adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, infidelity, parenting after separation, rejection, selfishness, separation, single parent

Dad/Daughter Time and the Other Woman?

When my ex and I lived together, in marriage, with our 2 children, we enjoyed a variety of family activities every week. We also recognized that it was important for us, within that week, to have one-on-one time with each other, no kids. As well, we both agreed that within that week, it was important for both of us to spend individual time with each of our daughters, “dates”, separately. That personal relationship with each of our children was so important and foundational for building our individual relationships with them.

So why is it that my ex saw the value of spending one-on-one time with each of his daughters when he lived with them and he saw them every day but cannot spend time alone with them now when he sees them at best once/week? When that time is so little, why does Janice Andrews feel the need to inject herself in the midst of their relationship especially when it is the only time that my daughter has to see her dad (his choice, not hers)?

Lately, if my daughter does see her dad, it is to go for a walk. Three weeks ago she told me she was meeting her dad at 1 pm. I was shocked when she walked back through the door and it was 1:37 pm. I asked if her dad bailed on her but she said, “No, he came.” And then she asked me if we could go to Starbucks. I commented, “Well that was a pretty quick walk. Why didn’t you ask dad to go to Starbucks?” She had no answer. And of course I took her to Starbucks.

Her dad doesn’t even come and pick her up for their date. Our house is on the way to the beach where they walk. If Covid is the excuse they can each wear masks in his vehicle and even roll down the window. It is a short drive down the street. My daughter drives to meet him and he had her doing this as soon as she got her license which was pre-covid. I asked if he wears his mask when they walk together and she said that he doesn’t but Janice does because she has compromised health. So why does Janice Andrews even bother to go?

This women has proven time and time again that she is nothing but incredibly selfish and self-centered. She has no children so maybe she is just clueless. Maybe she is jealous; maybe she is insecure. Who knows? This is a woman who pursued a married man with kids, had no problem tearing apart a family, and invited my ex back to her house while her husband was away and slept with him in their bed. She is morally inept. I don’t know if she is amoral or immoral but this woman is base. I am guessing she celebrated Valentine’s Day with her husband in 2013 because mine celebrated with me, even though they also celebrated together on that weekend. She went to a Valentine’s dinner with my husband who gave her a gift that she asked him to exchange because she wanted a different, more expensive, Pandora charm than the one he gave her. So yep, this is a woman who cannot allow a dad a half hour walk with his daughter without creeping along beside them because some how it has to do with her.

My ex didn’t see my daughter for another 2 weeks. On the third week they walked again, exact same scenario, same place, same time, same masked Janice towing along, and my daughter was home at 2:00 p.m. If I hadn’t been heading out the door, I would have gone to Starbucks again with her because I feel like the time she spends with her dad and Janice just leaves her empty.

I have dated men with children and men that actually live with their kids or at least have them one week on and one week off. A man who does not have a relationship with his children is a huge red flag for me. I have never interfered with any activities that these dads and their kids were doing together. As as matter of fact, of these men, I have only been involved with the minor child of one. When I was dating a man who lived with his daughter I would go to their place and sometimes have dinner with them. The daughter came to my place at least once because she wanted to ask me if I would look after her cats for a couple of days. I helped them with a garage sale. I went with her dad to see where she worked as he was dropping off lunch for her (she gave me a tour) and I went with her dad to cheer her on at one sporting event, and that was it over a 2-year period. He got plenty of one-on-one time with his daughter, I never made it about me, and he saw her every day.

It could very well be that my ex knows he has been a shit dad and is just putting his time card in the slot to check off that he saw his kid, in case someone asks. It is a superficial relationship at best that he has single handedly destroyed with betrayal, maltreatment, callousness and neglect. He does not know his daughter and maybe it is extremely awkward and uncomfortable for him to be alone with her. Or maybe he and Janice have great plans on Sunday and have places to go before and after he checks off “dad stuff”. Janice certainly couldn’t just drive herself to meet him afterwards. It is okay for my daughter to have to do that but not for Janice.

Regardless, it is always now just about him; just about them. Mr. Dolittle with his masked Ms. Didenough.

adultery, children, family, graduation, Janice Andrews, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting after separation, separatiion

What Reality do they Live–the Preface?

The Preface:

My daughter graduated from university. My ex specifically tried to make it as strained and negative as he could for me failing to see how strained and negative he also made it for my children.

As previously shared, he planned a celebration; a celebration for him. There was no consideration of anyone else’s needs or wants; just his own. He insisted on being on the 9 am ferry to Vancouver the day before the grad. He refused to wait for my younger daughter to finish her first class at school, Math, her lowest mark. She could be picked up at 10 from school as soon as her class was finished but he told her she had to go with me because he wasn’t going to wait for the 11 ferry. He also told her I had to drop her off at his hotel for 4 p.m. She gave me a heads up about this a couple of days in advance and I made it very clear that I was not going to do that so she better make alternative plans with her dad. I was not allowing my ex to continue to think he could dictate to me what I was to do on his schedule without even asking me directly. I also made it clear I was no longer going to cover up for his behavior. The gig was up. At 21 and 17 years old, my girls are old enough to deal with the reality of their father. I was no longer serving any of us by trying to protect my girls from hurt feelings.

My ex would not even tell her where his hotel was so I could see if it even made sense for me to accommodate him. He only told her when we were in line for the ferry because he didn’t want me to stay at the same hotel. I explained that it was opposite to where I was going. I had dinner plans of my own with my 2 nieces and brother-in-law. Since my ex refused to allow me to be part of the my daughter’s graduation dinner I was certainly entitled to make alternate plans.

For 5 hours my daughter agonized and cried and was angry that he had no intention of picking her up from anywhere so she could meet them. She was angry at me that I wouldn’t drive her and she would not allow me to take her to the Skytrain to figure out how she could travel to get to her dad’s party. He finally told her at 3 p.m. that he would pay for a taxi for her to get to the patio where everyone was enjoying drinks. I took her to my hotel and arranged a cab.

The next day I arrived at my daughter’s campus at 7:30 a.m. for her 8:30 grad. My car died just when I arrived and had to be pushed into a disabled parking spot until after the ceremony. My grad daughter saw me and came over to say “hi” and to take a photo. She placed her wallet and tea on top of my car and then texted her friend to see what she should do with her phone during the ceremony. She ended up giving it to me and ran off to line up for her procession. My other daughter was texting me that she and her dad were in line and needed to know the ticket numbers so they didn’t use my ticket. I quickly threw my stuff in my car and went to meet them in line. I shared about my car trouble and my ex said, “It sucks to be you.”

I was surprised that my ex followed me so we could sit together. I asked him and my daughter which door we should enter and they didn’t care so I went to the one with the least traffic. We were directed to go to the end of the row so we were seated in the middle of a long row of people. The procession of faculty and honorees started and then the grads came in. We waved to my graduating daughter. She then signed to my younger daughter that she left her wallet on my car. My younger daughter failed to get the rest of the message. My grad daughter said it was no longer on my roof. My ex however insisted that I needed to get up immediately to go find it. I actually considered this but there was no way I could get out without major disruption and the ceremony was starting. He was livid I wasn’t going to go. I told him that he could go and I told him my car was right out front. He was so angry with this suggestion that my younger daughter was telling us both to be quiet to not discuss this further. My ex then called me “a giant turd”.

When the ceremony was over my ex left to find his parents and his girlfriend, the OW Janice Andrews. My younger daughter and I found my grad daughter in the rose garden and took pictures of her with her friends. When her grandparents appeared they were very cold towards me. I was the one that said “hi” to them first. I took pictures of them with my daughters using their camera. When my ex came he gave my daughter a card to call ‘Lost and Found’ about her wallet. It wasn’t there. She burst into tears. She was leaving the next day on a trip and had no ID, credit or debit cards now. I consoled her and said someone has it and it might just not have been turned in yet, not to give up hope and then I left to see if could do anything. The security guard that had helped me with my car saw the wallet and held on to it thinking it was mine. I brought it back to my daughter and we continued to take photos. While my grad daughter and I were having our photo taken I asked her if she would like a photo of her parents together with her and she said that would be nice. Her dad joined the photo and then so did her sister. I invited my ex’s parents to come in to the photo as well so she had a photo of her parents and grandparents but her grandmother instead said, “I would like a picture with Janice.” I left the photo and used my grad daughter’s phone to take those photos as well.

Afterwards, my younger daughter and I stayed on campus to await the tow truck and my grad daughter and her friend went back to her place by bus to pack for their trip. I was going to hopefully pick them up and take them to the ferry pending my car operating. My grad daughter texted me while we were waiting thanking me for being so nice to everyone. I told her that I always am nice to them but she is just never there to see it. When my ex, Janice and his parents come to my younger daughter’s dance or come to my house to pick her up I have never done anything or said anything. I have always been kind and courteous, took photos of everyone and even would take my mother-in-law to see my daughter back stage before her show.

Parallel Universe–see next post……

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, hypocrisy, in-laws, Janice Andrews, parenting after separation, relationships, single parent, the other woman

“You will always be our daughter-in-law”

Oh, the sentimental cliché that was uttered to me by my mother-in-law in the weeks following her realization that her son had in fact been cheating on me with another woman and had walked away from me and our children to pursue a relationship with Janice Andrews.

Fast forward 5 1/2 years and in that time there has been one phone call by my mother-in-law with my father-in-law on the other end and they brought me a birthday gift when they were in town 4 months later to see my daughter dance. Then…crickets. I reached out once by email to my in-laws, including my brother-in-law, about my ex’s disturbing behavior and my concern but no response. They have been to visit their son at least once/year and never once have they called or wanted to see me. I have seen them in passing at my daughter’s dance recitals during their visit but that was it. My father-in-law, in particular, especially during his visit this year, was extremely cold.

Two things got me thinking about this phrase. Firstly, I had coffee this morning with a friend of mine in her late 70’s and her husband in his 80’s. I have know their son and daughter-in-law for over 20 years. Their daughter-in-law had an affair on their son over a year ago and destroyed their marriage. There is no chance of reconciliation. Yet, even though their son was betrayed (and the details and consequences for him as a result of the affair were severe–he lead a church and lost his job) have indicated she will always be their daughter-in-law and they have proven it by continuing to have a close and personal relationship with her. My friend told me, “I forgive her.”

We talked about another couple that we both know, who are my age with 2 girls the same age as my girls. They are part of our little circle of church connections who migrated to Vancouver Island at the same time and who have also recently split. She told me that my girlfriend told her mother-in-law (we are also friends with her mother and father-in-law) she was so afraid she would lose her in the split. Her mother-in-law replied, “You will always be my daughter-in-law” and they continue to hike and kayak together even though her mother-in-law has fallen into a deep depression over the split and also as a result of her husband’s recent Parkinson’s Disease diagnosis.

My friend asked me this morning if I had a relationship with my in-laws. They had met them at our house during one of their visits. I told her that I did not. She was sorry. I didn’t cheat on their son so why did they betray me too? Why is that my friend is still able to embrace the daughter-in-law who has hurt her son and grandchildren and the rest of their family so cruelly and my in-laws don’t care about the mother who is trying so hard to raise their grandchildren despite everything their son has done to tear apart their lives.

Secondly, my ex sent me a bizarre email. This was a comment that he wrote at the end of a long rant about something completely unrelated:

“Do you think (my mom’s name) would act or request the things you do? She was selfless and always acted with kindness and regard for others. She always made a point of being inclusive when others were trying to exclude, such as (my brother-in-law’s name). You should try acting and honouring your mother rather than being the antithesis of everything she was and stood for.”

I have no idea why my ex suddenly brought my mom into his email and I was trying to understand why he was feeling excluded. He is correct that even after my sister and her husband separated my mom invited my brother-in-law to every birthday and special occasion dinner. It caused tension sometimes, especially for my sister, but we all see now how beneficial it was to everyone in the family in the long run and how amazing my mom was to put her relationship with my sister on the line to do what she felt was right and loving for her grandchildren especially but for the family as a whole because we are all still family. My mom practiced love and would have without a doubt, if she was here, done the same for my ex. I don’t think, however, he would have had the courage to step into her circle of love. A lot of my family did reach out to my ex after our split but he didn’t answer or return any of their calls. My girls have asked him to do things with me and them together but he has always refused. I told my ex, I would do things with him and our girls and put everything aside for those moments they needed for their well-being but he would not even try. He excluded himself. If he loved my mom so much as he claims that he did, why isn’t he honouring her by acting the way he says she acted. He loves to tell me what I “should” do and hold me to some standard while ignoring it himself. It is he who is the “antithesis”.

When I told my ex that I had no understanding of his comments about my mom and his feelings of being excluded in context to his email subject he responded:

“You’re exactly right you don’t understand. My point was that your mother didn’t take sides. She didn’t get caught up in the politics. She didn’t hold grudges. She didn’t try to paint people in a negative light. She looked for ways to try and draw people together despite difficult and challenging life situations. (My brother-in-law’s name) was a perfect example. He didn’t pay a dime of child or spousal support. Your sister didn’t want him around for family functions but your mother would always invite him. Make sure it was about the children and there being able to spend time with their Dad. Despite the fact that she may not have agreed or been happy with (my brother in-law’s name), she never spoke negatively in front of the kids and was trying to make the best of the situation. Completely opposite of what you have chosen to do.”

He praises my mom’s behavior but it is the complete opposite of what he and his family have done. I have no intention of ever doing anything with Janice Andrews but I have offered on many occasions to do the “family” thing for my girls. Maybe my ex should be sending his praise of my mom’s nature to his parents. After all, it was his mom that told my daughter this summer, “Your mom will always be our daughter-in-law but your dad is our son.” In reality her words are backed up by “Your mom will always be our daughter-in-law but we choose to wish the mistress Happy Birthday on Facebook instead.”

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, ex spouse, family, father/daughter, loss, Love, marriage, marriage breakdown, parenting after separation, unfaithfulness

Mr. Lakusu Stories

My 20-year old daughter posted this on her Facebook page on February 13. She was home this weekend and asked me if I saw it. I am not on Facebook very often and told her I had not. She said that her dad did. He messaged her and asked her what the post was all about. She said she felt it was important that people don’t take people for granted and that they are appreciated for all they do. He apparently replied that it was a good message. It certainly sounds like the story of our family. If it resonates with my ex–good:

“I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she ‘got’ me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us — our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie — everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual ‘Dad’ set up.

New beginnings

Life was sweet!

Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I’d treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret sets in

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too late

And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes — they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me.

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.”

“HOPE this helps a few marriages, Love and appreciate a Good woman”.

#Allos_of_Mr_Lakusu”

adultery, affair, cheating, children, dance, divorce, ex spouse, father/daughter, parenting after separation, separatiion, single parent

Fifteen–The age to stop showing your child you care

My 15-year old daughter has a week of open house at her dance studio where we can go in and watch her classes. The warm up, the technical exercises, the teaching method, the relationship between the dancers and the dancers and teacher gives you an appreciation of the work ethic, attitude, skill and effort it takes to put a dance together.

The Company group that she is involved with holds a fundraiser at this time; the dance studio provides coffee, tea and treats; and they take up a collection for coats and food for the local food bank. It is a great way to build community and to get to know my daughter’s friends, the parents of the friends that she spends the majority of her time with every week and her teachers.

I went to every one of her open house classes. I took photos and video. I contributed to the treats, volunteered to clean up one night and set up the coffee room another day. I helped sell popcorn for the fundraiser.

I know my ex gets the emails and information about the events at the studio and he has attended at least one of her classes during open house in the past. There is only one more day left this dance season for my ex to see our daughter in class. I asked her if he was going to attend. Her response was a look and, “What do you think?” She continued, “He said he didn’t understand why parents of kids my age would go to open houses especially when they will see the dance 5000 times.”

I have not been the only parent attending her classes. After she told me what her dad said I counted at the next class–9 dancers (2 were absent at a school Xmas band concert), 10 people watching both dads and moms and one sibling. Regarding the 2 kids missing–I sat beside the dad and mom of one dancer the previous night so I am sure they would have been there if she was dancing. The other dancer at the Xmas concert had a mom who was so sick. The mom texted me that she couldn’t go to the band concert (her dad was going) because she would be coughing all the way through it and she didn’t want to ruin the performance for everyone. She texted that she definitely shouldn’t be a the studio either but her other daughter wanted her to see her dance (especially since her dad was going to be at the concert) so she was going to pop in for a bit. I watched parents split up and take turns dividing their time in each class when they had more than one child dancing.

There is another group of dancers my daughter’s age that run parallel classes. Their ballet and jazz classes are too big so they created 2 separate classes. Others take classes that my daughter dropped–Hip Hop and Musical Theatre. I saw parents of those 15-year olds going into their classes as well.

I know parents have commitments and may not be able to make it but there was a lot of support for 15-year old children. It is nice to know that the majority seem to believe there is no age limit to your children benefiting from feeling like their parents love and support them and care about what they are doing.

My ex will not get to see our daughter dance any of the dances she is learning in these classes until March. The open house isn’t about watching the dance. They spent the last 2 minutes showing us the dance they are working on but those aren’t even completed yet. In her ballet class they performed a Xmas Nutcracker dance they worked on specifically for the open house.

Anything can happen. Living in the now is all we have. It is just more insight into my ex’s thinking–“I will support you in 3 months time but not right now. Maybe if you were younger you would get my time now.” Although history proved that wasn’t reality either.

adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, disappointment, divorce, ex spouse, family, Father/daughter relationship, in-laws, infidelity, parenting after separation

Putting on a Show

I drove my niece, my older daughter and my dancer daughter all to Fort Langley Saturday morning. My dancer had to be at the theatre for a lighting and technical blocking rehearsal at 12:45 p.m. She stayed at the studio until her 7:00 p.m. performance.

My niece, other daughter and I explored Fort Langley. I took them to the stores that I thought were interesting and we ate our way around the little town. Fort Langley is the birthplace of British Columbia and is filled with history. Fort Langley is the set for several movies, especially Hallmark Christmas movies. The yellow Community Hall is one of the landmarks to recognize this city location on screen. We had a really fun and enjoyable day and I am a little sad that this is my last weekend to be here for dance.

We met my brother-in-law for dinner at the Olive Garden at 4:30 p.m. I gave a heads up that Dave would be at the show as they haven’t seen him since our separation. My niece adamantly declared that he was no longer family. My brother-in-law disagreed and they had a bit of an argument over it. He said that his relationship and loyalty was with me as we had a long and close history. He stated that he was not close to David but pointed out that he never had any issues with him and that they had contact with each other on Facebook after our separation. (He had told me that previously and wanted to know at the time if that was hurtful to me that he reached out to him. Several of my family and friends had done the same and it was not hurtful but I learned my ex didn’t respond to the others) My brother-in-law told my niece that he got to choose who he considered to be family.

My niece then felt a little badly that Uncle David was going to be at the show alone and wondered if he should sit with us, of course, she said, with he and I being at opposite ends from each other. My daughter was at the table with us and we were very respectful in our discussions of the social awkwardness and hurt felt by everyone because of this tear in the family. I know from my discussions with my sister the night before that she would not be able to mask her feelings as easily and I was glad she wasn’t able to attend. She feels very duped by my ex. She called him a fraud to me on Friday night citing his praying at all our family meals and then contrasting that to her remembering his come-ons towards her at our last Christmas together (he was involved with Janice at that time already). She said it was wrong on every level. She recalled that he acted all the time like he was this great family guy when it was a lie. She said that she thought it was just the scotch he was drinking at Christmas but that the alcohol just revealed his true nature. Now that we all know, he didn’t have to pretend anymore. She said that she can see now he doesn’t even care about his children and feels the entire 23 years she knew him was just a facade.

When we got to the theatre we stepped into the long line up waiting for the doors to open. Dave was not there and I feared for my daughter that he wasn’t going to end up showing. I popped my head in to the studio so my daughter knew that I was there in the audience for her. My older daughter then said that her dad texted her and he was waiting in the parking lot. He wanted to know who from my family was there. He asked our daughter to save him a seat and to text him to let him know when he could go in. My niece commented that he is afraid to show himself because he knows he did something wrong.

We had extra seats in our row but after my daughter put down her coat she went to a different row to find a seat for her dad. When he came in, my brother-in-law and my niece both waved to him to attract his attention. He waved back and then came up to shake my brother-in-law’s hand and to hug my niece. I was very proud of my family for the kindness they showed to my children’s father. Dave and I, on the other hand, did not acknowledge each other.

It was a proud and emotional evening. A girl sang our national anthem beautifully and powerfully while we all stood and sang along and watched our dancers’ photos appear on the large screen on stage with their name over the maple leaf. I wondered how my ex felt listening to the MC who was a dance dad and had traveled with his daughter twice for Team Canada. He shared about the bond that grew because of those trips together. He shared about his understanding of the stress on the parents involved–the expense, the fundraising required and work that goes into getting kids to rehearsals, costuming, photograph sittings, press interviews, etc. My ex was not a part of any of that.

It was a short show–8 dances in the first half and 8 in the second half with a 30 minute intermission to buy 50/50 tickets, wine raffle tickets (40 bottles of wine to win), and silent auction items with the money raised all to support the team. My daughter’s group danced first so her dad left at intermission. He didn’t get to see her acknowledged at the end in her Team Canada jacket and he didn’t receive the team photo they handed out with all of the notes from the family wishing their dancer good luck on the back–I signed “love mom, dad and (older daughter’s name)” on my note to our daughter.

When we were at the ferry terminal heading back to Victoria we ran into friends. The mom asked our daughter if her dad came to see her dance. She said that he did but he left half way through. Our friend asked “why?” My daughter said it was because she danced first. She said, “He always does that.” I realized at that moment that she isn’t going to remember that her dad was there to see her dance. She is going to remember that he left.

adultery, affair, Cancer, control, divorce, infidelity, marriage, melanoma, narcissism, parenting after separation

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good: (Me)

I had my tumor removed yesterday and the doctor felt that it went well. She also took out a 5 mm perimeter around the tumor and went 5 mm deep. That sample is off to pathology. I am being referred to a cancer specialist who’s expertise is melanoma.

The Good: (Dave)

On February 1 Dave paid me the increase in my support payment as per the court order and a couple of hundred more to start covering the additional court order for arrears and court costs. On February 2 he sent me a payment of $3000 toward this amount and he said that he will send me another $3000 today and a payment tomorrow to resolve this order.

The Bad: (Me)

The doctor was frank and told me that she has seen marks smaller than mine caught earlier than mine be fatal. My Irish background has the strongest genetic disposition for melanoma and thinks that I will be advised to have genetic testing. She said that I need to eventually have a discussion with my girls about my diagnosis as they need to be aware for themselves and should also have genetic testing. She told me that Bob Marley died of melanoma. Obviously he has a very different skin type than me. His was on his foot and it was just thought to be a wart. The feet is apparently the worst place to have melanoma as it tends to be the most aggressive.

The Bad: (Dave)

Dave has confirmed he is going to go to send us to court again over pet expenses, the dance expenses and some other outstanding special expenses he doesn’t want to pay. He, also, claimed our older daughter on his taxes as a dependent for his 2014 return when she lived most the time during that year (8 out of the 12 months) with me. He didn’t even pay child support during that period. He knows that wasn’t right but it is more to his tax advantage. That doesn’t matter and now I am being taxed $732 for rightfully claiming her. I told Dave that he can pay me that amount if his tax savings is more and it has to be by February 5 so I don’t have to pay interest or this will become another Revenue Canada (he can be reassessed and have to pay more plus interest) and another legal issue. He said he isn’t paying and is going to fight his support payments because he thinks he missed something in mediation in my documentation that may have affected what he is paying.

The Ugly: (Me)

The cancerous mark on my right upper shoulder is actually called an “ugly duckling”. I am attaching a picture just so you can see what it looks like in case you ever see this on your body or some one else’s body.

20160111_151352

The Ugly: (Dave)

I am getting very adept at identifying the unreasonable, misplaced anger, blame and threatening dialogue of my ex.

He has been fairly consistent at picking up our daughter on Thursday night to take her to get dinner. He usually picks her up at 5:30 and drops her off by 7:30 at the latest, but usually earlier.

I contacted him on Tuesday to say that our daughter wasn’t able to meet him this Thursday so would he like to see her Friday night or Saturday instead. I don’t think that she has ever cancelled a Thursday night.

He said that wasn’t acceptable because he made plans for her to have dinner with his parents who are visiting for the month of February. He texted her and she told him that she was going to an open house that was being held at one of the high schools she is interested in attending in September.

I told Dave that she was sick too (she is off school today) so that might prevent her from doing anything. His response: “Oh but you can plan to take her to Claremont when you know my parents are here…big surprise.”

I told him that I have no control over when high schools hold their open house. It runs from 6 – 8 and she has a cavity to get filled before that at 4:30 p.m. Again, if she still feels like she does, she might not attend anything. I reminded him that his parents are here for a month and they can see her whenever she isn’t at school or dance practice or have plans that are important to her.

His response: “Oh thanks…as usual you do your own thing around your schedule not others. If (daughter) isn’t coming for dinner then there is no reason for me to be up the peninsula so she will have to wait until Saturday to get the raffle tickets and money.”

disappointment, divorce, parenting after separation, support

What’s his excuse this weekend?

It is my ex’s weekend to have our younger daughter. So far, he bailed on her Friday night and left her stranded at her dance studio. My older daughter told me he started drinking at the office before he went downtown for dinner (as is the Friday afternoon custom at their office) so he couldn’t have picked her up anyways.

On Saturday afternoon, my 2 daughters and my younger daughter’s friend and me drove up to Nanaimo. My younger daughter is in a dance festival competition. We have already drove up to Nanaimo twice this week for her performances. She didn’t place in her jazz solo but came in first in her musical theatre trio number. The festival is during the week so I am sure her dad would say he couldn’t be there because he had to work. Experience is that my ex can skip work for any reason he wants. He chooses what activities or situations he would like to use to not be available to work. This was not a worthy-in-his-eyes reason to not use work as an excuse to miss an important event for his daughter.

On Sunday she has to be there for 8:30 a.m. It is an hour and a half drive, rainy weather forecast, so we opt to get a hotel and go up the day before. We have a lot of fun. We stop and pick up treat-type food for the trip. The hotel has a pool so we swim, have dinner out, go bowling and go swimming again before bed.

My younger daughter tells me that her dad mentions that he wants to come up and see her and asks when she performs. She tells me she doesn’t want him there but she gave him all the information. I am not sure if it is because she thinks he’ll bring his girlfriend, the fact that he left her stranded on Friday or the fact that she doesn’t want to hope he’ll show up because he disappoints her time and time again.

He didn’t show up.

She placed 3rd out of 12 amazing tappers. I am so happy for her I cried. It was a very emotional experience for me. When we went shopping afterwards and for lunch, I would tell people who asked if she was part of the festival (hair and makeup gave it away) that they were talking to a 3rd place tapper.

She texted her dad to tell him the great news. I am sure he said lots of nice things to her but I can’t help but be so angry at him for not being there for his daughter to celebrate her success or to be there for encouragement if she didn’t place.

I know that I cannot control his actions. I can only control my response to his actions and this weekend was over-shadowed by my intense hatred for his behaviour. He is missing out on his kids’ life. I am the lucky one and the blessed one to be able to share in their experiences. This week was really a week of celebration and learning and growth for my younger daughter in performing and adjudication.

A theme of the adjudicator this week was this: It is only her opinion at this particular moment in time and it is so difficult to judge based on all the unique talent and routines that one is better than the other. However, it is a competition and she has to reward placements or not (some categories may have only received “participation” certificates if she didn’t award them a score deserving of any placement.) Authenticity is important. She does not like fake facial expressions and can see in the eyes if those expressions aren’t genuine. The piece of paper awarding you a placement is not the most important aspect of the experience. The adjudication sheet listing comments on how you can improve and the pointed out areas of strengths and weaknesses is the most important information to focus on.

My adjudication to my ex is similar. I have no dance experience or background. Yet, I was able to call the “first place” winner. Some things are just obvious. You, my ex, are a first place loser. Anyone who is aware of your priorities and lack of consciousness over your choices can call that one. You can say all the nice and supportive sounding things you want but authenticity is revealed by your actions. You don’t pay a dime towards her dance classes, her costumes, her festival fees, even though you signed a mediation agreement saying you would be paying for 50% of these fees until our house sells then it goes up to 70%; you don’t show up at her performances; you tell her she has to miss dance classes if it interferes with your schedule of hockey on days you are suppose to pick her up or drop her off and you don’t help with any fundraising or volunteering for her financial benefit. Just my opinion from my direct experience and witnessing over the past 2 1/2 years. But the most important opinion is that of your daughters.

divorce, lying selfishenss, parenting after separation

Flakey Father

Well, yet another disappointment in the world of father/daughter. This time he left his 12-year old stranded at her dance studio. It was the last class of the night and she was done at 7:30 this evening, Friday.

It was my older daughter that alerted me first that her dad wasn’t going to pick up her sister. I was just on my way out the door to meet friends for dinner. I texted him reminding him it was his weekend to pick up our daughter from dance. He said that she texted him last night saying she didn’t need a ride. When I told him that I suspected that was yet another one of his lies, he sent me a copy of the text. It said that she wasn’t sleeping over. She never wants to sleep at his place but he still picks her up and buys her McDonalds and drops her off at home. I asked to see what question he texted her first, but he never showed me.

I confirmed that I was not available to get her and that in fact she was expecting him to pick her up since we had that conversation before she went to school in the morning.

He never once apologized; not to me, not to our daughter. He sent me several texts with excuses–he was downtown having dinner, he didn’t have his car, she said she wasn’t sleeping over, etc.

I told him to take a cab and to meet his obligations and responsibilities to his daughter first. He seems to think he is punishing me by putting the burden on my shoulders and ruining my plans for the evening. He is clueless to how much he continues to hurt his relationship with his daughters by breaking their trust repeatedly.

My older daughter was also upset. She was expecting to go with her dad and her younger sister to dinner. She said she waited around and didn’t make any plans specifically to be able to do that. She was very concerned that her sister didn’t have a ride home. She contacted her dad to find out where his vehicle was so she could drive to get her sister. It was at Janice’s place. How can that woman think it is okay to be with a man as self-centred as my ex? She must recognize after being with him for 2 years after our separation that A) he rarely sees his youngest daughter but even rarely sees our older daughter who lives with him and B) there is a schedule that he breaks consistently. She must realize, hey, isn’t it your weekend? She has no kids but regardless I have friends without kids who consider his behaviour reprehensible. Does she feel good thinking he is putting her above his kids? No Janice, he is only putting himself above the needs of his kids. I find his behaviour to be the biggest turn off but this woman has no conscience or she wouldn’t have gone after a married man with kids in the first place screwing around and lying to her husband in the process.

At 7:40 p.m. my daughter called me. I had just been served my dinner at the restaurant. “Dad forgot to pick me up.” There was only one friend left at the dance studio waiting for her ride. Thankfully, they took my daughter with them. I texted my ex to say where she was and where he could pick her up but he never responded.

I picked up my younger daughter and I drove a half hour in the opposite direction to get my older daughter. We came back to my place for a sleep over and we played board games for the rest of the night and laughed a lot.

The 3 of us are driving up to Nanaimo tomorrow to stay over night to support my younger daughter in her dance competition on Sunday. Her dad has not seen one of her solo performances this year and bailed on the second show of her group performances. She said she doesn’t want him to come. I think that is easier to deal with than wanting him there but knowing he won’t show up. He still isn’t paying a dime towards her dance as per the mediation agreement that he continues to be in breach of since November 2014.

My older daughter and I are going to a university open house on Tuesday night. She got a ticket for her dad but he doesn’t want to go. He never went to university so he may not find this event important but it underscores his lack of support for his daughters. For me, it underscores that if my daughter does go back home to university that my younger daughter and I may move back home with her her too. I never would have taken my kids away from their dad but he really couldn’t care less.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: parenting after separation