cheating, dating, separation

Child’s Perspective

I had lunch together with both of my daughter’s.

My 17-year old commented, “You know, Mom.  You should actually thank Janice.  She did you a favour by getting dad out your life.  You deserve better.”

My 13-year old asked, “Why does dad have to bring Janice to take me out to dinner?”

I didn’t respond.

My older daughter suggested that he just wants Janice to get to know her.  My younger daughter said she didn’t want that and finds it so annoying that Janice always tries to bud in on conversations between my girls that have nothing to do with her and they aren’t talking to her.

I just reflected that we used to go out as a family and spend the time knowing what was going on in each others lives.  My ex is missing out on so much with my younger daughter’s life and I am missing out on my older daughter’s life as she lives with her dad. Now some other woman is asking what deodorant my daughter wears?  And I should thank her?

Reflecting on my younger daughter’s query about the intrusion of another woman on her relationship with her dad makes me sad because what message does she receive when her dad either bails on her for other plans or if he does pick her up after dance on his scheduled Friday and he is alone he just takes her through the McDonalds drive-thru, doesn’t eat with her and just drops her off at home.  At least if he brings Janice they take her out to dinner and he gets to spend some time with his daughter even though she feels like an intrusion on their date.  Last Friday when they took her out she couldn’t even eat.  She had one bite of her pizza while she watched them share a surf and turf salad, a pizza and wine. She brought her pizza home to me to eat.  She just needs to share and I listen as much as I would prefer not to know or hear about it.

I no longer do anything to try to make her dad have a relationship with his daughter. If he bails on her; I am there to pick her up. If she choses not to stay at his house she is always welcome here and I am home every night for her. It makes no difference to me if it should be my weekend to have some freedom. If he chooses not to spend quality time with his daughter and build a real relationship with her that is his loss and I will do what I can to make sure she feels wanted, respected and loved. Is it hard to date as a result?  Sometimes.

My ex told a friend of ours shortly after we separated that he is not sacrificing his happiness for the sake of his children.  That is one word he has kept.

Will I be thanking Janice? No.  Do I deserve better?  Absolutely and so do my children.

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divorce, lying selfishenss, parenting after separation

Flakey Father

Well, yet another disappointment in the world of father/daughter. This time he left his 12-year old stranded at her dance studio. It was the last class of the night and she was done at 7:30 this evening, Friday.

It was my older daughter that alerted me first that her dad wasn’t going to pick up her sister. I was just on my way out the door to meet friends for dinner. I texted him reminding him it was his weekend to pick up our daughter from dance. He said that she texted him last night saying she didn’t need a ride.  When I told him that I suspected that was yet another one of his lies, he sent me a copy of the text. It said that she wasn’t sleeping over. She never wants to sleep at his place but he still picks her up and buys her McDonalds and drops her off at home. I asked to see what question he texted her first, but he never showed me.

I confirmed that I was not available to get her and that in fact she was expecting him to pick her up since we had that conversation before she went to school in the morning.

He never once apologized; not to me, not to our daughter.  He sent me several texts with excuses–he was downtown having dinner, he didn’t have his car, she said she wasn’t sleeping over, etc.

I told him to take a cab and to meet his obligations and responsibilities to his daughter first.  He seems to think he is punishing me by putting the burden on my shoulders and ruining my plans for the evening. He is clueless to how much he continues to hurt his relationship with his daughters by breaking their trust repeatedly.

My older daughter was also upset.  She was expecting to go with her dad and her younger sister to dinner.  She said she waited around and didn’t make any plans specifically to be able to do that.  She was very concerned that her sister didn’t have a ride home.  She contacted her dad to find out where his vehicle was so she could drive to get her sister. It was at Janice’s place.  How can that woman think it is okay to be with a man as self-centred as my ex?  She must recognize after being with him for 2 years after our separation that A) he rarely sees his youngest daughter but even rarely sees our older daughter who lives with him and B) there is a schedule that he breaks consistently. She must realize, hey, isn’t it your weekend? She has no kids but regardless I have friends without kids who consider his behaviour reprehensible. Does she feel good thinking he is putting her above his kids?  No Janice, he is only putting himself above the needs of his kids. I find his behaviour to be the biggest turn off but this woman has no conscience or she wouldn’t have gone after a married man with kids in the first place screwing around and lying to her husband in the process.

At 7:40 p.m. my daughter called me.  I had just been served my dinner at the restaurant.  “Dad forgot to pick me up.”  There was only one friend left at the dance studio waiting for her ride.  Thankfully, they took my daughter with them.  I texted my ex to say where she was and where he could pick her up but he never responded.

I picked up my younger daughter and I drove a half hour in the opposite direction to get my older daughter. We came back to my place for a sleep over and we played board games for the rest of the night and laughed a lot.

The 3 of us are driving up to Nanaimo tomorrow to stay over night to support my younger daughter in her dance competition on Sunday. Her dad has not seen one of her solo performances this year and bailed on the second show of her group performances. She said she doesn’t want him to come. I think that is easier to deal with than wanting him there but knowing he won’t show up. He still isn’t paying a dime towards her dance as per the mediation agreement that he continues to be in breach of since November 2014.

My older daughter and I are going to a university open house on Tuesday night.  She got a ticket for her dad but he doesn’t want to go. He never went to university so he may not find this event important but it underscores his lack of support for his daughters. For me, it underscores that if my daughter does go back home to university that my younger daughter and I may move back home with her her too. I never would have taken my kids away from their dad but he really couldn’t care less.

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affairs, cheating, children, control, debt, divorce, family

Dick of a Dad

Confirmation that my husband made a conscious choice to not just leave me but to leave his kids is in the way that he continuously handles his responsibilities for them. He doesn’t.

Surprisingly, Valentine’s Day weekend was the first weekend in almost 2 years that there wasn’t an issue with him picking up my youngest daughter from dance on Friday night and having her for the weekend. He at least picked her up. Usually I get a text saying that he can’t get her because he has hockey (at this time of year), a golf game, business function, he’s away for the weekend, etc. If I ever say I have plans so I can’t get her for him his standard response is “figure it out” because he won’t be there.

She stayed over night at his place on Friday but when I came home from my Valentine’s Day dinner all of the lights in my house were on. I expected her to be in her bed but she was across the street at her friend’s house where she stayed over night. He had taken her to Wendy’s for dinner (saw the drink cup on my coffee table) and she told me Sunday morning he dropped her off at 6:30 p.m. because he had Valentine Day plans. He picked her up at noon on Sunday for lunch, took her to dance practice for 1:30 p.m. and dropped her back home when she was finished, around 2:30 p.m.

When it comes to paying his financial responsibilities for the kids that still hasn’t changed. He doesn’t. He is responsible for paying 70% of the special expenses. This includes my daughter’s dance. He has not paid one dime in 2 years for these expenses or any expenses for the kids (although now that my oldest is living with him he contributes to her living expenses but she still contacts me because she won’t go to her dad to tell him the items she really needs). I pay support for her which is deducted from the amount he is supposed to be paying for our youngest daughter.

In mediation he agreed to pay 50% of my daughter’s dance expenses until our house is sold, then he will pay 70%. That hasn’t happened either and since our mediation 4 months ago he owes me $2005. This sum also includes money that he went into our joint account, where I am the only one who puts money in, and paid his personal bills. In mediation he agreed to come to the bank with me so we could close our joint account. He hasn’t done this either. I am going to the bank today to show them he is stealing from me and to see if they will close it without his signed authorization. If we want to still have house insurance I will have to move that joint expense to my personal account. The other thing he agreed to do in mediation that he hasn’t is to maintain a life insurance policy. If he were to die, I would be left with huge debt, no spousal support, no child support and the kids would have no money for extra-curricular activities, medical expenses, orthodontist expenses, education, weddings, etc.

I can’t understand how this man cares so little for his family, to the point he seems to hate his family, that he leaves us with a huge exposure to be financially devastated if he were to die. It is $61/month for him to have $500,000 worth of coverage. Before we separated, he maintained $750,000 of life insurance coverage.

My daughter has her first performance of the year this Saturday. Dress rehearsal is Friday so costumes have to be picked up and paid for by Thursday at the latest. Her dad knows this. He was copied on the invoice from the dance studio. I followed up with him by email, text and voice mail. He failed to give my daughter a cheque for 50% tonight when he was with her. I do not let my kids know that daddy doesn’t pay support for them or pay any of his other financial obligations to them but my daughter knows that mommy can’t pay 100% of the costume fees this time. She texted her dad (she refuses to call him) and his response was “Mommy’s paying.”

So more money wasted on contacting my lawyer, to contact his lawyer, to deal with this. In the meantime, my younger daughter is caught in the middle again. I don’t know if my ex is oblivious to how this effects her relationship with him but he truly doesn’t care. He thinks he is punishing me but the stress this puts on my daughter is cruel and the strain it adds to their relationship is not easily repaired. Come her next weekend with her dad I will be the one hearing the battle cry on why she shouldn’t have to go to his place for the weekend and I will be the one trying to encourage her to have a relationship with a man who would probably be happier to do anything else but spending time with his kids. (My oldest daughter is never there on the weekends. She told me she stays at her dad’s place because he is never there and she can do whatever she likes).

Did he ever loves his kids or was that an act, too?

Dance is our youngest daughter’s passion. It is what she wants to do as a career. It is her only extra-curricular activity and it is a commitment we made together prior to our separation to support her in this. This year she has had to cut back on the dance that she normally would have been enrolled in due to our financial situation.

Dad has a ticket for the show. I suspect he is bringing his girlfriend because he asked both my girls to find out which shows I am going to be at. I am always at every show. That won’t change. I am the one who will be putting in the required parent volunteering hours for the show as well. He will just look the supportive role by being there. What he presents on the outside is a sham.

I wonder how he would feel if our daughter was the only one not in costume. Narcissists don’t like public shaming. I almost wish that would happen and if I can’t pay for the costumes would they really do? Would they re-arrange the dance without my daughter? The problem is that it would be my daughter who would be the one to suffer. I am doing my best to keep that from happening but the dick has a hard heart and keeps rising to prove himself as just that–a dick, who does what he thinks he needs to do to ensure that no one but him has a happy ending.

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