Thank you for those who responded to my post “He is the Dick in Ridiculous” with your comments about not being able to be nice to a narcissist because they take advantage, they don’t care about specific details, they don’t care about others, that my ex doesn’t care about me and unfortunately our kids are included in this, that I need to avoid all contact with him and WHEN WILL I LEARN?
Okay, lesson learned. I think my youngest daughter has learned, too. I think she learned the lesson before I did. The number of times that her dad has let her down and not kept his word is likely the reason she asks me to follow up with him on her behalf. In an effort to protect her, to be her advocate and to try to get her dad to do right by her I have contacted him on her behalf but it isn’t working for anyone. It leaves us all frustrated–me, my daughter, my ex and anyone who gets in the cross-fire and ends up as a victim of us making plans and commitments based o my ex’s word.
Here is where it stands. He didn’t give my daughter the raffle ticket stubs and money as promised when he picked her up on Saturday night. She has 8 people who have given her money to buy them tickets. She has had to tell them that she can’t get them their tickets until her dad returns the ones that he has and that “he keeps forgetting.”
When she came home last night without the tickets and money I told our daughter that she needed to contact him to see if she can get the tickets Sunday. She did and he never responded. In the morning I asked her if she heard from her dad. She said that he wouldn’t respond because he is going to a Super Bowl party. I told her that the party would be in the afternoon. It is 9:00 a.m. so to follow up with her dad and that we could go and pick up the tickets at 11. Two hours later when he still hadn’t responded I sent him a text and asked if we could pick up the tickets today. If people weren’t counting on my daughter to return the tickets and to get them tickets I wouldn’t care but there is a chain of people that are trying to help my daughter and it is reflecting poorly on her. It looks like she is the one making excuses and being too lazy to do her job of selling, collecting and returning.
He told me that our daughter should have reminded him last night. In his next text he reiterated that if it was so important to her she should have reminded him. In his text after that he said it wasn’t a big deal and that she would get them. In his text after that he said I should have reminded him yesterday and texted something to him when she was with him. In a text after that he said he had plans today and couldn’t go to the office to get them. When I questioned that he didn’t even have the tickets with him while he was with her he texted back that they were going to go by his office after dinner to get them but “we forgot.” So I suggested that our daughter expected then that when he was driving her after dinner that he was going to his office to get the tickets. He said I was putting words in his mouth and that he and my daughter never discussed the tickets.
Amongst all of this, instead of just saying, “Sorry I forgot. It has been a week since I have been promising to get the ticket stubs and money returned, how, where and when can I meet our daughter to give her what she needs.” I get this: “I sold 12 books”, “All you look for is the negative. Change the narrative and you might change your life to something more positive” , “It’s just another talking point for you to blab on about negative. When does it ever stop you being the kind of person you are”, “You spin anything to negative when you have a chance”, “It’s a nice day. Relax and enjoy”, “No one told me about deadlines”, “So typical of you to blame others specifically me for everything”, “You’ve lost it”, “You’d think the world was going to come to an end with these tickets and your misplaced anger”, “You can come by my office for 3 pm”, “You aren’t directing me to do anything”, “Who do you think you are. It’s none of your business”, “It has nothing to do with you”, “You like telling everyone what to do and say”, “You are so predictable. Every time there is a family event you are no longer a part of you always find some way to get angry and start fights, send emails or texts with some negative message. You really should see someone about your anger issues towards me. It’s really pretty sad”, “Look at your history Robbie Liz. Every time family things happen you go off the deep end”, “So typical of you to threaten”, “Come to my office at 3 or tomorrow. Those are your only options”, “It’s no wonder (daughter) feels stressed. You continue to try and throw her into things”, “Wakey, wakey Robbie. Maybe the problem is you because you are around her day to day”, “The only things that matters is you getting some mental help so you don’t continue to project onto others. Particularly our children”, “Please do the rest of us a favour and get the help you need.”
The only thing I focused on in all of his noise was a day, place and time to get the tickets. Today at 3 from his office. I suggested that he respond to our daughter about this arrangement and if he did that I would be happy to bring her there to meet him to get her tickets back. My daughter came and told me that he responded. All she knows is that she asked her dad about getting the tickets back, he responded positively and her mom is going to drive her to get them. All is well in her world right now.
Lesson learned. No more favours to my ex, no more interceding for my kids for any reason, no more contact except for documenting for legal purposes.