adultery, affair, cheating, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, infidelity, parenting after separation, rejection, selfishness, separation, single parent

Dad/Daughter Time and the Other Woman?

When my ex and I lived together, in marriage, with our 2 children, we enjoyed a variety of family activities every week. We also recognized that it was important for us, within that week, to have one-on-one time with each other, no kids. As well, we both agreed that within that week, it was important for both of us to spend individual time with each of our daughters, “dates”, separately. That personal relationship with each of our children was so important and foundational for building our individual relationships with them.

So why is it that my ex saw the value of spending one-on-one time with each of his daughters when he lived with them and he saw them every day but cannot spend time alone with them now when he sees them at best once/week? When that time is so little, why does Janice Andrews feel the need to inject herself in the midst of their relationship especially when it is the only time that my daughter has to see her dad (his choice, not hers)?

Lately, if my daughter does see her dad, it is to go for a walk. Three weeks ago she told me she was meeting her dad at 1 pm. I was shocked when she walked back through the door and it was 1:37 pm. I asked if her dad bailed on her but she said, “No, he came.” And then she asked me if we could go to Starbucks. I commented, “Well that was a pretty quick walk. Why didn’t you ask dad to go to Starbucks?” She had no answer. And of course I took her to Starbucks.

Her dad doesn’t even come and pick her up for their date. Our house is on the way to the beach where they walk. If Covid is the excuse they can each wear masks in his vehicle and even roll down the window. It is a short drive down the street. My daughter drives to meet him and he had her doing this as soon as she got her license which was pre-covid. I asked if he wears his mask when they walk together and she said that he doesn’t but Janice does because she has compromised health. So why does Janice Andrews even bother to go?

This women has proven time and time again that she is nothing but incredibly selfish and self-centered. She has no children so maybe she is just clueless. Maybe she is jealous; maybe she is insecure. Who knows? This is a woman who pursued a married man with kids, had no problem tearing apart a family, and invited my ex back to her house while her husband was away and slept with him in their bed. She is morally inept. I don’t know if she is amoral or immoral but this woman is base. I am guessing she celebrated Valentine’s Day with her husband in 2013 because mine celebrated with me, even though they also celebrated together on that weekend. She went to a Valentine’s dinner with my husband who gave her a gift that she asked him to exchange because she wanted a different, more expensive, Pandora charm than the one he gave her. So yep, this is a woman who cannot allow a dad a half hour walk with his daughter without creeping along beside them because some how it has to do with her.

My ex didn’t see my daughter for another 2 weeks. On the third week they walked again, exact same scenario, same place, same time, same masked Janice towing along, and my daughter was home at 2:00 p.m. If I hadn’t been heading out the door, I would have gone to Starbucks again with her because I feel like the time she spends with her dad and Janice just leaves her empty.

I have dated men with children and men that actually live with their kids or at least have them one week on and one week off. A man who does not have a relationship with his children is a huge red flag for me. I have never interfered with any activities that these dads and their kids were doing together. As as matter of fact, of these men, I have only been involved with the minor child of one. When I was dating a man who lived with his daughter I would go to their place and sometimes have dinner with them. The daughter came to my place at least once because she wanted to ask me if I would look after her cats for a couple of days. I helped them with a garage sale. I went with her dad to see where she worked as he was dropping off lunch for her (she gave me a tour) and I went with her dad to cheer her on at one sporting event, and that was it over a 2-year period. He got plenty of one-on-one time with his daughter, I never made it about me, and he saw her every day.

It could very well be that my ex knows he has been a shit dad and is just putting his time card in the slot to check off that he saw his kid, in case someone asks. It is a superficial relationship at best that he has single handedly destroyed with betrayal, maltreatment, callousness and neglect. He does not know his daughter and maybe it is extremely awkward and uncomfortable for him to be alone with her. Or maybe he and Janice have great plans on Sunday and have places to go before and after he checks off “dad stuff”. Janice certainly couldn’t just drive herself to meet him afterwards. It is okay for my daughter to have to do that but not for Janice.

Regardless, it is always now just about him; just about them. Mr. Dolittle with his masked Ms. Didenough.

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6 thoughts on “Dad/Daughter Time and the Other Woman?

  1. I can’t stop thinking about this. 😡

    I feel for your daughter. My heart hurts for her. Our kids lose so much.

    But he should send shufflin’ Janice to the side. Just sit her down and spend some time with his daughter.

    I had a friend going through this at the same time I was. It blew my mind that every time her husband came over to see the kids, his side chick would blow up his phone the entire time. She also did not have children and honestly, it looks like a pattern with these guys. Why can’t they stand up for their kids? Makes no sense to me.

    The woman my husband was having an affair with also had no children. I don’t know if during their affair she made any demands on him and his time.

    I don’t know… your story just has me pissed off. So many men do this, I just don’t get it.

    • Thank you for sharing your trigger to my post.

      My ex used to love to say to me and to our girls that he left me, not them, but his actions confirmed that is so untrue. He left the life he knew so he could party and have no responsibilities. It was the classic mid-life crisis.

      I constantly did whatever I reasonably could to get him to see our girls but he always chose himself over them. He never wanted a custody agreement because he didn’t want to to be tied to having to care for his children. He would say he would take them for one day of the week and on a particular weekend but he cancelled often, sometimes just didn’t show up and other times would see them for just a couple of hours over the entire weekend. Even though we had an agreement for him to pay for support and some special expenses like our daughter’s dance, I had to take him to court to get him to meet his financial obligations. Even though we had agreements for things like him paying his share of my daughter’s dance expenses, he found a loophole in the wording and got out of paying that. There are still items that were incurred after our last court application was filed that he said he would cover his share but has not. He did great damage to the relationship with his daughters as a result. He continues to choose himself over whatever is best for our girls.

      With respect to Janice, he cast a wide net with his flirtation and pursuit of extra-marital affairs. He continued to fish for women at least for 10 months after we separated while he was still with Janice. I managed to get access to his messages for that long and was able to see what he was doing before we separated and afterwards. I knew I didn’t have the full story. Reading the messages he was sending to other women and the way he was talking to friends, helped me to learn the truth and made it easier to decide to let go of the relationship. He was so deceitful and so gross in his pursuit of whatever he was looking for. I believe that Janice having no kids was a huge draw along with her willingness to be the kind of person that he was being. I am confident though that he is still sending out vibes that he is open to other encounters and possible relationships.

      He got together with my daughter on Sunday and again Janice was there. They couldn’t walk because my ex had a flare up of his gout so they just sat at a picnic table and talked. I cannot imagine intruding on that time with any man and his child especially when this is it, 30 – 45 minutes max, for at least another week.

      My daughter went to Starbucks first and picked up her own drink and then met them. That is what helped to make her time more bearable, having something that she loves to drink. It certainly isn’t as though she has or would ever have a relationship with Janice outside of her dad. If he leaves Janice, my daughter will never see her or talk to her again.

      For these types of men, who leave their families for women, sex, partying, etc. they don’t stand up for their kids because the sad truth is that their kids are not their priority. What ever is feeding their need is all that matters. They left the kids to do what they wanted for themselves. They don’t want to go back to the kids as long as they are being fed in a way that satisfies their desires. My ex literally was not feeding his kids. He isn’t going to stop to pick them up a Starbucks for them to enjoy together. He doesn’t care what my daughter wants to do and who she wants to do it with. It is all about him. He picks the activity, he picks the day, he picks the time (I always ask what time she is meeting him to plan my day around her schedule but she doesn’t know until she hears from him).

      My daughter will be heading to university in September, out of province, so their time to be able to get together is coming to an end. Why would he not want to take advantage and try to repair and rebuild the relationship while the opportunity is still available? A/ He has never had it in him to acknowledge what he has done, accept responsibility and try to heal that in any way that is uncomfortable for him. B/ It doesn’t matter to him. He has moved on. C/ She has been raised to leave. Kids are meant to leave their parents to start their own lives. He is focusing on the one that he is raising to stay with him.

      As a dad, he has nothing much to offer. His daughters may feel differently as they want more and think he just isn’t giving it but I have seen him in situations where is he is not comfortable. He has no empathy and cannot find it in himself to respond compassionately in those situations. He may be relying on Janice as someone else who can carry on the conversation. He may not feel good about himself when he is with her. I would think that every time he does see her it may bring up guilt and self-loathing. He left an 11 year old who is now 18. He missed a lot, I would say everything. He doesn’t know her. He wasn’t there for her. My girls don’t know him as a father in the relationship aspect of that role. It is a shallow relationship. My daughter, I am certain, would love more but he seems to have nothing to give.

  2. I feel like he brings his partner because if he didn’t, your daughter may feel like she could ask real questions and expect him to address his life. With her there it makes it awkward and potentially rude in your daughters perception to discuss these things.

    She’s literally a buffer and fluffer to keep it superficial because this man doesn’t want to have to discuss real things.

    I hope you are well, I hope your skin followups and such are still ok.

    • Thank you. I actually see my skin cancer doctor again this week. I only have to go annually now.

      It is interesting now that my youngest is 19. We had a real talk about her dad when I was taking her to university. We never talk about him. The one thing that struck me from the way my daughter described his language is that he is incapable of even acknowledging the affair. He can’t name it or take responsibility for it. He calls it “stuff” as in “stuff happens”.

      I hope that you are doing well, too.

      • Yeh. The emotional intelligence and maturity of a 12 year old, that’s why he needs someone there. He can’t relate and doesn’t really want to.

        I am sending you big strong thoughts of continued skin health. I worry about my parents because they still love to basically bake in the sun during the summer. Not in bathing suits they just sit on their deck and read for hours and I am all for vitamin D but … scary. I am a vampire, I always wear spf 50, I am terrified of skin cancer and your experience kindof sits in the back of my brain as a warning that I am right to be cautious. Oy! I am glad your bout has been won, and I will celebrate when you get to your 5 years clear!

        Im good. I am still not divorced but I am happy, and holy crap it feels nice

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