I have been participating in a 40-day Sadhana Challenge. It is a daily practice to support clarity on my San Kalpa (personal intention) to align my actions with my deepest and truest dreams.

After 10 days of this practice, I knew that I was getting ready to give birth to my San Kalpa. I suffered abdominal cramping that caused me to wince, grunt, moan and adjust my breathing. I was very, very uncomfortable for no other known reason. I still didn’t know what exactly it would look like until yesterday when it became clear and defined.

I returned to help my friend move. I was working alone and in a bit of a meditative state as I walked back and forth collecting and carrying at least 60 framed pieces of art to load when I came across a framed poem called “Desiderata”. It was dated 1927 by author Max Ehrmann. I sat down and read it several times:

GO PLACIDLY AMID THE NOISE & HASTE, & REMEMBER WHAT PEACE THERE MAY BE IN SILENCE. AS FAR AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideal; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I have always considered myself to be real and genuine but I realized that one difficult task that I have been slow to complete has been out of fear for the consequences of speaking truth to power. I have been wronged and I have been silenced. It is has been hard to correct the effects of this on my life. I also have a relationship, and I think it trickles into other relationships, where I have felt silenced and suppressed. I have not shared my true feelings for fear of losing or harming the relationship when in fact that response has instead been harming me and making me feel false in the relationship.

My San Kalpa is to be myself and speak my truth.

In boldness, I responded differently to my friend last night. Initially they suggested that maybe we should just avoid speaking on two subjects but I refused to let silence and pretending be the answer. I shared my opinions, specific examples of what this person has said and how it made me feel. I was kind, never accusing but I expressed my concern. I hoped they saw my heart and my intent. Their response was “Fair Enough”. They also said they wanted to reflect on what I shared and would get back to me today. They then contacted me a bit later to say it actually would probably take them 2 days to respond.

On the weekend, I will focus on the much more complex task that I need to follow through to completion.

I have 28 days left in this challenge and I am very excited to see how this journey progresses.