affair, divorce, other woman

Is Lying Hereditary?

I am guessing that my ex lied to cover up his affair and activities to support the affair to protect himself. When I asked specifically, “Are you having an affair?” he lied and said, “No.” He also avoided the question when I posed it in an email. Hence, the reason I searched his phone to discover the truth.

When he was caught he spent months downplaying that it was really anything despite me having the text messages between them saying how much they loved each other and the sexual things they were doing and the plans they were making for the future. It was clear that the affair had been going on way longer than he admitted and it was clear he was leading a double life with respect to still being intimate with me and pretending all was normal in our family life.

After finding out about the affair and he was out of the house, another nugget of information showing his relationship with an ex-girlfriend was provided to me. I was shocked by the things he was saying he wanted to do with my girlfriends. I have no idea why he would even think the things he was saying would benefit the ex he was obviously trying to impress. He always told me he could never be interested in any of my closest best friend. Not only was I see the truth about that but now there was a history that was revealed that I was completely unaware of where he was trying to woo back his ex-girlfriend from 23 years period. When I confronted him with exact conversations I was reading between him and his ex-girlfriend, he again denied it and then tried to get rid of the written evidence. There was no way he could have thought I was fishing for information. It was too specific. How could he deny it to me. Did he really believe what he was saying?

Recently, when I had absolute proof that he was denying still being involved with Janice Andrews, the other woman he got caught in the affair with, and saw how he was flirting with someone else in the insurance industry and making dating plans with her, he again denied it and tried to make it out as though my friend (who knows the women he was coming on to and who was returning the affection and flirtation back to my ex) was crazy, had a restraining order against her and then proceeded to call her names like “transvestite”.

He is a master deflector. This I knew from our history together in trying to get him to take accountability for things. But I was blind-sided by the double life I was discovering and the deceitful activities and conversations he had going on behind my back. I had completely trusted him, trusted his love for God and the truth, so never even dreamed to not take him at his word on activities or thoughts he shared with me.

I have, however, caught him in story-telling lies. Ways he tries to make himself seem more interesting than he is or more important than he is. I never embarrassed him or called him out on these lies even in private afterwards. I attributed it to drinking and harmless, building him up to impress, ego-inflated elaborations.

A couple of things of interest. My ex and his brother would discuss their father’s same style of lying and storytelling. They even got their mom involved in the last one that I was aware of–their dad being part of the CIA. He told them that the 50-year secrecy expiration period was up so he was now able to disclose that he actually lost his eye to a bullet and not from an accident. Their mom said she had no reason not to believe him.

The other lie that my ex’s brother told us about was that their dad claimed he used to run the 100 meter in a time that was faster than the Olympic record.

When his dad was last out visiting us he was telling me a story that someone had been telling him that he deemed to be a lie. He told me that he said to this person, “Don’t bullshit a bull shitter.”

They are many other stories that always seemed fabricated to me that my father-in-law would share. He always was claiming that some big firm, even while into his 70’s, wanted to pay him big bucks to work for them but nothing ever materialized. He made what ended up being terrible business investments and even took our money and our friends’ money for these investments and continually claimed that we were so close to a huge payout from our investment. He also claimed he was abused as a child and into his teens. Not sure now if any of this was true.

I found this article written for CNN news by medical health expert Dr. Charles Raison, psychiatrist, Emory University Medical School:

“There is a type of extreme lying that does indeed appear to have a strong genetic component. Officially known as “pseudologia fantastica,” this condition is characterized by a chronic tendency to spin out outrageous lies, even when no clear benefit to the lying is apparent. Often people with this affliction seem unable to even recognize that they are lying, and they seem blind to where truth ends and falsehood starts. Probably the greatest portrayal of this in literature is Willie Loman in the play “Death of a Salesman” by Arthur Miller.

This type of extreme lying does often start at a fairly early age and can be a lifelong tendency and serious problem. And often it doesn’t exist in isolation, but is part of a larger pattern of chronic symptoms that clinicians refer to as “sociopathy.” These symptoms include a tendency toward criminal behavior, an inability to control one’s impulses and/or make future plans, explosive anger and tendency toward physical violence, a reckless disregard for the safety of self or others, a pattern of irresponsible behavior and — probably most important — an inability to understand and/or respect the rights of other people.

People with antisocial personality often start life as hyperactive kids who bully others, who lie, who are constantly in trouble with authorities and get into drugs and alcohol by their teen years, and who often display striking cruelty to animals…Many studies have shown that antisocial behavior is highly genetic. For example, studies have shown that the children of criminals in prison have much higher rates of developing antisocial personality than the average population, even if they are adopted into “good” families and have never met their imprisoned parents.

Having said this, however, it is also clear that the best protection one can give a child who is genetically at risk for antisocial personality disorder is a consistent, firm, but loving family environment growing up. Studies show that genetically at-risk children are much more likely to become sociopaths as adults if they are raised in abusive or neglectful homes, or are subject to severe physical punishment for their wrongdoing.

What about treatment? Unfortunately, no one has ever discovered a medication or type of psychotherapy that consistently works for adults with antisocial personality — a fact that contributes greatly to the tragedy of the disorder, both for the sufferer and — even more unfortunately — for family members and others that are often damaged in one way or another by the person. This fact really highlights how important it is to intervene early in the lives of young people who are clearly heading in this very bad direction.

This disorder is characterized by a longstanding pattern of disregard for other people’s rights, often crossing the line and violating those rights. This pattern of behavior has occurred since age 15 (although only adults 18 years or older can be diagnosed with this disorder) and is marked by the presence of the majority of these symptoms:

• failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
• deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
• impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;
• irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
• reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
• consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
• lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.”

Concerning to me is the fact that not only do I recognize these traits and characteristics in my father-in-law and ex but also in my child.

Uncategorized

Happy Birthday Husband!

On Sunday, January 26, it was my husband’s 46th birthday. It was his weekend with our girls. Our oldest daughter has only recently started to see him again and it is sporadic–“free food” is how she describes their relationship. Our 11-year old daughter had dance practice on Friday and he picked her up afterwards, took her for dinner and she slept at his house. On Saturday she made plans to stay at her friend’s place overnight so he dropped her off at her friend’s place at noon. She never plans sleep overs when I have her for the weekend, only on her weekend with her dad.

With my husband having no child to look after on Saturday night it made me wonder if my husband’s girlfriend would be taking him out to celebrate his birthday and reminisce over their hook up that same night a year ago. I went to a movie on Saturday night and was constantly looking to see if they might show up. I haven’t run into them yet but it is so rare that I go out that I just kept expecting to see them holding hands and smiling and laughing together. They may have gone to the Keg and back to her place again.

On Saturday, he texted my older daughter and asked if she was going to “pop by” on Sunday. She asked me, “Why would I pop by to see dad?” She texted back, “No”.

I didn’t tell either daughter it was his birthday. It might be selfish but after I found out about his affair I confronted him about an item on our joint Visa card. He confirmed he was with his girlfriend on the night before his birthday last year. He originally told me that he was playing hockey and the guys on his team were taking him out for his birthday. Instead, my husband and his girlfriend went to the Keg (the restaurant that my husband and I always went to with our girls for special occasions). They had dinner and then went back to her place and had sex. Her husband was out of town. My husband not only confirmed this happened he was cruel enough to tell me, “It was the best birthday gift I ever gave myself.”

The actual day of his birthday last year we went as a family to a hockey game. He still uses a photo from this night as his Facebook photo–all smiles with the girls. We gave him an iPad as his gift but clearly that didn’t compare to the gift he gave himself. Those words resonate with me today so even though I gave him a lovely Father’s Day gift and Christmas gift from the girls, I refuse to acknowledge his birthday in an any respect ever again.

cheating, confrontation, control, infidelity, lawyer, other woman

The Other Woman

On March 5, 2013, I was driving home from my lawyer’s office. I was close to the location of the other woman’s office. I knew where she worked because of the e-mail address of her text messages and e-mails to my husband.

On a whim, I decided to pay her a visit. I pulled into the parking lot, parked in the visitor parking and entered the building. It was a 3-story office building. The front lobby was very busy, the front information desk was crowded and I had no idea how I would find her. I looked at the directory and noticed that the Risk Management Department was on the 3rd floor. I knew again by her e-mail and texts that this was the department where she worked.

I walked up to the 3rd floor and saw a maze of cubicles. I just stood and stared wondering how on earth I would find her. Then I saw a sign over a door to my right that said “Risk Management Department”. I walked through. No one was at the front reception so I continued passed it walking down a corridor with open cubicles to each side. On my right, a woman asked if she could help me. I told her I was looking for J.A. I said that I was Tiffany. It was a name that I remembered from the other woman’s Facebook page that of course I checked out when I discovered the affair. The woman said she was in and went to tell her that I was here. I was considering following her down the corridor and into the office where she turned but I remained standing where I was. The woman came back out and said she would be with me in a moment. She told me I could sit down. I remained standing. The woman returned to her desk to my right. Another woman came out of J.A.’s office, smiling, saying also, “She’ll be with you in a minute.” That woman took a seat at her desk to my left. I would have an audience. Then a man exited J.A.’s office, looked down at me and turned the other way into the office beside J. A. Then J. A. came out of her office towards me. I was not aware at the time that she knew what I looked like or that she was the one that lingered by my husband the entire evening of his company Christmas party on December 14, 2012, hanging on his every word.

She started to walk towards me, looked at me and hesitated but kept moving forward. “Are you J.A.”, I asked?

“Yes”, she said.

“I’m R.C. I just wanted to see the face of the woman who is fucking my husband and I thought you might want to see the face of the woman who’s family you are contributing in tearing apart.”

She bowed her head and said, “I’m sorry.”

“That’s nice”, I said. “I’ve never got a sorry from my husband.” “Just to let you know I have a lab requisition to get tested for a multitude of sexually transmitted diseases. I’ll be kind enough to extend to you the courtesy of letting you know if I have anything. It might not be from you. For all I know, he could be fooling around with other women.” Then I turned and walked out. I heard her say, “I’m sorry, R.” as my back was turned to her and I was leaving.

I arrived home about 20 minutes later and walked through the front door. My phone was ringing. It was my lawyer. He said to me that I didn’t tell him I was going to leave his office and go and make a scene at the other woman’s office. I told him that I didn’t know I was going to do that. He said that if he had known that he would have told me not to do it. He said that he gave me the name of a counselor so I could talk to her about my feelings and not act out on them. He said that he had hoped I would be working with him and that if I had feelings to do something like that again to tell him and not to do it.

I have no regrets. It felt great. I am very glad that I confronted her.

cheating, children, emails, family, feelings, infidelity, insensitivity, marriage breakdown, relationships

The sensitivity of a gnat

My husband’s birthday is January 26. He was already having sex with the other woman by this time. He actually celebrated his birthday with her after playing hockey on Friday, January 25. They went to the Keg for dinner. I assumed he was out with his hockey buddies having some beers celebrating his birthday. I was home with our girls.

In the summer at a golf tournament, my husband won tickets for a Royals hockey game. He could choose any game to attend. He chose 4 tickets on the date of his birthday to attend the Royals Pink in the Rink Game raising funds for breast cancer. We attended as a family all dressed in pink.

I bought my husband and kids souvenir scarves to wear as well as 8 ‘chuck a-pucks’ to throw out during one of the intermissions. We split the pucks so we each had 2 to throw. My husband won closest to one of the 3 circles. I went to collect his prize. The prize was 2 tickets to the Rihanna concert on April 1 in Vancouver, hotel for the night and air fare. The prize package was probably worth about $1000. When I gave my husband his prize he thought it was great. We were all so excited. The girls indicated they wanted to go to the concert so we talked briefly about how we would have to see if we could get 2 more tickets.

Then we looked at the date of the concert. It was the date we were booked to fly home from Florida. My husband literally had a tantrum. He yelled at me that I booked our trip to come home from Florida that day and he hadn’t wanted to stay that long in Florida in the first place. It was all my fault we now wouldn’t be able to go to the concert and he wanted to go. I suggested that we could do something; maybe change our return flight home to a day earlier or still go the concert as we arrived home 5 hours before the concert started. I suggested that maybe we could fly from Florida into Vancouver instead of Victoria and I was trying to think in my mind how we would handled our luggage, etc.

Firstly, I couldn’t believe he was acting this way and then acting this way in front of the kids. Yes, it would have been nice to go to the concert but it was on a Monday night, there were only 2 tickets so we either had to get 2 more tickets for the kids and the kids would miss school the next day or we had to find them some place to stay on a school night while we attended. We have no family here to look after the kids. We would also need to find someone to look after the dog if we went over night. It wasn’t simple logistically to figure out so wasn’t it a great prize to sell to someone else and take the money to use on our vacation? Plus, wasn’t our family vacation going to be great enough. It was our Christmas gift to the kids. Wouldn’t we want that extra day to enjoy Disney World?

I mentioned his tantrum and how his behaviour made me feel and he did apologize to me afterwards. We decided to sell the tickets.

On March 5, 2013 my husband made comments to me about e-mails that I sent my friends including a photograph of the girl that I thought was the other woman. I thought the only way he could possibly know this is because he went onto my computer when he came in the house with no one here as we knew he had done the night before when he knew the rest of us were out of the house.

When I called my husband out on that he said in an email to me on March 5, 2013 @ 9:00 a.m.:

“No…I’ve been told what you’re sending to people…. but you went through my emails? Isn’t that a little hypocritical of you?”

He is referring to me taking his Blackberry on February 28 to see if I could find any evidence of indiscretions. I responded by e-mail on March 5, 2013 @ 12:37 p.m.:

“I never went through your e-mails–ever in the 23 years I have been with you. I’ve never snooped through your drawers, pockets, pagers, phones, etc. I don’t even know how to use your Blackberry. Sadly, I trusted you explicitly and let you live your life completely free. I never once thought you would do this to us and our family. I thought you loved me. I thought you loved your kids. I thought you loved and valued everything we built together. I am devastated. I am betrayed. I am the saddest person on this planet right now. I ache so deeply for this loss especially for my children who have lost every security they thought they had. It is unrepairable. This will affect forever the relationships that they will have. The best gift my parents every gave me was raising me in a secure marriage. I am so sad I can’t give my children that gift. I am so sad my husband didn’t love or respect me enough to fight for our marriage, to fight for our family, to go to counseling like I suggested. I got counselor names, I told you how much I loved you and would do anything for you. I am sad that my kids know that you gave up on us. That we weren’t enough for you.”

His response on March 6, 2013 @ 7:57 a.m.:

“Did you pack the Rihanna tickets somewhere. I haven’t seen them and would like to sell them.”

cheating, children, control, deceitfulness, family, father/daughter, infidelity, lawyer, legal advice, legal proceedings, parenting, property disposal, relationships, separation, threats

Husband gets a lawyer

On March 4, 2013 @ 12:23 p.m. my husband sends me the following email:

“I’ve sent your email to my lawyer and you have no legal right to do anything with my belongings. You will be receiving a letter today which will be a cease and desist order. When I’ve got my accommodations sorted out I will pick up the remaining contents.”

I received an e-mail from his lawyer on March 4, 2013 @ 2:33 p.m. stating the following:

“Please be advised that we represent (husband). It has come to our attention that you have been removing and disposing of his personal property. This action needs to stop immediately. My client has been attempting to reasonably vacate the premises in an orderly and cooperative manner. He is still an owner of the property and there is no reason that his property needs to be removed in anything but a reasonable manner. My client simply needs a reasonable amount of time to find another place and he can collect his belongings once that happens.”

I respond by e-mail to my husband’s lawyer on March 5, 2013 @ 8:02 a.m. with a copy to my husband:

“None of (husband’s) property has ever been disposed. As a matter of fact, I rescued his Arsenal hat from the garbage. When I asked my daughter why daddy’s hat was in the garbage she said, “Because the slut was wearing it in the photo.” My daughter also said she couldn’t believe that I packed up his belongings so nicely in boxes and bags and placed everything in a neat and organized manner and easy location inside the house for him to access. She also was upset that I gave him “everything” instead of keeping some things that she thought should be ours to keep. When (husband) was not able to pick up very many items, we just had them delivered to the building in which he is an owner and where he claims to spend most of his time. The items were delivered shortly before he arrives at the office, well labeled, well protected and sheltered.

He was asked to pick up the rest of his items while I was at the house and to give me advanced notice. This is because it is not appropriate for him to be walking around the premises when someone is not here and removing items without my knowledge. Furthermore, my children have been very traumatized by his appearances at the house.

While I was at a school function last night with my older daughter, we both received frantic texts and phone calls that my younger daughter was “freaking out” because (husband) was at the house when we weren’t there and without our knowledge or permission. She was sure he was “stealing” our dog. When he was at our house the first time, my daughter called to me frantically saying that daddy came to the house 30 minutes before he was supposed to be there. She didn’t want to be there and she didn’t want the dog to be there when he arrived. She was hiding because she didn’t want him to see her. She was shaking because she needed to leave the house so I had to help her go out the front door with the dog and to just keep walking and not look back. She had her friend call another mom to come over because s he was afraid of what her dad might do to me. She called me on the phone 45 minutes later asking why he was still at the house saying his truck position had moved and was backed up to the garage and she was sure he was taking my things that are in the garage to dump because he always threatened to do this. Although I assured her that her daddy wouldn’t be wasting his time doing that now, the thoughts that have been going through my children’s heads are real to them.

Both my children are not sleeping, have been missing school since Friday and are incredibly anxious, emotional, scared and worried. It is upsetting to my older daughter that her dad didn’t come to her school last night to hear about her Experiential Learning Program that she is going to be a part of this upcoming term and that he chose not to be involved in parent/teacher interviews. It is even more upsetting to her that he used that opportunity while we were out of the house to do yet another thing that she considers to be deceitful. She is terrified to be at the house by herself because she thinks he is going to come by and/or try to contact her.

It appears that (husband) came through the house and did take the rest of his items. There doesn’t appear to be anything left in the garage that belongs to him. I trust that there will be no reason for him to come by our home again unannounced. If there is something that he might need in the future that he thinks he left here, I will be happy to try and locate that item and leave it outside our home at a time convenient to us both for him to retrieve this.”

The only response I received was from my husband on March 5, 2013 @ 8:24 a.m. by e-mail:

“Do you think (my lawyer) cares about my Arsenal hat or any of the other drivel that you put in the email? The simple fact is you have no right to restrict my access to the house to get, store or use my belongings. I am a legal owner of the property and am entitled to any of the benefits that an owner may enjoy.

I am trying to be nice and accommodating to you. But when you threaten to throw out my belongings on the driveway or leave them out front my office that is not rational or acceptable. So I went and got most of my things. There are still others that I will retrieve when I am able.

Stop using the kids in this process. Stop making them feel insecure and hiding them in the house and allowing crazy irrational behaviours. You are perpetuating things that aren’t real and that is simply unacceptable. You are attempting to punish me through the kids and that is petty, childish and frankly wrong. You can either start to accept what has happened, move forward and start to work with me or I will retain legal counsel to commence action for my rights to the kids. Take your pick.”

cheating, control, debt, deceitfulness, family, infidelity, legal proceedings, lies, marriage breakdown, other woman, parenting, relationships, separation

My emotions start spilling out

On Monday, March 4 at 7:24 a.m. my husband sends the following e-mail:

“Can you tell me why you’ve put $30,000 on our line of credit?”

I respond at 9:27 a.m.: “You are the one who owes me explanations, not the other way around.”

He responds at 9:37 a.m.:

“I’m happy to discuss whatever you’d like to chat about. What I would appreciate is you stopping the childish behaviour so that we can all try and move on. I asked a valid question and you come back with a childish response. I ask you that I would like to leave my stuff until I can get a rental and you dump it in front of the office. If that’s what makes you feel better fantastic but you aren’t helping us to move forward. I sure hope you didn’t have the kids involved in that little stunt. Really makes you look petty in the long run.

Anyways I’ve got a line on a rental basement suite on (street that leads to my street) that I wanted to discuss with you. Are you open to this?

My response at 11:21 a.m.:

“I am so glad you’d be “happy” to discuss whatever I want. We know how important it is for it to be (husband’s name) who is happy at the expense of everyone else. So here is my “chat”.

Don’t you dare talk to me about being childish and don’t you dare try to pull your morality bullshit with me. I don’t give a shit what you appreciate–You want to leave your stuff here, you want to live in the neighbourhood, you want to fuck who you want to fuck and come home and play house. You couldn’t even tell me the truth when I asked you point blank. If you had have acted like a man instead of a child we wouldn’t be in this place. You would have just manned up and said you met someone else and moved out and no one would have seen your depraved fucked up love life spilled out and now spewed and polluted in our minds forever. If you had have been a man you would have said you couldn’t meet us for dinner at Red Robin instead of making us wait 45 minutes while you were with your GF/LF and then lied and tried to make me look like the idiot by saying you never said you’d be there for 6 and had a claim to go out on. If you had have been a man you wouldn’t have lied about going out for your birthday with your hockey team, your phone being on vibrate so you couldn’t hear it, working, working, working and then us finding out you are even missing work to be with someone other than your family. And how dare you fuck someone else and come back and fuck me so now I have to go and be concerned about my health. Even children know better, are less selfish and have more of a conscience, more of a heart and sense of well-being and concern for others. Only children can be as ungrateful as you are for what you had. You are the petty one in the long and short run.

I want nothing to do with you and I want you as far away from me as possible. If I never, ever see you again it will be way too soon.

So let’s try this again:

I want your stuff gone from our house. You can tell me today when would be the most convenient time for you to pick it up on Tuesday and I will do my best to accommodate that time. I will have everything in the driveway for you. Your bike and hockey equipment will be there so be prepared to make 2 trips if necessary. There isn’t that much stuff left but if you do not do this, I will be kind enough to hire a delivery service directly to your office for your convenience. You can get a storage unit. I will no longer be your storage unit for anything. I also expect you to stay to the time window you tell me. Do not come earlier and do not come later.

You’re concerned about the $30,000? Maybe if you were more concerned with our finances and your family than what you have been concerned about lately and sat down to create a budget with me like I asked you would know we have no money right now to pay for a family vacation and at the same time pay for you to have another life on the side, our daughter in private school, our other daughter with all her new dance expenses and our regular ooh oohs like needing new tires and new brakes, etc. I used the $30,000 to pay the Visa, Amex, trip, etc. It is all documented and the transfers will be shown on our account.

I was disappointed by you yet again when you managed to take all the documents I left out for you except the legal information. If you say you want the kids to be a priority then get your legal affairs in order now so we can move forward with the separation agreement. That is the one way you can start to let them know and me to know that you do want to make them a priority in your life.”

(my name)

cheating, control, family, father/daughter, friendship, infidelity, marriage breakdown, mother/daughter, other woman, passive/aggressive, separation

Disposing of my husband’s belongings

My husband told me that he would arrive at 2:00 p.m. on Sunday, March 3, 2013 to pick up his belongings.

I had everything neatly packed in garbage bags and boxes and left at the back door of our unrented suite in our downstairs. I left the door unlocked so he could just come in. My daughter planned to go over to her friend’s house before her dad arrived. She did not want to see him. She felt strongly about taking our dog with her as she didn’t want her dad to see the dog. My younger daughter was already at a friend’s home. My older daughter came in with her friend at 1:20 p.m. to get the dog to leave. She was just heading down the stairs when she saw her dad’s vehicle pull into the driveway. He arrived at 1:30 p.m.; a half hour early.

My older daughter went into sheer panic. She was mad he was early; she was mad she hadn’t left earlier; she was mad she was trapped in the house; she was mad she was almost out the door and if she had been he would have seen her; she was mad he was in the garage instead of in the back getting his belongings; she was mad he was in the garage for a very long time. I finally told her to just go out the front door and not look back, that daddy was in the garage and wouldn’t see her. She was afraid he was going to exit the garage as she was leaving but she took the dog, I opened the door and she and her friend left the house.

Just as I opened the front door for them to leave a girlfriend of mine had arrived and was standing on the front porch. Her son had contacted her (my daughter’s friend that she just left with) to say that my husband had arrived. She wanted to be with me for support while he moved out his belongings and she wanted to be there for me in case he tried to come upstairs to see me. I had all the doors locked leading to where I was and since he didn’t have anything to say to me the day he left when he knew I knew about the affair, I suspected he still had nothing to say to me.

I’m not sure how long he was there–one hour, maybe an hour and a half max. I did feel emotional. I felt a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. I wanted him to want to talk to me. I wanted him to try to make an effort to see me. I wanted him to be asking me for forgiveness, to say he was sorry, to say he would do anything to fight for our marriage and that it was all a terrible mistake on his part. I know that I told him I didn’t want to see him or talk to him but I wished he felt so much anguish and regret over his actions that he had do anything to apologize. But he didn’t. Eventually he was done and he just got in his vehicle and left.

After he was gone I went downstairs. Instead of taking all his belongings like I asked, he opened bags and left them strewn around the room. Now I felt anger. He said he would be at our home for 2 p.m. and came a half hour earlier. Now instead of coming to get all of his belongings, he only took a few things.

My girlfriend had stayed in touch with her son and told him that he and my daughter could come back as her dad had left. My daughter was equally as mad that he didn’t take all his things. She wanted to pack up everything and dump his stuff at the home of the other woman. I also wanted to remove his items from our house but not in a mean-spirited manner. I wanted to take away his control for being able to come back when he pleased to get the rest of his things. I didn’t want him popping in at his convenience or whenever he felt he needed something. I wanted to help him to move out his belongings and I was giving him the benefit of the doubt that he must not have been able to take everything all on his own or surely he would have. Maybe he couldn’t fit everything in his truck.

We could help. And so we did. I felt better already doing something to take back the control.

My girlfriend, her 16-year old son, my 15-year old daughter and I filled 2 cars with his belongings. We stopped to get a bite to eat first and then drove to my husband’s office. He is a partner in the company where he works. His company owns the building where he works. Therefore I was not dumping on public property. I had sought the advice of a friend in law enforcement before I did this. She also told me that I had to be careful that his belongings were protected. His office is on the 3rd floor of an outside walk up. His belongings would be protected from being seen by the street below and they were protected from weather by a covered roof.

When we arrived at my husband’s office, we noticed one of his colleagues coming down the stairs. It was Sunday but not uncommon for them to go into the office to catch up on work over the weekend. When he left, my girlfriend went around the back of the office to the parking lot. My husband’s vehicle was there! It was daylight still so we left and came back home. We waited until dark and went back at around 10:00 p.m. No on was there now. We took all of his belongings and left them outside his office with signs all around that said, “Property of (Husband’s Name)”. My daughter also left a framed photo that said “#1 Dad” and changed it to read “Worst Dad”. She felt strongly about leaving it on top of his belongings. There were probably about 25 garbage bags and 4 boxes.

It was another bonding moment for my daughter and me. We were bonding over a situation that we both wished we were not involved but it was a way for us to deal with the sexual text messages and e-mails that we found on my husband’s phone. It was a way that we were able to support each other, express our anger, take some control and send a message to my husband and her dad that we can dispose of his belongings the way he chose to dispose of his family for another woman.

cheating, control, family, father/daughter, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships, separation

Taking control in keeping cheating husband out of home

Husband’s response to my direction on how he can pick up his things after discovery of his affair with another woman. Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 8:46 a.m. he sends the following e-mail:

“I respect what everyone wants, but you can’t just box up my stuff when I have no place to go at the moment. I will be looking for a place immediately and when I’ve found it I will then move out my things.”

On Saturday, March 2, 2013 at 2:03 p.m. I sent the following e-mail:

“I can just pack up all your stuff and I have already done this. It is at the back door where I said it would be. All of your clothes, including what was lying in your dirty piles and in the laundry bags. I’ve packed up your shoes, coat hangers, toiletries, scotch, scotch glasses, a shot glass, brief case, your passport, ipad, back scratcher and coats. I’ve packed up the books and everything that was in and on your night stand as well as everything on top of your dresser.

If you respect what everyone wants; respect what everyone wants. Please make no plans to stay in this house and follow the direction I already gave you about making arrangements to come by. I am trying to be really clear in saying that the girls feel enormous stress over the possibility of seeing you.

You managed to spend a lot of our money over the past 3 months on things that do not benefit our family and in fact have harmed our family deeply. You can get 3 nights at the Strathcona for what you just spent at the Gap yesterday. There are 57 hotels in Victoria that offer rooms from $53/night. That is 2 nights hotel stay for less than the cost of you to take your girlfriend to dinner at the places you’ve been treating her. That is less than the cost of one Pandora charm. Take this opportunity for my approval to spend our money on a hotel that you can share with her.

You managed to get inventive when you needed a place to fuck your girlfriend. Get inventive now. Hostels are $19/bed. Sleep in your car, get a Rec Centre membership to shower, sleep in your office, on (friend’s name) boat, on (another friend’s name) couch (all these people have a relationship with you and your girlfriend and (friend’s name) has been through this game before so you have people to help you.) You can get weekly hotel room rates at 45% off the regular price. Check out the Admiral Inn. You get breakfast, weekly cleaning and mid week cleaning.

You managed to not be at our house when we all wanted you to be here. Continue to think that way and you will come up with solutions that will keep you from our home.

We had no say in the timing of this. You made that decision for our family. In the same way, you don’t get to have a say in the timing for you to find a new place. It is now. We don’t care where you go as long as it isn’t here. You don’t get to have your shopping spree in Vancouver, your drunken evenings where you planned to drunk text your girlfriend, your sporting event with your friends the next day and then the Sunday you planned on spending with your girlfriend on your return and then think you can come back here. I am sure it will be very romantic for your girlfriend to help you find a place together. You knew what was going down when you left here on Friday morning and you still made the decision to carry on with your personal plans. We have no choice but to carry on as well and we are carrying on without you.

As a reflection, when you do have the chance to speak to (15-year old daughter name), your apology Friday morning was hurtful. You told her you were sorry that she caught you, not sorry for what you did and how your actions have changed her life and her relationship with you forever. Sadly, I believe that is your genuine sentiment. As long as that is how you see things, there is nothing beneficial that will come to (daughter’s name) from you talking to her.”

(my name)

cheating, control, infidelity, other woman, relationships

My husband messages me for the first time after learning I know of his affair with another woman

On Friday, March 1, 2013 at 8:48 a.m. my husband makes his first comments to me regarding my discovery of his affair with another woman. He has just left our home about 2 hours prior to travel to Vancouver for a social/business weekend with some other guys from his office. He has only told my 15-year old daughter prior to walking out the door that he was sorry she saw the sexually explicit messages between him and the other woman and he wants to talk to her about it when he returns on Sunday. His first response to me via email is:

“That was nice of you to copy my parents. I get your anger towards me but to be vindictive and send that to them was wrong. I won’t go to Florida. Please cancel my flight”.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Tag Archives: Husband