After Dave’s scripture quoting on August 27, look what I found! Since Dave “Happy” is begging for a new post, this one is for him.
Time again for Jesus Cheaters
With Josh Duggar in the news, what with his Ashley Madison accounts, and recent 6-month sentencing to the
Gulagsex addiction re-education camp, I thought it was time again to trot out my post on Jesus Cheaters.
(Originally, this column was a spinoff of “Don’t Date This Person” in which I had forgotten Jesus cheaters and thus had to devote a whole column to them.)
Here’s to you, Josh! — Tracy
Could anything be more narcissistic than thinking you speak for God?
I realize the other major world religions have their versions of Jesus Cheaters too. Christianity doesn’t have the market cornered on hypocritical douchebags. But that said, I do think the New Testament lends itself to a certain sort of spackle that the disordered love to exploit.
So — you asked for it — here are the Jesus cheaters!
Phillip Forgiveness — God has spoken to Phillip and forgiven him, so I think you should too. Phillip forgives himself! So what’s your problem? He prayed on this! We’re all good! I think you need to cast out the demons of bitterness and get over it. Jesus told Phillip that’s what Jesus would do.
Holier Than Holly — Holly has slept with half the choir and most of the finance committee. She doesn’t understand why God made you so ugly that you can’t keep your man. She’s just trying to sustain these men from the affliction of your inadequacies. Holly considers herself a saver of marriages, really. If it weren’t for the Wake Up Call of Infidelity to make you realize how much you suck, you never would’ve tried to improve. You can thank her. I think you should.
Deacon Dan — Don’t let the sweater vest fool you. Dan’s a pervert.
Martyre Martha — You weren’t meeting her emotional needs. But Bob on the liturgy committee, he understands. You have such a dirty mind! They went to that hotel for BIBLE STUDY. Martha is a SPIRITUAL person, unlike you. Of course you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never wanted her to be happy. You’re jealous of her relationship with God… and Bob.
Ezekiel Love Bunny — Ezekiel would like a hug. And another longer lingering one. Maybe a kiss? Hey, Ezekiel is just that kind of guy! Friendly! Would you begrudge someone FRIENDS? You’re so withholding. Can Ezekiel help it if people like him better than they like you? Maybe it’s because you’re so uptight. You should work on that. He’ll be sending you some scripture to meditate on while he’s out with his “friends.”
Amazing Grace — God saved a wretch like her. Was she stealing opiates from sick people? Did she lift your wallet? Well, that’s all in the past. Why won’t you put her on the finance committee? Are you going to hold those youthful embezzlement charges against her? That was THEN. Before God’s grace! Don’t you believe in Grace?
Willy We’re-All-Sinners! An emotional assassin whose weapon of choice is the false equivalency. Did Willy cheat? Well you don’t load the dishwasher right! We’re all sinners. Ye without sin cast the first stone. You make mistakes too and we’re all equal before the eyes of God. Did he mention how much you SUCK at loading the dishwasher? Because you do, but he was too much of a Christian to mention it before.
35 thoughts on “Jesus Cheaters”
Those are pretty funny 😉
Obviously Sally’s original post was over your head….
Wait we don’t understand this post? It’s farcical, makes no sense and has no relation to anything? I guess that’s the underlying theme of this blog anyways. Stupid is as stupid does!
Are you pulling a fast one on us and showing some humility and saying you’re the hypocritical douchebag? You know, the one who claims to be a Christian and live her life like one, but yet her blog and lifestyle are anything but Christian and what the teachings of Jesus uphold? You should have sent this to Jules and Phoenix so all of you can pull the plank from your eyes and see you’re no different than the rest of us.
Is this my invitation to the party? Me thinks me doth hear my name! Lol… What pretell would you like to say to moi, Sally?
Who would Jesus hate?
Just like Sister Sally stated, Jesus would hate the sin, and not the sinner.
Oh Phoenix of course you’re invited to the party. We’re a group that encourages all to share in our revelry.
Awesome! Let’s begin, shall we dance?
Geez Phoenix slow down, let’s chat for a few minutes and see if we have some chemistry. Maybe a drink, and if all goes well we can dance.
I’ll take whatever you got, straight up!
I wish Glynnis would join in…
Wtf? Who’s Glynnis?
Who are all of you?? Anyways I loved this.. especially fucking Willy we-are-all sinners.. that’s my husband drives me bananas!!
We’re friends of Robyn of course!! In case you missed it…..Robyn… the maiden in distress, is having a sexual relationship with a married man named Steven Kennell. He is also known as Steve and he drives a white pedo van. Robyn ignores the legal facts so that the audience….you, I and the rest of the gang, will ignore her truth and just focus on the big bad wolf and his pack. That’s it in a nut shell. Let’s she what she has next in store for us.
Robyn, who does Jesus hate?
Robyn you should be home monitoring your blog, not out buying your daughter another fast food dinner or hanging out at starbucks. Your audience demands response!
Happy, what’s with these who does Jesus hate questions? We all know Jesus is love, and any true follower would love thy neighbor. Hate the sin, but love the sinner so to speak.
Sally you are silly. We all know that jesus hates some adulterers but not others. Robyn told us so.
Sally I heard you are a slut…and a spinster
Kidding..you seem like a very lovely young woman
Robyn, hurry back from McDonalds…we miss you!
Dave, I have thought about it long and hard and I have realized how much I still love you. I forgive you and will take you back. Please come home.
I wonder what Robyn thinks of WOMEN paying spousal support to husbands?
Wonder if she knows a man that collects spousal support from their wife (cuz they’re still technically married…)
I wouldn’t want to name names…. Oh wait! His name was mentioned in a previous post… But that’s ok! Robyn names people too!!
Well if they are both collecting spousal… They’ll never have to work!
Haha!!! What happened to the post about a certain man Robyn knows that collects spousal support from his wife?
How does it feel to have YOUR lover’s name posted online?
Wonder what he thinks of that.
Are you suggesting that she’s moderating certain comments that she doesn’t want her followers to know? Do tell Two Wrongs.
She has also referred to the fact that she is “defrauding the government”. Where is that post? Bonbon why are you moderating the comments?
Defrauding the government by working and collecting disability benefits. Only a matter of time until that catches up to you.
Awesome….Where did you come from? Sounds like you know something about our beloved blogger that the rest of us didn’t? Hmmm, so originally we had a poor victim of the world, and now we’re finding out that not only does she tell lies and make up stories for her audience to make herself seem downtrodden, she an adulterer, and she’s also a fraudster! Cheating may be morally wrong, but defrauding the government is criminal!! Wait until God reads this!! She’s going to lose her shit and condemn this blogger to HELL!!!!.
That’s “adulterous lover” steve kennell
Dave please come back. I promise I will shower and clean the kitty litter off the bed!