affair, anger, Betrayal, cheating, deceit, ego, ex spouse, infidelity, lies, marriage breakdown, other woman, separation

The Girl on the Train

My 14-year old announced this week that she wanted to read The Girl on the Train.

I was excited for her to declare that she wanted to read anything.  She doesn’t enjoy reading. I have bought many books on many subjects and ones she has chose that she thinks she might be interested to read but the cover is never cracked or she can’t make it past the first chapter.

She went on to tell me that her teacher has the book in their Grade 9 classroom but that she needs parental consent before being able to sign it out as the teacher described the content as “edgy”.

I loved reading the same books as my older daughter. That started when she was 10.  She is a voracious reader and it gave us a bond we share today recommending and discussing literature with each other.  So I suggested to my 14-year old that we go to Costco and buy the book so that I can read it first. Then if I think the subject matter appropriate she can read it next.

When she found the book at Costco the first thing she did was exactly what her dad does–flip to the back to see how many pages. My ex wasn’t a reader before meeting me. When he finally joined me reading in bed before we turned out the lights, if a book had more than 180 pages, regardless of how great the story was supposed to be, he refused to read it.

My daughter moaned about it’s thickness and small print. I admonished her to put the book in the cart before she saw the 395 pages.

As I start to read the book tonight, one theme is clear: infidelity.

When the main character finds out that the wife of a couple she admires is having an affair she reacts:  “I can’t believe it.  I snatch air into my lungs and realize that I’ve been holding my breath.  Why would she do that?…I can’t believe she would do that to him, he doesn’t deserve that.  I feel a real sense of disappointment.  I feel as though I have been cheated on.  A familiar ache fills my chest.  I have felt this way before.  On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain.  You don’t forget it.”

“I found out the same way everyone seems to find out these days: an electronic slip. Sometimes its a text or a voice mail message: in my case it was an email, the modern-day lipstick on the collar….Once, I answered his phone when he was in the shower and he got quite upset and accused me of not trusting him. I felt awful because he seemed so hurt…There was a message at the top….I clicked. XXXXX.  That was it, just a line of X’s. I thought it was spam at first, until I realized that they were kisses…It was a reply to a message he’d sent a few hours before, just after seven, when I was still slumbering in our bed.”

Her husband’s message to the other woman was in a folder marked ‘Admin.’ and it read:  “I fell asleep last night thinking of you.  I was dreaming about kissing your mouth, your breasts, the inside of your thighs.  I woke this morning with my head full of you, desperate to touch you.  Don’t expect me to be sane. I can’t be, not with you.”

The main character discovered “that my husband was in love with her.  He told her so, often.  He told her that he’d never felt like this before, that he couldn’t wait to be with her, that it wouldn’t be long until they could be together.”

Witnessing the wife she admires with another man evoked these feelings in her: ” I don’t have words to describe what I felt that day (the discovery of her own husband’s betrayal), but now, sitting on the train I am furious, nails digging into my palms, tears stinging my eyes.  I feel a flash of intense anger. I feel as though something has been taken away from me.  How could she? How could Jess do this?  What is wrong with her ?  Look at the life they have, look at how beautiful it is!  I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts.  Who was it who said that following your heart is a good thing?  It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all.  Hatred floods me.  If I saw that woman now, if I saw Jess, I would spit in her face.  I would scratch her eyes out.”

Her response when the Other Woman contacts her complaining that it is an inconvenience when she calls her ex is this: “Fucking bitch.  She is a cuckoo laying her egg in my nest. She has taken everything from me. She has taken everything and now she calls me to tell me that my distress is inconvenient for her?…I am going to tell her that I don’t care about her…I’m going to tell her that the line he used with her–don’t expect me to be sane–he used it with me, too, when we were first together; he wrote it in a letter to me, declaring his undying passion.  It’s not even his line: he stole it from Henry Miller. Everything she has is second hand.”

My daughter was just 11 when I found out about her dad’s affair.  She has her own strong opinions about her dad and the other woman which I tend to learn about indirectly. It is usually when she talks to her sister about them in my presence or when she talks to me about her best friend’s cheating dad and that other woman.

This is just the first 43 pages and I’ve read 60.  The plot is thickening and the characters are developing.  I promise not to reveal any spoilers.

 

 

 

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adultery, Betrayal, Bible, cheating, children, Christianity, deceit, divorce, God, infidelity, lies, other woman, separation

David and Bathsheba

The reason I think that commenter “Sally” is most likely my husband is because his (Sally’s) arguments for himself (Sally) are always skewed in the most narcissistic way showing himself favour and steering away from anything that points negatively in his direction.

He (Sally) commented October 26, 2015, under the “What are you trying to create” post:

   “King David was an adulterer. Even had the husband of the woman he desired killed for his own benefit. God still loved him and he was thought of as being a man after God’s own heart. One of Israel’s greatest Kings.”

My husband is trying to justify and defend his act of adultery by suggesting that God sees things differently than those of us who have been betrayed by the same act. He tries to minimize his infidelity and elevate himself higher than King David by pointing out that he at least didn’t kill Janice’s husband.  But what my husband chooses to ignore is how God really felt about David’s actions and the devastating resulting consequences of his adultery. Just as Satan and the Pharisees did before David Cherrie, he twists scripture to his benefit to build a case for arguing that cheating is no big deal.

King David and Bathsheba is a sad story showing how sin can start, the depths one will go to in order to deceive and hide their sin for their own protection and that the sinner can’t even recognize his own actions needing the help of others to point it out.

The story is found in 2 Samuel 11 – 12.

How did God really feel about David’s act of adultery?

“But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.” (2 Samuel 11:27)

“This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.” (2 Samuel 12: 7-9)

Consequences?

Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’”11 “This is what the Lord says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. 12 You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’”…because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.” (2 Samuel 12:10-12)

There are comparisons to be made between King David and David Cherrie.  In Samuel 11:1, we learn that King David was supposed to be off at war with his men, yet we find him instead in the comfort of his palace and bed.  When he saw Bathsheba bathing he didn’t turn away. Instead, he inquired about her and was told she was married yet sent for her and slept with her anyway.  In the same way, David Cherrie was supposed to be either working or home with his family. Yet he made up lies to go and be with Janice instead. He knew she was in a 12-year common-law relationship yet he pursued her anyways.  In the same way Janice can be compared to Bathsheba. They both did inappropriate things to get noticed by their pursuer. Both knowingly betrayed their husband and slept with each David then went back home to their spouse.  Both Davids were superiors in their lives taking advantage of their position, King and boss.

After King David found out Bathsheba was pregnant he tried to get her husband to go home and sleep with her so he would think the baby was his own. But Uriah was too loyal to King David and his men who were fighting in war and stayed with the servants at the palace gate instead of going to eat, drink and sleep with his wife. King David tried to get him drunk the next night for the same purpose but Uriah remained faithful to his King and his men. When that didn’t work King David sent him to the front line to fight and be killed. Other men went to help him fight so innocent lives in King David’s army were killed too. David Cherrie was equally as desperate to cover up his adultery in the lies he told and accusations he tried to place on me. He had no problem slaughtering innocent lives like his wife, children, family, friends, Janice’s husband and their family and friends just to keep up his life of sin and to keep his adultery hidden.

Both David Cherrie and King David were cold as stone afterwards.  King David’s response to the death of Uriah and the innocent men who were fighting for him is, “Don’t be upset. The sword devours one as well as another.”  David Cherrie’s response was “Everybody saw it coming. I’ve been unhappy for 8 years.” Both statements are just callous misrepresentations of the true motive to justify their selfish actions.

It took the prophet Nathan to come to King David to share a parable about another terribly selfish and cruel man for King David to understand how God viewed his adultery. King David was indignant by Nathan’s story and his response reveals what he thinks his own punishment should be for his act of adultery, “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” (2 Samuel 12:5-6)  Nathan’s response is, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:7)

God kept his word. Although David Cherrie will only see the good in King David and the blessings in his life and want to compare himself to King David suggesting all was well in his life post-affair, that is not true. God let the baby son of King David and Bathsheba die 7 days after he was born. God did not bless their sin. Amnon, David’s eldest son by Ahinoam (1 Chron. 3:1), raped his half-sister, Tamar. Two years afterward, Absalom, the king’s son by Maacah (2 Sam. 3:3), had Amnon murdered (2 Sam. 13). Then, later, Absalom “stole the hearts of the men of Israel,” rebelled against his father, and was ultimately killed by Joab (2 Sam. 18). Prior to being killed, Absalom rose up against King David causing him to have to flee the palace. Interestingly, Absalom pitched his tent on King David’s roof (the same place King David had watched Bathsheba bathe) and then took all of David’s concubine for his own in front of everyone. And even after David’s death, Adonijah, the king’s son by Haggith (2 Sam. 3:4), was slain by Solomon (1 Kgs. 2:24-25). A truly bloody price was paid for King David’s lust and violence.

Fast forward to the new testament when Matthew chronicles the genealogy of Christ.  Matthew 1:6 logs, “and Jesse the father of King David. David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife”. Centuries later it is recorded that Solomon was the product of adultery. Bathsheba’s name isn’t even mentioned as his mother because she rightfully belonged to someone else and we are reminded of this fact by her husband’s name appearing instead.

In summary, David Cherrie wants to gloss over his adultery and believe it is okay; that God will turn a blind eye. It is not acceptable in the eyes of God nor in the eyes of the majority of people who know what he did. David Cherrie may very well be the modern day King David. God certainly blessed him with everything he wanted and yet his ingratitude, greed, selfishness and lust led him away from God. There has never been any repentance by David Cherrie. I wonder what agonizing consequences will continue to follow David and Janice as a result of their adultery. Like it took the prophet Nathan to show King David who he really is especially in the eyes of God, it may take the comments of other people on this blog to be prophets in David Cherrie’s life by sharing their stories about the hurt of adultery and by continuing to comment on posts with their insights and truths. David and Janice are reading it. Maybe one day they will actually see themselves as they really are and take responsibility for their actions. Even if they don’t, it is recorded here for history.

*Thank you Wayne Jackson for helping me to easily summarize the consequences of David’s sin from the Christian Courier in your article, “Does the Case of David and Bathsheba Justify Adultery Today?”

y

 

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adultery, affairs, cheating, deceitfulness, divorce, lies, separation

Fake Coins

In Rumi’s poem, The Touchstone, Iblis asked, “Can you tell a lie from the truth, you who are filled with illusion?”

Muawiya answered, “The prophet has given a clue, a touchstone to know the base coin from the true. He has said, ‘That which is false troubles the heart, but Truth brings joyous tranquility.’ ”

When I discovered your coins were fake, I refused to accept them. You now spend your coins elsewhere. You pass your coins off to others who know you committed fraud, know you continue to commit fraud and yet they accept your forgery? Your scheme cost me almost everything. You still try to steal from me.

I examine coins more thoroughly these days. I spend them. I invest them. I melt them down. I check for seams, run tests, and scratch the surface.  Then I check my heart.

Rumi says in The Masnavi:

“Fools buy base coins from their likeness to real coins.
If there were no genuine coins current in the world,
How could coiners succeed in passing false coins?
If there were no truth, how could falsehood exist?
Falsehood derives its plausibility from truth.
‘Tis the desire of right that makes men buy wrong;
Let poison be mixed with sugar and they eat it at once.
If wheat were not valued as sweet and good for food,
The cheat who shows wheat and sells barley would make no profit!”

Because of you, I know worthless currency.  Because of you, I know true value.


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abuse, adultery, affair, bullying, cheating, deceit, divorce, fighting, lies, pack behaviour, pack mentality

Feeding Frenzy and Understanding Dave’s Pack of Wolves

wolf pack mentalityThe Two Wolves

A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, hatefulness, and lies.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, humbleness, kindness, friendship, generosity, faith, and truth.

This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too.”

The children thought about it for a minute. Then one child asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The Cherokee elder replied…

“The one you feed.””

The pack leaders are the alpha male and female. These two animals are dominant over all the other wolves in the pack. The beta wolf comes next acting as the second in command.  The omega wolf is the weakest and least cared for in the pack.  It tends to be bullied by other members and gets the brunt of aggression during inter-pack fighting.  The omega instigates play among the pack as a way to ease tensions.

The alpha male and female get to eat first at kills.  A pack usually consists of 6 wolves but can be anywhere from 2 – 36 wolves. The pack can consist of adult subordinates. They can hunt in packs or singly.  To establish the dominant position they show superiority in their fighting. Wolves are intensely territorial.

Pack rankings are built on strength and the ability to win fights. I’ll let Dave, Janice and the rest of their pack figure out where they rank. If Dave isn’t creative enough to be organizing 11 different user names all trying to attack me and other bloggers or people who have made supportive comments on my site then it is likely Janice, the beta in the group or quite possibly the omega, trying to better themselves and prove their worth amongst the pack.

As they continue to stalk their pray, I will likely not respond and choose instead to let them starve. They can snarl all they want about me taking down my blog.  They can bark all of the lies that Dave has fed them. They can bristle their fur and pounce.  They will be the ones to whimper, running away with their tails between their legs.  My tail is still wagging!

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adultery, blogging, bullying, cheating, divorce, Falsehood, Fraud, Janice Andrews, lies, the other woman

Bullying, Mobbing and Heroes and Heroines

I have had more than 125 comments flood my inbox in the last 2 days, most of them over the last day. They are in response to my ex discovering my blog and using a posse of coercers to try and pressure me to shut it down.

Although it turns out he is only trying to make it look like a posse of coercers. He is in fact both Sally and Happy and it is the same person who is Devil’s Advocate, Winner Winner Chicken Dinner, Two Wrongs don’t make a right and WTF. Once a deceiver always a deceiver. Perhaps Azif, Troubles Brewing and Silly Sally’s Sister are separate coercers. Then there is Chris who is pro Janice but seems to be separate. He knows them but doesn’t seem to be exactly on side.

The comments range from being crude, offensive, mocking, coded with inside jokes and innuendos between the fake commentators, defamatory, baiting, and all of them for the most part identify me and where I live (I’ve never hidden where I lived).

The definition of bullying involves “using superior strength or influence to intimidate someone typically to force him or her to do what one wants.” Synonyms include: persecute, oppress, tyrannize, browbeat, harass, torment, intimidate, strong arm and dominate.

Wikipedia indicates that “Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power, which distinguishes bullying from conflict.[1] Behaviors used to assert such domination can include verbal harassment or threat, physical assault or coercion, and such acts may be directed repeatedly towards particular targets.

“If bullying is done by a group it is called Mobbing.”

“Bullying ranges from simple one-on-one bullying to more complex bullying in which the bully may have one or more ‘lieutenants’ who may seem to be willing to assist the primary bully in his or her bullying activities.”

I believe I am being accused of bullying by this posse because I posted the name of Janice Andrews and that she lives in Victoria, BC. There is no goal to intimidate her to do anything by that post. I was simply posting a fact. She cheated with my spouse and did so publicly. It is not even a private fact. She was not hiding her behaviour. She was using both of her work emails and work phone to engage in the affair. She used work functions and other social outings with my husband to display her behaviour.

I believe that my ex is however using bullying tactics in an effort to intimidate me to stop blogging. He has repeatedly stated my full name, maiden and married, along with where I live on every single post I have entered. He has attempted to contact me with false names under false pretences. He has encouraged other people to identify me and to contact me with false names and negative comments. He orchestrated an ambush of aggressive insults by several people over the course of an entire day. Or at least he tried to make me believe that was what was happening when it was possibly only 2 people the entire time pretending to be 6 different people. They both also attacked anyone who has ever supported me, encouraged me or sided with me on any of my posts.

Amongst all of this appear some heroes and heroines. No one that I asked to come to my defence. No one that I have any relationship with outside of this blog. Some who called out Dave even as they ridiculed or admonished me. None the less they let Dave know he was not held in high regard and put the blame solely on his shoulders. They commented he lied to both me and Janice. (They seemed very pro-Janice). It could be another fake personality but Dave went begging this person trying to plead his case. I am mostly proud of Nephila, KCRambles and Whoresnotwelcome. They stood their ground and showed no fear or intimidation or waiver in their point of view.

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, child support, children, Christianity, difficult personality, divorce, emails, family, God, legal obligations, lies

Bad Blood (band-aids don’t fix bullet holes) but who isn’t moving on ?

It is very interesting to me that my ex insists that I am not able to move on and that I am not happy. I am not sure if he really believes that or if it is wishful thinking on his part. It might be his way of trying to control my mind by telling me it isn’t true. It may just be him using this as an excuse to tell me what to do and what not to do and to criticize my behaviour.

Alternatively, it may be that he is the one who really can’t move on. He seems to really need for me to forget that he committed adultery. He wants to sweep the resulting consequences under the rug and pretend like our lives are clean and neat. He chooses to punish me because he is having difficulty accepting his legal obligations, especially financially, that are going to continue to exist to me and our children, despite him so desperately wanting to run from us and pretend we don’t exist. No evidence of past life wanted! We are still tied to him financially but that doesn’t mean we haven’t moved on with our individual lives. We are moving forward, just on different paths.

The resulting email chain started with me just trying to get him to pay me for expenses he owes me. It went from business to ugliness fast. I was hoping that he would finally give up fighting me, pay what he is required to pay not only from our mediation agreement and separation agreement (very close to being finalized) but what he knows is his responsibility to pay. If he really has moved on there would be no need for him to fight me and try to control all of my actions. He would not need to “win” and punish me. He would just accept and do.

My frustration came out when he was trying to thwart my efforts to get expenses to him for reimbursement. Then he started to criticize me with my move and not going to my daughter’s grad dinner. He sent me an email saying: “No, you couldn’t go because you completely screwed up the move. I have been gone for 2 1/2yrs. You knew the house was selling since November and it had been formally sold for 2 ½ months. You had tons of time and help and as usual you left it too late. If you wanted assistance you could have asked. In the end all (our oldest daughter’s name) will remember is her mom refused to go. Pretty sad.”

I had lots of assistance, as he is aware (not sure how he knows but he mentions it) but as per my previous post there were glitches, complications and the movers didn’t plan ahead for how much manpower was required to move me. It had nothing to do with my preparation or lack thereof. I couldn’t move any earlier. But as usual my ex wants to blame me for everything. I did ask him for help but he refused. He has always refused every single request I have made to him since we separated. He made a conscious decision to leave everything for me to do.

My response: “(oldest daughter’s name) will also remember that her dad is a cheating louse and all the things that he did and failed to do after she suspected him, before she caught him, and then after she did catch him. She will always know that her dad is a liar and cheat and continues to put his own needs over his kids’ needs. We all have our memories, (husband’s name). I choose to live in the present not the past or the future.

His response: “Oh I suspect the only one who carries that memory is you. All others have forgiven and moved on. You clearly have not by the things you continue to write and say. Someone who lives in the present wouldn’t be emailing her ex to bring up the past…..just saying…”

I can’t win. I wasn’t emailing to bring up the past. I was just making a point that we can’t control people’s memories. The night of my daughter’s grad ceremony, that I did attend, my daughter was reading the card that my younger daughter and I gave her. She commented that my younger daughter made a spelling mistake. She mentioned remembering winning a spelling bee when she was in Grade 3 and she said she remembered that I was there. I have been at everything my daughter participated in throughout her school years. I missed her grad dinner yet I still showed up as grubby as can be in my sweaty moving clothes so I could see her. Maybe that is what she will remember. Mom still made the biggest effort to be there when circumstances were preventing it from happening.

In the meantime, there is a parallel conversation going on with my ex that should have been all business. It relates to expenses I have paid on our behalf. Since my move I still haven’t found the box with my printer/scanner. I had receipts to send my ex and asked if he was in the office on Thursday so I could drop them off and so he could photocopy them and give me back the originals. Records for both of us. I have only had to go to his office once before to do this when my scanner wasn’t working.

His response: “I have a busy day. Drop them in my mail box at my place and I’ll copy them.”

My response: “No, because if they go missing I don’t have any extra receipt. I’ll take them to your office and the receptionist can copy them and leave them for you.”

His response: “NO. You don’t need to come to my office. I’ve told you before and I’ll repeat it. You are not to come here unless I ask. Otherwise my work is off limits to you. Drop in my mailbox or find another way.

My response: “Then you can pay me based on my word and then come and see the bills for confirmation if you don’t believe me. Have I ever lied to you? I told you why I won’t leave the originals. I know you. You will say you never received them and say you can’t pay me then and since I don’t have a copy I won’t be able to prove the amount to you. I told you my printer/scanner/copier is still packed away. Do you think I would want to come to your office? Do you think that is something that is even remotely comfortable for me to do? If you say I can only come when you ask then obviously there is no big deal if I come and you are just trying to control me for no reason. If you need the bill then I have every right to get you the bill so I know you receive it so you stop having excuses to not pay me. Last time you complained to the lawyers that I went to your house and I am not using (our daughter) as a go between. (Our daughter) should have the original alteration bill anyway. She picked up the dress. Did you not take her to do this?

His response: (My name) it’s not my responsibility to substantiate your expenses. (Our daughter) doesn’t have a copy of the receipt and I didn’t take her to get her dress. If you want to get paid you need to find a way to send me a copy of the receipt without coming into my office. I frankly could care less how you feel about coming here. You’re not welcome here so that is not an option for you. You have boundary issues. Always have. I respected your request for me not to enter the family home and you need to respect my wishes and not enter my home or place of employment unless I ask you too. You can go online and obtain a copy of your statement showing that payment. It’s not a difficult procedure and you can then email it to me.”

My response: “Who cares if I am welcome or not at your office. You are trying to make it difficult for me to get you the information. That is the easiest, fastest and most reliable way. If you don’t want to set a time to meet me outside so you can photocopy the receipt and give it back to me then I will leave it with your receptionist to do so. Stop making a big deal out of nothing. The only boundary issues that were an issue was you coming into the (street name) residence when no one else was in the house. At least there are witnesses at your office to support that all I am doing is dropping off expense documentation that you won’t pay otherwise. I can get someone else to go in instead of me if that will help solve the problem of me being there. People will just think the person is an insured leaving you expenses. Will that work?”

His response: “Do you have difficulty understanding my emails? You, your friends etc are not welcome here. Copy and paste your statement and email it. That is the quickest and easiest method. Stop wasting my time with these emails. You’ve been asked several times in the past not to come here so don’t. It’s a $65 invoice. I’m sure you can wait until you can copy and give to (younger daughter’s name) or deliver to my home mailbox. This isn’t a rush by any stretch of the imagination so stop.”

My response: Firstly, under no circumstance are we to give our girls items to be passed back and forth to each other. That puts them in an awkward position and is unfair and wrong. Stop putting our girls in the middle. I am not providing you with my entire bank statement. It was a credit card bill and I don’t receive those on line. The other expense was someone else picking them up on our behalf and paying with their credit card bill. They installed them and I paid them cash. There is also a fee for them to pick up and install that I forgot until right now so thank you for reminding me. I will make sure I get an invoice from them for that so you can pay your share of the $50 since you didn’t want to be responsible for ensuring any of the conditions to the home were met with any effort on your part. I get a paper copy of my credit card statements and I don’t have it yet for the grad dress and can’t copy it anyway. What are you not understanding? I am not delivering anything to you without a copy because you are untrustworthy. Stop trying to do what you can to make sure you don’t get the receipts. If you are that concerned that I or an independent body will show up at your office to get a copy of a receipt and leave it with you then pay the $65 and your share of the $83 for the smoke detectors as well as $25 for the pick up and install service fee and don’t waste more time for either of us. It may not be a big deal to you but you are not the one financing my expenses. Also, I have pet expenses to give you.”

His Response: “I gave you an option. If you don’t like it then use the options I’ve provided. If you or a representative for you comes to my office I will discuss it with your lawyer and consider a restraining order. This email exchange is very clear. You or anyone on your behalf is not to come here end of story. You can email, use regular mail. Those are your options.”

My response: “Go ahead and try to get a restraining order. I am getting you the receipts the best way that I can. I am not at your office to stalk you, harass you or to carry out any type of violence. I have even proposed someone else attending instead of me. You can’t restrain every single person who knows me from entering your office. You are acting unreasonably. You are bullying me, trying to control me and prevent me from getting you the information you need to pay me. I told you that I have no interest of going there as well and if you want to arrange a time to meet me outside we can if you need copies, otherwise, you can come to my place and view the receipts but this needs to be arranged sooner than later because I need the money.”

I attended his office. One of his partners was standing outside when I arrived. He hugged me and we had a lovely conversation. I said that I was just there to drop off something for (ex’s name) and was he in? He said that he didn’t know as he had just come back and was going to grab a bite to eat. I said it was nice to see him and went inside. I was greeted warmly by my ex’s receptionist. I asked if my ex was in and she wasn’t sure but went to check. My ex came out and whispered he wasn’t going to copy anything. I asked if he wanted me to do it or if he wanted me to ask the receptionist to do it. The receptionist returned to her desk and my ex took all the receipts and copied them.

It has been more than 1 week and I still haven’t received any reimbursement. The invoices total $197.95.

This is how it ends:

Me. “Your emails are really pissing me off. I think of you as little as possible. I don’t forgive you and never will. I want nothing to do with you ever. I can’t even stand to look at your face when I see you and you may not notice but I don’t look at you. There is nothing good about you. I have no memories of you I want to keep or care to even think about. It was all just a waste of time as far as I am concerned. Every time you spew some of your hatred like I screwed up the move or want to push me down by saying something about (my birth mom’s name) and me or whoever and me and saying I haven’t changed I wonder why you can’t just leave me the fuck alone and shut the fuck up. You’re the one who hasn’t moved on. You can’t stop bullying me. I don’t know what your motive is to be involved in my life in anyway but you are not invited. Keep whatever ugliness you have in your heart inside and don’t talk to me about it, text me about it or email me about it, ever. It has nothing to do with you but you want to get involved and offer some mean and negative opinion and I have no idea why except that your heart is just full of evil and needs to spin it constantly. It just reminds me how much I despise you and how lucky I am to not have to have you as part of my life. I could not care less if you live or if you die. Nothing about you matters to me. I feel this way about no one else in the world except you. I suspect that will some how excite you and make you think that you are some how special. Fill your boots but STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.”

My ex: ” Doesn’t sound very Christian like as you claim to be. Anyways the solution is quite easy if my emails piss you off. Stop contacting me. That includes not coming to my home and place of employment. Stop making excuses for coming to see me. Spin it whatever way you want, there’s no reason you had to deliver those receipts. So make it easier on the both of us and discontinue contacting me. ”

Me: “You are fucking hilarious. I am spinning it? You think I want to come and see you? Do you think I was hoping you were in the office? It made zero difference to me if you were there or if you weren’t otherwise I would have called first, I would have worn makeup and I would have dressed nicer than my 10 year old work clothes. Not interested in seeing you, could care less if you see me or what you think of me. Hence my need to tell you to shut the fuck up about anything you feel the need to say to me. I don’t care. Don’t waste your energy thinking about me at all.

It is all about the money and what you owe me and you know dropping off the receipts is the only way right now I could ensure you received a copy of what you owed. So narcissistic of you. Get a grip buddy. You will be contacted by me only when necessary and if it has to be in person, it will be in person. Today, sadly for you, it is only my email you get. Here it is:

Please issue me an e-transfer as per the receipts I gave you in person on Friday. The full amount for (our daughter’s name) grad dress alterations–$65. 50% of the dumping fee to get the house ready to sell–$126.50 (your share is $63.25); 50% of the cat food, cat litter and dog food expenses ($40.87 + $13.43 + $85.10). Your share of the pets is $69.70. The total amount of the e-transfer should be $197.95.

My ex: “Another email from the person who claims they want nothing to do with me yet continues to contact me to tell me how happy she is and has moved on?? Really?? Your constant rants about me would suggest otherwise. You have no reason to come to my office. Pay to copy the items you are wishing reimbursement and either drop off copies at my home address in the mail box, send it by regular mail or email. So that it’s clear, and apparently it’s not since I asked you 5 times last week to not come to my office. DO NOT COME TO MY OFFICE AGAIN unless I choose to extend an invite to you. You are not welcome here and if you chose to do this again, I will escort you right back out the door.”

Me: “More threats from you–yawn. The best way to solve this issue is to pay me based on what I tell you and you can review the receipts at a later date in time convenient to both of us. Try to be mature and take grown up actions. If I’m not welcome at your office, why would you extend an invitation to me? Do you think I’ll be watching the mail for an invite? Have I ever gone to anything you’ve invited me to attend with you in the last 2 plus years?

If it makes you happy to think I am not happy and I haven’t moved on think away. If you want to think you have the biggest cock out there, are the best lover, that I can’t have an orgasm or enjoy sex with anyone else, that you make the most money, are the kindness, nicest, gentlest man, are wiser, more intelligent than any other I could possibly be with, are more educated, funnier, wittier than anyone else in my life right now, are better looking, more athletic, more generous, better to my children than anyone else could possibly be, think, think, think, away. You left in the first place because your thinking was all wrong so why would you change it now? Think what you want but keep your thoughts to yourself. I don’t want you in my life in anyway so I don’t need or want to hear what you think about me, my life or anything else for that matter.”

Me Ex: “Like I’ve repeated in the past, your actions, words etc speak volumes to the bitterness and anger that you have pent up inside. Your repeated actions of entering my home and place of employment despite requests not to do so reveals your true character. You have no boundaries. You don’t respect anyone or their wishes. You’ve been asked by 3 lawyers and who knows how many counselors and yet you continue to defy their advice, requests admonishing to be mature and not have contact.

Believe me I would love for you to move on. Have wanted that for a very long time. Have expressed this many a time to you. You simply can’t let it go. Look at the silliness of the things you write below? Listen to the way and how you speak. You’re still calling me names every chance you get. Unprovoked you have to stand at the top of a mountain and yell out the things you do and then say how happy you are? Doesn’t really make a lot of sense. If your happy that’s great, I’m happy for you. You don’t need to tell me that. If you’re truly happy, everyone will see that. If you have to tell people you’re happy then clearly you’re not.

You seem to think that you can say how happy you are, yet at the same time call me names, put me down, write things about me that are false. Is that the works of a happy person? You come across as such a hypocrite. Claiming to love God and have God in your life and yet you speak the way you do? I think God would be ashamed of you, because you are not exhibiting any signs of a person who has a relationship with God. Do you follow any of the teachings of the God you claim to follow?”

My final remarks: I was done sending any more emails after that. There is no point trying to argue with him against his lies and half truths and it is pointless to try to defend my relationship with God. It is just another way of him trying to make me feel bad. He is always trying to put me on the defensive and I am done.

Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and I certainly understand why. It tears everyone apart. When God brings two people together and a vow is made to him by both parties and to each other to be faithful, to love, honour, etc. how must God feel when one of those people who made that vow suddenly throws everything he was given back in God’s face and acts like it wasn’t good enough, that God doesn’t know what is best. God may feel even worse than I felt because his love is way deeper than how we are capable of loving. The ingratitude he must feel for everything he gave us and did for us. When we are in sin and try to do things our way this is what happens. When we act ungodly chaos ensues and it is devastating on every level. No one should be surprised at the results. Satan is the accuser and it should be no surprise my ex is accusing me of everything he can throw at me.

In response to the rest of his email I do have anger and bitterness around the way my ex continues to treat me, not because of the affair. The frustration that leads me to act out verbally surrounds his continued need to try and control me, making me jump through hoops, bullying me and not following through with his legal responsibilities. I don’t keep it pent up inside as he claims. I speak it, release it and take action to deal with his attempts to treat me unfairly especially in the area of finances. He is clinging very hard to control the financial aspect of my life as that is all that is left between us. Our older daughter is the other area that he tries to use to manipulate me.

It is so interesting that he calls my actions “silliness” and says that I can’t let go. It costs us both time, energy and money every time he does this and lawyers get involved. My solution now is that I won’t pay for anything for my older daughter that my ex is to reimburse because I don’t need the aggravation and I can’t afford it. I will have to go back to my lawyer to get her to collect what is owed through Dave’s lawyer and to go back to the mediator/arbitrator and get her to rewrite her wording regarding my ex’s requirement to pay 50% of the pet expenses. I will ask for him to be required to pay me within 5 days or he will have to incur interest payment to me. A penalty may help with compliance.

I don’t respect my ex at all for his continued behaviour. There is no one else that I am disrespecting. He has never been privy to any conversations between me and my counselors or my lawyer and none of them have told me to not contact him. You reader and my friends have advised me of this but one would expect us to be able to work together for the common good of our children and being able to deal with matters without legal involvement. He never went to counseling to help him to be able to do this and he would not participate with me and the girls to learn how to do this. He hasn’t been able to do it on his own. I really wonder if these are facts in his mind. There is a disconnect of how he processes and understands information and he lacks insight. I have never written anything to him or anyone else about him that is false. I wonder what people say to him that makes him think this. I don’t think we talk to the same people anymore so he is probably going back to when the affair was first discovered. He did try to make a big deal to his lawyer about me going to his house to see my daughter on 2 occasions but my lawyer said nothing about it. Again, he was trying to make an issue out of nothing to distract from real issues he wanted to avoid. I haven’t been back to his house because it isn’t worth it but it is my older daughter who loses because of his accusations and it is so odd that he gave me going to his house as an option to get him receipts when even in these email rants he tells me not to go to his house.

My ex is untrustworthy on every level and proves it over and over again so I cannot trust what he says even in his tirades. If he had really moved on he would accept it and take responsibility for what he owes. He would accommodate me to get him receipts and pay in a timely fashion instead of hanging on for dear life and fighting it.

If he didn’t provoke me there would be no need for a chain of nasty emails. Although my ex feels like I am yelling from a mountaintop he isn’t hearing me. I tried to turn up the volume in my last emails but still nothing. For the most part I keep my cool and handle or get my lawyer to handle but I would think the time is here when enough is enough. If he really wants me to move on then he needs to let me move on by dealing with our current situation in a business-like manner. He needs to move on himself in order to be able to achieve this state.

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cheating, children, deceitfulness, divorce, infidelity, lies, other woman, relationships, Uncategorized

Intuition

It has now been 1 year since I discovered my husband’s affair.

I decided to go back and see what was going on in e-mail conversations during that time.  Unfortunately my phone was replaced so I don’t have text messages between us from back then.

There are some specific things that stand out in my mind.  In January 2013 my husband left me, our 2 daughters and one of their friends waiting at a very busy restaurant for 45 minutes before he showed up.  My daughter had talked to him just 30 minutes before the agreed meeting time.  He failed to answer his cell phone when I was trying to find out where he was and when he did finally arrive he said, “I was out on a claim and I never said I would be here at 6:00 p.m.”  Then he shoved an onion ring in his mouth.  Maybe I was so trusting I accepted what he said; maybe I couldn’t accept another reason at that time; maybe I was too lazy to inquire further or more likely I was just too annoyed, disappointed and hurt.

When I discovered with no doubt an affair was happening, I was so shocked and disbelieving but should I have been?  I realized after the fact that there were some other things I should have questioned further.

The last e-mail where he told me loved me was September 9, 2012.  Our 18th wedding anniversary was September 10 and he joked he was spending the night with his mistress as it was their one year anniversary.  There is a gap in our email conversations from September 27 – October 16 and the emails following that date are about a fight that Dave picked with me upon his return from a couple of days away on business.  He arrived home the weekend of my first 1/2 marathon.  He complained that the house was still as messy as it was when he left and made a way bigger deal of this than seemed reasonable.  He didn’t come to support me at the 1/2 marathon and didn’t bring our girls down to cheer me on.  That was Thanksgiving weekend and when I came home from the race, as sore and tired as I was with blisters on my feet that prevented me from walking without limping, I still put the turkey in the oven and then left the house and went to the beach to get away and to rest.  I returned to put dinner on the table and my husband announced in front of the girls “the stuffing tastes like shit.”

He didn’t want to come with me to my girlfriend’s surprise 40th birthday in November but I finally convinced him that I really wanted him to be there with me.  He always seemed to pick a fight or wouldn’t come with me to meet new friends or do anything with my friends when we had plans to go out.

At his company Christmas party on December 14 he ignored me the entire time.  I noticed a couple of women hanging on to his every word but I didn’t ask about them and looking at them I didn’t see anything special that would make me think my husband was interested.  It turns out that the one woman was the “other woman”.  Something happened the night before at their client party because that date, December 13, came out in a text I found when I discovered the affair.  We left his Christmas party hand in hand.  The 2 girls who talked to him all night followed us out at the same time. I was social that night with his other coworkers and their wives but I was not enjoying myself.  He was drunk and on display so I just let him have his fun.  After all, it was his company party.  I even tried to build up his ego by commenting on the girls hanging off him.

When we went to my sister’s house in Vancouver on December 27 for our family Christmas he got very drunk and told my sister in front of her 3 girls, who are in their 20’s, my kids, and my niece’s boyfriend that if he wasn’t with me he would be with my sister.  When I told my sister about his affair she was stunned but said he was acting so inappropriately at Christmas that she and my nieces were all commenting on it afterwards.  The next day when we were travelling home he was just being mean and not wanting to do the Boxing Day shopping that me and my girls were interested in doing. He said he wasn’t hung over and was feeling well.  He definitely had started to drink a lot more since joining his new company in the summer of 2011.   He had dial-a-driver programmed into his phone.  He had been using this service quite frequently over the previous 6 months.

He told me January 24, 2014 that the guys on his hockey team were taking him out for his birthday the next night. He did have hockey scheduled on the calendar and that was usual for a Friday night.  When I asked where they were going he said to the Keg.  That is a fine dining restaurant, not a boys-going-out-for-a-beer kind of place.   The next night we went out for his birthday to a Pink in the Rink Royals hockey game.   I bought him a chuck-a-puck and he won 2 tickets to Rihanna, hotel and airfare.  When he saw the date of the concert he had a tantrum because it was the day we were to return from our Florida March break vacation.  He stomped and said childishly, “I want to go and you scheduled our trip longer than I wanted you to.”  I was dumbfounded and just looked at him.  Again, this was his behavior in front of our girls.

In February he starts to stay later at work.  I remember calling him on a February Saturday morning just after I dropped my daughter at dance on a Saturday morning reminding him to order tickets to our daughter’s dance recital.  His response was very terse and hurried telling me he had to go out on 3 claims and couldn’t talk.  Usually on Saturday mornings he takes the dog for a hike by himself.  The next Saturday morning in February he tells me he is taking the dog for a hike but not leaving at 10:30 a.m.  He always went alone.  Why was he going at a specific time?  I never questioned this.   My girlfriend invited us to a house-warming party after my daughter’s dance recital and he refused to go.  Another night in February, he wanted to have sex and is mad I don’t feel like using toys.  He turns over and decides then not to have sex with me at all.  On 2 other occasions in February it took a long time for him to get an erection.  I found a bottle of lubrication in our bathroom.  I asked him what it was doing on the counter and he tells me he was looking at the ingredients in it.  On February 14 when we last had sex it was very different; aggressive and raunchy.  I asked him afterwards who he was having sex with because it wasn’t me.  February 18 he mentions separation.  On February 26 he told me he contacted our tenants at our home in Cambridge Ontario saying we were going to sell the home.  That shocked me.  He was moving quickly to get rid of our assets.  I mentioned that our banker suggested a spousal RRSP and he said, “What if you aren’t going to continue to be my spouse?”  I remember talking to him in the kitchen and thinking that he was looking at me as though he despised me.  On the evening of February 26 I was sobbing and begging my husband to not just leave but to go to counseling to work on our marriage.  He said that I would never change.

In Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she indicates that “…psychologists believe that intuition is a rapid-fire, unconscious associating process–like a mental puzzle.  The brain makes an observation, scans its files, and matches the observation with existing memories, knowledge, and experiences.  Once it puts together a series of matches, we get a “gut” on what we’ve observed.”

On February 28 he was leaving to go to Vancouver the next morning.  We were watching t.v. together but he got up suddenly to say he was going to bed because he had to get up early in the morning.  I told him we wouldn’t see each other before he left so we should hug goodbye now.  He sighed with annoyance.  I said, “You don’t want to hug me goodbye?”  He said, “No, you can hug me.”  It was exactly at that moment that my gut finally made me check my husband’s phone.

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