adultery, affair, cheating, ego, infidelity, unfaithfulness

Coco the Cat Came Back!

I was on my way to get something out of my bedside table when I saw a little face peering in my window. I noticed the coloring and saw that she was standing on her hind legs trying to look inside. Coco? The long hair, her tail…I scanned her and was obviously squealing in delight. It was her! Coco! I yelled for my daughter who was all ready on her way to my room hearing my excitement. She told me to calm down that I was so loud. I ran passed her to go to the patio and the little cat came right to me. I scooped her up, squeezing her and telling her how happy I was to see her. My youngest daughter had followed me outside and we were both loving up on her. I brought her downstairs to see my oldest daughter who bolted up in her bed when I told her who was in my arms. I called the owner to make sure she knew she was back. She was gone almost a month.

I was so certain that Coco was dead. I envisioned many scenarios of harm befalling this poor sweet animal. I relived the horrible sound that jolted me from sleep; the sound of something being killed. I spent days trying to recollect the day that happened. I went over texts to people who I thought that maybe I shared that with to see if there was a timeline that could correlate to Coco’s disappearance. I shed many tears. I looked for her every day; out my windows, going to my car, driving home. I prayed but I confessed to God my lack of faith that she was alive.

This situation is a perfect representation of what Eckhart Tolle talks about in A New Earth.

The voice in my head, a thought, created a situation out of my perceptions and emotions that was not true. I was simply observing possible facts: outdoor cat, busy street, fast cars, heavy vehicles, eagles nesting over our houses, cougars, racoons, worry I already had had about her safety, etc.

I was angry with my neighbour, “How could she just let Coco roam around in a dangerous environment. How could she think her cat is too heavy for an eagle to pick up?”

I judged the owner, “I have cats and I would not let them roam the neighbourhood. It is irresponsible.”

I personalized the cat’s disappearance.

Eckhart says, “Every ego confuses opinions and viewpoints with facts. Furthermore, it cannot tell the difference between an event and its reaction to that event. Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation. Only through awareness–not through thinking–can you differentiate between fact and opinion. Only through awareness are you able to see: There is the situation and here is the anger I feel about it, and then realize there are other ways of approaching the situation, other ways of seeing it and dealing with it. Only through awareness can you see the totality of the situation or person instead of adopting one limited perspective.”

For the most part, I consider myself aware. After Coco’s disappearance but before she returned, I felt compassion for Coco’s owner. She put flyers up everywhere and handed them out to each home on our street and in the large subdivision located behind our houses. She is a nurse who works long shifts, day and night, and she lives alone in a tiny basement suite. Of course she loved Coco and didn’t want to leave her inside, alone, for hours on end. Coco was the neighbourhood cat. She would sleep in another neighbour’s sunroom and in another neighbour’s tree house. There were 2 other outdoor cats, Max and Minnie, and the 3 of them would congregate in my backyard. The other 2 were still present. It broke my heart when I heard my neighbour out calling Coco’s name. I put on my shoes and went to her to offer support and encouragement. I told her that my cat escaped and went on an adventure for 7 weeks before coming home. I stopped crying about it. I also started praying and begging God to please just bring Coco home.

It is just easy sometimes to get caught up in our emotions, our stories and sometimes our perceptions are not real; they are just illusions that we created. It can rob us from joy and turn us into compulsive thinkers. Coco’s disappearance and return was a huge light bulb reminder that I still need to check in with my ego, especially in times of stress, conflict and emotion.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, ex spouse, Janice Andrews, other woman, reputation, separatiion, unfaithfulness

Smeeps, At least she knows who she is

I am not sure why this just popped into my head. I was doing a jigsaw puzzle with the TV on in the background at 1:15 a.m. and something reminded me of a conversation I had several months ago.

I was at a table with a bunch of people at a large event. I could see that someone kept leaning forward, three seats down from me, whenever I started to talk, trying to listen to my conversation. We were all just talking randomly about nothing private or personal that I remember, laughing, but I was aware of her interest in me.

People shuffled in to find a seat or out to get food, drink and to use the bathroom. This woman was now closer to me with someone in between us. Eventually she leaned forward to introduce herself and to tell me that we share a connection. I exchanged pleasantries with her but in my mind I am processing that she knows who I am because the connection she mentioned was not at the event.

I was up and down a few times myself and when I came back to the table I was seated beside this woman. Finally she tells me, “I know Janice Andrews.” She was very kind to me and told me how sorry she was and that people initially were shocked to find out about Janice and my ex. She told me that they later learned that Janice’s intent was very calculated. I did not engage. I did not know this person or trust this person. I simply thanked her for seemingly sympathizing with me. I had no idea what she knew or who she knew it from. She then asked me if I was on Twitter. I said that I was not. She said that Janice goes by the name Smeeps. I remembered that word. I feel like my ex had used that name in his phone as her contact to hide her true identity, ‘Ricky Smeeps’. She asked me if I knew what it meant. I said that I did not. She said that it is a seductress. I joked something to the effect about Janice at least naming herself appropriately and then thankfully there was more shuffling and I was pulled in one direction and she in another and that was it. I don’t remember her name and I haven’t seen the friend that we have in common but I would never say anything to her about my encounter anyway.

So tonight, after that popped into my head, I grabbed my phone to look up that word and there it is in the urban dictionary, “highly seducing woman”. The entry is dated March 3, 2009, four years before my separation in March 2013. I looked down further and there is another definition with the entry of April 19, 2011: “One of those involuntary farts a male gets when his buttocks are in the air with legs spread out and the warm fart gently ruffles his scrotum. Few true smeeps have been recorded in human history. Only the great masters of flatulence can produce such pungent pearls of fragrance.”

Hmmm, I wonder what definition she named herself after?

adultery, affair, breach of contract, Family Law, infidelity, legal proceedings, mediation, unfaithfulness

The Thanksgiving Turkey has been Served!

The Friday of our Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend, we served my ex with our court application outlining all the areas that he continues to owe me money. They are all items that he agreed to pay in our Mediation Agreement back in November 2014. He also promised, as per the Mediation Agreement, to provide his tax information on May 1 of every year but he has not done that for the past 2 years. Any other items are in accordance with the Family Law Act.

We just heard back from his lawyer. They have asked that we change the date, which we agreed, and they will be providing us with their response shortly. November 22 will hopefully bring a long over-due resolution to our ongoing legal issues.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, ex spouse, family, father/daughter, loss, Love, marriage, marriage breakdown, parenting after separation, unfaithfulness

Mr. Lakusu Stories

My 20-year old daughter posted this on her Facebook page on February 13. She was home this weekend and asked me if I saw it. I am not on Facebook very often and told her I had not. She said that her dad did. He messaged her and asked her what the post was all about. She said she felt it was important that people don’t take people for granted and that they are appreciated for all they do. He apparently replied that it was a good message. It certainly sounds like the story of our family. If it resonates with my ex–good:

“I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she ‘got’ me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us — our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie — everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual ‘Dad’ set up.

New beginnings

Life was sweet!

Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I’d treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret sets in

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too late

And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes — they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me.

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.”

“HOPE this helps a few marriages, Love and appreciate a Good woman”.

#Allos_of_Mr_Lakusu”

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman, unfaithfulness

Handling Hoes like Janice Andrews

I was working around the house this morning and ‘The View’ was on the television. They were talking about some woman getting “handsy” with Jay Z and how Beyoncé reacted. I started listening when they began to talk about what they would do when a woman is trying to engage with their husband while they are present. They were saying how rude and disrespectful any woman would be to do that with a married man in general and especially with the wife present but sure enough they all had examples. What is it that makes these women think it is acceptable and justifiable to beg for attention from married men? It made me recall how Janice Andrews didn’t leave my husband’s side at their office Christmas party in December 2012 while I was there with hime (2 months before I found out about their affair).

I copied this from http://www.complex.com/music in relation to what the women on the View were discussing:

“During an interlude for Beyoncé’s iconic anthem “Formation,” Big Freedia’s voice is heard proclaiming, “I did not come to play with you hoes, haha. I came to slay, bitch.” This line echoes the authority embedded in Lemonade, and serves as a reminder that Queen Bey is not here to play with anyone when it comes to her work, her family, and especially her husband Jay Z.

Apparently one actress did not get that message, according to a story told to TV One by comedian Tiffany Haddish. In an interview for the network’s new series Uncensored, the Girls Trip star recalls an instance where she witnessed Beyoncé Knowles-Carter politely check an actress for putting her hands on Jay.”

Tiffany Haddish shares:

“I go to a Jay Z concert, and I get invited to the after party,” Haddish says. “Beyoncé just walks right up to me and she goes ‘Hi, I’m Beyoncé,’ and I’m like, ‘I know who you are girl! You are so talented!’”

Shortly after meeting the queen, Haddish was talking to Jay Z and another actress when said actress decided to put her hand on Hov. “She touched Jay Z’s chest, and Beyoncé came walking up like, ‘Biiiittcchhhh,” Haddish says, clarifying she didn’t actually use that word but “her demeanor and her body from the way she walked up on her was like, ‘Get your hand off my man’s chest.’”

Haddish explains that Bey then decided to have a polite conversation with the actress, but hints that the story didn’t stop there. “She started talking to that actress,” Haddish says. “Some other stuff happened, but I ain’t gonna say nothing yet.”

The article sums it up:

“I’d like to know which actress has the nerve to lay a finger on Jay after everything Bey went through to give us Lemonade. It’s unclear when or if we’ll hear the details Haddish left out, because as we know the Knowles-Carter family is extremely secretive. There’s one thing that’s certain though: Yoncé is still not here to play with you hoes.”

Hmmm, I really thought I had a husband with more integrity and love for me, his children and God. I didn’t think I needed to check any of his coworkers for their lack of a moral compass. Should I have? I really should have had the conversation with my husband at that time.

I wonder now if Janice has to live the way Beyoncé has to live. When you know your man is a cheat there is no security. Fame, fortune, talent–doesn’t matter. There is no protection against hoes except for a better man.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, Christianity, divorce, Healing, melanoma, separation, unfaithfulness

Physically Challenged Summer

I moved yet again on August 1, 2017. Three moves in two years–exhausting, stressful and expensive. My landlord wanted to do some renovations to the place I had been living in order to add an extra suite to his home and he was also considering selling. He informed me as well that he would need to raise my rent from $1750 to a yet undetermined amount for what was really a 2-bedroom basement suite and a tiny extra room with no window that housed my older daughter’s single bed and a desk and computer.

I had met a male friend in February who was not enjoying condo living and sharing walls. The only way both of us could get more space for less money was to rent a home together. We researched what was available, included my kids in the process, included God and prayer in the process and feel like the perfect place for us was provided.

Just prior to our move I had to have my melanoma surgery on the left side of my back. My new friend is a trauma paramedic so they allowed him to come into the surgery room and be with me for the procedure. He said he was shocked at how much they had to cut. One centimeter around the cancer site and one centimeter deep. This melanoma had a deeper root than my last one so it required an additional 5 mm cut than around the cancer site than what was required for the one on my right arm last year. It doesn’t seem like a lot until they draw it out on your back and you realize it isn’t a cm straight line but a circle. My friend said the chunk they took was large enough to BBQ.

The requirement after that was no lifting or carrying for 2 weeks. Because my new roommate saw how serious the surgery was he was very protective and strict with me that obey orders and not pull stitches or cause damage or impede healing. Not at all ideal when you are trying to move. My kids and my older daughter’s boyfriend along with 3 of his friends were invaluable to me during this time. My new roommate and his son and girlfriend also made sure we got moved in. Although, we are still in the process of actually emptying our moving boxes. My roommate ended up having his own health issues. It became a stark realization that if anything happened to either of us, the other would not be able to afford to continue to live in our new place. One day at time living without ruminating about the past or projecting worry and doubt about the future is how I am learning to live. Trusting God will provide and direct is all I can do.

Just when my 2 weeks were up and I was able to start to use both arms again to lift and carry, the very next day I was bit by a Bull Mastiff. This 200 lb animal fractured my left hand. My dog was being attacked and if I had not intervened I am convinced my dog would be dead. I had to have emergency surgery with pins as my 5th metacarpal was displaced and it was an opened wound. All of the puncture wounds were opened up further and irrigated. I had stitches and was prescribed antibiotics and painkillers.

I just had the pins taken out yesterday and started at the Hand Therapy Clinic today. It will still be another 2 to 3 weeks before I can lift and carry with my left hand but I am so excited to be out of the cast and have the pins out. After one treatment at the Hand Clinic today I am amazed that I am able to type with both hands (part of my homework). It is difficult and a little painful but I am doing it.

I feel like with everything that has happened to me and with all the unrest in the world right now between crazy weather, terrorism, war, nuclear threats, acts of violence/hatred, etc. that I am being prepared for something even more difficult. My world of what I thought was love, peace, comfort, stability and security has been rocked forever with infidelity but now I am undergoing further levels of being toughened up, challenged, changed, and forced to rethink my priorities and purpose for my life. I am not afraid of what is to come. With every circumstance I handle, endure, over-come, let be, or fight I am realizing more and more that my character is real. I am a confident, independent, brave, tough, faithful and loving woman in good times and in hard times.

Photos are hand condition at 2 weeks post surgery getting stitches removed.

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, dating, divorce, infidelity, loss, Love, moving on, unfaithfulness

Dating and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

It has almost been 4 years since I discovered my husband’s affair. It would be an understatement to say that I have been very slow and cautious to re-enter the dating scene. Overly consumed by everything left for me alone to handle, the needs of the kids, the financial concerns, the legal proceedings; dating was just another item on my to-do-list that eventually would need to be checked off but it was not a priority now.

My needs were completely met by safe, adult, male friends. During the first year of my separation, 2013, Rob would come over and sit on my back porch with a fire burning just to talk. He would hang out with me all day when I had garage sales saying he would try to pop by but ended up showing up at 10 a.m. and staying until 5 p.m. and then would go with me to get something to eat afterwards. We would make plans to meet for breakfast at 9:30 that turned into going to the farmer’s market and then just going for a drink on a patio overlooking the ocean and then deciding we really needed some food so we would find a different patio for a 2:00 p.m. lunch. We would meet for lunch at 11:30 and then he would order a couple of desserts that he didn’t want just so we could remain and we would leave the restaurant at 3. Even though I hadn’t seen him really at all last year, he was the last one to leave my surprise 50th birthday party in the summer.

Martin is my fantasy. He entered my life in 2014 through a mutual friend and we have had so much fun together. I would show up at his house to pick him up and he would answer the door with no shirt on. He has the hardest body. I commented that he made 50 look good and he said, “I make 50 look damn good!” We always went to the same restaurant and after discussing what we wanted to eat he would tell the waitress, “My fiancée will have….” And then the waitress would say, “Oh, congratulations!” We would carry on with our pretend story improvising details never sure how the other would respond. We would close down the restaurant. When we went to a comedy club there was a silent auction. He bid on a ballet night with dinner. I mentioned my surprise back at our table with several people listening and he responded, “Darling, I always told you I wanted to take you to the ballet.” He would flirt shamelessly with me and would always invite me in for a hot tub afterwards. I always declined. He said if I ever wanted pillow talk I knew where to find him. He would text me with a beautiful note afterwards making sure I was home safely.

Dan was my golf partner the summer of 2015. We played almost every weekend. We would hang out with mutual friends at BBQ’s and game nights and he would plan day trips for us like going to Saltspring for Apple Fest. He had a very dry sense of humour and was fairly quiet and reserved but he would shock me every now and then by revealing something very personal that was so out of character to what I would have expected from him.

Around this time, my girlfriend mentioned one day, “What do you think of Brian?” I was thinking, and she continued, “He thinks you are very sweet and wondered if you would like to go on a date with him.” I had to ask, “Who is Brian?” “We went for dinner the other night”, she said. “Your Uncle Brian?” I asked incredulously. “Yes”, she said. “He really liked you.” “Your dad’s brother?” I laughed. “My dad’s youngest brother”, she defended. “He’s very successful, has lots of money and is super nice.” “He lives in Vancouver”, I said, “so it won’t work and besides I would have to make you call me, Aunty”. This was also the time another friend said to me, “You really need to start dating for no other reason than to learn about yourself.”

In 2016, I dated 3 men. They were all nice, two were highly successful and they were all okay looking (one was 35 years old!) but after the 3rd date, they ended it with me (although the 35 year old still texts) and one of the other guys sent an email in the summer just asking how I was doing. I always enjoyed my time with each and they planned great dates–The Floathouse; a ghostly walk; beautiful restaurants, dinner on the beach…but I never wanted to take it further. I never let them come to my place, I only kissed them good night and I wouldn’t go back to their place. I still didn’t feel I had the time to invest in a relationship. I would never put a relationship at this point ahead of my 14-year old daughter’s needs and all I wanted was for someone to go out with every now and then. My female friends were really meeting my needs in this area anyways.

So on New Year’s Eve, I declared my New Year’s Resolution to my girlfriend as being that I wasn’t going to date at all in 2017. I was just going to get my divorce finalized, resolve my legal issues, get my place in order and work on me, inside and out, so that I could attract the right person without any negative distractions. Wouldn’t it figure that within the next hour after my declaration this very lovely, 6’2″ man started to talk to me. He was very complimentary and he said that he would like to take me on a horse carriage ride and that if we enjoyed each other’s company that he would like to take me to dinner afterwards. I told him my new year’s resolution. He laughed but wasn’t deterred.

I loved his energy, his smile and his eyes. He was dressed nicely and smelled great. We exchanged phone numbers and talked constantly by phone and text for 2 days. He works shift work and was moving on January 2 into a smaller place that he had just bought but we went to dinner on the 3rd (I told him it was too cold for me to enjoy a carriage ride). We were at the restaurant for 4 hours. I loved his life experience from his search and rescue career leading a jaws of life team and rescue diving to being a dad of 3, owning a car dealership that he couldn’t wait to sell, traveling to every state in the US, being an extra in several popular movies, winning a BBQ contest and getting a cooking segment on a local TV channel, losing everything in the Calgary flood, etc. He seemed to have his values in check. I really was attracted to this man. He told me how great that he thought I was and how he didn’t want our date to be over. After dinner, he walked me to my car and asked if he could kiss me. I loved it. It was hard to stop. He told me that I was a great kisser and that he didn’t want to let me go. He said he felt so comfortable with me and had told me how happy he was that we met. He invited me back to his house and as much as I wanted to go, I did not. He promised he would never put any pressure on me to do anything and that we would always go at my speed.

We got together as much as we could over the next 3 weeks and we talked all the time. He cooked for me or I would bring food to his place. We loved to just stay so we could have our privacy, talk and cuddle and really get to know each other. We would try to watch a movie but we were very distracted by each other. We were both so tired one day that we just fell asleep and it was really nice. He made me feel beautiful, desired, sexy and it was very hard to leave his place.

On Thursday, I was heading back over to his place. He had just come off a string of late, 12-hour shifts but had 3 days off. He had spent his first day off with his son. He wanted to finish getting his house in order from his move and his son offered to help. He spent the day moving things he had dumped in a spare bedroom to storage and then he took his son out to dinner for his son’s birthday. I had told him that Wednesday was the best day for me to spend with him as I had no commitment to pick up my daughter that day but he made plans with his son instead and I understood his need to get his move behind him.

We had 6 hours planned to spend together on Thursday and then he said I had him all of Friday as well. He asked me at noon what I wanted him to cook for dinner and I told him instead that I wanted to take him out to eat. He said that was okay and he would just continue to work until I got to his place (I did have things I wanted to do–yoga, lunch with a girlfriend and letting the dog out before I came over and made these plans because I was sure we were going to have the day before together) He was fine with that though as he had work he wanted to finish.

Just when I was about to leave to go over he texted telling me to wait because he just received a text from his son that he was being picked up by his son and his son’s girlfriend for dinner at 5. He said he texted his son back but wasn’t getting an answer so he was very confused with the text. He said that he still wanted me to come out until he had to go to dinner. I instantly felt sad and texted him telling him that but said I would still come out. During the drive to his place my mind was turning. Why was he going out with his son again and why would he want to go to dinner with his son and his son’s girlfriend instead of spending time with me? He spent the whole day with his son yesterday. Why didn’t he cancel with his son and say he was double booked? Why didn’t he invite me to go (he told me he told his son about me)? It was actually his son’s birthday that day and it was his son’s girlfriend’s birthday on the same day. Why would they want his dad there during their celebration? Why would their dad want to be there and not just tell them to enjoy their birthday celebration together? He had already celebrated with his son.

When I got there I had a pit in my stomach and it was hard to swallow. I got to the door and he wasn’t there waiting for me with it open like he usually does so eager to hug and kiss me. I knocked (which I have never had to do) and I was shaking. He yelled at me to come in. I opened the door and he was hurried, coming from down the hall into the kitchen and then doing something on the counter maybe with his change and wallet but I just stood there. He barely looked at me and said, “What a crazy day. I thought the plans with my son were on Friday for dinner…” and then I just burst into tears. He came over to hug me and hold me and I just sobbed into his chest. I don’t remember him saying anything except maybe sorry but I wondered why he wasn’t saying anything. I didn’t put my arms around him but had my hands in partial fists at the side of my face. It was when I heard him mention about plans with his son on Friday when he told me that he was spending all of Friday with me that did it. I was shaking and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I am not a crier so I had no idea what was happening. If it is fight or flight, I fight. I have never been one to retreat or run away but I had to get out of there. The energy was weird. I could barely speak but I said I had to leave and I did.

8 hours later I was the one who texted first to see if he was home. He texted back saying he walked in the door 20 minutes earlier and asked if I was okay. I hadn’t seen the earlier text he must have sent during my drive to his place, until after I left in tears, saying that he asked his son if he could come at 6 instead of 5 so he could have more time with me and telling me that he had Friday free now but I was thinking that would mean he had at least a 4 hour dinner with his son. Was that normal?

He texted, “I’m feeling not so good. I didn’t like how I felt when you left. I never like hurting anyone.” I responded, “Well I was hurt. I also wonder if you were lying to me.” He said, “I was not lying to you. That’s not me.” And I said, “but I don’t know you.” He responded, “I’m sorry for upsetting you. It was a mistake in dates is all. But that being said I’m not good with hurting anyone and especially someone I care about. Having that same person call me a liar cuts deep. I’m sorry for everything.”

I told him that I wasn’t calling him a liar. I was very vulnerable and I shared where my mind went with everything and what I was thinking to try and make sense of why he bailed on me.

I didn’t hear back from him for 2 days and when I did he sent the following text: “Robyn I have had time to think about the other day. After reading the text messages over and over I have decided that I am not going to continue with our relationship. I have decided to focus on my work and just stay on my own. I’m truly sorry that I upset you. I did go back through my son’s messages and in fact he did ask me to dinner on the wrong day so it was not my mistake. However, seeing you so upset really made me feel horrible about myself. I never wanted to hurt anyone at anytime. I wish you the best. You truly are a special person. I am just the wrong guy. Take care, Gord.”

I sent him at text asking if we could talk telling him that his cancellation of our time together and then finding out he had made plans on Friday without considering me made me feel unwanted and unimportant. (I had told him that I had to pick my daughter up from dance on Friday at 5 so I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he made plans Friday for dinner because of that) but I just wanted to talk it through. I told him that I was more surprised probably than him about my reaction. I said in one sense it made me feel human again to have feelings. I never heard back from him though. I sent a final brief text on Monday, so I could have closure, basically telling him that he is on his journey, I am on mine and that he was a nice stop along the way. I wished him happiness, peace, health and love.

When I shared with a psychologist friend about my experience she said it was post-traumatic stress. She said that is what happens when after a traumatic event (being betrayed) you have unexpected and unforeseen triggers from a seemingly random misunderstanding. She said that situation took me right back to the experience of finding out about my husband’s affair. The flashback made me doubt Gord’s feelings for me, wonder if it was all a lie, suspect other motives, assume cover ups and question whether he was really working or with his son or doing what he said he was doing. Every lie I uncovered about my spouse and then the aftermath of everything I went through as a result of the deceit was relived again in that quick moment.

Or maybe my gut was right.

adultery, affair, blogging, children, Cyberbullying, divorce, ex spouse, infidelity, parenting, Stalking, unfaithfulness

He’s Still Following Me

I think my ex is still reading my blog. He sent me an email not too long ago commenting that he wasn’t following me anymore. He said that is was fun for awhile but now it is boring–the same old, same old.

I am pretty sure it was him who commented recently about my potential homeless situation post and then having gone to Hawaii in the summer. It sounded like him, saying the same things he said to me in separate emails and texts and the same writing style. It was the same email address as all the chaos created a year ago under several different user names and this was yet another user name, something like “just another single mom”. He might have been the only one involved in all of that after all. Crazy!

What makes we certain he continues to follow me is that I finished reading The Girl on the Train very quickly. I told my daughter she could read it and I gave her the book. She hasn’t started yet because she said there is a book for her English class that she has to read first. Then she told me that her dad invited her to go see the movie with him. I think that is an odd choice of movies to ask your 14 to go and watch when there are lot of family movies released but all I asked was if she was going to go. She said, “Nooooo!” She apparently told her dad that she had the book but she hadn’t started to read it yet. He said, “Your mom decided you could read it?” Even my daughter said it was “random” how the topic of me screening the book first came up. She told him that she saw the trailer and that wasn’t a movie she was going to watch with him. I haven’t seen the trailer and now am curious as I wonder if it is obvious from the trailer infidelity is involved. His commented to her that he was that he was surprised I was going to let her read it. Yet he thought it was okay to take her to see the movie?

abuse, affair, Betrayal, bullying, cheating, children, cruelty, difficult personality, divorce, domestic abuse, ex spouse, infidelity, other woman, parenting, single parent, unfaithfulness, verbal abuse

Ask and You shall Receive…an Insult

I asked my ex tonight if he was able to pick our daughter up from the ferry on Sunday, October 2 at 5:30 p.m. He responded, “Sure”. I was surprised not only that he responded to my request but that he responded so positively and so quickly.

Just when I started to text a thank you back I immediately received another response from him that is much more typical, “Oh no wait I’m away I cant”. Then he sent another saying, “That’s your weekend I believe”. He knew all along he wouldn’t do it but thought he would play with me by saying ‘yes’ to start.

I responded, “Okay. Thank you for considering.”

His response: “Well thnka s for offering”. (yes that is how it was received, same with the last text spelling.)

I mentioned however how the month of September has been going for seeing his children: “I didn’t know we had weekends. You didn’t see (daughter’s name) when it was “your” weekend and then you didn’t see her the next weekend to make up for it. We just figure it is always my weekend unless you make plans to see her.” It has actually been 3 weekends in a row he hasn’t seen our daughter.

His response: “Whatevs tubs. Go eat some cheese cake and chocolate cookies.”

I didn’t respond and had no interest in communicating further.

His next text: I have plans…as usual you’re last minute Larry…if you asked sooner might have been able to do something for you.”

I had to point out: “Last minute? It isn’t this Sunday it is next Sunday. That is 10 days from now. Does that mean you will be having (daughter) this weekend?

His response: “I’m not wasting my time conversing with you…good night and eat another piece of cake darling”

adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, infidelity, unfaithfulness

Royal Theatrics from the Ex

I have been very grateful to not have any contact with my ex. I scan and email my receipts to him and I get the same negative response back that he isn’t paying. He might throw in a snide comment or two but it doesn’t even phase me and I never respond.

Then out of the blue I get an email from him with the subject line “Royal Theatre”. Our youngest daughter’s dance recital is in two weeks so I thought maybe he wanted to know if I purchased a ticket for our older daughter to attend. That thought in my own head didn’t make sense because even when she lived with him I bought her a ticket as he never did. This was his rant:

“I know you continue to have some weird fascination with me, however you need to get your own Royal Theatre account. I’ve changed my password several times as you well know, since you have gone in and changed it to something else several times. It would probably take you less time to just get your own account, but for some reason you seem stuck on using mine? I know this because I can see your order history, address info and credit card. I contemplated contacting the theatre to cancel or report your tickets (row D seats 16&17) as being stolen, but it’s frankly not worth my time or energy.”

I, too, have gone to the Royal Theatre with the same concern. This was 3 years ago after we separated. I set up the Royal Theatre account more than 4 years before that even. Dave and I actually shared my personal email. He had his work email but we just had one family address. I was the one who always purchased the theatre tickets and the account is registered with my email address. Now when I login with my email address which hasn’t changed, and put in my password, I will find he has accessed the account and changed the billing address and credit card information to his own. I change it back for ordering but when I have picked up tickets at the box office his name has been printed on them. I tried to set up a new account but because I only have one email address it tells me I already have an account and it won’t let me set up a new one. I explained the situation to the theatre 3 years ago and they made changes while I was at the box office watching them but obviously it is still a problem.

He seems to keep thinking I am changing his password but it is my account so I access it with my own password. I guess he registered his email to the account as well and maybe that is why he is able to keep changing the password and accessing my account but I have never changed the password and I have never not been able to get in to their website to order tickets because he has changed it.

I will go to the theatre again with a copy of his email to show them that there is an issue with the account and certainly a privacy concern as well. I am hoping with his threat of cancelling the tickets and/or reporting them stolen that they will ensure there is a fix to the problem.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: unfaithfulness