adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, in-laws, Janice Andrews, other woman, rejection

Saying “NO!” to a parent has bigger meaning

My younger daughter said to me on Wednesday night, “I was with dad from 5:15 p.m. until 8:30 p.m.”  She said that was the longest amount of time she had been with him and that it was awkward.  He picked her up at our home and then they picked up my other daughter at her work and went to the mall to look into my older daughter’s phone issues and to have dinner.  Three hours with their dad that involved about 1 hour of driving time to various places seemed so out of the ordinary to her that it was note worthy for her to mention it.

I asked her if she looked for the shoes and pants that she wanted for back to school when they were at the mall.  She said that she would not shop with her dad.  He has tried to buy her things in the past.  Once when they were in Vancouver she said he kept offering to buy this and that but she said, “No” to everything. When they were in Ontario this summer she had forgot her sunglasses and he offered to buy her a $40 pair because he felt she needed them and he told her that they looked good on her.  She wanted them as well but she refuses to let her dad think he can buy her things and some how that will make up for everything he took from her.  She would also never tell him what she really needs.

Janice, it was pointed out to me, is quite happy on the other hand for Dave to buy her everything. The only thing my daughter said that she has ever seen her buy in 5 plus years is an Imax movie ticket because she has a pass.  It is like my daughter feels as dirty as his whore if he spends money on her.  She does not want to be that person. She is the Taurus of the family and is very bull-headed and strong in her convictions. She is insightful and I am very proud of her for making a stand and putting up a boundary that she considers important to how she feels about herself and her relationship with her father.  Although when I reflect, I think that her saying “No” to him is her way of rejecting him. She is rejecting him the way he has done to her and continues to do to her on various levels.

On Saturday, she and I were about to go for a hike with our dog.  My older daughter came up and said, “Dad is picking us up at noon for lunch.”  My younger daughter was annoyed, “Why didn’t he text me to tell me?”  My older daughter remarked that he texted her and probably assumed that she would just tell her.  She looked at me and asked if she should still go on the hike or just stay at home and get ready.  I told her it wasn’t even 10:00 a.m. so we had time to go for a short hike. I got her back by 11:00 a.m. only for her to be told by her sister that their dad didn’t know she would be going for lunch too and he didn’t think he would be able to get her back in time to work at 4:00 p.m.  Now my younger daughter was even more annoyed.  She said to me, “Good thing I didn’t decide to not go on the hike.”  I felt so badly for her that I said that I would take her for lunch.  We left before her dad arrived.

That night she told me that she arranged to work during the school year on Wednesday and Saturday nights. Wednesday is the only night she doesn’t dance during the week and is the night that she usually has dinner with her dad. She told me, “I probably won’t be seeing dad at all next year.”  I suggested that maybe her dad would pick her up earlier after school on a night that she starts dance a little later so she can have a bite to eat with him and I reminded her that he would probably still try to pick her up every other Friday for dinner and maybe a lunch every other Saturday or Sunday.

The other thing she told me that seemed to bother her was that when she was in Ontario with Dave and his parents over the summer her nanny, Dave’s mom, said to her, “Your mom will always be my daughter-in-law but your dad is my son”, and then she hugged him.  I even cringed when she told me that happened because his mom told me as well that I would always be their daughter-in-law. She just skipped the part about putting her cheating son on a pedestal.  Regardless, they were just empty words.  There is zero relationship.  Twenty three years of fakeness because if there was any love or care for me and my children I would hear from them. To my daughter, she just heard her grandmother say that I am less than when I am the most important person in her life. Does she hear her grandmother say that she would choose her son over her, too?  What does that teach my child about love; who is worthy of her love and why (full blood relation, number of years known) when my daughter has experienced love and what must feel like hate and knows the truth about which parent has always been there for her and which parent rejected her.

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abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, child support, deceitfulness, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, narcissism

Early Onset Alzheimer’s

My oldest daughter messaged me today stating that she thought her dad had early onset Alzheimer’s disease.

Her dad told her that he had given her tax information to his accountant to prepare her 2015 tax return. He told her that she was getting a $750 refund. When she followed up with him asking if the refund had been received, he said that he never did anything with her tax information.

I actually asked David in the summer for information from my daughter’s tax return as she needed to know what amount was input on line 150 of her return for her student loan application. David responded saying he input $0 on that line. This would be a false claim because my daughter did work and this is an income reporting line. He said that he wasn’t able to find her T1 to report any income. He said he searched through all his mail and as it was likely less than $700 he reported the line as $0.

I also had requested a copy of her tax return so she had a copy for her records and as I suspected he claimed her tuition amount. I had asked for all her school expense information as he used her entire RESP to cover her first year of university expenses. I told him that was not just his to claim as I had contributed equally to that investment as well as the fact that I have issues not only with him accessing the RESP without me but for spending it irresponsibly. He advised me that he didn’t claim her tuition but that the accountant filed our daughter’s return and had her claim it.

I asked for a copy of her return so we could verify the information she was reporting on her student loan application was accurate and not just going by his word. He never sent it.

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adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, disappointment, divorce, ex spouse, family, Father/daughter relationship, in-laws, infidelity, parenting after separation

Putting on a Show

I drove my niece, my older daughter and my dancer daughter all to Fort Langley Saturday morning.  My dancer had to be at the theatre for a lighting and technical blocking rehearsal at 12:45 p.m.  She stayed at the studio until her 7:00 p.m. performance.

My niece, other daughter and I explored Fort Langley.  I took them to the stores that I thought were interesting and we ate our way around the little town.  Fort Langley is the birthplace of British Columbia and is filled with history. Fort Langley is the set for several movies, especially Hallmark Christmas movies. The yellow Community Hall is one of the landmarks to recognize this city location on screen. We had a really fun and enjoyable day and I am a little sad that this is my last weekend to be here for dance.

We met my brother-in-law for dinner at the Olive Garden at 4:30 p.m.  I gave a heads up that Dave would be at the show as they haven’t seen him since our separation.  My niece adamantly declared that he was no longer family.  My brother-in-law disagreed and they had a bit of an argument over it.  He said that his relationship and loyalty was with me as we had a long and close history. He stated that he was not close to David but pointed out that he never had any issues with him and that they had contact with each other on Facebook after our separation. (He had told me that previously and wanted to know at the time if that was hurtful to me that he reached out to him. Several of my family and friends had done the same and it was not hurtful but I learned my ex didn’t respond to the others)  My brother-in-law told my niece that he got to choose who he considered to be family.

My niece then felt a little badly that Uncle David was going to be at the show alone and wondered if he should sit with us, of course, she said, with he and I being at opposite ends from each other.  My daughter was at the table with us and we were very respectful in our discussions of the social awkwardness and hurt felt by everyone because of this tear in the family.  I know from my discussions with my sister the night before that she would not be able to mask her feelings as easily and I was glad she wasn’t able to attend.   She feels very duped by my ex.  She called him a fraud to me on Friday night citing his praying at all our family meals and then contrasting that to her remembering his come-ons towards her at our last Christmas together (he was involved with Janice at that time already). She said it was wrong on every level. She recalled that he acted all the time like he was this great family guy when it was a lie.  She said that she thought it was just the scotch he was drinking at Christmas but that the alcohol just revealed his true nature. Now that we all know, he didn’t have to pretend anymore. She said that she can see now he doesn’t even care about his children and feels the entire 23 years she knew him was just a facade.

When we got to the theatre we stepped into the long line up waiting for the doors to open.  Dave was not there and I feared for my daughter that he wasn’t going to end up showing.  I popped my head in to the studio so my daughter knew that I was there in the audience for her.  My older daughter then said that her dad texted her and he was waiting in the parking lot.  He wanted to know who from my family was there.  He asked our daughter to save him a seat and to text him to let him know when he could go in.  My niece commented that he is afraid to show himself because he knows he did something wrong.

We had extra seats in our row but after my daughter put down her coat she went to a different row to find a seat for her dad.  When he came in, my brother-in-law and my niece both waved to him to attract his attention.  He waved back and then came up to shake my brother-in-law’s hand and to hug my niece.  I was very proud of my family for the kindness they showed to my children’s father. Dave and I, on the other hand, did not acknowledge each other.

It was a proud and emotional evening.  A girl sang our national anthem beautifully and powerfully while we all stood and sang along and watched our dancers’ photos appear on the large screen on stage with their name over the maple leaf. I wondered how my ex felt listening to the MC who was a dance dad and had traveled with his daughter twice for Team Canada.  He shared about the bond that grew because of those trips together.  He shared about his understanding of the stress on the parents involved–the expense, the fundraising required and work that goes into getting kids to rehearsals, costuming, photograph sittings, press interviews, etc.  My ex was not a part of any of that.

It was a short show–8 dances in the first half and 8 in the second half with a 30 minute intermission to buy 50/50 tickets, wine raffle tickets (40 bottles of wine to win), and silent auction items with the money raised all to support the team. My daughter’s group danced first so her dad left at intermission.  He didn’t get to see her acknowledged at the end in her Team Canada jacket and he didn’t receive the team photo they handed out with all of the notes from the family wishing their dancer good luck on the back–I signed “love mom, dad and (older daughter’s name)” on my note to our daughter.

When we were at the ferry terminal heading back to Victoria we ran into friends.  The mom asked our daughter if her dad came to see her dance.  She said that he did but he left half way through.  Our friend asked “why?” My daughter said it was because she danced first. She said, “He always does that.”    I realized at that moment that she isn’t going to remember that her dad was there to see her dance.  She is going to remember that he left.

 

 

 

 

 

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adultery, cheating, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, other woman, separation

Weekend Report

My daughter ended up spending Friday night, after her dance classes, with her dad. I texted her at 6:45 p.m. to see if she needed me to pick her up as she had reported being too ill to go to his place.  I knew she was able to be in her dance class when she didn’t respond.

In the meantime, I was invited on a dinner date. I figured that if my daughter managed to participate in her dance classes from 3:30 – 7:45 p.m. that she was going to go to her dad’s place after all. I suspected that it was anxiety about spending the night at her dad’s.  If I had picked her up after school she would have sacrificed going to dance just to avoid her dad’s place. When I put the onus back on her to let her dad know she was cancelling because she was sick and when I wasn’t able to pick her up earlier she chose to just go to dance. She could have taken the school bus that goes to our home instead of the dance studio if she was really ill.

So regarding my dinner date, there is always the history with my ex in the back of mind. What if she texted her dad saying she was sick and that I was going to pick her up earlier so she could go home instead?  What if she told him she was sick and couldn’t go to his house but still needed a ride home and he told her he wouldn’t drive to the dance studio just to pick her up if she wouldn’t go back to his place?  What if he received a better invitation?  I wanted to see my friend, as it had been a long time since we spent any time together, so I told him my predicament and that the best I could do was fast food in case I needed to leave quickly.

My daughter texted me at 7:45 p.m. to say that she was going to go with her dad. Her symptoms were much improved because the Bove wasn’t present. She texted that she would rather be home but that it was only one night. Why only one night, I wondered? If her dad was making a change to make his child a priority wouldn’t he want to spend the whole weekend with her?  Or did she set up her own plans to avoid that?

Her dad dropped her off at noon the next day back to my place.  She revealed that he was on his way up to Parksville (1 1/2 hours away) for a party and was staying at the Beach Club Resort overnight. Of course he was. I knew it was impossible for him to actually manage to spend an entire weekend with his daughter. (I reported he did spend 2 Saturday nights ago with her but forgot he actually dropped her at a birthday party at 4 and didn’t see her again until noon the next day). This was “his” weekend and yet to him that means playing the dad role only if time permits in between what he really wants to do instead.

Our daughter knows that.  She has lived this for more than 2 1/2 years now.  It will never change. She will never be a priority in his life, ever.  If he keeps his next commitment, he will see her again in 4 nights, Thursday, for 2 hours.  So over a 96 hour period he will see her for 2 hours max. Then, giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will see her again in 7 days on the next Thursday for dinner, that will be a 168-hour period in which he sees her for 2 hours. The math doesn’t lie. That is a failing percentage. He is failing his daughter. He is failing as a father. Quantity time matters.  If he throws the Bove into the equation that subtracts from time with his daughter. The Bove is equivalent to a big zero and my daughter is left with nothing.

He did come back Sunday night and pick up our daughter to take her to his place for dinner. Afterwards, he took her to the beach to see the lunar eclipse. Sadly, for my daughter, the Bove crashed her time with her dad and once again my ex managed to turn time with his daughter into a big negative.

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