Thank you for those who responded to my post “He is the Dick in Ridiculous” with your comments about not being able to be nice to a narcissist because they take advantage, they don’t care about specific details, they don’t care about others, that my ex doesn’t care about me and unfortunately our kids are included in this, that I need to avoid all contact with him and WHEN WILL I LEARN?
Okay, lesson learned. I think my youngest daughter has learned, too. I think she learned the lesson before I did. The number of times that her dad has let her down and not kept his word is likely the reason she asks me to follow up with him on her behalf. In an effort to protect her, to be her advocate and to try to get her dad to do right by her I have contacted him on her behalf but it isn’t working for anyone. It leaves us all frustrated–me, my daughter, my ex and anyone who gets in the cross-fire and ends up as a victim of us making plans and commitments based o my ex’s word.
Here is where it stands. He didn’t give my daughter the raffle ticket stubs and money as promised when he picked her up on Saturday night. She has 8 people who have given her money to buy them tickets. She has had to tell them that she can’t get them their tickets until her dad returns the ones that he has and that “he keeps forgetting.”
When she came home last night without the tickets and money I told our daughter that she needed to contact him to see if she can get the tickets Sunday. She did and he never responded. In the morning I asked her if she heard from her dad. She said that he wouldn’t respond because he is going to a Super Bowl party. I told her that the party would be in the afternoon. It is 9:00 a.m. so to follow up with her dad and that we could go and pick up the tickets at 11. Two hours later when he still hadn’t responded I sent him a text and asked if we could pick up the tickets today. If people weren’t counting on my daughter to return the tickets and to get them tickets I wouldn’t care but there is a chain of people that are trying to help my daughter and it is reflecting poorly on her. It looks like she is the one making excuses and being too lazy to do her job of selling, collecting and returning.
He told me that our daughter should have reminded him last night. In his next text he reiterated that if it was so important to her she should have reminded him. In his text after that he said it wasn’t a big deal and that she would get them. In his text after that he said I should have reminded him yesterday and texted something to him when she was with him. In a text after that he said he had plans today and couldn’t go to the office to get them. When I questioned that he didn’t even have the tickets with him while he was with her he texted back that they were going to go by his office after dinner to get them but “we forgot.” So I suggested that our daughter expected then that when he was driving her after dinner that he was going to his office to get the tickets. He said I was putting words in his mouth and that he and my daughter never discussed the tickets.
Amongst all of this, instead of just saying, “Sorry I forgot. It has been a week since I have been promising to get the ticket stubs and money returned, how, where and when can I meet our daughter to give her what she needs.” I get this: “I sold 12 books”, “All you look for is the negative. Change the narrative and you might change your life to something more positive” , “It’s just another talking point for you to blab on about negative. When does it ever stop you being the kind of person you are”, “You spin anything to negative when you have a chance”, “It’s a nice day. Relax and enjoy”, “No one told me about deadlines”, “So typical of you to blame others specifically me for everything”, “You’ve lost it”, “You’d think the world was going to come to an end with these tickets and your misplaced anger”, “You can come by my office for 3 pm”, “You aren’t directing me to do anything”, “Who do you think you are. It’s none of your business”, “It has nothing to do with you”, “You like telling everyone what to do and say”, “You are so predictable. Every time there is a family event you are no longer a part of you always find some way to get angry and start fights, send emails or texts with some negative message. You really should see someone about your anger issues towards me. It’s really pretty sad”, “Look at your history Robbie Liz. Every time family things happen you go off the deep end”, “So typical of you to threaten”, “Come to my office at 3 or tomorrow. Those are your only options”, “It’s no wonder (daughter) feels stressed. You continue to try and throw her into things”, “Wakey, wakey Robbie. Maybe the problem is you because you are around her day to day”, “The only things that matters is you getting some mental help so you don’t continue to project onto others. Particularly our children”, “Please do the rest of us a favour and get the help you need.”
The only thing I focused on in all of his noise was a day, place and time to get the tickets. Today at 3 from his office. I suggested that he respond to our daughter about this arrangement and if he did that I would be happy to bring her there to meet him to get her tickets back. My daughter came and told me that he responded. All she knows is that she asked her dad about getting the tickets back, he responded positively and her mom is going to drive her to get them. All is well in her world right now.
Lesson learned. No more favours to my ex, no more interceding for my kids for any reason, no more contact except for documenting for legal purposes.
7 thoughts on “When Will I Learn?”
Are you fucking kidding me? This guy is such a perfect example of a narcissist….making everything YOUR fault and twisting everything to make you look insane. THAT is so typical! I would say I wish somebody would string him up by his nuts but it’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t have any. Maybe just castrate him with rusty fingernail clippers….(that shouldn’t take too long.)
Now you know and your children know. This man has the depth of a mud puddle. Don’t the three of you be surprised if he dumps the girls. Narcs do not like for people to hold them accountable. I don’t know if he is one but he certainly is acting very self centered.
You need to stop communicating with him, period. He wants you to act crazy. Don’t give him any ammo. Just get the divorce and thank your stars he is out of your life.
I can’t figure out, Laurelwolfelives, if he believes the things he was saying to me in his texts or if he forgets his lies or if he can’t accept that he is the reason that our daughter has been halted in her effort to sell more raffle tickets.
Firstly, for him to say that I am just mad that I wasn’t at a family event (his parents are visiting and he picked up my daughter to go back to his place to have dinner with them) is laughable to me. I left shortly before he was expected to pick up our daughter to meet 20 other people at a pub I have never been to before. I was gone for 5 hours and had so much fun. I met a lot of new people, too. I only left my party to get home before my daughter because she doesn’t like to come into our place alone. I never thought once about “a family event” I was missing. I never asked my daughter anything about her evening. As soon as she walked in the door she asked me if she could have a sleep over at friend’s the next night and we talked about a bunch of other stuff. It was only when she said she was going to watch Netflix did I say, “Oh, did you get the tickets?”
Secondly, he told my daughter he would give her the tickets Monday, then Thursday and then Saturday. They were clearly discussing the tickets during the week. She knew he sold 12 books. Why she didn’t come home with them Saturday I do not know and did not press. I just told her she needed to follow up then and find out how she could get them because she needed to hand them in and that people were counting on her to get them tickets they had already paid for. He was blaming her for not reminding him, then blaming me and then said they were going to get them after dinner but that they forgot and then said he never said that and they never even talked about the tickets. What????
I dropped my daughter off at his office before 3 as I expected some passive aggressive behaviour from him maybe telling us that he was there but we were late and he had to leave to go to his party. My daughter texted him when we arrived and he told her to come up. I just waited in my car on the street until she returned. She has the envelope and the stubs and will handle everything else herself.
I agree, Let Go. It is just too exhausting. We are all left miserable after. Even my daughter’s mood when she had to go meet her dad was foul. She asked me if I could just do it. I told her that we would do something fun along the way and take the dog for a walk in a park and take him on the drive with us and then go and pick up a bite to eat afterwards. They have to work out their own relationship. I am so done!!!!!
It’s easy to get caught in between your ex and your kids. It’s natural for you to feel responsible for your daughter and to protect her from feeling let down by her dad. It’s obvious that he does not feel the same sort of responsibility, and is willing to blame you to cover up his shortcomings. It’s clearly not worth the effort you’re investing on behalf of your daughter.
Thank you for your understanding in my situation. It definitely takes the pressure off me as I stand up for my own rights. My older daughter came back from university during Reading Week to stay with me for 2 weeks (she came back a week early). I arranged a naturopath appointment for her and my younger daughter. She is currently considered as living with my ex and I pay child support to him for her. I told her dad about the appointment and about the fee. He said he wasn’t going to pay. I told my older daughter that she could talk to her dad if she still felt that she needed to go but I would not be paying and then fighting him in court to get reimbursed. She did and he said, “No.” I cancelled her appointment. That is between she and her dad now but I removed myself from the situation. She could see that I was trying to help her and understands from both of our experiences with her dad why I am no longer willing to cover what he should be paying for (He would have to pay 71% and me 29% for the appointment) as it is uninsured medical and we have a court order to that effect. As it is, I will still have to fight him to pay his 71% share of my younger daughter’s naturopath fee.