adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, deceit, divorce, loss

Update on ‘Stealing and Giving Back’

The story of my daughter’s friend, the 14-year old fundraising to help pay the $6000 it is going cost for her to travel and compete in a European golf championship this year, was reported on the local news last night. The estimated $160 she raised selling lemonade and samosas was stolen.

The theft was caught on video surveillance cameras at the market where she was selling. Two men came by and asked why she was raising money. She told them. They left and didn’t purchase anything. Then you see them walk back together and one man grabs the money jar off her table and runs off. Cindy’s father tries to run after them and lunges to grab the man but he falls hard onto the cement, flat on his face. My daughter had told me that he had to go to the hospital by ambulance to be checked out but that he was okay. It was very upsetting for my daughter to watch that part on the news. Then the news reporter announces that one of the investigating officers gave Cindy $160 out of his own pocket to help her. The officer requested not to be identified and didn’t want any public recognition for his generosity.

The kindness effect ignites. My daughter told me that at school today Cindy was called down to the office several times and returned each time with money that people had dropped off to support her trip. The news crew had come to her school the day they were reporting the story to interview her about what happened, why she was raising money, her golf goals, etc. and they videoed her in the gym swinging a golf club with the school identified on the gymnasium wall. My daughter also told me that because her full name was disclosed on the news people were contacting her home asking if they could drop off money for her.

The surveillance showed clearly the identity of the two men. If the thieves knew they were being watched on surveillance would they have attempted to steal? The chances of them getting caught and shamed publicly, potentially losing their jobs if they work, is a real possibility. Some people just do things that are dishonest if they think they can get away with it. Would the video camera give them pause to weigh out the consequences?

What if people who were lusting after coworkers thought they were being recorded so that their spouses, kids, parents, business associates, community, etc., could watch? Would that lower the incidents of affairs in the workplace or anywhere else cheaters meet? If cheaters knew cameras were present filming what they try to cover up, would the fear of being exposed halt their deceitful thoughts and actions? Nobody chooses shame and humiliation, the loss of their families and reputation and other fall outs they can’t even foresee. That is why they sneak around, lie, hide and live double lives. They don’t want to get caught.

Some people have no remorse and make excuses to justify their actions regardless. We don’t have to control or change how those people think. This story teaches that despite the lousy situations that we may find ourselves in because of the greediness, selfishness, carelessness, and hatred of others that the universe does work everything out so that what was taken comes back as even more than what was lost and it can happen very quickly.

affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, deceit, ego, ex spouse, infidelity, lies, marriage breakdown, other woman, separation

The Girl on the Train

My 14-year old announced this week that she wanted to read The Girl on the Train.

I was excited for her to declare that she wanted to read anything. She doesn’t enjoy reading. I have bought many books on many subjects and ones she has chose that she thinks she might be interested to read but the cover is never cracked or she can’t make it past the first chapter.

She went on to tell me that her teacher has the book in their Grade 9 classroom but that she needs parental consent before being able to sign it out as the teacher described the content as “edgy”.

I loved reading the same books as my older daughter. That started when she was 10. She is a voracious reader and it gave us a bond we share today recommending and discussing literature with each other. So I suggested to my 14-year old that we go to Costco and buy the book so that I can read it first. Then if I think the subject matter appropriate she can read it next.

When she found the book at Costco the first thing she did was exactly what her dad does–flip to the back to see how many pages. My ex wasn’t a reader before meeting me. When he finally joined me reading in bed before we turned out the lights, if a book had more than 180 pages, regardless of how great the story was supposed to be, he refused to read it.

My daughter moaned about it’s thickness and small print. I admonished her to put the book in the cart before she saw the 395 pages.

As I start to read the book tonight, one theme is clear: infidelity.

When the main character finds out that the wife of a couple she admires is having an affair she reacts: “I can’t believe it. I snatch air into my lungs and realize that I’ve been holding my breath. Why would she do that?…I can’t believe she would do that to him, he doesn’t deserve that. I feel a real sense of disappointment. I feel as though I have been cheated on. A familiar ache fills my chest. I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it.”

“I found out the same way everyone seems to find out these days: an electronic slip. Sometimes its a text or a voice mail message: in my case it was an email, the modern-day lipstick on the collar….Once, I answered his phone when he was in the shower and he got quite upset and accused me of not trusting him. I felt awful because he seemed so hurt…There was a message at the top….I clicked. XXXXX. That was it, just a line of X’s. I thought it was spam at first, until I realized that they were kisses…It was a reply to a message he’d sent a few hours before, just after seven, when I was still slumbering in our bed.”

Her husband’s message to the other woman was in a folder marked ‘Admin.’ and it read: “I fell asleep last night thinking of you. I was dreaming about kissing your mouth, your breasts, the inside of your thighs. I woke this morning with my head full of you, desperate to touch you. Don’t expect me to be sane. I can’t be, not with you.”

The main character discovered “that my husband was in love with her. He told her so, often. He told her that he’d never felt like this before, that he couldn’t wait to be with her, that it wouldn’t be long until they could be together.”

Witnessing the wife she admires with another man evoked these feelings in her: ” I don’t have words to describe what I felt that day (the discovery of her own husband’s betrayal), but now, sitting on the train I am furious, nails digging into my palms, tears stinging my eyes. I feel a flash of intense anger. I feel as though something has been taken away from me. How could she? How could Jess do this? What is wrong with her ? Look at the life they have, look at how beautiful it is! I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. Who was it who said that following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. Hatred floods me. If I saw that woman now, if I saw Jess, I would spit in her face. I would scratch her eyes out.”

Her response when the Other Woman contacts her complaining that it is an inconvenience when she calls her ex is this: “Fucking bitch. She is a cuckoo laying her egg in my nest. She has taken everything from me. She has taken everything and now she calls me to tell me that my distress is inconvenient for her?…I am going to tell her that I don’t care about her…I’m going to tell her that the line he used with her–don’t expect me to be sane–he used it with me, too, when we were first together; he wrote it in a letter to me, declaring his undying passion. It’s not even his line: he stole it from Henry Miller. Everything she has is second hand.”

My daughter was just 11 when I found out about her dad’s affair. She has her own strong opinions about her dad and the other woman which I tend to learn about indirectly. It is usually when she talks to her sister about them in my presence or when she talks to me about her best friend’s cheating dad and that other woman.

This is just the first 43 pages and I’ve read 60. The plot is thickening and the characters are developing. I promise not to reveal any spoilers.

abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, deceit, divorce, Frank Elsner, God, infidelity, lying, Police, shame, sin, Spirituality, unfaithfulness

Victoria Police Chief Steps Aside

The police union demanded the resignation of Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner, two weeks ago as a result of his admission that he was exchanging inappropriate Twitter messages with the wife of a subordinate police officer.

Now, as reported by CHEK news tonight, Frank Elsner has voluntarily stepped aside, with pay, now that the Office of Police Complaints Commissioner has ordered two different public trust investigations into the police chief.

He is being investigated by RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) and two retired judges. Not only is there an issue with his exchange of flirtatious social media messages but he also allegedly misled investigators, lied to the officer in question about the messages he sent to his wife so that the officer would not file a complaint against him, talked to witnesses after being told not to talk to witnesses, and four employees have made workplace harassment complaints against him since 2014.

The investigation is expected to take six months.

Based on my conversation with people who work for Victoria Police, all of their emails and the Police Department social media accounts are internally monitored. How could the police chief be so stupid to not only do what every cheater does and risk his marriage, reputation, relationship with his children and family, ruin his finances, ruin his dreams but also do something that could destroy his career? Did he just think he wouldn’t be caught? Is it spiritual blindness because of his sinful thinking? Maybe when Romans 6:23 talks about the wages of sin being death it is talking about everything good in your life is now dead and gone.

I think of people like Bill Cosby who spent a lifetime building an image that is respected and admired only to have it crumble apart and turn to ash because of his apparent repeated abuse of women for his own sexual pleasure and whatever other gain he received from that behaviour. Now that will be his legacy. I think of scripture like “your sin will find you out” (Numbers 32:23) and “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world just to forfeit his own soul?”(Matthew 16:26) It makes me feel like I felt with my own husband that he was a fraud, liar and that everything he pretended that he stood for was false.

I suspect that there will be a new Victoria Police Chief in 2016.

adultery, Betrayal, Bible, cheating, children, Christianity, deceit, divorce, God, infidelity, lies, other woman, separation

David and Bathsheba

The reason I think that commenter “Sally” is most likely my husband is because his (Sally’s) arguments for himself (Sally) are always skewed in the most narcissistic way showing himself favour and steering away from anything that points negatively in his direction.

He (Sally) commented October 26, 2015, under the “What are you trying to create” post:

“King David was an adulterer. Even had the husband of the woman he desired killed for his own benefit. God still loved him and he was thought of as being a man after God’s own heart. One of Israel’s greatest Kings.”

My husband is trying to justify and defend his act of adultery by suggesting that God sees things differently than those of us who have been betrayed by the same act. He tries to minimize his infidelity and elevate himself higher than King David by pointing out that he at least didn’t kill Janice’s husband. But what my husband chooses to ignore is how God really felt about David’s actions and the devastating resulting consequences of his adultery. Just as Satan and the Pharisees did before David Cherrie, he twists scripture to his benefit to build a case for arguing that cheating is no big deal.

King David and Bathsheba is a sad story showing how sin can start, the depths one will go to in order to deceive and hide their sin for their own protection and that the sinner can’t even recognize his own actions needing the help of others to point it out.

The story is found in 2 Samuel 11 – 12.

How did God really feel about David’s act of adultery?

“But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.” (2 Samuel 11:27)

“This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. ⁸I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. ⁹Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.” (2 Samuel 12: 7-9)

Consequences?

“Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’”¹¹“This is what the Lord says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. ¹²You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’”…because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.” (2 Samuel 12:10-12)

There are comparisons to be made between King David and David Cherrie. In Samuel 11:1, we learn that King David was supposed to be off at war with his men, yet we find him instead in the comfort of his palace and bed. When he saw Bathsheba bathing he didn’t turn away. Instead, he inquired about her and was told she was married yet sent for her and slept with her anyway. In the same way, David Cherrie was supposed to be either working or home with his family. Yet he made up lies to go and be with Janice instead. He knew she was in a 12-year common-law relationship yet he pursued her anyways. In the same way Janice can be compared to Bathsheba. They both did inappropriate things to get noticed by their pursuer. Both knowingly betrayed their husband and slept with each David then went back home to their spouse. Both Davids were superiors in their lives taking advantage of their position, King and boss.

After King David found out Bathsheba was pregnant he tried to get her husband to go home and sleep with her so he would think the baby was his own. But Uriah was too loyal to King David and his men who were fighting in war and stayed with the servants at the palace gate instead of going to eat, drink and sleep with his wife. King David tried to get him drunk the next night for the same purpose but Uriah remained faithful to his King and his men. When that didn’t work King David sent him to the front line to fight and be killed. Other men went to help him fight so innocent lives in King David’s army were killed too. David Cherrie was equally as desperate to cover up his adultery in the lies he told and accusations he tried to place on me. He had no problem slaughtering innocent lives like his wife, children, family, friends, Janice’s husband and their family and friends just to keep up his life of sin and to keep his adultery hidden.

Both David Cherrie and King David were cold as stone afterwards. King David’s response to the death of Uriah and the innocent men who were fighting for him is, “Don’t be upset. The sword devours one as well as another.” David Cherrie’s response was “Everybody saw it coming. I’ve been unhappy for 8 years.” Both statements are just callous misrepresentations of the true motive to justify their selfish actions.

It took the prophet Nathan to come to King David to share a parable about another terribly selfish and cruel man for King David to understand how God viewed his adultery. King David was indignant by Nathan’s story and his response reveals what he thinks his own punishment should be for his act of adultery, “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! ⁶He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” (2 Samuel 12:5-6) Nathan’s response is, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:7)

God kept his word. Although David Cherrie will only see the good in King David and the blessings in his life and want to compare himself to King David suggesting all was well in his life post-affair, that is not true. God let the baby son of King David and Bathsheba die 7 days after he was born. God did not bless their sin. Amnon, David’s eldest son by Ahinoam (1 Chron. 3:1), raped his half-sister, Tamar. Two years afterward, Absalom, the king’s son by Maacah (2 Sam. 3:3), had Amnon murdered (2 Sam. 13). Then, later, Absalom “stole the hearts of the men of Israel,” rebelled against his father, and was ultimately killed by Joab (2 Sam. 18). Prior to being killed, Absalom rose up against King David causing him to have to flee the palace. Interestingly, Absalom pitched his tent on King David’s roof (the same place King David had watched Bathsheba bathe) and then took all of David’s concubine for his own in front of everyone. And even after David’s death, Adonijah, the king’s son by Haggith (2 Sam. 3:4), was slain by Solomon (1 Kgs. 2:24-25). A truly bloody price was paid for King David’s lust and violence.

Fast forward to the new testament when Matthew chronicles the genealogy of Christ. Matthew 1:6 logs,^“and Jesse the father of King David. David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife”. Centuries later it is recorded that Solomon was the product of adultery. Bathsheba’s name isn’t even mentioned as his mother because she rightfully belonged to someone else and we are reminded of this fact by her husband’s name appearing instead.

In summary, David Cherrie wants to gloss over his adultery and believe it is okay; that God will turn a blind eye. It is not acceptable in the eyes of God nor in the eyes of the majority of people who know what he did. David Cherrie may very well be the modern day King David. God certainly blessed him with everything he wanted and yet his ingratitude, greed, selfishness and lust led him away from God. There has never been any repentance by David Cherrie. I wonder what agonizing consequences will continue to follow David and Janice as a result of their adultery. Like it took the prophet Nathan to show King David who he really is especially in the eyes of God, it may take the comments of other people on this blog to be prophets in David Cherrie’s life by sharing their stories about the hurt of adultery and by continuing to comment on posts with their insights and truths. David and Janice are reading it. Maybe one day they will actually see themselves as they really are and take responsibility for their actions. Even if they don’t, it is recorded here for history.

*Thank you Wayne Jackson for helping me to easily summarize the consequences of David’s sin from the Christian Courier in your article, “Does the Case of David and Bathsheba Justify Adultery Today?”

^“

abuse, adultery, affair, bullying, cheating, deceit, divorce, fighting, lies, pack behaviour, pack mentality

Feeding Frenzy and Understanding Dave’s Pack of Wolves

The Two Wolves

A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, hatefulness, and lies.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, humbleness, kindness, friendship, generosity, faith, and truth.

This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too.”

The children thought about it for a minute. Then one child asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The Cherokee elder replied…

“The one you feed.””

The pack leaders are the alpha male and female. These two animals are dominant over all the other wolves in the pack. The beta wolf comes next acting as the second in command. The omega wolf is the weakest and least cared for in the pack. It tends to be bullied by other members and gets the brunt of aggression during inter-pack fighting. The omega instigates play among the pack as a way to ease tensions.

The alpha male and female get to eat first at kills. A pack usually consists of 6 wolves but can be anywhere from 2 – 36 wolves. The pack can consist of adult subordinates. They can hunt in packs or singly. To establish the dominant position they show superiority in their fighting. Wolves are intensely territorial.

Pack rankings are built on strength and the ability to win fights. I’ll let Dave, Janice and the rest of their pack figure out where they rank. If Dave isn’t creative enough to be organizing 11 different user names all trying to attack me and other bloggers or people who have made supportive comments on my site then it is likely Janice, the beta in the group or quite possibly the omega, trying to better themselves and prove their worth amongst the pack.

As they continue to stalk their pray, I will likely not respond and choose instead to let them starve. They can snarl all they want about me taking down my blog. They can bark all of the lies that Dave has fed them. They can bristle their fur and pounce. They will be the ones to whimper, running away with their tails between their legs. My tail is still wagging!

adultery, affair, cheating, deceit, divorce, office romance, separation

The Other Other Woman

In Feburary 2013, I suspected that my husband might be having an affair. This was less than 2 weeks before I found the evidence.

There was only one female adjuster working in his office with him. She is young, attractive, and probably in her late 20’s when I first met her. It was 2012. She had a baby and was only just starting back to work on a part-time basis after her maternity leave. There was an afternoon barbecue being held at one of the business partner’s home. She left her baby sleeping in the car in the driveway while she came in to visit. She left to go out on a claim about an hour later and then came back afterwards without the baby.

The second time I met her was at another function at the same partner’s home. Her husband was with her this time. She talked to me quite a bit. I remember thinking that she seemed like a good step mom to her husband’s first child based on everything she was telling me that she did for this child. I asked my husband after the party what he thought of her and his comment was odd. He said, “If we had children together they would have bad skin.” I never noticed her bad skin but my husband has a scarred face from acne. He obviously had given thought to having children with her.

After that, I found her to be a bit cocky. She called me by an incorrect name which was joke from a previous party when I told her that another adjuster in their office kept calling me Bonnie. She took it to the point of being disrespectful and she did it in front my husband. He laughed in support of her.

Then when I took cupcakes into their office in February 2013 for another adjuster who was just diagnosed with cancer (he had asked me specifically about these cupcakes before his diagnosis so when I was near this bakery I decided to go in and buy him some). The female adjuster saw me and called to me from her office, “I am just on the phone with your hubby.” He was on Salt Spring Island. I thought it odd that he was out on a claim and calling her. I was certain she was the one he was having the affair with and they might very well have been also.

Shortly after my separation I was told that she and her husband separated also. Then in July 2013 I learned that she had slept with one of my ex’s business partners. I told my ex that when he drove my daughter and me (a weird and rare gesture because I had a flat tire) to my girlfriend’s cabin for the day. My ex said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t know that.”

He didn’t ask me how I knew. He didn’t tell me it was bull-shit and he didn’t lambaste me as he usually does about fabricating some fantasy. He certainly wasn’t surprised or shocked. He must have suspected.

He actually told a mutual friend of ours that his office is like the t.v. series Mad Men where everyone sleeps with everyone. For all I know they all share each other (my ex did share details, shortly after he started to work there, of swinging that went out with one of the couples in his office).

I figured afterwards he was only with Janice because he was looking and she obviously showed interest. The big plus is that she doesn’t have kids. That is an important factor for him.

In October 2013, my daughter was at my ex’s office waiting for him to come back to take her around to sell a fundraising item for her dance. Another lady in the office kindly offered to take her around since my ex was late and I waited in the reception area. I saw that there was an incident occurring in front of this other woman adjuster’s office. The lady taking my daughter around looked at me apologetically. I was told after she was on the phone but she had done something to make my daughter feel very uncomfortable. I was told after by my ex that this female adjuster didn’t want me to come into their office again. I never even saw her. She shouldn’t have even know that I was there. I thought that if she was such a good mom and friend to my husband she would eagerly support my daughter in her fundraising efforts. I feel like her reaction to my daughter’s present was inexplicably over the top. My daughter made the decision then and there that she never wanted to go into my ex’s office again so I really don’t know what she saw this woman do.

After I switched lawyers because the Collaborative process was not working, I found out that my ex referred this other woman to my lawyer for representation. He confirmed that with me. He felt that my lawyer would be a good fit for her. This seemed so bizarre.

Since then my kids have mentioned the other adjuster’s name. My ex talks about her in random ways to them. He told my kids that she worked at Garage and didn’t like the job because she had to tell people they looked good in clothes when they didn’t.

My kids also told me that it was this adjuster who looked after my ex’s fish while he was in Ontario with Janice and our children. They said specifically that she would come by his place with her son to feed Waldo. I got to thinking that she must know what Janice drives since Janice works part-time in their office. She must have seen her vehicle parked on the street if it is was in fact there. She would have noticed if there was any vandalism.

Then I got to thinking that maybe she is the one who vandalized the vehicle if there is a little love triangle going on.

adultery, cheating, children, deceit, destruction, divorce, family, lying, other woman

The Boov

When my youngest daughter (13 years old) and I were on vacation this summer in Parksville, BC, we decided to go to an outdoor showing of the movie Home. She had already seen it with my ex and the other woman, Janice Andrews.

The movie started at dusk which happened to be 9:56 p.m. It was held at a huge park near the ocean. It was very busy with people and cars and there was a lot going on around the park including a sand castle/sculpture competition and a huge playground/water park area. We set up our chairs, blankets and snacks with friends of ours (another mom and her 2 kids, one who is my daughter’s best friend) who were also vacationing in Parksville.

Just before the movie was about to start my daughter decided she needed to go to the bathroom. I didn’t want her to go alone so I said I would come with her. Just when we were at the edge of the park the movie started to play. She said, “Mom, you need to see the beginning. You stay.” I looked around to see if there might be a bathroom closer, even a port-a-potty, as the bathrooms we went to before we set up were really far away and it was now dark. There was nothing. I hesitated and told her that I didn’t feel great about her going alone but she said, “Just wait here” and she ran off.

As soon as she left I regretted letting her go. She didn’t have her phone with her and I didn’t have mine with me. I was afraid she wouldn’t even be able to find the bathroom. I considered running after her but had a quick vision of her deciding not to go alone and coming back to find me not in my spot. Then while the minutes passed I contemplated going to meet her but didn’t want to miss her in case we took different paths. I tried to focus on what was happening at the start of the movie as my daughter obviously felt it was important but I kept turning to look for her. In probably less than 10 minutes she was back. I told her that I was so relieved to see her, regretted letting her go alone and that I was so grateful she was back safely. She said it was scary and she ran the entire way.

Interestingly enough, the movie ran 2 parallel themes of what I just experienced. One theme involved a young daughter, Tip, who had been separated from her mom after the Boov invaded Earth. Tip hated The Boov for taking her mom from her and did everything to hurt them, stop them and escape them. The Boov are selfish, lying, aliens who displaced all humans for their own self-interest. They were so self-absorbed they weren’t even kind to other Boov in their own species.

Then there is The Gorg. The Gorg was chasing The Boov because the leader of the Boov stole an egg containing the last of the Gorg species.

After the movie, I was reflecting on the commentary and wondered if my ex and Janice were at all uncomfortable with this theme as they watched with my daughter. After all, they destroyed family. My daughter and I talked about this as we walked back to our car. We talked about how she would do anything to track me down if we were separated from each other and I told her that I would be like the Gorg and would never stop searching for her. Then we discussed that Janice was like The Boov. It made no difference to her that my ex had a wife and kids. She was self-seeking and lied and schemed to her own husband to go after what she wanted.

This movie gave us a nickname for Janice Andrews. Now we just call her “The Boov”.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: deceit