adultery, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, separation

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time

My daughter is home from school sick with the flu so we decided to catch up on a bunch of ‘Once Upon a Time’ episodes from last season.

In the episode that we just watched, Snow White was asking the Evil Queen to keep a secret for her. Her reasoning was this:

“Because when you betray the people you love, when you make them see the worst parts of you, what you’ve done changes everything. There’s no going back. You’ve shattered the bonds you’ve worked so hard to forge. The stronger those bonds once were, the more difficult they are to put back together. If they can be repaired at all.”

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adultery, affair, children, divorce, moving

Happy Birthday Move

June 25 was my birthday. It was also my move day.

The day started with my ex texting me wishing me a happy birthday and asking me if I would be going to our older daughter’s grad dinner the next night. I had initially planned on going, 4 days before it was to happen, even though the timing was terrible. Our house closed the day of grad dinner at 5:00 p.m. I was moving the day before and was planning on just leaving the close day as my cleaning day but based on past move experiences I was aware of the potential for unforeseen glitches.

In the weeks leading up to our move, I had no help from any of the 3 other people responsible for the accumulation of stuff that was in the house. I alone was placed with the burden to pack and move everyone else’s things. I had garage sales, took items to auction, posted items for sale on line, consignment, donation, friends, the dump, etc. but the pile remained. It was 23 years of life with someone else, 17 years of one daughter’s things and 13 years of another. It included stuff given to us when my ex’s grandmothers past away and when his parents downsized to live in their cottage as well as items boxed up and moved here when my mom passed. t included boxes that had never been opened by us when we moved here 7 years ago. Yet no one else wanted to take responsibility for going through boxes, making decisions about what to keep and throw out and actually packing those things and taking them with them.

4 days before my oldest daughter’s grad dinner (I went to her grad ceremony the night before and took her, her sister and even my ex to dinner afterwards because he bought my grad dinner ticket), she parroted her dad. I asked her to come and sort through her boxes to see what she wanted to keep and take with her to her dad’s place or university and what she wanted to discard. She told me that if she was going to be “forced” to come over I better have her boxes out and ready to go through and not waste her time. I told her that I needed her to come with an attitude to help and that she at the very least could take responsibility for her own belongings. She told me that by her not helping it would teach me not to procrastinate and that I was only trying to get someone else to do my work for me. I reminded her that in the days leading up to the move when she knew I had a zillion things to do that she had no problem asking me to do things for her. I was driving her around to get her grad dress altered, her eyebrows threaded, and other errands she had asked me to do with her between my own appointments with lawyers and packing and getting rid of unwanted items. She never showed up to help.

My birthday move, however, was going well. A friend showed up at 8:30 a.m. with a big box of giant garbage bags and an Iced Capp from Tim Hortons. Another friend showed up with cookies for me. Another friend went to school and picked up my daughter and her friend for me (last day of school and the kids only had to go for 1 1/2 hours). The movers arrived. Friends came to help clean and pack up last minute items. My youngest daughter’s friends came and helped her finish up her packing and cleaning her bathroom and bedroom. I had a ton of birthday phone calls, emails, texts and Facebook messages that I was too busy to respond to or acknowledge until 4 days later. A friend brought pizza and a birthday cake over for dinner and anyone who was around stayed and we had a little party. Another friend brought me tiny donuts still warm from the Sidney Summer market. (My friends know me and my sweet tooth very well). Another couple of friends came and moved my t.v. and computer as the cable/internet provider was coming to my new place to hook things up the next day.

It was a long, busy and tiring day but through it all I felt loved and supported. I felt very happy to be physically moving on to the next chapter in my life.

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affairs, Betrayal, cheating, confrontation, control, deceitfulness, divorce, follow your gut, moving on

I May Run Slow but I Don’t Run Back

My ex ran with me once. We ran a 10K route around a couple of lakes near our home. It was very hot I remember. I also remember his description of my pace: “turtlish”.

We separated March 1, 2013 and on Mother’s Day that year we had a phone discussion about the possibility of reuniting. He told me, “I will have to be gone a long time.” Thinking he meant we couldn’t just go back to co-habitating after his affair I confirmed that I didn’t want him back living with me. I made it clear it would be really difficult for me to have him back at all let alone be with him intimately. He agreed that would be difficult for me but seemed far more concerned that I confirm to him that we did have a really good sex life. I found that odd since he was the one that had the affair, not me. He thanked me for talking to him and acknowledged how hard it must be for me to listen when he was acknowledging some of the lies he told me and where he was instead. We followed up our call with an email just confirming it was good to be talking.

The next evening, Monday, I was trying to get in touch with him about picking up our children on Tuesday to spend time with them. His cell phone kept going straight to voice mail and I had never experienced that before. It made me think that maybe he was talking to someone else. Would he really be talking to the other woman after our conversation the night before? Maybe he was breaking things off with her.

On a hunch, I opened the phone book and called the “Andrews” listed in the book that had an address in the area of the Starbucks where they would habitually meet. Remember I had copies of the text messages between them and one confirmed they were meeting at Starbucks and reconfirmed by my ex, “the one by your house”.

I called the first number I thought was in the area thinking I might get a busy signal. It rang, so if this was the right number my ex wasn’t on the phone with her. A man answered the phone. “Hi, Is Janice there?” I asked politely. “No she isn’t”, he said. I was shocked. “Janice Andrews lives there?” I asked. “Yes”, he replied. “The one who works for the M of S,” I asked. “Yes”, he said. “Who are you?” I asked. “I am her husband,” he replied. “Who are you?” he asked. “I am the wife of the man who is fooling around with your wife”, I said.

At around 11:00 p.m. my ex contacted me seeing that I had called his cell phone. He didn’t answer my calls because he was at a movie with Janice. Wow, I guess he felt he “needed to be gone a long time” because he thought he would spend his days and nights away from me, his home, and his kids continuing his affair. I knew then and there I would never look back again. I felt that resolve on March 1, 2013 when his response to me finding out about the affair was to walk out the door and not say a word to me and to continue on his trip to Vancouver with his friends. My gut, my decision on Day 1, my knowing in my heart and head as well, that this man was a complete fraud that I wanted nothing to do with ever again, was reaffirmed.

Since then I have made it clear to him that we will never get back together. He has sent numerous emails and texts over the last 2 years giving reasons why he thinks that I must still want him back. He did this as recently as last week, March 3, 2105. The day before that I tried to turn up the volume on expressing my feelings for him to help him get the message.

I texted on March 2, 2015: “The way you continue to live is repulsive to me. You are repulsive to me. There is nothing about you–your character, your lifestyle, your parenting, your choices, your personality, your looks, your employment, money, nothing that makes me desire you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Say what you want; think what you want. I am not interested in you on any level. It is your narcissistic personality, your ego, your id that makes you believe I am angry and haven’t moved on emotionally. You are correct in saying you couldn’t be a good husband to me and I deserve better. I think you said that out of false humility or maybe your super ego is coming through. I don’t know if you recognize what a creep you are or what but I am so done caring.”

He is a little “turtlish” in his understanding that I do not want him back.

The divorce process for me has also been turtlish. My ex tries to manipulate and control everything even when, financially, things are so in his favour. This is my marathon. I am tired, have a lot of chafing and blisters, but all I can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward, until I cross the finish line.

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affairs, divorce, God, mediation, sin, Spiritual, worldly

What colour is this dress?

Have you seen the dress everyone is talking about? It is black and blue yet a photo of it taken in a different light shows it to many people to be gold and white. What is really interesting is that you can get a group of people around the same photo and some see it as gold and white while others see it as black and blue.

The Explanation: “Light enters the eye through the lens—different wavelengths corresponding to different colors. The light hits the retina in the back of the eye where pigments fire up neural connections to the visual cortex, the part of the brain that processes those signals into an image. Critically, though, that first burst of light is made of whatever wavelengths are illuminating the world, reflecting off whatever you’re looking at. Without you having to worry about it, your brain figures out what color light is bouncing off the thing your eyes are looking at, and essentially subtracts that color from the “real” color of the object. “Our visual system is supposed to throw away information about the illuminant and extract information about the actual reflectance,” says Jay Neitz, a neuroscientist at the University of Washington. “But I’ve studied individual differences in color vision for 30 years, and this is one of the biggest individual differences I’ve ever seen.” (Neitz sees white-and-gold.)

Could it be the same way with our view points?

For 23 years, my ex and I seem to have seen the same view of the world reflected back to us. We have seen it through spiritual eyes and we have seen it through worldly eyes. Together, I felt, we tried to do good and contribute to the universe in a positive light. We tried to represent and stand for right. We gave sacrificially of our time and our money. We partnered together to do what was best for meeting the needs of our children, our families, our friends, our community and even strangers. It wasn’t always what we wanted to do but we put our own selfish desires aside so much of the time acting on faith and trusting in God that as long as we did what was right we believed that we too, would win in the long run, and the world would be better for it.

When did my ex start seeing the world through his own selfish eyes instead of God’s eyes? When did his visual system that was supposed to throw away false information fed to him by Satan stop extracting information about the actual reflectance of God? When did he stop being able to distinguish gold and white from black and blue?

Why does it surprise me then when his vision is so cloudy that for more than 2 years he makes decisions to only take care of his own wants and desires. Why does it surprise me that he doesn’t pay child support, spousal support or pay any percentage of his children’s activities and medical/dental expenses? Why does it surprise me that even when in mediation he agreed to pay a specific percentage of the pet expenses, he doesn’t? Why does it surprise me that he allowed his life insurance to lapse even though he agreed in mediation not to let that happen. He chooses instead to leave me and his children with a huge exposure so that if he were to die today my kids have no financial support for their future, no education money, and I am left with the burden of all of his debt? Why does it surprise me that even though in mediation he agreed to close out our joint bank account immediately he never has and I am the only one who has put money in that account to cover our joint expenses? On top of that, why does he think it is okay to access that account using my money to pay for his own personal bills? Now that I am not putting any money in there why does he think it is okay to not put back what he stole from me, pay off the overdraft so we can close the account and not incur any more wasted service charges? Why should I be surprised that he will not allow any of the funds from a property we sold together to be disbursed equally between us so I can pay my bills, the ones he isn’t contributing to and should be? And especially why am I surprised, when an oversight was made in mediation leaving me responsible for all of our pre-separation debt, why does he not acknowledge that isn’t fair and agree to pay his 50%? This would resolve our current dispute, allow us to move forward, stop the waste of legal expenses, allow for a more equitable settlement and it would be the right thing to do.

I do not recognize the person my ex has become at all. I only see black when I look him. There is definitely no gold. I concur with Neitz. This is one of the biggest individual differences I, too, have ever seen!

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affairs, cheating, children, control, debt, divorce, family

Dick of a Dad

Confirmation that my husband made a conscious choice to not just leave me but to leave his kids is in the way that he continuously handles his responsibilities for them. He doesn’t.

Surprisingly, Valentine’s Day weekend was the first weekend in almost 2 years that there wasn’t an issue with him picking up my youngest daughter from dance on Friday night and having her for the weekend. He at least picked her up. Usually I get a text saying that he can’t get her because he has hockey (at this time of year), a golf game, business function, he’s away for the weekend, etc. If I ever say I have plans so I can’t get her for him his standard response is “figure it out” because he won’t be there.

She stayed over night at his place on Friday but when I came home from my Valentine’s Day dinner all of the lights in my house were on. I expected her to be in her bed but she was across the street at her friend’s house where she stayed over night. He had taken her to Wendy’s for dinner (saw the drink cup on my coffee table) and she told me Sunday morning he dropped her off at 6:30 p.m. because he had Valentine Day plans. He picked her up at noon on Sunday for lunch, took her to dance practice for 1:30 p.m. and dropped her back home when she was finished, around 2:30 p.m.

When it comes to paying his financial responsibilities for the kids that still hasn’t changed. He doesn’t. He is responsible for paying 70% of the special expenses. This includes my daughter’s dance. He has not paid one dime in 2 years for these expenses or any expenses for the kids (although now that my oldest is living with him he contributes to her living expenses but she still contacts me because she won’t go to her dad to tell him the items she really needs). I pay support for her which is deducted from the amount he is supposed to be paying for our youngest daughter.

In mediation he agreed to pay 50% of my daughter’s dance expenses until our house is sold, then he will pay 70%. That hasn’t happened either and since our mediation 4 months ago he owes me $2005. This sum also includes money that he went into our joint account, where I am the only one who puts money in, and paid his personal bills. In mediation he agreed to come to the bank with me so we could close our joint account. He hasn’t done this either. I am going to the bank today to show them he is stealing from me and to see if they will close it without his signed authorization. If we want to still have house insurance I will have to move that joint expense to my personal account. The other thing he agreed to do in mediation that he hasn’t is to maintain a life insurance policy. If he were to die, I would be left with huge debt, no spousal support, no child support and the kids would have no money for extra-curricular activities, medical expenses, orthodontist expenses, education, weddings, etc.

I can’t understand how this man cares so little for his family, to the point he seems to hate his family, that he leaves us with a huge exposure to be financially devastated if he were to die. It is $61/month for him to have $500,000 worth of coverage. Before we separated, he maintained $750,000 of life insurance coverage.

My daughter has her first performance of the year this Saturday. Dress rehearsal is Friday so costumes have to be picked up and paid for by Thursday at the latest. Her dad knows this. He was copied on the invoice from the dance studio. I followed up with him by email, text and voice mail. He failed to give my daughter a cheque for 50% tonight when he was with her. I do not let my kids know that daddy doesn’t pay support for them or pay any of his other financial obligations to them but my daughter knows that mommy can’t pay 100% of the costume fees this time. She texted her dad (she refuses to call him) and his response was “Mommy’s paying.”

So more money wasted on contacting my lawyer, to contact his lawyer, to deal with this. In the meantime, my younger daughter is caught in the middle again. I don’t know if my ex is oblivious to how this effects her relationship with him but he truly doesn’t care. He thinks he is punishing me but the stress this puts on my daughter is cruel and the strain it adds to their relationship is not easily repaired. Come her next weekend with her dad I will be the one hearing the battle cry on why she shouldn’t have to go to his place for the weekend and I will be the one trying to encourage her to have a relationship with a man who would probably be happier to do anything else but spending time with his kids. (My oldest daughter is never there on the weekends. She told me she stays at her dad’s place because he is never there and she can do whatever she likes).

Did he ever loves his kids or was that an act, too?

Dance is our youngest daughter’s passion. It is what she wants to do as a career. It is her only extra-curricular activity and it is a commitment we made together prior to our separation to support her in this. This year she has had to cut back on the dance that she normally would have been enrolled in due to our financial situation.

Dad has a ticket for the show. I suspect he is bringing his girlfriend because he asked both my girls to find out which shows I am going to be at. I am always at every show. That won’t change. I am the one who will be putting in the required parent volunteering hours for the show as well. He will just look the supportive role by being there. What he presents on the outside is a sham.

I wonder how he would feel if our daughter was the only one not in costume. Narcissists don’t like public shaming. I almost wish that would happen and if I can’t pay for the costumes would they really do? Would they re-arrange the dance without my daughter? The problem is that it would be my daughter who would be the one to suffer. I am doing my best to keep that from happening but the dick has a hard heart and keeps rising to prove himself as just that–a dick, who does what he thinks he needs to do to ensure that no one but him has a happy ending.

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affairs, divorce

Happy Valentine’s Day!

While my husband was having an affair he brought me a dozen, red, long-stemmed roses and gave me a beautiful card for Valentine’s Day. He brought both of our daughters a rose as well. I had little gifts and cards for our girls from both of us. I made dinner for him and the kids and we had a lovely family meal although I felt that he wasn’t acting particular grateful or appreciative of my effort or fond of what I made. I baked a special dish I had never made before, horse radish encrusted salmon, that we always ordered from a restaurant we used to eat at together, Blues Bayou Café. We had wine. I bought a special decadent dessert for us all to enjoy. I gave him a sexy card and some fun flavoured lubricants. We enjoyed an intimate night in the bedroom afterwards.

Who knew he was buying his girlfriend a Valentine’s Day card at the same time he was buying me one. He bought her jewellery. Three days following Valentine’s Day we went to an art showing where our oldest daughter’s art work was being displayed. He met us there, left us there, and took his girlfriend out for dinner, wining and dining her with his gifts. He came home to us afterwards.

I found our anniversary card from 5 months before Valentine’s Day. He wrote in it: “Happy 18th wedding anniversary. Every year just keeps getting better and better.” He was in an affair within 3 months of writing that card. I shared that with him after discovering the affair and asked him why he said that when he was now telling people he hadn’t been happy for 8 years. He said, “You can only hope.”

So many falsehoods I’d later discover.

This Valentine’s Day, 2015, for me involves dinner with friends at a new restaurant. Drinks and a fun, getting to know you, card game with 2 other couples and my date, before dinner. Then the hot tub and cheesecake after dinner at one of the couple’s home.

Prior to the evening, I am going to be showing love to me. After having been so mistreated I am finding it important to take the time to do things that give me pleasure. Not the hedonistic, selfish kind of pleasure, but something that lets me know I care for and love me. If I wanted roses, I’d buy them for myself. If I wanted jewellery, I’d buy my own. None of that is important to me. Instead, I will be spending time doing what I love, eating foods I enjoy and treating myself to pampering.

All I can do is give love. I can’t control other people’s response back. I don’t know their motives, whether they are pretending or their true feelings. That is their issue, not mine. It is hurtful to feel that my husband didn’t want my love. What I think was more the problem was that he wanted my love, used my love, wanted more of my love but it was never enough. I could never give enough; I could never do enough; I could never be enough. He sought love and attention from any where else he could get it (as I discovered was more than just the affair with Janice) and in order to get that love he would be the person he needed to be. A double life for sure. That is the person I was not prepared to be married to any longer. That is the type of person I knew clearly I could never trust again.

It is nice to be shown love in special ways on February 14 by those who are closest to us and to get surprises from unexpected sources of love, too, but let’s remember to practice self-love. Let’s meet our own needs and reward and treat our self just for being instead of waiting for someone else to meet those needs for us. We are worthy. When I make myself feel great, I am much more mindful of how others make me feel and more likely to question whether they are people I really want in my life.

The Law of Attraction supports that what we put out into the universe comes back to us. Loving ourselves; loving others; is a great place to start. I am wishing for the feeling of love that one might want expressed to them on Valentine’s Day to be returned back to them every day of the year.

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affairs, Betrayal, cheating, control, domestic abuse, God

Authentic Love

Prior to Katy Perry singing “By the Grace of God” at the 2015 Grammy Awards tonight, Brooke Axtell made a speech in reference to surviving domestic violence. This is an excerpt from what she shared:

“Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse. If you are in a relationship with someone who does not honour and respect you I want you to know that you are worthy of love. Please reach out for help. Your voice will save you. Let it extend into the night; part the darkness. Let it set you free to know who you truly are: valuable, beautiful, loved.”

I didn’t even know I was in an abusive relationship. It was verbal, mental and emotional torture. I know that I felt devalued and unloved many times but it has taken friends and professionals and the distance of separation to make it clear. I had friends say that I would laugh things off that were so mean, degrading and not funny at all and that their husbands would never say or do things like mine did.

Some of the things he has texted me recently are as follows:

‘You are sad and pathetic; you can’t move on and look pathetic for it; your older daughter already sees how pathetic you are and your younger one is not far off; even your friends are falling by the wayside; you’re an idiot; #crazylady; hypocrite; figure it out tubby; what a fat cunt you are; fuck you; spoiled bitch; fuck you and figure it out; mom of the year; take a look in the mirror Broom Hilda; you ain’t what its all cracked up to be; ole miss big mouth forgets how hypocritical she sounds; hey rockstar, learn how to use your phone; you’re such an awful example of not only a mother but a person; if anything happens to (our daughter) it will be all your fault; and how dumb are you; it’s no wonder the kids are damaged; you really have some mental issues; it’s no wonder the kid hates your guts; go put another cookie in your mouth; Waaaaaa! Waaaaaa! Waaaaaaaa!; keep your opinions to yourself because I don’t want or need to hear them. That’s why we’re divorcing…so I don’t have to hear them any longer; angry ex-wife; get the story straight before you beak off; my truth is fuck off; get the facts and shut the fuck up; you are a vindictive money grabbing angry sad sack of a being; you’re a joke; what a two-faced hypocrite you are; you’re delusional; don’t put your big nose in our daughter’s business; you aspire to do nothing with your life; the smartest thing I ever did was leaving you.”

I haven’t gone back and looked at emails but I remember him calling me a “waste of skin”, telling me I need to do something with my appearance, too bad I let myself go; have another slice of cheesecake; I needed to wear makeup; my life has no purpose; calling me Einstein, etc.

I know I started to push back in the months before I found out about the affair when he said my food “tastes like shit” in front of the kids.

There was no authentic love from my husband towards me. However, I have made the decision that I will not be shamed, silenced and abused by him any more. I told him by text on January 21, 2015, after a harassing phone call that had no purpose other than to abuse, that if he continues to call or text me I will get a restraining order against him. His response: “Hahaha”. I haven’t had any phone calls or texts since.

I am worthy of love. I am lovable. I am loved by God and see him working in my life showing me his love every day. I am loved by many, many people who show me love with their actions, words, gifts, service and affection every single day. I have tons of friends and I am a very good friend. I have value and I am beautiful inside and out. I know who I truly am. Authentic love does exist in my life; just not from my ex.

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