We continue to await the judges decision. This is required to move us forward financially in the settlement of our affairs but I don’t know if it will help my ex move forward emotionally. Anger consumes him. His rage spills on to anyone involved directly or indirectly in my life; our children, my employer, the accountant of my employer, and even the receptionist at our daughter’s dance studio.
Even though he sent me emails telling me that he would “throw me a bone” and allow me to work without deducting it from spousal support, when he found out from my daughter that I was working at a place he didn’t now about, he lost it. He surveilled me. He paid for him and his lawyer to take a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride to Vancouver to have my daughter swear an affidavit saying I was working. He wrote my employer a threatening letter quoting excerpts from my blog. The content of the letter had my employer so disturbed she contacted the police. When my employer’s accountant said they would handle responding to his letter, my ex was so incensed he tore a strip off of the accountant and ended by saying he hoped that he never had the pleasure of hearing from him again. He was so rude in an email response to the receptionist at my daughter’s dance studio she asked me if she should just take him off the email list. I told her I was so sorry but for our daughter’s benefit I felt that he should still receive all the emails so he knew the dance news, performance dates, locations, etc.
The latest thing that had him complaining to my younger daughter tonight pertains to our older daughter’s graduation ceremony next month. His parents and his girlfriend want to be at her ceremony too. My younger daughter initially told me a few weeks ago that her dad was planning a dinner but (and she said this kind of sheepishly and embarrassingly) “I don’t think you are invited.”
Hmm, I was the one who supported her on every level during her school years. I went to all the parent meetings, volunteered, field trips, parent committees, etc. I contributed to her RESP (that my ex collapsed at some point, lost the government yearly grant, thousands of dollars, as a result and still hasn’t conveyed where the money went including the money saved for our younger daughter); I paid for her rent while she was at school during her 2nd, 3rd and 4th year and paid for her groceries, clothes, toiletries, etc.; I paid for her travel back home, I physically moved her there and back between years and incurred that expense, and she lived with me for the 4 plus months between school years. Plus I paid for a full year of her private school in high school myself after my ex left. Even though we specifically moved her from the public system to the private system because she needed the help, he no longer wanted her to go there and said she could go back into the public system. Now he some how feels his girlfriend and parents have priority over me in celebrating our daughter’s graduation. (I am fine with his parents being there. Mine wanted to come too as it is their first grandchild graduation but my step dad is currently undergoing treatment for cancer.)
My ex apparently told my older daughter that I could have lunch with her instead. I visited my older daughter in Vancouver a couple of weekends ago. She was feeling so much pressure and stress. She was in the middle of her final exams, too. I told her not to worry about it or to worry about me. I would be happy to have lunch with her. But tonight my ex was pressing my younger daughter asking where we were staying in Vancouver. She said she didn’t know (it is over a month away, I have arranged nothing). She asked where he was staying because he told her that he was booking a room for his parent’s tonight, too. He refused to tell her because he thinks I will stay at the same place and that “your mother will try to pull something.”
He was telling my younger daughter where he had made a reservation for dinner the night before the grad. He seems to think that he will tell my younger daughter the time and place and that I will bend to his schedule and drop her off at the place of his choosing, the time of his choosing and pick her up afterwards. He might be rethinking this whole thing when he wants to drink with dinner and then realizes he has to drop her back off at my hotel wherever that might be and drive our other daughter and her best friend who is going as well back to their place.
It is over a month away. I haven’t even considered where I may stay. My older daughter had asked me to stay with her but I think it will be too cramped because her best friend is going to be there, too and I don’t want her to feel badly leaving me at her place while they go out to the grad dinner her dad is planning.
I have my other daughter to consider as well. Going over early will affect her school and dance schedule that she said she doesn’t want to miss. Plus I have work. We will take the ferry over the night before because the ceremony is at 8:30 a.m. but I don’t know what time is realistic for us to be able to arrive.
My goal is for my older daughter to feel loved, celebrated and honoured for all the hard work she put into getting her degree. It is a shame that her dad cares way more about what he wants. He doesn’t even have the courtesy or maturity to talk to me about how to ensure the day is a success for our older daughter and that our younger daughter doesn’t feel like an outsider or responsible to coordinate his plans with my plans and worry about being a burden to get to places.
It would be so nice if my ex could use this time symbolically to graduate on as well. It has been more than 6 years since I found out about his affair and he left. I have zero emotion over him. Any emotion stems from the frustration of him dragging this on at every level and wasting so much of our time, energy and money. I am steady though. Some say emotionless especially since many have had a taste of his reactive, angry craziness. It is just like cleaning the cat box and picking up dog poop. It is what it is.
It does however baffle me why Janice Andrews feels she has any place to be at my daughter’s grad and her family celebration. She participated 0% in the raising of my daughter and her schooling. In fact, my daughter’s well-being was the furthest thing from her mind when she was screwing her dad and tearing her family apart. Janice studies selfishness. Family history bores her. She cheats to move ahead in the world or at least in her mind that is what she has to do to succeed in her life.
My daughter almost lost her education as a result of Janice’s intrusion into our lives. My daughter had and continues to have many struggles because of Janice and her dad’s cheating and his continued behaviour and complete absence of parenting. They educated my daughter in the crappiest part of humanity and ethics.
My ex never cared about grades. He was proud in his attitude about his marks–” ‘D’ for done because no one asks or cares in the end”. He didn’t complete college. He didn’t complete his marriage, parenting responsibilities, vow to God–I wouldn’t take his philosophy course–it doesn’t seem to be working for him. They both get a big F in my books.
2 thoughts on “Graduation Class 2019”
That “I don’t think you’re invited” comment set me on fire. I’m not a big self-promoter, but if anyone understands what it’s like to be married to a narcissist, I do. I wrote a book about my life with my ex. When I made it clear to him that he was not going to have his “good wife” and keep his tramp on the side, he made a comment that our children were going to have to choose between “them” and me. They chose “them.” In the last seven years, there have been birthdays, holidays and special occasions. None of them came right out and said, “I don’t think you’re invited.” They just didn’t invite me. So, now the ex and his tramp get to enjoy my children and my grandchildren. Ever wish for severe Karma? I sure as hell do.
I appreciate your understanding and support so much.
I just met a lady, when I was away in California last month, who told me that her ex offered to pay for their daughter’s wedding and hold it at an amazing property in Arizona with the stipulation that she can’t invite her mom. She did it! That daughter just died of colon cancer at age 28 and it was the mom who was at her hospital bed, not her dad and his wife, who had been the previous wife’s friend. They split 25 years ago and the hatred that her ex and his wife have for her as the first wife, even after the loss of their daughter, is devastating to me.
I don’t want to enjoy these milestones events in our children’s lives with my ex and the other woman but it sure as heck should be me there and not her and the first consideration should be our children, not ourselves and certainly not the other woman.
There seems to be a hatred in these men who had affairs and they seem to need to direct it towards the wife they left. That might be the narcissism.
How do women who purposely go after married men and break up families manage to feel so comfortable in their snake skin? How do they attend a family event knowing they have no business to be part of that family and knowing they have no right to be there over the mom? If my children’s dad leaves this woman, they will never see her or talk to her again. Does she honestly think my children are happy she is there?
I am 100% confident karma will knock on their door and I am 100% confident that if they have any insight they will know exactly why she has come for them. It has to happen if there will ever be a chance for them to shed their arrogance, acknowledge what they have done, try to make amends genuinely and humbly, change and be better people going forward. They are lost forever if she can’t be bothered to waste her time with them.