adultery, anger, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, selfishness

I know, don’t engage. I engaged.

My ex continued our email chain about bailing on our younger daughter to go to a company BBQ:

“The hypocrisy of your comments is really mind boggling at times. Don’t you have better things to do with your time such as writing blogs about me?

I had a Bbq that my company was hosting for 80 people, 2hrs away, that I was involved in the set up. So yes time was of the essence and I couldn’t show up later because (our daughter’s name) got the wrong time and didn’t bother to correct it until 11:45am when I was on my way to pick her up. (Daughter) told me (dance teacher’s name) could drop her off. I asked her to confirm, she said she did, so the fact that she didn’t do it and then had to take the bus is not my fault, otherwise I would have made sure she got home.

What’s interesting is despite your Superwoman statements, she didn’t call you when she needed a ride? Probably because she knew that once again she would get an earful from you, like everyone else does.

She’s 16 and can take the bus if needed. You haven’t dropped your yoga plans and made her take the bus so why is so much different for me other than you have this irrational thought process with everything that has anything to do with me?

Your emails are such a waste of time. Turn your attention to other things that has a more meaningful upside than constantly trying to pick fights with people.”

I know he will hate my response.  He will likely complain more that it is lengthy than the content but I responded.  I will give him credit that he picked her up from dance tonight at 6:45 p.m. and took her to dinner. I only thought of that after I responded but this was what I said:

“You had no intention of ensuring she got home. You wanted to be on the road by 1:30. She needed a ride home at 1:30 and she needed to eat before she started her third job of the day. Don’t change your story now. Why you made plans to see her for less than an hour when “time is of the essence” for you to be 2 hours away is mind blowing. You should have told her your big plans for the day that was designated as your weekend with her that didn’t include her at all. If there were 80 people at your company BBQ I am sure someone else could have helped set up. I am sure this was planned months in advance and that you could have checked your calendar and said, “Hey, I might be late. That is the weekend I spend with my daughter.” The fact that you were more concerned about being accountable to set up for a BBQ versus being accountable to your daughter speaks volumes. You care more that your coworkers find you to be reliable and helpful than you care what your daughter thinks about your reliability and helpfulness? You could have made plans to see her the weekend before. You never, ever change your social schedule for her. You don’t care what weekend it is. You went to Vancouver the last weekend you were supposed to see her and played in a golf tournament too so you didn’t see her at all over the 3 days of “your” weekend, that you chose to be your weekend. You never once have said, “Hey, I can’t make it this weekend, how about next weekend.” You just carry on like the next weekend is totally off limits because it isn’t “your” weekend when you know darn well you can see your daughter any time you can mange to make yourself available. You just never choose her over whatever else you do or don’t have going on. Maybe you should start considering those weekends as “her” weekends and try to make it special for her instead of for you.

In your mind, it really is all (our daughter’s) fault for the late notice. How silly of her to think that her dad would be available just an hour later to spend time with her. How many times after all have you told her you were going to have lunch with her and then changed the plans to be at 4:00 p.m. instead?

She did call me for a ride. She left a voice mail message and a text message. I felt terrible because, as I told you already, I was in a housing meeting with Adam Olsen and other municipal counsellors and mayors so I didn’t have my phone on. Any other time I am there to pick her up. Yes she can take the bus but she had no money with her and no bus ticket. If I am not able to drive her I pay for bus tickets for her and give her advance notice. I have NEVER not picked her up or changed my plans with her after I made arrangements with her to do that even if there is a mistake or delay with the time frame she gives me. I certainly have NEVER left her stranded.

Why would I give her an earful because she needed a ride? It certainly wasn’t because she was being inconsiderate and not planning in advance. She understands now that she always needs to have money with her and bus tickets just in case. I thanked (dance teacher) for lending her the $2.50 and I paid her back personally. I felt badly for her and I was sad that I wasn’t available to get her call or know that she needed a ride. I would have left my meeting to get her or called Tracey or Brent to see if they were around to get her.

Why is it so much different for you, you ask? I happen to live with our child. I see her every single day. I see her every single morning before she goes to school. Pretty much every day I either drive her to the bus stop or to (best friend’s) house. I see her every night before she goes to bed. We eat together, watch TV together, walk the dog together, play with the pets together, shop and cook together. I know her friends, her friend’s parents, her dance teachers and I know what is going on at school. I know the courses she is taking, I help her with homework if needed and make sure she has the supplies she needs at home to do her courses. You haven’t even gone to any of her school performances since she has been in high school. I take her to medical appointments, physio, dental appointments. We spend special holidays together. I go to all of her dance competitions, festivals and pretty much anything where she performs. I know her dreams and what she wants to do for a career and post-secondary schooling. I have a relationship with her. I interact and engage with her more than an hour a week. If I only put aside an hour/week to spend with my child I would make it the best hour of my life and hope more that it was her best hour of the week. How much more so when you only put aside an hour every 2 weeks?

I have no interest in fighting with you. I am fighting for our child. I think she should have a relationship with her father and I am trying to shake you awake to give her what any child needs. I am just sad for you that you don’t care to have a relationship with her. She is getting busier and busier in life and you are letting your chance to know our daughter slip through your fingers.

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adultery, affair, anger, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, Janice Andrews, rejection, single parent

Company BBQ versus Daughter

At 2:45 p.m. today my 16-year old daughter angrily stormed through the door demanding if I had checked my phone. I told her that I had just walked in following my meeting with MLA,  Adam Olsen, regarding the housing crisis in our area. She knew that after I dropped her off at the dance studio at 10:00 a.m. that I was going to the vet to pick up pet food and then heading to a round table community discussion prior to our MLA heading back to the provincial fall legislature.  My daughter was working at the dance studio assisting in 2 Acro classes and having lunch with her dad afterwards.

“Well dad stranded me at the studio, ” she announced.  It was the last class and she had no bus ticket and no money and no one there to drive her home. The person she was assisting did lend her bus money but now she hadn’t eaten, had to get ready to leave for work in less than an hour and had been fighting a cold for the week that had left her with little sleep.

I try to have as little contact with my ex as possible but standing up for my children is one area that I get involved.  This is the email that I sent him:

“It is unfortunate that after all these years you still choose to spend weekends that are set aside for you to be with your children to do your own thing.

I dropped Lauren off at the dance studio this morning and she said that you were picking her up for lunch. She just walked in the door to say that she was “stranded” at the studio. She had no bus tickets, no money and you chose to go to Parksville instead of picking her up.

It is yet another time that you let (our daughter) down and failed to honour your commitment.

His response:

“Get the facts straight before you open your mouth yet again. (Our daughter) told me last night she was done at 12:30. We were going to have lunch and then I was going to Parksville for my company BBQ. She texted at 11:45 to say oops I gave you the wrong time I’m actually not done until 1:30. I told her that would be a bit late for me as I was hoping to be on the road by 1:30-2pm. She said she could get a ride with Jade. I asked her to make sure she had one and she said she did.

So long and short is you’re misinformed….again.”

My response:

“Exactly my point. You choose to leave Lauren stranded because of what you were hoping to do to make your life easier to suit your plans. If you cared anything about her and spending time with her you would have said that was okay. Really, a whole hour is going to mess up your important company BBQ plans? Do you know how many people I know that don’t go to personal functions because they choose to be with their children instead? Do you have any idea how many events I have not been able to attend because I am a single mom first and that is pretty much 100% of the time even if you pretend to be involved for an hour/week. Because of your response she was not going to contact you back regardless of her situation as she cannot count on her dad to be there for her. How many times does she really want to be rejected by you and feel like she is your burden? She did not have a ride with Jade because Jade was babysitting right after teaching. How do you think it makes her feel to have you set aside a whole hour to spend time with her (12:30 to 1:30 was your plan right?). Not very special I suspect. And then for her to feel like even for an hour she is an inconvenience to your plans. She said that she just assumed that I would come for her because I always come for her (she doesn’t know how many dropped plans I have had to do because I would never say, “I was hoping to not get you so I could do this instead.”) Who says that to their kids? Who tries to make their kids feel like an inconvenience? I am always there for her to pick up when you bail or when you never make plans with her on your weekend in the first place, but unfortunately I was in a meeting with Adam Olsen and did not have my phone on. I shouldn’t have to feel badly because I wasn’t there for her when her father was supposed to be there. Thankfully, Jade had $2.50 to lend her to take the bus. I really hope that at the very least, as an apology, you will buy her a sheet of bus tickets, and give those to her telling her to set them aside for every time you fail to show up as planned.

 

 

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adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, children, divorce, Father/daughter relationship, in-laws, Janice Andrews, other woman, rejection

Saying “NO!” to a parent has bigger meaning

My younger daughter said to me on Wednesday night, “I was with dad from 5:15 p.m. until 8:30 p.m.”  She said that was the longest amount of time she had been with him and that it was awkward.  He picked her up at our home and then they picked up my other daughter at her work and went to the mall to look into my older daughter’s phone issues and to have dinner.  Three hours with their dad that involved about 1 hour of driving time to various places seemed so out of the ordinary to her that it was note worthy for her to mention it.

I asked her if she looked for the shoes and pants that she wanted for back to school when they were at the mall.  She said that she would not shop with her dad.  He has tried to buy her things in the past.  Once when they were in Vancouver she said he kept offering to buy this and that but she said, “No” to everything. When they were in Ontario this summer she had forgot her sunglasses and he offered to buy her a $40 pair because he felt she needed them and he told her that they looked good on her.  She wanted them as well but she refuses to let her dad think he can buy her things and some how that will make up for everything he took from her.  She would also never tell him what she really needs.

Janice, it was pointed out to me, is quite happy on the other hand for Dave to buy her everything. The only thing my daughter said that she has ever seen her buy in 5 plus years is an Imax movie ticket because she has a pass.  It is like my daughter feels as dirty as his whore if he spends money on her.  She does not want to be that person. She is the Taurus of the family and is very bull-headed and strong in her convictions. She is insightful and I am very proud of her for making a stand and putting up a boundary that she considers important to how she feels about herself and her relationship with her father.  Although when I reflect, I think that her saying “No” to him is her way of rejecting him. She is rejecting him the way he has done to her and continues to do to her on various levels.

On Saturday, she and I were about to go for a hike with our dog.  My older daughter came up and said, “Dad is picking us up at noon for lunch.”  My younger daughter was annoyed, “Why didn’t he text me to tell me?”  My older daughter remarked that he texted her and probably assumed that she would just tell her.  She looked at me and asked if she should still go on the hike or just stay at home and get ready.  I told her it wasn’t even 10:00 a.m. so we had time to go for a short hike. I got her back by 11:00 a.m. only for her to be told by her sister that their dad didn’t know she would be going for lunch too and he didn’t think he would be able to get her back in time to work at 4:00 p.m.  Now my younger daughter was even more annoyed.  She said to me, “Good thing I didn’t decide to not go on the hike.”  I felt so badly for her that I said that I would take her for lunch.  We left before her dad arrived.

That night she told me that she arranged to work during the school year on Wednesday and Saturday nights. Wednesday is the only night she doesn’t dance during the week and is the night that she usually has dinner with her dad. She told me, “I probably won’t be seeing dad at all next year.”  I suggested that maybe her dad would pick her up earlier after school on a night that she starts dance a little later so she can have a bite to eat with him and I reminded her that he would probably still try to pick her up every other Friday for dinner and maybe a lunch every other Saturday or Sunday.

The other thing she told me that seemed to bother her was that when she was in Ontario with Dave and his parents over the summer her nanny, Dave’s mom, said to her, “Your mom will always be my daughter-in-law but your dad is my son”, and then she hugged him.  I even cringed when she told me that happened because his mom told me as well that I would always be their daughter-in-law. She just skipped the part about putting her cheating son on a pedestal.  Regardless, they were just empty words.  There is zero relationship.  Twenty three years of fakeness because if there was any love or care for me and my children I would hear from them. To my daughter, she just heard her grandmother say that I am less than when I am the most important person in her life. Does she hear her grandmother say that she would choose her son over her, too?  What does that teach my child about love; who is worthy of her love and why (full blood relation, number of years known) when my daughter has experienced love and what must feel like hate and knows the truth about which parent has always been there for her and which parent rejected her.

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abuse, adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, divorce, infidelity

Rough Rebound

My neighbour invited me out before Christmas.  It might have even been October or November but I was busy and not really interested.  After his first instigation, he followed it up with things like, “You have a great smile” and I can’t even remember what else he said to me but I would just say, “Thank you” and leave it at that.  Then he found me on Facebook.  He said he was surprised he found me without knowing my last name but it was the first profile that popped up. I never did approve his friend request but he was there when things ended with Gordon so I agreed to go to one of the pubs in our neighbourhood for wings and beer.

It was an easy date.  The conversation flowed freely and it was fun and light-hearted.  I liked that he is friends with his ex who also lives in the area. He goes over regularly to her place to pick up their dog for walks and lets himself in with a hidden key, with her permission.  He spends time regularly with his daughter and son and had just spent $800 buying his daughter knew glasses earlier than his 2 year medical plan allowed because her prescription had changed so drastically over a 4-month period.  He said he paid his ex more spousal than she had asked for because he didn’t think it was enough and they had no legal intervention.  He just seemed to do what was right. His older daughter went to school with my daughter for 4 years although my daughter was in the English program and his was in the French program so they only knew of each other.  My younger daughter is at the same school as his younger son. We have a couple of friends in common.  We walk our dogs at the same park.

The commonality was also a negative for me.  I didn’t like that he knew where I lived.  I never did allow him to come to my house to pick me up, drop me off or come in. I kind of regretted that he knew my typical morning routine and that I had to drive by his place almost every day.

We went out for dinner and lunches maybe 4 more times after our first date.  I went to his place a couple of times and we watched movies. We also met at the park to walk our dogs.

What I noticed the first date was that he had a bit of an edge.  I couldn’t label it initially.  He described himself as “opinionated” but to me it was more negative than just having a strong opinion. Then it crept into conversations more as he let his guard down.  He seemed to have a beef with a lot of people including family, friends and coworkers.  He made a comment that only one of his wife’s friends still talked to him. It made me wonder what he did to make his wife’s friends dislike him so much. He swore he was never unfaithful. He also told me that the husband of one of our mutual friends would turn away if he saw him.  Another red flag when men don’t seem to like him either.

I am close friends with the local mechanic. I know him and his wife personally and I trust him professionally to service my vehicle.  So when my new neighbour/date told me to have nothing to do with the guy because he would rip me off I knew his view was jaded and I told him my experience.  I have referred lots of people to his auto body and I have never heard any negative complaint. I even know the other mechanic that works for him and am friends with his mother. They are so knowledgeable, love vehicles, have a strong faith in God so I am confident in their advice as being for me and not for them.

My neighbour/date knew the servers and bar tenders in the pub and they knew him by  name.  I wondered how much of a drinker he was although when we were together he didn’t have more than 2 beers. One night we split a bottle of wine. When we went for sushi he ordered tea for us so he didn’t always need to drink.   He did drunk text me a couple of times.

One day when we were walking our dogs together my dog stopped in front of him.  He commented about how annoying that was to him.  When my dog did it again he grabbed me by the shoulders and moved me over to where he was walking, switching sides with me saying that if my dog was going to do that he could do it to me and not him.  I nudged him back jokingly, trying to lighten his mood, telling him he almost put me in the snow bank.  He then assured me that if he wanted me to be in the snow bank that I would be in the snowbank. I shut down immediately and I would say our relationship never recovered after that.

I met him one last time for dog walking. Not only did he knee my dog when he stopped in front of him but when a stranger’s dog ran over to play with our dogs and in the course of the dog’s excitement knocked into my neighbour, he kicked the dog angrily.  I was completely shocked. That was it right then and there.  I walked away on a different path than him back to my car.  He caught up to me in the open area leading to the parking lot but we said nothing to each other. When I got into my car he said, “I thought I was taking you to lunch.” I told him I had things to do.

He texted a couple of hours later saying, “Sorry about today.  I was frustrated.  I’m cursed when it comes to other dogs.  I almost got knocked over several times.” I didn’t respond.  He texted me later telling me to have a good night.

Two days later he showed up at the dog park at 8:00 a.m. during my typical dog walking routine, right after I drop my daughter off at school. I felt a pit in my stomach.  He never came to the park at that time. I did not want to see him or talk to him.  I was far away and wondered if he even saw me.  I noticed his dog first and then saw his orange jacket but he was a distance away.  I do think my dog went over to see his dog but I kept walking and pretended I didn’t notice. When I got to my car his truck wasn’t parked there so I was relieved thinking he may not have even saw me.

An hour and half later he texted, “Enjoy your walk?” I felt sick to my stomach. He then said, “Sorry I didn’t stick around to say hello. Not feeling well.”  That made two of us. I wasn’t going to respond but then I was almost afraid not to say anything.  The problem with us living in the same neighbourhood is that we are bound to run into each other, especially if he was going to be intentional about it.  5 1/2 hours after he texted all I said was that I hoped he was feeling better. He engaged some more saying that he ended up spending the day with his daughter but I did not respond further and I haven’t heard anything from him since. That was 3 days ago and we are just coming off a long weekend. I am going back to my dog walking routine tomorrow and I am just hoping he realizes I am not interested in even being friends so that he stays far away from me.

 

 

 

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affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, deceit, ego, ex spouse, infidelity, lies, marriage breakdown, other woman, separation

The Girl on the Train

My 14-year old announced this week that she wanted to read The Girl on the Train.

I was excited for her to declare that she wanted to read anything.  She doesn’t enjoy reading. I have bought many books on many subjects and ones she has chose that she thinks she might be interested to read but the cover is never cracked or she can’t make it past the first chapter.

She went on to tell me that her teacher has the book in their Grade 9 classroom but that she needs parental consent before being able to sign it out as the teacher described the content as “edgy”.

I loved reading the same books as my older daughter. That started when she was 10.  She is a voracious reader and it gave us a bond we share today recommending and discussing literature with each other.  So I suggested to my 14-year old that we go to Costco and buy the book so that I can read it first. Then if I think the subject matter appropriate she can read it next.

When she found the book at Costco the first thing she did was exactly what her dad does–flip to the back to see how many pages. My ex wasn’t a reader before meeting me. When he finally joined me reading in bed before we turned out the lights, if a book had more than 180 pages, regardless of how great the story was supposed to be, he refused to read it.

My daughter moaned about it’s thickness and small print. I admonished her to put the book in the cart before she saw the 395 pages.

As I start to read the book tonight, one theme is clear: infidelity.

When the main character finds out that the wife of a couple she admires is having an affair she reacts:  “I can’t believe it.  I snatch air into my lungs and realize that I’ve been holding my breath.  Why would she do that?…I can’t believe she would do that to him, he doesn’t deserve that.  I feel a real sense of disappointment.  I feel as though I have been cheated on.  A familiar ache fills my chest.  I have felt this way before.  On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain.  You don’t forget it.”

“I found out the same way everyone seems to find out these days: an electronic slip. Sometimes its a text or a voice mail message: in my case it was an email, the modern-day lipstick on the collar….Once, I answered his phone when he was in the shower and he got quite upset and accused me of not trusting him. I felt awful because he seemed so hurt…There was a message at the top….I clicked. XXXXX.  That was it, just a line of X’s. I thought it was spam at first, until I realized that they were kisses…It was a reply to a message he’d sent a few hours before, just after seven, when I was still slumbering in our bed.”

Her husband’s message to the other woman was in a folder marked ‘Admin.’ and it read:  “I fell asleep last night thinking of you.  I was dreaming about kissing your mouth, your breasts, the inside of your thighs.  I woke this morning with my head full of you, desperate to touch you.  Don’t expect me to be sane. I can’t be, not with you.”

The main character discovered “that my husband was in love with her.  He told her so, often.  He told her that he’d never felt like this before, that he couldn’t wait to be with her, that it wouldn’t be long until they could be together.”

Witnessing the wife she admires with another man evoked these feelings in her: ” I don’t have words to describe what I felt that day (the discovery of her own husband’s betrayal), but now, sitting on the train I am furious, nails digging into my palms, tears stinging my eyes.  I feel a flash of intense anger. I feel as though something has been taken away from me.  How could she? How could Jess do this?  What is wrong with her ?  Look at the life they have, look at how beautiful it is!  I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts.  Who was it who said that following your heart is a good thing?  It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all.  Hatred floods me.  If I saw that woman now, if I saw Jess, I would spit in her face.  I would scratch her eyes out.”

Her response when the Other Woman contacts her complaining that it is an inconvenience when she calls her ex is this: “Fucking bitch.  She is a cuckoo laying her egg in my nest. She has taken everything from me. She has taken everything and now she calls me to tell me that my distress is inconvenient for her?…I am going to tell her that I don’t care about her…I’m going to tell her that the line he used with her–don’t expect me to be sane–he used it with me, too, when we were first together; he wrote it in a letter to me, declaring his undying passion.  It’s not even his line: he stole it from Henry Miller. Everything she has is second hand.”

My daughter was just 11 when I found out about her dad’s affair.  She has her own strong opinions about her dad and the other woman which I tend to learn about indirectly. It is usually when she talks to her sister about them in my presence or when she talks to me about her best friend’s cheating dad and that other woman.

This is just the first 43 pages and I’ve read 60.  The plot is thickening and the characters are developing.  I promise not to reveal any spoilers.

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, children, dance, disappointment, ex spouse, infidelity, Janice Andrews, marriage, separatiion, the other woman

Crappy Dance Dad

Dance competition season is here.

My 13-year old daughter competed on Friday performing her Jazz solo routine.  She came in second place and she won the Spirit Award.  Her dad was a no-show.

Tonight after her competition she asked me, “Was Janice there?”

I said, “I don’t know, was your dad there because I didn’t see him?”  She said, “I thought I saw Janice and it made me almost mess up my tap routine.”

While we were driving home her dad texted her and said, “Were you happy with your jazz routine?”

She texted back, “Did you see it?”

She then told him that if he had been there he would have heard the adjudicators give her individualized, very specific critiques about both of her tap and jazz solo routines. He would have heard that they only hand out 2 prizes, first and second place.  He would have seen her receive the second place award.  He would have seen her receive roses from the judges. He would have learned that first place and second place are now moving on to compete at Provincials.  He would have learned that his daughter achieved one of her goals and desires and is invited to Provincials for the first time in her life.

My daughter was congratulated by so many people.  People were taking her photo and photos of the first and second place winners. Her dad was not one of those people. He texted saying, “I didn’t stay because I just thought there were going to be comments and I didn’t know there were going to be awards.”

I was trying not to express how angry I was by his texts as she read them to me. I could hear her disappointment that her dad might have been there but couldn’t even be bothered to stay until the end. I thought, “I have been with her at dance from 10:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. today and you couldn’t bother to sit through commentary by very prestigious and accomplished judges specifically about your daughter’s dancing ability during her solos?”

Of all the times to bring the other woman because it just makes her look too uninterested to stay and that her dad once again put this woman as priority over her.  My daughter tried to protect her dad and make excuses for him by saying, “He probably left so Janice didn’t have to see you.” I didn’t respond.  I’ve been going through this for 3 years.  I have so much compassion for my daughter right now. I felt her sadness and disappointment. The highest dance honour she has received will be another reminded of her dad’s absence. I don’t need to reason with my child.  She knows the truth. I just vent here instead and her dad just puts more distance in his relationship with her.

I really tried hard not to let her dad’s indifference overshadow her amazing experience.  I took her to get a treat to celebrate and we focused on talking about all the great things that happened today at the competition.  I am so proud of her.  I am so proud of how hard she has worked for this and didn’t give up when she was feeling discouraged about her routine. I am so grateful that I was able to be there to share in her joy and to be part of her life and that she knows that.

We are back at it tomorrow from 8:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m. as my daughter competes in all 3 sessions, morning, afternoon and evening, with her group dances. I am so tired but I am so lucky!

 

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adultery, affair, anger, bullying, children, difficult personality, infidelity, narcissism, separatiion

When Will I Learn?

Thank you for those who responded to my post “He is the Dick in Ridiculous” with your comments about not being able to be nice to a narcissist because they take advantage, they don’t care about specific details, they don’t care about others, that my ex doesn’t care about me and unfortunately our kids are included in this, that I need to avoid all contact with him and WHEN WILL I LEARN?

Okay, lesson learned.  I think my youngest daughter has learned, too.  I think she learned the lesson before I did.  The number of times that her dad has let her down and not kept his word is likely the reason she asks me to follow up with him on her behalf. In an effort to protect her,  to be her advocate and to try to get her dad to do right by her I have contacted him on her behalf but it isn’t working for anyone.  It leaves us all frustrated–me, my daughter, my ex and anyone who gets in the cross-fire and ends up as a victim of us making plans and commitments based o my ex’s word.

Here is where it stands. He didn’t give my daughter the raffle ticket stubs and money as promised when he picked her up on Saturday night.  She has 8 people who have given her money to buy them tickets.  She has had to tell them that she can’t get them their tickets until her dad returns the ones that he has and that “he keeps forgetting.”

When she came home last night without the tickets and money I told our daughter that she needed to contact him to see if she can get the tickets Sunday.  She did and he never responded.  In the morning I asked her if she heard from her dad.  She said that he wouldn’t respond because he is going to a Super Bowl party.  I told her that the party would be in the afternoon.  It is 9:00 a.m. so to follow up with her dad and that we could go and pick up the tickets at 11. Two hours later when he still hadn’t responded I sent him a text and asked if we could pick up the tickets today. If people weren’t counting on my daughter to return the tickets and to get them tickets I wouldn’t care but there is a chain of people that are trying to help my daughter and it is reflecting poorly on her. It looks like she is the one making excuses and being too lazy to do her job of selling, collecting and returning.

He told me that our daughter should have reminded him last night.  In his next text he reiterated that if it was so important to her she should have reminded him.  In his text after that he said it wasn’t a big deal and that she would get them.  In his text after that he said I should have reminded him yesterday and texted something to him when she was with him.  In a text after that he said he had plans today and couldn’t go to the office to get them.  When I questioned that he didn’t even have the tickets with him while he was with her he texted back that they were going to go by his office after dinner to get them but “we forgot.”  So I suggested that our daughter expected then that when he was driving her after dinner that he was going to his office to get the tickets.  He said I was putting words in his mouth and that he and my daughter never discussed the tickets.

Amongst all of this, instead of just saying, “Sorry I forgot.  It has been a week since I have been promising to get the ticket stubs and money returned, how, where and when can I meet our daughter to give her what she needs.”  I get this: “I sold 12 books”, “All you look for is the negative.  Change the narrative and you might change your life to something more positive” , “It’s just another talking point for you to blab on about negative. When does it ever stop you being the kind of person you are”, “You spin anything to negative when you have a chance”, “It’s a nice day. Relax and enjoy”, “No one told me about deadlines”, “So typical of you to blame others specifically me for everything”, “You’ve lost it”, “You’d think the world was going to come to an end with these tickets and your misplaced anger”, “You can come by my office for 3 pm”, “You aren’t directing me to do anything”, “Who do you think you are. It’s none of your business”, “It has nothing to do with you”, “You like telling everyone what to do and say”, “You are so predictable. Every time there is a family event you are no longer a part of you always find some way to get angry and start fights, send emails or texts with some negative message. You really should see someone about your anger issues towards me. It’s really pretty sad”, “Look at your history Robbie Liz. Every time family things happen you go off the deep end”, “So typical of you to threaten”, “Come to my office at 3 or tomorrow. Those are your only options”, “It’s no wonder (daughter) feels stressed. You continue to try and throw her into things”, “Wakey, wakey Robbie. Maybe the problem is you because you are around her day to day”, “The only things that matters is you getting some mental help so you don’t continue to project onto others. Particularly our children”, “Please do the rest of us a favour and get the help you need.”

The only thing I focused on in all of his noise was a day, place and time to get the tickets. Today at 3 from his office. I suggested that he respond to our daughter about this arrangement and if he did that I would be happy to bring her there to meet him to get her tickets back.  My daughter came and told me that he responded. All she knows is that she asked her dad about getting the tickets back, he responded positively and her mom is going to drive her to get them.  All is well in her world right now.

Lesson learned.  No more favours to my ex, no more interceding for my kids for any reason, no more contact except for documenting for legal purposes.

 

 

 

 

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