adultery, Uncategorized

Souper Bowl

I heard about an event on the radio that I felt absolutely compelled to attend. The fundraiser was for “YES”, Victoria Youth Empowerment Society.  For $30 you pick out a bowl of your choice made by local artists and then you use that bowl to try soup created by Master Chefs. The money raised provides emergency shelter, life skills, health care, mental health, detox services, counseling and assists youth to transition from high risk environments like the street to healthier and more constructive life situations. I invited 5 people to come with me.  No one was able to go so I went by myself.

It was held at Inn at Laurel Point.  I had never been there before.  After paying my admission, I was sent into the bowl room.   There were at least 4 tables filled with beautiful hand-crafted pieces, all different shapes, sizes, styles, designs and colours.  I picked up the first one that caught my attention and held on to that one until I found a second that spoke to me more.  Then I found my bowl on the second table.  I didn’t have to look further because I knew this was the one for me.  I was then given a bag to put my bowl in because this year they were serving soup in the hotel bowls instead.

 

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There were 3 soup choices.  I had the seafood chowder.  It was delicious.  Huge chunks of salmon, clams, white fish (maybe halibut) potatoes and carrots. I had 2 bowls.  There was also tomato basil with little bite sized grilled cheese sandwiches that people put on top as croutons. The third choice  was  vegetable mulligatawny.

I took my bowl and walked into a lovely room that overlooked the ocean.  It was a beautiful sunny day so I decided I wanted to look out the window. I perused the round tables that seated about 12 but decided to stand up and eat at a higher table.  As soon as I placed my bowl down on the table a gentleman came over and asked if he could join me for lunch.  He introduced himself as Frank and I told him my name. He was wearing what I thought was a military dress uniform and he was wearing a poppy.

I have never had such an enjoyable conversation with a man in a very long time. We were fully engaged with each other, laughing and joking for at least 20 minutes. We showed each other our bowls and why we chose them. His had a very manly, deep dish shape with a beautiful chestnut, brown glaze.  It was gorgeous.  He had also never been to this event. He is originally from BC on the mainland but he just moved back here from Sudbury, Ontario, 2 years ago, where he plans to retire.  I am from Ontario so we talked about life back east versus west coast. He has two daughters, as do I. They are ages 22 and 14 (similar in age and gap as my girls).  His older daughter stayed back east to finish up university. This is her last year and she will have a teaching degree in French and PhysEd.  He went to Western University (as did I) to get his Masters degree.  We talked about Western and he stated, “So you are one of the Western babes.” “Well, yes I am I confirmed laughing.”  There used to be ratings of the hottest girls at university and when I went to Western, and when Frank did, too, it was ranked number 1 (it clearly had nothing to do with me) but it had this reputation. Frank said he suggested to his daughter that she attend Brescia College, the all girls school affiliated and on the campus of Western University.  He said she would have nothing to do with that.  I told him that was good because it is the last place he would want his daughter because that is where all the guys hang out.  He laughed and said that he  never thought about it being a magnet for men. His wife was a teacher in Ontario but when they moved here she got a job at UVic critiquing student teachers.

While we were talking people would come up and shake Frank’s hand and say “hi” to him. He had on a name tag but I couldn’t read it as it was on the opposite side of me and we were standing side by side.  Another man came to our table while were just starting to talk about Hawaii and shook his hand and asked if he could eat with us. He was a Victoria city councilor and commented to Frank that he was happy to see him two days in a row. He introduced himself to me as Chris and when I told him my name he said, “I know who you are.” He definitely does not know who I am.  We have never met before.  I just stared at him and he said, “I can’t remember where but we have met.” Nope, we haven’t. He then started name dropping and as he was taking away my new friend from me I was able to look at Frank’s name tag.  Frank Elsner, Chief of Police, Victoria Police Department.

I stayed for a little bit longer at the table and then excused myself. There was a raffle, live auction, silent auction, dessert trays, coffee and tea, and booths to buy bowls, pottery, cards and other art work.  I had a thoroughly enjoyable time, helped a great cause that I didn’t know existed (last year they raised $80,000 and this was their 18th year of the event) and I will definitely attend next year as well.

 

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, Commitment, divorce, God, infidelity, marriage

What are you trying to create?

When you say, “I do” and declare it publicly to your partner in front of all of your friends and family, promising to be faithful, for better or worse, till death do us part and announce this in a church in the presence of God, signing the marriage certificate witnessed by your chosen best man and best woman so it can be filed as public record of your declaration to each other, you set a trajectory in motion that changes your future. All of the choices you now make are based on your vows.  And so they should be.  That was what you wanted and knew to be right with the new life you chose to live together.

When you get baptized, shortly after your marriage, confessing that Jesus is Lord in your life, died for your sins, was buried and raised on the third day and do so after studying the bible and implementing the teachings in your life because you experience the difference it makes and you want to make a difference in the lives of others, you set a trajectory in motion that changes your future. All of the choices you now make are based on your conviction.  And so they should be.  That was what you wanted for the good of your life and what you knew to be right.

Who would ever want to be the person who breaks their vow to God, breaks the promise and trust of their spouse, lets down their children and fails to be everything they proclaim to be to their friends, family, children, coworkers and people who are watching their life and doctrine closely.  No one wants to be the king who couldn’t finish building the tower or the person who knocks on the door and God doesn’t know who they are.  Why do we take actions then and choose behaviours that work against our commitments?

Commitment to marriage and to God is not easily undone. Try dissolving a marriage and tearing apart lives that were built together.  It is not a simple, easy, fast or inexpensive process.  It is not void of emotion, complication, legalities, turmoil, pain and strife for all parties involved. Try leaving God and making selfish decisions now that you know separate you from the Being who was most important in your life, that created you in His image, the entity you claim is the Creator of Earth and all living things, is the Father, the Great I Am, the Lord and Saviour. Life never seems to go so well when someone makes decisions against what they believe to be right. We’ve witnessed it with people in our lives and with public figures.

How does anyone, who knows what they know to be true, choose to purposely make things go so wrong in their life? There has to be an internal battle that eventually manifests physically, emotionally or mentally, when you live a life that is contrary to the one you declared publicly that you intended to live. This sets your life on a different path that you some how think will lead to happiness but the bible tells us in 2 Peter 2:21 that it would be better off for people to have never known than to turn their backs on what they knew to be right.

Do we just lose sight of our commitment and the possibilities of what we were trying to achieve? Why did we choose to go against what we were committed to? What would have been the next step in our life that we wanted to avoid? What did we need to stop from happening? Why were we willing to take action to cause destruction ensuring it couldn’t happen? What were we so afraid of that the alternative is our current situation? What was so bad that we chose to hurt so many others in the process just to try to protect ourselves? Yet, didn’t we hurt ourselves the most?

If divorce is the answer to happiness and you want someone out of your life and have taken legal action to make it happen, why would anyone now thwart actions to finalize exactly what they want? Why would someone resist the process for 2 years and then refuse to honour the mediation agreement that they know is to their financial benefit? Why would they not complete the actions that are part of the legal agreement that they signed with their lawyer such as forwarding the other person’s share of  RRSP money? Why would they refuse to provide their share of expenses they agreed to pay when all supporting documentation confirming the expenses is in their hands?  Why would someone make phony accusations to the police against the person they don’t want anything to do with? Why would they get their friends involved with a person they want out of their life? Why would anyone’s friends want to be involved? Why keep attaching the energy around you to someone that you want gone? Why continue to try and submit claims through the other person’s medical and dental insurer instead of getting your own coverage because why would you want to contact the person you supposedly want out of your life to say they owe you claim money? Why can they not take action to separate everything from the other person’s life? Why haven’t they filed for divorce?

There has to come a point when you stop and ask yourself, “What am I trying to create?” It is a lot of racket and chaos but what is really going on here?  Is it that you don’t want a divorce?  Is that why you created a fake persona on my blog using my identity saying things like “I forgive you” and “we are back together”.  Is that what you really want to hear out of my mouth so you made that happen on my blog? Is that why you were trying to list men’s names and say things about me sleeping with them hoping to get a reaction out of me just to see if it was true? Why create so much energy in reactive, angry, spiraling behaviour when none of these things should even matter to you because you have moved on and in your mind it is a fictional tale.

If I discovered a blog about me I wouldn’t have told a soul. If anyone found it I would have just said, “Yes, he clearly is hurt and angry over things and I will just chose to not comment on his interpretation of the facts.” End of story. I certainly wouldn’t have responded and I would not read entries. There would be no benefit to me.  Why feed something you hope dies? I would never have created fake names to comment on posts and I would never dream of asking my friends to do that. I would never make up lies about the author and publicly try to smear their character. How would hurting the other person benefit me? It would only hurt me.

There has to come a point when you decide: “I want this divorce so these are the actions I have to take in order to live in peace with my ex; to surround my children with love, protection and security; to meet my children’s needs on every level; to honour my legal obligations so I can be a man of integrity and keep my word.  I have broken trust with my ex and children so many times but I am going to keep my word and honour my agreements. Therefore, I need to follow the decisions I have made to ensure this happens as quickly as possible. I created this situation but I want to stop creating negativity and I don’t want to perpetuate it further.  I have created so much hurt, pain and expense with my actions and I now need to minimize that as much as I can control. I need to take responsibility for what I created and do whatever I can to help everyone that I hurt heal so I can heal, too. ”

If this is what you want, everything else you have been creating is counter-intuitive.  If it isn’t what you want, you better start thinking what you do want and work to create that in your life.  No progress will be made otherwise. Fence sitting is not moving forward.

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cheating, children, deceitfulness, divorce, infidelity, lies, other woman, relationships, Uncategorized

Intuition

It has now been 1 year since I discovered my husband’s affair.

I decided to go back and see what was going on in e-mail conversations during that time.  Unfortunately my phone was replaced so I don’t have text messages between us from back then.

There are some specific things that stand out in my mind.  In January 2013 my husband left me, our 2 daughters and one of their friends waiting at a very busy restaurant for 45 minutes before he showed up.  My daughter had talked to him just 30 minutes before the agreed meeting time.  He failed to answer his cell phone when I was trying to find out where he was and when he did finally arrive he said, “I was out on a claim and I never said I would be here at 6:00 p.m.”  Then he shoved an onion ring in his mouth.  Maybe I was so trusting I accepted what he said; maybe I couldn’t accept another reason at that time; maybe I was too lazy to inquire further or more likely I was just too annoyed, disappointed and hurt.

When I discovered with no doubt an affair was happening, I was so shocked and disbelieving but should I have been?  I realized after the fact that there were some other things I should have questioned further.

The last e-mail where he told me loved me was September 9, 2012.  Our 18th wedding anniversary was September 10 and he joked he was spending the night with his mistress as it was their one year anniversary.  There is a gap in our email conversations from September 27 – October 16 and the emails following that date are about a fight that Dave picked with me upon his return from a couple of days away on business.  He arrived home the weekend of my first 1/2 marathon.  He complained that the house was still as messy as it was when he left and made a way bigger deal of this than seemed reasonable.  He didn’t come to support me at the 1/2 marathon and didn’t bring our girls down to cheer me on.  That was Thanksgiving weekend and when I came home from the race, as sore and tired as I was with blisters on my feet that prevented me from walking without limping, I still put the turkey in the oven and then left the house and went to the beach to get away and to rest.  I returned to put dinner on the table and my husband announced in front of the girls “the stuffing tastes like shit.”

He didn’t want to come with me to my girlfriend’s surprise 40th birthday in November but I finally convinced him that I really wanted him to be there with me.  He always seemed to pick a fight or wouldn’t come with me to meet new friends or do anything with my friends when we had plans to go out.

At his company Christmas party on December 14 he ignored me the entire time.  I noticed a couple of women hanging on to his every word but I didn’t ask about them and looking at them I didn’t see anything special that would make me think my husband was interested.  It turns out that the one woman was the “other woman”.  Something happened the night before at their client party because that date, December 13, came out in a text I found when I discovered the affair.  We left his Christmas party hand in hand.  The 2 girls who talked to him all night followed us out at the same time. I was social that night with his other coworkers and their wives but I was not enjoying myself.  He was drunk and on display so I just let him have his fun.  After all, it was his company party.  I even tried to build up his ego by commenting on the girls hanging off him.

When we went to my sister’s house in Vancouver on December 27 for our family Christmas he got very drunk and told my sister in front of her 3 girls, who are in their 20’s, my kids, and my niece’s boyfriend that if he wasn’t with me he would be with my sister.  When I told my sister about his affair she was stunned but said he was acting so inappropriately at Christmas that she and my nieces were all commenting on it afterwards.  The next day when we were travelling home he was just being mean and not wanting to do the Boxing Day shopping that me and my girls were interested in doing. He said he wasn’t hung over and was feeling well.  He definitely had started to drink a lot more since joining his new company in the summer of 2011.   He had dial-a-driver programmed into his phone.  He had been using this service quite frequently over the previous 6 months.

He told me January 24, 2014 that the guys on his hockey team were taking him out for his birthday the next night. He did have hockey scheduled on the calendar and that was usual for a Friday night.  When I asked where they were going he said to the Keg.  That is a fine dining restaurant, not a boys-going-out-for-a-beer kind of place.   The next night we went out for his birthday to a Pink in the Rink Royals hockey game.   I bought him a chuck-a-puck and he won 2 tickets to Rihanna, hotel and airfare.  When he saw the date of the concert he had a tantrum because it was the day we were to return from our Florida March break vacation.  He stomped and said childishly, “I want to go and you scheduled our trip longer than I wanted you to.”  I was dumbfounded and just looked at him.  Again, this was his behavior in front of our girls.

In February he starts to stay later at work.  I remember calling him on a February Saturday morning just after I dropped my daughter at dance on a Saturday morning reminding him to order tickets to our daughter’s dance recital.  His response was very terse and hurried telling me he had to go out on 3 claims and couldn’t talk.  Usually on Saturday mornings he takes the dog for a hike by himself.  The next Saturday morning in February he tells me he is taking the dog for a hike but not leaving at 10:30 a.m.  He always went alone.  Why was he going at a specific time?  I never questioned this.   My girlfriend invited us to a house-warming party after my daughter’s dance recital and he refused to go.  Another night in February, he wanted to have sex and is mad I don’t feel like using toys.  He turns over and decides then not to have sex with me at all.  On 2 other occasions in February it took a long time for him to get an erection.  I found a bottle of lubrication in our bathroom.  I asked him what it was doing on the counter and he tells me he was looking at the ingredients in it.  On February 14 when we last had sex it was very different; aggressive and raunchy.  I asked him afterwards who he was having sex with because it wasn’t me.  February 18 he mentions separation.  On February 26 he told me he contacted our tenants at our home in Cambridge Ontario saying we were going to sell the home.  That shocked me.  He was moving quickly to get rid of our assets.  I mentioned that our banker suggested a spousal RRSP and he said, “What if you aren’t going to continue to be my spouse?”  I remember talking to him in the kitchen and thinking that he was looking at me as though he despised me.  On the evening of February 26 I was sobbing and begging my husband to not just leave but to go to counseling to work on our marriage.  He said that I would never change.

In Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she indicates that “…psychologists believe that intuition is a rapid-fire, unconscious associating process–like a mental puzzle.  The brain makes an observation, scans its files, and matches the observation with existing memories, knowledge, and experiences.  Once it puts together a series of matches, we get a “gut” on what we’ve observed.”

On February 28 he was leaving to go to Vancouver the next morning.  We were watching t.v. together but he got up suddenly to say he was going to bed because he had to get up early in the morning.  I told him we wouldn’t see each other before he left so we should hug goodbye now.  He sighed with annoyance.  I said, “You don’t want to hug me goodbye?”  He said, “No, you can hug me.”  It was exactly at that moment that my gut finally made me check my husband’s phone.

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