adultery, affair, Hawaii, Uncategorized

What Happens in the Pause

I just needed to take a break.

I needed to ignore my overwhelming ‘To Do’ list.

I needed to say “No” to doing anything.

I needed to try to halt my thoughts and clear my mind.  Essentially to not focus, concentrate, reflect or ruminate on anything. To try to stop worrying. I didn’t write about anything.  I tried to let everything flow in and out of my mind without judgment or consideration. I stepped back and I stepped aside.

I needed a hiatus from my friends, my routine and the day to day requirements of my pets and kids.

I needed a different scenario.  An escape.

I just needed to do something that I wanted to do for me for no other purpose than enjoyment. Required respite.

My forced cessation of everything ended with a 3 week vacation.  The first week was spent camping with my youngest daughter and her friend.  I did have a couple of friends at the campsite and a friend who came up to visit for one day.  After a week I returned home to spend a day touring friends from Ontario around Victoria and then the next day I flew to Hawaii for 2 weeks to celebrate my 50th birthday.  I took my kids and I am glad that we were able to share in so many amazing experiences together.  I still think that a week away in the future completely by myself or with one close friend is necessary. The urge to be able to be alone, to eat, sleep, do the things that I want to do when I want to do them without interruption or distraction is such a desire and need in my life right now.  More refreshment should revitalize me further.

On the last day that I spent in Hawaii, I played in the waves all by myself on Hapuna Beach. It is apparently voted the 3rd best family beach in the world. It was a sunny day; no clouds in the sky and the water was so warm with a white sandy bottom. The waves would pull me back and then push me in. It was easy to just float and be lulled by the movement. The beach was long and I started from the middle and went all the way to the left to the Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel and then back to the other side where the rock formations make caves and lava tubes. I made this journey twice. I swam, floated, walked and jumped.  Sometimes it didn’t seem like I was making any progress at all and I just stayed in one spot. Other times, the tide would pull me and I would panic a little if I got too far away from shore. Eventually I made it to where I planned to go.

Hapuna Beach

I returned home with clearer thinking and renewed energy to work toward finishing all the tasks that I need to do to end my marriage and settle our legal matters.

Some things that I noticed during my pause:

  •  I don’t have tolerance for garbage in my life. I am letting people and things go without regret.
  • I say what is on my mind and I am clear with my expectations.
  • I am eager and excited for change, adventurers, new people in my life and new possibilities anywhere they might take me.
  • I am braver and fear little.
  • The scar on my right arm from 3 surgeries for Melanoma, that the specialist I saw in June was concerned continued to be raised and wasn’t flattening despite all the massaging with oils, now lies completely flat and is pain free.
  • A slit in my right thumb nail that has plagued me for the last 10  years with continual breakage down into my nail bed is miraculously healed.  I can’t stop looking at it and rubbing it.  I feel like I am healing all over at the cellular level.
  • I realized that my ex has built his entire world around his work.   He gets all his needs met at the workplace.  All his benefits and money come from his employment. He is fed there, drinks there, gets sex there, the other woman works there, and his 2 best male friends who extend his social life beyond the walls of the office work there.  He has created his work to be his God.




adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, Energy, Healing, separation

My Own, Personal, Shaman

I experienced something quite unique and special.

I had been up since 3:15 a.m.  I had a very busy morning and was coming back from Land’s End into Sidney for a banking appointment. It was 1:00 p.m. and I suddenly needed to eat right away.  I went into one of my favourite, regular, cafes, ordered at the counter and then went to find a seat.  If you don’t arrive at Toast Café in Sidney before noon you are hard-pressed to find a seat, let alone a table. It was after the lunch rush so I was able to find space at a table with some other people.

While I was waiting for my food, a lady walked in and was looking around at my table.  She eyed the seat where I had set my purse and sweater.  There were other seats available including a full bank of stools along a counter looking outside to a gorgeous, sunny day.  She kept staring at the seat beside me so I asked her if she wanted to sit with me.  She said that she did.

She said she felt like she was back travelling when she shared space eating with strangers. I told her about a fond dining memory I had from university. I would visit my boyfriend in Montreal and we would go to this very busy, Jewish. deli with amazing food.  Part of the ambience included sitting at long picnic tables dining with everyone else. It was loud and at first I found it odd and uncomfortable and even annoying to hear other’s conversations and for them to hear mine. It turned out though to be a really fun and energetic way to dine and a great way to meet some interesting people and be part of something bigger than just 2 people eating together.

When our food arrived we had ordered the same thing–vegetarian chili. We talked about random things while enjoying our lunch.  She shared that she lived 50% in Victoria and 50% in Hawaii. She has businesses on both islands working as a spiritual healer.  I was very interested about her Hawaii experiences and her opinion of the best place to live and vacation.  She explained that she had to move back to Victoria because she suffered a serious automobile accident 3 years ago. Then she asked me if I had something traumatic happened to me 3 years ago.

I told her that my husband starting having an affair with another woman around that time. She said, “Yes.  He made you feel very inadequate about all you were doing and weren’t doing. When he got involved with this other woman he brought up her confidence level which in turn elevated his own confidence. It was just energy moving around but our minds interpret it differently.  He still loved you and he was able to live two lives for awhile but the more he focused his energy on her he was no longer able to vibrate any positive energy towards you. You reacted to what you were feeling and then he felt that he had no choice but to make a move. You were completed blind-sided.”

I stared at her dumb-founded.

She said, “I don’t mean to read your aura but you are continuing to be dragged down by him. You need to rid yourself of anything that you have still in your possession that you both shared together.  It all contains negative energy for you. When you do this you will shift to a different level and will realize you want all new things anyways. That includes blankets and towels.  Give that stuff away.”

I do have an excess of blankets and towels.  I gave away so many when I moved but my linen closet overflows.  I went from 4 bathrooms to 1 bathroom and my towels are all in very good condition.  The ones that are more worn I take to yoga with me. I love blankets and I use them all the time but some were my moms or gifts that I am holding on to that I never use. The ones I love and use regularly are on my couch but I have a pile sitting on top of a chair of ones that I might use and still more in a wardrobe just in case. Even my girls have plenty of their own blankets in their room.

She said, “You have daughters,…two.”  I paused to think if I had mentioned this to her. I hadn’t. While I was thinking she said, “The older daughter, she has had trouble.” I named both of my girls, still answering her first statement that I have two daughters. After I said their names she picked my older daughter’s name and said, “She is the one.”  She continued, “She is a lot like you.” After that, I have to say that I don’t remember what specifics she told me about my daughter.  I feel like it should be important for me to remember but I have to say that I was rather in shock she was reciting my life back to me and I wish now I had taken notes or turned on the recorder in my phone.

The other thing that I know she said was that she used to be a financial advisor before working full-time as a healer.  She told me this because she gave me financial advice but I cannot remember what she said. I know she did give me the name of a place to use as storage, Eddy’s,  that she said was cheaper than the locker that I have now to store things like Christmas decorations, sleeping bags, camping items, tools and other things that I don’t use on a daily basis and that I can’t keep stored where I am living.  I feel like she probably told me to just get rid of it all. I am sure she did because she said, “Start now, not a month from now.”

She then said to me, “Do you have sinus problems?” She started to sniff and clear her throat a bit and coughed while rubbing under her eyes.  I said, “I have allergies.” She said that she didn’t have a cold or any sinus issues but she was taking on my symptoms.  I swear I did not sniff once or blow my nose in her presence. She said that it had to do with me needing to rid myself of things.  It was congested energy that needed to be released.

She said that I was very cute.  She said this a couple of times and commented that because I am cute I can hide behind what is really going on.  She said that I don’t ask for help when I really need help. She said, “Because you are cute no one can see your stress.  You don’t show it in your face or with your weight.” I laughed and said, “Oh yes I do. I need to lose 40 lbs. I eat my emotions.” She said, “But you’re cute, you get away with it; however it can still turn into disease for you. Your personality is full of light but darkness is weighing you down. I have a gift and can read this.”

I have to say that I didn’t understand what she was meaning about me being cute and how I am hiding things with “cuteness” but I remembered a text my friend sent me in September that I didn’t understand at the time that read: “Your sweet defensiveness doesn’t fool me, nor do I think you’re aware you even do it. It’s all so natural for you. Years of systematic emotional abuse by Dave…I’m really sorry.”  I went and re-read that text after my encounter with this healer.  In our texting conversation preceding my friend’s remark, I was basically saying that I am fine and she didn’t need to worry about me.

The healer then told me I don’t drink enough water.  I told her I drink a ton of water but it never quenches my thirst. She said, “Stop drinking diet coke and you’ll lose 10 lbs.” That surprised me.  I was not drinking diet coke with my meal so there was no way for her to know that. I told her I crave it constantly. She asked me how many I drink a day and told me that it is my ego that wants diet coke and not to give in.  She said that she knows I eat really healthy and she can see I am trying. She told me to go for walks, give away my excess towels and blankets, go cold turkey on the diet coke and I will lose the weight.

My new friend told me when I start to think of my ex that I should move my eyes from side to side as though I am wiping a slate clean.  She said that will erase any memories.  She told me not to do it too quickly or I could have a nervous break down.

She told me that she oddly gave up a $200 appointment with a cancer patient she is working with in order to come into the café.  She spoke to her on the phone and gave her some advice but told her she sounded good, was making progress and didn’t really need the appointment anyway until after she worked on implementing some of the advice she was given over the phone. She said that she tries to get her clients first to do as much work on their own as they can and then she comes to help with the rest.  She told her cancer patient that she had to cancel their appointment because she really needed to eat something. She said that she didn’t think our meeting was just by chance. I believe that as well.

She told me that she is a First Nations shaman. Her name is Cheryl Dawn. She said that she has the gift of being able to read people and provide healing. She told me some of the different things that she does using Reiki and crystals. I asked if she had a card. She shared some of the events she had coming up and I thought one of her group activities might be something worth exploring. I will contact her again, however, I know I better get rid of towels and blankets before I do!