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5 Red Flag Behaviours in Tension and Conflict

We are back in court again June 29, 2020.  The Supreme Court of British Columbia has re-opened but I last heard it was only a couple of the court rooms in the Victoria court house.  I am hoping that we will not be postponed again.

It is unbelievable to me that we are 7 years post separation and I have to continue to go to court. I initiated the collaborative process 7 years ago as a way to divide assets, set up a separation agreement, ensure the needs of our children were met all so we didn’t have to go to court.  It was an effort for my ex and I to have control over what happened to our kids and belongings, a way to save money and to move on in peace.  My ex failed to participate and I had no choice but to change lawyers to find one who would go to court.  I needed to have the ability to force my ex to do what was required with our split so it wasn’t dragging on and on, wasting our time, energy and money.  In an effort to save costs we tried the mediation route which was a complete and utter disaster for many reasons which I will outline fully when the time is right to do that. Despite the agreement, my ex continues to fail to comply.

I listened tonight to Matthew Hussey talk about 5 destructive behaviours that people routinely fall into when having a relationship in moments of tension and conflict.  Not surprisingly, I recognize all of these behaviours as ways my ex coped in our marriage and his strategies continue in our separation. These are the reasons I feel hopeless in him ever doing what is required for us to just move on with everything settled, divorce finalized and not having to be back in court ever again.

  1. Go Quiet--Matthew’s advice is that in the moment you are tempted to go silent you need to talk.  In our marriage, my ex would give me the silent treatment as his form of punishment if he was angry.  He acknowledged that he considered it a “win” if I was the one that went to him to break the silence.  My friend asked him one time, “What do you think you are winning exactly?” It was always me who went to him first to talk.  Even today he will not engage in a talking conversation or dialogue over any issue. It is email only.
  2. Storming off–Matthew Hussey says this is a way of holding our partner an emotional hostage.  He says, “Yes, we need space but whenever possible stay and solve.”  My ex simply does not want to deal with anything.  I just asked him if his taxes were completed.  We are expected to exchange tax information every year by June 1. We had to go to court previously because my ex was 3 years behind and we are back in court again this month and need his 2019 info now.  His response was that he was going to block my emails if I harassed him again.  The one time since we split that I went to his house to talk to him directly, last year, (6 years post separation) he sent Janice to answer the door. (that is a whole other post–I would tell my boyfriend to just deal with his shit) I asked if I could speak with my ex and she just shut the door on me. I left, got in my car and drove home.  Both my kids texted me to see if I was okay because their dad contacted them right away to see why I was there. ( buddy, just deal with your shit without getting your kids involved)  My kids were worried because they knew it had to be incredibly important if I would go and see their dad.  He got mad at them for giving me his address, and he called the cops on me. He told the police I went to his girl friend’s place to confront her.  I told the officer I had no idea he moved in with her, that was his address and that she wasn’t a new girl friend.  I had nothing to confront her about, it was old news. He had been with her 6 plus years. The officer told me he was going to ask my ex if he could find a healthier way to deal with me especially because we had children.
  3. Labelling Our Partner–Mathew says we need to avoid this reflex mistake.  Matthew says that that you can have a selfish moment without being a universally selfish person and we have to give our partner some grace.  I could go through e-mail after e-mail and find an example where my ex does this.  The last email he sent me yesterday was accusing me of some letters he thinks that I received while we were still together and after he left. He said that I “neglected them like everything else I neglected in my life.”
  4. Making the Argument You’re Wrong and I’m Right–without making nuances. This is a constant with my ex. The latest is that he is trying to say it was the RESP company who closed our girls’ accounts and sent him the money for both girls because we failed to continue to make contributions.  Nothing in the documentation available shows this to be true.  He sent me the link for the rules and regulations. I read their information and they don’t close accounts for this reason. I called the RESP company twice and spoke with 2 different people who told me that the accounts were closed at the request of my ex. He insists that no one told me that and I need to learn to read because the information is in the link he sent me.  I quoted the sections that  supported what the 2 customer service reps told me and I asked him where specifically it said what he was saying.  His response: “Obviously you can’t read a document.  Keep reading. It’s there.”
  5. Inflicting Damage–instead of actually solving the problem.  Again, this is my ex.  If he isn’t withholding money owed to me and refusing to pay for things he agreed to pay in our agreement or things that are considered Special Expenses for the girls, he is name calling.  He refers to me as Trump, especially because I have the body of a 70 year old man. He calls me Robo McBlobo, tells me to get off my ass and get a job or that I spend my day at McDonalds. The list is endless and in fact my lawyer told the  judge that my file stands out to her because in her 25 years of practice she has never seen someone speak so derogatory to someone else.

Matthew Hussey suggests slowing down in these moments and instead focus on the kinder, softer approach to solve the problem.

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adultery, children, in sickness and in health, single parent, Uncategorized

10 Day Hospital Stay

20200302_084659Just before midnight on February 24, 2020, after 11 hours in the ER, I was wheeled up to my room. I had been on IV fluids since I was admitted.  IV antibiotics were started and I had a chest x-ray.

I was drinking water, cranberry juice and apple juice but nothing quenched my thirst. The nurse helped me into bed, brought me more fluids to drink and cheese and crackers to eat.  Every 2 hours they took my blood pressure, temperature and pulse.  Before 7 am they took more jars of blood so they could continue to grow cultures.  I did not get much sleep and was sitting up when the doctor came to see me at 8 a.m.

He looked at me and said, “Are you (my name?)” After I replied, “yes” he told me that he was surprised because based on the lab report he was reading I should not be able to sit up. I told him that I had some fluids and food in me so I was feeling way better than when I arrived. He told me that I was very sick and mentioned some numbers regarding my blood panel that meant nothing to me. He told me my CRP was 400, I was completely septic and they needed to figure out why. He was ordering an ultrasound, echocardiogram, CT scan with contrast, nasal swab and blood thinner injections daily in my belly.  I was considered “precautions” and everyone who came to see me had to wear full PPE.

My best friend’s husband is a physician in Ontario. He was asking questions by text about my blood work and even offered to call the doctor directly. He asked me to inquire about another blood indicator and when I told the doctor the next day about the number my friend wanted to know, the doctor responded, “He will be so freaked out by it.”  He obviously told my best friend how sick I was because she wanted to fly out  and she contacted the other 4 friends in our tight-knit group. One of those friends pleaded with me to transfer to Vancouver for care. I assured her I was in good hands.

On Day 3, I started to develop a rash over my entire body and I was having difficulty breathing. I wore a ‘penicillin allergy’ bracelet and was certain I was having an anaphylactic response to the meds especially when they told me that one antibiotic was in the penicillin family.  The hospital’s clinical pharmacist came to see me and he couldn’t understand the reaction. Firstly, the rash was blistering, on my palms and elbows especially, and it was very painful with raised bumps; not itchy and flat. He said even though one antibiotic was in the penicillin family it is commonly prescribed to people with penicillin allergies and shouldn’t cause a reaction. At this point they were confident that I had a bacterial infection, not viral, and the combination of antibiotics were having some positive effect on my blood cultures so he didn’t really want to change them. The pharmacist now had to figure out what med was causing the reaction because I was currently on two antibiotics and I had been given two different antibiotics in Emerg.  He was going to contact the Infectious Disease Specialist again for input.  He put my antibiotics on hold and I was prescribed nebulizers that they administered by mask immediately for my breathing.

Word was getting out that I was in the hospital. I received many visitors, flowers, calls, texts, food for both me and my girls, books, magazines (although I did not even turn a page until day 7 of my stay because I was too sick to even care to look at pictures) and a pile of hand-made cards from my daycare kids.  I was most grateful though for the kindness that people showed my kids. People were inviting them to dinner and offering their services and support.

My sudden illness was a huge burden on my children.  They had no other parent to take over those responsibilities. They had to take care of the house, the pets, a new roommate was moving in so there was cleaning and prepping for her arrival as well as the fact we were moving to a new rental in less than a month.  They had to bring me clothes, toiletries, my phone charger and whatever else I realized I needed each day my stay was extended longer and longer. They had to bring me the mail to open and then they had to deposit money into my account and pay bills. On top of that my youngest daughter was preparing for a dance show with a long rehearsal the day before and 2 performances the next day as well as trying to prepare for a school trip to Tanzania. She still had things she needed to buy for the trip. Most of the burden rested with my youngest daughter as the hospital was on her way to school and close to her dance studio.

I was very surprised that my kids didn’t tell my ex or his parents, who were visiting from Ontario for several weeks, that I was in the hospital. I told my younger daughter to let her dad know that I couldn’t do the things that she needed me to do and to ask him to take her places to get what she needed.  She wouldn’t do it.  I told her that her grandparents would probably love to help her out but she would not tell them and she would not ask them for help.  Although my girls talked to my birth mom by phone, she was in Florida on the other side of the continent and I have no family living here.

On Day 4 the doctor greeted me with, “How is the most interesting patient in Island Health Authority today?” We had a diagnosis: rat bite fever. I didn’t have an anaphylactic reaction.  I had pneumonia as confirmed by the CT scan and the rash was one of the symptoms of my diagnosis. The Infectious Disease Specialist came to see me and she took photos of my rash for her medical book and teaching tools.  The clinical pharmacist also paid me another visit to make sure I was doing okay on the meds. I was still coughing but I was able to have “precautions” lifted.

Days 5 – 7 my pressure was bouncing around.  It was as high as 220/105.  That concerned me but my doctor said the low blood pressure concerned him much more. I still had a fever but it was much lower. I was starting to walk a little bit. I was told I had a beautiful heart to photograph and there were no vegetations on the heart valves which was a good sign. I was still having blood taken every morning.

On Day 8, my family doctor came to visit me. My liver numbers were the latest concern and they were afraid of permanent damage.  My fever had finally normalized. The infectious Disease Specialist came to see me again and advised they were going to switch the IV antibiotics for oral antibiotics to see if I could keep them down.

They took me off all IV fluids on Day 9. I was still having nebulizers 4 times/day.  The clinical pharmacist came in to see me again to make sure I was doing okay on the oral antibiotics. They were making me nauseous so he said I could take them with some food, just not dairy. They were going to let me go on Day 11 or 12 but I asked if I could go home the next day.  I was starting to feel the stress of all that I needed to do at home and I knew my kids were needing me. I had to wait to see what the doctor said in the morning.  He reluctantly agreed,  gave me a 10 day supply of the antibiotic,  I called a friend to pick me up, they took out the IV line and I was discharged.

I quickly realized that I was definitely still sick and could do very little.  I had no energy and basically traded the hospital bed for my own bed.  It took another 2 weeks to recover.  I had my blood retested and there were 3 areas that were still way out of range.

My follow up appointment with the Infectious Disease specialist was changed to a Telehealth call on April 15.  I am not to work due to compromised health with Covid-19  risk but there is nothing more they can do for me unless my condition deteriorates.  There could be permanent damage but I was also told my inflammatory condition was so severe that it is not unexpected that I have areas still out of normal range.

I was advised to take care of my health and avoid stressful situations. Needless to say the stress just kept coming.

 

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The Journey we want to Disembark

Choosing a partner has life long consequences for everyone associated with the union. Some are impacted more directly, like the partners themselves, their children, their family and closest friends but everyone who is involved in the connection shares pieces.

Unfortunately, we can link in life to people who don’t love us or care what happens to us. They love themselves so much that they do what pleases them with no regard for who it effects. They may even consciously choose to harm us. When we try to save ourselves and protect our loved ones in the destroyers path it becomes impossible to unyoke from them.  For my children and me it has been 7 years! We may be able to loosen their grip but they hang around our neck weighing us down, refusing to let go and dragging us through the mud with them.

My older daughter (22) was asking me questions about why we are still stuck.  I told her some of the ongoing issues.  Her dad has a different story so I told her that she could read the court decision and make her own determination. My younger daughter (17 but will be 18 in two months) was present during the conversation. That was all that was said. I didn’t know if they read it or not. Later, I heard my older daughter say to my younger daughter, “How do you feel that dad won’t pay for your dance?” I wasn’t in the same room and didn’t hear her response.  It may have been a gesture but I don’t know.  My older daughter said to her, “Why don’t you ask him to buy you a pair of Tap shoes or something.” Her response was, “I’m not asking him for anything.”

I beg God to let me and our children out of this nightmare. I receive responses in different ways that allows me to trust in God, trust in his timing, trust in his plan for our lives and future.  I believe that God loves me and he loves my ex husband, equally.  I believe that he loves our children. I believe that God loves my ex husband so much and is so hurt and saddened by his path choice and where it has taken him and continues to lead him, that he allows him opportunity after opportunity to do the right thing even if those opportunities hurt me and our children. That is the difficulty in being dragged around on a partner’s journey.  We are trying desperately to jump off, This is my “for better or for worse.”  My kids did not make that vow but because they were born of our vow, they end up being unwilling participants cinched in on a ride they desperately want to end.

 

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Graduation Class 2019

We continue to await the judges decision.  This is required to move us forward financially in the settlement of our affairs but I don’t know if it will help my ex move forward emotionally.  Anger consumes him.  His rage spills on to anyone involved directly or indirectly in my life; our children, my employer, the accountant of my employer, and even the receptionist at our daughter’s dance studio.

Even though he sent me emails telling me that he would “throw me a bone” and allow me to work without deducting it from spousal support, when he found out from my daughter that I was working at a place he didn’t now about, he lost it.  He surveilled me.  He paid for him and his lawyer to take a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride to Vancouver to have my daughter swear an affidavit saying I was working.  He wrote my employer a threatening letter quoting excerpts from my blog. The content of the letter had my employer so disturbed she contacted the police.  When my employer’s accountant said they would handle responding to his letter, my ex was so incensed he tore a strip off of the accountant and ended by saying he hoped that he never had the pleasure of hearing from him again. He was so rude in an email response to the receptionist at my daughter’s dance studio she asked me if she should just take him off the email list. I told her I was so sorry but for our daughter’s benefit I felt that he should still receive all the emails so he knew the dance news, performance dates, locations, etc.

The latest thing that had him complaining to my younger daughter tonight pertains to our older daughter’s graduation ceremony next month.  His parents and his girlfriend want to be at her ceremony too.  My younger daughter initially told me a few weeks ago that her dad was planning a dinner but (and she said this kind of sheepishly and embarrassingly) “I don’t think you are invited.”

Hmm, I was the one who supported her on every level during her school years. I went to all the parent meetings, volunteered, field trips, parent committees, etc.  I contributed to her RESP (that my ex collapsed at some point, lost the government yearly grant, thousands of dollars, as a result and still hasn’t conveyed where the money went including the money saved for our younger daughter); I paid for her rent while she was at school during her 2nd, 3rd and 4th year and paid for her groceries, clothes, toiletries, etc.; I paid for her travel back home, I physically moved her there and back between years and incurred that expense, and she lived with me for the 4 plus months between school years. Plus I paid for a full year of her private school in high school myself after my ex left. Even though we specifically moved her from the public system to the private system because she needed the help, he no longer wanted her to go there and said she could go back into the public system. Now he some how feels his girlfriend and parents have priority over me in celebrating our daughter’s graduation. (I am fine with his parents being there.  Mine wanted to come too as it is their first grandchild graduation but my step dad is currently undergoing treatment for cancer.)

My ex apparently told my older daughter that I could have lunch with her instead. I visited my older daughter in Vancouver a couple of weekends ago. She was feeling so much pressure and stress.  She was in the middle of her final exams, too.  I told her not to worry about it or to worry about me.  I would be happy to have lunch with her.  But tonight my ex was pressing my younger daughter asking where we were staying in Vancouver. She said she didn’t know (it is over a month away, I have arranged nothing).  She asked where he was staying because he told her that he was booking a room for his parent’s tonight, too.  He refused to tell her because he thinks I will stay at the same place and that “your mother will try to pull something.”

He was telling my younger daughter where he had made a reservation for dinner the night before the grad. He seems to think that he will tell my younger daughter the time and place and that I will bend to his schedule and drop her off at the place of his choosing, the time of his choosing and pick her up afterwards.  He might be rethinking this whole thing when he wants to drink with dinner and then realizes he has to drop her back off at my hotel wherever that might be and drive our other daughter and her best friend who is going as well back to their place.

It is over a month away.  I haven’t even considered where I may stay.  My older daughter had asked me to stay with her but I think it will be too cramped because her best friend is going to be there, too and I don’t want her to feel badly leaving me at her place while they go out to the grad dinner her dad is planning.

I have my other daughter to consider as well.  Going over early will affect her school and dance schedule that she said she doesn’t want to miss. Plus I have work.  We will take the ferry over the night before because the ceremony is at 8:30 a.m. but I don’t know what time is realistic for us to be able to arrive.

My goal is for my older daughter to feel loved, celebrated and honoured for all the hard work she put into getting her degree. It is a shame that her dad cares way more about what he wants. He doesn’t even have the courtesy or maturity to talk to me about how to ensure the day is a success for our older daughter and that our younger daughter doesn’t feel like an outsider or responsible to coordinate his plans with my plans and worry about being a burden to get to places.

It would be so nice if my ex could use this time symbolically to graduate on as well. It has been more than 6 years since I found out about his affair and he left. I have zero emotion over him.  Any emotion stems from the frustration of him dragging this on at every level and wasting so much of our time, energy and money. I am steady though. Some say emotionless especially since many have had a taste of his reactive, angry craziness.  It is just like cleaning the cat box and picking up dog poop. It is what it is.

It does however baffle me why Janice Andrews feels she has any place to be at my daughter’s grad and her family celebration.  She participated 0% in the raising of my daughter and her schooling.  In fact, my daughter’s well-being was the furthest thing from her mind when she was screwing her dad and tearing her family apart.  Janice studies selfishness. Family history bores her. She cheats to move ahead in the world or at least in her mind that is what she has to do to succeed in her life.

My daughter almost lost her education as a result of Janice’s intrusion into our lives. My daughter had and continues to have many struggles because of Janice and her dad’s cheating and his continued behaviour and complete absence of parenting.  They educated my daughter in the crappiest part of humanity and ethics.

My ex never cared about grades. He was proud in his attitude about his marks–” ‘D’ for done because no one asks or cares in the end”.  He didn’t complete college. He didn’t complete his marriage, parenting responsibilities, vow to God–I wouldn’t take his philosophy course–it doesn’t seem to be working for him.  They both get a big F in my books.

 

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Learning the hard way

Tearing at the Fabric

I don’t really seek any new blogs about infidelity anymore. I haven’t in a very long while, probably years. I have a very small core of people I follow, and interact with now that my infidelity journey pretty much came to an end – with more infidelity, bahahaha! Who knew?

Capture

However, this post came to my attention yesterday. By a young woman who had learned the hard way about cheaters who lie (ummm, isn’t that kind of a given?) Or is that liars who cheat? It is a mutually constituting and sustaining cycle. The lines she was fed – and she obviously swallowed, hook, line and sinker – by an older married man, who told her he was in an open relationship. That his wife didn’t like sex. That he wanted to be with her. Yaddah, yaddah, yaddah.

You know the drill. Liars gonna lie. I admire this woman for…

View original post 305 more words

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adultery, affair, Hawaii, Uncategorized

What Happens in the Pause

I just needed to take a break.

I needed to ignore my overwhelming ‘To Do’ list.

I needed to say “No” to doing anything.

I needed to try to halt my thoughts and clear my mind.  Essentially to not focus, concentrate, reflect or ruminate on anything. To try to stop worrying. I didn’t write about anything.  I tried to let everything flow in and out of my mind without judgment or consideration. I stepped back and I stepped aside.

I needed a hiatus from my friends, my routine and the day to day requirements of my pets and kids.

I needed a different scenario.  An escape.

I just needed to do something that I wanted to do for me for no other purpose than enjoyment. Required respite.

My forced cessation of everything ended with a 3 week vacation.  The first week was spent camping with my youngest daughter and her friend.  I did have a couple of friends at the campsite and a friend who came up to visit for one day.  After a week I returned home to spend a day touring friends from Ontario around Victoria and then the next day I flew to Hawaii for 2 weeks to celebrate my 50th birthday.  I took my kids and I am glad that we were able to share in so many amazing experiences together.  I still think that a week away in the future completely by myself or with one close friend is necessary. The urge to be able to be alone, to eat, sleep, do the things that I want to do when I want to do them without interruption or distraction is such a desire and need in my life right now.  More refreshment should revitalize me further.

On the last day that I spent in Hawaii, I played in the waves all by myself on Hapuna Beach. It is apparently voted the 3rd best family beach in the world. It was a sunny day; no clouds in the sky and the water was so warm with a white sandy bottom. The waves would pull me back and then push me in. It was easy to just float and be lulled by the movement. The beach was long and I started from the middle and went all the way to the left to the Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel and then back to the other side where the rock formations make caves and lava tubes. I made this journey twice. I swam, floated, walked and jumped.  Sometimes it didn’t seem like I was making any progress at all and I just stayed in one spot. Other times, the tide would pull me and I would panic a little if I got too far away from shore. Eventually I made it to where I planned to go.

Hapuna Beach

I returned home with clearer thinking and renewed energy to work toward finishing all the tasks that I need to do to end my marriage and settle our legal matters.

Some things that I noticed during my pause:

  •  I don’t have tolerance for garbage in my life. I am letting people and things go without regret.
  • I say what is on my mind and I am clear with my expectations.
  • I am eager and excited for change, adventurers, new people in my life and new possibilities anywhere they might take me.
  • I am braver and fear little.
  • The scar on my right arm from 3 surgeries for Melanoma, that the specialist I saw in June was concerned continued to be raised and wasn’t flattening despite all the massaging with oils, now lies completely flat and is pain free.
  • A slit in my right thumb nail that has plagued me for the last 10  years with continual breakage down into my nail bed is miraculously healed.  I can’t stop looking at it and rubbing it.  I feel like I am healing all over at the cellular level.
  • I realized that my ex has built his entire world around his work.   He gets all his needs met at the workplace.  All his benefits and money come from his employment. He is fed there, drinks there, gets sex there, the other woman works there, and his 2 best male friends who extend his social life beyond the walls of the office work there.  He has created his work to be his God.

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, infidelity, other woman, Uncategorized

Lemonade

I love that Beyoncé’s HBO special and new album, Lemonade, are getting a lot of hype.  No one is immune to cheating regardless of how loving, talented, beautiful, intelligent, successful or any other enviable trait.

The lyrics in this album are so powerful:  “Are you cheating on me? You can taste the dishonesty. It’s all over your breath.”

What is also universal–no one has any love or respect for the other woman. Whether it is Rachel Roy or Rita Ora or both, their taunting of Beyoncé and dismissive, trite comments like, “Good hair, don’t care” sure do not win them any love.  Rachel Roy is only now denying an affair with Jay Z because she has apparently received death threats on her and her children’s lives. Her Wikipedia account was hacked saying she died on April 23, 2016 under the lemonade stand.

The emotional ride on this album is one that anyone who has been cheated on can relate.

Regardless of how good Becky’s hair is, she has way too many other issues of lack that she tried to fill up by being the other woman. I’d take a bad hair day over being the other woman every time.

 

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, children, court, divorce, Family Law, infidelity, legal obligations, marriage, pets, the other woman, Uncategorized

It is about Fair Compensation, Not Winning

I guess last week’s court ruling didn’t phase Dave.  The court orders were sent to his lawyer and Dave still has not provided me with the support arrears payment or my court costs.

Instead, Dave sent me an email telling me that we have “a fundamental difference of opinion”.  He plans to continue to fight me in court with respect to refusing to pay any pet expenses.  He believes that his support payments should cover those expenses and even though he agreed in mediation to pay 50% of the pet expenses he wants a court to rule.

He believes that the same holds true for our daughter’s dance expenses.  He wrote that he agrees to pay for 70% of her “dance lessons” (even though our mediation agreement says “dance expenses”). But Dave doesn’t want to pay any portion of her dance shoes (she can’t participate unless she wears proper footwear in each class–ballet shoes, pointe shoes, tap shoes, hip hop shoes, jazz shoes, and foot undies for Lyrical).  Plus our daughter is enrolled in competitive dance classes. Dave doesn’t want to pay any portion of the competition or festival fees, or any travel expenses to get her to the competitions. And yet, when we signed her up he knew all of these expenses are part of our daughter taking dance.  This is her 7th year dancing at this studio so it isn’t a sudden surprise we have to pay for these things.

Why does a parent pay for all of these things when they are part of a family without any issue yet when they decide to fool around and leave the family they feel their kids should do without? Did they every love their child? I don’t believe Dave ever did love our children more than he loves himself.

It isn’t a financial issue.  I saw his bank account balance in his court documentation.  He can certainly afford to pay.  His dividend cheque alone that he deposited for one month is more than my entire year income by 1 1/2 times and he will have another one in a couple of months. I have managed to pay these expenses without going into debt but it has meant me and my children had to do without in other areas. It has been a 3 year struggle. I try to spend wisely and cautiously and I abhor the wasteful cost of having to fight for our rights. I can’t afford the alternative either.  The Divorcemate calculations are tested and considered fair and equal to both parents based on their earnings.  Dave doesn’t want to do without for himself and I wonder how much influence the Other Woman is applying.

He wrote to me today saying that “the court speaks clearly” on these items and “it’s not that complicated.” I believe this to be true, in our child’s favour and our pets’ favour, not his.  My lawyer doesn’t go to court to lose and she is very mindful of my financial situation. We have accepted chiselled down reimbursement by Dave every time in the interest of avoiding court and its costs but I cannot be taken advantage of by him any further and this is the only way to put an end to it.

Then Dave added:  “The reality is that there is no negotiation with you. You want to win. So you end up submitting ridiculous expenses like $5.49 for this or that. Or even the fact that you mention the expenses are now being divided 71-29 rather than the current 70-30 and I will owe extra. It’s so ridiculous and counterproductive. That’s why nothing ever gets done with you. You take silly positions and then spend thousands on your lawyer for what? Just so you can say you won? But in the end you’re paying thousands out that could be used for many other things.”

This is the exact thing I would say back to him. I have no idea what he thinks there is to win.  I just want fair compensation.

He sums up his email as follows:  “So while I appreciate the “offer to negotiate” with you, the past has spoken very clearly that isn’t something you really want to do unless you get everything you demand. You’ve proven to be unreasonable and submitting unending expenses regardless of the value. I’m tired of this constant badgering and so I’m left with no choice but to let the courts decide what is or isn’t reasonable.”

I find it so interesting that he is trying to make me look like the bad person just for submitting expenses to him that he agreed to pay because he considers the amount to be too minor.  That shows that money is not a concern to him and that it is a day-to-day worry for me.  There will be an end to the expenses at some point in time but currently we share pets together and our daughter participates in dance so there will be ongoing expenses. David should have expected that when he agreed to adopt 3 pets into our family and when he decided to have children. I appreciate that he has decided to leave the family and it would be much more convenient if he could just continue to run away from his responsibilities associated with his family, too.

Dave feels badgered simply because there are consequences to his actions that he prefers to ignore.  He is now being held accountability for his failure to honour agreements, take care of his responsibilities, follow court rules, pay bills and for making stupid decisions in his life.  Dave’s decision to just let the courts decide saves him from having to own his life decisions and accept the consequences now. He will avoid, delay and refuse for as long as that works for him. When he loses he will just blame the courts, his lawyer and he will continue to blame me.

 

 

 

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abuse of power, adultery, affair, Betrayal, bullying, court, divorce, infidelity, legal proceedings, litigation, Uncategorized

The Court Sends A Strong Message

Dave chose not to attend court today.  His lawyer was present.

On November 23, 2015 my lawyer contacted Dave’s lawyer to advise that I gave her instructions to pursue Dave in court for the outstanding expenses he continued to refuse to pay as per our mediation agreement.   These included pet expenses, dance expenses, alterations to my daughter’s grad dress, and orthodontic expenses. His share totalled $1212.11.

We were also asking Dave to increase my spousal and child support from July 1, 2015 to January, 31, 2016 as per our agreement based on our 2014 income information.

We were asking Dave to pay our older daughter’s school account that he still hasn’t paid for the September 2014 – June 2015 school year and where my name is still included as being responsible for this account.  This amount is over $1200. Our daughter was living with him at the time these expenses were incurred.

We were asking for Dave to provide me with interest on the RRSP amount he was to roll over to me on November 6, 2014 that I have yet to receive.

We asked him to provide details of the life insurance that he was to get in November 2014.

We asked for information from his bank outlining all bank accounts he had at the time of our separation because there were unexplained transactions leading us to believe he carried an undisclosed bank account.

We asked for details of RESP accounts for both our daughters that he had control of and failed to disclose at mediation and has failed to provide details about.

My lawyer filed our documents on December 4.  Dave has to meet the court rules and provide a response within 5 days.  When my lawyer hadn’t received anything by December 9 she contacted his lawyer.  He had a lot of excuses for the delay and urged my solicitor to push our December 17 court date to January 20, 2016.  She did.  She asked that Dave’s response be at her office by January 11 so she had time to review it.  When it wasn’t received by this time she contacted Dave’s lawyer again.  She told him that she was in court on Thursday and Friday and then after court on Friday she had to fly to Vancouver for a family death.  She needed the documents by Wednesday in order to have time to review them.  Dave’s lawyer served her on Friday at 3:50 p.m. when he knew she wasn’t available to receive them.  She did not receive Dave’s affidavit until Monday morning, 2 days before our scheduled court date.

I did manage to drop everything to respond to Dave’s 21 points in case Dave’s affidavit was admitted into court despite him failing to meet the filing deadline.  My lawyer filed our response to Dave’s affidavit the night before our court appearance.  The judge therefore had none of this information.

The judge ruled Dave’s affidavit was inadmissible.  Dave’s lawyer had to try to explain why Dave ignored court rules but instead tried to just make excuses why the judge should hear his evidence.  The judge again asked why he should admit Dave’s affidavit when Dave was “thumbing his nose at the rules”, “inconveniencing the courts”, “not abiding by the rules that are in place to avoid hearings by ambush”.   Dave’s lawyer finally conceded there was no excuse.

Dave’s lawyer’s big mistake was still trying to get his client’s affidavit admitted by using the words “in the name of Justice.” The judge said,  (and I might be paraphrasing a little but I wrote down as many of his comments as I could):  In the name of justice we should be able to move forward today because your client responded to the action brought against him in accordance to the rules.  Instead, he has played every game he can play.  He has not done his job. He makes north of $100,000 more than the claimant.  He controls everything. He has applied the pressure to the claimant, hammered her against the wall and twiddled his thumbs for a year plus.  He has forced her to make an application to the court. Why doesn’t he give his paycheck over to the claimant and let her decide how much he should have?  I bet the claimant would love to have his difficulties. What in the world do we have to control people like him if we don’t have court rules.  He just waits in the weeds.  We need to send a message to people like him that we are not kidding.

The judge then ruled that he found it fit to not receive his evidence because Dave’s actions are to be frowned upon. Otherwise, it is just a license for people to show up last minute and cry “in the interest of justice.” The lower income party has been on the short end of the stick.  The higher income party was well equipped to be able to do what mattered and he chose not to. He used the court as a way to apply pressure to squeeze the side with the least means. There will be financial consequences to Mr. Cherrie for essentially his “bare faced ignoring of court rules.”

As such, I won all the orders we were seeking.  Dave was ordered to pay me spousal support and child support arrears in the amount that was agreed upon prior to the court hearing.  In fact 7/10 of the items we were seeking were agreed upon by Dave’s lawyer prior to us being heard which made the judge indicate that if Dave had have filed on time court may have been avoided all together.  Dave was ordered to pay me TODAY support arrears in the amount of $5663, to start paying me an increase in spousal and child support as of February 1, 2015 plus an additional $1300 in punitive damages to pay my court fees and legal fees.  The judge also said that if we have to come back to court on any of these issues that Dave will be ordered to pay my costs again.

In essence, Dave just spent $2600 (both of our court costs) to fight me on $1200 worth of expenses. While he was scrambling to get his documents in just before our proceedings he agreed to pay the support arrears (although he tried to haggle off $28/month from the calculation) and tried to send over some documentation that we requested in our order but still didn’t satisfy what we required.  What a waste of time, energy and money. We ran out of time so the expense issue had to be adjourned. Therefore, Dave will still have to go back to court with me to fight those expenses and we are still asking for costs because they are agreed upon expenses.  We will be back in court unless Dave pays me in full. I have no more patience for this man and the court agrees.

 

 

 

 

 

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Uncategorized

Happy New Year 2016 from Key West, Florida

I told my friend that the best thing for me about 2015 is that it is over.  He sarcastically commented about my “uplifting” sentiment but I wasn’t finished reflecting.

pitbull-NYE-2015-billboard-650 The best thing for me about losing all of my security or false sense of security is that I feel like I have nothing else left to lose.  Initially, I thought that meant that I would not be able to do any of the things that I really wanted to do in my life. Surprisingly, the complete opposite is becoming my reality. I am not living in deprivation.  I know what I really want and those things important to me are coming to fruition in my life.

I love to travel.  I love the new experiences, adventures, exploring, food, people, surroundings, culture, history, etc.  This Christmas, the only thing that I wanted to do was to go away.  Nothing about Christmas really appeals to me anymore and least of all the material aspect of buying and contributing to the accumulation of things. I looked into many options but nothing was affordable or really worked to the schedule of me and my children. But, the universe conspires to make my dreams come true despite my circumstances.

Out of the blue, an incredibly generous gift that I actually turned down 3 times before I finally accepted, allowed me to take both my daughters to Miami and Key West over the Christmas holiday. Just by saying “yes” and accepting that gift, more gifts followed.  I learned that Pitbull was hosting his second New Year’s Revolution Party with a free concert to be televised by Fox T.V with a star-studded line up of artists both my kids love. Then the day before the New Year’s Eve concert we watched two other artists my kids really wanted to see for another free concert on the beach–Macklemore with Ryan Lewis and Imagine Dragons.  There was a fireworks display afterwards.  And during our time here I won a trip to Cancun for 4 nights and 5 days.  All of these things were truly free gifts to me.

Experiences continued. My kids really wanted to go and see The Dash store owned by the Kardashians.  While we were there we went to dinner in the area which is in trendy South Beach.  When we came out of the restaurant, Jalapeno, after an amazing meal in a phenomenal atmosphere with the most attentive waiter, my younger daughter spotted a man riding a bicycle with a lemur in the basket of his bicycle.  We called him over and he generously allowed my kids to pet and hold the lemur.  He then took it a considerable distance away from them and had them stand still and the monkey jumped all the way from him onto their shoulders.  A crowd was gathering around as he allowed both my children turns with the monkey.  It is something they will always remember.

During our trip I found people to be so kind and friendly.  One young guy was sharing with me about his tour in Afghanistan as a marine. He showed me photos of his friends in uniform and then their blown up tank and how he lost both of those friends when their vehicle was targeted and he was lucky to be alive. He had a brain injury and was now working in the travel industry. He asked me where I was staying and when he found out that I hadn’t booked a room yet for our final day in Miami after our drive back from Key West he told me that he would book me a room with 2 king beds at the Marriott Hotel by the airport for free.  He called my cell phone so I had his contact number but I really didn’t think I would hear from him.  He contacted me again to ensure that he had the right airport and day that we needed the room. Then he contacted me to apologize that it was so busy at the Marriott that night that he was only able to get me a room with 2 queen beds. He sent me the confirmation email.

So while I was standing watching the Pitbull concert on New Year’s Eve with my children, dancing, singing, seeing the stage and the performers clearly when there were apparently 100,000 people there, seeing how excited my children were for the various acts, having 2 firework displays going off at midnight in the sky above me and then again 15 minutes later I suddenly felt so alive and awake. Colours seemed more vibrant.  I thanked God for his generosity and for knowing how to give me and my children the best gifts imaginable. I couldn’t have dreamed up a better vacation. I felt so grateful.

A couple of minutes before the end of the concert while Pitbull was  thanking everyone, rain, which seemed to come out of no where because it had been a clear, sunny, hot day, poured down on us.  I knew I was being renewed and the rain was the perfect symbol for that. I felt elated.

Today, my children and I spent our last full day together leaving the house at 10:45 a.m. not returning until 10:00 p.m. My kids were happy and grateful for everything we did, no complaints about all the walking, and even thrilled to take a ride back to the hotel in a pink taxi cab.  We lied together on my bed and looked at pictures, talked and laughed for another 1 1/2 hours. My older daughter commented that she thinks this is the best vacation we have ever taken.

Although I have never been happier to put a year behind me, I have never felt so excited and optimistic for the new year before me.  Happy New Year everyone!  Wishing you all amazing gifts and happy surprises for 2016!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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