Category Archives: family

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, ego, ex spouse, family, graduation, hypocrisy, Janice Andrews, marriage breakdown, separatiion, the other woman

What Reality do they Live–Parallel Universe?

Parallel Universe:

To say there was angst amongst our family prior to the grad is an understatement.

My grad daughter wrote a very mature group email to her dad and me simply expressing her wishes for the day and asking about the plans. Instead of responding to her direct questions my ex started to talk about me “suing” him; the “utter crap” I write in my blog; stating that I have “lied to the kids for years to gain favour”; that I have “lied for financial gain at (his) expense”; that “(his) parents are well aware of (my) actions and they have no interest in spending a second with (me)”;  that “you are disgraceful and will never sit at a table with my family again.” There is much, much more but you get the gist of his rant.

On top of this, I went to his place in person to talk to him.  He saw me and knew I was there yet he sent Janice to answer the door.  I asked to speak with Dave and she said, “No!” She shut the door and walked away. I simply left.  I have never gone to his place in 6 years to talk to him about anything.  As soon as I got home my grad daughter texted me asking if I went to Janice’s place to “confront” her.  Firstly, I didn’t know it was Janice’s place and that he moved in with her, neither did my kids. Secondly, confront her about what? Thirdly, my ex and/or Janice texted my child to involve her in something she didn’t need to know. He put our child in the middle yet again.  They told my grad daughter that I only knew he moved in with Janice because I hacked into one of his accounts. Then they texted my younger daughter accusing her of brining me to Janice’s place.  She knew nothing about it so now both my kids are terrified I am dying or something as they would never think I would go there unless it was a matter of life or death. Not only that, Janice Andrews called the police to report an “incident”. They wanted the police to call me to say that I wasn’t welcome at their place.

My kids were losing sleep, crying and extremely stressed over this entire grad fiasco. And yet when it was all over what does my ex write to both my children?  This:

“Below was a post I read from a woman I’m a friend with on FB. Couldn’t have been said any better. 

When Mike and I divorced things weren’t pretty, feelings were hurt, on both sides…one thing I knew was in-spite of how we ever treated each other, or how ugly things got between us…I took a vow on the day I got married…”in good times and bad”. The bad had happened we divorced our family unit split up…why should that vow cease to matter in divorce? Ego should never be bigger than the love for our children and what is best for them…we don’t have the right to make them uncomfortable, or choose, or see their other parent painted in a bad light fueled by our hate.  I had an amazing day spent with my ex husband sharing “our” daughters graduation.  Family came together… My ex Father in Law and Mike’s ex Mother in law and we sat after all of us and enjoyed a meal together and family photos…creating more memories for our daughter to take along with her for a lifetime. It was her day..she earned it, worked for it…and that’s why we were there to celebrate her and that our efforts combined as her mother and father helped get her there and not create unnecessary obstacles and emotional long term damage along that journey of her life.  I am fortunate to have married a man that in divorce has been able to also put ego aside and love his daughter first and foremost and be a supportive ex husband and friend. Just because. Marriage ends a family does not…relationships don’t end, they change. Their dynamic changes…and we have to ask ourselves what you want that dynamic to look like and is my ego really more important than my child’s overall well being for a lifetime to come…do I want a life time hating and fighting and never winning battle. No body wins…not him, not me, not the children when you spread hate. Just because an ex may have been a bad wife, or bad husband doesn’t mean they are a bad parent…focus on rebuilding even better and not what was lost.  Thanks Mike for being an amazing dad and friend!”

Janice Andrews responded: “Beautiful” with a heart beside it.

My kids did not respond.

Standard
adultery, children, family, graduation, Janice Andrews, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting after separation, separatiion

What Reality do they Live–the Preface?

The Preface:

My daughter graduated from university. My ex specifically tried to make it as strained and negative as he could for me failing to see how strained and negative he also made it for my children.

As previously shared, he planned a celebration; a celebration for him. There was no consideration of anyone else’s needs or wants; just his own. He insisted on being on the 9 am ferry to Vancouver the day before the grad. He refused to wait for my younger daughter to finish her first class at school, Math, her lowest mark.  She could be picked up at 10 from school as soon as her class was finished but he told her she had to go with me because he wasn’t going to wait for the 11 ferry. He also told her I had to drop her off at his hotel for 4 p.m.  She gave me a heads up about this a couple of days in advance and I made it very clear that I was not going to do that so she better make alternative plans with her dad. I was not allowing my ex to continue to think he could dictate to me what I was to do on his schedule without even asking me directly.  I also made it clear I was no longer going to cover up for his behavior. The gig was up.  At 21 and 17 years old, my girls are old enough to deal with the reality of their father.  I was no longer serving any of us by trying to protect my girls from hurt feelings.

My ex would not even tell her where his hotel was so I could see if it even made sense for me to accommodate him.  He only told her when we were in line for the ferry because he didn’t want me to stay at the same hotel.  I explained that it was opposite to where I was going.  I had dinner plans of my own with my 2 nieces and brother-in-law. Since my ex refused to allow me to be part of the my daughter’s graduation dinner I was certainly entitled to make alternate plans.

For 5 hours my daughter agonized and cried and was angry that he had no intention of picking her up from anywhere so she could meet them. She was angry at me that I wouldn’t drive her and she would not allow me to take her to the Skytrain to figure out how she could travel to get to her dad’s party. He finally told her at 3 p.m. that he would pay for a taxi for her to get to the patio where everyone was enjoying drinks. I took her to my hotel and arranged a cab.

The next day I arrived at my daughter’s campus at 7:30 a.m. for her 8:30 grad. My car died just when I arrived and had to be pushed into a disabled parking spot until after the ceremony. My grad daughter saw me and came over to say “hi” and to take a photo.  She placed her wallet and tea on top of my car and then texted her friend to see what she should do with her phone during the ceremony.  She ended up giving it to me and ran off to line up for her procession.  My other daughter was texting me that she and her dad were in line and needed to know the ticket numbers so they didn’t use my ticket. I quickly threw my stuff in my car and went to meet them in line.  I shared about my car trouble and my ex said, “It sucks to be you.”

I was surprised that my ex followed me so we could sit together.  I asked him and my daughter which door we should enter and they didn’t care so I went to the one with the least traffic.  We were directed to go to the end of the row so we were seated in the middle of a long row of people. The procession of faculty and honorees started and then the grads came in. We waved to my graduating daughter. She then signed to my younger daughter that she left her wallet on my car. My younger daughter failed to get the rest of the message. My grad daughter said it was no longer on my roof.  My ex however insisted that I needed to get up immediately to go find it. I actually considered this but there was no way I could get out without major disruption and the ceremony was starting.  He was livid I wasn’t going to go.  I told him that he could go and I told him my car was right out front.  He was so angry with this suggestion that my younger daughter was telling us both to be quiet to not discuss this further.  My ex then called me “a giant turd”.

When the ceremony was over my ex left to find his parents and his girlfriend,  the OW Janice Andrews. My younger daughter and I found my grad daughter in the rose garden and took pictures of her with her friends. When her grandparents appeared they were very cold towards me.  I was the one that said “hi” to them first.  I took pictures of them with my daughters using their camera. When my ex came he gave my daughter a card to call ‘Lost and Found’ about her wallet. It wasn’t there.  She burst into tears.  She was leaving the next day on a trip and had no ID, credit or debit cards now. I consoled her and said someone has it and it might just not have been turned in yet, not to give up hope and then I left to see if could do anything.  The security guard that had helped me with my car saw the wallet and held on to it thinking it was mine.  I brought it back to my daughter and we continued to take photos. While my grad daughter and I were having our photo taken I asked her if she would like a photo of her parents together with her and she said that would be nice.  Her dad joined the photo and then so did her sister.  I invited my ex’s parents to come in to the photo as well so she had a photo of her parents and grandparents but her grandmother instead said, “I would like a picture with Janice.” I left the photo and used my grad daughter’s phone to take those photos as well.

Afterwards, my younger daughter and I stayed on campus to await the tow truck and my grad daughter and her friend went back to her place by bus to pack for their trip.  I was going to hopefully pick them up and take them to the ferry pending my car operating.  My grad daughter texted me while we were waiting thanking me for being so nice to everyone.  I told her that I always am nice to them but she is just never there to see it.  When my ex, Janice and his parents come to my younger daughter’s dance or come to my house to pick her up I have never done anything or said anything. I have always been kind and courteous, took photos of everyone and even would take my mother-in-law to see my daughter back stage before her show.

Parallel Universe–see next post……

Standard
adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, ex spouse, family, father/daughter, loss, Love, marriage, marriage breakdown, parenting after separation, unfaithfulness

Mr. Lakusu Stories

My 20-year old daughter posted this on her Facebook page on February 13.  She was home this weekend and asked me if I saw it.  I am not on Facebook very often and told her I had not.  She said that her dad did. He messaged her and asked her what the post was all about.  She said she felt it was important that people don’t take people for granted and that they are appreciated for all they do.  He apparently replied that it was a good message.  It certainly sounds like the story of our family.  If it resonates with my ex–good:

“I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.

We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.

I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.

We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she ‘got’ me.

This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.

Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.

I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.

She spent her free time taking care of us — our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.

Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie — everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.

We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!

I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual ‘Dad’ set up.

New beginnings

Life was sweet!

Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.

But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!

We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.

I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.

Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.

Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.

I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I’d treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.

If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.

She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.

I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!

Regret sets in

But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.

And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.

Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.

My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.

Too late

And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.

She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.

I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.

I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes — they got married.

My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.

She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.

It should have been me.

Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.

Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?

Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love.”

“HOPE this helps a few marriages, Love and appreciate a Good woman”.

#Allos_of_Mr_Lakusu”

Standard
adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, disappointment, divorce, ex spouse, family, Father/daughter relationship, in-laws, infidelity, parenting after separation

Putting on a Show

I drove my niece, my older daughter and my dancer daughter all to Fort Langley Saturday morning.  My dancer had to be at the theatre for a lighting and technical blocking rehearsal at 12:45 p.m.  She stayed at the studio until her 7:00 p.m. performance.

My niece, other daughter and I explored Fort Langley.  I took them to the stores that I thought were interesting and we ate our way around the little town.  Fort Langley is the birthplace of British Columbia and is filled with history. Fort Langley is the set for several movies, especially Hallmark Christmas movies. The yellow Community Hall is one of the landmarks to recognize this city location on screen. We had a really fun and enjoyable day and I am a little sad that this is my last weekend to be here for dance.

We met my brother-in-law for dinner at the Olive Garden at 4:30 p.m.  I gave a heads up that Dave would be at the show as they haven’t seen him since our separation.  My niece adamantly declared that he was no longer family.  My brother-in-law disagreed and they had a bit of an argument over it.  He said that his relationship and loyalty was with me as we had a long and close history. He stated that he was not close to David but pointed out that he never had any issues with him and that they had contact with each other on Facebook after our separation. (He had told me that previously and wanted to know at the time if that was hurtful to me that he reached out to him. Several of my family and friends had done the same and it was not hurtful but I learned my ex didn’t respond to the others)  My brother-in-law told my niece that he got to choose who he considered to be family.

My niece then felt a little badly that Uncle David was going to be at the show alone and wondered if he should sit with us, of course, she said, with he and I being at opposite ends from each other.  My daughter was at the table with us and we were very respectful in our discussions of the social awkwardness and hurt felt by everyone because of this tear in the family.  I know from my discussions with my sister the night before that she would not be able to mask her feelings as easily and I was glad she wasn’t able to attend.   She feels very duped by my ex.  She called him a fraud to me on Friday night citing his praying at all our family meals and then contrasting that to her remembering his come-ons towards her at our last Christmas together (he was involved with Janice at that time already). She said it was wrong on every level. She recalled that he acted all the time like he was this great family guy when it was a lie.  She said that she thought it was just the scotch he was drinking at Christmas but that the alcohol just revealed his true nature. Now that we all know, he didn’t have to pretend anymore. She said that she can see now he doesn’t even care about his children and feels the entire 23 years she knew him was just a facade.

When we got to the theatre we stepped into the long line up waiting for the doors to open.  Dave was not there and I feared for my daughter that he wasn’t going to end up showing.  I popped my head in to the studio so my daughter knew that I was there in the audience for her.  My older daughter then said that her dad texted her and he was waiting in the parking lot.  He wanted to know who from my family was there.  He asked our daughter to save him a seat and to text him to let him know when he could go in.  My niece commented that he is afraid to show himself because he knows he did something wrong.

We had extra seats in our row but after my daughter put down her coat she went to a different row to find a seat for her dad.  When he came in, my brother-in-law and my niece both waved to him to attract his attention.  He waved back and then came up to shake my brother-in-law’s hand and to hug my niece.  I was very proud of my family for the kindness they showed to my children’s father. Dave and I, on the other hand, did not acknowledge each other.

It was a proud and emotional evening.  A girl sang our national anthem beautifully and powerfully while we all stood and sang along and watched our dancers’ photos appear on the large screen on stage with their name over the maple leaf. I wondered how my ex felt listening to the MC who was a dance dad and had traveled with his daughter twice for Team Canada.  He shared about the bond that grew because of those trips together.  He shared about his understanding of the stress on the parents involved–the expense, the fundraising required and work that goes into getting kids to rehearsals, costuming, photograph sittings, press interviews, etc.  My ex was not a part of any of that.

It was a short show–8 dances in the first half and 8 in the second half with a 30 minute intermission to buy 50/50 tickets, wine raffle tickets (40 bottles of wine to win), and silent auction items with the money raised all to support the team. My daughter’s group danced first so her dad left at intermission.  He didn’t get to see her acknowledged at the end in her Team Canada jacket and he didn’t receive the team photo they handed out with all of the notes from the family wishing their dancer good luck on the back–I signed “love mom, dad and (older daughter’s name)” on my note to our daughter.

When we were at the ferry terminal heading back to Victoria we ran into friends.  The mom asked our daughter if her dad came to see her dance.  She said that he did but he left half way through.  Our friend asked “why?” My daughter said it was because she danced first. She said, “He always does that.”    I realized at that moment that she isn’t going to remember that her dad was there to see her dance.  She is going to remember that he left.

 

 

 

 

 

Standard
adultery, affair, Betrayal, Cancer, cheating, children, Christianity, divorce, ex spouse, family, infidelity, melanoma

Cancer

Sometime in 2012, when I was under the illusion that I was happily married, I noticed a dark mark on my right upper arm.  At first I thought it was my vaccination mark.  Then I realized that my vaccination is on my left arm and that it looked the same as always.  This was something new.

That summer I went to my doctor’s office to have it checked.  My doctor was on vacation so I consulted the locum taking her place.  She examined the mark but felt that it was nothing and suggested that I just watch it for changes.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years now that my life has finally settled enough for me to consider my own health.  I went to my doctor for my first physical since my separation.  I showed my doctor the mark and she was concerned.  She said she was sure it was a basal cell carcinoma, the best kind of skin cancer to have, but that it needed to be removed. She referred me to a specialist.

The specialist had a different concern.  She looked at the cells through a special microscope and said that she didn’t like what she was seeing.  She was surprised at how large the mark was and said that it was too big for her to remove without leaving terrible scarring.  She was going on holidays at the end of the week but wanted it biopsied before she left. She asked her nurse to book time for me, even if it meant she had to stay late one night because we needed to see what we were dealing with as quickly as possible.

She cut out an elliptical cross-section of the mark.  She sewed the skin back up with dissolving stitches in the under layers and nylon stitches on top.  I returned 2 weeks later to have the top stitches removed but the pathology report still wasn’t in.  She said she was going to follow up directly with the lab to get the report.

Tonight I received a call from the specialist from her home after hours.  The pathology report confirms that I have the aggressive and most dangerous skin cancer, melanoma.  I have to call her office tomorrow to make an appointment to go back in next week to determine the next steps.

Melanoma is the least common of skin cancers but it causes the most deaths.  If it is not treated early enough it can spread through the blood stream to other parts of the body making it difficult to treat.  I feel like close to 4 years of this growth on my body is not early intervention.

I am disappointed with myself for not following my gut that this was something that needed to be removed when I first found it.  I am also being compassionate with myself though.  It is very fresh in my mind the last 3 years of hell that have been my reality. Especially because many aspects of that daily battle still exist. When I reflect back on what I was dealing with emotionally and the tasks that I had to perform physically and mentally, all by myself, just surviving each day was a victory in itself.  The worry and stress I carried for me and my children and the responsibilities that were now solely dumped on me along with the impact of the consequences of my husband bailing on his family buried me. It is no wonder that my own physical well-being fell so low on the priority list.

So as I read an email that Dave just sent addressed to “Robo McBlobo” I am reminded that I have strength of character, perseverance, faith, hope and trust in a greater purpose that will allow me to deal with whatever this cancer has in store for me.

Standard
adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, Ex, family, Residence, University

Taking my daughter to university

As many times as my oldest daughter asked my ex to take me with them so she could be with both of her parents to travel to university, he refused.  She contacted me the day before she had to move into residence and told me she asked one last time but her dad said, “No!”   I assured her not to worry that I would still be there.  She told me that my ex booked a reservation on the 8:00 a.m. ferry so I told her that I would be on the same one.

I arrived at the ferries at 7:15 a.m. lining up with the other vehicles waiting to board. I went into the terminal to get something to eat for breakfast. When I came out and was walking back to my car, my younger daughter called my name. She was in the front passenger seat of a vehicle I didn’t recognize.  It was a white pick-up truck.  Both girls told me later that their dad had purchased a new vehicle.

I walked over and said “hi” to my girls.  My younger daughter was so happy she spotted me. She beamed that she could see my hair in the window so she knew I was there. I confirmed with my older daughter the name of her residence house. There are 8 houses and they have some difficult First Nation names and spellings. I told them I would meet them at the university. Then I went back to my vehicle and waited to load.

On the ferry, I sat in a row of seats by a window.  With it being the start of a long weekend it was very busy but I actually had a row of seats to myself.  I was reading for about 30 minutes when my kids found me and sat down beside me. They had gone for breakfast first. Their dad sat down with them. We each conversed with our children but didn’t say a word to each other. It made no difference to me at all that he was there.

We returned to our cars after the 1 hour and 35 minute ferry ride and then I drove by myself for the next hour to travel to the university. I ran into them as I was walking to my daughter’s residence and they were returning to my ex’s truck.  They had unloaded everything and now needed to move his vehicle to the parkade where my car was already parked. My daughter asked her dad if he would just let me walk back with them and drive with them so we could all stay together. He said that there was no room.  My daughter tried to explain to me where to go and I told her not to worry about it, that I would find it, and just meet them back at her room.

I met some great people on the way to her dorm. I chatted with parents and students about where they were from, why they chose this university, which residence would be their new home, etc.  It was a gorgeous, sunny day and there were tons of students dressed in bright blue shirts that were guides and question answerers to make everyone’s transition smooth. I bought my daughter a plant and then headed to her house with the personal guidance of one of the blue shirt students.

My daughter’s roommate hadn’t arrived yet.  We all helped our freshman unpack and set up her room. When we were done her dad left to go back home.  My younger daughter and I stayed and we all went for lunch in the residence dining hall. There was a great selection of food. Then we went back to her room and met her new roommate and mom from Winnipeg. They were so nice. They had never been to Victoria before so I invited her to come back with my daughter for Thanksgiving. They invited us to their cabin in Minnesota.

My younger daughter and I said our goodbyes and left to do some back-to-school shopping in Vancouver. Then we went to my sister’s house for dinner. Two of my nieces and their live-in boyfriends joined us. It was a whirlwind visit as the last ferry departed at 9:00 p.m. and we had at least a 40-minute drive to get there. It was so wonderful to see them. It had been almost 2 years since our last visit. We would have stayed over if I didn’t have pets to get back to and my other niece and brother-in-law were planning on visiting us the next day to go to the fair. We made it to the ferry with enough time to run into the terminal to buy an ice cream cone before being called to our vehicles to get ready to load.

My university daughter texted me just before we boarded the ferry. She thanked me for coming even though her dad tried to make it difficult for me to be there and for the “survival kit” that I left her. She had a very fun ‘Welcome BBQ’ for her house and said that she had met a ton of friends already from all over the world. She was off to play board games.

I am so excited for this new chapter in her life.  I feel like we managed, for the most part, to make the day all about her.

Standard
adultery, cheating, children, deceit, destruction, divorce, family, lying, other woman

The Boov

outdoor movie, Home, in Parksville

When my youngest daughter (13 years old) and I were on vacation this summer in Parksville, BC, we decided to go to an outdoor showing of the movie Home.  She had already seen it with my ex and the other woman, Janice Andrews.

The movie started at dusk which happened to be 9:56 p.m. It was held at a huge park near the ocean. It was very busy with people and cars and there was a lot going on around the park including a sand castle/sculpture competition and a huge playground/water park area. We set up our chairs, blankets and snacks with friends of ours (another mom and her 2 kids, one who is my daughter’s best friend) who were also vacationing in Parksville.

Just before the movie was about to start my daughter decided she needed to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t want her to go alone so I said I would come with her.  Just when we were at the edge of the park the movie started to play.  She said, “Mom, you need to see the beginning. You stay.”  I looked around to see if there might be a bathroom closer, even a port-a-potty, as the bathrooms we went to before we set up were really far away and it was now dark. There was nothing.  I hesitated and told her that I didn’t feel great about her going alone but she said, “Just wait here” and she ran off.

As soon as she left I regretted letting her go.  She didn’t have her phone with her and I didn’t have mine with me.  I was afraid she wouldn’t even be able to find the bathroom.  I considered running after her but had a quick vision of her deciding not to go alone and coming back to find me not in my spot. Then while the minutes passed I contemplated going to meet her but didn’t want to miss her in case we took different paths.  I tried to focus on what was happening at the start of the movie as my daughter obviously felt it was important but I kept turning to look for her.  In probably less than 10 minutes she was back.  I told her that I was so relieved to see her, regretted letting her go alone and that I was so grateful she was back safely.  She said it was scary and she ran the entire way.

Interestingly enough, the movie ran 2 parallel themes of what I just experienced. One theme involved a young daughter, Tip, who had been separated from her mom after the Boov invaded Earth. Tip hated The Boov for taking her mom from her and did everything to hurt them, stop them and escape them.  The Boov are selfish, lying, aliens who displaced all humans for their own self-interest. They were so self-absorbed they weren’t even kind to other Boov in their own species.

Then there is The Gorg. The Gorg was chasing The Boov because the leader of the Boov stole an egg containing the last of the Gorg species.

After the movie, I was reflecting on the commentary and wondered if my ex and Janice were at all uncomfortable with this theme as they watched with my daughter.  After all, they destroyed family. My daughter and I talked about this as we walked back to our car. We talked about how she would do anything to track me down if we were separated from each other and I told her that I would be like the Gorg and would never stop searching for her.  Then we discussed that Janice was like The Boov.  It made no difference to her that my ex had a wife and kids. She was self-seeking and lied and schemed to her own husband to go after what she wanted.

This movie gave us a nickname for Janice Andrews.  Now we just call her “The Boov”.

 

 

 

Standard
adultery, affair, childrent, divorce, family, in-laws, separation, travel

The ex takes a vacation

My ex, for the first time since our separation, took our girls on vacation.  He took them back to Ontario only because his parents paid for their flights with air miles and he was allowed to bring the other woman.

It will be interesting to see how that goes as both my ex’s mom was cheated on by my father-in-law and my ex’s brother was cheated on by his ex wife.  I know the feelings that were relived by both of them when I experienced the same thing and how devastated they were that it was their own son/brother causing the pain.  The other woman will always be judged by them and seen for what she did.  They loved me and she took that relationship away from them. She is a reminder to them of a very ugly period in their own lives. She is that symbol and she is the cause for the destruction of their son/brother’s family that they loved as it was part of them too. She is only with my ex because she found no issue with fooling around with a married man or tearing apart his family and they are strongly against that and what she stands for and represents.  The ripple effect of her actions did not miss my ex’s family and I suspect none of them will be too thrilled to spend a week with her.  I know my kids are not happy about it.  But I know everyone will pretend.  This is the first time my ex’s brother, his wife and their son will see my girls or my ex since our separation.

They were flying out very early on Thursday morning.  As such, my ex canceled taking my younger daughter to dinner on Tuesday and instead decided he would just take her Wednesday night and have her sleep over afterwards. On Tuesday night at 10:30 p.m. my ex texted me the following:  “Please have the girls birth certificates ready for when I pick up (our younger daughter’s name) at 5:30. Thank you.”

Firstly, I have to say that I asked my ex to provide me with their flight details and he said that he didn’t have that information with him to give me at the time I asked.  He never did get me that information.  Anything I ask him for he refuses, denies, and avoids.  I still haven’t been reimbursed the $197 he owes me and I have incurred further expenses that he owes now too.  He is aware of this. It has been more than 3 weeks since I have provided him with receipts that he tried desperately to make sure I couldn’t get to him. Now he wants me to give him birth certificates.  I have no idea why these are needed? They aren’t needed. They are flying in Canada so all they have to have is government issued photo ID.  My older daughter has her driver’s license and my younger daughter has her passport.

So my response was : “You can have them in exchange for the cheque you owe me.  No cheque, no certificates.”

His response:  “You can’t hold me and the girls hostage (my name). I’ll have (his lawyer’s name) call (my lawyer’s name) in the morning.”

I told him about the other receipts I had for his reimbursement and that he could review them when he picks up our daughter and leave a cheque for those as well. These are all expenses he agreed to pay as per our mediation agreement.

His response:  “You can’t demand anything. I can pay items agreed upon in a reasonable time period not when you demand it. You can’t withhold giving me their travel documents. Legally, you have no grounds. I will get an order if necessary tomorrow and will ask for costs because of your unreasonable nature.”

I reminded him again of who has been unreasonable for 2 1/2 years and that 3 weeks to review receipts he agreed to pay in mediation especially when it is a binding, legal agreement is unreasonable. I also told him I just went through a big move, had so many boxes to unpack still that I didn’t even know if I could find birth certificates.  This is true.  I kept out my daughter and my passports and put those in my purse but all other documents are boxed up together in my filing case.  My ex told me I would hear from my lawyer in the morning. He added that his demand of a birth certificate is not unreasonable and what a joke if I wouldn’t provide them. He added, “And you wonder why people don’t want to help you??”

I responded, “And reimbursing me for expenses you owe is so unreasonable.”

He texted back, “That has nothing to do with your responsibility to provide their travel documents. I’m not wasting time discussing with you. You can pay your lawyer $300/hour to tell you to provide them.” Then he went on to say that I have his birth certificate and social insurance number, too so for me to get those ready to give him along with another cheque for my lawyer.  I don’t have any of his documents.  I gave him all of his stuff 2 1/2 years ago.

I started to think that he let his passport expire.  I know he never renewed my older daughter’s passport.  I gave her an application to get this done as well as her expired passport.  I followed up with her to do it and she kept saying her dad was going to do it and fast track it but it never got done.  I knew my older daughter had her driver’s license and that my ex had travelled since our separation so he had to have documentation to do this. It is very typical of him to leave this all so last minute to make any requests. He never had to worry about travel documents in the past, especially for our children.  I handled every detail with respect to our trips.  He only packed his clothes for himself.

The next morning he texted saying he contacted his lawyer and he will do whatever is necessary to force me to turn over what he is requesting and will seek costs against me. He adds, “Hmm for someone who beckons she’s moved on and that I exhibit controlling behaviour you should think again. This reeks of the opposite.  Enjoy paying your lawyer today. Hope it’s worth it.”

Then he texted my daughter telling her to make me give her all the birth certificates.  I assured her that she did not have to get involved in any of daddy’s requests to me and that daddy can deal with mommy directly.  I assured her that she had her passport and that she did not need any other travel documents. She said that she had to respond back to her dad.  I told her to tell him that she had her passport and that mommy said anything else he wanted he could talk to mommy about.

He picked her up at 6:30 p.m. I waited outside with her for the hour that he was late.  He did let her know he was running late. My daughter was worried his girlfriend might be with him.  I assured her I had no such worries and she needn’t worry about that. When he arrived, my ex and I didn’t even look at each other and we exchanged no words.  My daughter and I hugged and kissed goodbye while he loaded her suitcase into his vehicle. I wished her an excellent vacation and truly meant it.  I am missing her so much and it has only been 2 days.

I scheduled an appointment with my lawyer to find a solution to be able to disengage with my ex completely as I decided enough is enough for me.  It is clear my ex will never be able to deal with me directly regardless of any agreements in place.

Standard
adultery, affair, cheating, divorce, family, friends, God, support, vacation

Family Vacation

A week after discovering my husband’s affair, I still went on our booked March break family vacation.

It was supposed to be my husband, me and our 2 girls visiting his parents in Englewood, Florida for 2 weeks and then heading up to Orlando to Disney World and Universal Studios for week number three. I was traveling with our youngest daughter for the first week and my husband and our older daughter were joining us for the last 2 weeks.  My younger daughter and I were going to visit my birth mom, step father, sister, brother-in-law and 3 nieces in Naples during our first week.

As soon as my husband learned we discovered his affair he sent me an email that read, “Cancel my flight.” My older daughter’s best friend ending up taking my ex’s place.

It turned out to be one the best vacations we ever experienced.  We had so much fun.  We did some crazy girl things we would never have done with my ex present. After the devastation my ex had just caused us we were more caring of each other, more open, honest, kinder and closer.

I felt like God was there all the way sending me little reminders of his love through friends, family, random incidents, my girls and their friend as well as my older daughter’s friend’s dad who came down and surprised us (he’s a pilot) treating us to an amazing dinner in Downtown Disney.

We also met an amazing man in the hot tub who was so kind and wonderful to all of us.  He invited us to attend events with him that we wouldn’t have known about otherwise. He took my camera and snapped random shots of me and my girls. My younger daughter was always asking to go to the pool at 9:00 p.m. for our regular rendezvous with him and watched the gate eagerly for him to arrive.  The pool caretakers allowed him to stay in the pool area after hours and to close up when he was done so it was midnight sometimes when we returned home (with our time change it was only 9:00 p.m.).  He bought lanterns for all of us one night that we lit and wished on and released to the sky.  He introduced us to his friends and we had great little parties. He made me feel desirable (although I did not attend his private invites I certainly considered it and my older daughter encouraged me to go!) We would talk for at least 2 hours every night and he gave a lot of attention to my kids. He kissed me (my daughter’s friend saw that one) and told me he thought I was the most amazing women and mother.

I also had so much support from my best friends from Ontario and it was a blessing to be able to get the support of my family and even in-laws in person at this life-changing point. It turned out that one of my best friends who just moved to Sarasota was only a 15 minute drive from my in-laws place.  We talked on the phone daily and we visited often over the 2 weeks. My other girlfriend from Ontario flew down to support me and brought her daughter to be there for my daughter.  My other best friend, who I have known literally all my life, changed her family vacation plans and drove completely out of their way with her husband and 3 kids just to give me a hug. My mother-in-law shared with me about my father-in-law’s infidelity and she told me how much she felt my pain.  She assured me she knew exactly what I was experiencing.

If this vacation had not been planned before discovering the affair I wouldn’t have gone.  It involved a lot of driving and one parent with 3 children had it’s challenges but I would not go back and change a thing.

I have since taken my children on several other mini trips and experiences.  My ex was never really interested in travelling or doing anything new.  It was always me that planned our trips and they were very detailed in nature. I made sure there were great experiences for everyone.

Now my younger daughter is enjoying what is becoming our annual camping trip.  It is simple–a tiny cabin with bunk beds.  She and her friend sleep on top and I am on the bottom.  There is a table and 2 chairs, a mini fridge and microwave and a portable electric double burner that I can cook on. The girls are happy to help out cooking, doing the dishes, sweeping out the cabin and setting and clearing the picnic table where we eat. We do a mix of nothing and lots of things including visiting friends who are vacationing in the same camp park or close by, going to a lake for the day, the ocean for a day, mini golf, driving range, outdoor movie in a close by city, local events like sand sculpture competitions, movies in a friend’s trailer, movies outside our cabin, swimming in the watering hole, water slide, playground, shopping in a nearby town, and going for ice cream. My older daughter stays home now and gets paid to look after the pets and housesit plus she has 2 other jobs this summer.

Our expensive, flying vacations may be finished due to my financial situation but I like what we are doing equally as much.  Time together building memories with some new experiences is what our family vacation has always been about. It is a core value to me and I will ensure our adventures together continue.

Standard
adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, child support, children, Christianity, difficult personality, divorce, emails, family, God, legal obligations, lies

Bad Blood (band-aids don’t fix bullet holes) but who isn’t moving on ?

It is very interesting to me that my ex insists that I am not able to move on and that I am not happy. I am not sure if he really believes that or if it is wishful thinking on his part. It might be his way of trying to control my mind by telling me it isn’t true. It may just be him using this as an excuse to tell me what to do and what not to do and to criticize my behaviour.

Alternatively, it may be that he is the one who really can’t move on. He seems to really need for me to forget that he committed adultery. He wants to sweep the resulting consequences under the rug and pretend like our lives are clean and neat. He chooses to punish me because he is having difficulty accepting his legal obligations, especially financially, that are going to continue to exist to me and our children, despite him so desperately wanting to run from us and pretend we don’t exist. No evidence of past life wanted! We are still tied to him financially but that doesn’t mean we haven’t moved on with our individual lives. We are moving forward, just on different paths.

The resulting email chain started with me just trying to get him to pay me for expenses he owes me. It went from business to ugliness fast. I was hoping that he would finally give up fighting me, pay what he is required to pay not only from our mediation agreement and separation agreement (very close to being finalized) but what he knows is his responsibility to pay. If he really has moved on there would be no need for him to fight me and try to control all of my actions. He would not need to “win” and punish me. He would just accept and do.

My frustration came out when he was trying to thwart my efforts to get expenses to him for reimbursement. Then he started to criticize me with my move and not going to my daughter’s grad dinner. He sent me an email saying: “No, you couldn’t go because you completely screwed up the move. I have been gone for 2 1/2yrs. You knew the house was selling since November and it had been formally sold for 2 ½ months. You had tons of time and help and as usual you left it too late. If you wanted assistance you could have asked. In the end all (our oldest daughter’s name) will remember is her mom refused to go. Pretty sad.”

I had lots of assistance, as he is aware (not sure how he knows but he mentions it) but as per my previous post there were glitches, complications and the movers didn’t plan ahead for how much manpower was required to move me. It had nothing to do with my preparation or lack thereof. I couldn’t move any earlier. But as usual my ex wants to blame me for everything. I did ask him for help but he refused. He has always refused every single request I have made to him since we separated. He made a conscious decision to leave everything for me to do.

My response: “(oldest daughter’s name) will also remember that her dad is a cheating louse and all the things that he did and failed to do after she suspected him, before she caught him, and then after she did catch him. She will always know that her dad is a liar and cheat and continues to put his own needs over his kids’ needs. We all have our memories, (husband’s name). I choose to live in the present not the past or the future.

His response: “Oh I suspect the only one who carries that memory is you. All others have forgiven and moved on. You clearly have not by the things you continue to write and say. Someone who lives in the present wouldn’t be emailing her ex to bring up the past…..just saying…”

I can’t win. I wasn’t emailing to bring up the past. I was just making a point that we can’t control people’s memories. The night of my daughter’s grad ceremony, that I did attend, my daughter was reading the card that my younger daughter and I gave her. She commented that my younger daughter made a spelling mistake. She mentioned remembering winning a spelling bee when she was in Grade 3 and she said she remembered that I was there. I have been at everything my daughter participated in throughout her school years. I missed her grad dinner yet I still showed up as grubby as can be in my sweaty moving clothes so I could see her. Maybe that is what she will remember. Mom still made the biggest effort to be there when circumstances were preventing it from happening.

In the meantime, there is a parallel conversation going on with my ex that should have been all business. It relates to expenses I have paid on our behalf. Since my move I still haven’t found the box with my printer/scanner. I had receipts to send my ex and asked if he was in the office on Thursday so I could drop them off and so he could photocopy them and give me back the originals. Records for both of us. I have only had to go to his office once before to do this when my scanner wasn’t working.

His response: “I have a busy day. Drop them in my mail box at my place and I’ll copy them.”

My response: “No, because if they go missing I don’t have any extra receipt. I’ll take them to your office and the receptionist can copy them and leave them for you.”

His response: “NO. You don’t need to come to my office. I’ve told you before and I’ll repeat it. You are not to come here unless I ask. Otherwise my work is off limits to you. Drop in my mailbox or find another way.

My response: “Then you can pay me based on my word and then come and see the bills for confirmation if you don’t believe me. Have I ever lied to you? I told you why I won’t leave the originals. I know you. You will say you never received them and say you can’t pay me then and since I don’t have a copy I won’t be able to prove the amount to you. I told you my printer/scanner/copier is still packed away. Do you think I would want to come to your office? Do you think that is something that is even remotely comfortable for me to do? If you say I can only come when you ask then obviously there is no big deal if I come and you are just trying to control me for no reason. If you need the bill then I have every right to get you the bill so I know you receive it so you stop having excuses to not pay me. Last time you complained to the lawyers that I went to your house and I am not using (our daughter) as a go between. (Our daughter) should have the original alteration bill anyway. She picked up the dress. Did you not take her to do this?

His response: (My name) it’s not my responsibility to substantiate your expenses. (Our daughter) doesn’t have a copy of the receipt and I didn’t take her to get her dress. If you want to get paid you need to find a way to send me a copy of the receipt without coming into my office. I frankly could care less how you feel about coming here. You’re not welcome here so that is not an option for you. You have boundary issues. Always have. I respected your request for me not to enter the family home and you need to respect my wishes and not enter my home or place of employment unless I ask you too. You can go online and obtain a copy of your statement showing that payment. It’s not a difficult procedure and you can then email it to me.”

My response: “Who cares if I am welcome or not at your office. You are trying to make it difficult for me to get you the information. That is the easiest, fastest and most reliable way. If you don’t want to set a time to meet me outside so you can photocopy the receipt and give it back to me then I will leave it with your receptionist to do so. Stop making a big deal out of nothing. The only boundary issues that were an issue was you coming into the (street name) residence when no one else was in the house. At least there are witnesses at your office to support that all I am doing is dropping off expense documentation that you won’t pay otherwise. I can get someone else to go in instead of me if that will help solve the problem of me being there. People will just think the person is an insured leaving you expenses. Will that work?”

His response: “Do you have difficulty understanding my emails? You, your friends etc are not welcome here. Copy and paste your statement and email it. That is the quickest and easiest method. Stop wasting my time with these emails. You’ve been asked several times in the past not to come here so don’t. It’s a $65 invoice. I’m sure you can wait until you can copy and give to (younger daughter’s name) or deliver to my home mailbox. This isn’t a rush by any stretch of the imagination so stop.”

My response: Firstly, under no circumstance are we to give our girls items to be passed back and forth to each other. That puts them in an awkward position and is unfair and wrong. Stop putting our girls in the middle. I am not providing you with my entire bank statement. It was a credit card bill and I don’t receive those on line. The other expense was someone else picking them up on our behalf and paying with their credit card bill. They installed them and I paid them cash. There is also a fee for them to pick up and install that I forgot until right now so thank you for reminding me. I will make sure I get an invoice from them for that so you can pay your share of the $50 since you didn’t want to be responsible for ensuring any of the conditions to the home were met with any effort on your part. I get a paper copy of my credit card statements and I don’t have it yet for the grad dress and can’t copy it anyway. What are you not understanding? I am not delivering anything to you without a copy because you are untrustworthy. Stop trying to do what you can to make sure you don’t get the receipts. If you are that concerned that I or an independent body will show up at your office to get a copy of a receipt and leave it with you then pay the $65 and your share of the $83 for the smoke detectors as well as $25 for the pick up and install service fee and don’t waste more time for either of us. It may not be a big deal to you but you are not the one financing my expenses. Also, I have pet expenses to give you.”

His Response: “I gave you an option. If you don’t like it then use the options I’ve provided. If you or a representative for you comes to my office I will discuss it with your lawyer and consider a restraining order. This email exchange is very clear. You or anyone on your behalf is not to come here end of story. You can email, use regular mail. Those are your options.”

My response: “Go ahead and try to get a restraining order. I am getting you the receipts the best way that I can. I am not at your office to stalk you, harass you or to carry out any type of violence. I have even proposed someone else attending instead of me. You can’t restrain every single person who knows me from entering your office. You are acting unreasonably. You are bullying me, trying to control me and prevent me from getting you the information you need to pay me. I told you that I have no interest of going there as well and if you want to arrange a time to meet me outside we can if you need copies, otherwise, you can come to my place and view the receipts but this needs to be arranged sooner than later because I need the money.”

I attended his office. One of his partners was standing outside when I arrived. He hugged me and we had a lovely conversation. I said that I was just there to drop off something for (ex’s name) and was he in? He said that he didn’t know as he had just come back and was going to grab a bite to eat. I said it was nice to see him and went inside. I was greeted warmly by my ex’s receptionist. I asked if my ex was in and she wasn’t sure but went to check. My ex came out and whispered he wasn’t going to copy anything. I asked if he wanted me to do it or if he wanted me to ask the receptionist to do it. The receptionist returned to her desk and my ex took all the receipts and copied them.

It has been more than 1 week and I still haven’t received any reimbursement. The invoices total $197.95.

This is how it ends:

Me. “Your emails are really pissing me off. I think of you as little as possible. I don’t forgive you and never will. I want nothing to do with you ever. I can’t even stand to look at your face when I see you and you may not notice but I don’t look at you. There is nothing good about you. I have no memories of you I want to keep or care to even think about. It was all just a waste of time as far as I am concerned. Every time you spew some of your hatred like I screwed up the move or want to push me down by saying something about (my birth mom’s name) and me or whoever and me and saying I haven’t changed I wonder why you can’t just leave me the fuck alone and shut the fuck up. You’re the one who hasn’t moved on. You can’t stop bullying me. I don’t know what your motive is to be involved in my life in anyway but you are not invited. Keep whatever ugliness you have in your heart inside and don’t talk to me about it, text me about it or email me about it, ever. It has nothing to do with you but you want to get involved and offer some mean and negative opinion and I have no idea why except that your heart is just full of evil and needs to spin it constantly. It just reminds me how much I despise you and how lucky I am to not have to have you as part of my life. I could not care less if you live or if you die. Nothing about you matters to me. I feel this way about no one else in the world except you. I suspect that will some how excite you and make you think that you are some how special. Fill your boots but STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.”

My ex: ” Doesn’t sound very Christian like as you claim to be. Anyways the solution is quite easy if my emails piss you off. Stop contacting me. That includes not coming to my home and place of employment. Stop making excuses for coming to see me. Spin it whatever way you want, there’s no reason you had to deliver those receipts. So make it easier on the both of us and discontinue contacting me. ”

Me: “You are fucking hilarious. I am spinning it? You think I want to come and see you? Do you think I was hoping you were in the office? It made zero difference to me if you were there or if you weren’t otherwise I would have called first, I would have worn makeup and I would have dressed nicer than my 10 year old work clothes. Not interested in seeing you, could care less if you see me or what you think of me. Hence my need to tell you to shut the fuck up about anything you feel the need to say to me. I don’t care. Don’t waste your energy thinking about me at all.

It is all about the money and what you owe me and you know dropping off the receipts is the only way right now I could ensure you received a copy of what you owed. So narcissistic of you. Get a grip buddy. You will be contacted by me only when necessary and if it has to be in person, it will be in person. Today, sadly for you, it is only my email you get. Here it is:

Please issue me an e-transfer as per the receipts I gave you in person on Friday. The full amount for (our daughter’s name) grad dress alterations–$65. 50% of the dumping fee to get the house ready to sell–$126.50 (your share is $63.25); 50% of the cat food, cat litter and dog food expenses ($40.87 + $13.43 + $85.10). Your share of the pets is $69.70. The total amount of the e-transfer should be $197.95.

My ex: “Another email from the person who claims they want nothing to do with me yet continues to contact me to tell me how happy she is and has moved on?? Really?? Your constant rants about me would suggest otherwise. You have no reason to come to my office. Pay to copy the items you are wishing reimbursement and either drop off copies at my home address in the mail box, send it by regular mail or email. So that it’s clear, and apparently it’s not since I asked you 5 times last week to not come to my office. DO NOT COME TO MY OFFICE AGAIN unless I choose to extend an invite to you. You are not welcome here and if you chose to do this again, I will escort you right back out the door.”

Me: “More threats from you–yawn. The best way to solve this issue is to pay me based on what I tell you and you can review the receipts at a later date in time convenient to both of us. Try to be mature and take grown up actions. If I’m not welcome at your office, why would you extend an invitation to me? Do you think I’ll be watching the mail for an invite? Have I ever gone to anything you’ve invited me to attend with you in the last 2 plus years?

If it makes you happy to think I am not happy and I haven’t moved on think away. If you want to think you have the biggest cock out there, are the best lover, that I can’t have an orgasm or enjoy sex with anyone else, that you make the most money, are the kindness, nicest, gentlest man, are wiser, more intelligent than any other I could possibly be with, are more educated, funnier, wittier than anyone else in my life right now, are better looking, more athletic, more generous, better to my children than anyone else could possibly be, think, think, think, away. You left in the first place because your thinking was all wrong so why would you change it now? Think what you want but keep your thoughts to yourself. I don’t want you in my life in anyway so I don’t need or want to hear what you think about me, my life or anything else for that matter.”

Me Ex: “Like I’ve repeated in the past, your actions, words etc speak volumes to the bitterness and anger that you have pent up inside. Your repeated actions of entering my home and place of employment despite requests not to do so reveals your true character. You have no boundaries. You don’t respect anyone or their wishes. You’ve been asked by 3 lawyers and who knows how many counselors and yet you continue to defy their advice, requests admonishing to be mature and not have contact.

Believe me I would love for you to move on. Have wanted that for a very long time. Have expressed this many a time to you. You simply can’t let it go. Look at the silliness of the things you write below? Listen to the way and how you speak. You’re still calling me names every chance you get. Unprovoked you have to stand at the top of a mountain and yell out the things you do and then say how happy you are? Doesn’t really make a lot of sense. If your happy that’s great, I’m happy for you. You don’t need to tell me that. If you’re truly happy, everyone will see that. If you have to tell people you’re happy then clearly you’re not.

You seem to think that you can say how happy you are, yet at the same time call me names, put me down, write things about me that are false. Is that the works of a happy person? You come across as such a hypocrite. Claiming to love God and have God in your life and yet you speak the way you do? I think God would be ashamed of you, because you are not exhibiting any signs of a person who has a relationship with God. Do you follow any of the teachings of the God you claim to follow?”

My final remarks: I was done sending any more emails after that. There is no point trying to argue with him against his lies and half truths and it is pointless to try to defend my relationship with God. It is just another way of him trying to make me feel bad. He is always trying to put me on the defensive and I am done.

Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and I certainly understand why. It tears everyone apart. When God brings two people together and a vow is made to him by both parties and to each other to be faithful, to love, honour, etc. how must God feel when one of those people who made that vow suddenly throws everything he was given back in God’s face and acts like it wasn’t good enough, that God doesn’t know what is best. God may feel even worse than I felt because his love is way deeper than how we are capable of loving. The ingratitude he must feel for everything he gave us and did for us. When we are in sin and try to do things our way this is what happens. When we act ungodly chaos ensues and it is devastating on every level. No one should be surprised at the results. Satan is the accuser and it should be no surprise my ex is accusing me of everything he can throw at me.

In response to the rest of his email I do have anger and bitterness around the way my ex continues to treat me, not because of the affair. The frustration that leads me to act out verbally surrounds his continued need to try and control me, making me jump through hoops, bullying me and not following through with his legal responsibilities. I don’t keep it pent up inside as he claims. I speak it, release it and take action to deal with his attempts to treat me unfairly especially in the area of finances. He is clinging very hard to control the financial aspect of my life as that is all that is left between us. Our older daughter is the other area that he tries to use to manipulate me.

It is so interesting that he calls my actions “silliness” and says that I can’t let go. It costs us both time, energy and money every time he does this and lawyers get involved. My solution now is that I won’t pay for anything for my older daughter that my ex is to reimburse because I don’t need the aggravation and I can’t afford it. I will have to go back to my lawyer to get her to collect what is owed through Dave’s lawyer and to go back to the mediator/arbitrator and get her to rewrite her wording regarding my ex’s requirement to pay 50% of the pet expenses. I will ask for him to be required to pay me within 5 days or he will have to incur interest payment to me. A penalty may help with compliance.

I don’t respect my ex at all for his continued behaviour. There is no one else that I am disrespecting. He has never been privy to any conversations between me and my counselors or my lawyer and none of them have told me to not contact him. You reader and my friends have advised me of this but one would expect us to be able to work together for the common good of our children and being able to deal with matters without legal involvement. He never went to counseling to help him to be able to do this and he would not participate with me and the girls to learn how to do this. He hasn’t been able to do it on his own. I really wonder if these are facts in his mind. There is a disconnect of how he processes and understands information and he lacks insight. I have never written anything to him or anyone else about him that is false. I wonder what people say to him that makes him think this. I don’t think we talk to the same people anymore so he is probably going back to when the affair was first discovered. He did try to make a big deal to his lawyer about me going to his house to see my daughter on 2 occasions but my lawyer said nothing about it. Again, he was trying to make an issue out of nothing to distract from real issues he wanted to avoid. I haven’t been back to his house because it isn’t worth it but it is my older daughter who loses because of his accusations and it is so odd that he gave me going to his house as an option to get him receipts when even in these email rants he tells me not to go to his house.

My ex is untrustworthy on every level and proves it over and over again so I cannot trust what he says even in his tirades. If he had really moved on he would accept it and take responsibility for what he owes. He would accommodate me to get him receipts and pay in a timely fashion instead of hanging on for dear life and fighting it.

If he didn’t provoke me there would be no need for a chain of nasty emails. Although my ex feels like I am yelling from a mountaintop he isn’t hearing me. I tried to turn up the volume in my last emails but still nothing. For the most part I keep my cool and handle or get my lawyer to handle but I would think the time is here when enough is enough. If he really wants me to move on then he needs to let me move on by dealing with our current situation in a business-like manner. He needs to move on himself in order to be able to achieve this state.

Standard