Category Archives: infidelity

adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, infidelity, parenting after separation, rejection, selfishness, separation, single parent

Dad/Daughter Time and the Other Woman?

When my ex and I lived together, in marriage, with our 2 children, we enjoyed a variety of family activities every week. We also recognized that it was important for us, within that week, to have one-on-one time with each other, no kids. As well, we both agreed that within that week, it was important for both of us to spend individual time with each of our daughters, “dates”, separately. That personal relationship with each of our children was so important and foundational for building our individual relationships with them.

So why is it that my ex saw the value of spending one-on-one time with each of his daughters when he lived with them and he saw them every day but cannot spend time alone with them now when he sees them at best once/week? When that time is so little, why does Janice Andrews feel the need to inject herself in the midst of their relationship especially when it is the only time that my daughter has to see her dad (his choice, not hers)?

Lately, if my daughter does see her dad, it is to go for a walk. Three weeks ago she told me she was meeting her dad at 1 pm. I was shocked when she walked back through the door and it was 1:37 pm. I asked if her dad bailed on her but she said, “No, he came.” And then she asked me if we could go to Starbucks. I commented, “Well that was a pretty quick walk. Why didn’t you ask dad to go to Starbucks?” She had no answer. And of course I took her to Starbucks.

Her dad doesn’t even come and pick her up for their date. Our house is on the way to the beach where they walk. If Covid is the excuse they can each wear masks in his vehicle and even roll down the window. It is a short drive down the street. My daughter drives to meet him and he had her doing this as soon as she got her license which was pre-covid. I asked if he wears his mask when they walk together and she said that he doesn’t but Janice does because she has compromised health. So why does Janice Andrews even bother to go?

This women has proven time and time again that she is nothing but incredibly selfish and self-centered. She has no children so maybe she is just clueless. Maybe she is jealous; maybe she is insecure. Who knows? This is a woman who pursued a married man with kids, had no problem tearing apart a family, and invited my ex back to her house while her husband was away and slept with him in their bed. She is morally inept. I don’t know if she is amoral or immoral but this woman is base. I am guessing she celebrated Valentine’s Day with her husband in 2013 because mine celebrated with me, even though they also celebrated together on that weekend. She went to a Valentine’s dinner with my husband who gave her a gift that she asked him to exchange because she wanted a different, more expensive, Pandora charm than the one he gave her. So yep, this is a woman who cannot allow a dad a half hour walk with his daughter without creeping along beside them because some how it has to do with her.

My ex didn’t see my daughter for another 2 weeks. On the third week they walked again, exact same scenario, same place, same time, same masked Janice towing along, and my daughter was home at 2:00 p.m. If I hadn’t been heading out the door, I would have gone to Starbucks again with her because I feel like the time she spends with her dad and Janice just leaves her empty.

I have dated men with children and men that actually live with their kids or at least have them one week on and one week off. A man who does not have a relationship with his children is a huge red flag for me. I have never interfered with any activities that these dads and their kids were doing together. As as matter of fact, of these men, I have only been involved with the minor child of one. When I was dating a man who lived with his daughter I would go to their place and sometimes have dinner with them. The daughter came to my place at least once because she wanted to ask me if I would look after her cats for a couple of days. I helped them with a garage sale. I went with her dad to see where she worked as he was dropping off lunch for her (she gave me a tour) and I went with her dad to cheer her on at one sporting event, and that was it over a 2-year period. He got plenty of one-on-one time with his daughter, I never made it about me, and he saw her every day.

It could very well be that my ex knows he has been a shit dad and is just putting his time card in the slot to check off that he saw his kid, in case someone asks. It is a superficial relationship at best that he has single handedly destroyed with betrayal, maltreatment, callousness and neglect. He does not know his daughter and maybe it is extremely awkward and uncomfortable for him to be alone with her. Or maybe he and Janice have great plans on Sunday and have places to go before and after he checks off “dad stuff”. Janice certainly couldn’t just drive herself to meet him afterwards. It is okay for my daughter to have to do that but not for Janice.

Regardless, it is always now just about him; just about them. Mr. Dolittle with his masked Ms. Didenough.

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, loss, marriage breakdown, yoga

The Never Not Broken Goddess

My friend, Amy, shared this with me:

“I want to introduce you to one of the most badass goddesses out there. She’s lesser known, but quite honestly I believe it’s because she is the most feared, for she actually rides fear itself, firmly on the back of a fierce crocodile. Her name?

Akhilandesvari: The Never Not Broken Goddess

You know those moments when we have felt/feel like we are falling apart? When what we have known seems to be coming apart at the seams, we have little to no comfort, and we are nothing but a crumpled mess on the floor?

Yes, we all do.

And Akhilandesvari teaches us that in these moments, we are more powerful than we’ve ever been.

Akhilandesvari lives for the breaking apart. She derives her power from being broken, in flux, pulling herself apart, living in different constant selves at the same time, from never becoming a whole that has limitations.

This broken is not one of weakness or terror. This broken is the kind that tears apart all the stuff that gets us stuck in toxic routines, repeating the same relationships or habits over and over, rather than diving into the scary process of trying something new and unfathomable.

When we break apart, Akhilandesvari cheers, because she says now we get to make a choice. Your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are in flux, you are changing, you are flowing in a new way and this is an incredibly powerful opportunity to CHOOSE how you want to put yourself back together as YOU would like to.

Oh yes, and she does all that before she heads to the river and selects her ride: the crocodile.

Crocodiles represent our reptilian brain, where we feel fear. And their predatory power is that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river and spin it until it is beyond disoriented.

By riding on this spinning, predatory, fearsome creature, Akhilandesvari refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. She rides on it. She gets on this animal that lives inside the river, inside the flow, and uses its power to navigate the waters and waves.”

So if things seem scary right now because life is going in the complete opposite direction to what seemed expected, and you find yourself having to do things you never thought you would have to do, that is perfect for someone like Akhilandesvari.

Amy told me to harness that and ride it. And if it doesn’t work, perfect, break apart and put yourself back together again as many times as you like.

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adultery, cheating, divorce, infidelity, Male abuse of power and wealth, moving on, other woman

40-Day Sadhana Practice

I am participating in a Sadhana challenge. This is a daily spiritual practice to support clarity on my San Kalpa (personal intention) and align my actions with my deepest and truest dreams and desires. A friend of mine is giving me direction and guidance that I can harness any way that I like. I will share more about the practice and if anyone would like to follow I would be so interested to hear about your experience.

Today I didn’t even look at the direction until 6 pm. I spent the day helping a friend pack for a big move. It was my 3rd 7-hour day at his place over the Christmas break. When we sat down to eat dinner I saw that the title of today’s practice was “Pleasure, Presence, and Purpose.”

With respect to Purpose I was asked to notice what I feel when I move with a sense of purpose. What does it look like? Is it a feeling, is it how people respond to me? Is it engaging in a project that feels in line with a sense of who I am in the world? Just notice.

Volunteering and serving others is a huge part of my purpose. It is a part of who I am; it is what I do on a regular basis.

With respect to Pleasure the direction was to engage in something pleasurable today. After standing, bending and lifting for 7 hours it felt so good to sit down. I noticed how my muscles craved to be stretched. I mentioned to my friend that it had been 9 months since I soaked in a hot tub and I really missed it. Then I commented that I haven’t even had a bath in about 6 months. I decided that was what I was going to do for pleasure. But when I got home I felt too tired to even bother. I put away some Christmas decorations and thought about just going to bed when I found a pile of mail that I had set aside and forgot about. It was a month old. I opened one envelope. It was from my sister and was fat so I thought it was photos. I was shocked to open it up and find a package of bubble bath. She put a note on it with my name “Enjoy a day in the bath”. I immediately left the other mail, ran a bath with the packet from my sister, lit a candle and stayed there for a good hour. When I was finished I opened the box of my favourite chocolate that my daughter gave me for Christmas and ate 4 pieces enjoying it thoroughly.

With respect to Presence the direction was to simply take 10 minutes to notice–sensations, sounds, feelings, thoughts staying fully aware of what happens in that time. I did that in the bathtub. I was in awe of how my practice today was supported by surrendering to things unfolding. I thought of other very specific times in my life that the universe made it entirely clear to me what my next decision, action or step needed to be. I am very excited for what awaits me as I move forward into 2021.

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adultery, breach of contract, cheating, child support, infidelity, legal proceedings, separation, Supreme Court of British Columbia

Court Settlement Agreement–$155,000

Shocker!  My ex showed up at court.  He has never attended a hearing for any court application that I have had to file due to his breach of contract.  There were two hearings in 2016 and this was the 4th hearing for the application that I filed in December 2018.  He never attended any of them. When I saw him, my heart started beating out of my chest.  I thought, “What tricks are he and his lawyer up to this time?”

For about 2 1/2 hours he had to sit and listen to how his behaviour was “egregious” and “inappropriate”.  After our last hearing in October 2019, the judge ordered him to pay the child support amount he owed after filing his 2018 taxes. He did not comply.   He never did provide an accounting of what happened to the RESP money for our children.  He never provided any banking information about his rental property, just receipts showing maintenance that was required on the property.  He tried to show losses but failed to provide an accounting for any rental income. He listed the value of his share of the rental property as $40,000 yet he conveniently sold it to a business partner, the day after our January 2019 hearing, for just $4,500.  He also failed to provide documentation surrounding other income he received during his employment.

His lawyer had no submissions.  His lawyer didn’t have much of a defense for my ex’s behaviour except to say that he could have done better with his accounting and that he knew he owed me support payments and had no problem with my lawyer’s numbers.  Yet, he chose not to pay the arrears.  He could have made a “Without Prejudice” payment as far back as December 2018 when he acknowledged his income increased significantly.

Instead, his lawyer tried to discredit my character by saying that my 2019 tax return failed to show all of the support that I received in 2019.  My ex didn’t even show up to court with a completed 2019 tax return (despite the reason we are at court is that he failed to exchange tax information with me, as per our agreement,  for 3 years, now 4 years, knowing his income increased every year) and yet they are picking apart mine, an area that does not even affect anything that my ex owes?

I could see my lawyer’s frustration and she explained to my ex’s lawyer and the judge that I have no idea what the actual support amount should be because my ex failed to provide the information for it to be calculated. The judge agreed and indicated that it is between me and my accountant and is irrelevant.

At the time I filed my taxes, I had no idea what the support amounts were as my ex hadn’t completed a tax return for 2016, 2017 and 2018.  The judge was not able to rule on spousal support owing until my ex provided the accounting he had requested which he did not.  The judge ordered my ex increase support payments to me by paying $8000/month until spousal support could be calculated.  My ex couldn’t even manage to obey that order for an entire year and arbitrarily decided to reduce the payment by $800/month just in time for Xmas,  I filed my taxes with a support amount as per our last court order. If he is ordered to pay more for subsequent years then there is a specific CRA form my ex is required to complete. I have to submit that and have my taxes recalculated for all of the years so that I am not unfairly penalized in the tax year I receive an arrears lump sum amount.

The judge mentioned three ways he could award me and penalize my ex for his conduct.  He mentioned applying interest to the outstanding support payment.  He mentioned not allowing my ex to receive the tax deduction for spousal support and not requiring me to have to claim the lump sum spousal support figure as taxable income.  He also mentioned my ex having to pay my legal expenses.

Just before the lunch break, the judge did ask us to try to settle the matter because he said that he did not believe the court could grant me the justice I probably deserved.  I learned afterwards that it was unlikely that I would be awarded all three things discussed because the judge would not want to leave it open for my ex to appeal.  If it was deemed to be too punitive towards my ex, he may have a case.

My ex offered to pay the full amount of arrears for spousal and child support for our younger daughter only–$125,782 for spousal and $4016 for our daughter and special expenses of $1716.  (The judge had already ordered him to pay the outstanding child support for our younger daughter in the order received in July 2019, which was about $17,000 and he had been paying me around $5000/month more for  the 12 months after our first appearance for the December 2018 court application and then $4200/month more for the last 6 months).  If he had not made any increases, and he only did because I filed the court application, arrears would have been significantly higher. He also agreed to pay $23,486 towards my costs.

Having him acknowledge he owed me costs was important and is reflected in the order so if we have to go back to court again it shows that my ex agreed his conduct was improper.

My lawyer felt that I would receive more if I left it with the judge but last time it took 6 months for a decision and it has never been my intention to punish my ex, no matter how deserving.  Practicing mercy is good for me and even though I thought it might soften his heart and that he might show some humility and appreciation, his actions following this have shown there has been no change in his attitude.  He is digging his heels in further and it is highly likely we will be back in court again.

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, cheating, ego, infidelity, unfaithfulness

Coco the Cat Came Back!

I was on my way to get something out of my bedside table when I saw a little face peering in my window.  I noticed the coloring and saw that she was standing on her hind legs trying to look inside. Coco?  The long hair, her tail…I scanned her and was obviously squealing in delight. It was her! Coco!  I yelled for my daughter who was all ready on her way to my room hearing my excitement.  She told me to calm down that I was so loud. I ran passed her to go to the patio and the little cat came right to me.  I scooped her up, squeezing her and telling her how happy I was to see her. My youngest daughter had followed me outside and we were both loving up on her.  I brought her downstairs to see my oldest daughter who bolted up in her bed when I told her who was in my arms.  I called the owner to make sure she knew she was back. She was gone almost a month.

I was so certain that Coco was dead. I envisioned many scenarios of harm befalling this poor sweet animal.  I relived the horrible sound that jolted me from sleep; the sound of something being killed. I spent days trying to recollect the day that happened. I went over texts to people who I thought that maybe I shared that with to see if there was a timeline that could correlate to Coco’s disappearance.  I shed many tears. I looked for her every day; out my windows, going to my car, driving home.  I prayed but I confessed to God my lack of faith that she was alive.

This situation is a perfect representation of what Eckhart Tolle talks about in A New Earth.

The voice in my head, a thought, created a situation out of my perceptions and emotions that was not true. I was simply observing possible facts: outdoor cat, busy street, fast cars, heavy vehicles, eagles nesting over our houses, cougars, racoons, worry I already had had about her safety, etc.

I was angry with my neighbour, “How could she just let Coco roam around in a dangerous environment. How could she think her cat is too heavy for an eagle to pick up?”

I judged the owner, “I have cats and I would not let them roam the neighbourhood. It is irresponsible.”

I personalized the cat’s disappearance.

Eckhart says, “Every ego confuses opinions and viewpoints with facts. Furthermore, it cannot tell the difference between an event and its reaction to that event.  Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation. Only through awareness–not through thinking–can you differentiate between fact and opinion.  Only through awareness are you able to see: There is the situation and here is the anger I feel about it, and then realize there are other ways of approaching the situation, other ways of seeing it and dealing with it.  Only through awareness can you see the totality of the situation or person instead of adopting one limited perspective.”

For the most part, I consider myself aware. After Coco’s disappearance but before she returned, I felt compassion for Coco’s owner.  She put flyers up everywhere and handed them out to each home on our street and in the  large subdivision located behind our houses.  She is a nurse who works long shifts, day and night, and she lives alone in a tiny basement suite.  Of course she loved Coco and didn’t want to leave her inside, alone, for hours on end.  Coco was the neighbourhood cat. She would sleep in another neighbour’s sunroom and in another neighbour’s tree house.  There were 2 other outdoor cats, Max and Minnie, and the 3 of them would congregate in my backyard.  The other 2 were still present. It broke my heart when I heard my neighbour out calling Coco’s name. I put on my shoes and went to her to offer support and encouragement.  I told her that my cat escaped and went on an adventure for 7 weeks before coming home. I stopped crying about it.  I also started praying and begging God to please just bring Coco home.

It is just easy sometimes to get caught up in our emotions, our stories and sometimes our perceptions are not real; they are just illusions that we created.  It can rob us from joy and turn us into compulsive thinkers. Coco’s disappearance and return was a huge light bulb reminder that I still need to check in with my ego, especially in times of stress, conflict and emotion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, cheating, desperation, infidelity, Janice Andrews

GLOW

It has been a tougher few months than normal and sadness has crept in.

I was off work for 3 weeks with my hospitalization and recovery and then laid off due to Covid 19.  My youngest daughter’s 19-day trip to Tanzania was cancelled less than 48 hours before she was set to leave.  We moved and with Covid we could not have much outside help. All of my younger daughter’s dance classes, competitions, festivals, shows, and her grade 12 graduation cancelled. School moved to online. My youngest daughter sank into a depression and I couldn’t get her out of bed.  She slept on a bare mattress and did not unpack one single moving box. They were piled around her bed practically burying her inside her room.  My older daughter was suffering her own serious illness and my ex did nothing to help us. Instead he chose to blame and sow division.

One of our unexpected joys after moving was a little cat named Coco.  She would visit and sit at our back door all the time waiting for us to come out and see her. When we got out of our car she would come running to welcome us back home. She would follow us to our car whenever we were going somewhere and she would sit on top of our car when we were home.  My youngest daughter would sit with her on our front porch or our back patio and just pat her and talk to her.  Our cats would sit at the door and wait for her to make an appearance. My older daughter even found her in our garage one night. We were concerned about eagles nesting in the trees by our house and the busy street below our property so we did worry for her.  We wouldn’t let our own cats outside.

A couple of weeks ago I woke up suddenly to a terrible cry that sounded to me like an animal being killed.  My cat sleeping with me in bed jumped to the window as well.  I didn’t see anything and went outside to see if I could help.  I thought it might have been a cat catching a baby bunny.  A week and a half later my next door neighbour left a poster on our front step that 2 year old Coco was missing.  I burst into tears and so did my older daughter.

There was also the typical angst with my ex who would not provide details of my younger daughter’s RESP. I has having to put money out to accept her offer to attend university and to apply for residence.  He refused to provide any details of how much money was in her account. He would not forward payment for his share of any of the school expenses I was incurring and told me to take it out of child support. It appeared as though he had not only withdrawn all of her RESP money 5 years prior to the fund maturing but that as a result of him doing that we incurred penalties that involved losing the government grant money and all of the interest accumulated from day one. It also appeared by his responses to my inquiry that he had spent whatever was left. There was no money for my daughter to go to university.

The George Floyd killing was the final straw.  I could not stop crying.

In my grief, I contacted one of my favourite friends for help. He has been in the entertainment business since he was 18. He lived in Hollywood for years. He had his own business, wrote a screenplay, directed, produced and was cast in his own movie that was nominated for several awards.  His film won “best documentary” at 3 film festivals as well as the Orson Welles Award.  We reconnected 2 years ago and have had some very memorable dates including one that ended at the house of David Foster’s first wife. Prior to Covid our dates centred around trying to watch all the Oscar nominated movies. He knows me, knows my situation, knows what I like and he knows entertainment.  I needed a Netflix series to escape and his immediate recommendation for me was ‘Glow’–Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

Season One, Episode 3: The Wrath of Kuntar (pronounced Cunter)

“Men walk in fear through these city streets for it is there you may meet me. And though I am only moderately attractive I am desperate. And there is nothing more dangerous than a desperate woman. And there is no woman more desperate than the Homewrecker.”

 

 

 

 

 

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abuse of power, child support, Family Law, infidelity, legal proceedings, Male abuse of power and wealth, special expenss, spousal support, Supreme Court of British Columbia

Apparently I am a Bar Joke

2019 ended with my ex sending an email acknowledging he owed me $117,000 in retroactive support payments but advised that his lawyer told him not to pay me unless I sign an order dismissing all outstanding matters before the court.  He also reduced his support payments to me by more than $700/month to put pressure on me to do this.

We have a mediation agreement in place that spells out exactly how he is to pay support. For 3 years he chose not to disclose his income.  I had no choice but to go to court in order for him to do this.  That forced him to disclose 2 years of income information and to file his taxes for the 3rd year of income. He still failed, however, to disclose all sources of income as per the agreement so the judge gave him an additional 60 days to do that.  He did not.  Now we have to secure another court date.  It is clear from what has been disclosed that he at least owes $117,000 but he said he isn’t going to pay voluntarily.  He will wait for the judge to order that.

This is not a negotiable issue. We have an agreement in place since 2014 but as usual, even though he gloated about how much he “won” in that agreement, he still wants to play games and withhold support as a power and control move over me. His response:

“You’ve become a bar joke Robyn. People always have a horror story about divorce and the crazy ex’s and what they have to pay in support. No one can top me. I tell people to read the blog so they can see what type of person I’m dealing with. I tell people how much I pay in support and they are flabbergasted at what you do. That’s what you’ve become at age 53, a bar joke, and not much else.”

He’s got one thing right.  No one can top him.

He makes in excess of $225,000/year.  He won’t pay any portion of our daughter’s dance expenses even though he agreed this would be a special expense where we pay our share according to our income. He never paid a dime towards our pet expenses even though he agreed to pay 50%.  He hasn’t contributed a dime to support our daughter’s Global Perspectives trip to Tanzania where she has worked for 2 years in school to raise funds to build a library for a girls’ dorm.  He came to one meeting, signed the consent for her to go, made an appearance at one of the fundraisers (although apart from his $15/ticket he never gave any money to the cause or donated anything for the silent auction) and even though he knows exactly from the meeting the cost of the trip he still asked me twice to send over the information. (I actually have sent it at least 3 times and every time I followed up asking if he was forwarding his share of the payments to me he asked me to send the documentation again).  There are a lot of things she needs for this trip but all I asked him to contribute towards is the flight and hotel–$4800, $180 for the passport and $250 for vaccinations and malaria pills. He recognizes that the trip is considered an Extraordinary Expense under the Family Law Act for our daughter’s education and knows he is required to pay his share.  His response to me in December is that I can’t have my cake and eat it too. He wants me to sign the consent saying I won’t go after him for anything else he is responsible to pay, he will pay me the $117,000 and he will then consider paying me the trip (the expense was incurred after our court application was filed so it is not currently before the court, but we will now just add it).

If he wants to complain about what he has to pay in support, he should at least pay it. If he didn’t want to pay support, he never should have had an affair and left the marriage.  If he now spends his time sitting in bars telling his story to anyone who will listen then I suspect that 7 years after having an affair and destroying his family and everything we built together, that the grass is not so green on the other side.

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, breach of contract, Family Law, infidelity, legal proceedings, mediation, unfaithfulness

The Thanksgiving Turkey has been Served!

The Friday of our Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend, we served my ex with our court application outlining all the areas that he continues to owe me money.  They are all items that he agreed to pay in our Mediation Agreement back in November 2014. He also promised, as per the Mediation Agreement, to provide his tax information on May 1 of every year but he has not done that for the past 2 years.  Any other items are in accordance with the Family Law Act.

We just heard back from his lawyer.  They have asked that we change the date, which we agreed, and they will be providing us with their response shortly. November 22 will hopefully bring a long over-due resolution to our ongoing legal issues.

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adultery, cheating, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, infidelity, separation

Crappy email exchange to no where

My ex treats both kids the same. No favouritism for letting them down.  If it doesn’t work for him, they can forget it.  I thought because I just posted about his treatment of my youngest daughter, I would share what happened 2 weeks ago with my oldest daughter preparing for back to university.

My ex would not help move our 20 year old daughter back to Vancouver over the long weekend as he had plans but said he was going over to Vancouver the next weekend with Janice Andrews to see the Foo Fighters in concert so he could drop off her stuff then.

On Sunday night, I suggested that he come over during the next couple of days while our daughter was still here so she could give him all the boxes that she wanted sent. I was taking her to the ferry on Wednesday morning so he still had 2 full days to make plans to get them from her and Monday was a holiday so he wasn’t  working. I suggested that way he didn’t have to make any plans with me and could stick with his own schedule to get over to Vancouver plus they were calling for rain that morning.

His response:

“Thank you for the passive aggressive email (my name) where you try to dictate and control when people do and don’t do things.

….In case you may have forgotten, I’m offering to assist (older daughter) in delivering her belongings to her residence. I’m sure if you’re not around, you can leave them out front for me to pick up. You have lots of other items sitting out front that don’t seem to have any weather related issues.

I’ll be having dinner with (daughter) tomorrow and will pick the items up at that time, otherwise if that doesn’t meet with “your schedule”, you can deliver them yourself.”

Well I didn’t see his email until the next night.  It was our younger daughter who told me that afternoon that he was coming that night. Of course Wednesday night was the one night I had plans (that is the night my ex usually has dinner with my daughter so that is the only night I make plans). I told my daughter to text her dad that I could be back by 8:45 p.m. to give him the boxes but he would not wait so my younger daughter, thinking she was being helpful, put all the boxes out for him.  She realized afterwards that she had missed the 2 most important boxes that my daughter needed with her as they were upstairs and the other boxes were downstairs. She told her sister that her dad didn’t have room to take them. My older daughter was very upset so contacted her dad that she really needed those boxes.  He didn’t even know they existed so he texted my younger daughter back furious that she lied saying he didn’t have room for the boxes.  She said that she was “joking” and apologized.  He sent her the following text:

“(daughter’s name) while I appreciate you apologizing I don’t for a minute think it was a joke. You didn’t want to take responsibility for forgetting and I’m sure you did or were going to tell Mom that story which is really unfair because you know she’d be upset at me when I had no knowledge of those boxes.”

I didn’t care about any of this.  I only cared about getting the 2 main boxes to my older daughter and I was also hoping to get a Rubbermaid bin returned to me that my daughter put out by mistake.

My email that night:

“I am only seeing your email now and didn’t know you were planning on coming on Wednesday to pick up her boxes. It was the only evening this week that I was not able to be home until 8:45 p.m.  When (our daughter) told me you were getting the boxes I told her that I would be home at that time to give them to you.

There are 3 very important boxes that still need to go to (our daughter). Two have more than $300 worth of food and necessities and are open (Costco Boxes) so I don’t want to leave them on the driveway. There is another box of her belongings here as well that she wants you to take over. The only thing I have on the driveway is waterproof and if it does get wet it doesn’t matter. These items of (our daughter) in cardboard boxes will be ruined and spoiled if they get wet and I certainly don’t want anyone to take them. (Younger daughter) gave you one box by mistake. I need the Rubber Maid container that has her microwave in it. It was supposed to come out of the container. I just kept it in that so it wouldn’t get rusted outside. I have no storage space here and you refused to allow her to store anything at your place.

Also, please help her move her bed. She told me that you said, “No”. Please be helpful to her as she has asked around and can’t get anyone to help her. That is the only thing that she needs your help to move. She even offered to rent a U-Haul to get it to her place but she needs your help to move it. It is just a bed and easy to lift, certainly between the 3 of you, but she needs help to do it and needs a larger vehicle to do it.

It is your weekend with (our younger daughter) so I trust you will be taking her to dinner on Friday night since you will be gone on Saturday and Sunday. I will make sure that I will be here to give you the 3 boxes and if you can kindly return the Rubber Maid bin for me that would be very much appreciated. If you plan on bailing on (younger daughter’s name) on Friday night, too, then please come by on Saturday before you go to the ferry and I will see if I can put the groceries into smaller (bags…). They are calling for rain so I can’t leave them out before.”

Silent treatment. I sent this email in follow up:

“If you had have just extended me the courtesy of arranging a convenient time for us both to pick up (older daughter’s name) boxes I would have made sure you had the correct boxes. You have taken boxes that were not meant to go and you have left important boxes here. It is supposed to rain on Saturday so I can not leave boxes for you on the driveway and I need to take out the boxes that weren’t meant to go. I have plans on Saturday morning but obviously these boxes are imperative for(daughter) to receive so please let me know what time you can come by here on Saturday before you go to the ferries to exchange and get the correct boxes.

It is your weekend with (younger daughter) so I trust that you will be having dinner with her on Friday and we could even make the exchange then.”

I didn’t receive a response.  The next morning I had an appointment downtown.  I had no desire to go to his office but in an effort to make this easy for him I sent the following email:

“I  have an appointment downtown this morning…I will text you as I don’t have email access on my phone. If you are going to be in the office let me know and you can come down and move the items to your car. The boxes are way too heavy and big for me to take up the stairs to your office. Hopefully you will have my Rubber Maid container as well to give me.”

His Response:

“(my name)

I’m not getting caught up in the ridiculousness of your last 3 emails.

I told you I was coming Wednesday to pick up the belongings. I work full time, I don’t have the luxury of going to Sidney and spending an hour out of my day to run around because you messed up what is or is not to go over to (older daughter).

There were boxes that were neatly set up on the driveway when I got there last night. I packed all of those boxes in my vehicle. If you put out the wrong boxes, or failed to put out others you wanted to go that is your issue. I have no more space. I do not have the time to drive to Sidney nor do I have the time to deal with you today on this issue. I’m headed out to Metchosin and will be on the Westshore the majority of the day. I’m in a golf tournament tomorrow, the same brokers tournament I’ve been in for the last ten years so I do not have time tomorrow. As well, (younger daughter) has known for several weeks that we aren’t getting together because of that.

I’m on the 9am ferry on Saturday. If (older daughter) doesn’t have what she needs, I will take her shopping or give her money to do so. It’s not the end of the world. She can get these things either next time she is over, or (boyfriend) can take things over in his vehicle as I’m sure he will go over and see her at some point. Or maybe you’ll feel the need to see where your daughter lives and go yourself.

So save your time and don’t contact me about this again.

Just a reminder, you’ve been blocked from my phone for well over a year so your texts will not be received.”

Now this is where I thought his response was odd.  He knows that our younger daughter put the boxes out, not me.  He sent her a text prior to this email admonishing her for forgetting to put out some boxes and then lying and telling our daughter her dad just didn’t take them because he didn’t have room when he instead he just didn’t know they were there.  Now he is saying he doesn’t have room to take them and thinks I put them out and made the error?

My response:

“(his name)

I didn’t put any boxes out. I did NOT know you were coming. I was not here at all during the day and just got home last night at 8:45 p.m. When (youngest daughter) texted me that you were coming I told her to tell you that I couldn’t be back until 8:45 p.m. She obviously took it upon herself to try and put (older daughter’s) things out but she forgot some items and gave you my rubber maid bin by mistake. I didn’t know you weren’t seeing (younger daughter) on Friday either. She doesn’t tell me anything about whether you bail on her or not anymore. It is old news. I only know when I have to drive her or pick her up because you made alternative plans.

This is a huge waste of money if you don’t take the food that she wants to take over to Vancouver and a waste of time for her to have to go and try to replace it. Some items are refrigerator items. She needs her bedding and the things in her printer box. You might have money to waste but I do not. I can’t afford to go over to Vancouver and spend $200 in travel expenses to take her $200 in food. (Plus I have to arrange for someone to let the dog out when I am gone all day) You are going over so please come and get her things. I highly doubt your vehicle is full and can’t take a few more things. You can take the items out of the boxes.

(Daughter’s roommate’s) dad drove up from Seattle to move her into (older daughter’s) place last minute. They took 5 trips to bring her stuff back and forth. You aren’t going out of your way at all to stop by here on the way to the ferry and you are acting like you have to drive across the country.

You can use blocking me on your phone as an excuse all you want. It only shows the judge that you will do anything you can to avoid being needed for something for your kids or having to do something.”
I contacted my older daughter to give her a head’s up that it did not look like her dad was going to bring all of her things to her, especially the items she needed the most. I then emailed my ex with her reaction and response:

“(our daughter) is very upset you can’t stop by my place first to get the things she very much needs and wants. (Her boyfriend) never takes his car over as it is too expensive. These are not things she can carry on the ferry back with her either.”

His Response and this is when it becomes clear this is more about trying to punish me than it is about doing anything for our daughter:

“I’m not playing this game with you. As stated, I’m not coming to your house. I’m not going to have anything to do with someone who is actively and continuing to make attempts to attack me by email, telephone calls, online etc. I’m not putting up with your ongoing behavior, harassment etc. I do not have room for her food end of story. Ask (youngest daughter), she saw what my vehicle looked like and I have my own personal belongings and Janice’s to take as well. It’s not my issue that you didn’t have things ready. I told you when I was coming and if you didn’t read my email or have things ready to go that isn’t my fault, that’s yours. You tried to make this difficult by demanding when I was or wasn’t going to pick things up. I have a job. I work 6 days a week and I have a life that does not include you. I’m not jumping when you demand. I have come to the house when I stated and picked up what was left for me to take. If that isn’t sufficient, you can drop off the comforter and sheets to my home and leave them at the back under the awning and I will pick them. Anything else that is left there that does not fit in my vehicle will be thrown in the garbage regardless of what it is. My home is not your dumping ground.

What (our daughter’s roommate’s) Dad did or didn’t do has nothing to do with me. I don’t have the luxury of being told the day before that (our daughter) needs to move to cancel my appointments and go to Vancouver. Rather than point the finger at me, why didn’t you take the initiative and do something about it? You don’t work, you could have easily gone to Vancouver and assisted (daughter’s name) at any time. Rather than point the finger at others and question them, take a look in the mirror and ask what you could do.”

My response:

“You are ridiculous. You chose the one day of week that I wasn’t home until 8:45 p.m. I offered to accommodate you at that time but you made (our youngest daughter) bring out boxes instead before I could be there. Now, you want me to pack up the rest of (older daughter’s) things and drive them to your place and leave them where you want and then anything else that doesn’t fit in your vehicle you are going to throw out? What kind of father are you? You have an extra bedroom at your place that you said was there in case the girls ever decide to stay at your place, with nothing in it, and you won’t even store (older daughter’s) things there? That is why I am pointing out to you what (daughter’s roommate’s) dad did. Now compare that to what you are saying you will do.

I contacted you this morning the only way you will allow, by email, and told you I was driving downtown today to an appointment. I offered to drop off the rest of (older daughter’s) stuff to you. I could have left the stuff at your place today. Then I followed up when I was on my way downtown and spoke with your secretary who said that you were in. You wouldn’t take my call so I left a voicemail and you still didn’t have the courtesy to call back and offer a solution for (daughter’s) belongings. I told you I could be here tonight and Friday night but you wont’ make an extra trip this way? You are coming right by here on your way to the ferry. Literally a 1 minute detour for you and you say I am being difficult with demands? Yes your life does not include me but it should include your girls. Unfortunately, you also seem to think that my life should include you and I should continue to jump through your hoops and wait around on your schedule.

This has NOTHING to do with me. This is for (older daughter’s name), your daughter! I have a million grievances against you. Your inability to help meet the needs of your children is just one of them and this a perfect example of your controlling behaviour that makes zero sense.”

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adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, ex spouse, infidelity, Janice Andrews, marriage, other woman, separatiion

How “The Other Woman” Thinks: Part II

I was very disappointed to learn that the wife of a couple, who my ex and I have known for about 20 years, cheated on her husband.  They have 3 kids ages 16 to 22.  Her husband had to drive to another city to find her and bring her home. They are separated and the husband lives with their youngest daughter.  The other 2 children go to college. Their son wants nothing to do with his mother and refused to celebrate Christmas with her.

What was shocking and interesting at the same time to me was that the cheating wife said that there is no one that will ever love her like her husband does and she hopes that in 3 years they can remarry. That instantly flashed me back to a May 2013 phone conversation with my ex where he said, 2 1/2 months post separation, that he would need to be gone for a year and then he would come back.  What fantasy land do these cheaters live in?

The betrayed husband of this couple had the same reaction that I did towards my ex.  He wants nothing to do with her.  And like most spouses of cheaters, he too was left to handle all the responsibilities of real life. He is still friendly with her and he pays her spousal support with no court order telling him to do so.  He also is paying for all of the children’s expenses and taking care of the full needs of their youngest daughter. His expenses are about $6000 US/month and he will not be able to maintain this but this is the sad reality of these situations.

Cheaters possess a selfish, escape from reality need to seek some instant gratifying, ego-stroking attention that leads them to a place they think they can return from when they are ready and everyone will just wait and be thrilled they are back.  They seek some band aid  cover up to whatever they are too emotionally immature to communicate or comprehend on any deep level. To me, it mimics high school infatuation where kids jump from one relationship to the next based on feelings and hormones.

So in follow up to my blog post “How the Other Woman thinks Part I” I went to Janice Andrews Twitter account to share 10 recent retweets (because she has no original thought of her own) to learn how her thinking aligns with that of a cheater.  It sounds exactly like she has the insight and life experience of a teenager where love is based in fantasy, not real life.

January 10, 2018:

“Real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.” J.S. Park

December 30, 2017: here’s your reminder list of cute things:
• you
• also you
• hey look you
• and you
• wait wait wait
• you
• you’re cute

December 3, 2017:

“I hope we last. I hope we do.

But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:

I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable – only for you though, only for you.

Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too.

If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.

Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew.”

November 20, 2017:

“Choose people who choose you.”

November 21, 2017: 

“excuse me. I just wanted. to. remind you. that. this love I have. is for you.”

November 21, 2017:

“Magic is believing in yourself. If you can do that you can make anything happen.”–Goethe

November 21, 2017:

“Just be like a child. Embrace your ignorance. Love unconditionally. And don’t take anything too seriously. Especially yourself.”

November 22, 2017:

“Don’t get stuck in what might have been. It prevents you from going after what might become.”

November 22, 2017:

“You are a warrior and these are your weapons: kindness, gentleness, patience, presence, understanding, peace, love, restraint.”

November 15, 2017: “21 ways to keep her”

  1. Text her back as soon as you see her messages
  2. Don’t lie to her
  3. Don’t let her fall asleep without telling her you love her
  4. Don’t let her fall asleep mad
  5. Don’t make stupid mistakes
  6. Call her and say you love her at least once a week
  7. Make time for her
  8. Don’t get mad at her for dumb things
  9. If you have a reason to be mad at her then talk about it and work it through
  10. Listen to her, anything she says is important
  11. Remind her of how beautiful she looks when she smiles
  12. Don’t build walls between you two
  13. Trust her enough to tell her how you really feel
  14. Make her remember she is yours every time you kiss her
  15. Show her songs, poems, anything that reminds you of her
  16. Call her baby, babe, beautiful, etc. all the time
  17. Don’t break her heart
  18. Hold her hand in public no matter who is looking
  19. Don’t take her for granted
  20. Be spontaneous when you take her out
  21. Love her with every breath of your existence

 

 

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