adultery, cheating, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, other woman, separation

Weekend Report

My daughter ended up spending Friday night, after her dance classes, with her dad. I texted her at 6:45 p.m. to see if she needed me to pick her up as she had reported being too ill to go to his place.  I knew she was able to be in her dance class when she didn’t respond.

In the meantime, I was invited on a dinner date. I figured that if my daughter managed to participate in her dance classes from 3:30 – 7:45 p.m. that she was going to go to her dad’s place after all. I suspected that it was anxiety about spending the night at her dad’s.  If I had picked her up after school she would have sacrificed going to dance just to avoid her dad’s place. When I put the onus back on her to let her dad know she was cancelling because she was sick and when I wasn’t able to pick her up earlier she chose to just go to dance. She could have taken the school bus that goes to our home instead of the dance studio if she was really ill.

So regarding my dinner date, there is always the history with my ex in the back of mind. What if she texted her dad saying she was sick and that I was going to pick her up earlier so she could go home instead?  What if she told him she was sick and couldn’t go to his house but still needed a ride home and he told her he wouldn’t drive to the dance studio just to pick her up if she wouldn’t go back to his place?  What if he received a better invitation?  I wanted to see my friend, as it had been a long time since we spent any time together, so I told him my predicament and that the best I could do was fast food in case I needed to leave quickly.

My daughter texted me at 7:45 p.m. to say that she was going to go with her dad. Her symptoms were much improved because the Bove wasn’t present. She texted that she would rather be home but that it was only one night. Why only one night, I wondered? If her dad was making a change to make his child a priority wouldn’t he want to spend the whole weekend with her?  Or did she set up her own plans to avoid that?

Her dad dropped her off at noon the next day back to my place.  She revealed that he was on his way up to Parksville (1 1/2 hours away) for a party and was staying at the Beach Club Resort overnight. Of course he was. I knew it was impossible for him to actually manage to spend an entire weekend with his daughter. (I reported he did spend 2 Saturday nights ago with her but forgot he actually dropped her at a birthday party at 4 and didn’t see her again until noon the next day). This was “his” weekend and yet to him that means playing the dad role only if time permits in between what he really wants to do instead.

Our daughter knows that.  She has lived this for more than 2 1/2 years now.  It will never change. She will never be a priority in his life, ever.  If he keeps his next commitment, he will see her again in 4 nights, Thursday, for 2 hours.  So over a 96 hour period he will see her for 2 hours max. Then, giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will see her again in 7 days on the next Thursday for dinner, that will be a 168-hour period in which he sees her for 2 hours. The math doesn’t lie. That is a failing percentage. He is failing his daughter. He is failing as a father. Quantity time matters.  If he throws the Bove into the equation that subtracts from time with his daughter. The Bove is equivalent to a big zero and my daughter is left with nothing.

He did come back Sunday night and pick up our daughter to take her to his place for dinner. Afterwards, he took her to the beach to see the lunar eclipse. Sadly, for my daughter, the Bove crashed her time with her dad and once again my ex managed to turn time with his daughter into a big negative.

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affairs, cheating, children, control, debt, divorce, family

Dick of a Dad

Confirmation that my husband made a conscious choice to not just leave me but to leave his kids is in the way that he continuously handles his responsibilities for them. He doesn’t.

Surprisingly, Valentine’s Day weekend was the first weekend in almost 2 years that there wasn’t an issue with him picking up my youngest daughter from dance on Friday night and having her for the weekend. He at least picked her up. Usually I get a text saying that he can’t get her because he has hockey (at this time of year), a golf game, business function, he’s away for the weekend, etc. If I ever say I have plans so I can’t get her for him his standard response is “figure it out” because he won’t be there.

She stayed over night at his place on Friday but when I came home from my Valentine’s Day dinner all of the lights in my house were on. I expected her to be in her bed but she was across the street at her friend’s house where she stayed over night. He had taken her to Wendy’s for dinner (saw the drink cup on my coffee table) and she told me Sunday morning he dropped her off at 6:30 p.m. because he had Valentine Day plans. He picked her up at noon on Sunday for lunch, took her to dance practice for 1:30 p.m. and dropped her back home when she was finished, around 2:30 p.m.

When it comes to paying his financial responsibilities for the kids that still hasn’t changed. He doesn’t. He is responsible for paying 70% of the special expenses. This includes my daughter’s dance. He has not paid one dime in 2 years for these expenses or any expenses for the kids (although now that my oldest is living with him he contributes to her living expenses but she still contacts me because she won’t go to her dad to tell him the items she really needs). I pay support for her which is deducted from the amount he is supposed to be paying for our youngest daughter.

In mediation he agreed to pay 50% of my daughter’s dance expenses until our house is sold, then he will pay 70%. That hasn’t happened either and since our mediation 4 months ago he owes me $2005. This sum also includes money that he went into our joint account, where I am the only one who puts money in, and paid his personal bills. In mediation he agreed to come to the bank with me so we could close our joint account. He hasn’t done this either. I am going to the bank today to show them he is stealing from me and to see if they will close it without his signed authorization. If we want to still have house insurance I will have to move that joint expense to my personal account. The other thing he agreed to do in mediation that he hasn’t is to maintain a life insurance policy. If he were to die, I would be left with huge debt, no spousal support, no child support and the kids would have no money for extra-curricular activities, medical expenses, orthodontist expenses, education, weddings, etc.

I can’t understand how this man cares so little for his family, to the point he seems to hate his family, that he leaves us with a huge exposure to be financially devastated if he were to die. It is $61/month for him to have $500,000 worth of coverage. Before we separated, he maintained $750,000 of life insurance coverage.

My daughter has her first performance of the year this Saturday. Dress rehearsal is Friday so costumes have to be picked up and paid for by Thursday at the latest. Her dad knows this. He was copied on the invoice from the dance studio. I followed up with him by email, text and voice mail. He failed to give my daughter a cheque for 50% tonight when he was with her. I do not let my kids know that daddy doesn’t pay support for them or pay any of his other financial obligations to them but my daughter knows that mommy can’t pay 100% of the costume fees this time. She texted her dad (she refuses to call him) and his response was “Mommy’s paying.”

So more money wasted on contacting my lawyer, to contact his lawyer, to deal with this. In the meantime, my younger daughter is caught in the middle again. I don’t know if my ex is oblivious to how this effects her relationship with him but he truly doesn’t care. He thinks he is punishing me but the stress this puts on my daughter is cruel and the strain it adds to their relationship is not easily repaired. Come her next weekend with her dad I will be the one hearing the battle cry on why she shouldn’t have to go to his place for the weekend and I will be the one trying to encourage her to have a relationship with a man who would probably be happier to do anything else but spending time with his kids. (My oldest daughter is never there on the weekends. She told me she stays at her dad’s place because he is never there and she can do whatever she likes).

Did he ever loves his kids or was that an act, too?

Dance is our youngest daughter’s passion. It is what she wants to do as a career. It is her only extra-curricular activity and it is a commitment we made together prior to our separation to support her in this. This year she has had to cut back on the dance that she normally would have been enrolled in due to our financial situation.

Dad has a ticket for the show. I suspect he is bringing his girlfriend because he asked both my girls to find out which shows I am going to be at. I am always at every show. That won’t change. I am the one who will be putting in the required parent volunteering hours for the show as well. He will just look the supportive role by being there. What he presents on the outside is a sham.

I wonder how he would feel if our daughter was the only one not in costume. Narcissists don’t like public shaming. I almost wish that would happen and if I can’t pay for the costumes would they really do? Would they re-arrange the dance without my daughter? The problem is that it would be my daughter who would be the one to suffer. I am doing my best to keep that from happening but the dick has a hard heart and keeps rising to prove himself as just that–a dick, who does what he thinks he needs to do to ensure that no one but him has a happy ending.

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cheating, Collaborative Family Law, control, divorce, family, lawyer, legal advice, legal proceedings, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting, relationships, separation

Letter to husband regarding separation and initial action

On March 1, 2013, the day my husband knew I was aware he was having an affair, at 11:50 p.m., I sent the following e-mail:

(Husband’s name),

This is a very difficult time for (daughters’ names) and me. We would all prefer if you could find alternative accommodations and to please not come back home at this time. I know you will need some personal items. Both girls have asked that you not come to the house when they are present. I require being home but I do not want to see you or talk to you. Please give us an hour notice by text before you arrive so the girls can leave to a place where they will feel more comfortable. Please make sure you receive a responding text from me before you come by. You can enter through the back door which I will leave unlocked and all of the items from your closet, drawers and bathroom will be there packed up so you can easily move them. You can take your hockey equipment out of the garage. Please let me know if there is anything else you would like me to leave for you.

(15-year old daughter’s name) has made it clear to you by text that she does not want to talk to you at this time. Although you have a need to share your side of the story with her, this is not what the girls need at this time. Both (daughters’ names) have told me separately that they do not want to see you or talk to you at this time. Please respect their needs.

I would like to use Friday, March 1, 2013 as our first day of separation. This is the day that your adultery was made clear to me and this is the day that you chose to leave us.

I have retained the services of a Family Law Group lawyer. I am leaving you a folder that outlines the 4 Family Law Options. These include:

1. Court Proceedings
2. Mediation
3. Traditional Negotiation
4. The Collaborative Family Law Option

Choosing number 4 will keep us out of the court which could cost us a total of up to $120,000. We are the ones that retain control of the process and who determine what we think is fair in terms of issues to be settled which will eventually lead to the signing of a binding, enforceable Separation Agreement. The process involves the use of four-way meetings which can include us, our lawyers, divorce coaches, financial advisors, psychologists, counselors, support for all of us and a number of other professionals who can be part of the process based on our family needs. The objective is to enable the family to restructure in a positive way without the enormous emotional and financial costs of traditional litigation.

The folder also has a pamphlet about the ‘Parenting After Separation’ program. This is a requirement for us both to attend. These sessions run for 3 hours on Wednesday morning or Wednesday evening at the library. We must do this separately. You can get more information about the program by calling (250) 387-6121.

You can obtain a list of the lawyers involved in this process by calling (250) 704-2600. My lawyer is Robert Klassen and his contact information is attached to the folder. There is other helpful information included in the folder.

Important:

Both girls have indicated that they want to continue with our trip to Florida to see their grandparents, family and friends. You have indicated that you will not be coming. You must contact Visa travel cancellation and ensure you have a valid reason that will cover the cancellation of your flight. You will then be charged a $250 fee by the airline but you will have a flight credit. You have to do this ASAP as your ticket is attached to (oldest daughter’s name). As soon as you cancel with Visa you must call the Flight Centre at (250) 360-0246 to cancel the flight so they can issue (daughter) a new ticket. She won’t be able to fly if this isn’t done. We tried to have your airline ticket changed to (daughter’s friend’s name) but they would not grant a name change, even for a fee. Perhaps you can talk to whoever you need to for this to happen. (Daughter) doesn’t feel comfortable flying alone with 2 plane changes and she has also made it clear that she will not fly with you. We tried to get them to cancel your flight and then just reissue the ticket in (daughter’s friend’s name) but this will cost an additional $2500 as the flight is full and it will go back into the Economy pool. You have all the paperwork in your e-mail as per your request for me to send that to you. It might really be good for your relationship rebuilding with (daughter) if you can get strings pulled for (daughter’s friend) to take your place.

If you have any questions about any of the content of this e-mail, please respond by e-mail only.

Thank you,

(my name)

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cheating, father/daughter, infidelity, letter, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships

A daughter’s letter to her cheating father

After discovering explicit sexual texts on her dad’s Blackberry between her dad and another woman, my 15-year old daughter sent her out-of-town father the following email on March 1, 2013:

“I realize that you and mom haven’t gotten along for a while now and I came to terms with that a long time ago. I am okay with that. I have been waiting a while now to hear the news of a separation or divorce. I’m strong. I could have handled that and accepted that. If you two were fine with that, I would have been too. However screwing around with some slut from work is unforgivable as far as I am concerned. I don’t know what you were thinking but I’m not sure if you realized entirely what you were doing. You permanently damaged not only your marriage, but your family as well. I never in a million years thought you were that selfish.

On top of your actions, you don’t even care. You left this morning because hockey means more to you than your family does. You have left a fifteen year old girl to clean up your mess. I am trying to be strong for mom and (sister’s name) but it is hard. Now imagine how mom is feeling. You can say that her disorder is not real, but trust me, it is. Mom is depressed. What if mom had have found this out on her own? She could have done something much worse than e-mail your parents–to you or even herself.

Since mom crying doesn’t seem to have any effect on you, do you realize what this means for (sister’s name) and I? We will obviously be living with mom, I don’t want (sister’s name) anywhere near your “little turtle.” She does not need to be influenced by a whore. Mom has no job, how will she support us? I guess I will be returning to (public high school name) next year, seeing as mom will barely be able to afford housing, food and clothing for (sister’s name) and I, let alone an expensive school.

Night after night, I would wait for you to come home. I wouldn’t eat because I was waiting for my daddy to come eat with me. Then I would get a phone call, or a text, or sometimes nothing. Little did I know you were treating her to expensive dinners. Remember when you told me family was your number one priority? You said we come first which is why you were never late for dinner, and was always home by lunch on weekends. What happened to my dad?

While mom was crying the other night saying that she loves you and that she wants to fix things (sister’s name) and I were listening. You did not try to work things out. (Sister’s name) is eleven. She does not need the stress of an unfaithful father. She doesn’t deserve it, She deserves a family. Not a broken mom and a father with a skank for a girlfriend.

Yes, I do mean to be rude. I owe her no respect. If you expect me to meet this woman–the woman that ruined our family (did she ruin our family or were there more?) be nice to her and actually like her, then you are very wrong. As far as I am concerned, she is just a skank that fucked my dad while he was still married to my mom. Leaving me to pick up the pieces of a broken mom and devastated sister.

Are you honestly this stupid that you think this girl actually loves you? Think about it. Look how much younger she is. You are a man with money, and a man who can probably get her promoted job-wise. Right now, she is enjoying the $100 meals, and $50 Pandora charms. Wait until you are broke. She will leave you in a heartbeat. I look forward to this. You will realize what you have lost–not just your wife, but your kids as well. I saw the look on mom’s face when she saw your text messages. I saw her shaking and trying to hold in her tears. Do you think I will ever forgive you for making my mom feel that way?

The fact that you have the nerve to call (boyfriend’s name) a douche and say that he treats me like shit makes me livid after finding out about something like this. At least when I tell (boyfriend’s name) I love him, he says I love you back. He has never once held my mental state against me or tried to make me feel like less of a person because I have horrible mood swings or the fact that I cut myself. He helps me work through it and inspires me to stop harming myself–which I have. I feel that this ordeal will put me into another downward spiral. However, I know (boyfriend’s name) will be here for me to help me work through it. No matter how mad he is at me, not matter what I have done if I am crying, he immediately calms himself down and does everything in his power to make me feel better. He hugs me, tells me I am beautiful and tells me he loves me. You do not do this for mom. You insult her physical and mental state on a regular basis. I never want to hear you even utter a bad word about (boyfriend’s name) again, ever. He is a thousand times more of a man than you are.

I do not want to meet with you. I have no interest in hearing your petty arguments; trying to turn this around as if it was mom’s fault. This is not her fault. This is a result of your selfish mindset. I am honestly ashamed to be your daughter; ashamed that I see aspects of you in myself. I will never do anything like this in my lifetime. You are probably very angry with me for this e-mail, and that is fine. I understand. But, you are in the wrong here.

I hope you miss us. That is what you deserve.

I will tell (teacher’s name) that you are not available to mentor for my business group anymore. I do not want you involved in my life right now.

For your sake, I hope this woman isn’t what we all think she is. At least treat her better than you treated mom. She did so much for you and you didn’t even see it. Now that we are all gone you will begin to see how good you had it. You had a family that loved you and now you have a slut that is using you for your power and money. I really do hope she is different.

Goodbye.

(daughter’s name)”

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