adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, divorce, ex spouse, infidelity, lying, marriage

How “the other woman” Thinks: Part I

I often wonder about what would make another woman justify in her mind that it is okay to sleep with a married man.

I am sure most women have experienced flirting and come-ons from men in committed relationships.  I find it is the most repugnant characteristic.  There is nothing about that behavior that makes me think, “Yes, you are the man I want to be with.”  I don’t find it flattering, it doesn’t make me think I am better than his wife in any way, it doesn’t make me feel desirable.  It only makes me think, “Creep. I feel sorry for your wife. She deserves better.”

I am a woman so I am trying to understand another woman’s thinking.  Janice Andrews was either pursued by my husband or she pursued him.  They each conveyed somehow to each other that even though we are married (Janice was living with her spouse in a 12-year common-law marriage), we are open and available to each other.

I hold my ex husband 100% responsible for straying and for leading Janice Andrews astray regardless of the semantics of how it all began.  He knew better. He studied the bible shortly after we married, was baptized as an adult, vowed to follow Jesus, lead ministries and studied the bible with other men, counseling them in their lives and marriages. He saw the consequences first hand of marriages destroyed by infidelity. He knew the pain caused to families and the struggle for relationships to continue after cheating.

At some point though he began to live a lie to pursue cheating himself.  It was before he met Janice because after discovering his affair with her I searched deeper.  I found that his pursuit of an affair had started at least a year before we moved to British Columbia. That was 4 years before he began to work with Janice. Even though he was clearly professing his love and lust for Janice to her via texts, he was at the same time flirting and making plans with other women as well.   He was casting out his net.   Initially, at least, he wasn’t going to be limited just because he caught fish Janice.  But what made her bite?

Janice’s own retweet of DeAndre Page from November 16, 2017 may offer an explanation: “think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”  It is the Law of Attraction. Whatever vibe he was putting out, she was lured.  She seems to have been putting out the same vibe with her willingness to cheat on her spouse.  Maybe deception vibes run on a different frequency path than loyal and faithful vibes.  After all, Satan knows how to light things up to make it look and feel more exciting than God’s promises.

Let’s explore other thoughts from Janice that could provide some insight into a mind that might need to try and justify her need to feed her own desires over consideration of the lives of other people.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, Bible, Christianity, Christmas, divorce, faith, God, infidelity, Janice Andrews, Love, lying, marriage, promises, Spirituality

The Ghosts of Christmas

The Ghost of Christmas Past:

Spent my 4th Christmas post-affair. I honestly don’t look back and long for the Christmas’ with my ex. We always had great celebrations whether it was commuting to the three sets of parents’ homes all in different cities and sometimes my birth father’s side of the family as well or whether it was just the 4 of us after our move to British Columbia. All good memories (except our last Christmas together when my ex was already involved with Janice and ignored me at his company Xmas party and over-drank and was obnoxious at my sister’s place during our family celebration and then was rude and impatient with me the next morning).

The Ghost of Christmas Present:

This was the first year my ex purchased a gift for the girls to give to Janice. He gave it to my younger daughter to bring home and wrap. I have no idea what it was–something from The Body Shop I think based on one of the bags she left at our front entrance. When she told me she had to wrap a gift for Janice I asked if her dad bought her paper. No, she was expected to use my wrapping paper. No idea what paper she chose or what it looked it–bows, ribbons, tag, etc. I wonder if Janice really opened it up and thought how nice that the girls shopped for her and chose something for her. Something as special as soap. Guess it is Dave’s way to pretend it is a family Xmas where everyone exchanges gifts and niceties out of love for each other.

The girls and I had a very fun Christmas Eve. I gave them their traditional Xmas pajamas gift to open and they immediately put them on. We took selfies on my bed with all the pets and stayed up very late.

Christmas morning was relaxed and fun. I went on a walk with the dog in the afternoon and we went to our friends’ farm for dinner.  Our friends said that it made their Christmas table much more lively having us there. We played a game afterwards with presents and came home with a new disco snowman and a disco tree decoration.

The Ghost of Christmas Future:

As I celebrated the birth of Christ, I was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future. It came in the form of scripture.

I was reminded that for me to know Jesus requires that I share in his sufferings (Romans 8:17). Betrayal was the biggest part of his suffering and now I know what it feels like to be betrayed by the one who knew me the best and who I loved the most and who should have loved me back the most in this world.

NIV Galatians 6:17 “Let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.” That is a warning for Janice and Dave. For me Jesus says in NIV John 16:33: “In this world you will have trouble.” Jesus tells me though to take heart because he overcame the world and I will, too!  In this same scripture Jesus says to have peace despite the trouble because I am not alone; God is always with me.

I may have suffered the loss of my marriage due to an affair because of evil, greedy, lustful and selfish people but Isaiah 61:1 -7 lists all the promises I can claim because God “love(s) justice; (and he) hate(s) robbery and iniquity.” Janice robbed me of my husband. She took what wasn’t hers to take. Like a thief, she will always know she obtained what she has dishonestly at great cost to others and at a loss to her reputation, trust and integrity.  It is a lie and will be a constant reminder for herself and others of who she is at the core of her being. She shouldn’t be sad when the next thief steals it from her especially because she puts it on display; it never belonged to her in the first place. The same holds true for Dave. What a waste of time and effort and money trying to hold on to something that is just a lie and false security.

Regardless of my husband’s broken promises, God promises to me in this scripture that he will always be faithful and will reward me with his everlasting covenant that no one can steal from me.   Jesus is in me and will lead me where he wants me to go. I trust that! My husband left me, Jesus did not.

I know there will be battles in my future but I will get up and get in the ring and fight to knock Satan out so I can claim my victory! God works everything out for the good of those who love him (NIV Romans 8:28).


abuse of power, adutery, affair, cheating, difficult personality, ego, infidelity, lying, passive/aggressive, separatiion

He is the Dick in Ridiculous

My daughter’s dance company is selling raffle tickets for their annual fundraiser.  Tickets are only $2.00 and first prize is airfare for two. There is also the prize of a mini iPad for the dancer who sells the most tickets.

Ticket sales are moving more quickly than anticipated and we only printed out 3000 tickets. We are not able to print any more due to the gaming license rules. As such, the treasurer implemented a rule to try to keep the selling fair for everyone.  You have to return your book of ticket stubs (10 tickets per book) with the money in order to receive another book. I had already collected money from friends before I learned about the rule. I paid for my tickets up front with their money but didn’t want to fill out the stubs on their behalf.  I was given the 6 books for them to fill out.

On Sunday, Dave contacted me saying he needed raffle tickets.  I asked him how many he wanted and he said, “as many as you can”.   I explained the rule to him and that the treasurer wasn’t going to be available until Tuesday at 6:30 p.m. to collect ticket stubs, money and provide any new books. I told him that I had books that were already sold but that I hadn’t had a chance to see my friends yet to complete the entries.  I said that he could have my books providing he gives them back with the payment by Tuesday so that I can get replacement books.  He texted that he would have them sold by tomorrow, Monday.  When he picked our daughter up for dinner on Sunday she gave him my 6 books of tickets.

When my daughter got home from school today, Monday, I asked about her dad’s plan to return the tickets.  She said that he was bringing them over tonight on his way to pick up his parents from the airport. They were arriving at 10:30. p.m.  I texted Dave at 3:34 p.m. to confirm what time he was coming and that our daughter would go out to meet him to get the tickets.  He said that he didn’t sell all the tickets because people were “straggling in with their money.” I asked him if he could drop off the 3 books that he said that he did sell since he was coming this way (I live 5 minutes from the airport) and asked if he could pay upfront for the people who he knew were going to buy the other books ($60) as I needed to replace those tickets for my friends.

He told me that I had to go to him to get the tickets on Tuesday. He asked me to go to his office at 7:00 a.m. and to call him first. He would come down to meet me as I wasn’t to come up because I am banned from the premises.  He told me that was my only option as he was busy otherwise.

I told him that I didn’t understand whey he couldn’t just drop off the tickets as he planned especially because he was driving right past my place tonight on the way to the airport.  If he couldn’t leave 5 minutes earlier to get his parents I suggested I would be awake and he could drop them off after he picked up his parents. I reminded him that I gave him my tickets as a favour to him but also in an effort to help our daughter sell more tickets. I told him that if I didn’t have the tickets back by Tuesday that I couldn’t get any more books to sell, (I had already sold another one in the mean time) and that there was a good possibility they would be sold out. I reminded him that the ones I gave him were already paid for by others so then those people will be disappointed if they don’t end up getting tickets after all. The only reason I gave them to him is because he said he would have them sold by Monday and would get them back to me before Tuesday. I offered to go to the airport to get the tickets that night so he didn’t have to stop along the way. I reluctantly shared that I had surgery on Tuesday so that it was not possible to meet him that day. I asked him to have some compassion instead of asking me to run around to him. I told him someone else was driving me to and from my procedure and that I wasn’t going to have them inconvenienced further to drive me into town to his office so early especially when he made such a big deal previously about me ever going there.

His text response:  “Compassion for what?  Like you show for me and meet me half way to get (daughter)? I have a life. I won’t be coming home with my parents until after 11 p.m. If it takes just a few seconds then come sometime tomorrow and pick up. I’m not a tour delivery service. You leave everything to last minute and then try to blame shit on me.  You’re on the executive. Make it work.  If not it has to wait. I’m sure you’ll try to find a way to add it as an extraordinary expense and claim it later.  So you won’t inconvenience someone but you’ll inconvenience my parents when they’ve come from a long day of travel and its 2:30 a.m. their time. Typical of you.  I have no reason to be up the peninsula tomorrow so if you don’t come get them it will have to wait until Thursday. I don’t even have the tickets.  They are at the office. Figure it out and stop being a bitch.  You reap what you sow.  You can’t say, write and do the things you do and think I’m doing you any favours.  You have all day tomorrow so figure it out. You think I can adjust my schedule but why don’t you? You have an appointment tomorrow.  So what. It won’t take you all day I’m sure. This isn’t my issue.  You are the author of your own misfortune.  But as usual you’ll find a way to blame me for your issue. ”

I just told him that he could return his tickets and his money to the treasurer directly himself at one of the times she indicated this week she would be at the studio, (he gets the emails with this information, too).  I informed him that I would be recovering from my surgery tomorrow and that I was going to let go of worrying about how I was going to get replacement tickets.

When will I learn that there is no benefit in doing my ex a favour even if I think it will benefit my daughter.  His word will never hold any validity and if he can use it as an opportunity to punish, control and withhold from me he will.







abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, deceit, divorce, Frank Elsner, God, infidelity, lying, Police, shame, sin, Spirituality, unfaithfulness

Victoria Police Chief Steps Aside

The police union demanded the resignation of Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner, two weeks ago as a result of his admission that he was exchanging inappropriate Twitter messages with the wife of a subordinate police officer.

Now, as reported by CHEK news tonight, Frank Elsner has voluntarily stepped aside, with pay, now that the Office of Police Complaints Commissioner has ordered two different public trust investigations into the police chief.

He is being investigated by RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) and two retired judges. Not only is there an issue with his exchange of flirtatious social media messages but he also allegedly misled investigators, lied to the officer in question about the messages he sent to his wife so that the officer would not file a complaint against him, talked to witnesses after being told not to talk to witnesses, and four employees have made workplace harassment complaints against him since 2014.

The investigation is expected to take six months.

Based on my conversation with people who work for Victoria Police, all of their emails and the Police Department social media accounts are internally monitored.  How could the police chief be so stupid to not only do what every cheater does and risk his marriage, reputation, relationship with his children and family,  ruin his finances, ruin his dreams but also do something that could destroy his career? Did he just think he wouldn’t be caught? Is it spiritual blindness because of his sinful thinking?  Maybe when Romans 6:23 talks about the wages of sin being death it is talking about everything good in your life is now dead and gone.

I think of people like Bill Cosby who spent a lifetime building an image that is respected and admired only to have it crumble apart and turn to ash because of his apparent repeated abuse of women for his own sexual pleasure and whatever other gain he received from that behaviour. Now that will be his legacy. I think of scripture like “your sin will find you out” (Numbers 32:23) and “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world just to forfeit his own soul?”(Matthew 16:26) It makes me feel like I felt with my own husband that he was a fraud, liar and that everything he pretended that he stood for was false.

I suspect that there will be a new Victoria Police Chief in 2016.




adultery, cheating, children, deceit, destruction, divorce, family, lying, other woman

The Boov

outdoor movie, Home, in Parksville

When my youngest daughter (13 years old) and I were on vacation this summer in Parksville, BC, we decided to go to an outdoor showing of the movie Home.  She had already seen it with my ex and the other woman, Janice Andrews.

The movie started at dusk which happened to be 9:56 p.m. It was held at a huge park near the ocean. It was very busy with people and cars and there was a lot going on around the park including a sand castle/sculpture competition and a huge playground/water park area. We set up our chairs, blankets and snacks with friends of ours (another mom and her 2 kids, one who is my daughter’s best friend) who were also vacationing in Parksville.

Just before the movie was about to start my daughter decided she needed to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t want her to go alone so I said I would come with her.  Just when we were at the edge of the park the movie started to play.  She said, “Mom, you need to see the beginning. You stay.”  I looked around to see if there might be a bathroom closer, even a port-a-potty, as the bathrooms we went to before we set up were really far away and it was now dark. There was nothing.  I hesitated and told her that I didn’t feel great about her going alone but she said, “Just wait here” and she ran off.

As soon as she left I regretted letting her go.  She didn’t have her phone with her and I didn’t have mine with me.  I was afraid she wouldn’t even be able to find the bathroom.  I considered running after her but had a quick vision of her deciding not to go alone and coming back to find me not in my spot. Then while the minutes passed I contemplated going to meet her but didn’t want to miss her in case we took different paths.  I tried to focus on what was happening at the start of the movie as my daughter obviously felt it was important but I kept turning to look for her.  In probably less than 10 minutes she was back.  I told her that I was so relieved to see her, regretted letting her go alone and that I was so grateful she was back safely.  She said it was scary and she ran the entire way.

Interestingly enough, the movie ran 2 parallel themes of what I just experienced. One theme involved a young daughter, Tip, who had been separated from her mom after the Boov invaded Earth. Tip hated The Boov for taking her mom from her and did everything to hurt them, stop them and escape them.  The Boov are selfish, lying, aliens who displaced all humans for their own self-interest. They were so self-absorbed they weren’t even kind to other Boov in their own species.

Then there is The Gorg. The Gorg was chasing The Boov because the leader of the Boov stole an egg containing the last of the Gorg species.

After the movie, I was reflecting on the commentary and wondered if my ex and Janice were at all uncomfortable with this theme as they watched with my daughter.  After all, they destroyed family. My daughter and I talked about this as we walked back to our car. We talked about how she would do anything to track me down if we were separated from each other and I told her that I would be like the Gorg and would never stop searching for her.  Then we discussed that Janice was like The Boov.  It made no difference to her that my ex had a wife and kids. She was self-seeking and lied and schemed to her own husband to go after what she wanted.

This movie gave us a nickname for Janice Andrews.  Now we just call her “The Boov”.




adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, intimidation, lying, threats

Bullshit–If you smell something, say something

John Stewart ended his final hosting of the Daily Show tonight on Comedy Central with a segment on bullshit.  He made the above statement.  I just so happen to smell bullshit so I am saying something.

When my ex and Janice Andrews were in Ontario with my children, they returned to apparently find Janice’s vehicle vandalized.  They reported the incident to Victoria Police.  My ex texted my older daughter telling her that the police said that I was the number one suspect because I have an agenda.  My older daughter texted my younger daughter saying that a window had been smashed in Janice’s car, it had been spray painted and keyed and that mom did it. My younger daughter told me that she had something funny to tell me. I asked what that was and then she asked me if I vandalized Janice’s car.  I told her I did not and when she gave me the details I said that I didn’t think it was funny.  She asked me what “agenda” meant and what it meant that the car was “keyed”. She also texted my older daughter back asking what was written on the car.  My older daughter texted her back saying, “That is totally mom asking that and you weren’t suppose to tell her.”  I never asked that question although I have to say that I am curious.

I explained to my younger daughter what “agenda” meant and I assured her that my only agenda was to make sure that daddy paid us what he agreed to pay in mediation and what he was legally responsible to pay.  I told her I would just email my lawyer to handle.  She said, “No, you can’t do that because then daddy will know we told you.”  He was purposely trying to make me look bad to our children by making a very serious allegation against their mom without considering what that would do to them and how it would make them feel.

I did nothing wondering if it was even true but then the next morning I received a call from Vic PD.  I told the constable that my kids already gave me a heads up.  I told her that I had no idea what type of vehicle Janice drove or where she lived. The constable said that Janice’s vehicle was parked on my ex’s street, that the window hadn’t been smashed and that it appeared to be a random act of mischief as it was keyed and spray painted. She said that I was not a suspect, there was no evidence against me but because Janice and my ex made the complaint against me she told them she would speak with me.

Later that day I received an email that my ex sent to my lawyer, his lawyer and copied to me.  It was filled with false statements and outright lies as well as a list of concerning actions that he was now taking.

This is what he wrote:

“Unfortunately I have to write to you both again with respect to an incident that occurred at my residence.

As you both are aware, I took my kids and girlfriend to Ontario to visit family from July 23 – Aug 2/15. Janice had parked her car in the driveway while we were away. We came home to find the vehicle had been vandalized. The car was spray painted and keyed causing considerable damage. The matter has been reported to Victoria Police and I believe they have been in contact with (my name). (My name) has denied any involvement which was expected, however I’m sure you will agree that it seems somewhat coincidental that the damages occur while we are away. It is also somewhat odd that the perpetrator only targeted her vehicle. There was no other reported incidents of vandalism or damage to others property or vehicles during that time period on the street.

(My name) for the last two and a half years has continued to harass Janice and myself. She was told by her first lawyer to have no contact with Janice, however she immediately left the appointment to confront Janice at her place of employment. She then wrote a letter to her employer asking that she be fired or disciplined. She contacted Janice’s former boyfriend. She has contacted people who work and formerly worked with my company to try and obtain information…(private information) She entered my home knowing full well I was away in Vancouver  looking for a binder. She proceeded to search my home and went through my personal papers. This was brought to your attention and she was asked to not come to my home again unless invited. She proceeded to come to my home again.

She has recently come to my place of business, which I remind all, Janice also is a part time employee, to deliver receipts. This despite the fact that I asked her in 5 separate emails/text to not come to my office. I asked that she email her receipts, hand deliver to my home mailbox, or send by regular mail. She ignored my requests and showed up the next day to the office with receipts in hand. Her excuse was she hadn’t unpacked her scanner from moving.

In light of this latest incidence of vandalism, and the fact that (my name) shows a complete disregard for barriers, I have met with my partners this morning and advised them of the above. We are understandably concerned for the safety of our employees as well as our property. As such, (my name) is banned from the premises. She is not to come to the building for any reason whatsoever. All staff have been made aware of this and if (my name) fails to comply and comes to the building she will be asked to leave immediately and the police will be called.

I have also contacted my landlords and made them aware of this latest event. They were already aware of a prior incident a few months ago when (my name) backed out of my driveway and ran over a shrub damaging same. (My name) left the scene, however both my children witnessed the event and texted me to tell me what happened so I wouldn’t be blamed for it. My landlords wanted me to pay for the damage, however given the circumstances they have not pushed forward on this. Because of the damage to their own property and now a car of a guest at the home being damaged, they have said that (my name) is not welcome under any circumstances to come to the home. If she is dropping off or picking up kids, she will have to do so on the street.

(My name) has attempted to justify and use excuses such as no scanner or that I am trying to be difficult etc. The reality is there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to have any contact with me other than by text or email regarding our children. If she has a receipt that she thinks I should review and potentially compensate her, then that is fine, she can send it by email or regular mail. There’s no reason to come to my office to get copies made and hand deliver. And going forward this will not be tolerated.

I am writing this so that this is on the record to all. These types of harassment and bullying behaviours are completely unacceptable. This has been ongoing for more than two and a half years and it needs to stop. If this continues, or (my name) fails to comply going forward, we will take whatever legal means are necessary to obtain restraining orders and ensure she is criminally charged.

I trust my position on these issues is very clear to all.”

My response just summarized briefly:

  1. Car was reported to police as being parked on the street. My ex is trying to make the act look less random and say now that the vehicle was parked in the driveway.  My kids never saw Janice’s car at all. My older daughter left the house the next morning before the damage was reported and she never saw Janice’s car.
  2. I have never harassed Janice or my ex.
  3. I attended Janice’s work place a few days after finding out about the affair. I spoke to her for 3 minutes max. I wasn’t physical, violent, threatening, rude or disrespectful. I spoke in my regular voice and I was very calm. I didn’t cause any property damage. I wanted her to see my face and to know I was a real person, that we had real children that she was helping to destroy their family and I wanted to look her in the face and say that. My ex was never a part of a meeting where my lawyer told me to not contact Janice. My ex is trying to portray me as directly disobeying my lawyer and running out of his office and doing exactly what he told me not to do. I have had zero contact with Janice since that one time in over 2 1/2 years.
  4. I never sent a letter to Janice’s work asking that she be fired or disciplined. There will be a record confirming that if we subpoena her employee file.
  5. It was a fluke I contacted Janice’s 12-year common-law husband.  My ex is trying to diminish her husband’s role in Janice’s life by calling him a “former boyfriend”. My ex also tried to diminish his role to Janice and maybe himself, too, during the affair where he referred to her husband as her  “roommate” in his emails to Janice.  Then he forgot about those emails he sent Janice that he knew I read and told me she didn’t have a roommate. He said that he had been to her house several times and no one else lived there. Caught in another lie. I never knew Janice’s husband existed but when he told me who he was I told him who I was.  I didn’t know that Janice was cheating on someone too and more than 3 months after I found out about the affair he still didn’t know.  She was continuing to live a double life with her spouse. My ex is trying to make it sound like I contacted someone from Janice’s past to stir up trouble and get information.
  6. I have never contacted anyone that my ex used to work with or continues to work with. I know he pulled a subordinate into his office and that he threatened to fire her if she spoke to me. I brought my younger daughter to see her dad one day to drop off fundraising items that her dad was supposed to bring in for her. He was to be back in 10 minutes so we waited in the lobby. One of the secretaries said she would take my daughter around to sell. I waited in the lobby and this lady who I had met only one time when my ex introduced me to her at Starbucks came out and told me what he did. I told her that I knew he was paranoid we had spoke and I showed her my phone text messages saying several times to my ex that we never had. He apparently never spoke to her again. He made her life at work hell. My older daughter told me months later that this lady had a run in with another lady at their work and my ex intervened and said for someone to call the police and to escort her from the premise.
  7. I have only gone to my ex’s home to see our daughter who lives there. I have never been there uninvited and I would never go when he was there. I did go through a large pile of opened and unopened mail that was noticeably addressed to me and my ex together. He had, unbeknownst to me, had all our banking mail redirected to his place. I was shocked to see all the mail in a pile spilling over with my name on it.
  8. I still haven’t come across the box with my printer/scanner and needed to get the receipts to my ex. He still hasn’t paid them and it has been 5 weeks so they are now being handled by my lawyer. This was the 2nd time in 2 1/2 years I attended his office with receipts. I was warmly received and even hugged by one of my ex’s business partners. I was at his office for 5 minutes max and he copied the receipts, gave them back and I left. No scene. No public safety risk. No damage to property.
  9. I did clip a bush backing out of my ex’s long, single, narrow driveway on June 4. My birth mom and both my girls were in the car with me. There was no visible damage. It made a loud scraping sound against my car though. On July 13 my older daughter was at my house and received a Facebook message from her dad. He was away and left his vehicle with my daughter. He messaged her saying he was just contacted by his landlord saying that they watched our daughter back out of the driveway and had some concern. They didn’t want her to get in trouble by her dad but just wanted to notify him to ask her to be careful because they thought a guest might have hit their bush but realized it was her. My girls and I were laughing about this. I told my daughter to tell her dad it was me.  She said she was going to. She never said I already told him when it happened. I don’t know if I did do any damage to the bush or if my ex, my daughter or anyone visiting them may have clipped the bush, too, but if my ex was asked to pay for damage and he knew I may have caused it he would be going after me for sure.  Because of the kindness of their landlord in their fear my daughter might get into trouble from her dad, I doubt they ever asked my ex to pay for damages as he claims.  Sounds like they never thought he did it. If a vehicle was vandalized in their driveway they would have seen it and reported it to my ex or the police when he was away.  It doesn’t even make sense “that given the circumstances they haven’t pushed forward on that.” I doubt they ever asked for anything. He said it was “months ago” I did this. If my kids had have texted him at the time he would have known when it happened. If they asked him months ago to pay for damage he wouldn’t say that they haven’t pushed forward on it because of an incident he just reported.

My ex is maliciously making false statements about me and spreading this to the police, public, our children and legal counselors to try to threaten, intimidate and bully me into doing what he wants. He continues to need to control where I go, who I talk to, and what I do. He has the audacity after all of this to send me an email the next day with a casual request for me to find documents for him from 2008 for his income tax return.

Until this is handled and remedied, I will have no contact with him for anything for my own protection. I have advised my lawyer and the police of his lies of which we now have written proof.

adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, lying, marriage, psychology

Monster in My Family

I saw an interview tonight on 20/20 with Melissa Moore. Her dad is serial killer, Keith Jesperson.

She was talking about his duplicitous life and trying to reconcile her experience with him as a loving father to one of a sociopath that killed 8 women. Looking back she realized there were signs of his cruel and uncaring nature (he killed 3 kittens she found and took pleasure in her grief over the situation) and she recalled the confessions he made to her that she didn’t realize at the time were true of how to get away with murder (thought he was reading detective magazines and fantasizing). Today she has no contact with him because of the disturbing nature of his letters.

Her father was involved in the interview. What hit me most about his nonchalant way of describing what he had done was his need to have the interviewer “move on”. He did what he did, wished he didn’t, wished he could make things “peaches and cream” but can’t change things so “move on”. This has been the catch phrase of my ex in every email to me over the past 2 1/2 years.

Keith Jesperson is so narcissistic that he confessed to the murders because he wasn’t getting any attention or credit for killing. 2 other people were wrongly convicted for his first murder. He wrote a confession on a bathroom wall saying he did it and when that didn’t elicit him any attention he started writing letters about the murders to media.

Keith Jesperson is psychopathic more than sociopathic but a lot of the traits are similar. I have had 3 friends who know my ex tell me, very seriously, they think my ex is a sociopath.

According to R. Preston McAfee, the Profile of the Sociopath is:

“•Glibness and Superficial Charm
•Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
•Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”
•Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
•Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
•Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
•Incapacity for Love
•Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
•Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
•Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
•Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
•Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
•Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
•Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

Other Related Qualities:
1.Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them
2.Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
6.Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
7.Conventional appearance
8.Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
9.Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life
10.Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
11.Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
12.Incapable of real human attachment to another
13.Unable to feel remorse or guilt
14.Extreme narcissism and grandiose
15.May state readily that their goal is to rule the world

(The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)”

On the HealthGuidance website it details characteristic qualities of a sociopath further as follows:

“• Lack of empathy – Inability to feel sympathy for others or to understand the emotional consequences of their actions
• Cold, calculating nature – The ability and willingness to use others around them to personal gain
• Shallow emotions – Lack of real emotion in response to events, limited capacity to feel love
• Narcissism – A personality disorder in itself in which the individual feels strong love and admiration toward themselves (often a defense mechanism against deep seated low esteem)
• Grandiose self image – They might see themselves as someone who is superior to others and sometimes even experiences delusions. A sociopath might see themselves as a fitting ruler of a country or even the world, but might also have delusional beliefs such as seeing themselves as a God or having super powers
• Charming – While the sociopath is unable to fully understand the emotions of others, they are capable but rather highly adept at mimicking them and might appear to be charming and normal at first
• High IQ – Often sociopaths will exhibit a high IQ which they can use to manipulate and plan
• Manipulative – Sociopaths use their superficial charm and high IQ to manipulate others to get their ends, and their lack of empathy allows them to do this with no sense of guilt or remorse
• Secretive – Has little need for others and is highly secretive in their actions meaning
• Sexually deviant – The lack of remorse, guilt or emotional attachments means that the sociopath is happy to have affairs and to engage in questionable sexual activity without questioning their desires
• Sensitive to criticism – That said, like all narcissists, the sociopath will desire the approval of others and will be highly sensitive to criticisms. They often feel they deserve adulation and admiration of the world and might feel victimized
• Paranoid – Often their lack of understanding of emotion along with their incongruous self view means that they feel a lack of trust and paranoia
• Despotic/Authoritarian – Often the sociopath will see themselves as a necessary authority and will be in favor or totalitarian rule
• Lawfulness – Despite popular belief, a sociopath is not likely to be a problem to the law in later life, but rather will seek to find loopholes, to rise to a position of power, or to move to another area so that their behavior is tolerated
• Low tolerance for boredom – Sociopaths require constant stimulation and get quickly bored
• Impulsive behavior – A lack of regret and empathy means makes sociopaths more likely to make sudden rash decisions based on the current facts
• Compulsive lying – As part of their facade, and as a means to an end, sociopaths are compulsive liars and will rarely speak truthfully making them hard to pin down
• The MacDonald Triad – In childhood sociopaths will likely have demonstrated the ‘MacDonald Triad’ also known as the ‘Triad of Sociopathy’, traits that often are demonstrated in sociopaths from a young age. These include animal cruelty (pulling the wings off of flies etc, bed wetting, and pyromania (an obsession with fire setting)).

Sociopaths of course vary in their symptoms and might act differently in different cases. However their main trait is presenting themselves as having the same empathy feelings and emotions as others when in fact they lack this emotional capacity. They are thus cold and manipulative and rarely see any problem with their actions.”

Without a shadow of a doubt, my ex is a sociopath. He fits all of these definitions.  When I read every definition I have an example of what he did in our life together or stories from his parents and friends of how he acted as a child/teen that fits every trait. It is because of my history with my ex over 23 years that made it clear to me as soon as I found out about the affair and his reaction to me finding out that there was only one decision to make–file for divorce.