adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, divorce, ex spouse, infidelity, lying, marriage

How “the other woman” Thinks: Part I

I often wonder about what would make another woman justify in her mind that it is okay to sleep with a married man.

I am sure most women have experienced flirting and come-ons from men in committed relationships.  I find it is the most repugnant characteristic.  There is nothing about that behavior that makes me think, “Yes, you are the man I want to be with.”  I don’t find it flattering, it doesn’t make me think I am better than his wife in any way, it doesn’t make me feel desirable.  It only makes me think, “Creep. I feel sorry for your wife. She deserves better.”

I am a woman so I am trying to understand another woman’s thinking.  Janice Andrews was either pursued by my husband or she pursued him.  They each conveyed somehow to each other that even though we are married (Janice was living with her spouse in a 12-year common-law marriage), we are open and available to each other.

I hold my ex husband 100% responsible for straying and for leading Janice Andrews astray regardless of the semantics of how it all began.  He knew better. He studied the bible shortly after we married, was baptized as an adult, vowed to follow Jesus, lead ministries and studied the bible with other men, counseling them in their lives and marriages. He saw the consequences first hand of marriages destroyed by infidelity. He knew the pain caused to families and the struggle for relationships to continue after cheating.

At some point though he began to live a lie to pursue cheating himself.  It was before he met Janice because after discovering his affair with her I searched deeper.  I found that his pursuit of an affair had started at least a year before we moved to British Columbia. That was 4 years before he began to work with Janice. Even though he was clearly professing his love and lust for Janice to her via texts, he was at the same time flirting and making plans with other women as well.   He was casting out his net.   Initially, at least, he wasn’t going to be limited just because he caught fish Janice.  But what made her bite?

Janice’s own retweet of DeAndre Page from November 16, 2017 may offer an explanation: “think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”  It is the Law of Attraction. Whatever vibe he was putting out, she was lured.  She seems to have been putting out the same vibe with her willingness to cheat on her spouse.  Maybe deception vibes run on a different frequency path than loyal and faithful vibes.  After all, Satan knows how to light things up to make it look and feel more exciting than God’s promises.

Let’s explore other thoughts from Janice that could provide some insight into a mind that might need to try and justify her need to feed her own desires over consideration of the lives of other people.

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adultery, affair, Bible, Christianity, divorce, God, infidelity, marriage, moving, Spirituality

It is all for My Good!

Initially, in the aftermath of discovering my husband’s affair, I had periods of joyous jubilation.  Somewhere over the past 2 years, I lost that.

In the first month after the affair, I knew I would never be with my ex again because of his choices and his decisions.  When I found out he had also been contacting an ex girlfriend regularly for a period of 4 years and when I began to find his emails and Facebook conversations and read how inappropriately his conversations and contacts with other women had been during our marriage, I knew I wanted nothing to do with this man ever again. All trust was broken beyond repair.

I was confident that God revealed to me the truth about my ex’s behaviour because God would not allow my ex to make a mockery of our marriage and because he knew I deserved way better. God is slow to anger and I suspect that over the last 4 years and probably longer he gave my ex a lot of opportunities to repent. As devastating and painful as the realization of my ex’s behaviour and lack of love and respect for me and our children was to me, I trusted in God’s plan for my life.  God gave me my husband and now he was removing him from my life.  I held on to one of my favourite scriptures:

Jeremiah 29:11 New International Version (NIV)
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I had loved my life and always considered my life up until this point completely blessed.  I was content with everything I had and every situation in my life.  Even in difficult and challenging situations I trusted God’s wisdom and the direction of my life. I had confidence in everything that happened.  So even with, what to me seemed like the worst thing that could happen in my life, I was excited with what God had in store for me next. It had been so good up until this point I had fun imagining what God had planned for me next–maybe I’ll move (Australia was calling me at the time), maybe I’ll do this or that, maybe I’ll meet this person, etc. and etc.  It was very exciting to imagine all that I could and would do now that I was no longer attached to one person and their career path. I could finally do the things I had dreamed. The things my husband knew I wanted to do but that he never encouraged or supported .

I wrote in a journal all the blessings that God continued to give me post affair.  When my ex made decision after decision to financial crush me and to turn away from his relationship with our children, I held on to all of the new relationships, opportunities and financial gifts that seemed to just land in my lap and that benefited both me and my kids.

However, over the past year and a half, had difficulty seeing God’s promise.  I was feeling harmed and I had difficulty imagining a prosperous and hopeful future. The endless divorce process, my financial situation, our living situation, the needs of my children, the demands of everyday responsibilities that I have to carry alone, the nastiness of my ex; the weight of these challenges buried me. Fear for me and my children sometimes consumed me.

The worst thing I can do is focus on my loss.  It is a struggle to not be bitter against my ex for leading our family into financial ruin.  The loss of security and stability for me and my kids by selling our family home is one decision that haunts me as well as the decision to sign our mediation agreement when I knew the numbers didn’t make sense. If I had just taken a day and asked to see Dave’s lawyer’s calculations, the $100,000 error against me would have been obvious.  Trusting that Dave would even follow through on a mediation agreement was a mistake.   It was a huge mistake to enter into an agreement with someone who has consistently been proven to be dishonest and untrustworthy.  The same character that allowed him to pursue an affair and treat me and our kids with distain is the same character that made it okay with him to cheat me and his children out of responsibilities he legally owed as well as actions he ethically and in good-conscience should have manned up and handled.  I had a lot of thoughts of, “God, how could this be your plan for prospering me and giving me hope and a future?”

There have been very valuable life and spiritual lessons over the last 2 years.  Being this uncomfortable has had life-changing benefits that I wouldn’t want to give up but I also no longer want to keep enduring. I kept telling myself and others that I just need to hang on until my youngest is finished high school–“Just 4 more years, just 3 more years…” That was when I felt we would have the freedom to leave and do whatever we wanted.   But I am ready to claim everything good that the universe and God have in store for me now, I don’t want to wait. I can’t wait.  It may be my plan to have my daughter finish high school here for her benefit but I choose to have the mindset that making that decision is a good choice for me as well. I decided to start claiming all that is good and available for me now.

On my way to the hospital yesterday morning I decided that I was not going to pay for parking. I think it is $2.50 for 2 hours.  I said out loud, “Someone is going to give me their parking ticket that hasn’t expired yet because I am not paying for parking today.”  I turned into the hospital driveway and I made contact with every vehicle driver on their way out.  No one offered me a ticket. So I parked and headed over to the parking meter.   This is the sign that was taped to the meter:

20171103_125305

I smiled so wide. I laughed all the way into the hospital and of course I thanked God.

Then today when I picked my daughter up from dance we went to Starbucks.  I had received one of those star challenges that said I would receive 50 bonus stars if I bought the 3 things I buy most: my latte, breakfast sandwich and my daughter’s Frappuccino.  We ordered but they were all out of the breakfast sandwich that was specified in the challenge.  The barista apologized and asked if I wanted something different or did I just want a refund.  I told the barista that I wasn’t really hungry but was just ordering it to get my bonus stars.  The barista said that instead of refunding me the four dollars and a bit of change that she would keep my order so I would get my bonus points and then she gave me two gift cards for $4/each.  I proceeded to tell my daughter about the gift I received yesterday with the parking and now this unexpected gift today. Thank you again, God.

These may seem like tiny rewards but asking for these, acknowledging receiving them, and being grateful for these gifts puts it in my consciousness that I am ready and open to be lifted from my current position and placed in a better situation right now.  I know I have been so focused on “just staying here until my youngest is finished high school” that I have literally been “just staying here.” This awareness affirms what I know in my heart and has brought that joyful, excited feeling back into my thinking.

When I reassess, I am happier with my current living situation much more so than I was at the last place I rented. The last place was better than the place before that.  I definitely had thankfulness and gratitude for each place but when circumstances outside of my control forced me to move I became fearful and uncertain that we would find some place new to live. I longed for stability.  I am now reminded that although my constant moving doesn’t feel like stability the biggest life lesson I learned during these 4 years is that worldly stability is false.  My stability and security comes from God and his love, his promises, his truth.  That is my solid foundation, not a house.   So although it may cause some initial discomfort, I am back trusting and remembering that every move, every shift, every gift is all for my good moving me to a better place in life!

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, Christianity, divorce, Healing, melanoma, separation, unfaithfulness

Physically Challenged Summer

I moved yet again on August 1, 2017.  Three moves in two years–exhausting, stressful and expensive.  My landlord wanted to do some renovations to the place I had been living in order to add an extra suite to his home and he was also considering selling.  He informed me as well that he would need to raise my rent from $1750 to a yet undetermined amount for what was really a 2-bedroom basement suite and  a tiny extra room with no window that housed my older daughter’s single bed and a desk and computer.

I had met a male friend in February who was not enjoying condo living and sharing walls.  The only way both of us could get more space for less money was to rent a home together.  We researched what was available, included my kids in the process, included God and prayer in the process and feel like the perfect place for us was provided.

Just prior to our move I had to have my melanoma surgery on the left side of my back.  My new friend is a trauma paramedic so they allowed him to come into the surgery room and be with me for the procedure.  He said he was shocked at how much they had to cut.  One centimeter around the cancer site and one centimeter deep.  This melanoma had a deeper root than my last one so it required an additional 5 mm cut than around the cancer site than what was required for the one on my right arm last year.  It doesn’t seem like a lot until they draw it out on your back and you realize it isn’t a cm straight line but a circle.  My friend said the chunk they took was large enough to BBQ.

The requirement after that was no lifting or carrying for 2 weeks.   Because my new roommate saw how serious the surgery was he was very protective and strict with me that obey orders and not pull stitches or cause damage or impede healing. Not at all ideal when you are trying to move.  My kids and my older daughter’s boyfriend along with 3 of his friends were invaluable to me during this time.  My new roommate and his son and girlfriend also made sure we got moved in.  Although, we are still in the process of actually emptying our moving boxes.  My roommate ended up having his own health issues.  It became a stark realization that if anything happened to either of us, the other would not be able to afford to continue to live in our new place.  One day at time living without ruminating about the past or projecting worry and doubt about the future is how I am learning to live. Trusting God will provide and direct is all I can do.

Just when my 2 weeks were up and I was able to start to use both arms again to lift and carry, the very next day I was bit by a Bull Mastiff.  This 200 lb animal fractured my left hand.  My dog was being attacked and if I had not intervened I am convinced my dog would be dead.  I had to have emergency surgery with pins as my 5th metacarpal was displaced and it was an opened wound.  All of the puncture wounds were opened up further and irrigated. I had stitches and was prescribed antibiotics and painkillers.

I just had the pins taken out yesterday and started at the Hand Therapy Clinic today.  It will still be another 2 to 3 weeks before I can lift and carry with my left hand but I am so excited to be out of the cast and have the pins out.  After one treatment at the Hand Clinic today I am amazed that I am able to type with both hands (part of my homework). It is difficult and a little painful but I am doing it.

I feel like with everything that has happened to me and with all the unrest in the world right now between crazy weather, terrorism, war,  nuclear threats, acts of violence/hatred, etc. that I am being prepared for something even more difficult.  My world of what I thought was love, peace, comfort, stability and security has been rocked forever with infidelity but now I am undergoing further levels of being toughened up, challenged, changed, and forced to rethink my priorities and purpose for my life.  I am not afraid of what is to come.   With every circumstance I handle, endure, over-come, let be, or fight I am realizing more and more that my character is real.  I am a confident, independent, brave, tough, faithful and loving woman in good times and in hard times.

 

Photos are hand condition at 2 weeks post surgery getting stitches removed.

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adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, deceit, divorce, loss

Update on ‘Stealing and Giving Back’

The story of my daughter’s friend, the 14-year old fundraising to help pay the $6000 it is going cost for her to travel and compete in a European golf championship this year, was reported on the local news last night. The estimated $160 she raised selling lemonade and samosas was stolen.

The theft was caught on video surveillance cameras at the market where she was selling.  Two men came by and asked why she was raising money.  She told them.  They left and didn’t purchase anything.  Then you see them walk back together and one man grabs the money jar off her table and runs off.  Cindy’s father tries to run after them and lunges to grab the man but he falls hard onto the cement, flat on his face.  My daughter had told me that he had to go to the hospital by ambulance to be checked out but that he was okay.  It was very upsetting for my daughter to watch that part on the news. Then the news reporter announces that one of the investigating officers gave Cindy $160 out of his own pocket to help her.   The officer requested not to be identified and didn’t want any public recognition for his generosity.

The kindness effect ignites.  My daughter told me that at school today Cindy was called down to the office several times and returned each time with money that people had dropped off to support her trip.  The news crew had come to her school the day they were reporting the story to interview her about what happened, why she was raising money, her golf goals, etc. and they videoed her in the gym swinging a golf club with the school identified on the gymnasium wall. My daughter also told me that because her full name was disclosed on the news people were contacting her home asking if they could drop off money for her.

The surveillance showed clearly the identity of the two men. If the thieves knew they were being watched on surveillance would they have attempted to steal? The chances of them getting caught and shamed publicly, potentially losing their jobs if they work, is a real possibility. Some people just do things that are dishonest if they think they can get away with it.  Would the video camera give them pause to weigh out the consequences?

What if people who were lusting after coworkers thought they were being recorded so that their spouses, kids, parents, business associates,  community, etc., could watch?  Would that lower the incidents of affairs in the workplace or anywhere else cheaters meet?  If cheaters knew cameras were present filming what they try to cover up, would the fear of being exposed halt their deceitful thoughts and actions?  Nobody chooses shame and humiliation, the loss of their families and reputation and other fall outs they can’t even foresee. That is why they sneak around, lie, hide and live double lives. They don’t want to get caught.

Some people have no remorse and make excuses to justify their actions regardless.  We don’t have to control or change how those people think.  This story teaches that despite the lousy situations that we may find ourselves in because of the greediness, selfishness, carelessness, and hatred of others that the universe does work everything out so that what was taken comes back as even more than what was lost and it can happen very quickly.

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, Bible, Christianity, Christmas, divorce, faith, God, infidelity, Janice Andrews, Love, lying, marriage, promises, Spirituality

The Ghosts of Christmas

The Ghost of Christmas Past:

Spent my 4th Christmas post-affair. I honestly don’t look back and long for the Christmas’ with my ex. We always had great celebrations whether it was commuting to the three sets of parents’ homes all in different cities and sometimes my birth father’s side of the family as well or whether it was just the 4 of us after our move to British Columbia. All good memories (except our last Christmas together when my ex was already involved with Janice and ignored me at his company Xmas party and over-drank and was obnoxious at my sister’s place during our family celebration and then was rude and impatient with me the next morning).

The Ghost of Christmas Present:

This was the first year my ex purchased a gift for the girls to give to Janice. He gave it to my younger daughter to bring home and wrap. I have no idea what it was–something from The Body Shop I think based on one of the bags she left at our front entrance. When she told me she had to wrap a gift for Janice I asked if her dad bought her paper. No, she was expected to use my wrapping paper. No idea what paper she chose or what it looked it–bows, ribbons, tag, etc. I wonder if Janice really opened it up and thought how nice that the girls shopped for her and chose something for her. Something as special as soap. Guess it is Dave’s way to pretend it is a family Xmas where everyone exchanges gifts and niceties out of love for each other.

The girls and I had a very fun Christmas Eve. I gave them their traditional Xmas pajamas gift to open and they immediately put them on. We took selfies on my bed with all the pets and stayed up very late.

Christmas morning was relaxed and fun. I went on a walk with the dog in the afternoon and we went to our friends’ farm for dinner.  Our friends said that it made their Christmas table much more lively having us there. We played a game afterwards with presents and came home with a new disco snowman and a disco tree decoration.

The Ghost of Christmas Future:

As I celebrated the birth of Christ, I was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future. It came in the form of scripture.

I was reminded that for me to know Jesus requires that I share in his sufferings (Romans 8:17). Betrayal was the biggest part of his suffering and now I know what it feels like to be betrayed by the one who knew me the best and who I loved the most and who should have loved me back the most in this world.

NIV Galatians 6:17 “Let no one cause me trouble, for I bear on my body the marks of Jesus.” That is a warning for Janice and Dave. For me Jesus says in NIV John 16:33: “In this world you will have trouble.” Jesus tells me though to take heart because he overcame the world and I will, too!  In this same scripture Jesus says to have peace despite the trouble because I am not alone; God is always with me.

I may have suffered the loss of my marriage due to an affair because of evil, greedy, lustful and selfish people but Isaiah 61:1 -7 lists all the promises I can claim because God “love(s) justice; (and he) hate(s) robbery and iniquity.” Janice robbed me of my husband. She took what wasn’t hers to take. Like a thief, she will always know she obtained what she has dishonestly at great cost to others and at a loss to her reputation, trust and integrity.  It is a lie and will be a constant reminder for herself and others of who she is at the core of her being. She shouldn’t be sad when the next thief steals it from her especially because she puts it on display; it never belonged to her in the first place. The same holds true for Dave. What a waste of time and effort and money trying to hold on to something that is just a lie and false security.

Regardless of my husband’s broken promises, God promises to me in this scripture that he will always be faithful and will reward me with his everlasting covenant that no one can steal from me.   Jesus is in me and will lead me where he wants me to go. I trust that! My husband left me, Jesus did not.

I know there will be battles in my future but I will get up and get in the ring and fight to knock Satan out so I can claim my victory! God works everything out for the good of those who love him (NIV Romans 8:28).

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, Bible, cheating, children, Christianity, divorce, ex spouse, faith, God, infidelity, Janice Andrews, other woman, sin

Is the Honeymoon Over?

I like the idea of Dave and Janice being together for the rest of their lives and having to live with the consequences of choosing their new path. I know they will be repaid accordingly in life for the hurt, damage and selfishness they chose instead of doing right but I don’t need to know how that destiny unfolds.

I would not want to be Janice and be held accountable to God for what he brought together and she chose to tear apart. Dave carries an even higher onus of responsibility. As a Christian, baptized as an adult, choosing to live for Christ, he knows the scripture promises. He should be shivering, as even Satan trembles at the mention of God, but instead lives in arrogance and debauchery denying God, his word, his children, his faith and his responsibilities.

So I have to say I was a little disappointed when my younger daughter happily proclaimed to my eldest daughter, when she came home for Canadian Thanksgiving in October, that she hadn’t seen Janice since my older daughter left for university in the summer. My oldest daughter said that Janice was coming to dinner with their dad and them over the weekend but she didn’t show up. The kids discussed that Janice and Dave went to Vegas for her 50th birthday in September and talked about how they went to a Cirque du Soleil show (unimaginative gift since he took me for my 40th and took me to a Cirque du Soleil show, too)but they were speculating whether or not the relationship had hit the end of the road.

When my youngest daughter told me that Janice was in the vehicle when we saw them coming off the ferry in November my youngest daughter told my oldest daughter. When he wasn’t bringing her to see my daughter dance I then wondered to myself if maybe the trip to Vancouver was last minute and a way to try and rekindle something or simply Dave using her for company so he didn’t have to be alone or maybe another girl bailed. My experience with him when we dated was that he would pick fights and use that as an excuse to go out with other women and probably did that in our marriage as well now that I have hindsight. I suspect this leopard shows off his same spots and that Janice will fail to acknowledge the truth of Mr. Duplicity at least until her guaranteed destruction can’t be ignored.

It was only yesterday that my youngest daughter came home and announced her lucky streak was over. Janice came with them to lunch (actually at a new burger place right around the corner from my yoga studio where my daughter pointed out my car to them in the parking lot as they drove by and it is a place that I frequent and almost went for lunch yesterday as well).

So I smile as the two of them deservingly are still together. I would never want them to miss out on everything that is still to come.

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adultery, Christianity, divorce, infidelity, renting, separation, the other woman

Lifting my Anchor Again

One overwhelming and very stressful situation that pushed my need to take the purposeful break from all aspects of my life involved another move.

While I was in the midst of my melanoma surgeries and still no indication the outcome would be the best case scenario possible, my landlord gave me notice that they were taking over my suite for personal use.

The housing situation in Victoria is crazy.  There is a shortage of inventory.  Overseas buyers are snapping up whatever they can and there has been a frenzy of home owners placing their home on the market to cash in on the ridiculous prices that home owners are receiving for their properties.   My realtor is so busy.  She told me she lists a home, has one open house the first weekend and then accepts all offers Monday morning. People aren’t even doing home inspections or placing any conditions on their offers.  My realtor has been getting anywhere from 14 to 21 offers at once on a property.  People are paying well over the asking price to make sure they win the bid.

As a result, the vacancy rate for rentals in Victoria is 0%. People are selling their homes to take advantage of the market and then renting hoping the market will either slow and they can buy back in or they are continuing to rent and just investing their money elsewhere.

I spent the 2 months after I received notice trying to find whatever I could as a place to rent.  As a result of the rental demand not only have prices increased but landlords can be way more picky with tenants.  I am not the ideal tenant as I have a dog, 2 cats (pets posed a problem for me even before the market change), 2 kids and no employment income.

Again, I had to rethink whether I could even stay in Victoria.  If I were alone, I would definitely not still be here but my reasoning for staying the next 4 years is that I didn’t want to move my youngest daughter away from her dad, sister, friends and dance studio. Therefore, to find a place to live I was looking well out of the school catchment for my youngest daughter prepared to commute unreasonable distances just to keep her life as stable as possible.  I had a hard talk with both my girls about options we needed to explore including them living with their dad at least temporarily until we found a place, placing the pets in foster homes and moving back to Ontario.  Even my kids were trying to come up with ideas suggesting they would talk to their dad about him moving in with Janice and then us taking over his place and that Janice could have pets at her place so she could take them temporarily.  They suggested staying on the island but moving up north 1 1/2 hours. In the end, they said, “Mom, we don’t care where we live but we want to stay the 3 of us together and the pets have to be with us.”

I investigated every referral from friends, searched online 4 or 5 times/day, placed my own advertisement, told anyone I met I was looking for a place, looked at places to camp and to stay over the summer for the interim and even planned out ways to exist as a homeless family. I tried to see if I could buy something even a trailer. I asked the landlord if we could stay at least a month longer and I tried to fight the eviction as well through the BC Tenancy Act dispute process to buy us more time.  God was being clear; I needed to move on yet again.

Through a lot of prayer and perseverance, I found a place to move to 6 days before my eviction date. I found the ad on my 4th try that day on UsedVictoria.  My daughter suggested I change my search to include smoking properties. I thought that would limit my search but it actually opened up this one property that didn’t care if we smoked or not in their unit.  I knew from losing other places that I had to be aggressive. I called the new potential landlord, sent an email and although the ad was placed with no address, just the street name, I tried to drive by and find it from the photos as I planned to knock on the door to speak to the landlord. I couldn’t find it by driving by as I only had photos of the back of the house. When they called back they said it was too late for me to come by that night (I still asked). They were showing it at 10 the next morning. I asked if I could come at 9.  I came with an application filled out, a letter about me, a page of referral names and numbers and a cheque to fill out for damage deposits and first month’s rent. They actually were planning on renting it July 1 but I said I would take it for June 1 as it was vacant and I didn’t care about any of the work they planned to do to get it ready.  My dog was almost a deal breaker but I pleaded and asked if I could bring him by to meet them.  I went and got the dog immediately and while I did that they called some of my references.  We must have won them over because they accepted us.

$1300 in moving expenses and a lot of exhausting help from friends packing and moving boxes and hard-to-pack items over in advance confirmed again that I don’t want to keep going through this process.  I have been getting rid of more and more stuff again as I am now renting less space for more money. More confirmation that the universe is telling me to lighten my load significantly.  I better start abiding or I suspect I will be forced again to move and to get out of my comfort zone and lose more possessions. I am being prepared for something I am certain that is going to involve me leaving everything behind.

Right now, my youngest daughter and I are sharing a room.  My older daughter is sleeping in what we call “the Harry Potter closet” as her tiny room doesn’t even have a window.  My kids have never complained once about our new living environment.  In fact my older daughter is the one to always say things like, “I lived in a dorm last year sharing a room and having less so this is no big deal,” or “we need to just be grateful we got a place”.

I am very grateful every day.  I came back from the break refreshed, refocused and with a renewed energy and purpose.  I have a lot to do and I am doing it.

 

 

 

 

 

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