adultery, affair, Bible, Christianity, divorce, God, infidelity, marriage, moving, Spirituality

It is all for My Good!

Initially, in the aftermath of discovering my husband’s affair, I had periods of joyous jubilation. Somewhere over the past 2 years, I lost that.

In the first month after the affair, I knew I would never be with my ex again because of his choices and his decisions. When I found out he had also been contacting an ex girlfriend regularly for a period of 4 years and when I began to find his emails and Facebook conversations and read how inappropriately his conversations and contacts with other women had been during our marriage, I knew I wanted nothing to do with this man ever again. All trust was broken beyond repair.

I was confident that God revealed to me the truth about my ex’s behaviour because God would not allow my ex to make a mockery of our marriage and because he knew I deserved way better. God is slow to anger and I suspect that over the last 4 years and probably longer he gave my ex a lot of opportunities to repent. As devastating and painful as the realization of my ex’s behaviour and lack of love and respect for me and our children was to me, I trusted in God’s plan for my life. God gave me my husband and now he was removing him from my life. I held on to one of my favourite scriptures:

Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I had loved my life and always considered my life up until this point completely blessed. I was content with everything I had and every situation in my life. Even in difficult and challenging situations I trusted God’s wisdom and the direction of my life. I had confidence in everything that happened. So even with, what to me seemed like the worst thing that could happen in my life, I was excited with what God had in store for me next. It had been so good up until this point I had fun imagining what God had planned for me next–maybe I’ll move (Australia was calling me at the time), maybe I’ll do this or that, maybe I’ll meet this person, etc. and etc. It was very exciting to imagine all that I could and would do now that I was no longer attached to one person and their career path. I could finally do the things I had dreamed. The things my husband knew I wanted to do but that he never encouraged or supported .

I wrote in a journal all the blessings that God continued to give me post affair. When my ex made decision after decision to financial crush me and to turn away from his relationship with our children, I held on to all of the new relationships, opportunities and financial gifts that seemed to just land in my lap and that benefited both me and my kids.

However, over the past year and a half, had difficulty seeing God’s promise. I was feeling harmed and I had difficulty imagining a prosperous and hopeful future. The endless divorce process, my financial situation, our living situation, the needs of my children, the demands of everyday responsibilities that I have to carry alone, the nastiness of my ex; the weight of these challenges buried me. Fear for me and my children sometimes consumed me.

The worst thing I can do is focus on my loss. It is a struggle to not be bitter against my ex for leading our family into financial ruin. The loss of security and stability for me and my kids by selling our family home is one decision that haunts me as well as the decision to sign our mediation agreement when I knew the numbers didn’t make sense. If I had just taken a day and asked to see Dave’s lawyer’s calculations, the $100,000 error against me would have been obvious. Trusting that Dave would even follow through on a mediation agreement was a mistake. It was a huge mistake to enter into an agreement with someone who has consistently been proven to be dishonest and untrustworthy. The same character that allowed him to pursue an affair and treat me and our kids with distain is the same character that made it okay with him to cheat me and his children out of responsibilities he legally owed as well as actions he ethically and in good-conscience should have manned up and handled. I had a lot of thoughts of, “God, how could this be your plan for prospering me and giving me hope and a future?”

There have been very valuable life and spiritual lessons over the last 2 years. Being this uncomfortable has had life-changing benefits that I wouldn’t want to give up but I also no longer want to keep enduring. I kept telling myself and others that I just need to hang on until my youngest is finished high school–“Just 4 more years, just 3 more years…” That was when I felt we would have the freedom to leave and do whatever we wanted. But I am ready to claim everything good that the universe and God have in store for me now, I don’t want to wait. I can’t wait. It may be my plan to have my daughter finish high school here for her benefit but I choose to have the mindset that making that decision is a good choice for me as well. I decided to start claiming all that is good and available for me now.

On my way to the hospital yesterday morning I decided that I was not going to pay for parking. I think it is $2.50 for 2 hours. I said out loud, “Someone is going to give me their parking ticket that hasn’t expired yet because I am not paying for parking today.” I turned into the hospital driveway and I made contact with every vehicle driver on their way out. No one offered me a ticket. So I parked and headed over to the parking meter. This is the sign that was taped to the meter:

20171103_125305

I smiled so wide. I laughed all the way into the hospital and of course I thanked God.

Then today when I picked my daughter up from dance we went to Starbucks. I had received one of those star challenges that said I would receive 50 bonus stars if I bought the 3 things I buy most: my latte, breakfast sandwich and my daughter’s Frappuccino. We ordered but they were all out of the breakfast sandwich that was specified in the challenge. The barista apologized and asked if I wanted something different or did I just want a refund. I told the barista that I wasn’t really hungry but was just ordering it to get my bonus stars. The barista said that instead of refunding me the four dollars and a bit of change that she would keep my order so I would get my bonus points and then she gave me two gift cards for $4/each. I proceeded to tell my daughter about the gift I received yesterday with the parking and now this unexpected gift today. Thank you again, God.

These may seem like tiny rewards but asking for these, acknowledging receiving them, and being grateful for these gifts puts it in my consciousness that I am ready and open to be lifted from my current position and placed in a better situation right now. I know I have been so focused on “just staying here until my youngest is finished high school” that I have literally been “just staying here.” This awareness affirms what I know in my heart and has brought that joyful, excited feeling back into my thinking.

When I reassess, I am happier with my current living situation much more so than I was at the last place I rented. The last place was better than the place before that. I definitely had thankfulness and gratitude for each place but when circumstances outside of my control forced me to move I became fearful and uncertain that we would find some place new to live. I longed for stability. I am now reminded that although my constant moving doesn’t feel like stability the biggest life lesson I learned during these 4 years is that worldly stability is false. My stability and security comes from God and his love, his promises, his truth. That is my solid foundation, not a house. So although it may cause some initial discomfort, I am back trusting and remembering that every move, every shift, every gift is all for my good moving me to a better place in life!

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, faith, God, infidelity

I Just Saw Ugly

I saw my ex last Sunday because our daughter had a dance competition. We sat on opposite sides of the theatre but stood with our daughter together when she was finished performing.

I looked at him while he was talking to her. There is nothing remotely attractive to me about my ex. He was dressed very nicely, all new clothes to me, but the expression about putting lipstick on a pig popped into my head. He is still a pig.

What was attractive to me previously about my ex was the fact that he was my husband. We were partners. He was committed to God, to me and to our children and I trusted that with those priorities my kids and I were well loved. I was committed to him and those same things and I never wavered in my attempt to be the giving, supportive and loving wife. I sacrificed for his career and to care for our children but I have no regrets because that was the best thing for our family. We had built a life together that I was very grateful we had and I had no reason to believe any of those priorities had changed for him. I thought we continued to have the same hopes and dreams and purpose.

What makes him particularly ugly to me now is way beyond him having an affair. It is how he has treated me and my children and even God since then. It is one thing to be someone who never had a relationship with God, but it is completely another thing for someone to have known God, committed his life to God and thanked God for everything God gave him and then to suddenly throw it all back in God’s face saying it wasn’t good enough. He is completely unrepentant. He is also ugly to me now in the way he continues to not take responsibility for his share of support and agreements he made in mediation. The distrust and failure to keep his word makes me scrunch my nose and turn my mouth up in distaste. He is especially awful to look at because he just missed seeing our daughter on the Sunday and Wednesday he was “scheduled” to see her because he was away and yet even though he returned, he never tried to see her outside of his next scheduled visit. Even when he picked her up at 6:30 p.m. this Wednesday she was home before 7:15 p.m. He took her to Subway and then dropped her off. He doesn’t have a deep, personal connection or relationship with our daughter and doesn’t seem to care to have that. I was attracted to a man who knew his children, did things with his kids and for his kids, a man who joined in and participated in quality and quantity time with them and made it special. I was attracted to a man who prayed and had a spiritual view and offered sound counsel to others including me and our children. My older daughter is going through a huge amount of difficulty right now and my ex’s response is basically, “She is 19, she needs to deal with it.” Our child needs financial, legal and a lot of emotional support, encouragement, as well as strong and sound advice right now but he has nothing to give.

It is interesting to me that the origin of the word “ugly” comes from words that mean ‘dreadful’, ‘fearful’, ‘apprehension’, ‘ill-tempered’. and ‘strife’. It is the root sense of ‘hate’ and ‘sorrow’ and the extended sense of ‘morally offensive’. It is his attitude that oozes out from within and emotes a negative energy that makes him “frightful or horrible in appearance” to me. I have never in my life criticized his physical appearance in any way. He has acne scars, large ears and a big head. I never saw those things. It is his hardened and cold heart that turns him into a grotesque figure.

There is not a single ounce of desire for this person who I simply no longer recognize as the man with who I once shared a life.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, Bible, Christianity, Christmas, divorce, faith, God, infidelity, Janice Andrews, Love, lying, marriage, promises, Spirituality

The Ghosts of Christmas

The Ghost of Christmas Past:

Spent my 4th Christmas post-affair. I honestly don’t look back and long for the Christmas’ with my ex. We always had great celebrations whether it was commuting to the three sets of parents’ homes all in different cities and sometimes my birth father’s side of the family as well or whether it was just the 4 of us after our move to British Columbia. All good memories (except our last Christmas together when my ex was already involved with Janice and ignored me at his company Xmas party and over-drank and was obnoxious at my sister’s place during our family celebration and then was rude and impatient with me the next morning).

The Ghost of Christmas Present:

This was the first year my ex purchased a gift for the girls to give to Janice. He gave it to my younger daughter to bring home and wrap. I have no idea what it was–something from The Body Shop I think based on one of the bags she left at our front entrance. When she told me she had to wrap a gift for Janice I asked if her dad bought her paper. No, she was expected to use my wrapping paper. No idea what paper she chose or what it looked it–bows, ribbons, tag, etc. I wonder if Janice really opened it up and thought how nice that the girls shopped for her and chose something for her. Something as special as soap. Guess it is Dave’s way to pretend it is a family Xmas where everyone exchanges gifts and niceties out of love for each other.

The girls and I had a very fun Christmas Eve. I gave them their traditional Xmas pajamas gift to open and they immediately put them on. We took selfies on my bed with all the pets and stayed up very late.

Christmas morning was relaxed and fun. I went on a walk with the dog in the afternoon and we went to our friends’ farm for dinner. Our friends said that it made their Christmas table much more lively having us there. We played a game afterwards with presents and came home with a new disco snowman and a disco tree decoration.

The Ghost of Christmas Future:

As I celebrated the birth of Christ, I was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future. It came in the form of scripture.

I was reminded that for me to know Jesus requires that I share in his sufferings (Romans 8:17). Betrayal was the biggest part of his suffering and now I know what it feels like to be betrayed by the one who knew me the best and who I loved the most and who should have loved me back the most in this world.

NIV Galatians 6:17 “Let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.” That is a warning for Janice and Dave. For me Jesus says in NIV John 16:33: “In this world you will have trouble.” Jesus tells me though to take heart because he overcame the world and I will, too! In this same scripture Jesus says to have peace despite the trouble because I am not alone; God is always with me.

I may have suffered the loss of my marriage due to an affair because of evil, greedy, lustful and selfish people but Isaiah 61:1 -7 lists all the promises I can claim because God “love(s) justice; (and he) hate(s) robbery and iniquity.” Janice robbed me of my husband. She took what wasn’t hers to take. Like a thief, she will always know she obtained what she has dishonestly at great cost to others and at a loss to her reputation, trust and integrity. It is a lie and will be a constant reminder for herself and others of who she is at the core of her being. She shouldn’t be sad when the next thief steals it from her especially because she puts it on display; it never belonged to her in the first place. The same holds true for Dave. What a waste of time and effort and money trying to hold on to something that is just a lie and false security.

Regardless of my husband’s broken promises, God promises to me in this scripture that he will always be faithful and will reward me with his everlasting covenant that no one can steal from me. Jesus is in me and will lead me where he wants me to go. I trust that! My husband left me, Jesus did not.

I know there will be battles in my future but I will get up and get in the ring and fight to knock Satan out so I can claim my victory! God works everything out for the good of those who love him (NIV Romans 8:28).

adultery, affair, Betrayal, Bible, cheating, children, Christianity, divorce, ex spouse, faith, God, infidelity, Janice Andrews, other woman, sin

Is the Honeymoon Over?

I like the idea of Dave and Janice being together for the rest of their lives and having to live with the consequences of choosing their new path. I know they will be repaid accordingly in life for the hurt, damage and selfishness they chose instead of doing right but I don’t need to know how that destiny unfolds.

I would not want to be Janice and be held accountable to God for what he brought together and she chose to tear apart. Dave carries an even higher onus of responsibility. As a Christian, baptized as an adult, choosing to live for Christ, he knows the scripture promises. He should be shivering, as even Satan trembles at the mention of God, but instead lives in arrogance and debauchery denying God, his word, his children, his faith and his responsibilities.

So I have to say I was a little disappointed when my younger daughter happily proclaimed to my eldest daughter, when she came home for Canadian Thanksgiving in October, that she hadn’t seen Janice since my older daughter left for university in the summer. My oldest daughter said that Janice was coming to dinner with their dad and them over the weekend but she didn’t show up. The kids discussed that Janice and Dave went to Vegas for her 50th birthday in September and talked about how they went to a Cirque du Soleil show (unimaginative gift since he took me for my 40th and took me to a Cirque du Soleil show, too)but they were speculating whether or not the relationship had hit the end of the road.

When my youngest daughter told me that Janice was in the vehicle when we saw them coming off the ferry in November my youngest daughter told my oldest daughter. When he wasn’t bringing her to see my daughter dance I then wondered to myself if maybe the trip to Vancouver was last minute and a way to try and rekindle something or simply Dave using her for company so he didn’t have to be alone or maybe another girl bailed. My experience with him when we dated was that he would pick fights and use that as an excuse to go out with other women and probably did that in our marriage as well now that I have hindsight. I suspect this leopard shows off his same spots and that Janice will fail to acknowledge the truth of Mr. Duplicity at least until her guaranteed destruction can’t be ignored.

It was only yesterday that my youngest daughter came home and announced her lucky streak was over. Janice came with them to lunch (actually at a new burger place right around the corner from my yoga studio where my daughter pointed out my car to them in the parking lot as they drove by and it is a place that I frequent and almost went for lunch yesterday as well).

So I smile as the two of them deservingly are still together. I would never want them to miss out on everything that is still to come.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, Cancer, cheating, Christianity, divorce, faith, God, melanoma, separatiion, Spirituality, the other woman

A Spreading Cancer and a beautiful Crater

I met with the doctor on Friday afternoon, last week. She was held up in the operating room at the hospital so she was late getting back to her office. There were two patients for her to see before me so it was close to 3:30 when I finally got to meet with her.

The melanoma in my right arm has spread beyond the 5 mm perimeter on one side. Therefore, I require more surgery. My doctor wanted me to come in on Sunday. I told her I was leaving in the morning for March break. I was leaving with a girlfriend and her two daughters along with my daughter for a road trip. We had reservations at the Running Y Ranch Resort in Klamath Falls, Oregon for Saturday. We booked to stay for the week (an amazing deal of only $150/week for a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo) but we planned on leaving Thursday to go to Portland as our girls are in a dance competition. It would be a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride from Victoria to Port Angeles and then another 10 hour drive to our destination so I really couldn’t delay the trip for 2 days without disappointing 4 other people.

We discussed the risks of waiting. My doctor said if it was a basal cell carcinoma she would say it was okay to wait but she reminded me we are dealing with melanoma and “ideally” it should come out today. She said there were two benefits of waiting. Firstly, the scar on my arm is very tight. The longer it has to heal the more chance there is skin for her to pull back over my wound. She also said waiting until I get back would give her time to try and see if she could order a small batch of skin bond glue. It is very expensive and I will have to pay for it. She said she would see if she could order just enough for my procedure. It will cost about $50.

So I made the decision to carry on with my trip. I booked my surgery for the first available appointment my doctor had after Easter which is the end of March break.

I do not regret my decision, at this point anyway. We are having an amazing time. The resort was beautiful. We made a lot of use out of the huge pool that we had to ourselves a lot of the time. We enjoyed the Shriner circus, shopped, explored the lava beds in California, the Wildlife Refuge, climbed mountains, descended into caves, went on self-guided nature walks, visited Petroglyphs and learned a lot about the Madoc and Klamath Indian battles with the white settlers.

The highlight was being able to experience the awe of Crater Lake. We had wanted to go early in the week but due to snow storms there was no visibility even if we could make the drive up there. We were able to view the webcams around the lake from our resort lobby. There was no visibility. It was fogged in. The road was completely snow packed. The road had been closed the entire time we were in Klamath Falls but we heard that you could snow shoe from the Visitor Station to the rim in about 30 minutes. We decided to chance it on our way back towards Portland. It was a clear, sunny and warm day. It turns out that the road reopened just two hours before we arrived so we were able to drive up to the rim.

It was a very spiritual experience for me. The half million years it took for Mount Mazama to form. Then the battle that was brewing inside it until it’s final eruption 7,700 years ago. So violent was that eruption that the foundation cracked in a complete circle and the entire mountain collapsed in destruction. When all that was left was the empty, scarred caldera it became filled with melted snow to form the deepest lake in the United States and possibly the purest source of water in the world. It was a real reminder to me of how the most difficult and traumatic experiences in our life that completely leave us depleted can be filled with everything good and pure and turn our lives into the most beautiful, unimaginable creations.

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, Cancer, cheating, divorce, God, Healing, hot yoga, unfaithfulness

Stay Real,Live Positive,Practice Hot Yoga

Hope comes in many forms.

As I walk my journey of heart break, betrayal, and the devastating consequences of a narcissistic, cheating spouse and his self-seeking girlfriend in my life, God inserts kinder, gentler, inspiring people to remind me that my ex and the other woman are only two crumby people in a huge world that have lived on and crossed my path, temporarily blocking my way.

David Smith, photographed below in a standing bow posture, is one of the many better people that have appeared in my life, since my separation. He arrived at the perfect time. David Smith and I take Bikram yoga classes together. In 2015, he was so kind in emailing me encouraging messages pertaining to my yoga practice, my running and my life situation. I thought it was the coach in him but I have realized that his own life experiences, which could have embittered him, and did, (he thinks it caused his cancer) have made him the amazing man that he is today.

I wanted to share one aspect of his life, as I wait for the results of my own cancer diagnosis, just as an offer of hope and encouragement. Maybe what we interpret as a death sentence is only an opportunity for a better life.

DAVID SMITH:

MY YOGA STORY

Being diagnosed with terminal cancer is a real shock to say the least. Cancer comes in many varieties. Unluckily, mine was diagnosed as the most aggressive you can get. It had spread to twenty locations from behind the lungs to the pelvis. It was on the move to the brain, bones or both, next.

Cancer and its treatment are extremely hard on the body. From 2011 to 2014 I received four surgical procedures, the key one failed and was aborted. A dizzying array of nasty meds, fifty two radiation treatments and forty five radioactive seed implants followed. During and after all this treatment my immune system was nonexistent as all critical blood values dipped well below normal ranges. Testosterone, a critical male hormone wasn’t just low, it went to zero as did strength and energy levels. My weight shot up from 170 to 208 lbs, almost overnight.

Did I mention that I run my own business? It was not doing great as well.

Just to add another level of stress and ‘excitement’, when you develop cancer the kooks come out of the woodwork offering a dizzying array of witchcraft and untested home remedies. All unproven and most for money of course. Surprisingly the advice I found most offensive was “stay positive.” You have got to be kidding me! The best advice is to STAY REAL!

Fortunately I had great support from long time employees, my son Tyler (now a Bikram instructor and another dramatic yoga success story), a team of very well qualified doctors in the United States and the Sidney Hot Yoga studio.

Hot Yoga, you have got to be kidding!

I have an extensive competitive cycling background as a member of the Canadian National Team in 1993, and coach to Ryder Hesjedal – arguably one of the best cyclists Canada has ever produced. A Hot Yoga studio was the last place I ever thought I would be. From my sports training background I knew the importance of good nutrition and so eating habits were modified. Not to extremes. Just sensible.

During radiation treatment in Sarasota Florida, Tyler would drag me to the Bikram studio right after treatment before the negative effects took hold. I would crawl through classes, like it or not. When I returned to Sidney, I suffered through Thirty Day Challenges and even challenged myself to many a double class and even an all-day yoga, doing four classes in one day.

There have been many recent medical studies that are showing that yoga benefits cancer patients. Duhh….of course it does! Instead of “staying positive” you are “living positive.” Surrounding yourself with good energy, positive people and improving your fitness level. Its a no brainer.

My doctors are amazed at how healthy I look and how well I am doing. As one commented, “You are not the man in your medical charts, what is your secret?” I don’t know what the outcome will be. I do know that I am doing WAY better than what was first predicted.

For now the cancer is gone.

What I know too is that hot yoga has played a huge role in the success of the treatments. Aches and pains from of a lifetime of crashes and crazy boat rides are gone as well. There is still everyday stress but it gets handled with a new sense of calm, dignity and confidence. In the end, illness, arthritis, stress or not, I should have been doing heated yoga all along anyway – Wake up calls come in strange ways.

Thanks to all of you! XXXOOO David

P.S. Please feel free to share this with friends and family, maybe it will help their loved ones. I wish I had a better Standing Bow but oh well!

adultery, affair, Betrayal, children, Christianity, divorce, God, infidelity, moving on, other woman, separatiion, single parent, unfaithfulness

Waiting

I feel like my life is on hold.

I have a cancer diagnosis hanging over my head. My stitches were removed yesterday but the pathology report remains outstanding. My doctor is watching for the results and promised to call me directly.

Even though the stitches are out the area will take a year to heal. The doctor explained that there is a lot of repairing still to take place inside. The outside skin is very weak and the wound can reopen so there are still limitations in what I am able to do with my arm.

I usually start my run clinic at this time of year preparing for races. This is the first time in 6 years I haven’t joined Sole Sisters. When Dave and I initially separated he said he would pick up our daughter on Tuesday nights so I could continue to run with my group. That was only because it worked for his schedule. Now that it doesn’t, I am picking up my daughter from dance on clinic night. I was going to join a different group on a different day or try training on my own or with a friend who used to coach running but with my 2 surgeries and diagnosis it seemed like a waste of money until I know if I will have to have further testing and treatment.

My ex is still fighting me on so many issues. We are waiting for his compliance on the court orders before returning to court on outstanding issues and new ones. He did pay me the support arrears and court cost amount but he has several other orders with actions to complete and information to provide. As usual, the information he did provide is incomplete or insufficient so my lawyer has had to write to his lawyer again making further requests.

I am only staying in Victoria at this time because of my children. I have tried for the last 3 years, in the midst of the destruction of our family and finances, to do what I could to keep the daily lives of my children stable. I don’t want to take our younger daughter away from her dad, her friends or her dance studio but we have talked about moving. She said she would move if we could go to Florida. I asked why and she said it was warm and she liked all the places we have stayed there. Both of her grandparents go there for the winter months and one of my best friends lives there. I told her that it is too difficult to get into the States to reside. She suggested we move up island but I told her that I didn’t really see the benefit. She wants us to have a house and our own space. Housing costs are less up island but I told her that if she was going to move hours away from her dad and friends the reality is that she wouldn’t get to see them very often. We may as well go where we would really like to go or have a reason to go. She said she would move anywhere if her best friend and her mom came with us. I said that all of their family is here and her best friend’s mom has a career so that was very unlikely to happen. She mentioned one other dance friend and her mom who is my friend (even though there is a dad and 3 other siblings) that she said she would like to have move with us.

My older daughter has been staying with me during her Reading Week break from university. I talked about the possibility of moving with my older daughter as well. She agreed that it made more sense for us to move to Vancouver or back to Ontario where more options exist for all of us and where we have family. I told her that I don’t want to move away from her and that my thinking at this point is to wait until she is finished university (3 more years anyways) and for her sister to finish high school (4 more years). We also talked about the pets. As sad as it is to think about it, the reality is that our 12 year old dog would not have to be considered in a move 4 years from now. Flying for him, seven years ago, was so stressful that I wouldn’t put him through that again.

The three of us talked about a four year plan. We discussed making the most of the next 4 years here by visiting places that are more easily accessible living on the west coast. We talked about going to Hawaii, Alaska and Mexico. We have already driven down the west coast to San Diego but there are some interior places that I would still like to visit in California.

At this point, there is no clear cross road in my path. If it was only about me, I would be gone. So in the middle of waiting, I am going to try to live with a 4 year plan to help me prepare for next steps. I am going to register my younger daughter at two high school because she is currently undecided which direction she should follow. I am going to get divorced with an enforceable court ruling on payments owed by Dave and do whatever I can do to get him out of my life. I am going to focus on my health. I am going to liquidate as much of my belongings as possible. I am going to try to rebuild my finances. I am going to plan trips.

Jeremiah 29:11 has always been one of my favourite scriptures and is impressed in my brain. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” So within my 4 year plan, I know God has a plan. It is probably the other way around. Within God’s plan, I am going to focus on my plan for me and my girls and he will handle the rest. I honestly believe it is all for my good. So, I wait.

abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, deceit, divorce, Frank Elsner, God, infidelity, lying, Police, shame, sin, Spirituality, unfaithfulness

Victoria Police Chief Steps Aside

The police union demanded the resignation of Victoria Police Chief, Frank Elsner, two weeks ago as a result of his admission that he was exchanging inappropriate Twitter messages with the wife of a subordinate police officer.

Now, as reported by CHEK news tonight, Frank Elsner has voluntarily stepped aside, with pay, now that the Office of Police Complaints Commissioner has ordered two different public trust investigations into the police chief.

He is being investigated by RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) and two retired judges. Not only is there an issue with his exchange of flirtatious social media messages but he also allegedly misled investigators, lied to the officer in question about the messages he sent to his wife so that the officer would not file a complaint against him, talked to witnesses after being told not to talk to witnesses, and four employees have made workplace harassment complaints against him since 2014.

The investigation is expected to take six months.

Based on my conversation with people who work for Victoria Police, all of their emails and the Police Department social media accounts are internally monitored. How could the police chief be so stupid to not only do what every cheater does and risk his marriage, reputation, relationship with his children and family, ruin his finances, ruin his dreams but also do something that could destroy his career? Did he just think he wouldn’t be caught? Is it spiritual blindness because of his sinful thinking? Maybe when Romans 6:23 talks about the wages of sin being death it is talking about everything good in your life is now dead and gone.

I think of people like Bill Cosby who spent a lifetime building an image that is respected and admired only to have it crumble apart and turn to ash because of his apparent repeated abuse of women for his own sexual pleasure and whatever other gain he received from that behaviour. Now that will be his legacy. I think of scripture like “your sin will find you out” (Numbers 32:23) and “What good is it for a man to gain the whole world just to forfeit his own soul?”(Matthew 16:26) It makes me feel like I felt with my own husband that he was a fraud, liar and that everything he pretended that he stood for was false.

I suspect that there will be a new Victoria Police Chief in 2016.

adultery, Betrayal, Bible, cheating, children, Christianity, deceit, divorce, God, infidelity, lies, other woman, separation

David and Bathsheba

The reason I think that commenter “Sally” is most likely my husband is because his (Sally’s) arguments for himself (Sally) are always skewed in the most narcissistic way showing himself favour and steering away from anything that points negatively in his direction.

He (Sally) commented October 26, 2015, under the “What are you trying to create” post:

“King David was an adulterer. Even had the husband of the woman he desired killed for his own benefit. God still loved him and he was thought of as being a man after God’s own heart. One of Israel’s greatest Kings.”

My husband is trying to justify and defend his act of adultery by suggesting that God sees things differently than those of us who have been betrayed by the same act. He tries to minimize his infidelity and elevate himself higher than King David by pointing out that he at least didn’t kill Janice’s husband. But what my husband chooses to ignore is how God really felt about David’s actions and the devastating resulting consequences of his adultery. Just as Satan and the Pharisees did before David Cherrie, he twists scripture to his benefit to build a case for arguing that cheating is no big deal.

King David and Bathsheba is a sad story showing how sin can start, the depths one will go to in order to deceive and hide their sin for their own protection and that the sinner can’t even recognize his own actions needing the help of others to point it out.

The story is found in 2 Samuel 11 – 12.

How did God really feel about David’s act of adultery?

“But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.” (2 Samuel 11:27)

“This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. ⁸I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. ⁹Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.” (2 Samuel 12: 7-9)

Consequences?

“Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’”¹¹“This is what the Lord says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. ¹²You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’”…because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.” (2 Samuel 12:10-12)

There are comparisons to be made between King David and David Cherrie. In Samuel 11:1, we learn that King David was supposed to be off at war with his men, yet we find him instead in the comfort of his palace and bed. When he saw Bathsheba bathing he didn’t turn away. Instead, he inquired about her and was told she was married yet sent for her and slept with her anyway. In the same way, David Cherrie was supposed to be either working or home with his family. Yet he made up lies to go and be with Janice instead. He knew she was in a 12-year common-law relationship yet he pursued her anyways. In the same way Janice can be compared to Bathsheba. They both did inappropriate things to get noticed by their pursuer. Both knowingly betrayed their husband and slept with each David then went back home to their spouse. Both Davids were superiors in their lives taking advantage of their position, King and boss.

After King David found out Bathsheba was pregnant he tried to get her husband to go home and sleep with her so he would think the baby was his own. But Uriah was too loyal to King David and his men who were fighting in war and stayed with the servants at the palace gate instead of going to eat, drink and sleep with his wife. King David tried to get him drunk the next night for the same purpose but Uriah remained faithful to his King and his men. When that didn’t work King David sent him to the front line to fight and be killed. Other men went to help him fight so innocent lives in King David’s army were killed too. David Cherrie was equally as desperate to cover up his adultery in the lies he told and accusations he tried to place on me. He had no problem slaughtering innocent lives like his wife, children, family, friends, Janice’s husband and their family and friends just to keep up his life of sin and to keep his adultery hidden.

Both David Cherrie and King David were cold as stone afterwards. King David’s response to the death of Uriah and the innocent men who were fighting for him is, “Don’t be upset. The sword devours one as well as another.” David Cherrie’s response was “Everybody saw it coming. I’ve been unhappy for 8 years.” Both statements are just callous misrepresentations of the true motive to justify their selfish actions.

It took the prophet Nathan to come to King David to share a parable about another terribly selfish and cruel man for King David to understand how God viewed his adultery. King David was indignant by Nathan’s story and his response reveals what he thinks his own punishment should be for his act of adultery, “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! ⁶He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” (2 Samuel 12:5-6) Nathan’s response is, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:7)

God kept his word. Although David Cherrie will only see the good in King David and the blessings in his life and want to compare himself to King David suggesting all was well in his life post-affair, that is not true. God let the baby son of King David and Bathsheba die 7 days after he was born. God did not bless their sin. Amnon, David’s eldest son by Ahinoam (1 Chron. 3:1), raped his half-sister, Tamar. Two years afterward, Absalom, the king’s son by Maacah (2 Sam. 3:3), had Amnon murdered (2 Sam. 13). Then, later, Absalom “stole the hearts of the men of Israel,” rebelled against his father, and was ultimately killed by Joab (2 Sam. 18). Prior to being killed, Absalom rose up against King David causing him to have to flee the palace. Interestingly, Absalom pitched his tent on King David’s roof (the same place King David had watched Bathsheba bathe) and then took all of David’s concubine for his own in front of everyone. And even after David’s death, Adonijah, the king’s son by Haggith (2 Sam. 3:4), was slain by Solomon (1 Kgs. 2:24-25). A truly bloody price was paid for King David’s lust and violence.

Fast forward to the new testament when Matthew chronicles the genealogy of Christ. Matthew 1:6 logs,^“and Jesse the father of King David. David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife”. Centuries later it is recorded that Solomon was the product of adultery. Bathsheba’s name isn’t even mentioned as his mother because she rightfully belonged to someone else and we are reminded of this fact by her husband’s name appearing instead.

In summary, David Cherrie wants to gloss over his adultery and believe it is okay; that God will turn a blind eye. It is not acceptable in the eyes of God nor in the eyes of the majority of people who know what he did. David Cherrie may very well be the modern day King David. God certainly blessed him with everything he wanted and yet his ingratitude, greed, selfishness and lust led him away from God. There has never been any repentance by David Cherrie. I wonder what agonizing consequences will continue to follow David and Janice as a result of their adultery. Like it took the prophet Nathan to show King David who he really is especially in the eyes of God, it may take the comments of other people on this blog to be prophets in David Cherrie’s life by sharing their stories about the hurt of adultery and by continuing to comment on posts with their insights and truths. David and Janice are reading it. Maybe one day they will actually see themselves as they really are and take responsibility for their actions. Even if they don’t, it is recorded here for history.

*Thank you Wayne Jackson for helping me to easily summarize the consequences of David’s sin from the Christian Courier in your article, “Does the Case of David and Bathsheba Justify Adultery Today?”

^“

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, God, loss, Security, separation

Lacking

Two of my single, male friends spoke to me recently about their concern that I have “nothing” to my name. They are both 4 and 5 years older than I am. One has never been married nor had children, has a $800,000 house fully paid and operates his own business. I am guessing he has some pension money from his previous employment as well as retirement savings. The other has lost a lot financially through the divorce process, has 2 children, no consistent employment, and has medical issues that interfere with his earning potential. He relies on his father’s generosity and his financial plan is an inheritance. They both have entirely different financial situations and yet they both feel secure in their financial future and they both consider themselves better off than me.

Financial security was one of my biggest losses as a result of divorce and this loss terrified me the most. When you have an ex who has already “moved on” before you are aware that divorce is even a possibility let alone a reality there is no time to weigh out and consider options. You are behind the eight ball and all you can do is act to make the right decisions to protect you and your children.

Ellen DeGeneres said in a recent interview about the cost of publicly declaring she was gay on her sitcom: “It was hard but it was great because I lost my career for 3 years, I lost my money, I lost everything and I got to be stripped down of everything and start all over again. It was a wonderful gift to be able to start all over again and to realize I was strong enough and talented enough to come back…To lose it all and start over again, that was a good thing. I’m just saying it is all right now. It wasn’t at the time. It was horrible at the time.”

I feel as though I have gained in other respects. I have no mortgage and I have no debt. I don’t have a home that I have to maintain with things that require repair or replacement. I don’t have property taxes. I have eliminated some of the bills that I had to worry about before like hydro, gas, water/sewage and garbage pick up as those utilities are included in my rent. My insurance costs have dropped. I no longer have as many time consuming chores. I don’t have grass to water and cut, weeds to pull, bushes to trim, outside windows to clean, or as much space to clean inside.

At this point. I do have children and pets to consider, but if I chose, I am able to go where ever I want to go and do whatever I want to do. If I want to move, I can, very easily with little expense. Possessions to me now are only anchors. It is my goal to rid myself of anything that doesn’t hold significant meaning or bring me great joy. Minimalism, lightness, and space is my new goal.

Financial security can be a trap. It, like my marriage, can be an illusion of something that only exists in your mind or on paper. Any security I felt in my marriage and with my financial stability was false. One decision out of your control or even a poor decision within your control, a disaster, or country and world problems can leave you with nothing. The more you think you have, the more you feel the loss and the harder it is to recover.

The two friends who spoke to me are stuck staying in jobs they don’t love. One laments of the win fall financial position he would be in if he were still married yet he was miserable and unloved. Both my friends are tied to the cities they currently reside likely until they die. I have an opportunity now to really determine what I want, where I want to be, and what will bring me joy. I moved here for my husband. I have zero regrets but now I get to live for me.

I believe that everything I have is a gift from God. If he wants me to have less, I will have less. If he wants me to have more, I will have more. I am grateful for all he has given me and all that I do have right now. I am excited, though, to see what God has in store for me. There has been great change in my life and I believe there is a reason behind it. I am preparing for wherever he wants to take me next. I plan to be ready.

I have an abundance of what really matters to me in life. My children are healthy and doing well. I am healthy and doing well. I have a body that is nourished, strong, pain free and mobile. I feel safe. I have a well of friends and family who I can draw from on a daily basis. I am able to give to the food bank, to charities, and donate items and my time and resources to help others. I feel joyful and happy despite my circumstances. I laugh all the time. I have hope. I have options.

There are great lessons to be learned from my experience. Ellen Degeneres, in the same interview as above also said, ” Unfortunately, the bad things are the greatest teachers and you have to be grateful for them.” I am more mindful and live in the moment. What my future looked like in my mind before is completely different. I can’t even picture my future anymore and that is maybe one lesson. What I saw before never existed. Maybe even limiting. My future is a blank space. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have a future. I can still hope and dream. It only means that all that matters and is real is right now.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

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