adultery, divorce, moving on, relationships, single parent, yoga

Desiderata

I have been participating in a 40-day Sadhana Challenge. It is a daily practice to support clarity on my San Kalpa (personal intention) to align my actions with my deepest and truest dreams.

After 10 days of this practice, I knew that I was getting ready to give birth to my San Kalpa. I suffered abdominal cramping that caused me to wince, grunt, moan and adjust my breathing. I was very, very uncomfortable for no other known reason. I still didn’t know what exactly it would look like until yesterday when it became clear and defined.

I returned to help my friend move. I was working alone and in a bit of a meditative state as I walked back and forth collecting and carrying at least 60 framed pieces of art to load when I came across a framed poem called “Desiderata”. It was dated 1927 by author Max Ehrmann. I sat down and read it several times:

GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE & HASTE, & REMEMBER WHAT PEACE THERE MAY BE IN SILENCE. AS FAR AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideal; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I have always considered myself to be real and genuine but I realized that one difficult task that I have been slow to complete has been out of fear for the consequences of speaking truth to power. I have been wronged and I have been silenced. It is has been hard to correct the effects of this on my life. I also have a relationship, and I think it trickles into other relationships, where I have felt silenced and suppressed. I have not shared my true feelings for fear of losing or harming the relationship when in fact that response has instead been harming me and making me feel false in the relationship.

My San Kalpa is to be myself and speak my truth.

In boldness, I responded differently to my friend last night. Initially they suggested that maybe we should just avoid speaking on two subjects but I refused to let silence and pretending be the answer. I shared my opinions, specific examples of what this person has said and how it made me feel. I was kind, never accusing but I expressed my concern. I hoped they saw my heart and my intent. Their response was “Fair Enough”. They also said they wanted to reflect on what I shared and would get back to me today. They then contacted me a bit later to say it actually would probably take them 2 days to respond.

On the weekend, I will focus on the much more complex task that I need to follow through to completion.

I have 28 days left in this challenge and I am very excited to see how this journey progresses.

adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, hypocrisy, in-laws, Janice Andrews, parenting after separation, relationships, single parent, the other woman

“You will always be our daughter-in-law”

Oh, the sentimental cliché that was uttered to me by my mother-in-law in the weeks following her realization that her son had in fact been cheating on me with another woman and had walked away from me and our children to pursue a relationship with Janice Andrews.

Fast forward 5 1/2 years and in that time there has been one phone call by my mother-in-law with my father-in-law on the other end and they brought me a birthday gift when they were in town 4 months later to see my daughter dance. Then…crickets. I reached out once by email to my in-laws, including my brother-in-law, about my ex’s disturbing behavior and my concern but no response. They have been to visit their son at least once/year and never once have they called or wanted to see me. I have seen them in passing at my daughter’s dance recitals during their visit but that was it. My father-in-law, in particular, especially during his visit this year, was extremely cold.

Two things got me thinking about this phrase. Firstly, I had coffee this morning with a friend of mine in her late 70’s and her husband in his 80’s. I have know their son and daughter-in-law for over 20 years. Their daughter-in-law had an affair on their son over a year ago and destroyed their marriage. There is no chance of reconciliation. Yet, even though their son was betrayed (and the details and consequences for him as a result of the affair were severe–he lead a church and lost his job) have indicated she will always be their daughter-in-law and they have proven it by continuing to have a close and personal relationship with her. My friend told me, “I forgive her.”

We talked about another couple that we both know, who are my age with 2 girls the same age as my girls. They are part of our little circle of church connections who migrated to Vancouver Island at the same time and who have also recently split. She told me that my girlfriend told her mother-in-law (we are also friends with her mother and father-in-law) she was so afraid she would lose her in the split. Her mother-in-law replied, “You will always be my daughter-in-law” and they continue to hike and kayak together even though her mother-in-law has fallen into a deep depression over the split and also as a result of her husband’s recent Parkinson’s Disease diagnosis.

My friend asked me this morning if I had a relationship with my in-laws. They had met them at our house during one of their visits. I told her that I did not. She was sorry. I didn’t cheat on their son so why did they betray me too? Why is that my friend is still able to embrace the daughter-in-law who has hurt her son and grandchildren and the rest of their family so cruelly and my in-laws don’t care about the mother who is trying so hard to raise their grandchildren despite everything their son has done to tear apart their lives.

Secondly, my ex sent me a bizarre email. This was a comment that he wrote at the end of a long rant about something completely unrelated:

“Do you think (my mom’s name) would act or request the things you do? She was selfless and always acted with kindness and regard for others. She always made a point of being inclusive when others were trying to exclude, such as (my brother-in-law’s name). You should try acting and honouring your mother rather than being the antithesis of everything she was and stood for.”

I have no idea why my ex suddenly brought my mom into his email and I was trying to understand why he was feeling excluded. He is correct that even after my sister and her husband separated my mom invited my brother-in-law to every birthday and special occasion dinner. It caused tension sometimes, especially for my sister, but we all see now how beneficial it was to everyone in the family in the long run and how amazing my mom was to put her relationship with my sister on the line to do what she felt was right and loving for her grandchildren especially but for the family as a whole because we are all still family. My mom practiced love and would have without a doubt, if she was here, done the same for my ex. I don’t think, however, he would have had the courage to step into her circle of love. A lot of my family did reach out to my ex after our split but he didn’t answer or return any of their calls. My girls have asked him to do things with me and them together but he has always refused. I told my ex, I would do things with him and our girls and put everything aside for those moments they needed for their well-being but he would not even try. He excluded himself. If he loved my mom so much as he claims that he did, why isn’t he honouring her by acting the way he says she acted. He loves to tell me what I “should” do and hold me to some standard while ignoring it himself. It is he who is the “antithesis”.

When I told my ex that I had no understanding of his comments about my mom and his feelings of being excluded in context to his email subject he responded:

“You’re exactly right you don’t understand. My point was that your mother didn’t take sides. She didn’t get caught up in the politics. She didn’t hold grudges. She didn’t try to paint people in a negative light. She looked for ways to try and draw people together despite difficult and challenging life situations. (My brother-in-law’s name) was a perfect example. He didn’t pay a dime of child or spousal support. Your sister didn’t want him around for family functions but your mother would always invite him. Make sure it was about the children and there being able to spend time with their Dad. Despite the fact that she may not have agreed or been happy with (my brother in-law’s name), she never spoke negatively in front of the kids and was trying to make the best of the situation. Completely opposite of what you have chosen to do.”

He praises my mom’s behavior but it is the complete opposite of what he and his family have done. I have no intention of ever doing anything with Janice Andrews but I have offered on many occasions to do the “family” thing for my girls. Maybe my ex should be sending his praise of my mom’s nature to his parents. After all, it was his mom that told my daughter this summer, “Your mom will always be our daughter-in-law but your dad is our son.” In reality her words are backed up by “Your mom will always be our daughter-in-law but we choose to wish the mistress Happy Birthday on Facebook instead.”

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman, psychology, relationships

Negative Consequences of an Affair

Thank you, TheClip, for providing this link from “About Relationships”. It describes my cheating spouse’s behavior and treatment of me to the dime. It helps explain and confirm that healing from the side of the faithful spouse is a longer, harder journey especially when the cheating spouse continues to try to force me to pay for his bad behaviour.

Mutual Agreements Mean Happy Endings:

There are differing types of divorce and each one has it’s own emotional and psychological intensity. There is the bilateral agreement divorce where both spouses are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. In a divorce like this, the couple is often able to come to a mutual agreement, settle their affairs amicably, and stay connected as friends with little emotional upset.

Then there is the unilateral divorce where one spouse makes the decision to divorce to the utter shock of the other spouse. This type of divorce means more emotional and psychological intensity for the spouse who was unaware of the problems in the marriage.

The one choosing to leave has had time to think about, reflect upon and weigh the options and to emotionally divorce themselves from the marriage. The other spouse, who is caught by surprise, is normally mistreated and left to feel abandoned. There is a huge imbalance of power with the one leaving being the one in control of most aspects of whether or not the marriage will continue.

Enter The Third Party:

Add to this a third party and the issue of an affair and the emotional intensity is compounded. Not only will the left behind spouse feel abandoned but he/she will also feel replaced by someone better, younger, more attractive. The pain in this type of divorce comes from losing a position of importance in the life of your spouse, from beliefs about immorality, betrayal and feelings of failure as a spouse.

Normally a spouse who falls prey to an affair is a decent person that is aware of their behavior and how it is frowned upon by society. Even though they are aware of the immorality of their actions, they continue with the relationship, which means dealing with feelings of guilt.

The Blame Game:

Feelings of guilt motivates them to demonize the faithful spouse in an attempt to justify their affair.

They will accuse their spouse of many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. The faithful spouse is portrayed as an inadequate partner, which left the cheating spouse no choice but to find an adequate replacement.

Not only will the faithful spouse be demonized, history is rewritten to make it appear that he/she has been inadequate for the entire duration of the marriage. The cheating spouse will recreate the marriage and what happened during the marriage to make it appear that they have suffered much pain and unhappiness throughout the entire marriage.

They may say things such as, “I was forced into marrying you” or, “You’ve never loved me the way I needed to be loved” or, “I have lived in hell for 20 years.” He/She will say anything as long as it will enable him/her to appear to have been the victim of the marriage and fully justified in abandoning their spouse by blaming the wronged spouse.

You Pay for Their Bad Behavior:

The cheating spouse will tell their story often and to anyone who will listen, to the point that they will finally begin to truly believe that the left behind spouse deserves punishment. The faithful spouse is the offender and the persecutor and needs to be dealt with harshly.

Punishment will come in the way of financial withholding or worse, fighting over custody for any children of the marriage. They may begin to believe that the faithful, demonized spouse is not entitled to receive any future benefits from them, sometimes not even those allowed by law.

Shocked and Awed:

The faithful spouse will question their own sanity and replay their marriage in their mind trying to find some hint of all the unhappiness they are told of by the unfaithful spouse. They will question how their spouse, someone they have loved and trusted could betray them in such a way. First to have an affair and then to rewrite the history of their marriage in such a way as to try and lay blame at their feet.

The faithful spouse will wonder how their spouse could blame them for having to have an affair and how they could defame their character after many years of being given love, respect and trust. They will wonder how their spouse cannot see how their words and blaming does damage to the children by depicting their mother/father in a bad light.

The faithful spouse will question his/her own memory of what they thought was a happy marriage. He/She will wonder if the marriage was never anything but a sham and a figment of their imagination. They will wonder why the unfaithful spouse never complained if they were unhappy or why they never made a request for changes in the relationship.

Being punished for your spouse’s cheating is an overwhelming state in which to find yourself. Recovery from the stress of such a profound emotional trauma is slow. If you have found yourself in such a situation, remember, with time comes healing and understanding. You will laugh again, love again and the sun will shine again. All you have to do is trust your memories, never forget that the insanity caused by an affair is not your fault and that you are not alone because in today’s society cheating is the number one reason for divorce.

adultery, affair, cheating, difficult personality, divorce, Dr. Craig Malkin, narcissism, Oprah, parenting, psychology, relationships, separation

The Secret Signs of Narcissism

I recently received, in my inbox, an email from Oprah.com with an article entitled “How to Spot the Hidden Narcissist in Your Life”. I watched the video that teaches you how to protect yourself after identifying an narcissist by learning how to engage and when to walk away.

Beneficial to me was the coping mechanism of “catching the narcissist doing something good.” This direction on how to approach the narcissist in your life suggests that you point out times they show caring, concern or empathy. Research shows that the more the narcissist sees they can rely on feeling good from relationships the less they turn to the addiction of needing to feel special or superior in other unhealthy ways.

I tried this.

I thanked Dave for selling the 3 coupon books that I gave him for our daughter’s dance program. I also complimented him on selling the 10 raffle tickets I gave him to sell. I thanked him by text for getting the money back to me and then suggested that he might want to even look at buying some gift cards for places that he regularly frequents, through her dance program fundraiser, for himself and Christmas gifts. A specific percentage, depending on the company, goes back to our daughter directly. He got back to me a few days later and said he had money for the poinsettia fundraiser, too. He gets all the fundraising emails but he has never raised funds for her before. My response, “Wow, you did poinsettias. That is awesome. I hear they are beautiful for the price.” He asked what he had to do with the order forms and I told him that I would hand everything in for him. He mentioned that the order had to be in that day so I just asked him to email the rep and let her know it would come in the next day and make sure that was okay. He did.

A couple of days later I asked him if he was interested in picking up our daughter from dance on a night that I had a conflict. He didn’t respond for 3 days so I made other arrangements but then he did respond saying he would get her. The day after he picked her up I texted him saying, “Thank you for picking up (daughter’s name). I am sure she misses seeing her dad every day.”

The blurb under the video I watched has this message:

It’s not always easy to spot a narcissist, but knowing who they are can save you from heartbreak. Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, breaks down the hidden warning signs of a narcissist. Watch as he explains how they work—and how you can protect your own emotional health.

The video is only 6 minutes long and worth the view.

affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, family, father/daughter, infidelity, loss, marriage breakdown, parenting, relationships, separation, single parent

The ex discovers I am dating

I’ve just taken out identifying names but here is a cut and paste from the email I received from my ex on January 20, 2015:

“I am concerned about (our older daughter who lives with my ex). But I’m also concerned about (our younger daughter who lives with me). You may be enthralled that someone is paying attention to you, but don’t forget your obligations to protect your daughters. Moving in with a guy you know nothing about after a few months is ridiculous. It again goes to show the lack of good judgment exhibited by you over the last two years. Get a grip on your emotions and start being a positive example rather than an embarrassment to your children. I’m happy that you’re dating someone, but keep a proper distance and allow yourself the time to get to know him before you introduce him to our children, let alone move in with him and tie yourself financially and emotionally. That’s all (our younger daughter) needs is for you to move in with someone and then 6 mths from now you realize he’s not all what you thought he was and you’re moving again.

He has his own issues to work out, such as his own divorce, so I’d like to think you’d consider that in your thought process before even contemplating things like this. It scares me to think that you’d even entertain this, let alone talk about it with the kids when our own situation is not resolved. You have no idea what the kids think of him, which as I understand it they are not over the moon about him. That should be your priority. Not having a companion to help with your bills and someone to sleep with.”

Wow, this coming from the guy who was lying to me and his kids while having an affair with a co-worker choosing to do things still with her or for himself instead of putting our children’s needs above his own. Is he really talking to me about “obligations”, “priorities”, being “an embarrassment” to my children, my need to be a “positive example”, “protection” and “lack of good judgement”?

Firstly, I have been seeing this man for 8 months. My ex is only getting wind of him now because I have not talked about him or introduced him to my children or had him even know where I live until recently. My older daughter has only met him 2 times and that is because she chose to come into the house to specifically meet him when she saw his vehicle in the driveway when she and her dad were dropping her sister off. They exchanged hello’s and that was it.

The man I am dating is so respectful of my situation and of me being a mom first. He has never slept at my house except when I was called that my older daughter was in emergency. He was the one who drove my younger daughter back home from visiting her sister in the hospital. He came and picked her up after midnight. My ex would not do that. In fact, my ex was more concerned that he was at the hospital when he had a 7:00 a.m. hockey game. I had girlfriend coming to the hospital to pick my younger daughter up but when the man I am dating offered to get my daughter and sleep on the couch until I came home she chose that instead. My ex raised zero concern about an unrelated male driving our daughter and staying alone with her. Instead he jealously said in front of both our children that I could go and get our younger daughter’s bag from his vehicle as he didn’t want to interrupt my “love fest”. When I arrived home at 2:00 a.m. he stayed on the couch with me for 1 1/2 hours and let me talk about the situation and calm down so I could go to sleep and then he left.

I have met his parents and his 20 year old daughter. I like them all very much. Both his daughter and his parents know that he is 100% reliable and I have witnessed all the things he does for them. He is the one who picks his daughter up if she is out with friends on the weekend to ensure she gets home safely and to ensure she is actually home. I have been to his beautiful home and have seen the house that he built with his own hands. He’s invited me to visit him at work. He’s taken me out with his best friend. He rarely drinks and doesn’t do drugs or smoke. He is a coach and runs and cycles regularly. I continue to ask all of the hard questions. I have introduced him to 3 of my friends and their husbands/boyfriends who also have been brutal at times looking for deep sincere answers to their questions. He told me after our Super Bowl party that one of my friends talked to him when I wasn’t around. He said he knows what a valuable friend I am and how much I am cared for because of how they have pressed him.

However, I am not interested in anything other than dating this kind, gentle man who respects me. I have no intention of moving in with him. He was kind enough to offer us a home he recently bought near my daughter’s school, that he plans to fix up and flip, if I haven’t found a suitable living option when my house sells. My daughter knows this because she is feeling very insecure about having to move. She is afraid we will have to give up our dog and 2 cats. Knowing we have options has given her more of a feeling of security. Her dad has taken all her security away. She has no positive male role models in her life and the counselor has impressed it is really important to surround her with men who do not behave badly. Unfortunately her best friend’s dad did the exact same thing that her dad did so having a man in her life who didn’t use an affair to end his marriage and who actually wants to be with his own children and my daughter, too, is a big deal.

To address my ex’s concerns: I think our children have suffered far more damage by their dad moving out after living with them for 15 and 10 years than if I were ever to move in with someone and move out after 6 months. They were far more tied emotionally and financially to a dad who no longer provides or meets those needs and worse has crippled us in both of those areas. I think our kids have suffered far more by realizing we are being forced to move because it is their own father who is not the person we thought he was.

cheating, children, deceitfulness, divorce, infidelity, lies, other woman, relationships, Uncategorized

Intuition

It has now been 1 year since I discovered my husband’s affair.

I decided to go back and see what was going on in e-mail conversations during that time. Unfortunately my phone was replaced so I don’t have text messages between us from back then.

There are some specific things that stand out in my mind. In January 2013 my husband left me, our 2 daughters and one of their friends waiting at a very busy restaurant for 45 minutes before he showed up. My daughter had talked to him just 30 minutes before the agreed meeting time. He failed to answer his cell phone when I was trying to find out where he was and when he did finally arrive he said, “I was out on a claim and I never said I would be here at 6:00 p.m.” Then he shoved an onion ring in his mouth. Maybe I was so trusting I accepted what he said; maybe I couldn’t accept another reason at that time; maybe I was too lazy to inquire further or more likely I was just too annoyed, disappointed and hurt.

When I discovered with no doubt an affair was happening, I was so shocked and disbelieving but should I have been? I realized after the fact that there were some other things I should have questioned further.

The last e-mail where he told me loved me was September 9, 2012. Our 18th wedding anniversary was September 10 and he joked he was spending the night with his mistress as it was their one year anniversary. There is a gap in our email conversations from September 27 – October 16 and the emails following that date are about a fight that Dave picked with me upon his return from a couple of days away on business. He arrived home the weekend of my first 1/2 marathon. He complained that the house was still as messy as it was when he left and made a way bigger deal of this than seemed reasonable. He didn’t come to support me at the 1/2 marathon and didn’t bring our girls down to cheer me on. That was Thanksgiving weekend and when I came home from the race, as sore and tired as I was with blisters on my feet that prevented me from walking without limping, I still put the turkey in the oven and then left the house and went to the beach to get away and to rest. I returned to put dinner on the table and my husband announced in front of the girls “the stuffing tastes like shit.”

He didn’t want to come with me to my girlfriend’s surprise 40th birthday in November but I finally convinced him that I really wanted him to be there with me. He always seemed to pick a fight or wouldn’t come with me to meet new friends or do anything with my friends when we had plans to go out.

At his company Christmas party on December 14 he ignored me the entire time. I noticed a couple of women hanging on to his every word but I didn’t ask about them and looking at them I didn’t see anything special that would make me think my husband was interested. It turns out that the one woman was the “other woman”. Something happened the night before at their client party because that date, December 13, came out in a text I found when I discovered the affair. We left his Christmas party hand in hand. The 2 girls who talked to him all night followed us out at the same time. I was social that night with his other coworkers and their wives but I was not enjoying myself. He was drunk and on display so I just let him have his fun. After all, it was his company party. I even tried to build up his ego by commenting on the girls hanging off him.

When we went to my sister’s house in Vancouver on December 27 for our family Christmas he got very drunk and told my sister in front of her 3 girls, who are in their 20’s, my kids, and my niece’s boyfriend that if he wasn’t with me he would be with my sister. When I told my sister about his affair she was stunned but said he was acting so inappropriately at Christmas that she and my nieces were all commenting on it afterwards. The next day when we were travelling home he was just being mean and not wanting to do the Boxing Day shopping that me and my girls were interested in doing. He said he wasn’t hung over and was feeling well. He definitely had started to drink a lot more since joining his new company in the summer of 2011. He had dial-a-driver programmed into his phone. He had been using this service quite frequently over the previous 6 months.

He told me January 24, 2014 that the guys on his hockey team were taking him out for his birthday the next night. He did have hockey scheduled on the calendar and that was usual for a Friday night. When I asked where they were going he said to the Keg. That is a fine dining restaurant, not a boys-going-out-for-a-beer kind of place. The next night we went out for his birthday to a Pink in the Rink Royals hockey game. I bought him a chuck-a-puck and he won 2 tickets to Rihanna, hotel and airfare. When he saw the date of the concert he had a tantrum because it was the day we were to return from our Florida March break vacation. He stomped and said childishly, “I want to go and you scheduled our trip longer than I wanted you to.” I was dumbfounded and just looked at him. Again, this was his behavior in front of our girls.

In February he starts to stay later at work. I remember calling him on a February Saturday morning just after I dropped my daughter at dance on a Saturday morning reminding him to order tickets to our daughter’s dance recital. His response was very terse and hurried telling me he had to go out on 3 claims and couldn’t talk. Usually on Saturday mornings he takes the dog for a hike by himself. The next Saturday morning in February he tells me he is taking the dog for a hike but not leaving at 10:30 a.m. He always went alone. Why was he going at a specific time? I never questioned this. My girlfriend invited us to a house-warming party after my daughter’s dance recital and he refused to go. Another night in February, he wanted to have sex and is mad I don’t feel like using toys. He turns over and decides then not to have sex with me at all. On 2 other occasions in February it took a long time for him to get an erection. I found a bottle of lubrication in our bathroom. I asked him what it was doing on the counter and he tells me he was looking at the ingredients in it. On February 14 when we last had sex it was very different; aggressive and raunchy. I asked him afterwards who he was having sex with because it wasn’t me. February 18 he mentions separation. On February 26 he told me he contacted our tenants at our home in Cambridge Ontario saying we were going to sell the home. That shocked me. He was moving quickly to get rid of our assets. I mentioned that our banker suggested a spousal RRSP and he said, “What if you aren’t going to continue to be my spouse?” I remember talking to him in the kitchen and thinking that he was looking at me as though he despised me. On the evening of February 26 I was sobbing and begging my husband to not just leave but to go to counseling to work on our marriage. He said that I would never change.

In Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she indicates that “…psychologists believe that intuition is a rapid-fire, unconscious associating process–like a mental puzzle. The brain makes an observation, scans its files, and matches the observation with existing memories, knowledge, and experiences. Once it puts together a series of matches, we get a “gut” on what we’ve observed.”

On February 28 he was leaving to go to Vancouver the next morning. We were watching t.v. together but he got up suddenly to say he was going to bed because he had to get up early in the morning. I told him we wouldn’t see each other before he left so we should hug goodbye now. He sighed with annoyance. I said, “You don’t want to hug me goodbye?” He said, “No, you can hug me.” It was exactly at that moment that my gut finally made me check my husband’s phone.

cheating, children, emails, family, feelings, infidelity, insensitivity, marriage breakdown, relationships

The sensitivity of a gnat

My husband’s birthday is January 26. He was already having sex with the other woman by this time. He actually celebrated his birthday with her after playing hockey on Friday, January 25. They went to the Keg for dinner. I assumed he was out with his hockey buddies having some beers celebrating his birthday. I was home with our girls.

In the summer at a golf tournament, my husband won tickets for a Royals hockey game. He could choose any game to attend. He chose 4 tickets on the date of his birthday to attend the Royals Pink in the Rink Game raising funds for breast cancer. We attended as a family all dressed in pink.

I bought my husband and kids souvenir scarves to wear as well as 8 ‘chuck a-pucks’ to throw out during one of the intermissions. We split the pucks so we each had 2 to throw. My husband won closest to one of the 3 circles. I went to collect his prize. The prize was 2 tickets to the Rihanna concert on April 1 in Vancouver, hotel for the night and air fare. The prize package was probably worth about $1000. When I gave my husband his prize he thought it was great. We were all so excited. The girls indicated they wanted to go to the concert so we talked briefly about how we would have to see if we could get 2 more tickets.

Then we looked at the date of the concert. It was the date we were booked to fly home from Florida. My husband literally had a tantrum. He yelled at me that I booked our trip to come home from Florida that day and he hadn’t wanted to stay that long in Florida in the first place. It was all my fault we now wouldn’t be able to go to the concert and he wanted to go. I suggested that we could do something; maybe change our return flight home to a day earlier or still go the concert as we arrived home 5 hours before the concert started. I suggested that maybe we could fly from Florida into Vancouver instead of Victoria and I was trying to think in my mind how we would handled our luggage, etc.

Firstly, I couldn’t believe he was acting this way and then acting this way in front of the kids. Yes, it would have been nice to go to the concert but it was on a Monday night, there were only 2 tickets so we either had to get 2 more tickets for the kids and the kids would miss school the next day or we had to find them some place to stay on a school night while we attended. We have no family here to look after the kids. We would also need to find someone to look after the dog if we went over night. It wasn’t simple logistically to figure out so wasn’t it a great prize to sell to someone else and take the money to use on our vacation? Plus, wasn’t our family vacation going to be great enough. It was our Christmas gift to the kids. Wouldn’t we want that extra day to enjoy Disney World?

I mentioned his tantrum and how his behaviour made me feel and he did apologize to me afterwards. We decided to sell the tickets.

On March 5, 2013 my husband made comments to me about e-mails that I sent my friends including a photograph of the girl that I thought was the other woman. I thought the only way he could possibly know this is because he went onto my computer when he came in the house with no one here as we knew he had done the night before when he knew the rest of us were out of the house.

When I called my husband out on that he said in an email to me on March 5, 2013 @ 9:00 a.m.:

“No…I’ve been told what you’re sending to people…. but you went through my emails? Isn’t that a little hypocritical of you?”

He is referring to me taking his Blackberry on February 28 to see if I could find any evidence of indiscretions. I responded by e-mail on March 5, 2013 @ 12:37 p.m.:

“I never went through your e-mails–ever in the 23 years I have been with you. I’ve never snooped through your drawers, pockets, pagers, phones, etc. I don’t even know how to use your Blackberry. Sadly, I trusted you explicitly and let you live your life completely free. I never once thought you would do this to us and our family. I thought you loved me. I thought you loved your kids. I thought you loved and valued everything we built together. I am devastated. I am betrayed. I am the saddest person on this planet right now. I ache so deeply for this loss especially for my children who have lost every security they thought they had. It is unrepairable. This will affect forever the relationships that they will have. The best gift my parents every gave me was raising me in a secure marriage. I am so sad I can’t give my children that gift. I am so sad my husband didn’t love or respect me enough to fight for our marriage, to fight for our family, to go to counseling like I suggested. I got counselor names, I told you how much I loved you and would do anything for you. I am sad that my kids know that you gave up on us. That we weren’t enough for you.”

His response on March 6, 2013 @ 7:57 a.m.:

“Did you pack the Rihanna tickets somewhere. I haven’t seen them and would like to sell them.”

cheating, children, control, deceitfulness, family, father/daughter, infidelity, lawyer, legal advice, legal proceedings, parenting, property disposal, relationships, separation, threats

Husband gets a lawyer

On March 4, 2013 @ 12:23 p.m. my husband sends me the following email:

“I’ve sent your email to my lawyer and you have no legal right to do anything with my belongings. You will be receiving a letter today which will be a cease and desist order. When I’ve got my accommodations sorted out I will pick up the remaining contents.”

I received an e-mail from his lawyer on March 4, 2013 @ 2:33 p.m. stating the following:

“Please be advised that we represent (husband). It has come to our attention that you have been removing and disposing of his personal property. This action needs to stop immediately. My client has been attempting to reasonably vacate the premises in an orderly and cooperative manner. He is still an owner of the property and there is no reason that his property needs to be removed in anything but a reasonable manner. My client simply needs a reasonable amount of time to find another place and he can collect his belongings once that happens.”

I respond by e-mail to my husband’s lawyer on March 5, 2013 @ 8:02 a.m. with a copy to my husband:

“None of (husband’s) property has ever been disposed. As a matter of fact, I rescued his Arsenal hat from the garbage. When I asked my daughter why daddy’s hat was in the garbage she said, “Because the slut was wearing it in the photo.” My daughter also said she couldn’t believe that I packed up his belongings so nicely in boxes and bags and placed everything in a neat and organized manner and easy location inside the house for him to access. She also was upset that I gave him “everything” instead of keeping some things that she thought should be ours to keep. When (husband) was not able to pick up very many items, we just had them delivered to the building in which he is an owner and where he claims to spend most of his time. The items were delivered shortly before he arrives at the office, well labeled, well protected and sheltered.

He was asked to pick up the rest of his items while I was at the house and to give me advanced notice. This is because it is not appropriate for him to be walking around the premises when someone is not here and removing items without my knowledge. Furthermore, my children have been very traumatized by his appearances at the house.

While I was at a school function last night with my older daughter, we both received frantic texts and phone calls that my younger daughter was “freaking out” because (husband) was at the house when we weren’t there and without our knowledge or permission. She was sure he was “stealing” our dog. When he was at our house the first time, my daughter called to me frantically saying that daddy came to the house 30 minutes before he was supposed to be there. She didn’t want to be there and she didn’t want the dog to be there when he arrived. She was hiding because she didn’t want him to see her. She was shaking because she needed to leave the house so I had to help her go out the front door with the dog and to just keep walking and not look back. She had her friend call another mom to come over because s he was afraid of what her dad might do to me. She called me on the phone 45 minutes later asking why he was still at the house saying his truck position had moved and was backed up to the garage and she was sure he was taking my things that are in the garage to dump because he always threatened to do this. Although I assured her that her daddy wouldn’t be wasting his time doing that now, the thoughts that have been going through my children’s heads are real to them.

Both my children are not sleeping, have been missing school since Friday and are incredibly anxious, emotional, scared and worried. It is upsetting to my older daughter that her dad didn’t come to her school last night to hear about her Experiential Learning Program that she is going to be a part of this upcoming term and that he chose not to be involved in parent/teacher interviews. It is even more upsetting to her that he used that opportunity while we were out of the house to do yet another thing that she considers to be deceitful. She is terrified to be at the house by herself because she thinks he is going to come by and/or try to contact her.

It appears that (husband) came through the house and did take the rest of his items. There doesn’t appear to be anything left in the garage that belongs to him. I trust that there will be no reason for him to come by our home again unannounced. If there is something that he might need in the future that he thinks he left here, I will be happy to try and locate that item and leave it outside our home at a time convenient to us both for him to retrieve this.”

The only response I received was from my husband on March 5, 2013 @ 8:24 a.m. by e-mail:

“Do you think (my lawyer) cares about my Arsenal hat or any of the other drivel that you put in the email? The simple fact is you have no right to restrict my access to the house to get, store or use my belongings. I am a legal owner of the property and am entitled to any of the benefits that an owner may enjoy.

I am trying to be nice and accommodating to you. But when you threaten to throw out my belongings on the driveway or leave them out front my office that is not rational or acceptable. So I went and got most of my things. There are still others that I will retrieve when I am able.

Stop using the kids in this process. Stop making them feel insecure and hiding them in the house and allowing crazy irrational behaviours. You are perpetuating things that aren’t real and that is simply unacceptable. You are attempting to punish me through the kids and that is petty, childish and frankly wrong. You can either start to accept what has happened, move forward and start to work with me or I will retain legal counsel to commence action for my rights to the kids. Take your pick.”

cheating, control, debt, deceitfulness, family, infidelity, legal proceedings, lies, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting, relationships, separation

My emotions start spilling out

On Monday, March 4 at 7:24 a.m. my husband sends the following e-mail:

“Can you tell me why you’ve put $30,000 on our line of credit?”

I respond at 9:27 a.m.: “You are the one who owes me explanations, not the other way around.”

He responds at 9:37 a.m.:

“I’m happy to discuss whatever you’d like to chat about. What I would appreciate is you stopping the childish behaviour so that we can all try and move on. I asked a valid question and you come back with a childish response. I ask you that I would like to leave my stuff until I can get a rental and you dump it in front of the office. If that’s what makes you feel better fantastic but you aren’t helping us to move forward. I sure hope you didn’t have the kids involved in that little stunt. Really makes you look petty in the long run.

Anyways I’ve got a line on a rental basement suite on (street that leads to my street) that I wanted to discuss with you. Are you open to this?

My response at 11:21 a.m.:

“I am so glad you’d be “happy” to discuss whatever I want. We know how important it is for it to be (husband’s name) who is happy at the expense of everyone else. So here is my “chat”.

Don’t you dare talk to me about being childish and don’t you dare try to pull your morality bullshit with me. I don’t give a shit what you appreciate–You want to leave your stuff here, you want to live in the neighbourhood, you want to fuck who you want to fuck and come home and play house. You couldn’t even tell me the truth when I asked you point blank. If you had have acted like a man instead of a child we wouldn’t be in this place. You would have just manned up and said you met someone else and moved out and no one would have seen your depraved fucked up love life spilled out and now spewed and polluted in our minds forever. If you had have been a man you would have said you couldn’t meet us for dinner at Red Robin instead of making us wait 45 minutes while you were with your GF/LF and then lied and tried to make me look like the idiot by saying you never said you’d be there for 6 and had a claim to go out on. If you had have been a man you wouldn’t have lied about going out for your birthday with your hockey team, your phone being on vibrate so you couldn’t hear it, working, working, working and then us finding out you are even missing work to be with someone other than your family. And how dare you fuck someone else and come back and fuck me so now I have to go and be concerned about my health. Even children know better, are less selfish and have more of a conscience, more of a heart and sense of well-being and concern for others. Only children can be as ungrateful as you are for what you had. You are the petty one in the long and short run.

I want nothing to do with you and I want you as far away from me as possible. If I never, ever see you again it will be way too soon.

So let’s try this again:

I want your stuff gone from our house. You can tell me today when would be the most convenient time for you to pick it up on Tuesday and I will do my best to accommodate that time. I will have everything in the driveway for you. Your bike and hockey equipment will be there so be prepared to make 2 trips if necessary. There isn’t that much stuff left but if you do not do this, I will be kind enough to hire a delivery service directly to your office for your convenience. You can get a storage unit. I will no longer be your storage unit for anything. I also expect you to stay to the time window you tell me. Do not come earlier and do not come later.

You’re concerned about the $30,000? Maybe if you were more concerned with our finances and your family than what you have been concerned about lately and sat down to create a budget with me like I asked you would know we have no money right now to pay for a family vacation and at the same time pay for you to have another life on the side, our daughter in private school, our other daughter with all her new dance expenses and our regular ooh oohs like needing new tires and new brakes, etc. I used the $30,000 to pay the Visa, Amex, trip, etc. It is all documented and the transfers will be shown on our account.

I was disappointed by you yet again when you managed to take all the documents I left out for you except the legal information. If you say you want the kids to be a priority then get your legal affairs in order now so we can move forward with the separation agreement. That is the one way you can start to let them know and me to know that you do want to make them a priority in your life.”

(my name)

cheating, control, family, father/daughter, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships, separation

Taking control in keeping cheating husband out of home

Husband’s response to my direction on how he can pick up his things after discovery of his affair with another woman. Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 8:46 a.m. he sends the following e-mail:

“I respect what everyone wants, but you can’t just box up my stuff when I have no place to go at the moment. I will be looking for a place immediately and when I’ve found it I will then move out my things.”

On Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 2:03 p.m. I sent the following e-mail:

“I can just pack up all your stuff and I have already done this. It is at the back door where I said it would be. All of your clothes, including what was lying in your dirty piles and in the laundry bags. I’ve packed up your shoes, coat hangers, toiletries, scotch, scotch glasses, a shot glass, brief case, your passport, ipad, back scratcher and coats. I’ve packed up the books and everything that was in and on your night stand as well as everything on top of your dresser.

If you respect what everyone wants; respect what everyone wants. Please make no plans to stay in this house and follow the direction I already gave you about making arrangements to come by. I am trying to be really clear in saying that the girls feel enormous stress over the possibility of seeing you.

You managed to spend a lot of our money over the past 3 months on things that do not benefit our family and in fact have harmed our family deeply. You can get 3 nights at the Strathcona for what you just spent at the Gap yesterday. There are 57 hotels in Victoria that offer rooms from $53/night. That is 2 nights hotel stay for less than the cost of you to take your girlfriend to dinner at the places you’ve been treating her. That is less than the cost of one Pandora charm. Take this opportunity for my approval to spend our money on a hotel that you can share with her.

You managed to get inventive when you needed a place to fuck your girlfriend. Get inventive now. Hostels are $19/bed. Sleep in your car, get a Rec Centre membership to shower, sleep in your office, on (friend’s name) boat, on (another friend’s name) couch (all these people have a relationship with you and your girlfriend and (friend’s name) has been through this game before so you have people to help you.) You can get weekly hotel room rates at 45% off the regular price. Check out the Admiral Inn. You get breakfast, weekly cleaning and mid week cleaning.

You managed to not be at our house when we all wanted you to be here. Continue to think that way and you will come up with solutions that will keep you from our home.

We had no say in the timing of this. You made that decision for our family. In the same way, you don’t get to have a say in the timing for you to find a new place. It is now. We don’t care where you go as long as it isn’t here. You don’t get to have your shopping spree in Vancouver, your drunken evenings where you planned to drunk text your girlfriend, your sporting event with your friends the next day and then the Sunday you planned on spending with your girlfriend on your return and then think you can come back here. I am sure it will be very romantic for your girlfriend to help you find a place together. You knew what was going down when you left here on Friday morning and you still made the decision to carry on with your personal plans. We have no choice but to carry on as well and we are carrying on without you.

As a reflection, when you do have the chance to speak to (15-year old daughter name), your apology Friday morning was hurtful. You told her you were sorry that she caught you, not sorry for what you did and how your actions have changed her life and her relationship with you forever. Sadly, I believe that is your genuine sentiment. As long as that is how you see things, there is nothing beneficial that will come to (daughter’s name) from you talking to her.”