adultery, affair, Hawaii, Uncategorized

What Happens in the Pause

I just needed to take a break.

I needed to ignore my overwhelming ‘To Do’ list.

I needed to say “No” to doing anything.

I needed to try to halt my thoughts and clear my mind.  Essentially to not focus, concentrate, reflect or ruminate on anything. To try to stop worrying. I didn’t write about anything.  I tried to let everything flow in and out of my mind without judgment or consideration. I stepped back and I stepped aside.

I needed a hiatus from my friends, my routine and the day to day requirements of my pets and kids.

I needed a different scenario.  An escape.

I just needed to do something that I wanted to do for me for no other purpose than enjoyment. Required respite.

My forced cessation of everything ended with a 3 week vacation.  The first week was spent camping with my youngest daughter and her friend.  I did have a couple of friends at the campsite and a friend who came up to visit for one day.  After a week I returned home to spend a day touring friends from Ontario around Victoria and then the next day I flew to Hawaii for 2 weeks to celebrate my 50th birthday.  I took my kids and I am glad that we were able to share in so many amazing experiences together.  I still think that a week away in the future completely by myself or with one close friend is necessary. The urge to be able to be alone, to eat, sleep, do the things that I want to do when I want to do them without interruption or distraction is such a desire and need in my life right now.  More refreshment should revitalize me further.

On the last day that I spent in Hawaii, I played in the waves all by myself on Hapuna Beach. It is apparently voted the 3rd best family beach in the world. It was a sunny day; no clouds in the sky and the water was so warm with a white sandy bottom. The waves would pull me back and then push me in. It was easy to just float and be lulled by the movement. The beach was long and I started from the middle and went all the way to the left to the Hapuna Beach Prince Hotel and then back to the other side where the rock formations make caves and lava tubes. I made this journey twice. I swam, floated, walked and jumped.  Sometimes it didn’t seem like I was making any progress at all and I just stayed in one spot. Other times, the tide would pull me and I would panic a little if I got too far away from shore. Eventually I made it to where I planned to go.

Hapuna Beach

I returned home with clearer thinking and renewed energy to work toward finishing all the tasks that I need to do to end my marriage and settle our legal matters.

Some things that I noticed during my pause:

  •  I don’t have tolerance for garbage in my life. I am letting people and things go without regret.
  • I say what is on my mind and I am clear with my expectations.
  • I am eager and excited for change, adventurers, new people in my life and new possibilities anywhere they might take me.
  • I am braver and fear little.
  • The scar on my right arm from 3 surgeries for Melanoma, that the specialist I saw in June was concerned continued to be raised and wasn’t flattening despite all the massaging with oils, now lies completely flat and is pain free.
  • A slit in my right thumb nail that has plagued me for the last 10  years with continual breakage down into my nail bed is miraculously healed.  I can’t stop looking at it and rubbing it.  I feel like I am healing all over at the cellular level.
  • I realized that my ex has built his entire world around his work.   He gets all his needs met at the workplace.  All his benefits and money come from his employment. He is fed there, drinks there, gets sex there, the other woman works there, and his 2 best male friends who extend his social life beyond the walls of the office work there.  He has created his work to be his God.

 

 

 

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adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, Florida, marriage, other woman, travel

My Nosy Ex

My girls and I were at our last stop in Calgary, Alberta before catching our final flight back to Victoria.  It was a long travel day and we were enjoying an excellent dinner at the Calgary airport. My daughter was legal drinking age in Alberta, 18 years old, so I was able to buy her a pomegranate mango passion fruit sangria (her choice) in a giant mason jar glass as her first legal drink.

My phone buzzed during our dinner and it was a text from my ex.  He said,  “btw… say hi to (friend’s name) for me.”  Some how he found out who I was staying with in Florida during our trip.  It is a guy that grew up on the same street as me in London, Ontario. He is 5 years older but my sister went to school with his sister, he knew my parents and me, we went to some of the same parties in high school and we reconnected in Toronto after university as we both worked in the insurance industry.

He was always very kind to me treating me to dinners, concerts and golf tournaments as his client when he was a marketing rep for a company that I used often for business purposes.  When Dave and I were travelling on a road trip down to Baltimore and then up the east coast he generously gave us restaurant gift certificates and baseball tickets at stops along the way.  He did the same thing after I won a trip to Las Vegas during a golf tournament he took me to as his guest.  Dave and I went to Vegas and then stayed an extra week renting a car to travel around California.

My older daughter had lunch with her dad today before I drove her to the ferry to head back to school. Her dad mentioned my friend and said that he knew him and didn’t know why we kept it a secret that we were staying with him.  It wasn’t a secret. Why would my ex think that me or my children should share any details of my life with him? My children didn’t find out about the trip until Christmas Day and we left at 3:45 a.m. the next day to go to the airport.  Their dad chose to see the girls for lunch on Christmas Eve so they didn’t even see him after finding out about the trip.  I told Dave in advance that we were going away and for how long so he was aware I was taking our daughters out of the country. He was fine with that, wrote me a letter for customs just in case, and didn’t ask where I was going let alone if I was going with anyone.

My older daughter asked him 3 times at lunch today how he knew that we were staying with my friend in Florida.  She said that each time she asked he changed the subject and never responded to her question.

Hmm, I wonder if he knows who slept over at my house the night before we left on our trip and who drove us to the airport and then picked us up the night we returned. 🙂

 

 

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adultery, affair, childrent, divorce, family, in-laws, separation, travel

The ex takes a vacation

My ex, for the first time since our separation, took our girls on vacation.  He took them back to Ontario only because his parents paid for their flights with air miles and he was allowed to bring the other woman.

It will be interesting to see how that goes as both my ex’s mom was cheated on by my father-in-law and my ex’s brother was cheated on by his ex wife.  I know the feelings that were relived by both of them when I experienced the same thing and how devastated they were that it was their own son/brother causing the pain.  The other woman will always be judged by them and seen for what she did.  They loved me and she took that relationship away from them. She is a reminder to them of a very ugly period in their own lives. She is that symbol and she is the cause for the destruction of their son/brother’s family that they loved as it was part of them too. She is only with my ex because she found no issue with fooling around with a married man or tearing apart his family and they are strongly against that and what she stands for and represents.  The ripple effect of her actions did not miss my ex’s family and I suspect none of them will be too thrilled to spend a week with her.  I know my kids are not happy about it.  But I know everyone will pretend.  This is the first time my ex’s brother, his wife and their son will see my girls or my ex since our separation.

They were flying out very early on Thursday morning.  As such, my ex canceled taking my younger daughter to dinner on Tuesday and instead decided he would just take her Wednesday night and have her sleep over afterwards. On Tuesday night at 10:30 p.m. my ex texted me the following:  “Please have the girls birth certificates ready for when I pick up (our younger daughter’s name) at 5:30. Thank you.”

Firstly, I have to say that I asked my ex to provide me with their flight details and he said that he didn’t have that information with him to give me at the time I asked.  He never did get me that information.  Anything I ask him for he refuses, denies, and avoids.  I still haven’t been reimbursed the $197 he owes me and I have incurred further expenses that he owes now too.  He is aware of this. It has been more than 3 weeks since I have provided him with receipts that he tried desperately to make sure I couldn’t get to him. Now he wants me to give him birth certificates.  I have no idea why these are needed? They aren’t needed. They are flying in Canada so all they have to have is government issued photo ID.  My older daughter has her driver’s license and my younger daughter has her passport.

So my response was : “You can have them in exchange for the cheque you owe me.  No cheque, no certificates.”

His response:  “You can’t hold me and the girls hostage (my name). I’ll have (his lawyer’s name) call (my lawyer’s name) in the morning.”

I told him about the other receipts I had for his reimbursement and that he could review them when he picks up our daughter and leave a cheque for those as well. These are all expenses he agreed to pay as per our mediation agreement.

His response:  “You can’t demand anything. I can pay items agreed upon in a reasonable time period not when you demand it. You can’t withhold giving me their travel documents. Legally, you have no grounds. I will get an order if necessary tomorrow and will ask for costs because of your unreasonable nature.”

I reminded him again of who has been unreasonable for 2 1/2 years and that 3 weeks to review receipts he agreed to pay in mediation especially when it is a binding, legal agreement is unreasonable. I also told him I just went through a big move, had so many boxes to unpack still that I didn’t even know if I could find birth certificates.  This is true.  I kept out my daughter and my passports and put those in my purse but all other documents are boxed up together in my filing case.  My ex told me I would hear from my lawyer in the morning. He added that his demand of a birth certificate is not unreasonable and what a joke if I wouldn’t provide them. He added, “And you wonder why people don’t want to help you??”

I responded, “And reimbursing me for expenses you owe is so unreasonable.”

He texted back, “That has nothing to do with your responsibility to provide their travel documents. I’m not wasting time discussing with you. You can pay your lawyer $300/hour to tell you to provide them.” Then he went on to say that I have his birth certificate and social insurance number, too so for me to get those ready to give him along with another cheque for my lawyer.  I don’t have any of his documents.  I gave him all of his stuff 2 1/2 years ago.

I started to think that he let his passport expire.  I know he never renewed my older daughter’s passport.  I gave her an application to get this done as well as her expired passport.  I followed up with her to do it and she kept saying her dad was going to do it and fast track it but it never got done.  I knew my older daughter had her driver’s license and that my ex had travelled since our separation so he had to have documentation to do this. It is very typical of him to leave this all so last minute to make any requests. He never had to worry about travel documents in the past, especially for our children.  I handled every detail with respect to our trips.  He only packed his clothes for himself.

The next morning he texted saying he contacted his lawyer and he will do whatever is necessary to force me to turn over what he is requesting and will seek costs against me. He adds, “Hmm for someone who beckons she’s moved on and that I exhibit controlling behaviour you should think again. This reeks of the opposite.  Enjoy paying your lawyer today. Hope it’s worth it.”

Then he texted my daughter telling her to make me give her all the birth certificates.  I assured her that she did not have to get involved in any of daddy’s requests to me and that daddy can deal with mommy directly.  I assured her that she had her passport and that she did not need any other travel documents. She said that she had to respond back to her dad.  I told her to tell him that she had her passport and that mommy said anything else he wanted he could talk to mommy about.

He picked her up at 6:30 p.m. I waited outside with her for the hour that he was late.  He did let her know he was running late. My daughter was worried his girlfriend might be with him.  I assured her I had no such worries and she needn’t worry about that. When he arrived, my ex and I didn’t even look at each other and we exchanged no words.  My daughter and I hugged and kissed goodbye while he loaded her suitcase into his vehicle. I wished her an excellent vacation and truly meant it.  I am missing her so much and it has only been 2 days.

I scheduled an appointment with my lawyer to find a solution to be able to disengage with my ex completely as I decided enough is enough for me.  It is clear my ex will never be able to deal with me directly regardless of any agreements in place.

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