adultery, affair, blogging, children, Cyberbullying, divorce, ex spouse, infidelity, parenting, Stalking, unfaithfulness

He’s Still Following Me

I think my ex is still reading my blog.  He sent me an email not too long ago commenting that he wasn’t following me anymore.  He said that is was fun for awhile but now it is boring–the same old, same old.

I am pretty sure it was him who commented recently about my potential homeless situation post and then having gone to Hawaii in the summer.  It sounded like him, saying the same things he said to me in separate emails and texts and the same writing style.  It was the same email address as all the chaos created a year ago under several different user names and this was yet another user name, something like “just another single mom”.  He might have been the only one involved in all of that after all.  Crazy!

What makes we certain he continues to follow me is that I finished reading The Girl on the Train very quickly.  I told my daughter she could read it and I gave her the book.  She hasn’t started yet because she said there is a book for her English class that she has to read first.  Then she told me that her dad invited her to go see the movie with him.  I think that is an odd choice of movies to ask your 14 to go and watch when there are lot of family movies released but all I asked was if she was going to go.  She said, “Nooooo!”  She apparently told her dad that she had the book but she hadn’t started to read it yet.  He said, “Your mom decided you could read it?”  Even my daughter said it was “random” how the topic of me screening the book first came up.  She told him that she saw the trailer and that wasn’t a movie she was going to watch with him.  I haven’t seen the trailer and now am curious as I wonder if it is obvious from the trailer infidelity is involved.  His commented to her that he was that he was surprised I was going to let her read it.  Yet he thought it was okay to take her to see the movie?

 

 

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abuse, adultery, affair, Betrayal, blogging, bullying, cheating, children, control, cruelty, Defamation, divorce, Janice Andrews, marriage, marriage breakdown, other woman, reputation, separatiion

My Ex’s latest Threat and Bullying

My ex has been texting me a lot again.

Last month there were weird texts that he would end with an emoticon of lips (after wishing me to have a great day), or one blowing a kiss (after he told me to go fuck myself) or ending it with xoxoxo (after he told me he had inner joy knowing he didn’t have to come home to me).

It ramped up again after he unexpectedly attended our youngest daughter’s dance open house on Tuesday at 3:30 p.m.  I certainly didn’t anticipate seeing him at all for the week long open house, let alone at one of her earliest classes because work is an excuse he uses most times to break commitments and avoid these types of activities.

He initiated talking to me as soon as he saw me asking where was our daughter.

“I don’t know, probably getting changed for class,” I responded.  I had just visited with her in the bathroom and she entered the classroom shortly afterwards.

Then he asked me what the plan was for Christmas because I didn’t respond to his text.  I told him I never received one asking about Christmas so he resent it. Turns out he had in fact sent it previously but it was buried in several rants he had sent me and it looks like I responded to one of his rants at the same time he sent this completely unrelated message so I never saw it. I told him that if he had something important to ask me that it was best if he did it via email as texting for me is a tool just for quick answer and response forms of communication.

His next question to me was where he could pick up the poinsettias. I told him I didn’t know. He said that the email said that pick up was between 4:30 – 5:30. Ah, that was the reason he was there. He had to get the plants he ordered. When he disappeared shortly after my daughter’s second class started my girlfriend told me he had to get his poinsettias and then go to hockey. That also explained to me why he changed picking up our daughter on Tuesdays.  His hockey schedule changed.  His change meant that I could no longer participate in my run group that I was part of for the last 5 or 6 years every Tuesday night.

He texted me the next day, yesterday, and it happened again that he sent a message, I responded and before I could respond he sent another message at the same time that got buried behind my response.  When I mentioned that he didn’t respond to my question he became very belligerent. He asked me if I was taking so many medications that I had an inability to read.  He said I only look at the negative and complain about everything. He criticized me comparing me to people in my life he thought were negative and then chastised me for not being more like other people in my life that he named as being positive. He said that I asked him not to text me but I spent our daughter’s dance class texting. He accused me of doing it on purpose because I like everyone to know what I am doing. He told me he thought I had bipolar issues. He said I waste a lot of my personal time on him for someone who is supposed to be happy and having the time of her life. He said that even though I tell him he is wasting my time I contact him a lot. He said that for someone who has moved on I am writing about him a lot. I claim one thing but do the opposite. Then he told me I was like a used car. I am a lemon and that he’s happy to get a new, better and improved model.  He said that getting rid of me almost 3 years ago was the best decision he ever made. He suggested that if I win my court case against him I should use the money towards a make over because I am in dire need. He then said he couldn’t care less what I look like because he is happy being with someone who loves him and our kids. He said I can spend thousands of dollars chasing my tail but money is meaningless. He assured me that when I act like an ass he will treat me like an ass.

Then today he texted me saying that he, Janice and Coast Claims are suing me for defamation for my blog. He said I have harmed their reputations by identifying them which has resulted in lost business opportunity. He said that I have made their case quite easy to win. They will be seeking damages and I may want to get some legal advice.  Then he ranted that I lost our older daughter’s passport photos and I lose everything, including my dignity and sanity.  He texted me again saying that my anger and bitterness has gotten the best of me and because of my blog, the statements I have made about him, Janice, releasing information that was confidential about Coast Claims and the employees is damaging and I am going to be sued and will pay financially very dearly for my repeated abuse. He told me to get myself a good lawyer because I am going to need it.

His final text to me tonight said they are all suing me because of our kids. A lawyer last night at their client Christmas party apparently mentioned the blog and the impact on the kids when they see it and this lawyer apparently recommended suing me. He said that his partners have wanted to for awhile so its really just good timing. He said that no one asked me to take down the blog. I was asked to remove personal and identifying information. Now they are going to ensure that happens legally and I will end up paying their costs and damages. I better get a job to pay for my legal fees and their award because they will enforce the award and if it means I will live on the street so be it. He told me to remember what I said about karma…It’s a bitch darling and now its your turn. Merry Christmas!!

 

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affairs, blogging, cheating, children, divorce, God, Identifying the other woman, Outing

The Purpose of My Blog

I started this blog in May 2013, 2 months after discovering that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker.

Reading their sexually explicit messages, reading them tell each other how much they couldn’t wait to be together and the future plans they were making, reading them telling each other “I love you”, reading about the things they had been doing together and piecing that into the way my husband was living his life with me and our children at the same time sends a lump to my throat even today as I think about it.

As if it wasn’t bad enough for me to have all of this information imprinted in my brain, it was imprinted in my 15-year old daughter’s brain as well. On top of my own grief I had a very angry teenager who would never see her dad the same way again.  I also had a 10-year old daughter who I was trying to protect from the bluntness of her angry, older sister; from the cold detachment of her father; and from my sadness for what was lost as well as my new fear for our future.

It was like a death.  Firstly, I knew it was permanent. What my children and I had was gone forever.  I knew I could never be with this man again. Secondly, when it happened, everyone was there for me and my children–visiting in person, travelling far to see us, sending or dropping off cards, letters, flowers, food; emails, phone calls, acts of service, etc. I knew how much I was loved by so many people. I felt strong, courageous and I was confident in my decision to end the marriage.  I was at peace, trusted in God’s plan and was hopeful for the future.

But like a death, everyone else goes on with their life and I was left with having to handle the grieving process in all of its stages; not just for me but for my children. I was left with still being responsible for taking care of bill payments, taking my kids to all of their activities and trying to find a way they could to do what they loved and to continue to keep that part of their life unchanged, all of the chores and maintenance (inside and out) that go along with 2 kids, 3 pets and a large home. I was literally a single parent with no support on any level.  Both my kids had a lot of difficulties but my older daughter suffered the most.

I actually only had 4 friends who had been divorced. Two involved infidelity. I have gained many more friends since who have undergone similar losses just through being open about our lives, but at the time I started my blog I felt very alone and very overwhelmed. The blog was just a way for me to journal.  I am a scrapbooker and I felt this was a life changing event that I needed to document. I was vulnerable, real, honest and writing from my heart. Very sad and difficult things were coming to light and the blog was a way for me to sort out my thoughts and to try and make sense of them.  I was reporting my observations and trying to understand my ex’s behaviour.

Although I was writing just for me, I soon realized that other people going through similar situations were reading my blog. Their offers of encouragement and support for me and my kids was so appreciated and helped me to keep moving forward. I was able to read other people’s experiences including that of trying to gain some insight from those who cheat. I hated that I was part of this community but I was so grateful for its existence. I was 100% authentic in everything that I shared and found that the more real and vulnerable I was with my thoughts, emotions and my situation that the more I benefited and the more I benefited others.

If you have never been betrayed by the person you love most and who you think loves you the most in the world, you will never understand the gut-wrenching feelings that exist when your heart is torn out.  Tears fill my eyes as I write and remember. I lost everything. I allowed our little family of 4 to be uprooted from our huge pool of friendships, our family and our church. Our entire support system was gone when we moved across the country. We knew nobody. We moved only so my husband could pursue his career aspirations. All I wanted was for him to be happy and for him to know that I would do anything for him and go anywhere with him .  I trusted that he loved me and our girls more than anything in the world.  I prayed specifically about our situation, sought advice and I have no regrets about the decision. I thought the experience actually knit us closer together.

I know people think it always takes 2 people for a marriage to disintegrate. In this case, it took 3 people. My husband never made me aware that he was unhappy. We rarely fought. We came together every evening as a family and spent weekends together doing family things. We always put our family first. My girlfriend just told me on the weekend that she had been jealous of my marriage. She said that we did so much together, had so much to talk about together and enjoyed spending time together. We never had marriage counseling because there didn’t seem to be anything seriously wrong. We were intimate together right up until 2 weeks before I discovered his sexting and the photos the other woman sent to him of herself. I was completely blindsided. We had been together 23 years and none of this made sense to me. I only felt my husband’s distance in October 2012 when he let me down in terrible ways and was inexplicably cruel.  He would apologize, we would make up, and then it would start again.

My post-separation experience was getting worse instead of stabilizing or resolving. I thought that my husband having had  the affair was the worst thing he could do to me and my kids but I was wrong.  He was being a selfish, neglectful father and a punishing ex-husband who was resisting efforts to reach a fair separation agreement. His obstinance continues.

In the past 28 months I have published 70 posts. I am hardly obsessed with talking about my situation. Many bloggers post daily or more. There were months I didn’t post at all.  As things happened that I felt were important in my journey, I reflected or reported in my blog. The other woman is part of my journey. I understand why she isn’t happy I posted her identity. Nobody wants to be exposed for shameful behaviour.  For me, it was important that I did.

I think by the entries I have published outlining the actions of my ex during this entire process and the comments  my ex recently made on my blog (under user name Happy) confirm that there is no reason that I would have any good will to extend to him. For my ex to then go to the extent that he did to try and bully me, shame me, harass me and lie about me all in the name of doing what is right for my children, only hardens my heart more against him. He came to my site to defend himself and the other woman and to cause chaos and attack anyone might have a differing opinion.

Why would I adhere to the request of unknown user names that were degrading and mocking me and pretending to be me and pretending to be friends supporting me? Lies and Deceit got us here in the first place. I don’t want anything to do with that type of behaviour and the people who carry it out.

The same is true for the other woman. If she had children, I never would have published that post. She certainly didn’t have my kids’ best interest in mind when she was pursuing their father and instrumental in the destruction of their family. To this day, she does not treat my children equally or put their needs above her own.  Perhaps if instead she came to me with some semblance of humility, acknowledging what she did and the hurt and the damage she caused me and my girls, and then sharing how me posting the information that I did has hurt her, I might have shown some compassion and deleted at least some part of it. Instead, she thinks by blaming me and putting me down that I will bow down to her. I don’t owe her anything. Yet, she feels justified in trying to hurt and damage me more?

I allowed them their say on my blog to be fair and for people who have been following since the beginning to understand and experience a little of what I have had to taste during this entire process. it is one thing to read about it from me but to experience it first hand makes the picture clearer. It is all part of showing the ugliness of divorce. This is my story and my experience. It is ugly. We were good people who I thought loved each other very much and now we don’t. I will leave up their comments. I didn’t edited any of them. But now I take back control and will delete any of their comments going forward.

There are so many lessons in real life underscoring the reasons to not cheat.  The possibility of getting caught may be part of the thrill but you never looked at the consequences of what could happen if you did get caught. You screwed around with my life and the life of my kids and at the same time you thought it was fun to screw around with my husband. Now you are exposed. I hope by me shining it under a light it may be a reminder to you to find your thrills in places that don’t ruin lives. If your life is ruined now too, as a result of my post, consider it your own doing. I never invited you into my life. You opened that door all on your own.

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adultery, blogging, bullying, cheating, divorce, Falsehood, Fraud, Janice Andrews, lies, the other woman

Bullying, Mobbing and Heroes and Heroines

I have had more than 125 comments flood my inbox in the last 2 days, most of them over the last day. They are in response to my ex discovering my blog and using a posse of coercers to try and pressure me to shut it down.

Although it turns out he is only trying to make it look like a posse of coercers. He is in fact both Sally and Happy and it is the same person who is Devil’s Advocate, Winner Winner Chicken Dinner, Two Wrongs don’t make a right and WTF. Once a deceiver always a deceiver. Perhaps Azif, Troubles Brewing and Silly Sally’s Sister are separate coercers. Then there is Chris who is pro Janice but seems to be separate. He knows them but doesn’t seem to be exactly on side.

The comments range from being crude, offensive, mocking, coded with inside jokes and innuendos between the fake commentators, defamatory, baiting, and all of them for the most part identify me and where I live (I’ve never hidden where I lived).

The definition of bullying involves “using superior strength or influence to intimidate someone typically to force him or her to do what one wants.” Synonyms include: persecute, oppress, tyrannize, browbeat, harass, torment, intimidate, strong arm and dominate.

Wikipedia indicates that “Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power, which distinguishes bullying from conflict.[1] Behaviors used to assert such domination can include verbal harassment or threat, physical assault or coercion, and such acts may be directed repeatedly towards particular targets.

“If bullying is done by a group it is called Mobbing.”

“Bullying ranges from simple one-on-one bullying to more complex bullying in which the bully may have one or more ‘lieutenants’ who may seem to be willing to assist the primary bully in his or her bullying activities.”

I believe I am being accused of bullying by this posse because I posted the name of Janice Andrews and that she lives in Victoria, BC. There is no goal to intimidate her to do anything by that post. I was simply posting a fact. She cheated with my spouse and did so publicly. It is not even a private fact. She was not hiding her behaviour. She was using both of her work emails and work phone to engage in the affair. She used work functions and other social outings with my husband to display her behaviour.

I believe that my ex is however using bullying tactics in an effort to intimidate me to stop blogging. He has repeatedly stated my full name, maiden and married, along with where I live on every single post I have entered. He has attempted to contact me with false names under false pretences. He has encouraged other people to identify me and to contact me with false names and negative comments. He orchestrated an ambush of aggressive insults by several people over the course of an entire day. Or at least he tried to make me believe that was what was happening when it was possibly only 2 people the entire time pretending to be 6 different people. They both also attacked anyone who has ever supported me, encouraged me or sided with me on any of my posts.

Amongst all of this appear some heroes and heroines. No one that I asked to come to my defence. No one that I have any relationship with outside of this blog. Some who called out Dave even as they ridiculed or admonished me. None the less they let Dave know he was not held in high regard and put the blame solely on his shoulders. They commented he lied to both me and Janice. (They seemed very pro-Janice). It could be another fake personality but Dave went begging this person trying to plead his case. I am mostly proud of Nephila, KCRambles and Whoresnotwelcome. They stood their ground and showed no fear or intimidation or waiver in their point of view.

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abuse, affair, anger, blogging, bullying, cheating, cruelty, divorce, the other woman, unfaithfulness

The ex finds my blogs and shares with his friends

I apologize for a bunch of nasty comments left by my ex, the other woman and their friends.

I deleted some horrific ones but I will just let them reveal themselves for who they are and then I think you will see that my experience as reported is on mark.

I think it is very low of them to be communicating with a 15-year old who’s parents are causing her a lot of emotional distress and who reached out to me for support. The lies they told her about my daughter being kicked out are very far from reality. I cannot control their actions but I will not let their bullying stop me from sharing my experience or trying to help someone else manoeuvre through their experience.

This is my journey, my experience and my truth. I am only reporting what is going on in my life as it relates to my experience with a cheating spouse and the legal system. This was never a blog about bashing my ex or the other woman. This was never a blog about trying to make me look good. I know I look very ugly with my responses and actions. This is the reality of a nasty divorce and being on a path I never expected to be on.

This was a forum where I could share my experience. I had never blogged before and had no idea how to do it or how many people I would meet going through similar experiences. Everyone has been so kind and generous with support, compassion and advice. These were private, vulnerable posts. These were never meant to be seen by my ex.

It was pointed out to me by several professionals and friends throughout the last 2 1/2 years that I was in an abusive relationship. I have never posted the emails that would likely confirm this. It might be very difficult for me to go back and read those. I am told I may still be protecting my ex and that I may even be in denial about the abuse as I defend him sometimes for the cruel things he said to me. I had a friend share that she was horrified when we went out to dinner as couples one night. She shared that the mean things he would criticize me about were not funny and yet I would laugh as though it was a joke. I would never want his children to see the things he wrote to me and I did share with a handful of my friends about my blog so I might be embarrassed for them to see that as well. Now that my ex has discovered the blog and started posting things one friend contacted me telling me that she is afraid for me as she always considered my ex to be “dangerous”. She feels like I should contact the police because these are clearly messages meant to harass me. She texted me this morning saying, “You have had years of systematic emotional abuse by Dave…I’m really sorry.” She went on to say, “I’m worried about you and the girls.” It is clear he is continuing to try and abuse me emotionally and trying to use my blog against me.

Her advise is for me to take the blog off line. I think this is again part of my journey with my ex and it is being documented as such. I hope that anyone who happens upon my blog will learn from it. Maybe both people going through the break up can read this and say, “We do not want to be these people.” “We want to make better decisions and hurt as few people as possible through this process as well as protect our children and our finances.”

Clearly by my ex and his friends posting my name, they do not care about my children being identified. As one blogger pointed out, they have now seen my Facebook page and photos of my children. I have no problem sharing my name and identity as I stand by what I write. I never exposed my ex’s identity as I never wanted my children to read these posts. Thank you Dave, Janice and friends for being so concerned about protecting children.

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