adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, family, friends, God, support, vacation

Family Vacation

A week after discovering my husband’s affair, I still went on our booked March break family vacation.

It was supposed to be my husband, me and our 2 girls visiting his parents in Englewood, Florida for 2 weeks and then heading up to Orlando to Disney World and Universal Studios for week number three. I was traveling with our youngest daughter for the first week and my husband and our older daughter were joining us for the last 2 weeks.  My younger daughter and I were going to visit my birth mom, step father, sister, brother-in-law and 3 nieces in Naples during our first week.

As soon as my husband learned we discovered his affair he sent me an email that read, “Cancel my flight.” My older daughter’s best friend ending up taking my ex’s place.

It turned out to be one the best vacations we ever experienced.  We had so much fun.  We did some crazy girl things we would never have done with my ex present. After the devastation my ex had just caused us we were more caring of each other, more open, honest, kinder and closer.

I felt like God was there all the way sending me little reminders of his love through friends, family, random incidents, my girls and their friend as well as my older daughter’s friend’s dad who came down and surprised us (he’s a pilot) treating us to an amazing dinner in Downtown Disney.

We also met an amazing man in the hot tub who was so kind and wonderful to all of us.  He invited us to attend events with him that we wouldn’t have known about otherwise. He took my camera and snapped random shots of me and my girls. My younger daughter was always asking to go to the pool at 9:00 p.m. for our regular rendezvous with him and watched the gate eagerly for him to arrive.  The pool caretakers allowed him to stay in the pool area after hours and to close up when he was done so it was midnight sometimes when we returned home (with our time change it was only 9:00 p.m.).  He bought lanterns for all of us one night that we lit and wished on and released to the sky.  He introduced us to his friends and we had great little parties. He made me feel desirable (although I did not attend his private invites I certainly considered it and my older daughter encouraged me to go!) We would talk for at least 2 hours every night and he gave a lot of attention to my kids. He kissed me (my daughter’s friend saw that one) and told me he thought I was the most amazing women and mother.

I also had so much support from my best friends from Ontario and it was a blessing to be able to get the support of my family and even in-laws in person at this life-changing point. It turned out that one of my best friends who just moved to Sarasota was only a 15 minute drive from my in-laws place.  We talked on the phone daily and we visited often over the 2 weeks. My other girlfriend from Ontario flew down to support me and brought her daughter to be there for my daughter.  My other best friend, who I have known literally all my life, changed her family vacation plans and drove completely out of their way with her husband and 3 kids just to give me a hug. My mother-in-law shared with me about my father-in-law’s infidelity and she told me how much she felt my pain.  She assured me she knew exactly what I was experiencing.

If this vacation had not been planned before discovering the affair I wouldn’t have gone.  It involved a lot of driving and one parent with 3 children had it’s challenges but I would not go back and change a thing.

I have since taken my children on several other mini trips and experiences.  My ex was never really interested in travelling or doing anything new.  It was always me that planned our trips and they were very detailed in nature. I made sure there were great experiences for everyone.

Now my younger daughter is enjoying what is becoming our annual camping trip.  It is simple–a tiny cabin with bunk beds.  She and her friend sleep on top and I am on the bottom.  There is a table and 2 chairs, a mini fridge and microwave and a portable electric double burner that I can cook on. The girls are happy to help out cooking, doing the dishes, sweeping out the cabin and setting and clearing the picnic table where we eat. We do a mix of nothing and lots of things including visiting friends who are vacationing in the same camp park or close by, going to a lake for the day, the ocean for a day, mini golf, driving range, outdoor movie in a close by city, local events like sand sculpture competitions, movies in a friend’s trailer, movies outside our cabin, swimming in the watering hole, water slide, playground, shopping in a nearby town, and going for ice cream. My older daughter stays home now and gets paid to look after the pets and housesit plus she has 2 other jobs this summer.

Our expensive, flying vacations may be finished due to my financial situation but I like what we are doing equally as much.  Time together building memories with some new experiences is what our family vacation has always been about. It is a core value to me and I will ensure our adventures together continue.

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, child support, children, Christianity, difficult personality, divorce, emails, family, God, legal obligations, lies

Bad Blood (band-aids don’t fix bullet holes) but who isn’t moving on ?

It is very interesting to me that my ex insists that I am not able to move on and that I am not happy. I am not sure if he really believes that or if it is wishful thinking on his part. It might be his way of trying to control my mind by telling me it isn’t true. It may just be him using this as an excuse to tell me what to do and what not to do and to criticize my behaviour.

Alternatively, it may be that he is the one who really can’t move on. He seems to really need for me to forget that he committed adultery. He wants to sweep the resulting consequences under the rug and pretend like our lives are clean and neat. He chooses to punish me because he is having difficulty accepting his legal obligations, especially financially, that are going to continue to exist to me and our children, despite him so desperately wanting to run from us and pretend we don’t exist. No evidence of past life wanted! We are still tied to him financially but that doesn’t mean we haven’t moved on with our individual lives. We are moving forward, just on different paths.

The resulting email chain started with me just trying to get him to pay me for expenses he owes me. It went from business to ugliness fast. I was hoping that he would finally give up fighting me, pay what he is required to pay not only from our mediation agreement and separation agreement (very close to being finalized) but what he knows is his responsibility to pay. If he really has moved on there would be no need for him to fight me and try to control all of my actions. He would not need to “win” and punish me. He would just accept and do.

My frustration came out when he was trying to thwart my efforts to get expenses to him for reimbursement. Then he started to criticize me with my move and not going to my daughter’s grad dinner. He sent me an email saying: “No, you couldn’t go because you completely screwed up the move. I have been gone for 2 1/2yrs. You knew the house was selling since November and it had been formally sold for 2 ½ months. You had tons of time and help and as usual you left it too late. If you wanted assistance you could have asked. In the end all (our oldest daughter’s name) will remember is her mom refused to go. Pretty sad.”

I had lots of assistance, as he is aware (not sure how he knows but he mentions it) but as per my previous post there were glitches, complications and the movers didn’t plan ahead for how much manpower was required to move me. It had nothing to do with my preparation or lack thereof. I couldn’t move any earlier. But as usual my ex wants to blame me for everything. I did ask him for help but he refused. He has always refused every single request I have made to him since we separated. He made a conscious decision to leave everything for me to do.

My response: “(oldest daughter’s name) will also remember that her dad is a cheating louse and all the things that he did and failed to do after she suspected him, before she caught him, and then after she did catch him. She will always know that her dad is a liar and cheat and continues to put his own needs over his kids’ needs. We all have our memories, (husband’s name). I choose to live in the present not the past or the future.

His response: “Oh I suspect the only one who carries that memory is you. All others have forgiven and moved on. You clearly have not by the things you continue to write and say. Someone who lives in the present wouldn’t be emailing her ex to bring up the past…..just saying…”

I can’t win. I wasn’t emailing to bring up the past. I was just making a point that we can’t control people’s memories. The night of my daughter’s grad ceremony, that I did attend, my daughter was reading the card that my younger daughter and I gave her. She commented that my younger daughter made a spelling mistake. She mentioned remembering winning a spelling bee when she was in Grade 3 and she said she remembered that I was there. I have been at everything my daughter participated in throughout her school years. I missed her grad dinner yet I still showed up as grubby as can be in my sweaty moving clothes so I could see her. Maybe that is what she will remember. Mom still made the biggest effort to be there when circumstances were preventing it from happening.

In the meantime, there is a parallel conversation going on with my ex that should have been all business. It relates to expenses I have paid on our behalf. Since my move I still haven’t found the box with my printer/scanner. I had receipts to send my ex and asked if he was in the office on Thursday so I could drop them off and so he could photocopy them and give me back the originals. Records for both of us. I have only had to go to his office once before to do this when my scanner wasn’t working.

His response: “I have a busy day. Drop them in my mail box at my place and I’ll copy them.”

My response: “No, because if they go missing I don’t have any extra receipt. I’ll take them to your office and the receptionist can copy them and leave them for you.”

His response: “NO. You don’t need to come to my office. I’ve told you before and I’ll repeat it. You are not to come here unless I ask. Otherwise my work is off limits to you. Drop in my mailbox or find another way.

My response: “Then you can pay me based on my word and then come and see the bills for confirmation if you don’t believe me. Have I ever lied to you? I told you why I won’t leave the originals. I know you. You will say you never received them and say you can’t pay me then and since I don’t have a copy I won’t be able to prove the amount to you. I told you my printer/scanner/copier is still packed away. Do you think I would want to come to your office? Do you think that is something that is even remotely comfortable for me to do? If you say I can only come when you ask then obviously there is no big deal if I come and you are just trying to control me for no reason. If you need the bill then I have every right to get you the bill so I know you receive it so you stop having excuses to not pay me. Last time you complained to the lawyers that I went to your house and I am not using (our daughter) as a go between. (Our daughter) should have the original alteration bill anyway. She picked up the dress. Did you not take her to do this?

His response: (My name) it’s not my responsibility to substantiate your expenses. (Our daughter) doesn’t have a copy of the receipt and I didn’t take her to get her dress. If you want to get paid you need to find a way to send me a copy of the receipt without coming into my office. I frankly could care less how you feel about coming here. You’re not welcome here so that is not an option for you. You have boundary issues. Always have. I respected your request for me not to enter the family home and you need to respect my wishes and not enter my home or place of employment unless I ask you too. You can go online and obtain a copy of your statement showing that payment. It’s not a difficult procedure and you can then email it to me.”

My response: “Who cares if I am welcome or not at your office. You are trying to make it difficult for me to get you the information. That is the easiest, fastest and most reliable way. If you don’t want to set a time to meet me outside so you can photocopy the receipt and give it back to me then I will leave it with your receptionist to do so. Stop making a big deal out of nothing. The only boundary issues that were an issue was you coming into the (street name) residence when no one else was in the house. At least there are witnesses at your office to support that all I am doing is dropping off expense documentation that you won’t pay otherwise. I can get someone else to go in instead of me if that will help solve the problem of me being there. People will just think the person is an insured leaving you expenses. Will that work?”

His response: “Do you have difficulty understanding my emails? You, your friends etc are not welcome here. Copy and paste your statement and email it. That is the quickest and easiest method. Stop wasting my time with these emails. You’ve been asked several times in the past not to come here so don’t. It’s a $65 invoice. I’m sure you can wait until you can copy and give to (younger daughter’s name) or deliver to my home mailbox. This isn’t a rush by any stretch of the imagination so stop.”

My response: Firstly, under no circumstance are we to give our girls items to be passed back and forth to each other. That puts them in an awkward position and is unfair and wrong. Stop putting our girls in the middle. I am not providing you with my entire bank statement. It was a credit card bill and I don’t receive those on line. The other expense was someone else picking them up on our behalf and paying with their credit card bill. They installed them and I paid them cash. There is also a fee for them to pick up and install that I forgot until right now so thank you for reminding me. I will make sure I get an invoice from them for that so you can pay your share of the $50 since you didn’t want to be responsible for ensuring any of the conditions to the home were met with any effort on your part. I get a paper copy of my credit card statements and I don’t have it yet for the grad dress and can’t copy it anyway. What are you not understanding? I am not delivering anything to you without a copy because you are untrustworthy. Stop trying to do what you can to make sure you don’t get the receipts. If you are that concerned that I or an independent body will show up at your office to get a copy of a receipt and leave it with you then pay the $65 and your share of the $83 for the smoke detectors as well as $25 for the pick up and install service fee and don’t waste more time for either of us. It may not be a big deal to you but you are not the one financing my expenses. Also, I have pet expenses to give you.”

His Response: “I gave you an option. If you don’t like it then use the options I’ve provided. If you or a representative for you comes to my office I will discuss it with your lawyer and consider a restraining order. This email exchange is very clear. You or anyone on your behalf is not to come here end of story. You can email, use regular mail. Those are your options.”

My response: “Go ahead and try to get a restraining order. I am getting you the receipts the best way that I can. I am not at your office to stalk you, harass you or to carry out any type of violence. I have even proposed someone else attending instead of me. You can’t restrain every single person who knows me from entering your office. You are acting unreasonably. You are bullying me, trying to control me and prevent me from getting you the information you need to pay me. I told you that I have no interest of going there as well and if you want to arrange a time to meet me outside we can if you need copies, otherwise, you can come to my place and view the receipts but this needs to be arranged sooner than later because I need the money.”

I attended his office. One of his partners was standing outside when I arrived. He hugged me and we had a lovely conversation. I said that I was just there to drop off something for (ex’s name) and was he in? He said that he didn’t know as he had just come back and was going to grab a bite to eat. I said it was nice to see him and went inside. I was greeted warmly by my ex’s receptionist. I asked if my ex was in and she wasn’t sure but went to check. My ex came out and whispered he wasn’t going to copy anything. I asked if he wanted me to do it or if he wanted me to ask the receptionist to do it. The receptionist returned to her desk and my ex took all the receipts and copied them.

It has been more than 1 week and I still haven’t received any reimbursement. The invoices total $197.95.

This is how it ends:

Me. “Your emails are really pissing me off. I think of you as little as possible. I don’t forgive you and never will. I want nothing to do with you ever. I can’t even stand to look at your face when I see you and you may not notice but I don’t look at you. There is nothing good about you. I have no memories of you I want to keep or care to even think about. It was all just a waste of time as far as I am concerned. Every time you spew some of your hatred like I screwed up the move or want to push me down by saying something about (my birth mom’s name) and me or whoever and me and saying I haven’t changed I wonder why you can’t just leave me the fuck alone and shut the fuck up. You’re the one who hasn’t moved on. You can’t stop bullying me. I don’t know what your motive is to be involved in my life in anyway but you are not invited. Keep whatever ugliness you have in your heart inside and don’t talk to me about it, text me about it or email me about it, ever. It has nothing to do with you but you want to get involved and offer some mean and negative opinion and I have no idea why except that your heart is just full of evil and needs to spin it constantly. It just reminds me how much I despise you and how lucky I am to not have to have you as part of my life. I could not care less if you live or if you die. Nothing about you matters to me. I feel this way about no one else in the world except you. I suspect that will some how excite you and make you think that you are some how special. Fill your boots but STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.”

My ex: ” Doesn’t sound very Christian like as you claim to be. Anyways the solution is quite easy if my emails piss you off. Stop contacting me. That includes not coming to my home and place of employment. Stop making excuses for coming to see me. Spin it whatever way you want, there’s no reason you had to deliver those receipts. So make it easier on the both of us and discontinue contacting me. ”

Me: “You are fucking hilarious. I am spinning it? You think I want to come and see you? Do you think I was hoping you were in the office? It made zero difference to me if you were there or if you weren’t otherwise I would have called first, I would have worn makeup and I would have dressed nicer than my 10 year old work clothes. Not interested in seeing you, could care less if you see me or what you think of me. Hence my need to tell you to shut the fuck up about anything you feel the need to say to me. I don’t care. Don’t waste your energy thinking about me at all.

It is all about the money and what you owe me and you know dropping off the receipts is the only way right now I could ensure you received a copy of what you owed. So narcissistic of you. Get a grip buddy. You will be contacted by me only when necessary and if it has to be in person, it will be in person. Today, sadly for you, it is only my email you get. Here it is:

Please issue me an e-transfer as per the receipts I gave you in person on Friday. The full amount for (our daughter’s name) grad dress alterations–$65. 50% of the dumping fee to get the house ready to sell–$126.50 (your share is $63.25); 50% of the cat food, cat litter and dog food expenses ($40.87 + $13.43 + $85.10). Your share of the pets is $69.70. The total amount of the e-transfer should be $197.95.

My ex: “Another email from the person who claims they want nothing to do with me yet continues to contact me to tell me how happy she is and has moved on?? Really?? Your constant rants about me would suggest otherwise. You have no reason to come to my office. Pay to copy the items you are wishing reimbursement and either drop off copies at my home address in the mail box, send it by regular mail or email. So that it’s clear, and apparently it’s not since I asked you 5 times last week to not come to my office. DO NOT COME TO MY OFFICE AGAIN unless I choose to extend an invite to you. You are not welcome here and if you chose to do this again, I will escort you right back out the door.”

Me: “More threats from you–yawn. The best way to solve this issue is to pay me based on what I tell you and you can review the receipts at a later date in time convenient to both of us. Try to be mature and take grown up actions. If I’m not welcome at your office, why would you extend an invitation to me? Do you think I’ll be watching the mail for an invite? Have I ever gone to anything you’ve invited me to attend with you in the last 2 plus years?

If it makes you happy to think I am not happy and I haven’t moved on think away. If you want to think you have the biggest cock out there, are the best lover, that I can’t have an orgasm or enjoy sex with anyone else, that you make the most money, are the kindness, nicest, gentlest man, are wiser, more intelligent than any other I could possibly be with, are more educated, funnier, wittier than anyone else in my life right now, are better looking, more athletic, more generous, better to my children than anyone else could possibly be, think, think, think, away. You left in the first place because your thinking was all wrong so why would you change it now? Think what you want but keep your thoughts to yourself. I don’t want you in my life in anyway so I don’t need or want to hear what you think about me, my life or anything else for that matter.”

Me Ex: “Like I’ve repeated in the past, your actions, words etc speak volumes to the bitterness and anger that you have pent up inside. Your repeated actions of entering my home and place of employment despite requests not to do so reveals your true character. You have no boundaries. You don’t respect anyone or their wishes. You’ve been asked by 3 lawyers and who knows how many counselors and yet you continue to defy their advice, requests admonishing to be mature and not have contact.

Believe me I would love for you to move on. Have wanted that for a very long time. Have expressed this many a time to you. You simply can’t let it go. Look at the silliness of the things you write below? Listen to the way and how you speak. You’re still calling me names every chance you get. Unprovoked you have to stand at the top of a mountain and yell out the things you do and then say how happy you are? Doesn’t really make a lot of sense. If your happy that’s great, I’m happy for you. You don’t need to tell me that. If you’re truly happy, everyone will see that. If you have to tell people you’re happy then clearly you’re not.

You seem to think that you can say how happy you are, yet at the same time call me names, put me down, write things about me that are false. Is that the works of a happy person? You come across as such a hypocrite. Claiming to love God and have God in your life and yet you speak the way you do? I think God would be ashamed of you, because you are not exhibiting any signs of a person who has a relationship with God. Do you follow any of the teachings of the God you claim to follow?”

My final remarks: I was done sending any more emails after that. There is no point trying to argue with him against his lies and half truths and it is pointless to try to defend my relationship with God. It is just another way of him trying to make me feel bad. He is always trying to put me on the defensive and I am done.

Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and I certainly understand why. It tears everyone apart. When God brings two people together and a vow is made to him by both parties and to each other to be faithful, to love, honour, etc. how must God feel when one of those people who made that vow suddenly throws everything he was given back in God’s face and acts like it wasn’t good enough, that God doesn’t know what is best. God may feel even worse than I felt because his love is way deeper than how we are capable of loving. The ingratitude he must feel for everything he gave us and did for us. When we are in sin and try to do things our way this is what happens. When we act ungodly chaos ensues and it is devastating on every level. No one should be surprised at the results. Satan is the accuser and it should be no surprise my ex is accusing me of everything he can throw at me.

In response to the rest of his email I do have anger and bitterness around the way my ex continues to treat me, not because of the affair. The frustration that leads me to act out verbally surrounds his continued need to try and control me, making me jump through hoops, bullying me and not following through with his legal responsibilities. I don’t keep it pent up inside as he claims. I speak it, release it and take action to deal with his attempts to treat me unfairly especially in the area of finances. He is clinging very hard to control the financial aspect of my life as that is all that is left between us. Our older daughter is the other area that he tries to use to manipulate me.

It is so interesting that he calls my actions “silliness” and says that I can’t let go. It costs us both time, energy and money every time he does this and lawyers get involved. My solution now is that I won’t pay for anything for my older daughter that my ex is to reimburse because I don’t need the aggravation and I can’t afford it. I will have to go back to my lawyer to get her to collect what is owed through Dave’s lawyer and to go back to the mediator/arbitrator and get her to rewrite her wording regarding my ex’s requirement to pay 50% of the pet expenses. I will ask for him to be required to pay me within 5 days or he will have to incur interest payment to me. A penalty may help with compliance.

I don’t respect my ex at all for his continued behaviour. There is no one else that I am disrespecting. He has never been privy to any conversations between me and my counselors or my lawyer and none of them have told me to not contact him. You reader and my friends have advised me of this but one would expect us to be able to work together for the common good of our children and being able to deal with matters without legal involvement. He never went to counseling to help him to be able to do this and he would not participate with me and the girls to learn how to do this. He hasn’t been able to do it on his own. I really wonder if these are facts in his mind. There is a disconnect of how he processes and understands information and he lacks insight. I have never written anything to him or anyone else about him that is false. I wonder what people say to him that makes him think this. I don’t think we talk to the same people anymore so he is probably going back to when the affair was first discovered. He did try to make a big deal to his lawyer about me going to his house to see my daughter on 2 occasions but my lawyer said nothing about it. Again, he was trying to make an issue out of nothing to distract from real issues he wanted to avoid. I haven’t been back to his house because it isn’t worth it but it is my older daughter who loses because of his accusations and it is so odd that he gave me going to his house as an option to get him receipts when even in these email rants he tells me not to go to his house.

My ex is untrustworthy on every level and proves it over and over again so I cannot trust what he says even in his tirades. If he had really moved on he would accept it and take responsibility for what he owes. He would accommodate me to get him receipts and pay in a timely fashion instead of hanging on for dear life and fighting it.

If he didn’t provoke me there would be no need for a chain of nasty emails. Although my ex feels like I am yelling from a mountaintop he isn’t hearing me. I tried to turn up the volume in my last emails but still nothing. For the most part I keep my cool and handle or get my lawyer to handle but I would think the time is here when enough is enough. If he really wants me to move on then he needs to let me move on by dealing with our current situation in a business-like manner. He needs to move on himself in order to be able to achieve this state.

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affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, family, father/daughter, infidelity, loss, marriage breakdown, parenting, relationships, separation, single parent

The ex discovers I am dating

I’ve just taken out identifying names but here is a cut and paste from the email I received from my ex on January 20, 2015:

“I am concerned about (our older daughter who lives with my ex). But I’m also concerned about (our younger daughter who lives with me). You may be enthralled that someone is paying attention to you, but don’t forget your obligations to protect your daughters. Moving in with a guy you know nothing about after a few months is ridiculous. It again goes to show the lack of good judgment exhibited by you over the last two years. Get a grip on your emotions and start being a positive example rather than an embarrassment to your children. I’m happy that you’re dating someone, but keep a proper distance and allow yourself the time to get to know him before you introduce him to our children, let alone move in with him and tie yourself financially and emotionally. That’s all (our younger daughter) needs is for you to move in with someone and then 6 mths from now you realize he’s not all what you thought he was and you’re moving again.

He has his own issues to work out, such as his own divorce, so I’d like to think you’d consider that in your thought process before even contemplating things like this. It scares me to think that you’d even entertain this, let alone talk about it with the kids when our own situation is not resolved. You have no idea what the kids think of him, which as I understand it they are not over the moon about him. That should be your priority. Not having a companion to help with your bills and someone to sleep with.”

Wow, this coming from the guy who was lying to me and his kids while having an affair with a co-worker choosing to do things still with her or for himself instead of putting our children’s needs above his own. Is he really talking to me about “obligations”, “priorities”, being “an embarrassment” to my children, my need to be a “positive example”, “protection” and “lack of good judgement”?

Firstly, I have been seeing this man for 8 months. My ex is only getting wind of him now because I have not talked about him or introduced him to my children or had him even know where I live until recently. My older daughter has only met him 2 times and that is because she chose to come into the house to specifically meet him when she saw his vehicle in the driveway when she and her dad were dropping her sister off. They exchanged hello’s and that was it.

The man I am dating is so respectful of my situation and of me being a mom first. He has never slept at my house except when I was called that my older daughter was in emergency. He was the one who drove my younger daughter back home from visiting her sister in the hospital. He came and picked her up after midnight. My ex would not do that. In fact, my ex was more concerned that he was at the hospital when he had a 7:00 a.m. hockey game. I had girlfriend coming to the hospital to pick my younger daughter up but when the man I am dating offered to get my daughter and sleep on the couch until I came home she chose that instead. My ex raised zero concern about an unrelated male driving our daughter and staying alone with her. Instead he jealously said in front of both our children that I could go and get our younger daughter’s bag from his vehicle as he didn’t want to interrupt my “love fest”. When I arrived home at 2:00 a.m. he stayed on the couch with me for 1 1/2 hours and let me talk about the situation and calm down so I could go to sleep and then he left.

I have met his parents and his 20 year old daughter. I like them all very much. Both his daughter and his parents know that he is 100% reliable and I have witnessed all the things he does for them. He is the one who picks his daughter up if she is out with friends on the weekend to ensure she gets home safely and to ensure she is actually home. I have been to his beautiful home and have seen the house that he built with his own hands. He’s invited me to visit him at work. He’s taken me out with his best friend. He rarely drinks and doesn’t do drugs or smoke. He is a coach and runs and cycles regularly. I continue to ask all of the hard questions. I have introduced him to 3 of my friends and their husbands/boyfriends who also have been brutal at times looking for deep sincere answers to their questions. He told me after our Super Bowl party that one of my friends talked to him when I wasn’t around. He said he knows what a valuable friend I am and how much I am cared for because of how they have pressed him.

However, I am not interested in anything other than dating this kind, gentle man who respects me. I have no intention of moving in with him. He was kind enough to offer us a home he recently bought near my daughter’s school, that he plans to fix up and flip, if I haven’t found a suitable living option when my house sells. My daughter knows this because she is feeling very insecure about having to move. She is afraid we will have to give up our dog and 2 cats. Knowing we have options has given her more of a feeling of security. Her dad has taken all her security away. She has no positive male role models in her life and the counselor has impressed it is really important to surround her with men who do not behave badly. Unfortunately her best friend’s dad did the exact same thing that her dad did so having a man in her life who didn’t use an affair to end his marriage and who actually wants to be with his own children and my daughter, too, is a big deal.

To address my ex’s concerns: I think our children have suffered far more damage by their dad moving out after living with them for 15 and 10 years than if I were ever to move in with someone and move out after 6 months. They were far more tied emotionally and financially to a dad who no longer provides or meets those needs and worse has crippled us in both of those areas. I think our kids have suffered far more by realizing we are being forced to move because it is their own father who is not the person we thought he was.

Standard