adultery, children, in sickness and in health, single parent, Uncategorized

10 Day Hospital Stay

20200302_084659Just before midnight on February 24, 2020, after 11 hours in the ER, I was wheeled up to my room. I had been on IV fluids since I was admitted.  IV antibiotics were started and I had a chest x-ray.

I was drinking water, cranberry juice and apple juice but nothing quenched my thirst. The nurse helped me into bed, brought me more fluids to drink and cheese and crackers to eat.  Every 2 hours they took my blood pressure, temperature and pulse.  Before 7 am they took more jars of blood so they could continue to grow cultures.  I did not get much sleep and was sitting up when the doctor came to see me at 8 a.m.

He looked at me and said, “Are you (my name?)” After I replied, “yes” he told me that he was surprised because based on the lab report he was reading I should not be able to sit up. I told him that I had some fluids and food in me so I was feeling way better than when I arrived. He told me that I was very sick and mentioned some numbers regarding my blood panel that meant nothing to me. He told me my CRP was 400, I was completely septic and they needed to figure out why. He was ordering an ultrasound, echocardiogram, CT scan with contrast, nasal swab and blood thinner injections daily in my belly.  I was considered “precautions” and everyone who came to see me had to wear full PPE.

My best friend’s husband is a physician in Ontario. He was asking questions by text about my blood work and even offered to call the doctor directly. He asked me to inquire about another blood indicator and when I told the doctor the next day about the number my friend wanted to know, the doctor responded, “He will be so freaked out by it.”  He obviously told my best friend how sick I was because she wanted to fly out  and she contacted the other 4 friends in our tight-knit group. One of those friends pleaded with me to transfer to Vancouver for care. I assured her I was in good hands.

On Day 3, I started to develop a rash over my entire body and I was having difficulty breathing. I wore a ‘penicillin allergy’ bracelet and was certain I was having an anaphylactic response to the meds especially when they told me that one antibiotic was in the penicillin family.  The hospital’s clinical pharmacist came to see me and he couldn’t understand the reaction. Firstly, the rash was blistering, on my palms and elbows especially, and it was very painful with raised bumps; not itchy and flat. He said even though one antibiotic was in the penicillin family it is commonly prescribed to people with penicillin allergies and shouldn’t cause a reaction. At this point they were confident that I had a bacterial infection, not viral, and the combination of antibiotics were having some positive effect on my blood cultures so he didn’t really want to change them. The pharmacist now had to figure out what med was causing the reaction because I was currently on two antibiotics and I had been given two different antibiotics in Emerg.  He was going to contact the Infectious Disease Specialist again for input.  He put my antibiotics on hold and I was prescribed nebulizers that they administered by mask immediately for my breathing.

Word was getting out that I was in the hospital. I received many visitors, flowers, calls, texts, food for both me and my girls, books, magazines (although I did not even turn a page until day 7 of my stay because I was too sick to even care to look at pictures) and a pile of hand-made cards from my daycare kids.  I was most grateful though for the kindness that people showed my kids. People were inviting them to dinner and offering their services and support.

My sudden illness was a huge burden on my children.  They had no other parent to take over those responsibilities. They had to take care of the house, the pets, a new roommate was moving in so there was cleaning and prepping for her arrival as well as the fact we were moving to a new rental in less than a month.  They had to bring me clothes, toiletries, my phone charger and whatever else I realized I needed each day my stay was extended longer and longer. They had to bring me the mail to open and then they had to deposit money into my account and pay bills. On top of that my youngest daughter was preparing for a dance show with a long rehearsal the day before and 2 performances the next day as well as trying to prepare for a school trip to Tanzania. She still had things she needed to buy for the trip. Most of the burden rested with my youngest daughter as the hospital was on her way to school and close to her dance studio.

I was very surprised that my kids didn’t tell my ex or his parents, who were visiting from Ontario for several weeks, that I was in the hospital. I told my younger daughter to let her dad know that I couldn’t do the things that she needed me to do and to ask him to take her places to get what she needed.  She wouldn’t do it.  I told her that her grandparents would probably love to help her out but she would not tell them and she would not ask them for help.  Although my girls talked to my birth mom by phone, she was in Florida on the other side of the continent and I have no family living here.

On Day 4 the doctor greeted me with, “How is the most interesting patient in Island Health Authority today?” We had a diagnosis: rat bite fever. I didn’t have an anaphylactic reaction.  I had pneumonia as confirmed by the CT scan and the rash was one of the symptoms of my diagnosis. The Infectious Disease Specialist came to see me and she took photos of my rash for her medical book and teaching tools.  The clinical pharmacist also paid me another visit to make sure I was doing okay on the meds. I was still coughing but I was able to have “precautions” lifted.

Days 5 – 7 my pressure was bouncing around.  It was as high as 220/105.  That concerned me but my doctor said the low blood pressure concerned him much more. I still had a fever but it was much lower. I was starting to walk a little bit. I was told I had a beautiful heart to photograph and there were no vegetations on the heart valves which was a good sign. I was still having blood taken every morning.

On Day 8, my family doctor came to visit me. My liver numbers were the latest concern and they were afraid of permanent damage.  My fever had finally normalized. The infectious Disease Specialist came to see me again and advised they were going to switch the IV antibiotics for oral antibiotics to see if I could keep them down.

They took me off all IV fluids on Day 9. I was still having nebulizers 4 times/day.  The clinical pharmacist came in to see me again to make sure I was doing okay on the oral antibiotics. They were making me nauseous so he said I could take them with some food, just not dairy. They were going to let me go on Day 11 or 12 but I asked if I could go home the next day.  I was starting to feel the stress of all that I needed to do at home and I knew my kids were needing me. I had to wait to see what the doctor said in the morning.  He reluctantly agreed,  gave me a 10 day supply of the antibiotic,  I called a friend to pick me up, they took out the IV line and I was discharged.

I quickly realized that I was definitely still sick and could do very little.  I had no energy and basically traded the hospital bed for my own bed.  It took another 2 weeks to recover.  I had my blood retested and there were 3 areas that were still way out of range.

My follow up appointment with the Infectious Disease specialist was changed to a Telehealth call on April 15.  I am not to work due to compromised health with Covid-19  risk but there is nothing more they can do for me unless my condition deteriorates.  There could be permanent damage but I was also told my inflammatory condition was so severe that it is not unexpected that I have areas still out of normal range.

I was advised to take care of my health and avoid stressful situations. Needless to say the stress just kept coming.

 

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adultery, affair, cheating, child support, children, divorce, Family Law, in sickness and in health, legal system, parenting

As I Lay Dying

I had cold symptoms for 2 weeks that started with a sore throat but mostly involved just a dry cough.  I continued to work but towards the end of the first week of symptoms, the cold seemed to move to my right side; I had a swollen eye and my ear was plugged.  Two days later my left eye also was affected.  My eyes were red but it didn’t feel or look like pink eye so  I continued to work through the second week with no improvement but no new symptoms. I was still running, swimming, socializing and found a new place to live for me and my girls for April 1.

Saturday night, February 22, I walked into our downtown and back (an hour total).  It was 10 pm when I returned and I felt a bit chilled.  It had been drizzling, I walked home quickly so just thought I was little sweaty and cooling down. I sat on the couch and put a blanket around me and then I got a bad headache, which is very rare for me. I found some Tylenol but it did nothing. Three hours later I took Ibuprofen.  I was still chilled and shaking and thought I was definitely coming down with the flu.

I continued piggy backing between Tylenol and Ibuprofen getting no relief. I had no appetite all day Sunday and mostly slept but managed to have some soup Sunday night. It did not sit well.  I called in sick for Monday. I slept 10 hours through the night and into the next morning.  Monday at noon I tried to make a smoothie.  I would get up from the couch and put one ingredient in the blender and have to sit back down because I thought I was going to pass out. I did this 3 times for each ingredient. My oldest daughter came home for lunch and blended it for me and brought it to me.  I could barely drink it. I slept and then threw it up.  I was not able to eat anything else after that and by Monday night I couldn’t even keep fluids down. I texted my boss that I was not able to come in Tuesday either.

Late Tuesday morning my boss contacted me to see how I was doing.  I had slept 11 hours, had no energy or appetite and was still nauseous. I told him I thought I should go to the hospital.  He offered to drive me. I told him that I thought I needed to call an ambulance because there was no way I could even sit up to be a passenger in his vehicle, i was still vomiting even though there was nothing in my stomach and I could not envision being able wall into the hospital and wait.

The paramedics tried to measure my pulse and oxygen level in the ambulance. They placed the oximeter on every finger and thumb of each hand and were not able to get a reading.  They took my blood pressure when I arrived at Emergency and it was 82/51. My temperature was 38,3. A nurse was assigned to stay with me and she said she would not leave my side.  They placed me in an isolation room, started IV fluids and they took blood. They moved me to another room where the doctor came and told me that I was a very sick woman.  She said that my kidneys were shutting down. She said for a young woman like me that was very concerning and that I would have to stay in the hospital for at least a couple of days until they figured out what was going on.  They started me on 2 different IV antibiotics.

I remained in Emerg for 11 hours. I texted my girls and my boss and then I had a long time to just lie and think. I thought about my life and was very grateful for the life I had been given and the life that I led.  There was no one that I felt I had wronged and needed to apologize to or that there was anything left unsaid in any of my relationships. I was concerned for my girls and what they would do without me.  We were moving April 1, would they still go; I hoped my ex would pay for their needs but I had my doubts and I wondered how they would pack everything themselves.  I suspected my friends would step in and help. I wondered if my ex and Janice would move into my place and look after my girls but I doubted that. I was disappointed that I never did get the money my ex owed me and wondered what would happen to our court case; maybe my lawyer would carry through on behalf of my estate so she could get her bill paid, too. I wondered if anyone would step in to advocate on behalf of my youngest daughter to ensure she received from her dad everything that she needed and was entitled to receive. I knew there was nothing in him that would say, “I calculate that I owe your mom $117,000. I will provide each of you with half of that money.” Nope, he would be dancing on my grave and would not give up a dime without being ordered by a judge to do so.

These were all just thoughts that didn’t matter. They floated through my mind and left. I never wanted to leave my girls or leave them in a precarious position with a parent who didn’t want to parent but I was content to die. I was at peace. There was nothing I felt I still had to do.  I tried my best to do what was right for me and my girls in the time that I was given and I did my best.  I wondered if anyone at my volunteer job, as an advocate to help others fight poverty, would know what happened to me.  I didn’t want them to think I just quit. I left all my unfinished business behind though and started to focus on the hope of seeing my parents, my grandmother, my dog who just passed in the summer and my pets before him and my very good friend who had just passed 2 months earlier as well as 3 other friends who were in my mind at that time.  As sick as I was, I was ready to let everything on this earth go.

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, ego, ex spouse, family, graduation, hypocrisy, Janice Andrews, marriage breakdown, separatiion, the other woman

What Reality do they Live–Parallel Universe?

Parallel Universe:

To say there was angst amongst our family prior to the grad is an understatement.

My grad daughter wrote a very mature group email to her dad and me simply expressing her wishes for the day and asking about the plans. Instead of responding to her direct questions my ex started to talk about me “suing” him; the “utter crap” I write in my blog; stating that I have “lied to the kids for years to gain favour”; that I have “lied for financial gain at (his) expense”; that “(his) parents are well aware of (my) actions and they have no interest in spending a second with (me)”;  that “you are disgraceful and will never sit at a table with my family again.” There is much, much more but you get the gist of his rant.

On top of this, I went to his place in person to talk to him.  He saw me and knew I was there yet he sent Janice to answer the door.  I asked to speak with Dave and she said, “No!” She shut the door and walked away. I simply left.  I have never gone to his place in 6 years to talk to him about anything.  As soon as I got home my grad daughter texted me asking if I went to Janice’s place to “confront” her.  Firstly, I didn’t know it was Janice’s place and that he moved in with her, neither did my kids. Secondly, confront her about what? Thirdly, my ex and/or Janice texted my child to involve her in something she didn’t need to know. He put our child in the middle yet again.  They told my grad daughter that I only knew he moved in with Janice because I hacked into one of his accounts. Then they texted my younger daughter accusing her of brining me to Janice’s place.  She knew nothing about it so now both my kids are terrified I am dying or something as they would never think I would go there unless it was a matter of life or death. Not only that, Janice Andrews called the police to report an “incident”. They wanted the police to call me to say that I wasn’t welcome at their place.

My kids were losing sleep, crying and extremely stressed over this entire grad fiasco. And yet when it was all over what does my ex write to both my children?  This:

Below was a post I read from a woman I’m a friend with on FB. Couldn’t have been said any better. 

When Mike and I divorced things weren’t pretty, feelings were hurt, on both sides…one thing I knew was in-spite of how we ever treated each other, or how ugly things got between us…I took a vow on the day I got married…”in good times and bad”. The bad had happened we divorced our family unit split up…why should that vow cease to matter in divorce? Ego should never be bigger than the love for our children and what is best for them…we don’t have the right to make them uncomfortable, or choose, or see their other parent painted in a bad light fueled by our hate.  I had an amazing day spent with my ex husband sharing “our” daughters graduation.  Family came together… My ex Father in Law and Mike’s ex Mother in law and we sat after all of us and enjoyed a meal together and family photos…creating more memories for our daughter to take along with her for a lifetime. It was her day..she earned it, worked for it…and that’s why we were there to celebrate her and that our efforts combined as her mother and father helped get her there and not create unnecessary obstacles and emotional long term damage along that journey of her life.  I am fortunate to have married a man that in divorce has been able to also put ego aside and love his daughter first and foremost and be a supportive ex husband and friend. Just because. Marriage ends a family does not…relationships don’t end, they change. Their dynamic changes…and we have to ask ourselves what you want that dynamic to look like and is my ego really more important than my child’s overall well being for a lifetime to come…do I want a life time hating and fighting and never winning battle. No body wins…not him, not me, not the children when you spread hate. Just because an ex may have been a bad wife, or bad husband doesn’t mean they are a bad parent…focus on rebuilding even better and not what was lost.  Thanks Mike for being an amazing dad and friend!”

Janice Andrews responded: “Beautiful” with a heart beside it.

My kids did not respond.

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adultery, children, family, graduation, Janice Andrews, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting after separation, separatiion

What Reality do they Live–the Preface?

The Preface:

My daughter graduated from university. My ex specifically tried to make it as strained and negative as he could for me failing to see how strained and negative he also made it for my children.

As previously shared, he planned a celebration; a celebration for him. There was no consideration of anyone else’s needs or wants; just his own. He insisted on being on the 9 am ferry to Vancouver the day before the grad. He refused to wait for my younger daughter to finish her first class at school, Math, her lowest mark.  She could be picked up at 10 from school as soon as her class was finished but he told her she had to go with me because he wasn’t going to wait for the 11 ferry. He also told her I had to drop her off at his hotel for 4 p.m.  She gave me a heads up about this a couple of days in advance and I made it very clear that I was not going to do that so she better make alternative plans with her dad. I was not allowing my ex to continue to think he could dictate to me what I was to do on his schedule without even asking me directly.  I also made it clear I was no longer going to cover up for his behavior. The gig was up.  At 21 and 17 years old, my girls are old enough to deal with the reality of their father.  I was no longer serving any of us by trying to protect my girls from hurt feelings.

My ex would not even tell her where his hotel was so I could see if it even made sense for me to accommodate him.  He only told her when we were in line for the ferry because he didn’t want me to stay at the same hotel.  I explained that it was opposite to where I was going.  I had dinner plans of my own with my 2 nieces and brother-in-law. Since my ex refused to allow me to be part of the my daughter’s graduation dinner I was certainly entitled to make alternate plans.

For 5 hours my daughter agonized and cried and was angry that he had no intention of picking her up from anywhere so she could meet them. She was angry at me that I wouldn’t drive her and she would not allow me to take her to the Skytrain to figure out how she could travel to get to her dad’s party. He finally told her at 3 p.m. that he would pay for a taxi for her to get to the patio where everyone was enjoying drinks. I took her to my hotel and arranged a cab.

The next day I arrived at my daughter’s campus at 7:30 a.m. for her 8:30 grad. My car died just when I arrived and had to be pushed into a disabled parking spot until after the ceremony. My grad daughter saw me and came over to say “hi” and to take a photo.  She placed her wallet and tea on top of my car and then texted her friend to see what she should do with her phone during the ceremony.  She ended up giving it to me and ran off to line up for her procession.  My other daughter was texting me that she and her dad were in line and needed to know the ticket numbers so they didn’t use my ticket. I quickly threw my stuff in my car and went to meet them in line.  I shared about my car trouble and my ex said, “It sucks to be you.”

I was surprised that my ex followed me so we could sit together.  I asked him and my daughter which door we should enter and they didn’t care so I went to the one with the least traffic.  We were directed to go to the end of the row so we were seated in the middle of a long row of people. The procession of faculty and honorees started and then the grads came in. We waved to my graduating daughter. She then signed to my younger daughter that she left her wallet on my car. My younger daughter failed to get the rest of the message. My grad daughter said it was no longer on my roof.  My ex however insisted that I needed to get up immediately to go find it. I actually considered this but there was no way I could get out without major disruption and the ceremony was starting.  He was livid I wasn’t going to go.  I told him that he could go and I told him my car was right out front.  He was so angry with this suggestion that my younger daughter was telling us both to be quiet to not discuss this further.  My ex then called me “a giant turd”.

When the ceremony was over my ex left to find his parents and his girlfriend,  the OW Janice Andrews. My younger daughter and I found my grad daughter in the rose garden and took pictures of her with her friends. When her grandparents appeared they were very cold towards me.  I was the one that said “hi” to them first.  I took pictures of them with my daughters using their camera. When my ex came he gave my daughter a card to call ‘Lost and Found’ about her wallet. It wasn’t there.  She burst into tears.  She was leaving the next day on a trip and had no ID, credit or debit cards now. I consoled her and said someone has it and it might just not have been turned in yet, not to give up hope and then I left to see if could do anything.  The security guard that had helped me with my car saw the wallet and held on to it thinking it was mine.  I brought it back to my daughter and we continued to take photos. While my grad daughter and I were having our photo taken I asked her if she would like a photo of her parents together with her and she said that would be nice.  Her dad joined the photo and then so did her sister.  I invited my ex’s parents to come in to the photo as well so she had a photo of her parents and grandparents but her grandmother instead said, “I would like a picture with Janice.” I left the photo and used my grad daughter’s phone to take those photos as well.

Afterwards, my younger daughter and I stayed on campus to await the tow truck and my grad daughter and her friend went back to her place by bus to pack for their trip.  I was going to hopefully pick them up and take them to the ferry pending my car operating.  My grad daughter texted me while we were waiting thanking me for being so nice to everyone.  I told her that I always am nice to them but she is just never there to see it.  When my ex, Janice and his parents come to my younger daughter’s dance or come to my house to pick her up I have never done anything or said anything. I have always been kind and courteous, took photos of everyone and even would take my mother-in-law to see my daughter back stage before her show.

Parallel Universe–see next post……

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adultery, cheating, children, court, divorce, Family Law, judgement, litigation, separatiion, spousal support, Supreme Court of Canada

Justice

I had two court dates scheduled in November and December 2018 to pursue money owed to me by my ex.  Both dates were adjourned and we are now scheduled to proceed on Monday, January 28, 2019.

It is interesting to me that the word of the year for 2018, as chosen by Merriam Webster dictionary was in fact “Justice.” Apparently the search for this word increased by 74%.

In keeping with the theme, I just returned home from watching the movie Serenity starring Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway. Matthew’s character just happened to be trying to catch a monster tuna fish that he named “Justice”.

Here’s hoping I finally catch this fish!justice image

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, hypocrisy, in-laws, Janice Andrews, parenting after separation, relationships, single parent, the other woman

“You will always be our daughter-in-law”

Oh, the sentimental cliché that was uttered to me by my mother-in-law in the weeks following her realization that her son had in fact been cheating on me with another woman and had walked away from me and our children to pursue a relationship with Janice Andrews.

Fast forward 5 1/2 years and in that time there has been one phone call by my mother-in-law with my father-in-law on the other end and they brought me a birthday gift when they were in town 4 months later to see my daughter dance.  Then…crickets. I reached out once by email to my in-laws, including my brother-in-law, about my ex’s disturbing behavior and my concern but no response. They have been to visit their son at least once/year and never once have they called or wanted to see me. I have seen them in passing at my daughter’s dance recitals during their visit but that was it.  My father-in-law, in particular, especially during his visit this year, was extremely cold.

Two things got me thinking about this phrase. Firstly, I had coffee this morning with a friend of mine in her late 70’s and her husband in his 80’s. I have know their son and daughter-in-law for over 20 years.  Their daughter-in-law had an affair on their son over a year ago and destroyed their marriage. There is no chance of reconciliation. Yet, even though their son was betrayed (and the details and consequences for him as a result of the affair were severe–he lead a church and lost his job) have indicated she will always be their daughter-in-law and they have proven it by continuing to have a close and personal relationship with her. My friend told me, “I forgive her.”

We talked about another couple that we both know, who are my age with 2 girls the same age as my girls. They are part of our little circle of church connections who migrated to Vancouver Island at the same time and who have also recently split.  She told me that my girlfriend told her mother-in-law (we are also friends with her mother and father-in-law) she was so afraid she would lose her in the split.  Her mother-in-law replied, “You will always be my daughter-in-law” and they continue to hike and kayak together even though her mother-in-law has fallen into a deep depression over the split and also as a result of her husband’s recent Parkinson’s Disease diagnosis.

My friend asked me this morning if I had a relationship with my in-laws.  They had met them at our house during one of their visits.  I told her that I did not.  She was sorry.  I didn’t cheat on their son so why did they betray me too? Why is that my friend is still able to embrace the daughter-in-law who has hurt her son and grandchildren and the rest of their family so cruelly and my in-laws don’t care about the mother who is trying so hard to raise their grandchildren despite everything their son has done to tear apart their lives.

Secondly, my ex sent me a bizarre email. This was a comment that he wrote at the end of a long rant about something completely unrelated:

Do you think (my mom’s name) would act or request the things you do? She was selfless and always acted with kindness and regard for others. She always made a point of being inclusive when others were trying to exclude, such as (my brother-in-law’s name). You should try acting and honouring your mother rather than being the antithesis of everything she was and stood for.”

I have no idea why my ex suddenly brought my mom into his email and I was trying to understand why he was feeling excluded.  He is correct that even after my sister and her husband separated my mom invited my brother-in-law to every birthday and special occasion dinner.  It caused tension sometimes, especially for my sister, but we all see now how beneficial it was to everyone in the family in the long run and how amazing my mom was to put her relationship with my sister on the line to do what she felt was right and loving for her grandchildren especially but for the family as a whole because we are all still family. My mom practiced love and would have without a doubt, if she was here, done the same for my ex.  I don’t think, however, he would have had the courage to step into her circle of love. A lot of my family did reach out to my ex after our split but he didn’t answer or return any of their calls.  My girls have asked him to do things with me and them together but he has always refused. I told my ex, I would do things with him and our girls and put everything aside for those moments they needed for their well-being but he would not even try. He excluded himself. If he loved my mom so much as he claims that he did, why isn’t he honouring her by acting the way he says she acted.  He loves to tell me what I “should” do and hold me to some standard while ignoring it himself. It is he who is the “antithesis”.

When I told my ex that I had no understanding of his comments about my mom and his feelings of being excluded in context to his email subject he responded:

“You’re exactly right you don’t understand. My point was that your mother didn’t take sides. She didn’t get caught up in the politics. She didn’t hold grudges. She didn’t try to paint people in a negative light. She looked for ways to try and draw people together despite difficult and challenging life situations. (My brother-in-law’s name) was a perfect example. He didn’t pay a dime of child or spousal support. Your sister didn’t want him around for family functions but your mother would always invite him. Make sure it was about the children and there being able to spend time with their Dad. Despite the fact that she may not have agreed or been happy with (my brother in-law’s name), she never spoke negatively in front of the kids and was trying to make the best of the situation. Completely opposite of what you have chosen to do.”

He praises my mom’s behavior but it is the complete opposite of what he and his family have done.  I have no intention of ever doing anything with Janice Andrews but I have offered on many occasions to do the “family” thing for my girls. Maybe my ex should be sending his praise of my mom’s nature to his parents.  After all, it was his mom that told my daughter this summer, “Your mom will always be our daughter-in-law but your dad is our son.”  In reality her words are backed up by “Your mom will always be our daughter-in-law but we choose to wish the mistress Happy Birthday on Facebook instead.”

 

 

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adultery, anger, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, selfishness

I know, don’t engage. I engaged.

My ex continued our email chain about bailing on our younger daughter to go to a company BBQ:

“The hypocrisy of your comments is really mind boggling at times. Don’t you have better things to do with your time such as writing blogs about me?

I had a Bbq that my company was hosting for 80 people, 2hrs away, that I was involved in the set up. So yes time was of the essence and I couldn’t show up later because (our daughter’s name) got the wrong time and didn’t bother to correct it until 11:45am when I was on my way to pick her up. (Daughter) told me (dance teacher’s name) could drop her off. I asked her to confirm, she said she did, so the fact that she didn’t do it and then had to take the bus is not my fault, otherwise I would have made sure she got home.

What’s interesting is despite your Superwoman statements, she didn’t call you when she needed a ride? Probably because she knew that once again she would get an earful from you, like everyone else does.

She’s 16 and can take the bus if needed. You haven’t dropped your yoga plans and made her take the bus so why is so much different for me other than you have this irrational thought process with everything that has anything to do with me?

Your emails are such a waste of time. Turn your attention to other things that has a more meaningful upside than constantly trying to pick fights with people.”

I know he will hate my response.  He will likely complain more that it is lengthy than the content but I responded.  I will give him credit that he picked her up from dance tonight at 6:45 p.m. and took her to dinner. I only thought of that after I responded but this was what I said:

“You had no intention of ensuring she got home. You wanted to be on the road by 1:30. She needed a ride home at 1:30 and she needed to eat before she started her third job of the day. Don’t change your story now. Why you made plans to see her for less than an hour when “time is of the essence” for you to be 2 hours away is mind blowing. You should have told her your big plans for the day that was designated as your weekend with her that didn’t include her at all. If there were 80 people at your company BBQ I am sure someone else could have helped set up. I am sure this was planned months in advance and that you could have checked your calendar and said, “Hey, I might be late. That is the weekend I spend with my daughter.” The fact that you were more concerned about being accountable to set up for a BBQ versus being accountable to your daughter speaks volumes. You care more that your coworkers find you to be reliable and helpful than you care what your daughter thinks about your reliability and helpfulness? You could have made plans to see her the weekend before. You never, ever change your social schedule for her. You don’t care what weekend it is. You went to Vancouver the last weekend you were supposed to see her and played in a golf tournament too so you didn’t see her at all over the 3 days of “your” weekend, that you chose to be your weekend. You never once have said, “Hey, I can’t make it this weekend, how about next weekend.” You just carry on like the next weekend is totally off limits because it isn’t “your” weekend when you know darn well you can see your daughter any time you can mange to make yourself available. You just never choose her over whatever else you do or don’t have going on. Maybe you should start considering those weekends as “her” weekends and try to make it special for her instead of for you.

In your mind, it really is all (our daughter’s) fault for the late notice. How silly of her to think that her dad would be available just an hour later to spend time with her. How many times after all have you told her you were going to have lunch with her and then changed the plans to be at 4:00 p.m. instead?

She did call me for a ride. She left a voice mail message and a text message. I felt terrible because, as I told you already, I was in a housing meeting with Adam Olsen and other municipal counsellors and mayors so I didn’t have my phone on. Any other time I am there to pick her up. Yes she can take the bus but she had no money with her and no bus ticket. If I am not able to drive her I pay for bus tickets for her and give her advance notice. I have NEVER not picked her up or changed my plans with her after I made arrangements with her to do that even if there is a mistake or delay with the time frame she gives me. I certainly have NEVER left her stranded.

Why would I give her an earful because she needed a ride? It certainly wasn’t because she was being inconsiderate and not planning in advance. She understands now that she always needs to have money with her and bus tickets just in case. I thanked (dance teacher) for lending her the $2.50 and I paid her back personally. I felt badly for her and I was sad that I wasn’t available to get her call or know that she needed a ride. I would have left my meeting to get her or called Tracey or Brent to see if they were around to get her.

Why is it so much different for you, you ask? I happen to live with our child. I see her every single day. I see her every single morning before she goes to school. Pretty much every day I either drive her to the bus stop or to (best friend’s) house. I see her every night before she goes to bed. We eat together, watch TV together, walk the dog together, play with the pets together, shop and cook together. I know her friends, her friend’s parents, her dance teachers and I know what is going on at school. I know the courses she is taking, I help her with homework if needed and make sure she has the supplies she needs at home to do her courses. You haven’t even gone to any of her school performances since she has been in high school. I take her to medical appointments, physio, dental appointments. We spend special holidays together. I go to all of her dance competitions, festivals and pretty much anything where she performs. I know her dreams and what she wants to do for a career and post-secondary schooling. I have a relationship with her. I interact and engage with her more than an hour a week. If I only put aside an hour/week to spend with my child I would make it the best hour of my life and hope more that it was her best hour of the week. How much more so when you only put aside an hour every 2 weeks?

I have no interest in fighting with you. I am fighting for our child. I think she should have a relationship with her father and I am trying to shake you awake to give her what any child needs. I am just sad for you that you don’t care to have a relationship with her. She is getting busier and busier in life and you are letting your chance to know our daughter slip through your fingers.

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