Category Archives: affairs

adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, Christianity, deceit, divorce, loss

Update on ‘Stealing and Giving Back’

The story of my daughter’s friend, the 14-year old fundraising to help pay the $6000 it is going cost for her to travel and compete in a European golf championship this year, was reported on the local news last night. The estimated $160 she raised selling lemonade and samosas was stolen.

The theft was caught on video surveillance cameras at the market where she was selling.  Two men came by and asked why she was raising money.  She told them.  They left and didn’t purchase anything.  Then you see them walk back together and one man grabs the money jar off her table and runs off.  Cindy’s father tries to run after them and lunges to grab the man but he falls hard onto the cement, flat on his face.  My daughter had told me that he had to go to the hospital by ambulance to be checked out but that he was okay.  It was very upsetting for my daughter to watch that part on the news. Then the news reporter announces that one of the investigating officers gave Cindy $160 out of his own pocket to help her.   The officer requested not to be identified and didn’t want any public recognition for his generosity.

The kindness effect ignites.  My daughter told me that at school today Cindy was called down to the office several times and returned each time with money that people had dropped off to support her trip.  The news crew had come to her school the day they were reporting the story to interview her about what happened, why she was raising money, her golf goals, etc. and they videoed her in the gym swinging a golf club with the school identified on the gymnasium wall. My daughter also told me that because her full name was disclosed on the news people were contacting her home asking if they could drop off money for her.

The surveillance showed clearly the identity of the two men. If the thieves knew they were being watched on surveillance would they have attempted to steal? The chances of them getting caught and shamed publicly, potentially losing their jobs if they work, is a real possibility. Some people just do things that are dishonest if they think they can get away with it.  Would the video camera give them pause to weigh out the consequences?

What if people who were lusting after coworkers thought they were being recorded so that their spouses, kids, parents, business associates,  community, etc., could watch?  Would that lower the incidents of affairs in the workplace or anywhere else cheaters meet?  If cheaters knew cameras were present filming what they try to cover up, would the fear of being exposed halt their deceitful thoughts and actions?  Nobody chooses shame and humiliation, the loss of their families and reputation and other fall outs they can’t even foresee. That is why they sneak around, lie, hide and live double lives. They don’t want to get caught.

Some people have no remorse and make excuses to justify their actions regardless.  We don’t have to control or change how those people think.  This story teaches that despite the lousy situations that we may find ourselves in because of the greediness, selfishness, carelessness, and hatred of others that the universe does work everything out so that what was taken comes back as even more than what was lost and it can happen very quickly.

 

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adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, disappointment, divorce, ex spouse, family, Father/daughter relationship, in-laws, infidelity, parenting after separation

Putting on a Show

I drove my niece, my older daughter and my dancer daughter all to Fort Langley Saturday morning.  My dancer had to be at the theatre for a lighting and technical blocking rehearsal at 12:45 p.m.  She stayed at the studio until her 7:00 p.m. performance.

My niece, other daughter and I explored Fort Langley.  I took them to the stores that I thought were interesting and we ate our way around the little town.  Fort Langley is the birthplace of British Columbia and is filled with history. Fort Langley is the set for several movies, especially Hallmark Christmas movies. The yellow Community Hall is one of the landmarks to recognize this city location on screen. We had a really fun and enjoyable day and I am a little sad that this is my last weekend to be here for dance.

We met my brother-in-law for dinner at the Olive Garden at 4:30 p.m.  I gave a heads up that Dave would be at the show as they haven’t seen him since our separation.  My niece adamantly declared that he was no longer family.  My brother-in-law disagreed and they had a bit of an argument over it.  He said that his relationship and loyalty was with me as we had a long and close history. He stated that he was not close to David but pointed out that he never had any issues with him and that they had contact with each other on Facebook after our separation. (He had told me that previously and wanted to know at the time if that was hurtful to me that he reached out to him. Several of my family and friends had done the same and it was not hurtful but I learned my ex didn’t respond to the others)  My brother-in-law told my niece that he got to choose who he considered to be family.

My niece then felt a little badly that Uncle David was going to be at the show alone and wondered if he should sit with us, of course, she said, with he and I being at opposite ends from each other.  My daughter was at the table with us and we were very respectful in our discussions of the social awkwardness and hurt felt by everyone because of this tear in the family.  I know from my discussions with my sister the night before that she would not be able to mask her feelings as easily and I was glad she wasn’t able to attend.   She feels very duped by my ex.  She called him a fraud to me on Friday night citing his praying at all our family meals and then contrasting that to her remembering his come-ons towards her at our last Christmas together (he was involved with Janice at that time already). She said it was wrong on every level. She recalled that he acted all the time like he was this great family guy when it was a lie.  She said that she thought it was just the scotch he was drinking at Christmas but that the alcohol just revealed his true nature. Now that we all know, he didn’t have to pretend anymore. She said that she can see now he doesn’t even care about his children and feels the entire 23 years she knew him was just a facade.

When we got to the theatre we stepped into the long line up waiting for the doors to open.  Dave was not there and I feared for my daughter that he wasn’t going to end up showing.  I popped my head in to the studio so my daughter knew that I was there in the audience for her.  My older daughter then said that her dad texted her and he was waiting in the parking lot.  He wanted to know who from my family was there.  He asked our daughter to save him a seat and to text him to let him know when he could go in.  My niece commented that he is afraid to show himself because he knows he did something wrong.

We had extra seats in our row but after my daughter put down her coat she went to a different row to find a seat for her dad.  When he came in, my brother-in-law and my niece both waved to him to attract his attention.  He waved back and then came up to shake my brother-in-law’s hand and to hug my niece.  I was very proud of my family for the kindness they showed to my children’s father. Dave and I, on the other hand, did not acknowledge each other.

It was a proud and emotional evening.  A girl sang our national anthem beautifully and powerfully while we all stood and sang along and watched our dancers’ photos appear on the large screen on stage with their name over the maple leaf. I wondered how my ex felt listening to the MC who was a dance dad and had traveled with his daughter twice for Team Canada.  He shared about the bond that grew because of those trips together.  He shared about his understanding of the stress on the parents involved–the expense, the fundraising required and work that goes into getting kids to rehearsals, costuming, photograph sittings, press interviews, etc.  My ex was not a part of any of that.

It was a short show–8 dances in the first half and 8 in the second half with a 30 minute intermission to buy 50/50 tickets, wine raffle tickets (40 bottles of wine to win), and silent auction items with the money raised all to support the team. My daughter’s group danced first so her dad left at intermission.  He didn’t get to see her acknowledged at the end in her Team Canada jacket and he didn’t receive the team photo they handed out with all of the notes from the family wishing their dancer good luck on the back–I signed “love mom, dad and (older daughter’s name)” on my note to our daughter.

When we were at the ferry terminal heading back to Victoria we ran into friends.  The mom asked our daughter if her dad came to see her dance.  She said that he did but he left half way through.  Our friend asked “why?” My daughter said it was because she danced first. She said, “He always does that.”    I realized at that moment that she isn’t going to remember that her dad was there to see her dance.  She is going to remember that he left.

 

 

 

 

 

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adultery, affairs, cheating, children, divorce, separation, Sex, Swinging

Horror on the Hill

For the past 3 years, I have gone to my friend (M’s) Halloween party. It is his favourite time of year and this year coincided with the celebration of his 50th birthday party.

He lives on a hill that over looks the ocean and elaborately decorates his home like a haunted house, hence the title of his invitation, ‘Horror on the Hill’.  His bathroom has bloody foot prints on the floor; body parts and a knife in the tub with blood all over; a bloody shower curtain with bloody hand prints on it; a mirror behind the toilet with audible, laughing, scary, faces; and music playing creepy movie scenes like Psycho. It still unnerves me to hear the shower turn on and the stabbing music start. There is also a little, creepy girl voice saying, “I see you”.

Elsewhere around the upstairs is police tape around an area with a zombie like creature in a wheel chair wielding a knife, dancing skeletons projected on one of the walls, a guy you actually pull a breaker switch to watch violently riling back and forth as he is shocked to death in an electric chair, a 7-foot tall moving Frankenstein, skulls and spiders that move up and down the wall, mirrors with changing faces, a book that has a feather pen that talks and writes out a scary message, a cat that jumps at you, and a giant werewolf.

Outside, he has an incredible array of creepy decorations throughout his gardens.  On his lawn there are huge blow ups as well as large mummies in coffins standing up and lying down. On the front porch a young zombie girl moves back and forth on a swing with her head turning side to side and her eyes lit up singing very eerily, “La la la la la la”. The theme is carried through to the food, the dishes, glasses and every detail throughout the house.

M loves to dance and he is very good. He has mirrors on one wall of his living room and I joke that he probably just goes in and watches himself dance. He admits that he does. The best part of the party is that his tenant is a DJ and sets up an entire DJ booth with video player, strobe lights, a skeleton mirror disco ball hanging from the ceiling and the entire living room is turned into a giant dance floor.  This year, in honour of M’s 50th birthday, there was live music, too, with a reggae singer and hip hop artists.

M has always come across as very sexual to me. He has an amazing body.  He is over 6 feet tall and all muscle. He loves to wear Halloween costumes that show off his athletic physique and he is very comfortable in form fitting outfits, bare chest and legs. He changes his costumes throughout the night. We have a strictly platonic relationship but he is very teasing, playful, touchy and always asks specifics about my sex life.  We joke a lot but we also share deep, personal, painful, and honest emotions with one another.  His wife had an affair with his best friend. His wife lied to the police about him and when she was found out she lost custody of their children. My friend was awarded full custody but he is amazingly compassionate and forgiving and offered his wife a 50/50 split so their children had a chance of actually having a relationship with their mom. He is very generous to me. He has been my knight in shining armour rescuing me when my car got towed and taking me to lunches and dinners always finding ways to never let me pay.  He’s come to yoga with me. We both have a sweet tooth so find reasons to go for treats and laugh when we run into each other in local bakeries. He knows my lawyer and on the day I was walking over to court with her  M called her on her cell phone to tell her that he especially hoped she did well in court today for my sake. He even offered to call my ex to share with him his court experience, to offer any assistance and to even act as a mediator.  Whenever I am having a particularly difficult day with my ex I hear M’s words, “Dave is just being Dave” and it calms me in the storm that Dave is creating all around me.

This year, I went to his party with my girl friend, her boyfriend and another couple who are close friends of mine.  We are all fairly conservative and remarked that there was quite a lot of slutty costumes this year.  There were breasts hanging out, bare stomachs, fishnets, garters and stockings, bra tops, skirts that barely covered and even a man wearing a onesie with his butt hanging out the back. The party seemed even more crowded and as I was going into the kitchen I was stopped behind 3 people who were arranging a three-some. I shared with my friends what I had just overheard. The one girl involved with the arranging was dressed as a slutty police officer. She talked to me throughout the night with a sexy whisper, would wink at me from across the room and suggested to me that I check out Elvis because he was really sexy.

My friends and I all took a break from the dance floor and went into another room. I sat on one couch with my girlfriend and her husband and my other girlfriend and her boyfriend sat across from us.  When her boyfriend got up another man came and sat down beside her.  He was dressed as a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit. He was the husband of the slutty police officer. My girlfriend and he were quite chatty with each other. Then the slutty police officer came and sat down with them.  My friends beside me on the couch joked that they were going to invite my girlfriend for a 3-some.

Slutty police officer was now sitting across from me.  My girlfriend whispered, “I don’t mean to be vulgar but you are going to see pussy in a minute.”  Her skirt was that short. Her cleavage was so plentiful and revealing that my friend also whispered to me that she saw nipple.  By this point we are really entertaining ourselves people watching. A very drunk French maid decided to get down on her hands and knees in front of us and show us how she could balance on her hands with her knees on her elbows. While this was going on a very tiny girl came in with a man in a suit. We were told a contortionist/fire eater was coming but I already saw a girl carrying a hula hoop with places for the torches to be set on fire on the hoop.  Turns out this new girl was just one of 2 strippers that gifted my friend with quite the performance. He apologized to me afterwards saying that the grinding to his face was a bit much but what else could he do when everyone was there watching.  He had to act polite.  I joked with him that I could tell it was a terribly unpleasant experience for him. Then he showed my girlfriend’s husband photos of him and a girl on his phone that he wouldn’t show me.

I was back on the dance floor when my girlfriend and her boyfriend came to find me announcing, “We are at a swingers party.”  When my girlfriend was sitting with the slutty police officer’s husband on the couch he shared with her that his wife was making out with the host. He didn’t say the host’s name so my girlfriend said, “You don’t know M?” He told her that his wife met him on line and invited her to his party because there would be at least 10 swinging couples here. The prisoner-costumed guy received a text while he was talking to my friend and commented, “That was fast.” He told my friend his wife was able to arrange a hook up with the host. Then slutty police lady came back and sat on the couch pouting.  She was now in a bad mood because she said that she couldn’t hook up with the host because he wanted her to go to places she wouldn’t go. I wondered what places a girl like that wouldn’t go and then I wondered what the heck my friend was into that slutty police officer wouldn’t take part. My friend and her boyfriend ended up calling a cab for the slutty police officer and her prisoner husband. She was very upset that she didn’t think she was going to have sex (even though she had arranged the 3-some I overheard with mermaid girl and her husband). Prisoner husband decided they would leave saying, “Don’t worry Honey, we’ll go to the Sticky Wicket and we’ll get you laid.”

Once I was aware what was actually going on I saw things more clearly. Groups coming out of bedrooms, people going downstairs (my married friends dared me to go down), men and women fondling each other and grinding all over the dance floor, partners that I thought were together were now clearly with other people, too, people making eye contact with me maybe waiting for some  signal or for me to invite them over or for me to approach them.

When I went home I checked out the website where my friend apparently is a member. I remembered my husband telling me in the year before our separation about his friend and wife who shared partners and I remembered meeting friends of theirs where I was told later the husband is one of two men who got a girl pregnant that he cheated on his wife with and he was waiting for a paternity test to see if it was him. I remember telling my husband that he better not be on his friend’s boat without me. I wondered if he and Janice might now be apart of this group as I remembered finding the emails after my separation that he wanted to have 3-somes with my closest friends. Maybe that is why Janice sends my ex sexy photos of other women even publicly on Twitter. My husband shared with me different stories about the unhappiness in his friend’s marriage and about his friend waking up on their boat in one stateroom and looking across to the other stateroom seeing his friend groping his wife and her staring off blankly while this was going on. I asked what he did.  My husband said he just turned over and went back to bed. I told my husband that I didn’t know why he would feel anything about seeing that when he chose to introduce other partners into their sex life.  It is just a license to allow cheating.

I am having dinner with my friend, M, next week to celebrate his actual 50th birthday. We have spoke a couple of times since his party but I haven’t let him know yet that I learned he might be a swinger. I will when we go for dinner. No judgement. I want this man to continue to be a part of my life. I just have concerns that he is maybe being pulled in a direction that is taking him further away from what he is really looking for. Then again, this may just be another example in my life that you never really know who people are or what they really think, feel or want for their life.

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adultery, affairs, cheating, deceitfulness, divorce, lies, separation

Fake Coins

In Rumi’s poem, The Touchstone, Iblis asked, “Can you tell a lie from the truth, you who are filled with illusion?”

Muawiya answered, “The prophet has given a clue, a touchstone to know the base coin from the true. He has said, ‘That which is false troubles the heart, but Truth brings joyous tranquility.’ ”

When I discovered your coins were fake, I refused to accept them. You now spend your coins elsewhere. You pass your coins off to others who know you committed fraud, know you continue to commit fraud and yet they accept your forgery? Your scheme cost me almost everything. You still try to steal from me.

I examine coins more thoroughly these days. I spend them. I invest them. I melt them down. I check for seams, run tests, and scratch the surface.  Then I check my heart.

Rumi says in The Masnavi:

“Fools buy base coins from their likeness to real coins.
If there were no genuine coins current in the world,
How could coiners succeed in passing false coins?
If there were no truth, how could falsehood exist?
Falsehood derives its plausibility from truth.
‘Tis the desire of right that makes men buy wrong;
Let poison be mixed with sugar and they eat it at once.
If wheat were not valued as sweet and good for food,
The cheat who shows wheat and sells barley would make no profit!”

Because of you, I know worthless currency.  Because of you, I know true value.

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affairs, blogging, cheating, children, divorce, God, Identifying the other woman, Outing

The Purpose of My Blog

I started this blog in May 2013, 2 months after discovering that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker.

Reading their sexually explicit messages, reading them tell each other how much they couldn’t wait to be together and the future plans they were making, reading them telling each other “I love you”, reading about the things they had been doing together and piecing that into the way my husband was living his life with me and our children at the same time sends a lump to my throat even today as I think about it.

As if it wasn’t bad enough for me to have all of this information imprinted in my brain, it was imprinted in my 15-year old daughter’s brain as well. On top of my own grief I had a very angry teenager who would never see her dad the same way again.  I also had a 10-year old daughter who I was trying to protect from the bluntness of her angry, older sister; from the cold detachment of her father; and from my sadness for what was lost as well as my new fear for our future.

It was like a death.  Firstly, I knew it was permanent. What my children and I had was gone forever.  I knew I could never be with this man again. Secondly, when it happened, everyone was there for me and my children–visiting in person, travelling far to see us, sending or dropping off cards, letters, flowers, food; emails, phone calls, acts of service, etc. I knew how much I was loved by so many people. I felt strong, courageous and I was confident in my decision to end the marriage.  I was at peace, trusted in God’s plan and was hopeful for the future.

But like a death, everyone else goes on with their life and I was left with having to handle the grieving process in all of its stages; not just for me but for my children. I was left with still being responsible for taking care of bill payments, taking my kids to all of their activities and trying to find a way they could to do what they loved and to continue to keep that part of their life unchanged, all of the chores and maintenance (inside and out) that go along with 2 kids, 3 pets and a large home. I was literally a single parent with no support on any level.  Both my kids had a lot of difficulties but my older daughter suffered the most.

I actually only had 4 friends who had been divorced. Two involved infidelity. I have gained many more friends since who have undergone similar losses just through being open about our lives, but at the time I started my blog I felt very alone and very overwhelmed. The blog was just a way for me to journal.  I am a scrapbooker and I felt this was a life changing event that I needed to document. I was vulnerable, real, honest and writing from my heart. Very sad and difficult things were coming to light and the blog was a way for me to sort out my thoughts and to try and make sense of them.  I was reporting my observations and trying to understand my ex’s behaviour.

Although I was writing just for me, I soon realized that other people going through similar situations were reading my blog. Their offers of encouragement and support for me and my kids was so appreciated and helped me to keep moving forward. I was able to read other people’s experiences including that of trying to gain some insight from those who cheat. I hated that I was part of this community but I was so grateful for its existence. I was 100% authentic in everything that I shared and found that the more real and vulnerable I was with my thoughts, emotions and my situation that the more I benefited and the more I benefited others.

If you have never been betrayed by the person you love most and who you think loves you the most in the world, you will never understand the gut-wrenching feelings that exist when your heart is torn out.  Tears fill my eyes as I write and remember. I lost everything. I allowed our little family of 4 to be uprooted from our huge pool of friendships, our family and our church. Our entire support system was gone when we moved across the country. We knew nobody. We moved only so my husband could pursue his career aspirations. All I wanted was for him to be happy and for him to know that I would do anything for him and go anywhere with him .  I trusted that he loved me and our girls more than anything in the world.  I prayed specifically about our situation, sought advice and I have no regrets about the decision. I thought the experience actually knit us closer together.

I know people think it always takes 2 people for a marriage to disintegrate. In this case, it took 3 people. My husband never made me aware that he was unhappy. We rarely fought. We came together every evening as a family and spent weekends together doing family things. We always put our family first. My girlfriend just told me on the weekend that she had been jealous of my marriage. She said that we did so much together, had so much to talk about together and enjoyed spending time together. We never had marriage counseling because there didn’t seem to be anything seriously wrong. We were intimate together right up until 2 weeks before I discovered his sexting and the photos the other woman sent to him of herself. I was completely blindsided. We had been together 23 years and none of this made sense to me. I only felt my husband’s distance in October 2012 when he let me down in terrible ways and was inexplicably cruel.  He would apologize, we would make up, and then it would start again.

My post-separation experience was getting worse instead of stabilizing or resolving. I thought that my husband having had  the affair was the worst thing he could do to me and my kids but I was wrong.  He was being a selfish, neglectful father and a punishing ex-husband who was resisting efforts to reach a fair separation agreement. His obstinance continues.

In the past 28 months I have published 70 posts. I am hardly obsessed with talking about my situation. Many bloggers post daily or more. There were months I didn’t post at all.  As things happened that I felt were important in my journey, I reflected or reported in my blog. The other woman is part of my journey. I understand why she isn’t happy I posted her identity. Nobody wants to be exposed for shameful behaviour.  For me, it was important that I did.

I think by the entries I have published outlining the actions of my ex during this entire process and the comments  my ex recently made on my blog (under user name Happy) confirm that there is no reason that I would have any good will to extend to him. For my ex to then go to the extent that he did to try and bully me, shame me, harass me and lie about me all in the name of doing what is right for my children, only hardens my heart more against him. He came to my site to defend himself and the other woman and to cause chaos and attack anyone might have a differing opinion.

Why would I adhere to the request of unknown user names that were degrading and mocking me and pretending to be me and pretending to be friends supporting me? Lies and Deceit got us here in the first place. I don’t want anything to do with that type of behaviour and the people who carry it out.

The same is true for the other woman. If she had children, I never would have published that post. She certainly didn’t have my kids’ best interest in mind when she was pursuing their father and instrumental in the destruction of their family. To this day, she does not treat my children equally or put their needs above her own.  Perhaps if instead she came to me with some semblance of humility, acknowledging what she did and the hurt and the damage she caused me and my girls, and then sharing how me posting the information that I did has hurt her, I might have shown some compassion and deleted at least some part of it. Instead, she thinks by blaming me and putting me down that I will bow down to her. I don’t owe her anything. Yet, she feels justified in trying to hurt and damage me more?

I allowed them their say on my blog to be fair and for people who have been following since the beginning to understand and experience a little of what I have had to taste during this entire process. it is one thing to read about it from me but to experience it first hand makes the picture clearer. It is all part of showing the ugliness of divorce. This is my story and my experience. It is ugly. We were good people who I thought loved each other very much and now we don’t. I will leave up their comments. I didn’t edited any of them. But now I take back control and will delete any of their comments going forward.

There are so many lessons in real life underscoring the reasons to not cheat.  The possibility of getting caught may be part of the thrill but you never looked at the consequences of what could happen if you did get caught. You screwed around with my life and the life of my kids and at the same time you thought it was fun to screw around with my husband. Now you are exposed. I hope by me shining it under a light it may be a reminder to you to find your thrills in places that don’t ruin lives. If your life is ruined now too, as a result of my post, consider it your own doing. I never invited you into my life. You opened that door all on your own.

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adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, the other woman

“Out Damned Spot”

It is very fascinating to me that Dave is trying so hard to turn me into a guilty person.

He is specifically trying to shift blame off himself and accuse me of a variety of offences: I don’t shower, I don’t get out of bed, I don’t enjoy a beautiful day, I do yoga, I do expensive yoga, I go to Starbucks, I am a bad mother, I don’t work, I don’t unpack boxes, I expect him to pay my ferry fare, I am defrauding the government, I steel photos, I bully, and the list goes on and on including the bizarre claim that I have kitty litter all over my house.

What is especially interesting to me is that Dave is fabricating my involvement in an adulterous affair.  He’s even trying to name names, describe vehicles and pull in other people and details to pad his lie. Then he takes it further and calls me a slut.

I came to the realization that he must be feeling so guilty of committing adultery on me that he is trying to get me to share in his guilt. He is trying to shed his own experience and deal it to me instead.

Guilt is described in Macbeth as “Life’s fitful fever”. When you look at the comments made by Dave and his underlings they are certainly exhibiting feverish fits. 2 1/2 years post my discovery of the affair, the fits rage on.  They are consuming Dave’s life to the point that he can’t suppress them anymore.  These are not new rants to me (except for the kitty litter).  These are obviously not new rants to his henchman because they repeat the exact same accusations he has been trying to heap on me from the beginning. That ‘s why all of the 12 (yep, a new one appeared since I last counted) identities commenting on my blog lately seem like Dave himself.  But now he has a new audience of blog followers to try to relieve himself on.

Like Lady Macbeth tried to assure Macbeth “what’s done is done”, Dave has tried repeatedly to convince me of the same thing. I am to “get over it” and “stop living in the past.” “Move on” is his modus operandi. The problem for Dave is that he can’t convince himself. The truth is that adultery is permanent and the guilt it casts on the perpetrator sticks to the conscience despite actions to try and feign otherwise.  Like the wife Dave left, he can’t ignore his guilt either.

Macbeth got no peace from satisfying his ambition to take King Duncan’s throne. Dave is getting no peace either. He may have conquered Janice and tried to make her into a legitimate relationship but his life experience is miserable. He gives glimpses of his life by indicating he “isn’t living in the lap of luxury” and with his anger and nasty attacks on anyone who would dare support my side of events and his paranoia over my cause of anything that goes wrong in his and Janice’s life, his guilt is all-consuming.  Probably because he feels he and Janice deserve to have bad things happen to them and deserve to have people stand against them.

Wikipedia describes guilt as “an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in.” I remember Dave’s indignation when we found out, shortly after attending our friend’s wedding, that her new husband was having an affair. The affair started before the wedding.  Deceit has always been a huge moral faux pas for Dave. I now think it is because he lives with deceit in his character.  He has difficulty with trust because he himself is untrustworthy and as happened with one of his business partners, if he catches you in a lie, watch out!

Well Dave, keep screaming and washing your hands. The blood, so to speak, isn’t coming out. Like the scarlet letter ‘A’ (was that what was spray-painted on Janice’s car?), your mark is permanent.  It is going to follow you around for life.  Spoiler alert: It doesn’t end well for Macbeth.

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affairs, Betrayal, cheating, confrontation, control, deceitfulness, divorce, follow your gut, moving on

I May Run Slow but I Don’t Run Back

My ex ran with me once. We ran a 10K route around a couple of lakes near our home. It was very hot I remember. I also remember his description of my pace: “turtlish”.

We separated March 1, 2013 and on Mother’s Day that year we had a phone discussion about the possibility of reuniting. He told me, “I will have to be gone a long time.” Thinking he meant we couldn’t just go back to co-habitating after his affair I confirmed that I didn’t want him back living with me. I made it clear it would be really difficult for me to have him back at all let alone be with him intimately. He agreed that would be difficult for me but seemed far more concerned that I confirm to him that we did have a really good sex life. I found that odd since he was the one that had the affair, not me. He thanked me for talking to him and acknowledged how hard it must be for me to listen when he was acknowledging some of the lies he told me and where he was instead. We followed up our call with an email just confirming it was good to be talking.

The next evening, Monday, I was trying to get in touch with him about picking up our children on Tuesday to spend time with them. His cell phone kept going straight to voice mail and I had never experienced that before. It made me think that maybe he was talking to someone else. Would he really be talking to the other woman after our conversation the night before? Maybe he was breaking things off with her.

On a hunch, I opened the phone book and called the “Andrews” listed in the book that had an address in the area of the Starbucks where they would habitually meet. Remember I had copies of the text messages between them and one confirmed they were meeting at Starbucks and reconfirmed by my ex, “the one by your house”.

I called the first number I thought was in the area thinking I might get a busy signal. It rang, so if this was the right number my ex wasn’t on the phone with her. A man answered the phone. “Hi, Is Janice there?” I asked politely. “No she isn’t”, he said. I was shocked. “Janice Andrews lives there?” I asked. “Yes”, he replied. “The one who works for the M of S,” I asked. “Yes”, he said. “Who are you?” I asked. “I am her husband,” he replied. “Who are you?” he asked. “I am the wife of the man who is fooling around with your wife”, I said.

At around 11:00 p.m. my ex contacted me seeing that I had called his cell phone. He didn’t answer my calls because he was at a movie with Janice. Wow, I guess he felt he “needed to be gone a long time” because he thought he would spend his days and nights away from me, his home, and his kids continuing his affair. I knew then and there I would never look back again. I felt that resolve on March 1, 2013 when his response to me finding out about the affair was to walk out the door and not say a word to me and to continue on his trip to Vancouver with his friends. My gut, my decision on Day 1, my knowing in my heart and head as well, that this man was a complete fraud that I wanted nothing to do with ever again, was reaffirmed.

Since then I have made it clear to him that we will never get back together. He has sent numerous emails and texts over the last 2 years giving reasons why he thinks that I must still want him back. He did this as recently as last week, March 3, 2105. The day before that I tried to turn up the volume on expressing my feelings for him to help him get the message.

I texted on March 2, 2015: “The way you continue to live is repulsive to me. You are repulsive to me. There is nothing about you–your character, your lifestyle, your parenting, your choices, your personality, your looks, your employment, money, nothing that makes me desire you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Say what you want; think what you want. I am not interested in you on any level. It is your narcissistic personality, your ego, your id that makes you believe I am angry and haven’t moved on emotionally. You are correct in saying you couldn’t be a good husband to me and I deserve better. I think you said that out of false humility or maybe your super ego is coming through. I don’t know if you recognize what a creep you are or what but I am so done caring.”

He is a little “turtlish” in his understanding that I do not want him back.

The divorce process for me has also been turtlish. My ex tries to manipulate and control everything even when, financially, things are so in his favour. This is my marathon. I am tired, have a lot of chafing and blisters, but all I can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward, until I cross the finish line.

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affairs, divorce, God, mediation, sin, Spiritual, worldly

What colour is this dress?

Have you seen the dress everyone is talking about? It is black and blue yet a photo of it taken in a different light shows it to many people to be gold and white. What is really interesting is that you can get a group of people around the same photo and some see it as gold and white while others see it as black and blue.

The Explanation: “Light enters the eye through the lens—different wavelengths corresponding to different colors. The light hits the retina in the back of the eye where pigments fire up neural connections to the visual cortex, the part of the brain that processes those signals into an image. Critically, though, that first burst of light is made of whatever wavelengths are illuminating the world, reflecting off whatever you’re looking at. Without you having to worry about it, your brain figures out what color light is bouncing off the thing your eyes are looking at, and essentially subtracts that color from the “real” color of the object. “Our visual system is supposed to throw away information about the illuminant and extract information about the actual reflectance,” says Jay Neitz, a neuroscientist at the University of Washington. “But I’ve studied individual differences in color vision for 30 years, and this is one of the biggest individual differences I’ve ever seen.” (Neitz sees white-and-gold.)

Could it be the same way with our view points?

For 23 years, my ex and I seem to have seen the same view of the world reflected back to us. We have seen it through spiritual eyes and we have seen it through worldly eyes. Together, I felt, we tried to do good and contribute to the universe in a positive light. We tried to represent and stand for right. We gave sacrificially of our time and our money. We partnered together to do what was best for meeting the needs of our children, our families, our friends, our community and even strangers. It wasn’t always what we wanted to do but we put our own selfish desires aside so much of the time acting on faith and trusting in God that as long as we did what was right we believed that we too, would win in the long run, and the world would be better for it.

When did my ex start seeing the world through his own selfish eyes instead of God’s eyes? When did his visual system that was supposed to throw away false information fed to him by Satan stop extracting information about the actual reflectance of God? When did he stop being able to distinguish gold and white from black and blue?

Why does it surprise me then when his vision is so cloudy that for more than 2 years he makes decisions to only take care of his own wants and desires. Why does it surprise me that he doesn’t pay child support, spousal support or pay any percentage of his children’s activities and medical/dental expenses? Why does it surprise me that even when in mediation he agreed to pay a specific percentage of the pet expenses, he doesn’t? Why does it surprise me that he allowed his life insurance to lapse even though he agreed in mediation not to let that happen. He chooses instead to leave me and his children with a huge exposure so that if he were to die today my kids have no financial support for their future, no education money, and I am left with the burden of all of his debt? Why does it surprise me that even though in mediation he agreed to close out our joint bank account immediately he never has and I am the only one who has put money in that account to cover our joint expenses? On top of that, why does he think it is okay to access that account using my money to pay for his own personal bills? Now that I am not putting any money in there why does he think it is okay to not put back what he stole from me, pay off the overdraft so we can close the account and not incur any more wasted service charges? Why should I be surprised that he will not allow any of the funds from a property we sold together to be disbursed equally between us so I can pay my bills, the ones he isn’t contributing to and should be? And especially why am I surprised, when an oversight was made in mediation leaving me responsible for all of our pre-separation debt, why does he not acknowledge that isn’t fair and agree to pay his 50%? This would resolve our current dispute, allow us to move forward, stop the waste of legal expenses, allow for a more equitable settlement and it would be the right thing to do.

I do not recognize the person my ex has become at all. I only see black when I look him. There is definitely no gold. I concur with Neitz. This is one of the biggest individual differences I, too, have ever seen!

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affairs, cheating, children, control, debt, divorce, family

Dick of a Dad

Confirmation that my husband made a conscious choice to not just leave me but to leave his kids is in the way that he continuously handles his responsibilities for them. He doesn’t.

Surprisingly, Valentine’s Day weekend was the first weekend in almost 2 years that there wasn’t an issue with him picking up my youngest daughter from dance on Friday night and having her for the weekend. He at least picked her up. Usually I get a text saying that he can’t get her because he has hockey (at this time of year), a golf game, business function, he’s away for the weekend, etc. If I ever say I have plans so I can’t get her for him his standard response is “figure it out” because he won’t be there.

She stayed over night at his place on Friday but when I came home from my Valentine’s Day dinner all of the lights in my house were on. I expected her to be in her bed but she was across the street at her friend’s house where she stayed over night. He had taken her to Wendy’s for dinner (saw the drink cup on my coffee table) and she told me Sunday morning he dropped her off at 6:30 p.m. because he had Valentine Day plans. He picked her up at noon on Sunday for lunch, took her to dance practice for 1:30 p.m. and dropped her back home when she was finished, around 2:30 p.m.

When it comes to paying his financial responsibilities for the kids that still hasn’t changed. He doesn’t. He is responsible for paying 70% of the special expenses. This includes my daughter’s dance. He has not paid one dime in 2 years for these expenses or any expenses for the kids (although now that my oldest is living with him he contributes to her living expenses but she still contacts me because she won’t go to her dad to tell him the items she really needs). I pay support for her which is deducted from the amount he is supposed to be paying for our youngest daughter.

In mediation he agreed to pay 50% of my daughter’s dance expenses until our house is sold, then he will pay 70%. That hasn’t happened either and since our mediation 4 months ago he owes me $2005. This sum also includes money that he went into our joint account, where I am the only one who puts money in, and paid his personal bills. In mediation he agreed to come to the bank with me so we could close our joint account. He hasn’t done this either. I am going to the bank today to show them he is stealing from me and to see if they will close it without his signed authorization. If we want to still have house insurance I will have to move that joint expense to my personal account. The other thing he agreed to do in mediation that he hasn’t is to maintain a life insurance policy. If he were to die, I would be left with huge debt, no spousal support, no child support and the kids would have no money for extra-curricular activities, medical expenses, orthodontist expenses, education, weddings, etc.

I can’t understand how this man cares so little for his family, to the point he seems to hate his family, that he leaves us with a huge exposure to be financially devastated if he were to die. It is $61/month for him to have $500,000 worth of coverage. Before we separated, he maintained $750,000 of life insurance coverage.

My daughter has her first performance of the year this Saturday. Dress rehearsal is Friday so costumes have to be picked up and paid for by Thursday at the latest. Her dad knows this. He was copied on the invoice from the dance studio. I followed up with him by email, text and voice mail. He failed to give my daughter a cheque for 50% tonight when he was with her. I do not let my kids know that daddy doesn’t pay support for them or pay any of his other financial obligations to them but my daughter knows that mommy can’t pay 100% of the costume fees this time. She texted her dad (she refuses to call him) and his response was “Mommy’s paying.”

So more money wasted on contacting my lawyer, to contact his lawyer, to deal with this. In the meantime, my younger daughter is caught in the middle again. I don’t know if my ex is oblivious to how this effects her relationship with him but he truly doesn’t care. He thinks he is punishing me but the stress this puts on my daughter is cruel and the strain it adds to their relationship is not easily repaired. Come her next weekend with her dad I will be the one hearing the battle cry on why she shouldn’t have to go to his place for the weekend and I will be the one trying to encourage her to have a relationship with a man who would probably be happier to do anything else but spending time with his kids. (My oldest daughter is never there on the weekends. She told me she stays at her dad’s place because he is never there and she can do whatever she likes).

Did he ever loves his kids or was that an act, too?

Dance is our youngest daughter’s passion. It is what she wants to do as a career. It is her only extra-curricular activity and it is a commitment we made together prior to our separation to support her in this. This year she has had to cut back on the dance that she normally would have been enrolled in due to our financial situation.

Dad has a ticket for the show. I suspect he is bringing his girlfriend because he asked both my girls to find out which shows I am going to be at. I am always at every show. That won’t change. I am the one who will be putting in the required parent volunteering hours for the show as well. He will just look the supportive role by being there. What he presents on the outside is a sham.

I wonder how he would feel if our daughter was the only one not in costume. Narcissists don’t like public shaming. I almost wish that would happen and if I can’t pay for the costumes would they really do? Would they re-arrange the dance without my daughter? The problem is that it would be my daughter who would be the one to suffer. I am doing my best to keep that from happening but the dick has a hard heart and keeps rising to prove himself as just that–a dick, who does what he thinks he needs to do to ensure that no one but him has a happy ending.

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