abuse, adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, divorce, infidelity

Rough Rebound

My neighbour invited me out before Christmas.  It might have even been October or November but I was busy and not really interested.  After his first instigation, he followed it up with things like, “You have a great smile” and I can’t even remember what else he said to me but I would just say, “Thank you” and leave it at that.  Then he found me on Facebook.  He said he was surprised he found me without knowing my last name but it was the first profile that popped up. I never did approve his friend request but he was there when things ended with Gordon so I agreed to go to one of the pubs in our neighbourhood for wings and beer.

It was an easy date.  The conversation flowed freely and it was fun and light-hearted.  I liked that he is friends with his ex who also lives in the area. He goes over regularly to her place to pick up their dog for walks and lets himself in with a hidden key, with her permission.  He spends time regularly with his daughter and son and had just spent $800 buying his daughter knew glasses earlier than his 2 year medical plan allowed because her prescription had changed so drastically over a 4-month period.  He said he paid his ex more spousal than she had asked for because he didn’t think it was enough and they had no legal intervention.  He just seemed to do what was right. His older daughter went to school with my daughter for 4 years although my daughter was in the English program and his was in the French program so they only knew of each other.  My younger daughter is at the same school as his younger son. We have a couple of friends in common.  We walk our dogs at the same park.

The commonality was also a negative for me.  I didn’t like that he knew where I lived.  I never did allow him to come to my house to pick me up, drop me off or come in. I kind of regretted that he knew my typical morning routine and that I had to drive by his place almost every day.

We went out for dinner and lunches maybe 4 more times after our first date.  I went to his place a couple of times and we watched movies. We also met at the park to walk our dogs.

What I noticed the first date was that he had a bit of an edge.  I couldn’t label it initially.  He described himself as “opinionated” but to me it was more negative than just having a strong opinion. Then it crept into conversations more as he let his guard down.  He seemed to have a beef with a lot of people including family, friends and coworkers.  He made a comment that only one of his wife’s friends still talked to him. It made me wonder what he did to make his wife’s friends dislike him so much. He swore he was never unfaithful. He also told me that the husband of one of our mutual friends would turn away if he saw him.  Another red flag when men don’t seem to like him either.

I am close friends with the local mechanic. I know him and his wife personally and I trust him professionally to service my vehicle.  So when my new neighbour/date told me to have nothing to do with the guy because he would rip me off I knew his view was jaded and I told him my experience.  I have referred lots of people to his auto body and I have never heard any negative complaint. I even know the other mechanic that works for him and am friends with his mother. They are so knowledgeable, love vehicles, have a strong faith in God so I am confident in their advice as being for me and not for them.

My neighbour/date knew the servers and bar tenders in the pub and they knew him by  name.  I wondered how much of a drinker he was although when we were together he didn’t have more than 2 beers. One night we split a bottle of wine. When we went for sushi he ordered tea for us so he didn’t always need to drink.   He did drunk text me a couple of times.

One day when we were walking our dogs together my dog stopped in front of him.  He commented about how annoying that was to him.  When my dog did it again he grabbed me by the shoulders and moved me over to where he was walking, switching sides with me saying that if my dog was going to do that he could do it to me and not him.  I nudged him back jokingly, trying to lighten his mood, telling him he almost put me in the snow bank.  He then assured me that if he wanted me to be in the snow bank that I would be in the snowbank. I shut down immediately and I would say our relationship never recovered after that.

I met him one last time for dog walking. Not only did he knee my dog when he stopped in front of him but when a stranger’s dog ran over to play with our dogs and in the course of the dog’s excitement knocked into my neighbour, he kicked the dog angrily.  I was completely shocked. That was it right then and there.  I walked away on a different path than him back to my car.  He caught up to me in the open area leading to the parking lot but we said nothing to each other. When I got into my car he said, “I thought I was taking you to lunch.” I told him I had things to do.

He texted a couple of hours later saying, “Sorry about today.  I was frustrated.  I’m cursed when it comes to other dogs.  I almost got knocked over several times.” I didn’t respond.  He texted me later telling me to have a good night.

Two days later he showed up at the dog park at 8:00 a.m. during my typical dog walking routine, right after I drop my daughter off at school. I felt a pit in my stomach.  He never came to the park at that time. I did not want to see him or talk to him.  I was far away and wondered if he even saw me.  I noticed his dog first and then saw his orange jacket but he was a distance away.  I do think my dog went over to see his dog but I kept walking and pretended I didn’t notice. When I got to my car his truck wasn’t parked there so I was relieved thinking he may not have even saw me.

An hour and half later he texted, “Enjoy your walk?” I felt sick to my stomach. He then said, “Sorry I didn’t stick around to say hello. Not feeling well.”  That made two of us. I wasn’t going to respond but then I was almost afraid not to say anything.  The problem with us living in the same neighbourhood is that we are bound to run into each other, especially if he was going to be intentional about it.  5 1/2 hours after he texted all I said was that I hoped he was feeling better. He engaged some more saying that he ended up spending the day with his daughter but I did not respond further and I haven’t heard anything from him since. That was 3 days ago and we are just coming off a long weekend. I am going back to my dog walking routine tomorrow and I am just hoping he realizes I am not interested in even being friends so that he stays far away from me.

 

 

 

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affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, deceit, ego, ex spouse, infidelity, lies, marriage breakdown, other woman, separation

The Girl on the Train

My 14-year old announced this week that she wanted to read The Girl on the Train.

I was excited for her to declare that she wanted to read anything.  She doesn’t enjoy reading. I have bought many books on many subjects and ones she has chose that she thinks she might be interested to read but the cover is never cracked or she can’t make it past the first chapter.

She went on to tell me that her teacher has the book in their Grade 9 classroom but that she needs parental consent before being able to sign it out as the teacher described the content as “edgy”.

I loved reading the same books as my older daughter. That started when she was 10.  She is a voracious reader and it gave us a bond we share today recommending and discussing literature with each other.  So I suggested to my 14-year old that we go to Costco and buy the book so that I can read it first. Then if I think the subject matter appropriate she can read it next.

When she found the book at Costco the first thing she did was exactly what her dad does–flip to the back to see how many pages. My ex wasn’t a reader before meeting me. When he finally joined me reading in bed before we turned out the lights, if a book had more than 180 pages, regardless of how great the story was supposed to be, he refused to read it.

My daughter moaned about it’s thickness and small print. I admonished her to put the book in the cart before she saw the 395 pages.

As I start to read the book tonight, one theme is clear: infidelity.

When the main character finds out that the wife of a couple she admires is having an affair she reacts:  “I can’t believe it.  I snatch air into my lungs and realize that I’ve been holding my breath.  Why would she do that?…I can’t believe she would do that to him, he doesn’t deserve that.  I feel a real sense of disappointment.  I feel as though I have been cheated on.  A familiar ache fills my chest.  I have felt this way before.  On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain.  You don’t forget it.”

“I found out the same way everyone seems to find out these days: an electronic slip. Sometimes its a text or a voice mail message: in my case it was an email, the modern-day lipstick on the collar….Once, I answered his phone when he was in the shower and he got quite upset and accused me of not trusting him. I felt awful because he seemed so hurt…There was a message at the top….I clicked. XXXXX.  That was it, just a line of X’s. I thought it was spam at first, until I realized that they were kisses…It was a reply to a message he’d sent a few hours before, just after seven, when I was still slumbering in our bed.”

Her husband’s message to the other woman was in a folder marked ‘Admin.’ and it read:  “I fell asleep last night thinking of you.  I was dreaming about kissing your mouth, your breasts, the inside of your thighs.  I woke this morning with my head full of you, desperate to touch you.  Don’t expect me to be sane. I can’t be, not with you.”

The main character discovered “that my husband was in love with her.  He told her so, often.  He told her that he’d never felt like this before, that he couldn’t wait to be with her, that it wouldn’t be long until they could be together.”

Witnessing the wife she admires with another man evoked these feelings in her: ” I don’t have words to describe what I felt that day (the discovery of her own husband’s betrayal), but now, sitting on the train I am furious, nails digging into my palms, tears stinging my eyes.  I feel a flash of intense anger. I feel as though something has been taken away from me.  How could she? How could Jess do this?  What is wrong with her ?  Look at the life they have, look at how beautiful it is!  I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts.  Who was it who said that following your heart is a good thing?  It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all.  Hatred floods me.  If I saw that woman now, if I saw Jess, I would spit in her face.  I would scratch her eyes out.”

Her response when the Other Woman contacts her complaining that it is an inconvenience when she calls her ex is this: “Fucking bitch.  She is a cuckoo laying her egg in my nest. She has taken everything from me. She has taken everything and now she calls me to tell me that my distress is inconvenient for her?…I am going to tell her that I don’t care about her…I’m going to tell her that the line he used with her–don’t expect me to be sane–he used it with me, too, when we were first together; he wrote it in a letter to me, declaring his undying passion.  It’s not even his line: he stole it from Henry Miller. Everything she has is second hand.”

My daughter was just 11 when I found out about her dad’s affair.  She has her own strong opinions about her dad and the other woman which I tend to learn about indirectly. It is usually when she talks to her sister about them in my presence or when she talks to me about her best friend’s cheating dad and that other woman.

This is just the first 43 pages and I’ve read 60.  The plot is thickening and the characters are developing.  I promise not to reveal any spoilers.

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, disappointment, ex spouse, infidelity, Janice Andrews, marriage, separatiion, the other woman

Crappy Dance Dad

Dance competition season is here.

My 13-year old daughter competed on Friday performing her Jazz solo routine.  She came in second place and she won the Spirit Award.  Her dad was a no-show.

Tonight after her competition she asked me, “Was Janice there?”

I said, “I don’t know, was your dad there because I didn’t see him?”  She said, “I thought I saw Janice and it made me almost mess up my tap routine.”

While we were driving home her dad texted her and said, “Were you happy with your jazz routine?”

She texted back, “Did you see it?”

She then told him that if he had been there he would have heard the adjudicators give her individualized, very specific critiques about both of her tap and jazz solo routines. He would have heard that they only hand out 2 prizes, first and second place.  He would have seen her receive the second place award.  He would have seen her receive roses from the judges. He would have learned that first place and second place are now moving on to compete at Provincials.  He would have learned that his daughter achieved one of her goals and desires and is invited to Provincials for the first time in her life.

My daughter was congratulated by so many people.  People were taking her photo and photos of the first and second place winners. Her dad was not one of those people. He texted saying, “I didn’t stay because I just thought there were going to be comments and I didn’t know there were going to be awards.”

I was trying not to express how angry I was by his texts as she read them to me. I could hear her disappointment that her dad might have been there but couldn’t even be bothered to stay until the end. I thought, “I have been with her at dance from 10:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. today and you couldn’t bother to sit through commentary by very prestigious and accomplished judges specifically about your daughter’s dancing ability during her solos?”

Of all the times to bring the other woman because it just makes her look too uninterested to stay and that her dad once again put this woman as priority over her.  My daughter tried to protect her dad and make excuses for him by saying, “He probably left so Janice didn’t have to see you.” I didn’t respond.  I’ve been going through this for 3 years.  I have so much compassion for my daughter right now. I felt her sadness and disappointment. The highest dance honour she has received will be another reminded of her dad’s absence. I don’t need to reason with my child.  She knows the truth. I just vent here instead and her dad just puts more distance in his relationship with her.

I really tried hard not to let her dad’s indifference overshadow her amazing experience.  I took her to get a treat to celebrate and we focused on talking about all the great things that happened today at the competition.  I am so proud of her.  I am so proud of how hard she has worked for this and didn’t give up when she was feeling discouraged about her routine. I am so grateful that I was able to be there to share in her joy and to be part of her life and that she knows that.

We are back at it tomorrow from 8:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. as my daughter competes in all 3 sessions, morning, afternoon and evening, with her group dances. I am so tired but I am so lucky!

 

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adultery, affair, anger, bullying, children, difficult personality, infidelity, narcissism, separatiion

When Will I Learn?

Thank you for those who responded to my post “He is the Dick in Ridiculous” with your comments about not being able to be nice to a narcissist because they take advantage, they don’t care about specific details, they don’t care about others, that my ex doesn’t care about me and unfortunately our kids are included in this, that I need to avoid all contact with him and WHEN WILL I LEARN?

Okay, lesson learned.  I think my youngest daughter has learned, too.  I think she learned the lesson before I did.  The number of times that her dad has let her down and not kept his word is likely the reason she asks me to follow up with him on her behalf. In an effort to protect her,  to be her advocate and to try to get her dad to do right by her I have contacted him on her behalf but it isn’t working for anyone.  It leaves us all frustrated–me, my daughter, my ex and anyone who gets in the cross-fire and ends up as a victim of us making plans and commitments based o my ex’s word.

Here is where it stands. He didn’t give my daughter the raffle ticket stubs and money as promised when he picked her up on Saturday night.  She has 8 people who have given her money to buy them tickets.  She has had to tell them that she can’t get them their tickets until her dad returns the ones that he has and that “he keeps forgetting.”

When she came home last night without the tickets and money I told our daughter that she needed to contact him to see if she can get the tickets Sunday.  She did and he never responded.  In the morning I asked her if she heard from her dad.  She said that he wouldn’t respond because he is going to a Super Bowl party.  I told her that the party would be in the afternoon.  It is 9:00 a.m. so to follow up with her dad and that we could go and pick up the tickets at 11. Two hours later when he still hadn’t responded I sent him a text and asked if we could pick up the tickets today. If people weren’t counting on my daughter to return the tickets and to get them tickets I wouldn’t care but there is a chain of people that are trying to help my daughter and it is reflecting poorly on her. It looks like she is the one making excuses and being too lazy to do her job of selling, collecting and returning.

He told me that our daughter should have reminded him last night.  In his next text he reiterated that if it was so important to her she should have reminded him.  In his text after that he said it wasn’t a big deal and that she would get them.  In his text after that he said I should have reminded him yesterday and texted something to him when she was with him.  In a text after that he said he had plans today and couldn’t go to the office to get them.  When I questioned that he didn’t even have the tickets with him while he was with her he texted back that they were going to go by his office after dinner to get them but “we forgot.”  So I suggested that our daughter expected then that when he was driving her after dinner that he was going to his office to get the tickets.  He said I was putting words in his mouth and that he and my daughter never discussed the tickets.

Amongst all of this, instead of just saying, “Sorry I forgot.  It has been a week since I have been promising to get the ticket stubs and money returned, how, where and when can I meet our daughter to give her what she needs.”  I get this: “I sold 12 books”, “All you look for is the negative.  Change the narrative and you might change your life to something more positive” , “It’s just another talking point for you to blab on about negative. When does it ever stop you being the kind of person you are”, “You spin anything to negative when you have a chance”, “It’s a nice day. Relax and enjoy”, “No one told me about deadlines”, “So typical of you to blame others specifically me for everything”, “You’ve lost it”, “You’d think the world was going to come to an end with these tickets and your misplaced anger”, “You can come by my office for 3 pm”, “You aren’t directing me to do anything”, “Who do you think you are. It’s none of your business”, “It has nothing to do with you”, “You like telling everyone what to do and say”, “You are so predictable. Every time there is a family event you are no longer a part of you always find some way to get angry and start fights, send emails or texts with some negative message. You really should see someone about your anger issues towards me. It’s really pretty sad”, “Look at your history Robbie Liz. Every time family things happen you go off the deep end”, “So typical of you to threaten”, “Come to my office at 3 or tomorrow. Those are your only options”, “It’s no wonder (daughter) feels stressed. You continue to try and throw her into things”, “Wakey, wakey Robbie. Maybe the problem is you because you are around her day to day”, “The only things that matters is you getting some mental help so you don’t continue to project onto others. Particularly our children”, “Please do the rest of us a favour and get the help you need.”

The only thing I focused on in all of his noise was a day, place and time to get the tickets. Today at 3 from his office. I suggested that he respond to our daughter about this arrangement and if he did that I would be happy to bring her there to meet him to get her tickets back.  My daughter came and told me that he responded. All she knows is that she asked her dad about getting the tickets back, he responded positively and her mom is going to drive her to get them.  All is well in her world right now.

Lesson learned.  No more favours to my ex, no more interceding for my kids for any reason, no more contact except for documenting for legal purposes.

 

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, children, difficult personality, Dr. Craig Malkin, marriage, narcissism, parenting

When to Walk Away and the Hot Potato Pass

According to Dr. Craig Malkin, author of “Rethinking Narcissism” as per the video I recently watched, there are stop signs and reasons to leave a relationship with a narcissist.

Dr. Malkin says that the normal impulse is to run away from people like this and often that is a good idea.  If someone is physically or emotional abusive that is a reason to leave and you may need professional help to get out.  If they are in denial and can’t even say, “I think there is something wrong, I am having trouble here and it’s not going to get better”, that is a reason to leave.  The third stop sign is if you see a pattern of remorseless lies and deceit.  This can be a sign of severe psychopathy and they can be dangerous. You may require help to leave. I experienced everything mentioned at some point during my relationship with my husband.  The physical abuse was a one time incident prior to getting married but it was significant.   He grabbed my throat with both his hands and I scratched his face to get away. We were living in a condo at the time and we were in the end unit by the stairwell.  He threw all my clothes down the stairs. I was wearing only a bathrobe and went to retrieve my clothes when he locked me out of our suite.

Dr. Malkin indicates that Narcissists depend on feeling special to feel good, to soothe themselves in a variety of ways instead of depending on people. He suggests that you can find out if the narcissist in your life has a capacity to share more vulnerable feelings and experience empathy, care and concern, if you open up and are vulnerable around them.  My experience leads me to believe that my husband learned how he should act in certain situations.  I believe he had an intellectual sense that he should be saying and doing something caring when in fact he didn’t feel those feelings.  Anything deep and personal that I shared or displayed making me vulnerable only proved to me that he had no capacity for empathy, care or concern. I then learned to protect myself from additional hurt and rejection by keeping my true needs and feelings to myself.

Examples of why I did this is because I remember very specific times when my husband was so cold to me that the rejection and lack of care cut deeply.

There were 2 incidents that I recall before we got married. We were making Valentine’s Day dinner when I cut my finger very seriously. I went to the bathroom to run it under cold water. He came to see how it was and he accused me of squeezing it to make it bleed and to make it look worse. I was doing the opposite by trying to stop the bleeding. We did in fact end up in Emergency and I required stitches.  Another time was when we played baseball together.  I fell and broke my foot.  I couldn’t get up and everyone came over from both teams to help me.  Every single person on my team came except Dave. I was carried off the field and had to go to Emergency again.  He drove me there. I eventually needed surgery on my foot.  I had a huge cast and was taking Oxycontin.  They wouldn’t even let him pick up the prescription because of the seriousness of medication and the doctor had to be called. I couldn’t get up and walk alone and I was in so much pain but completely stoned from the meds. He left me the next day to go and play golf. I remember it was later in the afternoon when he came home. I was in tears trying to get up just to go to the bathroom and I couldn’t even get to the kitchen to get any food or drink.

After we had been married for about 7 years, I remember sobbing in the tub on my dad’s birthday, 4 months after he passed.  It was 3 weeks after 911 and I was 2 months pregnant (had just had a miscarriage before my dad’s sudden death from a head-injury after a fall) and I was feeling very emotional. Dave heard me and never came to see if I was okay. He made some comment afterwards and I told him it was my dad’s birthday. He just said sorry he didn’t remember but that was it.

I remember during the birth of our second child that I was feeling really badly because my husband was complaining at the hospital that it was cold, he had sore feet and that he had to help transfer me to the gurney to take me to the operating room. I remember feeling so guilty that I couldn’t push the baby out quick enough to ease his discomfort and annoyances.

After the birth of our second daughter he was so mad that I needed him to stay in the hospital with me overnight to help me get the baby in the night to feed her and change her.  I just had a C-section. I begged and insisted he had to stay. He refused to stay the second night  and he made me feel so badly for needing his help that I was fine with him leaving.

When I came home from the hospital, I was sobbing. They wanted me to stay in longer (I was definitely struggling physically following the surgery, had breast feeding issues and had passed some very large blood clots. The one my husband saw and the nurse noted was the size of a grapefruit. I thought my whole insides were falling out. I was also showing signs of post partum depression) but I felt I would be better at home as I got no sleep in the hospital. Before we arrived home, I needed items for me and the baby at the drugstore.  My husband made me get out of the car and go into the pharmacy myself to get my prescriptions.  I could barely walk let alone bend over and I literally could not stop crying. Several nights later, I was in a lot of pain with a blocked milk-duct. After doctor consultation, we were told that nursing was the only way to unblock it without surgery. I dreaded feeding her because when the baby latched it was agonizing.  My breast was so infected I had a fever and diarrhea. I was shivering with the fever, sitting on the toilet and my husband came and gave me our new baby because “one of us has to get up and work in the morning.”

Another significant memory for me is after my mom passed away, he yelled at me for not driving my sister to the airport and for asking him to do it instead. When he came back a week later after I was left alone, with both my kids to look after, to clean out the rest of the house my parents had lived in for 50 years, he yelled again because I needed him to take some items to Goodwill.  He had no idea how much work I had to do, how little sleep I had, the pressure of the time line for the house closing and how much stuff I had to get rid of let alone the emotional toil of the situation.

According to Dr. Malkin, one of the ways narcissists dodge feeling uncomfortable is to pass their insecurities onto someone else like a game of hot potato. They try to get you to take on the feeling they don’t want. One of their manoeuvres is to question your every move. They try to get over their own vulnerable feelings of not being good enough by making you feel like you are the incompetent one.  They play emotional hot potato.

I definitely experienced this with my husband and realize now it intensified during his affair. One night he came home from work and questioned what I did all day.  I told him one thing was that I cleaned out the fridge and that I pulled it out and cleaned behind it as well.  I was telling him how dirty it was when he went over and accused me of scratching the hardwood floor by pulling it out myself. I constantly felt like I couldn’t do enough to please him.

Dr. Malkin specifically says they start to nitpick at you to make them feel better about what they’ve done.

I also remember him coming back from a trip to Vancouver and accusing me of not cleaning the kitchen while he was gone saying that the same dishes were on the counter.  I told him they were new dirty dishes but he tried to insist I did nothing when he was gone.

I also vividly remember him so intensely angry over a coworker who allegedly lied to him. He said he was going to confront this person for saying he received after-hour calls that he went out on when he didn’t. I remember trying to calm my husband during his outrage. Meanwhile, he was the one lying about so many things to me, the affair included.

Recognizing and understanding more about narcissism has helped me to realize that I am so much better off without this man in my life.  Love covers a multitude of sins and I did love my husband but the affair and his behaviour preceding my discovery of the affair and his handling of my feelings afterwards made it clear that walking away was my only option. Now that I have stopped loving this man as my husband, his sins are no longer covered in my eyes.  I see very clearly.  I never kept a record of his wrongs or brought these things up but again when I stopped loving him as my husband memories of these things come flooding back.  It seems obvious to me now that this is a man who is not capable of true, deep and meaningful love with another human being. I don’t qualify the statement as him just being incapable of loving me because I am aware of enough examples surrounding our children and others who he should have deeper relationships with to recognize that I am not the problem.

Understanding narcissism better has helped me be able to distance myself and depersonalize my husband’s behaviour towards me. It is still painful, especially the betrayal and unfair and cruel treatment over the past 2 1/2 years, but I am not near as reactionary in response to my ex’s tirades, callousness and even his hatred towards me.  It helps to explain some of his behaviour including the affair, his treatment of his children during our separation and his inability to accept his responsibilities in honouring our mediation agreement and the other legal proceedings.

It has also made me realize that the discovery of his affair was a blessing in disguise.  I deserve so much better. I deserve someone who is capable of loving me especially in my weakness and vulnerabilities. Someone who actually cares about my needs and wants and desires me to feel special.

My ex’s ongoing behaviour has helped confirm that he does have deep rooted issues that will not be resolved by him leaving our marriage.  One day the ‘other woman’ just won’t be able to make him feel special enough. This I am confident as I already know he has approached other women during his relationship with her.

In the storm and chaos that my ex continues to create around me, I am finally able to experience inner peace.  My life is hopeful, happy and I am discovering new gifts every day as a result of my new life.

http://www.oprah.com/own-show/How-to-Spot-the-Hidden-Narcissist-in-Your-Life

 

 

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abuse, affair, anger, blogging, bullying, cheating, cruelty, divorce, the other woman, unfaithfulness

The ex finds my blogs and shares with his friends

I apologize for a bunch of nasty comments left by my ex, the other woman and their friends.

I deleted some horrific ones but I will just let them reveal themselves for who they are and then I think you will see that my experience as reported is on mark.

I think it is very low of them to be communicating with a 15-year old who’s parents are causing her a lot of emotional distress and who reached out to me for support. The lies they told her about my daughter being kicked out are very far from reality. I cannot control their actions but I will not let their bullying stop me from sharing my experience or trying to help someone else manoeuvre through their experience.

This is my journey, my experience and my truth. I am only reporting what is going on in my life as it relates to my experience with a cheating spouse and the legal system. This was never a blog about bashing my ex or the other woman. This was never a blog about trying to make me look good. I know I look very ugly with my responses and actions. This is the reality of a nasty divorce and being on a path I never expected to be on.

This was a forum where I could share my experience. I had never blogged before and had no idea how to do it or how many people I would meet going through similar experiences. Everyone has been so kind and generous with support, compassion and advice. These were private, vulnerable posts. These were never meant to be seen by my ex.

It was pointed out to me by several professionals and friends throughout the last 2 1/2 years that I was in an abusive relationship. I have never posted the emails that would likely confirm this. It might be very difficult for me to go back and read those. I am told I may still be protecting my ex and that I may even be in denial about the abuse as I defend him sometimes for the cruel things he said to me. I had a friend share that she was horrified when we went out to dinner as couples one night. She shared that the mean things he would criticize me about were not funny and yet I would laugh as though it was a joke. I would never want his children to see the things he wrote to me and I did share with a handful of my friends about my blog so I might be embarrassed for them to see that as well. Now that my ex has discovered the blog and started posting things one friend contacted me telling me that she is afraid for me as she always considered my ex to be “dangerous”. She feels like I should contact the police because these are clearly messages meant to harass me. She texted me this morning saying, “You have had years of systematic emotional abuse by Dave…I’m really sorry.” She went on to say, “I’m worried about you and the girls.” It is clear he is continuing to try and abuse me emotionally and trying to use my blog against me.

Her advise is for me to take the blog off line. I think this is again part of my journey with my ex and it is being documented as such. I hope that anyone who happens upon my blog will learn from it. Maybe both people going through the break up can read this and say, “We do not want to be these people.” “We want to make better decisions and hurt as few people as possible through this process as well as protect our children and our finances.”

Clearly by my ex and his friends posting my name, they do not care about my children being identified. As one blogger pointed out, they have now seen my Facebook page and photos of my children. I have no problem sharing my name and identity as I stand by what I write. I never exposed my ex’s identity as I never wanted my children to read these posts. Thank you Dave, Janice and friends for being so concerned about protecting children.

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