adultery, affair, Betrayal, children, court, divorce, Family Law, infidelity, legal obligations, marriage, pets, the other woman, Uncategorized

It is about Fair Compensation, Not Winning

I guess last week’s court ruling didn’t phase Dave. The court orders were sent to his lawyer and Dave still has not provided me with the support arrears payment or my court costs.

Instead, Dave sent me an email telling me that we have “a fundamental difference of opinion”. He plans to continue to fight me in court with respect to refusing to pay any pet expenses. He believes that his support payments should cover those expenses and even though he agreed in mediation to pay 50% of the pet expenses he wants a court to rule.

He believes that the same holds true for our daughter’s dance expenses. He wrote that he agrees to pay for 70% of her “dance lessons” (even though our mediation agreement says “dance expenses”). But Dave doesn’t want to pay any portion of her dance shoes (she can’t participate unless she wears proper footwear in each class–ballet shoes, pointe shoes, tap shoes, hip hop shoes, jazz shoes, and foot undies for Lyrical). Plus our daughter is enrolled in competitive dance classes. Dave doesn’t want to pay any portion of the competition or festival fees, or any travel expenses to get her to the competitions. And yet, when we signed her up he knew all of these expenses are part of our daughter taking dance. This is her 7th year dancing at this studio so it isn’t a sudden surprise we have to pay for these things.

Why does a parent pay for all of these things when they are part of a family without any issue yet when they decide to fool around and leave the family they feel their kids should do without? Did they every love their child? I don’t believe Dave ever did love our children more than he loves himself.

It isn’t a financial issue. I saw his bank account balance in his court documentation. He can certainly afford to pay. His dividend cheque alone that he deposited for one month is more than my entire year income by 1 1/2 times and he will have another one in a couple of months. I have managed to pay these expenses without going into debt but it has meant me and my children had to do without in other areas. It has been a 3 year struggle. I try to spend wisely and cautiously and I abhor the wasteful cost of having to fight for our rights. I can’t afford the alternative either. The Divorcemate calculations are tested and considered fair and equal to both parents based on their earnings. Dave doesn’t want to do without for himself and I wonder how much influence the Other Woman is applying.

He wrote to me today saying that “the court speaks clearly” on these items and “it’s not that complicated.” I believe this to be true, in our child’s favour and our pets’ favour, not his. My lawyer doesn’t go to court to lose and she is very mindful of my financial situation. We have accepted chiselled down reimbursement by Dave every time in the interest of avoiding court and its costs but I cannot be taken advantage of by him any further and this is the only way to put an end to it.

Then Dave added: “The reality is that there is no negotiation with you. You want to win. So you end up submitting ridiculous expenses like $5.49 for this or that. Or even the fact that you mention the expenses are now being divided 71-29 rather than the current 70-30 and I will owe extra. It’s so ridiculous and counterproductive. That’s why nothing ever gets done with you. You take silly positions and then spend thousands on your lawyer for what? Just so you can say you won? But in the end you’re paying thousands out that could be used for many other things.”

This is the exact thing I would say back to him. I have no idea what he thinks there is to win. I just want fair compensation.

He sums up his email as follows: “So while I appreciate the “offer to negotiate” with you, the past has spoken very clearly that isn’t something you really want to do unless you get everything you demand. You’ve proven to be unreasonable and submitting unending expenses regardless of the value. I’m tired of this constant badgering and so I’m left with no choice but to let the courts decide what is or isn’t reasonable.”

I find it so interesting that he is trying to make me look like the bad person just for submitting expenses to him that he agreed to pay because he considers the amount to be too minor. That shows that money is not a concern to him and that it is a day-to-day worry for me. There will be an end to the expenses at some point in time but currently we share pets together and our daughter participates in dance so there will be ongoing expenses. David should have expected that when he agreed to adopt 3 pets into our family and when he decided to have children. I appreciate that he has decided to leave the family and it would be much more convenient if he could just continue to run away from his responsibilities associated with his family, too.

Dave feels badgered simply because there are consequences to his actions that he prefers to ignore. He is now being held accountability for his failure to honour agreements, take care of his responsibilities, follow court rules, pay bills and for making stupid decisions in his life. Dave’s decision to just let the courts decide saves him from having to own his life decisions and accept the consequences now. He will avoid, delay and refuse for as long as that works for him. When he loses he will just blame the courts, his lawyer and he will continue to blame me.

abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, bullying, court, divorce, infidelity, legal proceedings, litigation, Uncategorized

The Court Sends A Strong Message

Dave chose not to attend court today. His lawyer was present.

On November 23, 2015 my lawyer contacted Dave’s lawyer to advise that I gave her instructions to pursue Dave in court for the outstanding expenses he continued to refuse to pay as per our mediation agreement. These included pet expenses, dance expenses, alterations to my daughter’s grad dress, and orthodontic expenses. His share totalled $1212.11.

We were also asking Dave to increase my spousal and child support from July 1, 2015 to January, 31, 2016 as per our agreement based on our 2014 income information.

We were asking Dave to pay our older daughter’s school account that he still hasn’t paid for the September 2014 – June 2015 school year and where my name is still included as being responsible for this account. This amount is over $1200. Our daughter was living with him at the time these expenses were incurred.

We were asking for Dave to provide me with interest on the RRSP amount he was to roll over to me on November 6, 2014 that I have yet to receive.

We asked him to provide details of the life insurance that he was to get in November 2014.

We asked for information from his bank outlining all bank accounts he had at the time of our separation because there were unexplained transactions leading us to believe he carried an undisclosed bank account.

We asked for details of RESP accounts for both our daughters that he had control of and failed to disclose at mediation and has failed to provide details about.

My lawyer filed our documents on December 4. Dave has to meet the court rules and provide a response within 5 days. When my lawyer hadn’t received anything by December 9 she contacted his lawyer. He had a lot of excuses for the delay and urged my solicitor to push our December 17 court date to January 20, 2016. She did. She asked that Dave’s response be at her office by January 11 so she had time to review it. When it wasn’t received by this time she contacted Dave’s lawyer again. She told him that she was in court on Thursday and Friday and then after court on Friday she had to fly to Vancouver for a family death. She needed the documents by Wednesday in order to have time to review them. Dave’s lawyer served her on Friday at 3:50 p.m. when he knew she wasn’t available to receive them. She did not receive Dave’s affidavit until Monday morning, 2 days before our scheduled court date.

I did manage to drop everything to respond to Dave’s 21 points in case Dave’s affidavit was admitted into court despite him failing to meet the filing deadline. My lawyer filed our response to Dave’s affidavit the night before our court appearance. The judge therefore had none of this information.

The judge ruled Dave’s affidavit was inadmissible. Dave’s lawyer had to try to explain why Dave ignored court rules but instead tried to just make excuses why the judge should hear his evidence. The judge again asked why he should admit Dave’s affidavit when Dave was “thumbing his nose at the rules”, “inconveniencing the courts”, “not abiding by the rules that are in place to avoid hearings by ambush”. Dave’s lawyer finally conceded there was no excuse.

Dave’s lawyer’s big mistake was still trying to get his client’s affidavit admitted by using the words “in the name of Justice.” The judge said, (and I might be paraphrasing a little but I wrote down as many of his comments as I could): In the name of justice we should be able to move forward today because your client responded to the action brought against him in accordance to the rules. Instead, he has played every game he can play. He has not done his job. He makes north of $100,000 more than the claimant. He controls everything. He has applied the pressure to the claimant, hammered her against the wall and twiddled his thumbs for a year plus. He has forced her to make an application to the court. Why doesn’t he give his paycheck over to the claimant and let her decide how much he should have? I bet the claimant would love to have his difficulties. What in the world do we have to control people like him if we don’t have court rules. He just waits in the weeds. We need to send a message to people like him that we are not kidding.

The judge then ruled that he found it fit to not receive his evidence because Dave’s actions are to be frowned upon. Otherwise, it is just a license for people to show up last minute and cry “in the interest of justice.” The lower income party has been on the short end of the stick. The higher income party was well equipped to be able to do what mattered and he chose not to. He used the court as a way to apply pressure to squeeze the side with the least means. There will be financial consequences to Mr. Cherrie for essentially his “bare faced ignoring of court rules.”

As such, I won all the orders we were seeking. Dave was ordered to pay me spousal support and child support arrears in the amount that was agreed upon prior to the court hearing. In fact 7/10 of the items we were seeking were agreed upon by Dave’s lawyer prior to us being heard which made the judge indicate that if Dave had have filed on time court may have been avoided all together. Dave was ordered to pay me TODAY support arrears in the amount of $5663, to start paying me an increase in spousal and child support as of February 1, 2015 plus an additional $1300 in punitive damages to pay my court fees and legal fees. The judge also said that if we have to come back to court on any of these issues that Dave will be ordered to pay my costs again.

In essence, Dave just spent $2600 (both of our court costs) to fight me on $1200 worth of expenses. While he was scrambling to get his documents in just before our proceedings he agreed to pay the support arrears (although he tried to haggle off $28/month from the calculation) and tried to send over some documentation that we requested in our order but still didn’t satisfy what we required. What a waste of time, energy and money. We ran out of time so the expense issue had to be adjourned. Therefore, Dave will still have to go back to court with me to fight those expenses and we are still asking for costs because they are agreed upon expenses. We will be back in court unless Dave pays me in full. I have no more patience for this man and the court agrees.

adultery, affair, breach of contract, cheating, child support, children, control, court, divorce, Family Law, infidelity, lawyer, legal process, marriage, separatiion, spousal support

Back to Business

We were supposed to go to court on December 17, 2015 but Dave’s lawyer pushed it into the new year. We are scheduled to appear on January 20, 2016.

Dave owes me more than $11,000 from July 1 – December 31, 2015 for spousal and child support as well as pet expenses. The amount is based on a formula as per our income tax figures and the amount agreed upon as per our mediation agreement but he chooses not to pay. I need the court order to enforce payment.

My name is on our older daughter’s school account that Dave was responsible to pay from September 2014 to June 2015. The bill is for incidentals, not tuition. She was living with him at that time. He hasn’t paid a dime. When she lived with me for the 2 years she incurred these expenses I paid them 100% with no child support. That amount is now $1229.88.

There are a few other things we are requesting.

There isn’t a whole lot more you can do when you have an agreement with someone who has zero integrity. I wish I had never wasted time, energy, and money with the Collaborative process or mediation. You have to know who you are fighting against and a court decision is the only hope that I have in putting an end to my ex’s game playing with my finances and putting an end to our marriage officially.

abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, deceit, divorce, Frank Elsner, God, infidelity, lying, Police, shame, sin, Spirituality, unfaithfulness

Victoria Police Chief Steps Aside

The police union demanded the resignation of Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner, two weeks ago as a result of his admission that he was exchanging inappropriate Twitter messages with the wife of a subordinate police officer.

Now, as reported by CHEK news tonight, Frank Elsner has voluntarily stepped aside, with pay, now that the Office of Police Complaints Commissioner has ordered two different public trust investigations into the police chief.

He is being investigated by RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) and two retired judges. Not only is there an issue with his exchange of flirtatious social media messages but he also allegedly misled investigators, lied to the officer in question about the messages he sent to his wife so that the officer would not file a complaint against him, talked to witnesses after being told not to talk to witnesses, and four employees have made workplace harassment complaints against him since 2014.

The investigation is expected to take six months.

Based on my conversation with people who work for Victoria Police, all of their emails and the Police Department social media accounts are internally monitored. How could the police chief be so stupid to not only do what every cheater does and risk his marriage, reputation, relationship with his children and family, ruin his finances, ruin his dreams but also do something that could destroy his career? Did he just think he wouldn’t be caught? Is it spiritual blindness because of his sinful thinking? Maybe when Romans 6:23 talks about the wages of sin being death it is talking about everything good in your life is now dead and gone.

I think of people like Bill Cosby who spent a lifetime building an image that is respected and admired only to have it crumble apart and turn to ash because of his apparent repeated abuse of women for his own sexual pleasure and whatever other gain he received from that behaviour. Now that will be his legacy. I think of scripture like “your sin will find you out” (Numbers 32:23) and “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world just to forfeit his own soul?”(Matthew 16:26) It makes me feel like I felt with my own husband that he was a fraud, liar and that everything he pretended that he stood for was false.

I suspect that there will be a new Victoria Police Chief in 2016.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman, psychology, relationships

Negative Consequences of an Affair

Thank you, TheClip, for providing this link from “About Relationships”. It describes my cheating spouse’s behavior and treatment of me to the dime. It helps explain and confirm that healing from the side of the faithful spouse is a longer, harder journey especially when the cheating spouse continues to try to force me to pay for his bad behaviour.

Mutual Agreements Mean Happy Endings:

There are differing types of divorce and each one has it’s own emotional and psychological intensity. There is the bilateral agreement divorce where both spouses are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. In a divorce like this, the couple is often able to come to a mutual agreement, settle their affairs amicably, and stay connected as friends with little emotional upset.

Then there is the unilateral divorce where one spouse makes the decision to divorce to the utter shock of the other spouse. This type of divorce means more emotional and psychological intensity for the spouse who was unaware of the problems in the marriage.

The one choosing to leave has had time to think about, reflect upon and weigh the options and to emotionally divorce themselves from the marriage. The other spouse, who is caught by surprise, is normally mistreated and left to feel abandoned. There is a huge imbalance of power with the one leaving being the one in control of most aspects of whether or not the marriage will continue.

Enter The Third Party:

Add to this a third party and the issue of an affair and the emotional intensity is compounded. Not only will the left behind spouse feel abandoned but he/she will also feel replaced by someone better, younger, more attractive. The pain in this type of divorce comes from losing a position of importance in the life of your spouse, from beliefs about immorality, betrayal and feelings of failure as a spouse.

Normally a spouse who falls prey to an affair is a decent person that is aware of their behavior and how it is frowned upon by society. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions, they continue with the relationship, which means dealing with feelings of guilt.

The Blame Game:

Feelings of guilt motivates them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their affair.

They will accuse their spouse of many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse is portrayed as an inadequate partner, which left the cheating spouse no choice but to find an adequate replacement.

Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history is rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been inadequate for the entire duration of the marriage. The cheating spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage.

They may say things such as, “I was forced into marrying you” or, “You’ve never loved me the way I needed to be loved” or, “I have lived in hell for 20 years.” He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning their spouse by blaming the wronged spouse.

You Pay for Their Bad Behavior:

The cheating spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves punishment. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly.

Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.

Shocked and Awed:

The faithful spouse will question their own sanity and replay their marriage in their mind trying to find some hint of all the unhappiness they are told of by the unfaithful spouse. They will question how their spouse, someone they have loved and trusted could betray them in such a way. First to have an affair and then to rewrite the history of their marriage in such a way as to try and lay blame at their feet.

The faithful spouse will wonder how their spouse could blame them for having to have an affair and how they could defame their character after many years of being given love, respect and trust. They will wonder how their spouse cannot see how their words and blaming does damage to the children by depicting their mother/father in a bad light.

The faithful spouse will question his/her own memory of what they thought was a happy marriage. He/She will wonder if the marriage was never anything but a sham and a figment of their imagination. They will wonder why the unfaithful spouse never complained if they were unhappy or why they never made a request for changes in the relationship.

Being punished for your spouse’s cheating is an overwhelming state in which to find yourself. Recovery from the stress of such a profound emotional trauma is slow. If you have found yourself in such a situation, remember, with time comes healing and understanding. You will laugh again, love again and the sun will shine again. All you have to do is trust your memories, never forget that the insanity caused by an affair is not your fault and that you are not alone because in today’s society cheating is the number one reason for divorce.

adultery, Betrayal, Bible, cheating, children, Christianity, deceit, divorce, God, infidelity, lies, other woman, separation

David and Bathsheba

The reason I think that commenter “Sally” is most likely my husband is because his (Sally’s) arguments for himself (Sally) are always skewed in the most narcissistic way showing himself favour and steering away from anything that points negatively in his direction.

He (Sally) commented October 26, 2015, under the “What are you trying to create” post:

“King David was an adulterer. Even had the husband of the woman he desired killed for his own benefit. God still loved him and he was thought of as being a man after God’s own heart. One of Israel’s greatest Kings.”

My husband is trying to justify and defend his act of adultery by suggesting that God sees things differently than those of us who have been betrayed by the same act. He tries to minimize his infidelity and elevate himself higher than King David by pointing out that he at least didn’t kill Janice’s husband. But what my husband chooses to ignore is how God really felt about David’s actions and the devastating resulting consequences of his adultery. Just as Satan and the Pharisees did before David Cherrie, he twists scripture to his benefit to build a case for arguing that cheating is no big deal.

King David and Bathsheba is a sad story showing how sin can start, the depths one will go to in order to deceive and hide their sin for their own protection and that the sinner can’t even recognize his own actions needing the help of others to point it out.

The story is found in 2 Samuel 11 – 12.

How did God really feel about David’s act of adultery?

“But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.” (2 Samuel 11:27)

“This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. ⁸I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. ⁹Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.” (2 Samuel 12: 7-9)

Consequences?

“Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’”¹¹“This is what the Lord says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. ¹²You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’”…because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.” (2 Samuel 12:10-12)

There are comparisons to be made between King David and David Cherrie. In Samuel 11:1, we learn that King David was supposed to be off at war with his men, yet we find him instead in the comfort of his palace and bed. When he saw Bathsheba bathing he didn’t turn away. Instead, he inquired about her and was told she was married yet sent for her and slept with her anyway. In the same way, David Cherrie was supposed to be either working or home with his family. Yet he made up lies to go and be with Janice instead. He knew she was in a 12-year common-law relationship yet he pursued her anyways. In the same way Janice can be compared to Bathsheba. They both did inappropriate things to get noticed by their pursuer. Both knowingly betrayed their husband and slept with each David then went back home to their spouse. Both Davids were superiors in their lives taking advantage of their position, King and boss.

After King David found out Bathsheba was pregnant he tried to get her husband to go home and sleep with her so he would think the baby was his own. But Uriah was too loyal to King David and his men who were fighting in war and stayed with the servants at the palace gate instead of going to eat, drink and sleep with his wife. King David tried to get him drunk the next night for the same purpose but Uriah remained faithful to his King and his men. When that didn’t work King David sent him to the front line to fight and be killed. Other men went to help him fight so innocent lives in King David’s army were killed too. David Cherrie was equally as desperate to cover up his adultery in the lies he told and accusations he tried to place on me. He had no problem slaughtering innocent lives like his wife, children, family, friends, Janice’s husband and their family and friends just to keep up his life of sin and to keep his adultery hidden.

Both David Cherrie and King David were cold as stone afterwards. King David’s response to the death of Uriah and the innocent men who were fighting for him is, “Don’t be upset. The sword devours one as well as another.” David Cherrie’s response was “Everybody saw it coming. I’ve been unhappy for 8 years.” Both statements are just callous misrepresentations of the true motive to justify their selfish actions.

It took the prophet Nathan to come to King David to share a parable about another terribly selfish and cruel man for King David to understand how God viewed his adultery. King David was indignant by Nathan’s story and his response reveals what he thinks his own punishment should be for his act of adultery, “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! ⁶He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” (2 Samuel 12:5-6) Nathan’s response is, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:7)

God kept his word. Although David Cherrie will only see the good in King David and the blessings in his life and want to compare himself to King David suggesting all was well in his life post-affair, that is not true. God let the baby son of King David and Bathsheba die 7 days after he was born. God did not bless their sin. Amnon, David’s eldest son by Ahinoam (1 Chron. 3:1), raped his half-sister, Tamar. Two years afterward, Absalom, the king’s son by Maacah (2 Sam. 3:3), had Amnon murdered (2 Sam. 13). Then, later, Absalom “stole the hearts of the men of Israel,” rebelled against his father, and was ultimately killed by Joab (2 Sam. 18). Prior to being killed, Absalom rose up against King David causing him to have to flee the palace. Interestingly, Absalom pitched his tent on King David’s roof (the same place King David had watched Bathsheba bathe) and then took all of David’s concubine for his own in front of everyone. And even after David’s death, Adonijah, the king’s son by Haggith (2 Sam. 3:4), was slain by Solomon (1 Kgs. 2:24-25). A truly bloody price was paid for King David’s lust and violence.

Fast forward to the new testament when Matthew chronicles the genealogy of Christ. Matthew 1:6 logs,^“and Jesse the father of King David. David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife”. Centuries later it is recorded that Solomon was the product of adultery. Bathsheba’s name isn’t even mentioned as his mother because she rightfully belonged to someone else and we are reminded of this fact by her husband’s name appearing instead.

In summary, David Cherrie wants to gloss over his adultery and believe it is okay; that God will turn a blind eye. It is not acceptable in the eyes of God nor in the eyes of the majority of people who know what he did. David Cherrie may very well be the modern day King David. God certainly blessed him with everything he wanted and yet his ingratitude, greed, selfishness and lust led him away from God. There has never been any repentance by David Cherrie. I wonder what agonizing consequences will continue to follow David and Janice as a result of their adultery. Like it took the prophet Nathan to show King David who he really is especially in the eyes of God, it may take the comments of other people on this blog to be prophets in David Cherrie’s life by sharing their stories about the hurt of adultery and by continuing to comment on posts with their insights and truths. David and Janice are reading it. Maybe one day they will actually see themselves as they really are and take responsibility for their actions. Even if they don’t, it is recorded here for history.

*Thank you Wayne Jackson for helping me to easily summarize the consequences of David’s sin from the Christian Courier in your article, “Does the Case of David and Bathsheba Justify Adultery Today?”

^“

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, infidelity, narcissism, other woman

Trolling

Emmagc75 had this troll on her blog site and I had to repost it because it is so my ex!!!!!!!

I think “Happy” gave up trying to post under too many different aliases because deceitfulness gets messy and complicated. He already has enough personas in real life and probably has just lost track of who is supposed to be today.

“Sally” is just way too offended by everything. Maybe he and Janice write together but he/she is so quick to respond, so eager to attack, and so very angry. The agenda of all the personas is the same: blame everyone else, throw in some righteousness about caring only for the children, and maybe everyone will be distracted and the focus will be diverted away from them. We might be confused as to what really has happened to make the author start and continue to blog.

Sally is way too invested in anything I write. I don’t think Janice would risk her job. She already got her wrist slapped (suspended from work for 3 days) for using her work computer and work phone (which got taken away from her). Tax payers wouldn’t like to think their tax dollars are paying her salary to comment on my blog all day. She could lose her job over this and then she will have to be back in the office full-time with my ex. I don’t think he would like that.

If she is reading these blog posts she knows that he defends the emails and Facebook messages he writes to other women flirting and propositioning them saying that everyone writes emails they wouldn’t want someone else to see. Maybe that is what keeps their relationship alive and exciting. He did describe his work place as a Mad Men episode, “everyone sleeps with everyone.” He might not want her to know who else he pursues in their office or what they do when she isn’t around. He does live around the corner from his work. He takes his work home with him.

Mostly he is way too narcissistic to not be involved in my blog. He calls this my “15-minutes of fame.” Never in a million years do I think of it like that. He of course would and needs to get in on it.

The problem with pretending to be someone you are not is that the person you might be trying to protect and defend as innocent only comes off looking all the more guiltier and cowardly.

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, Commitment, divorce, God, infidelity, marriage

What are you trying to create?

When you say, “I do” and declare it publicly to your partner in front of all of your friends and family, promising to be faithful, for better or worse, till death do us part and announce this in a church in the presence of God, signing the marriage certificate witnessed by your chosen best man and best woman so it can be filed as public record of your declaration to each other, you set a trajectory in motion that changes your future. All of the choices you now make are based on your vows. And so they should be. That was what you wanted and knew to be right with the new life you chose to live together.

When you get baptized, shortly after your marriage, confessing that Jesus is Lord in your life, died for your sins, was buried and raised on the third day and do so after studying the bible and implementing the teachings in your life because you experience the difference it makes and you want to make a difference in the lives of others, you set a trajectory in motion that changes your future. All of the choices you now make are based on your conviction. And so they should be. That was what you wanted for the good of your life and what you knew to be right.

Who would ever want to be the person who breaks their vow to God, breaks the promise and trust of their spouse, lets down their children and fails to be everything they proclaim to be to their friends, family, children, coworkers and people who are watching their life and doctrine closely. No one wants to be the king who couldn’t finish building the tower or the person who knocks on the door and God doesn’t know who they are. Why do we take actions then and choose behaviours that work against our commitments?

Commitment to marriage and to God is not easily undone. Try dissolving a marriage and tearing apart lives that were built together. It is not a simple, easy, fast or inexpensive process. It is not void of emotion, complication, legalities, turmoil, pain and strife for all parties involved. Try leaving God and making selfish decisions now that you know separate you from the Being who was most important in your life, that created you in His image, the entity you claim is the Creator of Earth and all living things, is the Father, the Great I Am, the Lord and Saviour. Life never seems to go so well when someone makes decisions against what they believe to be right. We’ve witnessed it with people in our lives and with public figures.

How does anyone, who knows what they know to be true, choose to purposely make things go so wrong in their life? There has to be an internal battle that eventually manifests physically, emotionally or mentally, when you live a life that is contrary to the one you declared publicly that you intended to live. This sets your life on a different path that you some how think will lead to happiness but the bible tells us in 2 Peter 2:21 that it would be better off for people to have never known than to turn their backs on what they knew to be right.

Do we just lose sight of our commitment and the possibilities of what we were trying to achieve? Why did we choose to go against what we were committed to? What would have been the next step in our life that we wanted to avoid? What did we need to stop from happening? Why were we willing to take action to cause destruction ensuring it couldn’t happen? What were we so afraid of that the alternative is our current situation? What was so bad that we chose to hurt so many others in the process just to try to protect ourselves? Yet, didn’t we hurt ourselves the most?

If divorce is the answer to happiness and you want someone out of your life and have taken legal action to make it happen, why would anyone now thwart actions to finalize exactly what they want? Why would someone resist the process for 2 years and then refuse to honour the mediation agreement that they know is to their financial benefit? Why would they not complete the actions that are part of the legal agreement that they signed with their lawyer such as forwarding the other person’s share of RRSP money? Why would they refuse to provide their share of expenses they agreed to pay when all supporting documentation confirming the expenses is in their hands? Why would someone make phony accusations to the police against the person they don’t want anything to do with? Why would they get their friends involved with a person they want out of their life? Why would anyone’s friends want to be involved? Why keep attaching the energy around you to someone that you want gone? Why continue to try and submit claims through the other person’s medical and dental insurer instead of getting your own coverage because why would you want to contact the person you supposedly want out of your life to say they owe you claim money? Why can they not take action to separate everything from the other person’s life? Why haven’t they filed for divorce?

There has to come a point when you stop and ask yourself, “What am I trying to create?” It is a lot of racket and chaos but what is really going on here? Is it that you don’t want a divorce? Is that why you created a fake persona on my blog using my identity saying things like “I forgive you” and “we are back together”. Is that what you really want to hear out of my mouth so you made that happen on my blog? Is that why you were trying to list men’s names and say things about me sleeping with them hoping to get a reaction out of me just to see if it was true? Why create so much energy in reactive, angry, spiraling behaviour when none of these things should even matter to you because you have moved on and in your mind it is a fictional tale.

If I discovered a blog about me I wouldn’t have told a soul. If anyone found it I would have just said, “Yes, he clearly is hurt and angry over things and I will just chose to not comment on his interpretation of the facts.” End of story. I certainly wouldn’t have responded and I would not read entries. There would be no benefit to me. Why feed something you hope dies? I would never have created fake names to comment on posts and I would never dream of asking my friends to do that. I would never make up lies about the author and publicly try to smear their character. How would hurting the other person benefit me? It would only hurt me.

There has to come a point when you decide: “I want this divorce so these are the actions I have to take in order to live in peace with my ex; to surround my children with love, protection and security; to meet my children’s needs on every level; to honour my legal obligations so I can be a man of integrity and keep my word. I have broken trust with my ex and children so many times but I am going to keep my word and honour my agreements. Therefore, I need to follow the decisions I have made to ensure this happens as quickly as possible. I created this situation but I want to stop creating negativity and I don’t want to perpetuate it further. I have created so much hurt, pain and expense with my actions and I now need to minimize that as much as I can control. I need to take responsibility for what I created and do whatever I can to help everyone that I hurt heal so I can heal, too. ”

If this is what you want, everything else you have been creating is counter-intuitive. If it isn’t what you want, you better start thinking what you do want and work to create that in your life. No progress will be made otherwise. Fence sitting is not moving forward.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman

Dating Again

There comes a time when you realize your marriage is over and as part of the moving on process you start to date again.

I had the opportunity to have a fling two weeks after finding out my husband had been having an affair for at least the previous 6 months. It caught me off guard. I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t expecting. I was on vacation with my children. A family vacation we were all supposed to go on together but the discovery of the affair ended that. I didn’t want my ex there and either did my kids. Even though part of our vacation (2 out of 3 weeks) was staying with his parents, he also didn’t want to go (although he said he would have gone if I hadn’t found out he was sleeping with someone else, too).

Every night in Florida my children and I would take the golf cart down to the pool around 9:00 p.m. We would swim and hot tub. For the first week of vacation, it was just me and my younger daughter. On our first night there we met a very beautiful man, inside and out. He was so kind and generous. He was very open about his life and was very interested in our lives asking both of us questions that showed a sincere eagerness to get to know us. He had a beautiful spirit. He was well-liked by the others that lived in the community as evidenced by the regulars that showed up for their evening swim. The caretakers trusted him and allowed us to stay past 11:00 p.m. every night giving him the responsibility of closing the hot tub and locking up the clubhouse and gate afterwards.

As our relationship built, my younger daughter would be watching the clock and if it was past 9:00 p.m. and I was still sitting talking to my in-laws she would come and get me to say that Aaron would probably be there by now so we should go. If we got there first, she was constantly watching the gate for him to come in. Every night he arrived. I found myself anticipating him coming through the gate as well.

He invited us to do a lot of things during the days and evenings and go to places where he was also planning to attend. He told us about beaches we should check out and places we should shop and eat. We met him one evening on the beach where there was a drumming circle (he had learned that I took African drumming lessons so insisted we had to join him for this). There was a fire-pit, hula-hooping and other free-spirited activities as well as arts and crafts vendors. It was a very joyous event. He asked to borrow my camera. I didn’t realize until afterwards that he used it to take random photos of my daughter and me enjoying our time together. It was so sweet and a gesture that meant a lot to me since I was always the one in our family who recorded the memories and rarely did anyone, especially my husband, take a photo of me unless I asked.

My younger daughter couldn’t wait to introduce him to my older daughter and her friend when they arrived the next week. They opened up to him right away and he helped them with their perspective on school, stress and boys really giving them some deep insights on his life philosophy that seemed to make a positive impact.

My older daughter said that he was obviously interested in me and we should go and buy condoms that night. I assured her that I would definitely not be taking our relationship to that level. She wanted me to be with him so much and when I questioned her about it she said that it would serve dad right and that it would help me to heal. I promised her that revenge sex was never the answer and that random sex with someone you barely knew was not beneficial at all (although that was my mom answer to a 15-year old because I did entertain the thought and I did buy condoms just in case).

I think it was God’s sense of humour and his assurance to me that I would be fine. Aaron would show up at the pool in a white bathing suit that didn’t leave much to the imagination. He had an amazing body. He was younger than me but I never did ask him his age. I showed up at the pool looking my worst–no makeup, over weight, wearing a mom bathing suit that was completely lacking sex appeal, and my hair would be wet and/or pulled back in a pseudo bun/ponytail thing. But Aaron made me feel desirable and wanted. It turns out that he was a nude model. He showed me photos of sketches taken on his phone that students had drawn of him as he posed. When my girls were distracted he showed me the real thing. I saw that there was definitely “more” out there. It was all such a funny and surreal situation coming on the heels of the devastating realization about the infidelity of my husband just a couple of weeks earlier. We had each others phone numbers and although he invited me to his place after taking my girls home I couldn’t be that example for my kids. Plus I was staying with my in-laws! I considered sneaking out but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

On our last night there he brought 5 Chinese lanterns and took us into the field behind the pool where we lit them and released them making wishes. When we were saying our good-byes he reached up and touched my lip. As inexperienced as I was with another man touching me, I assumed there was something on my lip. He said, “No, I just think you are beautiful. I think you are an amazing person, a great mom and that you are so lucky to have the kids that you have. I am very envious of your family.” Then he kissed me. My daughter’s friend saw this and was so excited to let me and my girls know that she saw this happen.

He has contacted me a few times since, most recently 2 weeks ago. He always sends some nude photos but they are always tasteful, professional, amidst nature or with some artistic flare. I showed my girls just one photo of his nude bum this weekend and we all laughed hysterically. For them I think it is just funny to imagine this young man sending these images to their mom. He asked initially for me to send him some nude photos of myself but I told him I would never do that. He has never asked me since. He tells me that he remembers me fondly, always wants to make sure that I am doing okay and he always asks me when I am coming back to see him.

cheating, children, divorce, infidelity, Love, separation, the other woman

Homecoming

I was very excited to pick up my daughter last Friday night for her first weekend home after leaving for university. She took the ferry from Vancouver back to Victoria for the Thanksgiving long weekend. Her roommate was supposed to come with her. We had a lot of plans to show her roommate around Victoria for the first time but she had the stomach flu and wasn’t able to travel.

My daughter and I stayed up past 3:00 a.m. talking. She was very emotional coming home. She cried when she saw her pets. She knows that my dog died when I was at university living away from home and her roommate just received the same sad news. It is one of my daughter’s biggest fears. She asked me to please make sure I call her to come home and say goodbye if any of our pets needed to be put down.

She also cried about her past mistakes. She says she has no regrets but I know her wounds run very deep and she has scars that will remain constant reminders. She says she doesn’t feel the need to experiment with anything now and she thinks she will choose boyfriends more wisely. I told her that I didn’t understand her choices to remain with people who were harming her on many levels or to make decisions with so little care for the well-being of her own body.

She said, “Mom, I clearly had daddy issues.”

I told her that I understood how terribly hurt she was by her dad’s behaviour but she only ended up hurting herself more. Why did she choose to punish herself? I feel so remorseful over things she went through and don’t know if there was anything that I could have said or done differently to prevent it all. I certainly tried. I tried to get her in counseling, tried to involve her dad for help and support, was at her school regularly and on the phone with her home room advisor, counselors and even arranged a meeting with all of her teachers and dad to try to get her back focused on school. Living with her dad only allowed her to get into more trouble. She liked being there because there was no parental involvement. She said it was like having her own place; she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.

She thinks she came out of it all okay. She thinks she has a better relationship with her dad and with me. I don’t think she is okay. I think it is a child’s justification. I still see some concerning behaviour. I don’t see her relationship with either parent as “better”. The relationships are just more “real”. The parent/child lines blurred and disappeared. We all displayed and exposed human nature at it’s most real, flawed, frightening, vulnerable, ugly, wounded, hurt, sad, selfish, scared and out of control. I wasn’t able to protect my daughter from anything. I couldn’t even protect myself from the decisions of my husband. She lost every bit of security she knew when her parents were no longer a solid, unified front and her family foundation crumbled.

Then she started to cry for her sister. She said that she is so afraid her sister is going to do what she did. She said she loves her sister so much and tells everyone how much she respects her. She doesn’t want anything negative to happen to her. She mourned for her sister’s relationship with her dad. She sobbed, “Mom, you did not deserve to have happen what dad did to you. Dad is such an asshole and you are so much better off without him.” Then she hugged her dog and said, “You hate Janice, don’t you, Bingo. You hate her, too.” Then she went on to cry, “But I am not sad for you, mom, and I am not sad for me. I am sad for (sister’s name).” And she just cried.

She said that her sister hates her dad. I told her that wasn’t true. She said that her sister is Team Robyn and lets Janice and her dad know it to their face. I told her that her sister protects her dad to me, too. However, I told my daughter that her dad has also let her sister down time and time again (which she nodded and said she knew) and that it is not her responsibility to fight for her dad and sister’s relationship. I let her know that I had done that repeatedly to no avail and had to just let it go. It hurts me equally to see her dad ignore her and choose other people and things over our child but all I can do now is let her dad know he can see her whenever he wants and I am there when he choses not to see her.

Thanksgiving weekend was “his” weekend. And yet, he played hockey Friday night instead of picking our youngest daughter up from dance and having dinner with her or getting our older daughter from the ferry. He had his own plans all day on Saturday. He saw the girls for 4 hours on Sunday and then didn’t see them at all on the Monday holiday. And that was “his” weekend.

I told my daughter that she could only be responsible for her relationship with her dad and her relationship with her sister. As an example I shared with her that I knew how she helped her sister when her dad did not. I told her how much her sister appreciated her staying with her during their kayaking excursion when their dad took them back to Ontario in the summer. My younger daughter had never been kayaking before and yet her dad put her in a single kayak on a very choppy day on Lake Huron. Dave and Janice went in a double kayak together. My younger daughter told me she was crying, kept getting pushed back into shore, was last and very far behind everyone else. She told me it was her sister that stayed with her the most and that her dad kept yelling at her what she was supposed to be doing instead of actually doing anything to help her or be with her. Her cousin, who also went out with them, told her afterwards that she sucked. It was the worst experience. Her dad had no consideration at all for her needs or her safety and he was not in the least bit loving, patient, concerned or helpful. I told my older daughter that she can’t be there to protect her sister all the time but I was so grateful that she was there that day to help her.

Thanksgiving weekend made me so thankful for both of my children. On Saturday, we went out for breakfast and the waitress commented that we were having way too much fun for one table. We did a bit of shopping, watched a movie, ate together, played a board game together and all 3 of us stayed up until 1:30 a.m. We made breakfast on Sunday and lounged around all in the same room just hanging out talking and watching t.v. We made cookies, looked at old photographs and laughed so much. Sunday night they went out with their dad but got dropped off at my girlfriend’s house, where I went for dinner. On Monday, again we spent the entire day together. We wanted to go to a new corn maze that a local farm just had designed this year but it was raining and windy. I took my younger daughter to her tap solo practice and then we made brunch, relaxed all day and spent the evening with another family for Thanksgiving dinner. I drove my daughter to the ferry Tuesday morning and she thanked me repeatedly for the weekend we shared.

My daughter is doing very well at university. She has met many new friends, loves her roommate, loves her classes, has gone out with my nieces who live in Vancouver a couple of times, is trying new activities, loves her campus and school but most of all I think she loved coming home.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: infidelity