13, Collaborative Family Law, divorce, flu, God, litigation, New Year's Eve, resolutions, Schindler's List, separation

Happy New Year?

I think I shed more tears on New Year’s Eve than I did throughout the entire 2013.  I guess I was finally ready to grieve a year that will go down in my history as the year my marriage ended.

Number 13 was never unlucky to me previously.  Now it not only marks a horrible year but it was the day my husband quoted in a text I saw from him to the other woman that said he could feel the sexual tension in documents she sent him even though they were sent prior to December 13.  I will remember the 13th as the date he said their relationship, on some level, started.  That was the day they attended a client party hosted by their company.

It has been more than a year they have been seeing each other.  That is how I can mark that time flies.  It is still so fresh for me that I wouldn’t believe any time passed at all if not for the celebration of a new year.  My divorce still seems no closer.  I switched lawyers to allow me to pursue the litigation route.  The Collaborative Process did not work.  There is no penalty for failure to complete required documents, failure to produce proof of income and proof of expenses, or failure to comply with agreements made in the four-ways meetings involving me and my husband and both our lawyers.  There are no time guidelines so one party can just drag, delay and avoid at the expense of the other.   7 months and $7500 was a huge waste of time and money resources, and that was only my bill, just to find myself in the same position I was in when the process started–no financial assistance and no separation agreement.

I know that my petition for divorce and my request for spousal and child support was filed in the court on November 26, 2013.  Although embarrassing for my husband but satisfying to me for my husband  be served divorce papers at his work, his lawyer was provided the notice instead to save on costs.  I know his lawyer received the documents and said he would serve his client (my husband) with them.  He also asked my lawyer where she saw the file going.  I did not expect to hear anything before Christmas but my new year’s resolution is to get this settled on all levels so I can freely move on.

There is always the hope of what a new year can bring.  I had a ticket to spend New Year’s Eve with friends seeing The Timebenders.  We were going to have a lovely dinner first and then dance, laugh and probably drink some champagne on our way into 2014. Instead I am home alone, with the flu, peeing everytime I have a deep coughing fit, sweating and shivering on the couch watching True Hollywood stories that help me think my life could be worse if I were Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Paula Dean, or Sarah Palin.  My champagne was Schindler’s List.  I had never wanted to see it but tonight I felt I could.  The tears really started flowing during the liquidation of the ghetto when I saw the little girl with the red coat, standing out in a black & white film, running for her life while people are gunned down around her, no parent to hold her hand, to offer her comfort or to try and protect her.

Crying and coughing, I sat on the toilet so the pee could flow there instead of into a pad and I just stayed.  It was my scared dog that came in and broke my attention away from me.  He was shaking.  Then I heard the fireworks, the air horn, and I got off the toilet and looked out the window.  It was midnight and people were celebrating.  I cried for another 20 minutes then went back to watch the movie.  The little girl in the red coat found an open door and got off the street. Hope for somewhere safe. Others who had been hiding though were discovered and killed.

Maybe 13 won’t be unlucky.  There is always the possibility that what seems terrible at the time has some grander purpose for the better.  Maybe the future will reveal that the number 13 was actually my lucky day; my lucky year, because so much more fulfillment comes or I am saved from something that I just don’t see or understand yet.

In Schindler’s List I come to the part where they have to exhume bodies and burn them.  There on a cart being carried to be burned with the others is the body of the little girl in the red coat.  For what grand purpose did that happen? For what grand purpose was the war; the holocaust; the near extermination of an entire race?

What I have to hold on to when I feel like I am running all alone for my life in the chaos of gun shots and fear, is my deep core value that God is in control.  He loves me; He has a plan for me; He won’t be mocked and if He is for me, who can be against me?  I trust in that over any understanding or lack of understanding regarding my circumstances.  I go crazy if I start to focus on the “why?” because there is no answer.  I have to just believe that good will triumph evil.  I believe there is a grand plan and I am a part of it in some way that I don’t understand now.

 

 

 

 

 

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cheating, Collaborative Family Law, control, divorce, family, lawyer, legal advice, legal proceedings, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting, relationships, separation

Letter to husband regarding separation and initial action

On March 1, 2013, the day my husband knew I was aware he was having an affair, at 11:50 p.m., I sent the following e-mail:

(Husband’s name),

This is a very difficult time for (daughters’ names) and me. We would all prefer if you could find alternative accommodations and to please not come back home at this time. I know you will need some personal items. Both girls have asked that you not come to the house when they are present. I require being home but I do not want to see you or talk to you. Please give us an hour notice by text before you arrive so the girls can leave to a place where they will feel more comfortable. Please make sure you receive a responding text from me before you come by. You can enter through the back door which I will leave unlocked and all of the items from your closet, drawers and bathroom will be there packed up so you can easily move them. You can take your hockey equipment out of the garage. Please let me know if there is anything else you would like me to leave for you.

(15-year old daughter’s name) has made it clear to you by text that she does not want to talk to you at this time. Although you have a need to share your side of the story with her, this is not what the girls need at this time. Both (daughters’ names) have told me separately that they do not want to see you or talk to you at this time. Please respect their needs.

I would like to use Friday, March 1, 2013 as our first day of separation. This is the day that your adultery was made clear to me and this is the day that you chose to leave us.

I have retained the services of a Family Law Group lawyer. I am leaving you a folder that outlines the 4 Family Law Options. These include:

1. Court Proceedings
2. Mediation
3. Traditional Negotiation
4. The Collaborative Family Law Option

Choosing number 4 will keep us out of the court which could cost us a total of up to $120,000. We are the ones that retain control of the process and who determine what we think is fair in terms of issues to be settled which will eventually lead to the signing of a binding, enforceable Separation Agreement. The process involves the use of four-way meetings which can include us, our lawyers, divorce coaches, financial advisors, psychologists, counselors, support for all of us and a number of other professionals who can be part of the process based on our family needs. The objective is to enable the family to restructure in a positive way without the enormous emotional and financial costs of traditional litigation.

The folder also has a pamphlet about the ‘Parenting After Separation’ program. This is a requirement for us both to attend. These sessions run for 3 hours on Wednesday morning or Wednesday evening at the library. We must do this separately. You can get more information about the program by calling (250) 387-6121.

You can obtain a list of the lawyers involved in this process by calling (250) 704-2600. My lawyer is Robert Klassen and his contact information is attached to the folder. There is other helpful information included in the folder.

Important:

Both girls have indicated that they want to continue with our trip to Florida to see their grandparents, family and friends. You have indicated that you will not be coming. You must contact Visa travel cancellation and ensure you have a valid reason that will cover the cancellation of your flight. You will then be charged a $250 fee by the airline but you will have a flight credit. You have to do this ASAP as your ticket is attached to (oldest daughter’s name). As soon as you cancel with Visa you must call the Flight Centre at (250) 360-0246 to cancel the flight so they can issue (daughter) a new ticket. She won’t be able to fly if this isn’t done. We tried to have your airline ticket changed to (daughter’s friend’s name) but they would not grant a name change, even for a fee. Perhaps you can talk to whoever you need to for this to happen. (Daughter) doesn’t feel comfortable flying alone with 2 plane changes and she has also made it clear that she will not fly with you. We tried to get them to cancel your flight and then just reissue the ticket in (daughter’s friend’s name) but this will cost an additional $2500 as the flight is full and it will go back into the Economy pool. You have all the paperwork in your e-mail as per your request for me to send that to you. It might really be good for your relationship rebuilding with (daughter) if you can get strings pulled for (daughter’s friend) to take your place.

If you have any questions about any of the content of this e-mail, please respond by e-mail only.

Thank you,

(my name)

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