It is very fascinating to me that Dave is trying so hard to turn me into a guilty person.
He is specifically trying to shift blame off himself and accuse me of a variety of offences: I don’t shower, I don’t get out of bed, I don’t enjoy a beautiful day, I do yoga, I do expensive yoga, I go to Starbucks, I am a bad mother, I don’t work, I don’t unpack boxes, I expect him to pay my ferry fare, I am defrauding the government, I steel photos, I bully, and the list goes on and on including the bizarre claim that I have kitty litter all over my house.
What is especially interesting to me is that Dave is fabricating my involvement in an adulterous affair. He’s even trying to name names, describe vehicles and pull in other people and details to pad his lie. Then he takes it further and calls me a slut.
I came to the realization that he must be feeling so guilty of committing adultery on me that he is trying to get me to share in his guilt. He is trying to shed his own experience and deal it to me instead.
Guilt is described in Macbeth as “Life’s fitful fever”. When you look at the comments made by Dave and his underlings they are certainly exhibiting feverish fits. 2 1/2 years post my discovery of the affair, the fits rage on. They are consuming Dave’s life to the point that he can’t suppress them anymore. These are not new rants to me (except for the kitty litter). These are obviously not new rants to his henchman because they repeat the exact same accusations he has been trying to heap on me from the beginning. That ‘s why all of the 12 (yep, a new one appeared since I last counted) identities commenting on my blog lately seem like Dave himself. But now he has a new audience of blog followers to try to relieve himself on.
Like Lady Macbeth tried to assure Macbeth “what’s done is done”, Dave has tried repeatedly to convince me of the same thing. I am to “get over it” and “stop living in the past.” “Move on” is his modus operandi. The problem for Dave is that he can’t convince himself. The truth is that adultery is permanent and the guilt it casts on the perpetrator sticks to the conscience despite actions to try and feign otherwise. Like the wife Dave left, he can’t ignore his guilt either.
Macbeth got no peace from satisfying his ambition to take King Duncan’s throne. Dave is getting no peace either. He may have conquered Janice and tried to make her into a legitimate relationship but his life experience is miserable. He gives glimpses of his life by indicating he “isn’t living in the lap of luxury” and with his anger and nasty attacks on anyone who would dare support my side of events and his paranoia over my cause of anything that goes wrong in his and Janice’s life, his guilt is all-consuming. Probably because he feels he and Janice deserve to have bad things happen to them and deserve to have people stand against them.
Wikipedia describes guilt as “an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in.” I remember Dave’s indignation when we found out, shortly after attending our friend’s wedding, that her new husband was having an affair. The affair started before the wedding. Deceit has always been a huge moral faux pas for Dave. I now think it is because he lives with deceit in his character. He has difficulty with trust because he himself is untrustworthy and as happened with one of his business partners, if he catches you in a lie, watch out!
Well Dave, keep screaming and washing your hands. The blood, so to speak, isn’t coming out. Like the scarlet letter ‘A’ (was that what was spray-painted on Janice’s car?), your mark is permanent. It is going to follow you around for life. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t end well for Macbeth.