adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman

Dating Again

There comes a time when you realize your marriage is over and as part of the moving on process you start to date again.

I had the opportunity to have a fling two weeks after finding out my husband had been having an affair for at least the previous 6 months. It caught me off guard.  I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t expecting. I was on vacation with my children.  A family vacation we were all supposed to go on together but the discovery of the affair ended that.  I didn’t want my ex there and either did my kids.  Even though part of our vacation (2 out of 3 weeks) was staying with his parents, he also didn’t want to go (although he said he would have gone if I hadn’t found out he was sleeping with someone else, too).

Every night in Florida my children and I would take the golf cart down to the pool around 9:00 p.m. We would swim and hot tub. For the first week of vacation, it was just me and my younger daughter. On our first night there we met a very beautiful man, inside and out. He was so kind and generous. He was very open about his life and was very interested in our lives asking both of us questions that showed a sincere eagerness to get to know us. He had a beautiful spirit. He was well-liked by the others that lived in the community as evidenced by the regulars that showed up for their evening swim. The caretakers trusted him and allowed us to stay past 11:00 p.m. every night giving him the responsibility of closing the hot tub and locking up the clubhouse and gate afterwards.

As our relationship built, my younger daughter would be watching the clock and if it was past 9:00 p.m. and I was still sitting talking to my in-laws she would come and get me to say that Aaron would probably be there by now so we should go.  If we got there first, she was constantly watching the gate for him to come in.  Every night he arrived.  I found myself anticipating him coming through the gate as well.

He invited us to do a lot of things during the days and evenings and go to places where he was also planning to attend.  He told us about beaches we should check out and places we should shop and eat.  We met him one evening on the beach where there was a drumming circle (he had learned that I took African drumming lessons so insisted we had to join him for this). There was a fire-pit, hula-hooping and other free-spirited activities as well as arts and crafts vendors.  It was a very joyous event.  He asked to borrow my camera.  I didn’t realize until afterwards that he used it to take random photos of my daughter and me enjoying our time together. It was so sweet and a gesture that meant a lot to  me since I was always the one in our family who recorded the memories and rarely did anyone, especially my husband, take a photo of me unless I asked.

My younger daughter couldn’t wait to introduce him to my older daughter and her friend when they arrived the next week.  They opened up to him right away and he helped them with their perspective on school, stress and boys really giving them some deep insights on his life philosophy that seemed to make a positive impact.

My older daughter said that he was obviously interested in me and we should go and buy condoms that night.  I assured her that I would definitely not be taking our relationship to that level.  She wanted me to be with him so much and when I questioned her about it she said that it would serve dad right and that it would help me to heal.  I promised her that revenge sex was never the answer and that random sex with someone you barely knew was not beneficial at all (although that was  my mom answer to a 15-year old because I did entertain the thought and I did buy condoms just in case).

I think it was God’s sense of humour and his assurance to me that I would be fine. Aaron would show up at the pool in a white bathing suit that didn’t leave much to the imagination. He had an amazing body. He was younger than me but I never did ask him his age. I showed up at the pool looking my worst–no makeup, over weight, wearing a mom bathing suit that was completely lacking sex appeal, and my hair would be wet and/or pulled back in a pseudo bun/ponytail thing. But Aaron made me feel desirable and wanted. It turns out that he was a nude model. He showed me photos of sketches taken on his phone that students had drawn of him as he posed.  When my girls were distracted he showed me the real thing. I saw that there was definitely “more” out there.  It was all such a funny and surreal situation coming on the heels of the devastating realization about the infidelity of my husband just a couple of weeks earlier.  We had each others phone numbers and  although he invited me to his place after taking my girls home I couldn’t be that example for my kids. Plus I was staying with my in-laws!  I considered sneaking out but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

On our last night there he brought 5 Chinese lanterns and took us into the field behind the pool where we lit them and released them making wishes. When we were saying our good-byes he reached up and touched my lip.  As inexperienced as I was with another man touching me, I assumed there was something on my lip.  He said, “No, I just think you are beautiful. I think you are an amazing person, a great mom and that you are so lucky to have the kids that you have. I am very envious of your family.” Then he kissed me.  My daughter’s friend saw this and was so excited to let me and my girls know that she saw this happen.

He has contacted me a few times since, most recently 2 weeks ago.  He always sends some nude photos but they are always tasteful, professional, amidst nature or with some artistic flare. I showed my girls just one photo of his nude bum this weekend and we all laughed hysterically.  For them I think it is just funny to imagine this young man sending these images to their mom. He asked initially for me to send him some nude photos of myself but I told him I would never do that.  He has never asked me since. He tells me that he remembers me fondly, always wants to make sure that I am doing okay and he always asks me when I am coming back to see him.

affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, family, father/daughter, infidelity, loss, marriage breakdown, parenting, relationships, separation, single parent

The ex discovers I am dating

I’ve just taken out identifying names but here is a cut and paste from the email I received from my ex on January 20, 2015:

“I am concerned about (our older daughter who lives with my ex). But I’m also concerned about (our younger daughter who lives with me). You may be enthralled that someone is paying attention to you, but don’t forget your obligations to protect your daughters. Moving in with a guy you know nothing about after a few months is ridiculous. It again goes to show the lack of good judgment exhibited by you over the last two years. Get a grip on your emotions and start being a positive example rather than an embarrassment to your children. I’m happy that you’re dating someone, but keep a proper distance and allow yourself the time to get to know him before you introduce him to our children, let alone move in with him and tie yourself financially and emotionally. That’s all (our younger daughter) needs is for you to move in with someone and then 6 mths from now you realize he’s not all what you thought he was and you’re moving again.

He has his own issues to work out, such as his own divorce, so I’d like to think you’d consider that in your thought process before even contemplating things like this. It scares me to think that you’d even entertain this, let alone talk about it with the kids when our own situation is not resolved. You have no idea what the kids think of him, which as I understand it they are not over the moon about him. That should be your priority. Not having a companion to help with your bills and someone to sleep with.”

Wow, this coming from the guy who was lying to me and his kids while having an affair with a co-worker choosing to do things still with her or for himself instead of putting our children’s needs above his own. Is he really talking to me about “obligations”, “priorities”, being “an embarrassment” to my children, my need to be a “positive example”, “protection” and “lack of good judgement”?

Firstly, I have been seeing this man for 8 months. My ex is only getting wind of him now because I have not talked about him or introduced him to my children or had him even know where I live until recently. My older daughter has only met him 2 times and that is because she chose to come into the house to specifically meet him when she saw his vehicle in the driveway when she and her dad were dropping her sister off. They exchanged hello’s and that was it.

The man I am dating is so respectful of my situation and of me being a mom first. He has never slept at my house except when I was called that my older daughter was in emergency. He was the one who drove my younger daughter back home from visiting her sister in the hospital. He came and picked her up after midnight. My ex would not do that. In fact, my ex was more concerned that he was at the hospital when he had a 7:00 a.m. hockey game. I had girlfriend coming to the hospital to pick my younger daughter up but when the man I am dating offered to get my daughter and sleep on the couch until I came home she chose that instead. My ex raised zero concern about an unrelated male driving our daughter and staying alone with her. Instead he jealously said in front of both our children that I could go and get our younger daughter’s bag from his vehicle as he didn’t want to interrupt my “love fest”. When I arrived home at 2:00 a.m. he stayed on the couch with me for 1 1/2 hours and let me talk about the situation and calm down so I could go to sleep and then he left.

I have met his parents and his 20 year old daughter. I like them all very much. Both his daughter and his parents know that he is 100% reliable and I have witnessed all the things he does for them. He is the one who picks his daughter up if she is out with friends on the weekend to ensure she gets home safely and to ensure she is actually home. I have been to his beautiful home and have seen the house that he built with his own hands. He’s invited me to visit him at work. He’s taken me out with his best friend. He rarely drinks and doesn’t do drugs or smoke. He is a coach and runs and cycles regularly. I continue to ask all of the hard questions. I have introduced him to 3 of my friends and their husbands/boyfriends who also have been brutal at times looking for deep sincere answers to their questions. He told me after our Super Bowl party that one of my friends talked to him when I wasn’t around. He said he knows what a valuable friend I am and how much I am cared for because of how they have pressed him.

However, I am not interested in anything other than dating this kind, gentle man who respects me. I have no intention of moving in with him. He was kind enough to offer us a home he recently bought near my daughter’s school, that he plans to fix up and flip, if I haven’t found a suitable living option when my house sells. My daughter knows this because she is feeling very insecure about having to move. She is afraid we will have to give up our dog and 2 cats. Knowing we have options has given her more of a feeling of security. Her dad has taken all her security away. She has no positive male role models in her life and the counselor has impressed it is really important to surround her with men who do not behave badly. Unfortunately her best friend’s dad did the exact same thing that her dad did so having a man in her life who didn’t use an affair to end his marriage and who actually wants to be with his own children and my daughter, too, is a big deal.

To address my ex’s concerns: I think our children have suffered far more damage by their dad moving out after living with them for 15 and 10 years than if I were ever to move in with someone and move out after 6 months. They were far more tied emotionally and financially to a dad who no longer provides or meets those needs and worse has crippled us in both of those areas. I think our kids have suffered far more by realizing we are being forced to move because it is their own father who is not the person we thought he was.