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Learning the hard way

Tearing at the Fabric

I don’t really seek any new blogs about infidelity anymore. I haven’t in a very long while, probably years. I have a very small core of people I follow, and interact with now that my infidelity journey pretty much came to an end – with more infidelity, bahahaha! Who knew?

Capture

However, this post came to my attention yesterday. By a young woman who had learned the hard way about cheaters who lie (ummm, isn’t that kind of a given?) Or is that liars who cheat? It is a mutually constituting and sustaining cycle. The lines she was fed – and she obviously swallowed, hook, line and sinker – by an older married man, who told her he was in an open relationship. That his wife didn’t like sex. That he wanted to be with her. Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah.

You know the drill. Liars gonna lie. I admire this woman for…

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adultery, affair, Hawaii, Uncategorized

What Happens in the Pause

I just needed to take a break.

I needed to ignore my overwhelming ‘To Do’ list.

I needed to say “No” to doing anything.

I needed to try to halt my thoughts and clear my mind.  Essentially to not focus, concentrate, reflect or ruminate on anything. To try to stop worrying. I didn’t write about anything.  I tried to let everything flow in and out of my mind without judgment or consideration. I stepped back and I stepped aside.

I needed a hiatus from my friends, my routine and the day to day requirements of my pets and kids.

I needed a different scenario.  An escape.

I just needed to do something that I wanted to do for me for no other purpose than enjoyment. Required respite.

My forced cessation of everything ended with a 3 week vacation.  The first week was spent camping with my youngest daughter and her friend.  I did have a couple of friends at the campsite and a friend who came up to visit for one day.  After a week I returned home to spend a day touring friends from Ontario around Victoria and then the next day I flew to Hawaii for 2 weeks to celebrate my 50th birthday.  I took my kids and I am glad that we were able to share in so many amazing experiences together.  I still think that a week away in the future completely by myself or with one close friend is necessary. The urge to be able to be alone, to eat, sleep, do the things that I want to do when I want to do them without interruption or distraction is such a desire and need in my life right now.  More refreshment should revitalize me further.

On the last day that I spent in Hawaii, I played in the waves all by myself on Hapuna Beach. It is apparently voted the 3rd best family beach in the world. It was a sunny day; no clouds in the sky and the water was so warm with a white sandy bottom. The waves would pull me back and then push me in. It was easy to just float and be lulled by the movement. The beach was long and I started from the middle and went all the way to the left to the Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel and then back to the other side where the rock formations make caves and lava tubes. I made this journey twice. I swam, floated, walked and jumped.  Sometimes it didn’t seem like I was making any progress at all and I just stayed in one spot. Other times, the tide would pull me and I would panic a little if I got too far away from shore. Eventually I made it to where I planned to go.

Hapuna Beach

I returned home with clearer thinking and renewed energy to work toward finishing all the tasks that I need to do to end my marriage and settle our legal matters.

Some things that I noticed during my pause:

  •  I don’t have tolerance for garbage in my life. I am letting people and things go without regret.
  • I say what is on my mind and I am clear with my expectations.
  • I am eager and excited for change, adventurers, new people in my life and new possibilities anywhere they might take me.
  • I am braver and fear little.
  • The scar on my right arm from 3 surgeries for Melanoma, that the specialist I saw in June was concerned continued to be raised and wasn’t flattening despite all the massaging with oils, now lies completely flat and is pain free.
  • A slit in my right thumb nail that has plagued me for the last 10  years with continual breakage down into my nail bed is miraculously healed.  I can’t stop looking at it and rubbing it.  I feel like I am healing all over at the cellular level.
  • I realized that my ex has built his entire world around his work.   He gets all his needs met at the workplace.  All his benefits and money come from his employment. He is fed there, drinks there, gets sex there, the other woman works there, and his 2 best male friends who extend his social life beyond the walls of the office work there.  He has created his work to be his God.

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman, Uncategorized

Lemonade

I love that Beyoncé’s HBO special and new album, Lemonade, are getting a lot of hype.  No one is immune to cheating regardless of how loving, talented, beautiful, intelligent, successful or any other enviable trait.

The lyrics in this album are so powerful:  “Are you cheating on me? You can taste the dishonesty. It’s all over your breath.”

What is also universal–no one has any love or respect for the other woman. Whether it is Rachel Roy or Rita Ora or both, their taunting of Beyoncé and dismissive, trite comments like, “Good hair, don’t care” sure do not win them any love.  Rachel Roy is only now denying an affair with Jay Z because she has apparently received death threats on her and her children’s lives. Her Wikipedia account was hacked saying she died on April 23, 2016 under the lemonade stand.

The emotional ride on this album is one that anyone who has been cheated on can relate.

Regardless of how good Becky’s hair is, she has way too many other issues of lack that she tried to fill up by being the other woman. I’d take a bad hair day over being the other woman every time.

 

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, children, court, divorce, Family Law, infidelity, legal obligations, marriage, pets, the other woman, Uncategorized

It is about Fair Compensation, Not Winning

I guess last week’s court ruling didn’t phase Dave.  The court orders were sent to his lawyer and Dave still has not provided me with the support arrears payment or my court costs.

Instead, Dave sent me an email telling me that we have “a fundamental difference of opinion”.  He plans to continue to fight me in court with respect to refusing to pay any pet expenses.  He believes that his support payments should cover those expenses and even though he agreed in mediation to pay 50% of the pet expenses he wants a court to rule.

He believes that the same holds true for our daughter’s dance expenses.  He wrote that he agrees to pay for 70% of her “dance lessons” (even though our mediation agreement says “dance expenses”). But Dave doesn’t want to pay any portion of her dance shoes (she can’t participate unless she wears proper footwear in each class–ballet shoes, pointe shoes, tap shoes, hip hop shoes, jazz shoes, and foot undies for Lyrical).  Plus our daughter is enrolled in competitive dance classes. Dave doesn’t want to pay any portion of the competition or festival fees, or any travel expenses to get her to the competitions. And yet, when we signed her up he knew all of these expenses are part of our daughter taking dance.  This is her 7th year dancing at this studio so it isn’t a sudden surprise we have to pay for these things.

Why does a parent pay for all of these things when they are part of a family without any issue yet when they decide to fool around and leave the family they feel their kids should do without? Did they every love their child? I don’t believe Dave ever did love our children more than he loves himself.

It isn’t a financial issue.  I saw his bank account balance in his court documentation.  He can certainly afford to pay.  His dividend cheque alone that he deposited for one month is more than my entire year income by 1 1/2 times and he will have another one in a couple of months. I have managed to pay these expenses without going into debt but it has meant me and my children had to do without in other areas. It has been a 3 year struggle. I try to spend wisely and cautiously and I abhor the wasteful cost of having to fight for our rights. I can’t afford the alternative either.  The Divorcemate calculations are tested and considered fair and equal to both parents based on their earnings.  Dave doesn’t want to do without for himself and I wonder how much influence the Other Woman is applying.

He wrote to me today saying that “the court speaks clearly” on these items and “it’s not that complicated.” I believe this to be true, in our child’s favour and our pets’ favour, not his.  My lawyer doesn’t go to court to lose and she is very mindful of my financial situation. We have accepted chiselled down reimbursement by Dave every time in the interest of avoiding court and its costs but I cannot be taken advantage of by him any further and this is the only way to put an end to it.

Then Dave added:  “The reality is that there is no negotiation with you. You want to win. So you end up submitting ridiculous expenses like $5.49 for this or that. Or even the fact that you mention the expenses are now being divided 71-29 rather than the current 70-30 and I will owe extra. It’s so ridiculous and counterproductive. That’s why nothing ever gets done with you. You take silly positions and then spend thousands on your lawyer for what? Just so you can say you won? But in the end you’re paying thousands out that could be used for many other things.”

This is the exact thing I would say back to him. I have no idea what he thinks there is to win.  I just want fair compensation.

He sums up his email as follows:  “So while I appreciate the “offer to negotiate” with you, the past has spoken very clearly that isn’t something you really want to do unless you get everything you demand. You’ve proven to be unreasonable and submitting unending expenses regardless of the value. I’m tired of this constant badgering and so I’m left with no choice but to let the courts decide what is or isn’t reasonable.”

I find it so interesting that he is trying to make me look like the bad person just for submitting expenses to him that he agreed to pay because he considers the amount to be too minor.  That shows that money is not a concern to him and that it is a day-to-day worry for me.  There will be an end to the expenses at some point in time but currently we share pets together and our daughter participates in dance so there will be ongoing expenses. David should have expected that when he agreed to adopt 3 pets into our family and when he decided to have children. I appreciate that he has decided to leave the family and it would be much more convenient if he could just continue to run away from his responsibilities associated with his family, too.

Dave feels badgered simply because there are consequences to his actions that he prefers to ignore.  He is now being held accountability for his failure to honour agreements, take care of his responsibilities, follow court rules, pay bills and for making stupid decisions in his life.  Dave’s decision to just let the courts decide saves him from having to own his life decisions and accept the consequences now. He will avoid, delay and refuse for as long as that works for him. When he loses he will just blame the courts, his lawyer and he will continue to blame me.

 

 

 

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abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, bullying, court, divorce, infidelity, legal proceedings, litigation, Uncategorized

The Court Sends A Strong Message

Dave chose not to attend court today.  His lawyer was present.

On November 23, 2015 my lawyer contacted Dave’s lawyer to advise that I gave her instructions to pursue Dave in court for the outstanding expenses he continued to refuse to pay as per our mediation agreement.   These included pet expenses, dance expenses, alterations to my daughter’s grad dress, and orthodontic expenses. His share totalled $1212.11.

We were also asking Dave to increase my spousal and child support from July 1, 2015 to January, 31, 2016 as per our agreement based on our 2014 income information.

We were asking Dave to pay our older daughter’s school account that he still hasn’t paid for the September 2014 – June 2015 school year and where my name is still included as being responsible for this account.  This amount is over $1200. Our daughter was living with him at the time these expenses were incurred.

We were asking for Dave to provide me with interest on the RRSP amount he was to roll over to me on November 6, 2014 that I have yet to receive.

We asked him to provide details of the life insurance that he was to get in November 2014.

We asked for information from his bank outlining all bank accounts he had at the time of our separation because there were unexplained transactions leading us to believe he carried an undisclosed bank account.

We asked for details of RESP accounts for both our daughters that he had control of and failed to disclose at mediation and has failed to provide details about.

My lawyer filed our documents on December 4.  Dave has to meet the court rules and provide a response within 5 days.  When my lawyer hadn’t received anything by December 9 she contacted his lawyer.  He had a lot of excuses for the delay and urged my solicitor to push our December 17 court date to January 20, 2016.  She did.  She asked that Dave’s response be at her office by January 11 so she had time to review it.  When it wasn’t received by this time she contacted Dave’s lawyer again.  She told him that she was in court on Thursday and Friday and then after court on Friday she had to fly to Vancouver for a family death.  She needed the documents by Wednesday in order to have time to review them.  Dave’s lawyer served her on Friday at 3:50 p.m. when he knew she wasn’t available to receive them.  She did not receive Dave’s affidavit until Monday morning, 2 days before our scheduled court date.

I did manage to drop everything to respond to Dave’s 21 points in case Dave’s affidavit was admitted into court despite him failing to meet the filing deadline.  My lawyer filed our response to Dave’s affidavit the night before our court appearance.  The judge therefore had none of this information.

The judge ruled Dave’s affidavit was inadmissible.  Dave’s lawyer had to try to explain why Dave ignored court rules but instead tried to just make excuses why the judge should hear his evidence.  The judge again asked why he should admit Dave’s affidavit when Dave was “thumbing his nose at the rules”, “inconveniencing the courts”, “not abiding by the rules that are in place to avoid hearings by ambush”.   Dave’s lawyer finally conceded there was no excuse.

Dave’s lawyer’s big mistake was still trying to get his client’s affidavit admitted by using the words “in the name of Justice.” The judge said,  (and I might be paraphrasing a little but I wrote down as many of his comments as I could):  In the name of justice we should be able to move forward today because your client responded to the action brought against him in accordance to the rules.  Instead, he has played every game he can play.  He has not done his job. He makes north of $100,000 more than the claimant.  He controls everything. He has applied the pressure to the claimant, hammered her against the wall and twiddled his thumbs for a year plus.  He has forced her to make an application to the court. Why doesn’t he give his paycheck over to the claimant and let her decide how much he should have?  I bet the claimant would love to have his difficulties. What in the world do we have to control people like him if we don’t have court rules.  He just waits in the weeds.  We need to send a message to people like him that we are not kidding.

The judge then ruled that he found it fit to not receive his evidence because Dave’s actions are to be frowned upon. Otherwise, it is just a license for people to show up last minute and cry “in the interest of justice.” The lower income party has been on the short end of the stick.  The higher income party was well equipped to be able to do what mattered and he chose not to. He used the court as a way to apply pressure to squeeze the side with the least means. There will be financial consequences to Mr. Cherrie for essentially his “bare faced ignoring of court rules.”

As such, I won all the orders we were seeking.  Dave was ordered to pay me spousal support and child support arrears in the amount that was agreed upon prior to the court hearing.  In fact 7/10 of the items we were seeking were agreed upon by Dave’s lawyer prior to us being heard which made the judge indicate that if Dave had have filed on time court may have been avoided all together.  Dave was ordered to pay me TODAY support arrears in the amount of $5663, to start paying me an increase in spousal and child support as of February 1, 2015 plus an additional $1300 in punitive damages to pay my court fees and legal fees.  The judge also said that if we have to come back to court on any of these issues that Dave will be ordered to pay my costs again.

In essence, Dave just spent $2600 (both of our court costs) to fight me on $1200 worth of expenses. While he was scrambling to get his documents in just before our proceedings he agreed to pay the support arrears (although he tried to haggle off $28/month from the calculation) and tried to send over some documentation that we requested in our order but still didn’t satisfy what we required.  What a waste of time, energy and money. We ran out of time so the expense issue had to be adjourned. Therefore, Dave will still have to go back to court with me to fight those expenses and we are still asking for costs because they are agreed upon expenses.  We will be back in court unless Dave pays me in full. I have no more patience for this man and the court agrees.

 

 

 

 

 

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Happy New Year 2016 from Key West, Florida

I told my friend that the best thing for me about 2015 is that it is over.  He sarcastically commented about my “uplifting” sentiment but I wasn’t finished reflecting.

pitbull-NYE-2015-billboard-650 The best thing for me about losing all of my security or false sense of security is that I feel like I have nothing else left to lose.  Initially, I thought that meant that I would not be able to do any of the things that I really wanted to do in my life. Surprisingly, the complete opposite is becoming my reality. I am not living in deprivation.  I know what I really want and those things important to me are coming to fruition in my life.

I love to travel.  I love the new experiences, adventures, exploring, food, people, surroundings, culture, history, etc.  This Christmas, the only thing that I wanted to do was to go away.  Nothing about Christmas really appeals to me anymore and least of all the material aspect of buying and contributing to the accumulation of things. I looked into many options but nothing was affordable or really worked to the schedule of me and my children. But, the universe conspires to make my dreams come true despite my circumstances.

Out of the blue, an incredibly generous gift that I actually turned down 3 times before I finally accepted, allowed me to take both my daughters to Miami and Key West over the Christmas holiday. Just by saying “yes” and accepting that gift, more gifts followed.  I learned that Pitbull was hosting his second New Year’s Revolution Party with a free concert to be televised by Fox T.V with a star-studded line up of artists both my kids love. Then the day before the New Year’s Eve concert we watched two other artists my kids really wanted to see for another free concert on the beach–Macklemore with Ryan Lewis and Imagine Dragons.  There was a fireworks display afterwards.  And during our time here I won a trip to Cancun for 4 nights and 5 days.  All of these things were truly free gifts to me.

Experiences continued. My kids really wanted to go and see The Dash store owned by the Kardashians.  While we were there we went to dinner in the area which is in trendy South Beach.  When we came out of the restaurant, Jalapeno, after an amazing meal in a phenomenal atmosphere with the most attentive waiter, my younger daughter spotted a man riding a bicycle with a lemur in the basket of his bicycle.  We called him over and he generously allowed my kids to pet and hold the lemur.  He then took it a considerable distance away from them and had them stand still and the monkey jumped all the way from him onto their shoulders.  A crowd was gathering around as he allowed both my children turns with the monkey.  It is something they will always remember.

During our trip I found people to be so kind and friendly.  One young guy was sharing with me about his tour in Afghanistan as a marine. He showed me photos of his friends in uniform and then their blown up tank and how he lost both of those friends when their vehicle was targeted and he was lucky to be alive. He had a brain injury and was now working in the travel industry. He asked me where I was staying and when he found out that I hadn’t booked a room yet for our final day in Miami after our drive back from Key West he told me that he would book me a room with 2 king beds at the Marriott Hotel by the airport for free.  He called my cell phone so I had his contact number but I really didn’t think I would hear from him.  He contacted me again to ensure that he had the right airport and day that we needed the room. Then he contacted me to apologize that it was so busy at the Marriott that night that he was only able to get me a room with 2 queen beds. He sent me the confirmation email.

So while I was standing watching the Pitbull concert on New Year’s Eve with my children, dancing, singing, seeing the stage and the performers clearly when there were apparently 100,000 people there, seeing how excited my children were for the various acts, having 2 firework displays going off at midnight in the sky above me and then again 15 minutes later I suddenly felt so alive and awake. Colours seemed more vibrant.  I thanked God for his generosity and for knowing how to give me and my children the best gifts imaginable. I couldn’t have dreamed up a better vacation. I felt so grateful.

A couple of minutes before the end of the concert while Pitbull was  thanking everyone, rain, which seemed to come out of no where because it had been a clear, sunny, hot day, poured down on us.  I knew I was being renewed and the rain was the perfect symbol for that. I felt elated.

Today, my children and I spent our last full day together leaving the house at 10:45 a.m. not returning until 10:00 p.m. My kids were happy and grateful for everything we did, no complaints about all the walking, and even thrilled to take a ride back to the hotel in a pink taxi cab.  We lied together on my bed and looked at pictures, talked and laughed for another 1 1/2 hours. My older daughter commented that she thinks this is the best vacation we have ever taken.

Although I have never been happier to put a year behind me, I have never felt so excited and optimistic for the new year before me.  Happy New Year everyone!  Wishing you all amazing gifts and happy surprises for 2016!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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adultery, Uncategorized

Souper Bowl

I heard about an event on the radio that I felt absolutely compelled to attend. The fundraiser was for “YES”, Victoria Youth Empowerment Society.  For $30 you pick out a bowl of your choice made by local artists and then you use that bowl to try soup created by Master Chefs. The money raised provides emergency shelter, life skills, health care, mental health, detox services, counseling and assists youth to transition from high risk environments like the street to healthier and more constructive life situations. I invited 5 people to come with me.  No one was able to go so I went by myself.

It was held at Inn at Laurel Point.  I had never been there before.  After paying my admission, I was sent into the bowl room.   There were at least 4 tables filled with beautiful hand-crafted pieces, all different shapes, sizes, styles, designs and colours.  I picked up the first one that caught my attention and held on to that one until I found a second that spoke to me more.  Then I found my bowl on the second table.  I didn’t have to look further because I knew this was the one for me.  I was then given a bag to put my bowl in because this year they were serving soup in the hotel bowls instead.

 

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There were 3 soup choices.  I had the seafood chowder.  It was delicious.  Huge chunks of salmon, clams, white fish (maybe halibut) potatoes and carrots. I had 2 bowls.  There was also tomato basil with little bite sized grilled cheese sandwiches that people put on top as croutons. The third choice  was  vegetable mulligatawny.

I took my bowl and walked into a lovely room that overlooked the ocean.  It was a beautiful sunny day so I decided I wanted to look out the window. I perused the round tables that seated about 12 but decided to stand up and eat at a higher table.  As soon as I placed my bowl down on the table a gentleman came over and asked if he could join me for lunch.  He introduced himself as Frank and I told him my name. He was wearing what I thought was a military dress uniform and he was wearing a poppy.

I have never had such an enjoyable conversation with a man in a very long time. We were fully engaged with each other, laughing and joking for at least 20 minutes. We showed each other our bowls and why we chose them. His had a very manly, deep dish shape with a beautiful chestnut, brown glaze.  It was gorgeous.  He had also never been to this event. He is originally from BC on the mainland but he just moved back here from Sudbury, Ontario, 2 years ago, where he plans to retire.  I am from Ontario so we talked about life back east versus west coast. He has two daughters, as do I. They are ages 22 and 14 (similar in age and gap as my girls).  His older daughter stayed back east to finish up university. This is her last year and she will have a teaching degree in French and PhysEd.  He went to Western University (as did I) to get his Masters degree.  We talked about Western and he stated, “So you are one of the Western babes.” “Well, yes I am I confirmed laughing.”  There used to be ratings of the hottest girls at university and when I went to Western, and when Frank did, too, it was ranked number 1 (it clearly had nothing to do with me) but it had this reputation. Frank said he suggested to his daughter that she attend Brescia College, the all girls school affiliated and on the campus of Western University.  He said she would have nothing to do with that.  I told him that was good because it is the last place he would want his daughter because that is where all the guys hang out.  He laughed and said that he  never thought about it being a magnet for men. His wife was a teacher in Ontario but when they moved here she got a job at UVic critiquing student teachers.

While we were talking people would come up and shake Frank’s hand and say “hi” to him. He had on a name tag but I couldn’t read it as it was on the opposite side of me and we were standing side by side.  Another man came to our table while were just starting to talk about Hawaii and shook his hand and asked if he could eat with us. He was a Victoria city councilor and commented to Frank that he was happy to see him two days in a row. He introduced himself to me as Chris and when I told him my name he said, “I know who you are.” He definitely does not know who I am.  We have never met before.  I just stared at him and he said, “I can’t remember where but we have met.” Nope, we haven’t. He then started name dropping and as he was taking away my new friend from me I was able to look at Frank’s name tag.  Frank Elsner, Chief of Police, Victoria Police Department.

I stayed for a little bit longer at the table and then excused myself. There was a raffle, live auction, silent auction, dessert trays, coffee and tea, and booths to buy bowls, pottery, cards and other art work.  I had a thoroughly enjoyable time, helped a great cause that I didn’t know existed (last year they raised $80,000 and this was their 18th year of the event) and I will definitely attend next year as well.

 

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