affairs, Betrayal, cheating, confrontation, control, deceitfulness, divorce, follow your gut, moving on

I May Run Slow but I Don’t Run Back

My ex ran with me once. We ran a 10K route around a couple of lakes near our home. It was very hot I remember. I also remember his description of my pace: “turtlish”.

We separated March 1, 2013 and on Mother’s Day that year we had a phone discussion about the possibility of reuniting. He told me, “I will have to be gone a long time.” Thinking he meant we couldn’t just go back to co-habitating after his affair I confirmed that I didn’t want him back living with me. I made it clear it would be really difficult for me to have him back at all let alone be with him intimately. He agreed that would be difficult for me but seemed far more concerned that I confirm to him that we did have a really good sex life. I found that odd since he was the one that had the affair, not me. He thanked me for talking to him and acknowledged how hard it must be for me to listen when he was acknowledging some of the lies he told me and where he was instead. We followed up our call with an email just confirming it was good to be talking.

The next evening, Monday, I was trying to get in touch with him about picking up our children on Tuesday to spend time with them. His cell phone kept going straight to voice mail and I had never experienced that before. It made me think that maybe he was talking to someone else. Would he really be talking to the other woman after our conversation the night before? Maybe he was breaking things off with her.

On a hunch, I opened the phone book and called the “Andrews” listed in the book that had an address in the area of the Starbucks where they would habitually meet. Remember I had copies of the text messages between them and one confirmed they were meeting at Starbucks and reconfirmed by my ex, “the one by your house”.

I called the first number I thought was in the area thinking I might get a busy signal. It rang, so if this was the right number my ex wasn’t on the phone with her. A man answered the phone. “Hi, Is Janice there?” I asked politely. “No she isn’t”, he said. I was shocked. “Janice Andrews lives there?” I asked. “Yes”, he replied. “The one who works for the M of S,” I asked. “Yes”, he said. “Who are you?” I asked. “I am her husband,” he replied. “Who are you?” he asked. “I am the wife of the man who is fooling around with your wife”, I said.

At around 11:00 p.m. my ex contacted me seeing that I had called his cell phone. He didn’t answer my calls because he was at a movie with Janice. Wow, I guess he felt he “needed to be gone a long time” because he thought he would spend his days and nights away from me, his home, and his kids continuing his affair. I knew then and there I would never look back again. I felt that resolve on March 1, 2013 when his response to me finding out about the affair was to walk out the door and not say a word to me and to continue on his trip to Vancouver with his friends. My gut, my decision on Day 1, my knowing in my heart and head as well, that this man was a complete fraud that I wanted nothing to do with ever again, was reaffirmed.

Since then I have made it clear to him that we will never get back together. He has sent numerous emails and texts over the last 2 years giving reasons why he thinks that I must still want him back. He did this as recently as last week, March 3, 2105. The day before that I tried to turn up the volume on expressing my feelings for him to help him get the message.

I texted on March 2, 2015: “The way you continue to live is repulsive to me. You are repulsive to me. There is nothing about you–your character, your lifestyle, your parenting, your choices, your personality, your looks, your employment, money, nothing that makes me desire you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Say what you want; think what you want. I am not interested in you on any level. It is your narcissistic personality, your ego, your id that makes you believe I am angry and haven’t moved on emotionally. You are correct in saying you couldn’t be a good husband to me and I deserve better. I think you said that out of false humility or maybe your super ego is coming through. I don’t know if you recognize what a creep you are or what but I am so done caring.”

He is a little “turtlish” in his understanding that I do not want him back.

The divorce process for me has also been turtlish. My ex tries to manipulate and control everything even when, financially, things are so in his favour. This is my marathon. I am tired, have a lot of chafing and blisters, but all I can do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward, until I cross the finish line.

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cheating, confrontation, control, infidelity, lawyer, other woman

The Other Woman

On March 5, 2013, I was driving home from my lawyer’s office.  I was close to the location of the other woman’s office.  I knew where she worked because of the e-mail address of her text messages and e-mails to my husband.

On a whim, I decided to pay her a visit.  I pulled into the parking lot, parked in the visitor parking and entered the building.  It was a 3-story office building.  The front lobby was very busy, the front information desk was crowded and I had no idea how I would find her.  I looked at the directory and noticed that the Risk Management Department was on the 3rd floor.  I knew again by her e-mail and texts that this was the department where she worked.

I walked up to the 3rd floor and saw a maze of cubicles.  I just stood and stared wondering how on earth I would find her.  Then I saw a sign over a door to my right that said “Risk Management Department”.  I walked through.  No one was at the front reception so I continued passed it walking down a corridor with open cubicles to each side.  On my right, a woman asked if she could help me.  I told her I was looking for J.A.  I said that I was Tiffany.  It was a name that I remembered from the other woman’s Facebook page that of course I checked out when I discovered the affair.  The woman said she was in and went to tell her that I was here.  I was considering following her down the corridor and into the office where she turned but I remained standing where I was.  The woman came back out and said she would be with me in a moment.  She told me I could sit down.  I remained standing.  The woman returned to her desk to my right.  Another woman came out of J.A.’s office, smiling, saying also, “She’ll be with you in a minute.”  That woman took a seat at her desk to my left.  I would have an audience.  Then a man exited J.A.’s office, looked down at me and turned the other way into the office beside J. A.  Then J. A. came out of her office towards me.  I was not aware at the time that she knew what I looked like or that she was the one that lingered by my husband the entire evening of his company Christmas party on December 14, 2012, hanging on his every word.

She started to walk towards me, looked at me and hesitated but kept moving forward.  “Are you J.A.”, I asked?

“Yes”, she said.

“I’m R.C.  I just wanted to see the face of the woman who is fucking my husband and I thought you might want to see the face of the woman who’s family you are contributing in tearing apart.”

She bowed her head and said, “I’m sorry.”

“That’s nice”, I said.  “I’ve never got a sorry from my husband.”  “Just to let you know I have a lab requisition to get tested for a multitude of sexually transmitted diseases.  I’ll be kind enough to extend to you the courtesy of letting you know if I have anything.  It might not be from you.  For all I know, he could be fooling around with other women.”  Then I turned and walked out. I heard her say, “I’m sorry, R.” as my back was turned to her and I was leaving.

I arrived home about 20 minutes later and walked through the front door.  My phone was ringing.  It was my lawyer.  He said to me that I didn’t tell him I was going to leave his office and go and make a scene at the other woman’s office.  I told him that I didn’t know I was going to do that.  He said that if he had known that he would have told me not to do it.  He said that he gave me the name of a counselor so I could talk to her about my feelings and not act out on them.  He said that he had hoped I would be working with him and that if I had feelings to do something like that again to tell him and not to do it.

I have no regrets.  It felt great.  I am very glad that I confronted her.

 

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