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The Journey we want to Disembark

Choosing a partner has life long consequences for everyone associated with the union. Some are impacted more directly, like the partners themselves, their children, their family and closest friends but everyone who is involved in the connection shares pieces.

Unfortunately, we can link in life to people who don’t love us or care what happens to us. They love themselves so much that they do what pleases them with no regard for who it effects. They may even consciously choose to harm us. When we try to save ourselves and protect our loved ones in the destroyers path it becomes impossible to unyoke from them.  For my children and me it has been 7 years! We may be able to loosen their grip but they hang around our neck weighing us down, refusing to let go and dragging us through the mud with them.

My older daughter (22) was asking me questions about why we are still stuck.  I told her some of the ongoing issues.  Her dad has a different story so I told her that she could read the court decision and make her own determination. My younger daughter (17 but will be 18 in two months) was present during the conversation. That was all that was said. I didn’t know if they read it or not. Later, I heard my older daughter say to my younger daughter, “How do you feel that dad won’t pay for your dance?” I wasn’t in the same room and didn’t hear her response.  It may have been a gesture but I don’t know.  My older daughter said to her, “Why don’t you ask him to buy you a pair of Tap shoes or something.” Her response was, “I’m not asking him for anything.”

I beg God to let me and our children out of this nightmare. I receive responses in different ways that allows me to trust in God, trust in his timing, trust in his plan for our lives and future.  I believe that God loves me and he loves my ex husband, equally.  I believe that he loves our children. I believe that God loves my ex husband so much and is so hurt and saddened by his path choice and where it has taken him and continues to lead him, that he allows him opportunity after opportunity to do the right thing even if those opportunities hurt me and our children. That is the difficulty in being dragged around on a partner’s journey.  We are trying desperately to jump off, This is my “for better or for worse.”  My kids did not make that vow but because they were born of our vow, they end up being unwilling participants cinched in on a ride they desperately want to end.

 

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abuse of power, child support, Family Law, infidelity, legal proceedings, Male abuse of power and wealth, special expenss, spousal support, Supreme Court of British Columbia

Apparently I am a Bar Joke

2019 ended with my ex sending an email acknowledging he owed me $117,000 in retroactive support payments but advised that his lawyer told him not to pay me unless I sign an order dismissing all outstanding matters before the court.  He also reduced his support payments to me by more than $700/month to put pressure on me to do this.

We have a mediation agreement in place that spells out exactly how he is to pay support. For 3 years he chose not to disclose his income.  I had no choice but to go to court in order for him to do this.  That forced him to disclose 2 years of income information and to file his taxes for the 3rd year of income. He still failed, however, to disclose all sources of income as per the agreement so the judge gave him an additional 60 days to do that.  He did not.  Now we have to secure another court date.  It is clear from what has been disclosed that he at least owes $117,000 but he said he isn’t going to pay voluntarily.  He will wait for the judge to order that.

This is not a negotiable issue. We have an agreement in place since 2014 but as usual, even though he gloated about how much he “won” in that agreement, he still wants to play games and withhold support as a power and control move over me. His response:

“You’ve become a bar joke Robyn. People always have a horror story about divorce and the crazy ex’s and what they have to pay in support. No one can top me. I tell people to read the blog so they can see what type of person I’m dealing with. I tell people how much I pay in support and they are flabbergasted at what you do. That’s what you’ve become at age 53, a bar joke, and not much else.”

He’s got one thing right.  No one can top him.

He makes in excess of $225,000/year.  He won’t pay any portion of our daughter’s dance expenses even though he agreed this would be a special expense where we pay our share according to our income. He never paid a dime towards our pet expenses even though he agreed to pay 50%.  He hasn’t contributed a dime to support our daughter’s Global Perspectives trip to Tanzania where she has worked for 2 years in school to raise funds to build a library for a girls’ dorm.  He came to one meeting, signed the consent for her to go, made an appearance at one of the fundraisers (although apart from his $15/ticket he never gave any money to the cause or donated anything for the silent auction) and even though he knows exactly from the meeting the cost of the trip he still asked me twice to send over the information. (I actually have sent it at least 3 times and every time I followed up asking if he was forwarding his share of the payments to me he asked me to send the documentation again).  There are a lot of things she needs for this trip but all I asked him to contribute towards is the flight and hotel–$4800, $180 for the passport and $250 for vaccinations and malaria pills. He recognizes that the trip is considered an Extraordinary Expense under the Family Law Act for our daughter’s education and knows he is required to pay his share.  His response to me in December is that I can’t have my cake and eat it too. He wants me to sign the consent saying I won’t go after him for anything else he is responsible to pay, he will pay me the $117,000 and he will then consider paying me the trip (the expense was incurred after our court application was filed so it is not currently before the court, but we will now just add it).

If he wants to complain about what he has to pay in support, he should at least pay it. If he didn’t want to pay support, he never should have had an affair and left the marriage.  If he now spends his time sitting in bars telling his story to anyone who will listen then I suspect that 7 years after having an affair and destroying his family and everything we built together, that the grass is not so green on the other side.

 

 

 

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abuse of power, adultery, breach of contract, child support, court, divorce, Family Law, judgement, legal proceedings, marriage breakdown, single parent

Court Update

It is difficult to believe that it has been over a year since we applied to go to court and we still have no final resolution. This is the reality of dealing with a bitter ex who is not interested in resolving issues and dissolving the marriage. His behaviour from 7 years ago, when I first found out about his affair and we split immediately, has not changed. In all of his bluster, repeatedly admonishing at the end of each of his emails for me to move forward, he is the one who is stuck. He is either so damaged, broken and paralyzed that he cannot let go or he is just plain evil acting out against me and in spite of his children with vindictiveness, bullying, control, intimidation, anger and abuse of power. Whatever the reason, he is blind and cannot see.

When the final decision comes in, I will outline everything.  It is a stark warning for any couple who cannot work out their differences fairly and honestly with the best interest of the children, and the partner who stays with the children as the primary caregiver, in mind.

We appeared before the judge at the end of January 2019.  The judge released a partial decision in July.  It is common for a decision to take up to 6 months.  There are procedures in place if the decision has not been received by then but if you go to court don’t expect a quick outcome.

My ex was ordered to pay me $17,700 in back child support for our youngest child.  He was also ordered to pay Canadian Revenue Agency $8544.84 directly under my name for tax debt that he caused me by claiming he paid spousal support when he did not.

The mediated agreement that was put in place in November 2014 is the biggest regret of my life.  Part of that agreement allowed my ex to claim support he didn’t pay but he was required to pay any tax implication that claim created. He did not do it at the time it was incurred.  He needed to be ordered to pay this by a judge and as a result there is a large amount of interest outstanding. That is an issue that I may now have to deal with in another court with a tax lawyer. Calculating daily interest back to 2015 is another, separate issue.

At the end of our court hearing in January 2019, my ex was also ordered to continue to pay me $8000/month for child and spousal support.  This was the amount my ex voluntarily started to pay in December 2018 at the advice of his lawyer so he would not look as bad to the judge for not providing income information for the previous 3 years.  He knew that his income had increased substantially. He had been paying $2728/month.

We will likely not appear before the judge again until the new year.  I will go through the entire decision once it has been received in full.  I think it will be helpful to anyone considering court.  It should only be a last resort option for sure.  The entire $17,700 that my ex owed for support for our child went directly to my lawyer and it only paid for 50% of my outstanding legal fee.  Not to mention what I have paid in fees over the past 7 years and what my ex has paid.

It is clear that the financial burden of going to court is why many single parents left to care for their children are not able to hold their ex’s accountable for support payments. I think it is wrong for any spouse and parent to abandon their obligation to their family.  My conscience compels me to stand up for myself and my girls. It would be a disservice to me, my children and to society as a whole who ends up burdened in social services costs and the consequences of poverty and lack of hope, especially with our youth. That is a whole other blog topic.

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, ego, ex spouse, family, graduation, hypocrisy, Janice Andrews, marriage breakdown, separatiion, the other woman

What Reality do they Live–Parallel Universe?

Parallel Universe:

To say there was angst amongst our family prior to the grad is an understatement.

My grad daughter wrote a very mature group email to her dad and me simply expressing her wishes for the day and asking about the plans. Instead of responding to her direct questions my ex started to talk about me “suing” him; the “utter crap” I write in my blog; stating that I have “lied to the kids for years to gain favour”; that I have “lied for financial gain at (his) expense”; that “(his) parents are well aware of (my) actions and they have no interest in spending a second with (me)”;  that “you are disgraceful and will never sit at a table with my family again.” There is much, much more but you get the gist of his rant.

On top of this, I went to his place in person to talk to him.  He saw me and knew I was there yet he sent Janice to answer the door.  I asked to speak with Dave and she said, “No!” She shut the door and walked away. I simply left.  I have never gone to his place in 6 years to talk to him about anything.  As soon as I got home my grad daughter texted me asking if I went to Janice’s place to “confront” her.  Firstly, I didn’t know it was Janice’s place and that he moved in with her, neither did my kids. Secondly, confront her about what? Thirdly, my ex and/or Janice texted my child to involve her in something she didn’t need to know. He put our child in the middle yet again.  They told my grad daughter that I only knew he moved in with Janice because I hacked into one of his accounts. Then they texted my younger daughter accusing her of brining me to Janice’s place.  She knew nothing about it so now both my kids are terrified I am dying or something as they would never think I would go there unless it was a matter of life or death. Not only that, Janice Andrews called the police to report an “incident”. They wanted the police to call me to say that I wasn’t welcome at their place.

My kids were losing sleep, crying and extremely stressed over this entire grad fiasco. And yet when it was all over what does my ex write to both my children?  This:

Below was a post I read from a woman I’m a friend with on FB. Couldn’t have been said any better. 

When Mike and I divorced things weren’t pretty, feelings were hurt, on both sides…one thing I knew was in-spite of how we ever treated each other, or how ugly things got between us…I took a vow on the day I got married…”in good times and bad”. The bad had happened we divorced our family unit split up…why should that vow cease to matter in divorce? Ego should never be bigger than the love for our children and what is best for them…we don’t have the right to make them uncomfortable, or choose, or see their other parent painted in a bad light fueled by our hate.  I had an amazing day spent with my ex husband sharing “our” daughters graduation.  Family came together… My ex Father in Law and Mike’s ex Mother in law and we sat after all of us and enjoyed a meal together and family photos…creating more memories for our daughter to take along with her for a lifetime. It was her day..she earned it, worked for it…and that’s why we were there to celebrate her and that our efforts combined as her mother and father helped get her there and not create unnecessary obstacles and emotional long term damage along that journey of her life.  I am fortunate to have married a man that in divorce has been able to also put ego aside and love his daughter first and foremost and be a supportive ex husband and friend. Just because. Marriage ends a family does not…relationships don’t end, they change. Their dynamic changes…and we have to ask ourselves what you want that dynamic to look like and is my ego really more important than my child’s overall well being for a lifetime to come…do I want a life time hating and fighting and never winning battle. No body wins…not him, not me, not the children when you spread hate. Just because an ex may have been a bad wife, or bad husband doesn’t mean they are a bad parent…focus on rebuilding even better and not what was lost.  Thanks Mike for being an amazing dad and friend!”

Janice Andrews responded: “Beautiful” with a heart beside it.

My kids did not respond.

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adultery, children, family, graduation, Janice Andrews, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting after separation, separatiion

What Reality do they Live–the Preface?

The Preface:

My daughter graduated from university. My ex specifically tried to make it as strained and negative as he could for me failing to see how strained and negative he also made it for my children.

As previously shared, he planned a celebration; a celebration for him. There was no consideration of anyone else’s needs or wants; just his own. He insisted on being on the 9 am ferry to Vancouver the day before the grad. He refused to wait for my younger daughter to finish her first class at school, Math, her lowest mark.  She could be picked up at 10 from school as soon as her class was finished but he told her she had to go with me because he wasn’t going to wait for the 11 ferry. He also told her I had to drop her off at his hotel for 4 p.m.  She gave me a heads up about this a couple of days in advance and I made it very clear that I was not going to do that so she better make alternative plans with her dad. I was not allowing my ex to continue to think he could dictate to me what I was to do on his schedule without even asking me directly.  I also made it clear I was no longer going to cover up for his behavior. The gig was up.  At 21 and 17 years old, my girls are old enough to deal with the reality of their father.  I was no longer serving any of us by trying to protect my girls from hurt feelings.

My ex would not even tell her where his hotel was so I could see if it even made sense for me to accommodate him.  He only told her when we were in line for the ferry because he didn’t want me to stay at the same hotel.  I explained that it was opposite to where I was going.  I had dinner plans of my own with my 2 nieces and brother-in-law. Since my ex refused to allow me to be part of the my daughter’s graduation dinner I was certainly entitled to make alternate plans.

For 5 hours my daughter agonized and cried and was angry that he had no intention of picking her up from anywhere so she could meet them. She was angry at me that I wouldn’t drive her and she would not allow me to take her to the Skytrain to figure out how she could travel to get to her dad’s party. He finally told her at 3 p.m. that he would pay for a taxi for her to get to the patio where everyone was enjoying drinks. I took her to my hotel and arranged a cab.

The next day I arrived at my daughter’s campus at 7:30 a.m. for her 8:30 grad. My car died just when I arrived and had to be pushed into a disabled parking spot until after the ceremony. My grad daughter saw me and came over to say “hi” and to take a photo.  She placed her wallet and tea on top of my car and then texted her friend to see what she should do with her phone during the ceremony.  She ended up giving it to me and ran off to line up for her procession.  My other daughter was texting me that she and her dad were in line and needed to know the ticket numbers so they didn’t use my ticket. I quickly threw my stuff in my car and went to meet them in line.  I shared about my car trouble and my ex said, “It sucks to be you.”

I was surprised that my ex followed me so we could sit together.  I asked him and my daughter which door we should enter and they didn’t care so I went to the one with the least traffic.  We were directed to go to the end of the row so we were seated in the middle of a long row of people. The procession of faculty and honorees started and then the grads came in. We waved to my graduating daughter. She then signed to my younger daughter that she left her wallet on my car. My younger daughter failed to get the rest of the message. My grad daughter said it was no longer on my roof.  My ex however insisted that I needed to get up immediately to go find it. I actually considered this but there was no way I could get out without major disruption and the ceremony was starting.  He was livid I wasn’t going to go.  I told him that he could go and I told him my car was right out front.  He was so angry with this suggestion that my younger daughter was telling us both to be quiet to not discuss this further.  My ex then called me “a giant turd”.

When the ceremony was over my ex left to find his parents and his girlfriend,  the OW Janice Andrews. My younger daughter and I found my grad daughter in the rose garden and took pictures of her with her friends. When her grandparents appeared they were very cold towards me.  I was the one that said “hi” to them first.  I took pictures of them with my daughters using their camera. When my ex came he gave my daughter a card to call ‘Lost and Found’ about her wallet. It wasn’t there.  She burst into tears.  She was leaving the next day on a trip and had no ID, credit or debit cards now. I consoled her and said someone has it and it might just not have been turned in yet, not to give up hope and then I left to see if could do anything.  The security guard that had helped me with my car saw the wallet and held on to it thinking it was mine.  I brought it back to my daughter and we continued to take photos. While my grad daughter and I were having our photo taken I asked her if she would like a photo of her parents together with her and she said that would be nice.  Her dad joined the photo and then so did her sister.  I invited my ex’s parents to come in to the photo as well so she had a photo of her parents and grandparents but her grandmother instead said, “I would like a picture with Janice.” I left the photo and used my grad daughter’s phone to take those photos as well.

Afterwards, my younger daughter and I stayed on campus to await the tow truck and my grad daughter and her friend went back to her place by bus to pack for their trip.  I was going to hopefully pick them up and take them to the ferry pending my car operating.  My grad daughter texted me while we were waiting thanking me for being so nice to everyone.  I told her that I always am nice to them but she is just never there to see it.  When my ex, Janice and his parents come to my younger daughter’s dance or come to my house to pick her up I have never done anything or said anything. I have always been kind and courteous, took photos of everyone and even would take my mother-in-law to see my daughter back stage before her show.

Parallel Universe–see next post……

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Uncategorized

Graduation Class 2019

We continue to await the judges decision.  This is required to move us forward financially in the settlement of our affairs but I don’t know if it will help my ex move forward emotionally.  Anger consumes him.  His rage spills on to anyone involved directly or indirectly in my life; our children, my employer, the accountant of my employer, and even the receptionist at our daughter’s dance studio.

Even though he sent me emails telling me that he would “throw me a bone” and allow me to work without deducting it from spousal support, when he found out from my daughter that I was working at a place he didn’t now about, he lost it.  He surveilled me.  He paid for him and his lawyer to take a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride to Vancouver to have my daughter swear an affidavit saying I was working.  He wrote my employer a threatening letter quoting excerpts from my blog. The content of the letter had my employer so disturbed she contacted the police.  When my employer’s accountant said they would handle responding to his letter, my ex was so incensed he tore a strip off of the accountant and ended by saying he hoped that he never had the pleasure of hearing from him again. He was so rude in an email response to the receptionist at my daughter’s dance studio she asked me if she should just take him off the email list. I told her I was so sorry but for our daughter’s benefit I felt that he should still receive all the emails so he knew the dance news, performance dates, locations, etc.

The latest thing that had him complaining to my younger daughter tonight pertains to our older daughter’s graduation ceremony next month.  His parents and his girlfriend want to be at her ceremony too.  My younger daughter initially told me a few weeks ago that her dad was planning a dinner but (and she said this kind of sheepishly and embarrassingly) “I don’t think you are invited.”

Hmm, I was the one who supported her on every level during her school years. I went to all the parent meetings, volunteered, field trips, parent committees, etc.  I contributed to her RESP (that my ex collapsed at some point, lost the government yearly grant, thousands of dollars, as a result and still hasn’t conveyed where the money went including the money saved for our younger daughter); I paid for her rent while she was at school during her 2nd, 3rd and 4th year and paid for her groceries, clothes, toiletries, etc.; I paid for her travel back home, I physically moved her there and back between years and incurred that expense, and she lived with me for the 4 plus months between school years. Plus I paid for a full year of her private school in high school myself after my ex left. Even though we specifically moved her from the public system to the private system because she needed the help, he no longer wanted her to go there and said she could go back into the public system. Now he some how feels his girlfriend and parents have priority over me in celebrating our daughter’s graduation. (I am fine with his parents being there.  Mine wanted to come too as it is their first grandchild graduation but my step dad is currently undergoing treatment for cancer.)

My ex apparently told my older daughter that I could have lunch with her instead. I visited my older daughter in Vancouver a couple of weekends ago. She was feeling so much pressure and stress.  She was in the middle of her final exams, too.  I told her not to worry about it or to worry about me.  I would be happy to have lunch with her.  But tonight my ex was pressing my younger daughter asking where we were staying in Vancouver. She said she didn’t know (it is over a month away, I have arranged nothing).  She asked where he was staying because he told her that he was booking a room for his parent’s tonight, too.  He refused to tell her because he thinks I will stay at the same place and that “your mother will try to pull something.”

He was telling my younger daughter where he had made a reservation for dinner the night before the grad. He seems to think that he will tell my younger daughter the time and place and that I will bend to his schedule and drop her off at the place of his choosing, the time of his choosing and pick her up afterwards.  He might be rethinking this whole thing when he wants to drink with dinner and then realizes he has to drop her back off at my hotel wherever that might be and drive our other daughter and her best friend who is going as well back to their place.

It is over a month away.  I haven’t even considered where I may stay.  My older daughter had asked me to stay with her but I think it will be too cramped because her best friend is going to be there, too and I don’t want her to feel badly leaving me at her place while they go out to the grad dinner her dad is planning.

I have my other daughter to consider as well.  Going over early will affect her school and dance schedule that she said she doesn’t want to miss. Plus I have work.  We will take the ferry over the night before because the ceremony is at 8:30 a.m. but I don’t know what time is realistic for us to be able to arrive.

My goal is for my older daughter to feel loved, celebrated and honoured for all the hard work she put into getting her degree. It is a shame that her dad cares way more about what he wants. He doesn’t even have the courtesy or maturity to talk to me about how to ensure the day is a success for our older daughter and that our younger daughter doesn’t feel like an outsider or responsible to coordinate his plans with my plans and worry about being a burden to get to places.

It would be so nice if my ex could use this time symbolically to graduate on as well. It has been more than 6 years since I found out about his affair and he left. I have zero emotion over him.  Any emotion stems from the frustration of him dragging this on at every level and wasting so much of our time, energy and money. I am steady though. Some say emotionless especially since many have had a taste of his reactive, angry craziness.  It is just like cleaning the cat box and picking up dog poop. It is what it is.

It does however baffle me why Janice Andrews feels she has any place to be at my daughter’s grad and her family celebration.  She participated 0% in the raising of my daughter and her schooling.  In fact, my daughter’s well-being was the furthest thing from her mind when she was screwing her dad and tearing her family apart.  Janice studies selfishness. Family history bores her. She cheats to move ahead in the world or at least in her mind that is what she has to do to succeed in her life.

My daughter almost lost her education as a result of Janice’s intrusion into our lives. My daughter had and continues to have many struggles because of Janice and her dad’s cheating and his continued behaviour and complete absence of parenting.  They educated my daughter in the crappiest part of humanity and ethics.

My ex never cared about grades. He was proud in his attitude about his marks–” ‘D’ for done because no one asks or cares in the end”.  He didn’t complete college. He didn’t complete his marriage, parenting responsibilities, vow to God–I wouldn’t take his philosophy course–it doesn’t seem to be working for him.  They both get a big F in my books.

 

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adultery, divorce, Family Law, Janice Andrews, legal proceedings, marriage breakdown, spousal support

It is all in the Judge’s hands

Court is finished for now.  There is a lot of material for the judge to review before making his ruling.  He did, however, make an order for my ex to start paying me $5300/month more than he had been paying me.  He commented that there is no chance of my ex over paying pending his decision as there are “significant arrears”.

My ex never showed his face in court.  His lawyer attended on his behalf and just read from my ex’s affidavit.

They did try some dirty tricks. My ex hired a private investigator to surveil me the week before our hearing.  He and his lawyer also travelled to Vancouver the day before our hearing getting my older daughter to swear an affidavit against me.  The judge did not allow these documents to be entered.  He commented that having a child, even an adult one, swear against another parent can cause significant, long term damage to the family.  He also found them to be irrelevant.

This was all done for the purpose of trying to sully my character to the judge. My ex also quoted my “scornedwifeblog” in his affidavit and his lawyer read the example title “How to Handle Hoes like Janice Andrews”. It is a very benign entry just relaying a Beyoncé story but it was chosen to try to embarrass me. Two ways that I think this backfired: 1) Now the judge knows that my ex is the cheater which is another strike against his moral character. 2) The blog, that my ex has tried so hard to get me to halt, is now documented in the Supreme Court of Canada, specifically highlighting Janice Andrew’s name. people bringing you down quote

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