adultery, cheating, divorce, infidelity, Male abuse of power and wealth, moving on, other woman

40-Day Sadhana Practice

I am participating in a Sadhana challenge. This is a daily spiritual practice to support clarity on my San Kalpa (personal intention) and align my actions with my deepest and truest dreams and desires. A friend of mine is giving me direction and guidance that I can harness any way that I like. I will share more about the practice and if anyone would like to follow I would be so interested to hear about your experience.

Today I didn’t even look at the direction until 6 pm. I spent the day helping a friend pack for a big move. It was my 3rd 7-hour day at his place over the Christmas break. When we sat down to eat dinner I saw that the title of today’s practice was “Pleasure, Presence, and Purpose.”

With respect to Purpose I was asked to notice what I feel when I move with a sense of purpose. What does it look like? Is it a feeling, is it how people respond to me? Is it engaging in a project that feels in line with a sense of who I am in the world? Just notice.

Volunteering and serving others is a huge part of my purpose. It is a part of who I am; it is what I do on a regular basis.

With respect to Pleasure the direction was to engage in something pleasurable today. After standing, bending and lifting for 7 hours it felt so good to sit down. I noticed how my muscles craved to be stretched. I mentioned to my friend that it had been 9 months since I soaked in a hot tub and I really missed it. Then I commented that I haven’t even had a bath in about 6 months. I decided that was what I was going to do for pleasure. But when I got home I felt too tired to even bother. I put away some Christmas decorations and thought about just going to bed when I found a pile of mail that I had set aside and forgot about. It was a month old. I opened one envelope. It was from my sister and was fat so I thought it was photos. I was shocked to open it up and find a package of bubble bath. She put a note on it with my name “Enjoy a day in the bath”. I immediately left the other mail, ran a bath with the packet from my sister, lit a candle and stayed there for a good hour. When I was finished I opened the box of my favourite chocolate that my daughter gave me for Christmas and ate 4 pieces enjoying it thoroughly.

With respect to Presence the direction was to simply take 10 minutes to notice–sensations, sounds, feelings, thoughts staying fully aware of what happens in that time. I did that in the bathtub. I was in awe of how my practice today was supported by surrendering to things unfolding. I thought of other very specific times in my life that the universe made it entirely clear to me what my next decision, action or step needed to be. I am very excited for what awaits me as I move forward into 2021.

adultery, cheating, divorce, God

Jesus Cheaters

After Dave’s scripture quoting on August 27, look what I found! Since Dave “Happy” is begging for a new post, this one is for him.

Time again for Jesus Cheaters

August 28, 2015 by Chump Lady

With Josh Duggar in the news, what with his Ashley Madison accounts, and recent 6-month sentencing to the ~~Gulag~~sex addiction re-education camp, I thought it was time again to trot out my post on Jesus Cheaters.

(Originally, this column was a spinoff of “Don’t Date This Person” in which I had forgotten Jesus cheaters and thus had to devote a whole column to them.)

Here’s to you, Josh! — Tracy

—

Could anything be more narcissistic than thinking you speak for God?

I realize the other major world religions have their versions of Jesus Cheaters too. Christianity doesn’t have the market cornered on hypocritical douchebags. But that said, I do think the New Testament lends itself to a certain sort of spackle that the disordered love to exploit.

So — you asked for it — here are the Jesus cheaters!

Phillip Forgiveness — God has spoken to Phillip and forgiven him, so I think you should too. Phillip forgives himself! So what’s your problem? He prayed on this! We’re all good! I think you need to cast out the demons of bitterness and get over it. Jesus told Phillip that’s what Jesus would do.

Holier Than Holly — Holly has slept with half the choir and most of the finance committee. She doesn’t understand why God made you so ugly that you can’t keep your man. She’s just trying to sustain these men from the affliction of your inadequacies. Holly considers herself a saver of marriages, really. If it weren’t for the Wake Up Call of Infidelity to make you realize how much you suck, you never would’ve tried to improve. You can thank her. I think you should.

Deacon Dan — Don’t let the sweater vest fool you. Dan’s a pervert.

Martyre Martha — You weren’t meeting her emotional needs. But Bob on the liturgy committee, he understands. You have such a dirty mind! They went to that hotel for BIBLE STUDY. Martha is a SPIRITUAL person, unlike you. Of course you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never wanted her to be happy. You’re jealous of her relationship with God… and Bob.

Ezekiel Love Bunny — Ezekiel would like a hug. And another longer lingering one. Maybe a kiss? Hey, Ezekiel is just that kind of guy! Friendly! Would you begrudge someone FRIENDS? You’re so withholding. Can Ezekiel help it if people like him better than they like you? Maybe it’s because you’re so uptight. You should work on that. He’ll be sending you some scripture to meditate on while he’s out with his “friends.”

Amazing Grace — God saved a wretch like her. Was she stealing opiates from sick people? Did she lift your wallet? Well, that’s all in the past. Why won’t you put her on the finance committee? Are you going to hold those youthful embezzlement charges against her? That was THEN. Before God’s grace! Don’t you believe in Grace?

Willy We’re-All-Sinners! An emotional assassin whose weapon of choice is the false equivalency. Did Willy cheat? Well you don’t load the dishwasher right! We’re all sinners. Ye without sin cast the first stone. You make mistakes too and we’re all equal before the eyes of God. Did he mention how much you SUCK at loading the dishwasher? Because you do, but he was too much of a Christian to mention it before.

abuse, affair, anger, blogging, bullying, cheating, cruelty, divorce, the other woman, unfaithfulness

The ex finds my blogs and shares with his friends

I apologize for a bunch of nasty comments left by my ex, the other woman and their friends.

I deleted some horrific ones but I will just let them reveal themselves for who they are and then I think you will see that my experience as reported is on mark.

I think it is very low of them to be communicating with a 15-year old who’s parents are causing her a lot of emotional distress and who reached out to me for support. The lies they told her about my daughter being kicked out are very far from reality. I cannot control their actions but I will not let their bullying stop me from sharing my experience or trying to help someone else manoeuvre through their experience.

This is my journey, my experience and my truth. I am only reporting what is going on in my life as it relates to my experience with a cheating spouse and the legal system. This was never a blog about bashing my ex or the other woman. This was never a blog about trying to make me look good. I know I look very ugly with my responses and actions. This is the reality of a nasty divorce and being on a path I never expected to be on.

This was a forum where I could share my experience. I had never blogged before and had no idea how to do it or how many people I would meet going through similar experiences. Everyone has been so kind and generous with support, compassion and advice. These were private, vulnerable posts. These were never meant to be seen by my ex.

It was pointed out to me by several professionals and friends throughout the last 2 1/2 years that I was in an abusive relationship. I have never posted the emails that would likely confirm this. It might be very difficult for me to go back and read those. I am told I may still be protecting my ex and that I may even be in denial about the abuse as I defend him sometimes for the cruel things he said to me. I had a friend share that she was horrified when we went out to dinner as couples one night. She shared that the mean things he would criticize me about were not funny and yet I would laugh as though it was a joke. I would never want his children to see the things he wrote to me and I did share with a handful of my friends about my blog so I might be embarrassed for them to see that as well. Now that my ex has discovered the blog and started posting things one friend contacted me telling me that she is afraid for me as she always considered my ex to be “dangerous”. She feels like I should contact the police because these are clearly messages meant to harass me. She texted me this morning saying, “You have had years of systematic emotional abuse by Dave…I’m really sorry.” She went on to say, “I’m worried about you and the girls.” It is clear he is continuing to try and abuse me emotionally and trying to use my blog against me.

Her advise is for me to take the blog off line. I think this is again part of my journey with my ex and it is being documented as such. I hope that anyone who happens upon my blog will learn from it. Maybe both people going through the break up can read this and say, “We do not want to be these people.” “We want to make better decisions and hurt as few people as possible through this process as well as protect our children and our finances.”

Clearly by my ex and his friends posting my name, they do not care about my children being identified. As one blogger pointed out, they have now seen my Facebook page and photos of my children. I have no problem sharing my name and identity as I stand by what I write. I never exposed my ex’s identity as I never wanted my children to read these posts. Thank you Dave, Janice and friends for being so concerned about protecting children.

adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, family, friends, God, support, vacation

Family Vacation

A week after discovering my husband’s affair, I still went on our booked March break family vacation.

It was supposed to be my husband, me and our 2 girls visiting his parents in Englewood, Florida for 2 weeks and then heading up to Orlando to Disney World and Universal Studios for week number three. I was traveling with our youngest daughter for the first week and my husband and our older daughter were joining us for the last 2 weeks. My younger daughter and I were going to visit my birth mom, step father, sister, brother-in-law and 3 nieces in Naples during our first week.

As soon as my husband learned we discovered his affair he sent me an email that read, “Cancel my flight.” My older daughter’s best friend ending up taking my ex’s place.

It turned out to be one the best vacations we ever experienced. We had so much fun. We did some crazy girl things we would never have done with my ex present. After the devastation my ex had just caused us we were more caring of each other, more open, honest, kinder and closer.

I felt like God was there all the way sending me little reminders of his love through friends, family, random incidents, my girls and their friend as well as my older daughter’s friend’s dad who came down and surprised us (he’s a pilot) treating us to an amazing dinner in Downtown Disney.

We also met an amazing man in the hot tub who was so kind and wonderful to all of us. He invited us to attend events with him that we wouldn’t have known about otherwise. He took my camera and snapped random shots of me and my girls. My younger daughter was always asking to go to the pool at 9:00 p.m. for our regular rendezvous with him and watched the gate eagerly for him to arrive. The pool caretakers allowed him to stay in the pool area after hours and to close up when he was done so it was midnight sometimes when we returned home (with our time change it was only 9:00 p.m.). He bought lanterns for all of us one night that we lit and wished on and released to the sky. He introduced us to his friends and we had great little parties. He made me feel desirable (although I did not attend his private invites I certainly considered it and my older daughter encouraged me to go!) We would talk for at least 2 hours every night and he gave a lot of attention to my kids. He kissed me (my daughter’s friend saw that one) and told me he thought I was the most amazing women and mother.

I also had so much support from my best friends from Ontario and it was a blessing to be able to get the support of my family and even in-laws in person at this life-changing point. It turned out that one of my best friends who just moved to Sarasota was only a 15 minute drive from my in-laws place. We talked on the phone daily and we visited often over the 2 weeks. My other girlfriend from Ontario flew down to support me and brought her daughter to be there for my daughter. My other best friend, who I have known literally all my life, changed her family vacation plans and drove completely out of their way with her husband and 3 kids just to give me a hug. My mother-in-law shared with me about my father-in-law’s infidelity and she told me how much she felt my pain. She assured me she knew exactly what I was experiencing.

If this vacation had not been planned before discovering the affair I wouldn’t have gone. It involved a lot of driving and one parent with 3 children had it’s challenges but I would not go back and change a thing.

I have since taken my children on several other mini trips and experiences. My ex was never really interested in travelling or doing anything new. It was always me that planned our trips and they were very detailed in nature. I made sure there were great experiences for everyone.

Now my younger daughter is enjoying what is becoming our annual camping trip. It is simple–a tiny cabin with bunk beds. She and her friend sleep on top and I am on the bottom. There is a table and 2 chairs, a mini fridge and microwave and a portable electric double burner that I can cook on. The girls are happy to help out cooking, doing the dishes, sweeping out the cabin and setting and clearing the picnic table where we eat. We do a mix of nothing and lots of things including visiting friends who are vacationing in the same camp park or close by, going to a lake for the day, the ocean for a day, mini golf, driving range, outdoor movie in a close by city, local events like sand sculpture competitions, movies in a friend’s trailer, movies outside our cabin, swimming in the watering hole, water slide, playground, shopping in a nearby town, and going for ice cream. My older daughter stays home now and gets paid to look after the pets and housesit plus she has 2 other jobs this summer.

Our expensive, flying vacations may be finished due to my financial situation but I like what we are doing equally as much. Time together building memories with some new experiences is what our family vacation has always been about. It is a core value to me and I will ensure our adventures together continue.

adultery, divorce, infidelity

Frustration!

I should be sleeping. But instead I am fuming over my ex’s need to fight, control, and to drag our dispute unnecessarily on and on wasting time, money and energy. For what? What is his pay off? It is interesting that his go to line to me is, “Move on.” Yet it is the one thing he simply can’t do.

I spent 2 1/2 hours with my lawyer today at $350/hour. She is equally frustrated with my ex’s refusal to follow through on any of our mediated agreements and it sounds like my ex’s lawyer is experiencing the same frustration with him. Bottom line: My ex doesn’t want to pay any money.

This is one of those cases that should have gone to court. My ex’s personality is not one of reason, fairness, justice or acceptance of responsibility. This should have been clear with the failed Collaborative process but I made the mistake of believing he really did want to put an end to this.

He knows a mistake was made in his favour saving him $35,000 in our mediated agreement. So you would think that he would very quickly ensure that all of the minor expenses he agreed to pay in mediation were handled to show he is following the agreement as set out to make it harder for me to repudiate it in court. But instead, he is fighting more and digging his heels in more.

He agreed to pay 50% of the pet expenses in mediation. He never has. He tried to fight the food expenses for the pets as though it were unreasonable for me to feed them. No vet bills, no boarding bills (these were agreed to in mediation as joint expenses) but all I incurred and submitted to him were their regular food bills and he said, “No.” Now his lawyer says he will pay the food bills but not after the house sale goes through on June 26. My lawyer lost it. She wanted to know then if I was supposed to euthanize the pets when the house sells.

He also agreed to pay 50% of anything the realtor wanted us to do to ready the house for sale. He did nothing that was required. When I told him some of the things that needed to be done and I needed help with he said in his texts to me on April 15, “Figure it out” and “Do what you have to do.” I did. Everything was itemized to him and now he is fighting most bills saying that I live in the house, it was regular maintenance, my responsibility. Yet, our house sold in 4 days because of everything I did. He was ready to accept $5000 less for the house yet he is fighting me on a gardening expense of $319. The realtor commented immediately on how great of a curb appeal difference she saw on just the first 4 hours of the gardener’s time. 3 large gardens at the front and 1 at the back were edged, weeded, bushes trimmed and composting all taken away with a dumping fee for that. Plus we have this horrible invasive weed known as horse tail that is brutal to pull out and very time consuming. He only has to pay 50%. The equivalent of 6 hours of hard work; around $150. He makes that in an hour. Plus, I was doing gardening as well to ensure we met the time crunch for listing yet I never charged him for my time.

I am getting sleepy now. Sorry for venting but I needed the release. So much more. So boring. Same old, same old. I am hoping we can just send these issues back to the mediator for an arbitration ruling as she wears both hats. We agreed in mediation but if any dispute arises over the agreement it should be able to be referred back to her and become binding arbitration on her decision. Otherwise, my lawyer is ready to go to court. It may save me thousands in the long run because my ex just can’t let go.

affair, divorce, finances, kids, moving forward, pets, separatiion

Closer to Gone

I received a text today from our realtor indicating that the people who put the conditional offer on our house have officially sold their home. The next step to removing the conditions is a home inspection on Tuesday. I am optimistic the sale is going to go through and that the home that we chose over a 5 day trip in 2008 to relocate our family from Ontario to BC will be gone from my life.

I had lunch with both my girls today. I had just spent the morning with my younger daughter at the last day of her dance in the Greater Victoria Performing Arts Festival. We picked my older daughter up from school and went to our usual Cora’s for the all day breakfast. My girls were discussing the pending summer vacation their dad was taking them on going back home to Ontario to stay with his parents. They were both not thrilled with the fact that Janice may be joining them on the trip.

I on the other hand feel fine about it. It is a reminder to me that I will not have to waste any more of my vacation time in a cramped cottage with my ex’s family. I smile now thinking of her travelling 5 hours by plane, then 1 1/2 hours by car, sleeping on a bed that fills the entire room, showering in the tiny, green bathtub or having to go downstairs and wait for the shower that everyone else lines up to use and then having the pleasure of the company of my ex’s family for at least 1 week. Let her swelter in the 30 degree cabin that gets no breeze and let her enjoy the same boring stories that will be new for her but that I will never have to endure again. My girls joked that Janice can look through all the scrapbooks that I made of our time there. There is not one ounce of me that wishes I was going instead.

I am now free to vacation anywhere else with anyone else. There was a time with my ex that I wondered if I was going to live out my say 80 years not by living 80 years but by living the same year 80 times. When we moved here I made sure I planned amazing, adventurous, fun vacations that were completely new and that involved experiences the entire family would enjoy. My ex never appreciated that. He never was interested in planning vacations or going anywhere. He hadn’t travelled at all until he met me. The monotonous routine, using vacation time to do the same thing with the same people is happily gone for me.

I have had so many people contact me saying how excited they are that I am selling the house and now that it is that much closer to gone people cannot contain how happy they are for me. Not one person expressed anything resembling sadness or regret. Not even my kids. My younger daughter thinks that one of our cats will be sad but that is it. I have offers of generous living arrangements until my divorce settlement is finalized and I am able to find something more permanent. I actually don’t like the idea of “permanent”. I am getting lots of offers of people wanting to spend time with me when my kids are back in Ontario and them asking me what do I want to do and where do I want to go. My options are expanding.

This is exactly what I have wanted. My life and opportunities are so open and my ex is that much closer to gone.

affairs, divorce

Happy Valentine’s Day!

While my husband was having an affair he brought me a dozen, red, long-stemmed roses and gave me a beautiful card for Valentine’s Day. He brought both of our daughters a rose as well. I had little gifts and cards for our girls from both of us. I made dinner for him and the kids and we had a lovely family meal although I felt that he wasn’t acting particular grateful or appreciative of my effort or fond of what I made. I baked a special dish I had never made before, horse radish encrusted salmon, that we always ordered from a restaurant we used to eat at together, Blues Bayou Café. We had wine. I bought a special decadent dessert for us all to enjoy. I gave him a sexy card and some fun flavoured lubricants. We enjoyed an intimate night in the bedroom afterwards.

Who knew he was buying his girlfriend a Valentine’s Day card at the same time he was buying me one. He bought her jewellery. Three days following Valentine’s Day we went to an art showing where our oldest daughter’s art work was being displayed. He met us there, left us there, and took his girlfriend out for dinner, wining and dining her with his gifts. He came home to us afterwards.

I found our anniversary card from 5 months before Valentine’s Day. He wrote in it: “Happy 18th wedding anniversary. Every year just keeps getting better and better.” He was in an affair within 3 months of writing that card. I shared that with him after discovering the affair and asked him why he said that when he was now telling people he hadn’t been happy for 8 years. He said, “You can only hope.”

So many falsehoods I’d later discover.

This Valentine’s Day, 2015, for me involves dinner with friends at a new restaurant. Drinks and a fun, getting to know you, card game with 2 other couples and my date, before dinner. Then the hot tub and cheesecake after dinner at one of the couple’s home.

Prior to the evening, I am going to be showing love to me. After having been so mistreated I am finding it important to take the time to do things that give me pleasure. Not the hedonistic, selfish kind of pleasure, but something that lets me know I care for and love me. If I wanted roses, I’d buy them for myself. If I wanted jewellery, I’d buy my own. None of that is important to me. Instead, I will be spending time doing what I love, eating foods I enjoy and treating myself to pampering.

All I can do is give love. I can’t control other people’s response back. I don’t know their motives, whether they are pretending or their true feelings. That is their issue, not mine. It is hurtful to feel that my husband didn’t want my love. What I think was more the problem was that he wanted my love, used my love, wanted more of my love but it was never enough. I could never give enough; I could never do enough; I could never be enough. He sought love and attention from any where else he could get it (as I discovered was more than just the affair with Janice) and in order to get that love he would be the person he needed to be. A double life for sure. That is the person I was not prepared to be married to any longer. That is the type of person I knew clearly I could never trust again.

It is nice to be shown love in special ways on February 14 by those who are closest to us and to get surprises from unexpected sources of love, too, but let’s remember to practice self-love. Let’s meet our own needs and reward and treat our self just for being instead of waiting for someone else to meet those needs for us. We are worthy. When I make myself feel great, I am much more mindful of how others make me feel and more likely to question whether they are people I really want in my life.

The Law of Attraction supports that what we put out into the universe comes back to us. Loving ourselves; loving others; is a great place to start. I am wishing for the feeling of love that one might want expressed to them on Valentine’s Day to be returned back to them every day of the year.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Tag Archives: divorce