adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, faith, God, infidelity

I Just Saw Ugly

I saw my ex last Sunday because our daughter had a dance competition.  We sat on opposite sides of the theatre but stood with our daughter together when she was finished performing.

I looked at him while he was talking to her.  There is nothing remotely attractive to me about my ex.  He was dressed very nicely, all new clothes to me, but the expression about putting lipstick on a pig popped into my head. He is still a pig.

What was attractive to me previously about my ex was the fact that he was my husband.  We were partners. He was committed to God, to me and to our children and I trusted that with those priorities my kids and I were well loved.  I was committed to him and those same things and I never wavered in my attempt to be the giving, supportive and loving wife. I sacrificed for his career and to care for our children but I have no regrets because that was the best thing for our family.  We had built a life together that I was very grateful we had and I had no reason to believe any of those priorities had changed for him.  I thought we continued to have the same hopes and dreams and purpose.

What makes him particularly ugly to me now is way beyond him having an affair. It is how he has treated me and my children and even God since then.  It is one thing to be someone who never had a relationship with God, but it is completely another thing for someone to have known God, committed his life to God and thanked God for everything God gave him and then to suddenly throw it all back in God’s face saying it wasn’t good enough.  He is completely unrepentant. He is also ugly to me now in the way he continues to not take responsibility for his share of support and agreements he made in mediation.  The distrust and failure to keep his word makes me scrunch my nose and turn my mouth up in distaste. He is especially awful to look at because he just missed seeing our daughter on the Sunday and Wednesday he was “scheduled” to see her because he was away and yet even though he returned, he never tried to see her outside of his next scheduled visit.  Even when he picked her up at 6:30 p.m. this Wednesday she was home before 7:15 p.m. He took her to Subway and then dropped her off.  He doesn’t have a deep, personal connection or relationship with our daughter and doesn’t seem to care to have that. I was attracted to a man who knew his children, did things with his kids and for his kids, a man who joined in and participated in quality and quantity time with them and made it special.  I was attracted to a man who prayed and had a spiritual view and offered sound counsel to others including me and our children. My older daughter is going through a huge amount of difficulty right now and my ex’s response is basically, “She is 19, she needs to deal with it.” Our child needs financial, legal and a lot of emotional support, encouragement, as well as strong and sound advice right now but he has nothing to give.

It is interesting to me that the origin of the word “ugly” comes from words that mean ‘dreadful’, ‘fearful’, ‘apprehension’, ‘ill-tempered’. and ‘strife’. It is the root sense of ‘hate’ and ‘sorrow’ and the extended sense of ‘morally offensive’.    It is his attitude that oozes out from within and emotes a negative energy that makes him “frightful or horrible in appearance” to me. I have never in my life criticized his physical appearance in any way.  He has acne scars, large ears and a big head.  I never saw those things.  It is his hardened and cold heart that turns him into a grotesque figure.

There is not a single ounce of desire for this person who I simply no longer recognize as the man with who I once shared a life.




12 thoughts on “I Just Saw Ugly

  1. Oh you see him with revealed eyes. Your vision is piercing right through to his heart. Wow…so well written. And so deeply sad – for him. I wish for healing and vision and beauty for you and your babies. Big HUGS.

  2. seamus says:

    Wow… Slow mo train wreck.
    I stumbled upon your blog whilst looking for amicable ways to settle a divorce. No infidelity in ours though.

    From the other side of the world (Australia) I am in awe.
    I couldn’t stop reading… omg… when will this end… how will it end… will it end???

    Whilst your dedication is commendable it stops there…

    Your husband is despicable in so many ways but you… My mind is blown…
    Your intent, execution and its implications are so so so negative.

    Such hypocrisy, immaturity, hate, jealousy, self loathing and did I say hypocrisy! You say your religious?? I’d say you pick and choose what tenants of Christianity you follow the same as reading between the lines tells me you have also censored here.

    You have not had the best circumstances but my god I don’t think you have done any favours for your self.

    Your therapy/revenge (the blog) could have so many implications in your children’s lives. I would be ashamed to have peers read this if it were from my mother. Even more so… even if I were to fall for someone i thought was so special (you), I would run a mile after reading this.

    Your hubby was the instigator but you set the scene for the rest of your life and so sadly… for your girls lives. By publishing this You haven’t stolen from him a salvagable relationship with his daughters… you have stolen a father from them and they don’t even know it. Oh yes you will say that he did this… believe me you have made it worse times over.

    Zero moral high ground available to you.

    For your daughters sake go private… stop letting these feeders live off your mistakes(me included).

    You’r set for failure. Do yourself a favour… read some peer reviewed discussions on the affect of divorce on children… not just as adolescents but as the become older people also… jeez just google the damage your selfish ‘therapy’ is doing not only to them but to you.

    Truly Sincerely…

    • Thank you for your comments and insight.

      Firstly, I understand the devastating effects of divorce and more so the devastating effect that one parent having an affair has on children. I am with my children as they live through it and what they have worse than me is that their dad expects them to see ‘the other woman’ and forge a relationship with her. It is a form of child abuse. I am the parent who stayed with them and went through losing our family security with them. We have shared the same fears and sadness and loss. Just because I share my experience here doesn’t mean I share that experience with them verbally except for what we are going through together. I share when appropriate to be relatable and real with them. I vent here, not to my children. My kids have never read my blog and I don’t see why they ever would. They already know what their dad has put me and them through. Why would they want to read my personal emotions about it even if they knew it existed. They don’t want to re-live it. I would never pick up anyone’s personal diary and read it, especially my parents.

      If you can learn from my mistakes then there is benefit to me sharing my story.

      My ex is responsible for his own relationship with his girls. He can see them whenever he wants and do whatever he wants with them. They have their personal cell phones so he doesn’t need to go through me to have a relationship with them. My girls want that more than anything. I fought for the first two years for him to see them regularly. I had to let that go. He has to try to salvage his own relationship with them. That is all on him. At least he has been fairly consistent the last year seeing our younger daughter once/week and usually a bit of time each day every other weekend. He also surprised me by not only picking up our younger daughter twice to help me out with a schedule conflict this year but still saw her the next day for his regular time.

      He blew it with my younger daughter shortly after he left and she has never stayed at his place since. When he broke her trust with the affair and leaving she was willing to still see him but when he broke it again by leaving her at his place while he went out to party she put up her own boundary and told me that she will never go to his place for overnight again. I would never put her in a position where she is scared. That is on him, not on me. That was her choice after that, not mine. Do you not think it would have been nice for me to have at least one weekend to myself in the last 4 plus years? My kids know which parent puts them first every time and that has nothing to do with me sabotaging any relationship with their dad. That has to do with me taking care of their needs above my own and always being there for them especially when their dad was not.

      I’ve never censored anything on my blog. I started to when my ex and his friends were bombarding it with extremely vulgar things and then I just let them post. It gave people an idea of what I have to deal with. My blog has never been about revenge. It is simply sharing my story and my truth. It is less revealing now that I know my ex, the other woman and his friends all have access and that they have no problem posting my name so that my children can be identified. My closest friends do not know this blog exists. It is for me only. Why would my children’s friends know anything about this blog or care to read it? I don’t understand how you think I “stole a father from them”. Maybe you can save that comment and direct it to the ‘other woman’.

      If anyone who falls for me reads my divorce story and runs then they aren’t the person for me. This is just one aspect of my life and a short snippet out of 50 years of living. If I knew someone I was dating had a blog about his divorce I would have no desire to read it. Why would I bring that past relationship into my new relationship with him? If he chose to share certain things that would be his choice but I wouldn’t seek it out or want to know anything more. Hopefully someone I am serious about would see this for what it is and learn that I am not a betrayer, I am a parent that stays and puts my kids first, I sacrifice for my kids, I have suffered great loss, this was the most painful time of my life, I am resilient and I rebuild. If he were to talk to people in my life who have actually been with me through this journey the one thing they would tell my new relationship is that despite everything I have been through I am consistently joyful, faithful, loving and hopeful. That is the one comment that I hear repeatedly, “How can you be so (upbeat, happy, optimistic–etc–each person uses a different word with similar sentiment) all the time with everything going on in your life.” It is not fake, it is genuine. That is what my new relationship would see and if they read everything I have been through at the hands of my ex they might just think I was a great catch.

      As far as religion goes I like what the bible says in James1:27: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their stress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” I love God, believe in Jesus’ sacrifice for me and try to live my life guided by the spirit. I am human and feel all human emotions and fall short all the time. It is only because of my relationship with God that I am able to do as well as I have done with so much loss and the hateful treatment from my ex. I believe in his plan and that he is working everything out in my life for my good and my benefit. I see God working in my life and coming to my rescue so many times and I have learned a lot of spiritual lessons that I would not have learned without going through the last 4 years. God is the only real thing in this world that I trust and can put my hope in.

      Since you were looking for ways to have an amicable divorce my advice is this: Don’t betray your spouse. If you owe support pay it and be generous about it. Do whatever you can to allow your children to stay in their home. Offer to help out at the home or wherever for the benefit of your children. If a heavy burden lies on one parent, it effects your kids so do what you can to lighten that burden. If you make an agreement, especially a legal one, pay what you agreed to pay. Don’t waste your family money on legal expenses if you can avoid it. Always put your children first above your own life. Be kind to your ex and continue to co-parent–go to parent/teacher meetings, go to your kids’ activities, meet their friends, see them more than once/week. Be involved in their life daily. If your kids want both parents at something–their birthday dinner, taking them to university, their graduation, etc. do that for them so they don’t feel resentful for being placed in the middle.

      I wish you peace.

    • yo says:

      Hey “Truly Sincerely”, hows the view from up there? You know, from your perch on that judgemental High Horse of smug superiority? You need to get over yourself honey. If Scornedwife ever crawls into the deepest pit, she will still ne on higher moral ground than that turd she was married to. Go play with some kangaroos.

  3. Moi says:

    Parents who leave their chidren are often considered part of the cluster b group. It is one thing to throwaway away a spouse, as horrible as that is, but to abandoned children smacks of narcissism and possibly sociopathy. I have no idea if your husband has any psych eval but people who abandoned children. Deserve a special place in hell.

  4. Well written. And, you’re right. It’s more than him having an affair. It’s about how a person treats his spouse or children and about shirking responsibility. And, thank god, your daughters have you.

  5. Moi says:

    Because she has stopped writing I guess there is a court order in place. I do not know Canadian law but the internet and the amount of info on it is becoming an issue. No one knows what rights they have, or what responsibilities they have.

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