cheating, father/daughter, infidelity, letter, marriage breakdown, other woman, relationships

A daughter’s letter to her cheating father

After discovering explicit sexual texts on her dad’s Blackberry between her dad and another woman, my 15-year old daughter sent her out-of-town father the following email on March 1, 2013:

“I realize that you and mom haven’t gotten along for a while now and I came to terms with that a long time ago. I am okay with that. I have been waiting a while now to hear the news of a separation or divorce. I’m strong. I could have handled that and accepted that. If you two were fine with that, I would have been too. However screwing around with some slut from work is unforgivable as far as I am concerned. I don’t know what you were thinking but I’m not sure if you realized entirely what you were doing. You permanently damaged not only your marriage, but your family as well. I never in a million years thought you were that selfish.

On top of your actions, you don’t even care. You left this morning because hockey means more to you than your family does. You have left a fifteen year old girl to clean up your mess. I am trying to be strong for mom and (sister’s name) but it is hard. Now imagine how mom is feeling. You can say that her disorder is not real, but trust me, it is. Mom is depressed. What if mom had have found this out on her own? She could have done something much worse than e-mail your parents–to you or even herself.

Since mom crying doesn’t seem to have any effect on you, do you realize what this means for (sister’s name) and I? We will obviously be living with mom, I don’t want (sister’s name) anywhere near your “little turtle.” She does not need to be influenced by a whore. Mom has no job, how will she support us? I guess I will be returning to (public high school name) next year, seeing as mom will barely be able to afford housing, food and clothing for (sister’s name) and I, let alone an expensive school.

Night after night, I would wait for you to come home. I wouldn’t eat because I was waiting for my daddy to come eat with me. Then I would get a phone call, or a text, or sometimes nothing. Little did I know you were treating her to expensive dinners. Remember when you told me family was your number one priority? You said we come first which is why you were never late for dinner, and was always home by lunch on weekends. What happened to my dad?

While mom was crying the other night saying that she loves you and that she wants to fix things (sister’s name) and I were listening. You did not try to work things out. (Sister’s name) is eleven. She does not need the stress of an unfaithful father. She doesn’t deserve it, She deserves a family. Not a broken mom and a father with a skank for a girlfriend.

Yes, I do mean to be rude. I owe her no respect. If you expect me to meet this woman–the woman that ruined our family (did she ruin our family or were there more?) be nice to her and actually like her, then you are very wrong. As far as I am concerned, she is just a skank that fucked my dad while he was still married to my mom. Leaving me to pick up the pieces of a broken mom and devastated sister.

Are you honestly this stupid that you think this girl actually loves you? Think about it. Look how much younger she is. You are a man with money, and a man who can probably get her promoted job-wise. Right now, she is enjoying the $100 meals, and $50 Pandora charms. Wait until you are broke. She will leave you in a heartbeat. I look forward to this. You will realize what you have lost–not just your wife, but your kids as well. I saw the look on mom’s face when she saw your text messages. I saw her shaking and trying to hold in her tears. Do you think I will ever forgive you for making my mom feel that way?

The fact that you have the nerve to call (boyfriend’s name) a douche and say that he treats me like shit makes me livid after finding out about something like this. At least when I tell (boyfriend’s name) I love him, he says I love you back. He has never once held my mental state against me or tried to make me feel like less of a person because I have horrible mood swings or the fact that I cut myself. He helps me work through it and inspires me to stop harming myself–which I have. I feel that this ordeal will put me into another downward spiral. However, I know (boyfriend’s name) will be here for me to help me work through it. No matter how mad he is at me, not matter what I have done if I am crying, he immediately calms himself down and does everything in his power to make me feel better. He hugs me, tells me I am beautiful and tells me he loves me. You do not do this for mom. You insult her physical and mental state on a regular basis. I never want to hear you even utter a bad word about (boyfriend’s name) again, ever. He is a thousand times more of a man than you are.

I do not want to meet with you. I have no interest in hearing your petty arguments; trying to turn this around as if it was mom’s fault. This is not her fault. This is a result of your selfish mindset. I am honestly ashamed to be your daughter; ashamed that I see aspects of you in myself. I will never do anything like this in my lifetime. You are probably very angry with me for this e-mail, and that is fine. I understand. But, you are in the wrong here.

I hope you miss us. That is what you deserve.

I will tell (teacher’s name) that you are not available to mentor for my business group anymore. I do not want you involved in my life right now.

For your sake, I hope this woman isn’t what we all think she is. At least treat her better than you treated mom. She did so much for you and you didn’t even see it. Now that we are all gone you will begin to see how good you had it. You had a family that loved you and now you have a slut that is using you for your power and money. I really do hope she is different.

Goodbye.

(daughter’s name)”

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50 thoughts on “A daughter’s letter to her cheating father

  1. Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year
    old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed.
    There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
    She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

  2. Yay for your daughter’s strength and her composure to write so well. I could not have done that at 15. My dad was a cheater before I was born and he was gone before I can remember. I’m glad now that he didn’t live with us so that I never had to deal with his cheating. Applause to your daughter. He doesn’t deserve her or you, and you both deserve way better than him!

  3. Lilac80s says:

    My dad cheated too but it took me a long time to finally got it all because i hadn’t look at the proofs,and when i did it just confirmed of my opinion about him all along. The anger lasted for a while but accepting of who he really is was even harder

    You’ve done a good job on raising her, she seems very wise and level headed. She even knows what that skank goes after. Hopefully just like you she’ll be a strong person in handling this

  4. D'Ann Dunham says:

    Thank you for sharing such a beautifully heart felt letter to this sweet child’s cheating Father. I forwarded it to my husband. We’ve decided to let our almost 13 year old to have a wonderful summer before telling her Dad is leaving us for a twenty something year old. He is 45. My selfish husband does not think she will be as devastated, as I know, she will be. He says he is leaving me not her. I do not think she will feel the difference. Luckily I’ve had time to cry and get stronger for when my child is told Aug. 29th, 2014 in our families’ counselor’s office. Pray for our sweet Angel.

      • jennifer says:

        I wish I have your daughter’s courage. My father’s infidelity happened almost 40 years ago, I was only 3 then. But I only felt this anger when I recently reunited with my mom’s sister and niece who knew the whole story about my father, my mother, and my now step-mother. My Mom passed away when I was only 5, my eldest brother 11, and elder sister 9. My father brought us to this house where there was a mother and a baby. Turned out, my father already had a new family. Growing up I thought that it was nothing, that it was fate that my mom died and another woman would replace her. But when I finally knew the whole story, that my mom was always depress because my father chose to be with the other woman and left us all. I wanted to tell my father that I am angry for what he did. He kept us from my mom’s relatives only to hide the truth from us that he was to blame for my mom’s death. I will never ever forgive him and my step mother for ruining our family.

      • Thank you so much for sharing your story. It doesn’t matter how long ago it happened because for you it is like you are experiencing it as though it happened today. It is also interesting that you may have had a loving upbringing with them and at least one half sibling yet the betrayal at the root of these relationships is what overshadows everything else. I wonder how your step mom feels about things and even your dad. It would be fascinating if you could step back and out of the personal and emotional nature of it all and interview everyone involved to see if there were any consequences and guilt and shame that has impacting their lives over the years. It would be amazing if they had self-awareness and were willing to share their truthful revelations surrounding their lives together and your mom’s passing. I wonder if your dad and step mom have regrets or if they feel no responsibility and think instead how lucky you are that they formed a family so you had a place to go after your mom’s passing. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and the unraveling of your family secrets. I wish you the very best.

  5. Your daughter is amazing. So articulate. She stuck up for herself, her sister, her mum. She did you proud. No 15-year old should ever have to send a letter like that to her Dad. What a champion she is. SWxo

  6. I am 23 and found out on Monday that my dad has been living with another woman. He went to work in another city almost 2 years ago because he couldn’t get one where my family lives. This city isn’t that nice, and my brother was going to a really good school over here, hence the split living arrangements. The idea was that he’d come back every weekend, but that tapered off to maybe once every other weekend. Almost immediately, he started seeing a lady in the HR department of the company.

    He can’t understand why I’m so ‘harsh’ (when all I asked in a text message is if he understands he messed up big time). I could be worse. If he knew all the things we are saying about him and his mistress, about how he buys her expensive presents and takes her 21-year-old son cycling (which he used to do with my 19-year-old brother, who has only just finished his final exams), then he’d know how RESTRAINED I am.

    He is weak, and I am helping my mom get a divorce as soon as possible. She doesn’t deserve this.

    • I am so sorry. I have heard men say that they leave the wife but in fact they do leave the entire family and everyone is hurt and suffers by the process. You sound like an amazingly strong, supportive daughter. Your mom is very lucky to have you in her court!

  7. Joan says:

    My father has always physically and emotionally abused my mother, telling her how she doesn’t contribute to the family and how she spends too much (after telling me he can’t afford college and then buying a 65,000 dollar car. He occasionally abuses my brother and I as well. My mom quit her job when my brother was born, and hasn’t worked since (14 years). Now that I’m a senior in high school, and my brother is a freshman, she decided to start working again to get out of the house. Two weeks after she was offered a full time job, he started an affair, and three months later, he left her a note saying he was leaving.

    The only part of him that I thought was redeemable was his dedication to family. Now he’s leaving my mom (and us) for a woman with 6 criminal charges CURRENTLY. I have no father anymore.

    • I am so sorry, Joan. It is so hurtful. My daughter has struggled so much since her dad left. Drugs, alcohol, shop lifting, suicide threats and attempts and more bad choices that have left her with devastating life long consequences. Her boyfriend is a drug dealer and physically and emotionally abuses her. I’ve seen the emails between them. She shared that information with me and showed me bruises he left on her during a time when I was called by police to go to the Emergency Room at the hospital to see her. She was picked up because she was running in and out of traffic trying to kill herself. She was taken by ambulance to the hospital because she was so high, intoxicated, high blood pressure and her heart beat was so high. She was alone and a bystander actually went into traffic to rescue her. She chooses to live with her dad over me because I won’t allow her boyfriend on my property. Her dad knows all about her boyfriend’s bad behaviour yet he takes her on double dates with him and the other woman. I’ve seen messages back and forth between my ex and my daughter. My daughter made it clear that she doesn’t respect his girlfriend but she would see her to make it easier for her dad as long as he allowed her boyfriend to be involved in their lives, too. It is so dysfunctional and there is no parenting. They are roommates. Her dad leaves her alone and she has her boyfriend stay at his place. She told me that is the only reason she stays there. She can do whatever she wants whenever she wants. She has snuck out the window of his place as well. I called my ex to come to the hospital. I begged the doctor for a psychiatric referral for her but her dad intervened. He just wanted to leave because he had a 7:00 a.m. hockey tournament. I wanted to bring my daughter back to my place so she wouldn’t be alone the entire day but she wouldn’t come. She was still really intoxicated when she left the hospital. Her dad says it is typical teen behaviour. She acknowledges she needs help and I offered to take her to see the counsellor that I sought out for her in the summer of 2014 before she left my place. The counselor is a youth, family and drug addiction specialist so she is seeing me to help me parent through this and to help me with my fears and concerns for both my daughters. My younger daughter has seen the counselor too to help her with dealing with her sister’s behaviour and her strained relationship with her dad. My older daughter won’t get help. I was given the name of an amazing clinic that is drop in and is a multi-disciplinary assessment clinic so she can get help in all areas. She said she would go on her on own but hasn’t. She is a smart girl. She received early acceptance into one of the universities she applied to. She is hurting, crying out for love and attention and seeking it in all the wrong places.

      Please take care of yourself. Seek any and all help you can get. This is a horrible process for the strongest of people. I wish you healing and recovery.

      • Joan says:

        Thank you, I wish you the best as well. I hope your daughter starts to heal in a way that is more positive and healthy for her. Your ex really sounds like he just wants her on his side–not as though he actually cares for her health and well-being. I’m sure you could get full custody if you petitioned for it and had evidence of these destructive behaviors, though I don’t know what sort of consequences that would have for your relationship with your daughter.

        All we can do is try to put the pieces back together, but sometimes we need help doing that. It sounds like your daughter really needs help. Keep trying, and good luck.

  8. Thank you so much. It is so difficult to know what to do. That is why I have been seeking help from wherever I can get it and getting the support to make the tough decisions I’ve needed to make and stick with.

    Having my daughter living with me had its challenges. I did it for 16 months after my husband and I separated. She is welcome back if she wants to follow rules but so far she indicates that she won’t. Every time I have tried to let her back in, given her my trust, she betrays it. I let her stay at my place to look after it and our dog and 2 cats while her sister and I went camping for 4 days. The police called me to let me know they were called to the house 2 nights for disturbance of the peace. They had to remove intoxicated and drug-using people from the premise. She took no responsibility for the party. A lot of damage was done to my property and things stolen. She wouldn’t apologize to the neighbours, she wouldn’t reimburse me any money to repair or replace items but worse was the attitude that she couldn’t care less–no remorse, no concern for my feelings.

    I feel like there is a mental component to her behaviour and maybe the stress of our situation and separation has brought it to the forefront. At this point, I seem to not be able to convince her or make her seek treatment or at least the assessment to see what may be going on.

    I have a 12-year old that I have to protect as well and she was exposed to way too much with my daughter living here.

    I worry about my older daughter every day. I pray for her safety and well-being and that she has the fastest, strongest, angel watching over her to protect her from herself and others.

    She knows I am here for her. It was me that she had the police call when she was in crisis in the hospital, not her dad. It was me she had called when she was busted for shop lifting even though she was living with her dad. I was the one who surprised her when she was went to go for her driver’s test. I waited while she took the test and was there to celebrate with her afterwards. Her dad instead contacted her telling her he was going out of town and wouldn’t be home for 2 nights so could she feed the fish. I was the one who struggled financially and jumped through hoops to get her financial aid to be able to stay at her private school as her dad said she could go back to the public system for her last 2 years of high school.

    I was hoping that her dad would recognize how much help she needed and that it would wake him up to love her, support her and meet her needs over his own needs. I don’t know if he is avoiding, not able to cope, in denial, oblivious or so selfish that he won’t acknowledge it because then he might have to take some responsibility and might have to make some changes to his lifestyle.

    Regardless, I feel we have failed our daughter.

  9. alex says:

    Hi! I really need someone’s help, my father is cheating on my mother. I got to know this through his messages. I am 15 years old and I have 1 sister(7 yrs), 2 brothers( 3 yrs & 10 yrs). I asked my mother to get separated but she says that she doesn’t want her children to grow up without a father, this will make them emotionally depressed. My parents fight on daily basis, my father lames my mother, he says he went to other women because he was not finding love from mum but as far as I see my mum has taken so much care of him and been by his side. I hate my father, my siblings are so stressed because of my parents’ fights, he abuses my mother both physically and verbally. I am trying to make my mum leave dad, I am so concerned about my siblings, they will end up drug addict etc if they get an environment like this. I really need advise from someone please guide me through this situation, I am the only one who can help my mother.

    • Alex, I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. My heart breaks for you. You are too young to have to be the parent to your siblings and it seems like you are trying to be a parent and protect your mom as well. I am sorry you are the one that feels you need to fill these roles. These things should not be your responsibility. This is way too much for you to handle on every level. There are probably many reasons your mom doesn’t want to separate from your father at this time. It can be a very difficult decision for many women to make especially when children are involved even though the choice may seem obvious to you. That has to be your mom’s choice but it doesn’t mean that you have to continue to live in your current environment especially if you feel unsafe, if your mom is being abused and if there are illegal activities like drugs involved. At this point, your number one concern should be the safety of you, your siblings and your mom as it sounds like dad is causing the violence. You have to report the situation to the police. They will have access to all the resources to help you and your family. There may be consequences to doing this. Your mom may be angry with you; your dad may be angry; you and your siblings may be separated for a while so they might not understand and blame you but if your number one concern is protecting yourself and your family and your parents are not capable of this job right now you should contact the police. If things escalate, call 911. If that seems too difficult, you should go to a school counselor, a trusted family member or a trusted parent of one of your friends. If you go to church I would hope your minister could help and you could try a local hotline phone number for kids in crisis. If you don’t have access to the phone when the abuse starts you should try to get you and your siblings over to the home of a trusted neighbour and let them call the police. Your situation sounds much more serious than just a father cheating on your mother.

      • alex says:

        It’s not that severe. He does not use drugs, rather he is a nice person and dad but he doesn’t respect my mother. He abuses her and he is so nice with everyone else but I think his abusing my mum and saying bad things to her will effect the kids. He fights with my mother and goes out and its my mother crying all the day. This makes my siblings sad and depressed, I am really worried about them and I am afraid they will involve in bad deeds.

      • I always remember Dr. Phil saying on one his shows that it is better for children to be from a broken home than to live in a broken home. Have you talked to your dad about what you see and what you know? It is a difficult burden to carry secrets and know your dad is cheating on your mom. I know another family that we are very close to with that situation. The daughter knew about the affair before her mom did. She was the older sibling. She is still in counseling 2 1/2 years later. She grew up fast. She is still her mom’s protector, treats the “other woman” terribly so that the other woman won’t go to her dad’s house if she is there, and she has a very strained relationship with her dad. She calls it as she sees it to him and he is a very angry man that will unleash his anger on his children. Her dad is also an alcoholic that won’t deal with this underlying issue. It hurt her very much so she started to cut herself to ease some of that pain. Now she needs help and is getting it to work through this unhealthy behaviour and to find other coping strategies for the stress and sadness she still experiences over everything. Her mom did move from the family home. It is a very worrisome situation that you are in and you are right that the abuse affects everyone. It must be hard to reconcile the person your dad portrays as being nice on the outside to the personality that comes out in private. I would tell your dad that you are very worried about him. You could share everything with him you are sharing here. Maybe he will remove himself from your home and seek help. There is an article that I have skimmed through about how abuse against a mother shapes the children. It is written by A. Cunningham and is called “Little Eyes, Little Ears”. You can Google search this. It has a lot of information and I think was written to help the professionals who deal with situations like your family’s situation. Maybe you could print it off for your dad and mom both to read. Maybe they both need a wake up call. Keep talking and find someone in your area you can get together with and share your concerns. You are acting very maturely, responsibly and with a lot of compassion. I would be proud for you to be my daughter.

      • alex says:

        Thank you so much. I will act on your guidance and hope that my dad understand that family is important than everything else on the universe. I’ll talk to him personally and will make the matters clear. I am happy that I wrote a comment on your blog otherwise I would be very stressed. Thanks again. Love u alott. I am sure u are a great mother and wish u and ur kids a very happy and blessed life. May Jesus protect u always.

  10. Thank you Alex. I wish you well. Please keep me posted on how you are doing and what is happening in your family. I will pray for you. It takes a lot of strength of character, love and courage to do what you are doing. If your family is religious and spiritual you can share with them how you see that they are letting Satan get a foothold and push open the door on destroying your family. It takes humility to admit to the temptation and the sin in your life, to take responsibility for it and apologize to those you’ve hurt, to want to repent and change and not act that way anymore and then to share with the appropriate people to get the help needed. It will be a big step for your dad to make but it doesn’t sound like he is happy or that his life is working well for him right now. If you can look with spiritual eyes instead of just what we see physically, there is a battle going on for your dad’s soul. Your dad has to fight for it and fight for his family and while he is weak he is very lucky to have you as his number one soldier.

    • alex says:

      WOW!! I never thought about that. I portrayed my father as the Satan in the family and I hated him so much. I’ll will help him now to be better man. The way you are saying means he must fight a battle with the Satan and that cant be without our help, so what he needs is help not hatred. You are the only one I took advice from and u guided me so much I’ll keep in touch with you. I never talked to anybody about this, I talked once to my grandma and she was affected so much that she fell ill ( she is diabetic and depression patient) so I decided to do it all alone but I couldn’t find any way then I found ur blog and I am glad. I’ll be very strong and will make things better. :-*

      • Alex, God is on the side of you and your family. I pray he puts people in your path that can truly help you. I want you to be able to be a child and to be able to enjoy the freedom of being a child without all this worry and stress. I want you to have peace in your life, love, security and protection. I don’t want you to have to be afraid about your current situation and what that holds for you, your parents or your siblings in the future. The bible talks about Satan roaming the world to see who he can tempt. Satan hates us. He is the father of lies and everything evil. It is still up to your dad to be strong against Satan for himself and for his family. I don’t want you to think that this burden rests on you and if it doesn’t work out the way you want that you in any way have failed. We all have free choice and free will to do what we want to do. A lot of times we as human beings choose to do what we think makes us happy in the moment instead of thinking about what the consequences of those actions do to us down the road and to other people in our lives as you have seen even with your grandmother’s health. Sin is far-reaching. We all need help and we all need love. Kindness, gentleness, understanding, peace, patience, goodness, and especially love go a long way to beat Satan.

    • alex says:

      It was last night that I talked to my dad. I said, “dad I want to go to a psychiatrist”. He asked,”why??” and I said, “because of you”. He was so sad and asked for the reason and I explained him that his fights have effected me and the kids and we are emotionally unstable and I think I’ll turn into a psychological patient. He was so effected (despite his behaviour with our mother he is very sensitive regarding us). Today he is treating my mum so greatly and I am so shocked, I hope things stay the same. 🙂

    • Alex says:

      Hi! I’m so bruised and broken. Can we please talk on email. I really want to talk to you privately. Please please please

  11. Sally says:

    Alex…..I wouldn’t listen too much to what Robyn Graham Cherrie has to say about trusting God, acting like a person who loves God or loving her family. Read the blog and you can see she is anything but a Christian. She kicked her daughter out of her home more than a year ago and left her on the street. Thank God that she had a dad who loved her and allowed her to live in his home. She is doing wonderful now. She has a strained relationship with Robyn Graham Cherrie despite what you read here. Robyn Graham Cherrie fails to speak the truth. She modifies her blog to suit her cause of maliciousness towards others. These comments and any others that aren’t supportive of her cause will be deleted immediately because she doesn’t want her readers to know the truth. We will ensure the truth is heard!! To God Be The Glory!!!!

    • Alex, I am so sorry you have been dragged into this. You are more mature than any adult involved here. I hope things are going well for you and your family. This is sadly just a post from my ex who is very bitter right now.

      • alex says:

        It’s okay. Don’t give a damn to what he says. U are a great mother and his not accepting it is the prove that u are. I love u so much and no one can take that love away by stupid sayings. U were my very first helper, the helper sent to me by Jesus. I love u to the moon and back :-* :-*

  12. Frankie says:

    I am 15 and my dad has left my mum for a woman who is less than half his age and only two years older than my brother. He didn’t even tell me what was going on, he said he was staying with his mum because be was too angry and needed to clam down, I believed him but after a month and a half of him being gone, my mum told me that he had said he didn’t love her, she began to cry and said she still loved him so why didn’t he love her. Shortly after we had a family therapy meeting where they told me that dad wasnt planning on coming home, it was the first time id seen my brother cry in two years, they told bad he had an apartment.After the two month mark of him being gone, I began seeing a therapist and before my first meeting my mum decided to tell me that dad had another woman, she showed me her Facebook so I could see what she looked like, I immediately felt very angry, she was always doing a stupid pouty face. I began to hate my dad but I find it so hard because I’m used to loving him so much, I want to scream and punch him but whenever I see him I get happy that I am and only hug him. He has hurt my mum so bad, she thought that dad had just replaced her because she wasn’t young, or pretty or thin. I hate him.

    • Hi Frankie,

      I am so sorry for your situation. It is very sad indeed. I know your dad may try to say that he didn’t leave you or your brother, just your mom, but that isn’t true and even him saying that doesn’t make it sting any less. He left you and the family you knew and you will feel the pain of this for a long time.

      All of your feelings are very valid. You have every right to hate your dad’s behaviour and to want to do hurtful things back to him. You have every right to be happy to see him and to hug him and to love him. If you don’t want to meet pouty face, you don’t have to meet her. I would try to stay off her Facebook page as it might be very hurtful to see photos she posts with your dad. I understand how both you and your mom could be curious.

      I think it is very positive that you are involved in family therapy. I hope your dad is participating in that, too. I wish that we were able to participate in family therapy but my children’s father resisted for so long. Finally, 7 months after he left our family he went to a couple of sessions alone on the insistence of both of our lawyers but too much time had passed and he was not a good father during that time. Our children refused to meet with him at that point for sessions together. Their dad was not reliable in seeing them and always put his own activities and things he wanted to do above seeing his children. They were way too angry with him and it did not feel safe for them to be vulnerable and share their feelings in front of him.

      My younger daughter always said she never wanted to go and be with her dad. She always acted happy when he would cancel. That might have been a way she protected herself from further hurt. She didn’t have to be disappointed then if she never expected him to keep his word or to be there for her. She never stays over at his house even now, and it has been 2 1/2 years. They will never have the same relationship they had because he broke her trust on too many occasions. My younger daughter maybe sees her dad 2 hours/week maximum and then if he is available every other weekend he will take her for another 2 hours, maybe even over 2 days of the weekend. They never just spend a weekend together.

      As a mom, that is so painful to watch. We love our children so much and to see them hurt especially by someone who is supposed to love and protect them it is even worse. For you, I am sure you love your mom so much that you are mad seeing your dad cause both your mom and your brother to cry. You may want to protect your mom and not go and see your dad as you feel you need to be on your mom’s side. You can start to feel guilty and feel like you are betraying your mom by seeing your dad. Our feelings can all be so complicated and messy. Therapy is a great place to work it all out. Don’t be afraid to tell your mom if you want to speak to the therapist on your own as well. Anything you say will be held in confidence so you can share openly and honestly with the therapist to try and work through your feelings.

      Your mom will be going through a lot of stress and emotions as well. It isn’t your job to be a parent to her or your brother and that can be hard. It also isn’t your job to be her friend and listen to her share with you things your dad is saying or doing or what she is thinking and feeling all the time. This will put too much stress on you. It is easy to overhear things and my kids always wanted to know so much about what was going on with our situation. Knowing details just isn’t healthy for you. You will have enough to deal with surrounding your own emotions that you have to try not to take on your mom’s and brother’s emotions too.

      I think if you keep telling your mom that you think she is beautiful that will help her. It is so hard as a young girl to think that there is something wrong with getting older because your husband won’t love you anymore. Your dad leaving probably has way more to do with his own insecurities including aging than anything to do with how your mom looks. I think for a man to walk out on his family who all love him so much is one of the biggest regrets he will have later in life. I suspect that anything pouty face can give him now will be very temporary.

      I wish I could help you to understand your dad’s decision making but who knows why people make the selfish decisions that they make when those choices hurt the people who love him the most in this world.

      I hope that your family can get through this as well as is possible. I hope pouty face trips over her lip. 🙂

    • alex says:

      I can feel you. That’s the same with me I hate and love my father at the same time. He just passes his time with other women and at the end of the day and weekends he is with us. Still I hate him for cheating on my mum. I wish I would go to the time when I was eight, when I thought I had the happiest family and my father was my hero 😥

  13. Alex, thank you for your very kind words to me. It means so much! I am thinking of you all the time and praying that you are okay. Your crying face makes me cry too. I feel your pain and yet in your pain you shared empathy and your experience with Frankie and you encouraged me incredibly.

    I also thought I had the happiest family and I felt incredibly blessed every day. I always told my husband and I let his family know whenever I saw them that “I got the last good guy.” I thanked God for him all the time. He did a great job at making me feel loved and he was there for me and my children until the day he stopped being there for us. It was like a death occurred in our family only way more sad because when a person dies they don’t have a choice. My husband chose to die to his family yet continue to live a different and separate life from us. So painful. Then on top of that to actually hate me and act hatefully towards his children and their needs and wants.

    Jesus went through this same betrayal from people that he loved and cared for on a daily basis. He was in emotional anguish while he died on the cross. There was obviously the severe physical torture he suffered but the emotional pain was at the very least equal to the physical agony if not more so.

    We are all on a spiritual journey. God/Jesus just want to have a close personal relationship with us. Maybe we have to experience the same type of betrayal they endured to get to know them more closely, to understand them and have an even deeper relationship with them.

    I also think it helps us in our relationships here on earth. When we have been so deeply hurt and understand what that feels like we tend to be more kind and compassionate to other people in their suffering. I see how fragile and fleeting the important things are in life and I know what I want to focus my energy and time on. I believe that God is going to use you, Alex, to be one of those people who brings peace and goodness to the world. That is already your heart at such a young age.

    The bible gives lots of examples how Satan works. How he is the father of lies and the things he does to tempt people. He even tried to tempt Jesus and make promises to Jesus to try to get him to leave his plan of saving the world. He used Jesus’ best friend to try to get Jesus to abandon what he was doing. Satan hates us and wants us all to fail.

    My husband listened to Satan. He listened to the lies and followed the temptations. My husband made a conscious choice to do what he thought would make him happier. He forgot how happy he was. He decided he was no longer content with what he was given. Satan’s plan is to destroy my husband and his goal is to use my husband to destroy me and my children as well.

    If we can just see the world with spiritual eyes and understand that there is a constant battle between good and evil we can maybe understand a little bit how people who mean so much to us can turn around and treat us so cruelly. It doesn’t make the hurt go away and it takes a long time to heal but I know your life will still be filled with many, many more happy times.

    • alex says:

      Thnx alott for sharing all this. The problems in my family are getting even worse, I can’t help it. I try to make my siblings happy and cherished but still I can’t do great. I am so much worried plz help me

  14. She sounds like a wonderful, supportive daughter. My children, unfortunately “want their cheating,disease-giving father “to be happy.” THEY don’t understand what betrayal does to a woman. I am looking forward to reading more of your blog. It breaks my heart but I DO understand.

  15. I came across this article in the hopes to deal with the problems at my home and I feel awful asking for help when I read about her life and all of the other comments on here. There’s no drugs or alcohol involved with me, which I suppose is a good thing, but, please – I feel like I really need help.
    Quite a few months ago I got the suspicion that my father was being unfaithful. I was 15 at the time (I turn 16 March 2016, so I am still 15) and it really began to tug on my mind. He was always on his phone, he and mum had become very distant – not necessarily fighting, just as if they weren’t married. As if they were colleagues who resented one another at work. It was eating me up and every time he pulled out his phone I left like it was chipping at the hole inside me that slowly grew bigger. So eventually, I did both the inevitable and the unforgiveable: I looked through his phone.
    It was a selfish, disgusting, invasive thing for me to do and immediately after I had done it I felt like I had committed the worst crime. What made me feel even worse was that I was right. I saw a huge long text conversation between my dad and this foreign woman (he is a pilot, so he travels and is away a lot of the time). The conversation was full of dirty jokes and flirting and talks about the last time they had had sex. I immediately ran into a dark room in the house where I was alone. I felt too shocked and betrayed to cry.
    But then, when I confronted dad, I did start crying and I hate myself for it. he immediately came out with all of these excuses such as ‘After twenty odd years of marriage you do start to get bored’ and ‘Have you seen how mean your mum is to me sometimes?’ and what was so stupid was that I believed him! Looking back I can see that he was using me in my incredibly weak and unstable state to turn me against mum so that he felt he had a justification for his actions. I even did look at mum differently for a while.
    I tried to forgive him and for about two months, I felt like I could. But then every time my phone stopped working and we took it to the shop and the people asked me to unlock it, he would, every time, say ‘Yes because no one likes it when people go through their phones!’. Out of nowhere. I felt like crying in the shop when he said it and I felt so guilty. And, because I knew he was right, I said nothing. But then he did it again and again, all of the times in public until I finally asked him to please stop mentioning it. Then he suddenly turned very angry and started shouting at me even though I was trying to be rational about it. I acknowledged what I had done was wrong and that I felt awful, but still, he shouted. He became very defensive and made it all out to be my fault, and sometimes when we fight (which we do more than we used to) I get a little scared that he might hit me, which he sometimes did when I was younger as I was quite a rebellious child. It’s not like he’s abusive to me now and he hasn’t hit me in years. I just get a little scared, especially when he becomes very angry and sarcastic.

    When he argued withmeabout his phone, he made it sound as if I was the one who had betrayed the family – and he had the affair! He is still always on his phone and hiding it from me when I come near and often when I come into the study he tries to turn off his computer screen before (which he fails at and I always see) the pictures of pornography sites and naked women – with my mum in the house!
    We’ve just been fighting about such stupid little things lately and he’s become so temperamental and defensively aggressive that I often wonder where my laughing, caring father who pulled splinters out of my foot when I didn’t want to had gone. I feel like our relationship is falling apart and it breaks my heart.
    I sometimes look at him and feel so angry at his betrayal. But then other times I wonder if it was all because of me. If I hadn’t look through his phone and at what wasn’t really my business, would all of this have happened?
    I hate to write this right now but I feel like writing about it will help me to recover. I can’t afford to lose focus on my subjects, especially English, which I aspire to follow a career path in. Thank you so much if you have taken the time to read this. I just don’t know how to feel or what to say right now.

    • Alex says:

      Oh!! This ripped my heart. Cheating fathers lose the love they have for their children too. I wish I could give u company so that u forget ur sorrows for a while. Stay strong sis. Does ur mother know about this?? I know its hard but try to stay away from ur father as much as possible, he may hurt you. :-* love :-*

    • I am so sorry that you are going through the horrible consequences of discovering your dad is being unfaithful to your mom. It is a heavy weight for you to bear especially if your mom doesn’t know. Keeping your father’s secret and then protecting your dad from its discovery is not a burden a child should have to carry. It doesn’t sound like your dad is interested in changing his behaviour either.

      It is very classic for cheaters to try to make everyone else accept blame for their actions. They don’t want to change and they don’t want to accept responsibility for the damage they are doing to their family. You have no reason to feel guilty for checking your dad’s phone. There should have been nothing there for you to find. I bet your dad would have looked at your phone if he thought your behaviour was off and he was worried about what you were up to and wanted to help you. This is not your fault. This is not your mom’s fault. Your dad has made choices and decisions that are leading him away from your family. Pain and hurt are inevitable for everyone. The best case scenario is for your father to come clean to your mom and make decisions about whether they are going to work on their marriage or agree to separate.

      There was just a story on the news about a 9-year old boy in Toronto who used a cell phone to call the police on his mom who was driving under the influence of alcohol. The mom took the phone and said she only had one drink and then hung up the phone. But 911 called the boy back and were able to track his call and send police to pull over his mom. She blew higher than twice the legal limit. What a brave decision the child made to risk the anger of his mom and the consequences of police involvement (he was removed from her custody to go and live with his father and his mom had to go to jail). In the end he may have saved his mom’s life, his life and the lives of others. Sadly, sometimes the child has to take over the role of the parent because the parent isn’t doing their job of keeping the child safe, secure and loved. In your case, your dad loves himself more right now. He cares more about hiding his secret and doing whatever he has to do to keep his love affair hidden including degrading you for looking at his phone, turning you against your mom and making you feel scared and guilty.

      I think your mom needs to know what is going on. You are not betraying your father’s confidence. He did that all on his own. It is not your secret to carry and he has already betrayed your mom and your trust as well. I don’t know your family situation and how your dad or mom may react. I think it would be a good idea to involve a professional like your family physician or a school counselor or minister or one of your mom’s trusted friends who can be there when you tell your mom about what you know.

      I am very grateful that my daughter showed me what she found on her dad’s phone. It wouldn’t have done any of us any good to pretend what was going on wasn’t going on. Ignorance is not bliss as your are experiencing in your current living situation. Your mom sounds miserable, too. It will help your mom to understand why she is being treated so poorly by your father. I have no doubt your dad is also telling her that she is to blame for everything.

      It has been a long, difficult and painful process for me and my children and I suspect even my husband as well.
      I hope that you and your family can get counseling and help together because you will all need the support and help. We have done no healing as a family because my husband refused family counselling. When he reluctantly was being forced to participate by his lawyer my children wanted nothing to do with him. I still think it would be helpful for us to have this so we could deal with family issues that come up as a family but he is so not interested. It is one of the most painful aspects of betrayal. You start to realize that people you thought had a character that you admired, trusted and who had only your best interests in their hearts really were just selfish people who no longer were willing to put anyone else above their own desires. I am most angry about my husband’s ability to just up and leave his kids and not be interested in being more involved in their lives. It sounds harsh but when human beings start to follow desires that go against what they know to be right it creates a battle inside that eventually displays itself on the outside. If they have a conscience, I think they find themselves so deplorable knowing they live one way and try to portray something else that it would be impossible for them to not act hateful to everyone around them.

      I think it is why I am most sad for your story. I am sad for your mom but my biggest hope is that your dad will put you above his love interest. That was not the case for my children. All their dad wanted was to do what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it and children and responsibilities were not going to interfere with how he wanted to live his life. I am afraid that based on your dad’s response to your discovery of his affair that this is going to be your experience as well.

      My prayer is that you get the help and support you need; that you unload your secret and your mom learns the truth so you can all make enlightened decisions on how to move your family forward and heal; that your dad gets a huge wake up call and makes decisions to put his family and responsibilities first in his life; that your dad realizes that women outside his marriage are just a distraction from whatever is going on his life and his character that he is trying to avoid.

      I thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It is sad and heartbreaking for sure. I wish you and your family so much love and I hope you can all build trust again and repair all of the fractures in your relationships. You will be an adult soon enough but in the meantime I want you to be able to enjoy your youth feeling loved, secure, provided for emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually and without the burdens and worries you currently hold.

      Love Robyn

      Michaella, I wish I

  16. Tiffany says:

    Please, I hope someone can give me advice… There have been many times when I’d notice my dad talking really quietly on the phone at night, kind of secretively (our bedrooms are next to each other) so I’ve always been unsure but kind of suspicious. A few times, he’s gone to bed really late (on purpose because I know he has to get up early the next morning) and he doesn’t know I’d be up too, but I could again hear him talk/murmur really quietly in his phone or something. This sounds bad but I tried listening before, but the words were always too muddled for me to make out. The day before yesterday he was doing it again, and this time I happened to be out in the hallway, so I could get closer and listen more clearly, and he was saying this in Chinese: “Let’s have/give birth to another one (baby), yeah?” *laughs* “If we have/give birth to another one, don’t know what it’d look like” *laughs again* “Let me see him… let me see his little feet” and this was on a night when my parents fought and my dad called my mom mental. (He does so a lot and has been verbally abusive to me and my mom since long ago.) I had a poor relationship with him before, but now I don’t know how to act around him. I don’t know what to do. Should I tell? Should I tell my mom, or keep it to myself, or make him realize that I know? My mom knows I’m not fond of him (hell, I lost my love/trust for him before elementary school), but if I tell my mom, I think she’d be so hurt, and I don’t want her to feel that. I’m hesitating to tell him I know right now because he has hit my mom in the past, and me as well, and he is physically stronger than both of us so I wouldn’t feel safe if he got angry at me confronting him about it. If I don’t get a scholarship, I’ll need his money to go to college too. My mom would be so stressed financially otherwise, even just to provide for the two of us. I want to prioritize my mom’s safety and wellbeing above all.

    During dinner last night I couldn’t stop crying (because it’s hard for me to control my tears) and my parents kept asking what was wrong, kept trying to guess my problem, and I just didn’t know how to respond.. idk what I could tell them. I don’t know if it’s my place to say anything either. It’s not my problem, it’s a problem between them and their marriage, according to Google… The thing is, my dad had already wanted to divorce when I was in 8th grade… my mom refused then because it was right before 8th grade grad (and honestly I wouldn’t have minded if they did, would’ve been happy in fact) but now it’s dragged into this and I wish they’d divorced earlier, or that I had a normal family. It just kills me to see him acting like some “good father” when he hasn’t cared shit about me for years, and to see my mom still caring for him and helping him and being ordered around by him when I know he’s a disgusting, lying cheater. In fact, if I told my mom, she’d probably defend him or something too… so I don’t know what to do. Please, please help.

    • I am so sorry Tiffany that you are going through all of this. I would think that you should share your feelings with your dad and see how he responds in a normal situation but I definitely wouldn’t confront him because he has been physically abusive to you and your mom in the past. He may take this out on you and your mom. I suspect if your dad is being verbally abusive to your mom it is his way of trying to distance himself from the relationship with her and if he is hitting her he has way more hatred going on inside him. I am sure his guilt and shame are magnified when he sees her and she tries to be nice to him and be a loving wife. I think he wants to make her angry and try to give himself a reason to leave and/or he simply doesn’t care.

      Maybe your mom does know and is ignoring the truth for the same fears that you have. She would never want him to take out his anger on you or her physically and maybe she has the same financial concerns that you do so is staying with your dad for your sake as well. I wish I could say the court system would make sure he paid for your college tuition but my experience is that court is very expensive and that things don’t always go the way they should.

      You have every right to share your concerns about your family with your parents but I would seek some professional help in your situation because of the unpredictable nature of your father’s anger. Is there a Kid’s Crisis Hotline that you can call for advice? This is such a difficult, challenging and worrisome time for you and I am so sorry you are going through this.

      Robyn

  17. Janey Jaansen says:

    Maybe post this in the most appropriate place. This is about my cheating Mother but same applies to Father.

    Hi,
    I am a 30-year old woman and consider myself a “victim” of my mother’s cheating from years ago. She cheated on my Dad, denied it, lied about, ignored Dad’s pleas and efforts to make things work, and eventually left. She was basically brainwashed by the other man into thinking there was a great life in store for her. That was a lie too. He dumped her in less than a year but my parents just couldn’t get back together, it was too late. I was devastated and never really recovered. Sure, I went on with my life but ever since there there have been hundreds if not thousands of reminders of my Mom’s betrayal. It kills me to think about it. I’ve seen countless therapists but it doesn’t help. The thoughts just keep coming back, constantly reinforced by some event or holiday where I get to decide which parent participates and which doesn’t.
    So I wrote the “pledge” below, in a way to work through what I experienced but I’m sharing it now for any kid – maybe age 14 or more – who knows there is bad stuff going on in their home and don’t know what to do. I wish I’d had something like this at the time. I’m strongly suggesting you use the pledge to make sure your mom/dad knows the “cost” of going ahead with their affair and thinking about leaving. Maybe if you make the cost seem high enough, your cheating parent will give reconciliation another try.
    For you sake, I hope so, because the alternative is truly a horrible life.
    Janey J

    Christian Children of Broken Homes – Pledge to the Cheating Mom

    Mom,
    I don’t know if you are a “cheating Mom” or not. I don’t know if you have had or are having an affair behind Dad’s back. This is about how I feel about the real possibility that you are. You tell me that I’m “too young to understand” and I know you avoid answering my questions or telling me much of anything. But I’m not stupid and I can google things myself, which I have, and the way you act toward Dad and the way you talk to me and the way you refuse to try to make it better makes it a real possibility that you are cheating. If so, are you crazy? Don’t you know cheating is wrong? Completely, horribly, wrong? It isn’t right under any set of circumstances that you might dream up. Has everything you ever taught me about right and wrong another lie? How much are you lying to yourself or believing the lies of some other person?

    I’m sure there are a lot of problems that go way back in your marriage, before I was born even. I’m sure that some of those problems are Dad’s fault and some are your fault. But what do you do with that? Do you decide that Dad is more at fault than you are so it is justified in some warped way to “get back” at Dad for the imbalance and cheat on him, leave him, make him suffer just because you have suffered? That must be it because the other option – forgiveness, repentance, and reconciliation – sure isn’t happening. You aren’t trying one bit. Cheating, infidelity, adultery, whatever you want to call it, is way worse than any other set of problems. There is no comparison of infidelity to other problems and there is no possible justification for it.

    That makes me very sad and very angry to think that you could be doing that right now, to Dad, to me, to our family. If that is true, STOP IT! – right now and find a way to fix your marriage, whatever it takes! You talk so much about how much I mean to you and how much you love me. Well, its time to put your money where your mouth is – try to fix your marriage for no other reason than because I am worth it and continue trying for as long as I am worth trying for. Otherwise, I need you to look me in the eye and say this: “Janey, I’m not going to try again because you aren’t worth it, my selfish needs are more important than anything else, and my family just isn’t worth keeping together.”

    I’m really angry at you Mom. This is my pledge, my promise, to you if it ever turns out that you are cheating on Dad. Adults love to say “Oh, it will be better for the kids in the long run” but that is complete bull crap because that is not what I’ve heard from people who have been through it. If you are having an affair, you are probably spending a lot of time convincing yourself it is ok. Lying to yourself, basically. Well, even a kid knows it is not. It is a sin. A horrible, devastating sin. If so, STOP lying to yourself and realize what you are doing. Get away from it long enough to get your head clear enough to see what you’re doing.

    Why am I signing this pledge? Because I can see how much pain you cause Dad and how much tension you bring into my life. Every day I can see it and feel it. I see you not trying to make things better at the same time I hear you blaming Dad for all your problems. I see how hard Dad is trying to improve things and it doesn’t make the slightest difference to you. Its obvious that you don’t try, not even a little bit, to make things better and try to repair the problems. It seems you actually are working at not trying! You won’t even try? For me? Guess what, that makes me very very angry, at you.

    This is how I feel about thinking that you have betrayed your marriage vows to Dad and to God. This is how I feel about you inflicting on Dad some of the worst possible pain one human can inflict on another and being self-righteous and unrepentant about it. Mom, if that is the case, it is really disgusting. You have to stop thinking that it is anything else but plain, downright, disgusting.

    If you are not doing anything like this, please explain to me why you aren’t trying to fix your marriage and explain to me why Dad seems to think that you are having an affair and explain to me all the other suspicious, unanswered things going on.

    If you are having an affair and you really, honestly admit it, completely stop it, completely separate yourself from that asshole, repent, seek forgiveness, and start trying to fix it, I will be the first to run into your arms and say “thank you!”

    Mom, here is my pledge to you, if it ever turns out that you are cheating on Dad and you separate or divorce:

    1) I will refuse to live with you. Ever. I don’t care what some court says. I won’t do it. If the court forces me, I will run away.
    2) I will not participate in anything where “some other person” is present. I don’t ever want to see you together with someone else and I never want to see or hear about “someone else.”
    3) In the future, when one of the many many conflicts that you have caused comes up, Dad get’s first choice, you get second. Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, Graduations, Weddings, Babies, all of it. Dad first, you second. Why should Dad be punished, forever, for what you have done?
    4) If anyone in our family talks to me about “its all worked out better this way or “its all better in the long run” or some crap like that, I will tell them they are dead wrong and I will tell them everything I know now and everything I might find out in the future. Cheating is sin and sin hates the light and I’m going to shine light on it.

    Best choice, Mom, is to make your marriage with Dad work.

    Signed

    _____________________________________________ On _______________________________

    • This is incredibly powerful. Thank you for taking the time to post your pledge here. I know my girls (14 and 18) are struggling with the same things. I wish you healing. How is your relationship with your mother today?

      Robyn

  18. Nikole says:

    My father left my mother after 34 years of marriage. I knew the end was coming, I never saw the end including a mistress. The divorce I encouraged, because the end was horrid. He left my mother, my siblings and my children. How do I cope with a father who wants nothing to do with me? How do you deal with a father who no longer wants a relationship after 32 years?

    • I am so sorry for your situation. How hurtful. I have no idea what your father is thinking or doing. It always amazes men that leave the family they started to go and be with someone else and either start a family with that person or raise that person’s children and reject their own original children. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Rejection by the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally, protect you and be the man who is so good to you that is the standard you judge all other men in your life.

      I want to believe that he feels so guilty, that he is so insecure and empty on the inside that he feels he has nothing to give and that he thinks you wouldn’t want to have a relationship with him and would be better off without him. Then there is hope. Counselling and figuring out a way to rebuild can happen.

      Getting professional help is my best recommendation for you to be able deal with and process your own grieving cycle and to figure out how to move forward with your current loss. I feel like there will be a lot of deceit and double life information that will surface with a mistress being involved. It is very difficult to learn that your father isn’t the person you thought he was.

      I wish you love, comfort and support as you deal with this. I hope your mom is doing well and that you both have a great relationship together. Your mom will have her own pain but we hurt so much for our children’s loss as well.

  19. An says:

    I can understand how it feels. ..this is the worst pain one could get…more worst is if you hv to live with that person. .and most worst is when you know truth of that another lady and you fail to prove instead you are trapped.

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