adultery, affair, anger, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, Janice Andrews, rejection, single parent

Company BBQ versus Daughter

At 2:45 p.m. today my 16-year old daughter angrily stormed through the door demanding if I had checked my phone. I told her that I had just walked in following my meeting with MLA,  Adam Olsen, regarding the housing crisis in our area. She knew that after I dropped her off at the dance studio at 10:00 a.m. that I was going to the vet to pick up pet food and then heading to a round table community discussion prior to our MLA heading back to the provincial fall legislature.  My daughter was working at the dance studio assisting in 2 Acro classes and having lunch with her dad afterwards.

“Well dad stranded me at the studio, ” she announced.  It was the last class and she had no bus ticket and no money and no one there to drive her home. The person she was assisting did lend her bus money but now she hadn’t eaten, had to get ready to leave for work in less than an hour and had been fighting a cold for the week that had left her with little sleep.

I try to have as little contact with my ex as possible but standing up for my children is one area that I get involved.  This is the email that I sent him:

“It is unfortunate that after all these years you still choose to spend weekends that are set aside for you to be with your children to do your own thing.

I dropped Lauren off at the dance studio this morning and she said that you were picking her up for lunch. She just walked in the door to say that she was “stranded” at the studio. She had no bus tickets, no money and you chose to go to Parksville instead of picking her up.

It is yet another time that you let (our daughter) down and failed to honour your commitment.

His response:

“Get the facts straight before you open your mouth yet again. (Our daughter) told me last night she was done at 12:30. We were going to have lunch and then I was going to Parksville for my company BBQ. She texted at 11:45 to say oops I gave you the wrong time I’m actually not done until 1:30. I told her that would be a bit late for me as I was hoping to be on the road by 1:30-2pm. She said she could get a ride with Jade. I asked her to make sure she had one and she said she did.

So long and short is you’re misinformed….again.”

My response:

“Exactly my point. You choose to leave Lauren stranded because of what you were hoping to do to make your life easier to suit your plans. If you cared anything about her and spending time with her you would have said that was okay. Really, a whole hour is going to mess up your important company BBQ plans? Do you know how many people I know that don’t go to personal functions because they choose to be with their children instead? Do you have any idea how many events I have not been able to attend because I am a single mom first and that is pretty much 100% of the time even if you pretend to be involved for an hour/week. Because of your response she was not going to contact you back regardless of her situation as she cannot count on her dad to be there for her. How many times does she really want to be rejected by you and feel like she is your burden? She did not have a ride with Jade because Jade was babysitting right after teaching. How do you think it makes her feel to have you set aside a whole hour to spend time with her (12:30 to 1:30 was your plan right?). Not very special I suspect. And then for her to feel like even for an hour she is an inconvenience to your plans. She said that she just assumed that I would come for her because I always come for her (she doesn’t know how many dropped plans I have had to do because I would never say, “I was hoping to not get you so I could do this instead.”) Who says that to their kids? Who tries to make their kids feel like an inconvenience? I am always there for her to pick up when you bail or when you never make plans with her on your weekend in the first place, but unfortunately I was in a meeting with Adam Olsen and did not have my phone on. I shouldn’t have to feel badly because I wasn’t there for her when her father was supposed to be there. Thankfully, Jade had $2.50 to lend her to take the bus. I really hope that at the very least, as an apology, you will buy her a sheet of bus tickets, and give those to her telling her to set them aside for every time you fail to show up as planned.

 

 

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adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, in-laws, Janice Andrews, other woman, rejection

Saying “NO!” to a parent has bigger meaning

My younger daughter said to me on Wednesday night, “I was with dad from 5:15 p.m. until 8:30 p.m.”  She said that was the longest amount of time she had been with him and that it was awkward.  He picked her up at our home and then they picked up my other daughter at her work and went to the mall to look into my older daughter’s phone issues and to have dinner.  Three hours with their dad that involved about 1 hour of driving time to various places seemed so out of the ordinary to her that it was note worthy for her to mention it.

I asked her if she looked for the shoes and pants that she wanted for back to school when they were at the mall.  She said that she would not shop with her dad.  He has tried to buy her things in the past.  Once when they were in Vancouver she said he kept offering to buy this and that but she said, “No” to everything. When they were in Ontario this summer she had forgot her sunglasses and he offered to buy her a $40 pair because he felt she needed them and he told her that they looked good on her.  She wanted them as well but she refuses to let her dad think he can buy her things and some how that will make up for everything he took from her.  She would also never tell him what she really needs.

Janice, it was pointed out to me, is quite happy on the other hand for Dave to buy her everything. The only thing my daughter said that she has ever seen her buy in 5 plus years is an Imax movie ticket because she has a pass.  It is like my daughter feels as dirty as his whore if he spends money on her.  She does not want to be that person. She is the Taurus of the family and is very bull-headed and strong in her convictions. She is insightful and I am very proud of her for making a stand and putting up a boundary that she considers important to how she feels about herself and her relationship with her father.  Although when I reflect, I think that her saying “No” to him is her way of rejecting him. She is rejecting him the way he has done to her and continues to do to her on various levels.

On Saturday, she and I were about to go for a hike with our dog.  My older daughter came up and said, “Dad is picking us up at noon for lunch.”  My younger daughter was annoyed, “Why didn’t he text me to tell me?”  My older daughter remarked that he texted her and probably assumed that she would just tell her.  She looked at me and asked if she should still go on the hike or just stay at home and get ready.  I told her it wasn’t even 10:00 a.m. so we had time to go for a short hike. I got her back by 11:00 a.m. only for her to be told by her sister that their dad didn’t know she would be going for lunch too and he didn’t think he would be able to get her back in time to work at 4:00 p.m.  Now my younger daughter was even more annoyed.  She said to me, “Good thing I didn’t decide to not go on the hike.”  I felt so badly for her that I said that I would take her for lunch.  We left before her dad arrived.

That night she told me that she arranged to work during the school year on Wednesday and Saturday nights. Wednesday is the only night she doesn’t dance during the week and is the night that she usually has dinner with her dad. She told me, “I probably won’t be seeing dad at all next year.”  I suggested that maybe her dad would pick her up earlier after school on a night that she starts dance a little later so she can have a bite to eat with him and I reminded her that he would probably still try to pick her up every other Friday for dinner and maybe a lunch every other Saturday or Sunday.

The other thing she told me that seemed to bother her was that when she was in Ontario with Dave and his parents over the summer her nanny, Dave’s mom, said to her, “Your mom will always be my daughter-in-law but your dad is my son”, and then she hugged him.  I even cringed when she told me that happened because his mom told me as well that I would always be their daughter-in-law. She just skipped the part about putting her cheating son on a pedestal.  Regardless, they were just empty words.  There is zero relationship.  Twenty three years of fakeness because if there was any love or care for me and my children I would hear from them. To my daughter, she just heard her grandmother say that I am less than when I am the most important person in her life. Does she hear her grandmother say that she would choose her son over her, too?  What does that teach my child about love; who is worthy of her love and why (full blood relation, number of years known) when my daughter has experienced love and what must feel like hate and knows the truth about which parent has always been there for her and which parent rejected her.

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