adultery, affair, childrent, divorce, family, in-laws, separation, travel

The ex takes a vacation

My ex, for the first time since our separation, took our girls on vacation.  He took them back to Ontario only because his parents paid for their flights with air miles and he was allowed to bring the other woman.

It will be interesting to see how that goes as both my ex’s mom was cheated on by my father-in-law and my ex’s brother was cheated on by his ex wife.  I know the feelings that were relived by both of them when I experienced the same thing and how devastated they were that it was their own son/brother causing the pain.  The other woman will always be judged by them and seen for what she did.  They loved me and she took that relationship away from them. She is a reminder to them of a very ugly period in their own lives. She is that symbol and she is the cause for the destruction of their son/brother’s family that they loved as it was part of them too. She is only with my ex because she found no issue with fooling around with a married man or tearing apart his family and they are strongly against that and what she stands for and represents.  The ripple effect of her actions did not miss my ex’s family and I suspect none of them will be too thrilled to spend a week with her.  I know my kids are not happy about it.  But I know everyone will pretend.  This is the first time my ex’s brother, his wife and their son will see my girls or my ex since our separation.

They were flying out very early on Thursday morning.  As such, my ex canceled taking my younger daughter to dinner on Tuesday and instead decided he would just take her Wednesday night and have her sleep over afterwards. On Tuesday night at 10:30 p.m. my ex texted me the following:  “Please have the girls birth certificates ready for when I pick up (our younger daughter’s name) at 5:30. Thank you.”

Firstly, I have to say that I asked my ex to provide me with their flight details and he said that he didn’t have that information with him to give me at the time I asked.  He never did get me that information.  Anything I ask him for he refuses, denies, and avoids.  I still haven’t been reimbursed the $197 he owes me and I have incurred further expenses that he owes now too.  He is aware of this. It has been more than 3 weeks since I have provided him with receipts that he tried desperately to make sure I couldn’t get to him. Now he wants me to give him birth certificates.  I have no idea why these are needed? They aren’t needed. They are flying in Canada so all they have to have is government issued photo ID.  My older daughter has her driver’s license and my younger daughter has her passport.

So my response was : “You can have them in exchange for the cheque you owe me.  No cheque, no certificates.”

His response:  “You can’t hold me and the girls hostage (my name). I’ll have (his lawyer’s name) call (my lawyer’s name) in the morning.”

I told him about the other receipts I had for his reimbursement and that he could review them when he picks up our daughter and leave a cheque for those as well. These are all expenses he agreed to pay as per our mediation agreement.

His response:  “You can’t demand anything. I can pay items agreed upon in a reasonable time period not when you demand it. You can’t withhold giving me their travel documents. Legally, you have no grounds. I will get an order if necessary tomorrow and will ask for costs because of your unreasonable nature.”

I reminded him again of who has been unreasonable for 2 1/2 years and that 3 weeks to review receipts he agreed to pay in mediation especially when it is a binding, legal agreement is unreasonable. I also told him I just went through a big move, had so many boxes to unpack still that I didn’t even know if I could find birth certificates.  This is true.  I kept out my daughter and my passports and put those in my purse but all other documents are boxed up together in my filing case.  My ex told me I would hear from my lawyer in the morning. He added that his demand of a birth certificate is not unreasonable and what a joke if I wouldn’t provide them. He added, “And you wonder why people don’t want to help you??”

I responded, “And reimbursing me for expenses you owe is so unreasonable.”

He texted back, “That has nothing to do with your responsibility to provide their travel documents. I’m not wasting time discussing with you. You can pay your lawyer $300/hour to tell you to provide them.” Then he went on to say that I have his birth certificate and social insurance number, too so for me to get those ready to give him along with another cheque for my lawyer.  I don’t have any of his documents.  I gave him all of his stuff 2 1/2 years ago.

I started to think that he let his passport expire.  I know he never renewed my older daughter’s passport.  I gave her an application to get this done as well as her expired passport.  I followed up with her to do it and she kept saying her dad was going to do it and fast track it but it never got done.  I knew my older daughter had her driver’s license and that my ex had travelled since our separation so he had to have documentation to do this. It is very typical of him to leave this all so last minute to make any requests. He never had to worry about travel documents in the past, especially for our children.  I handled every detail with respect to our trips.  He only packed his clothes for himself.

The next morning he texted saying he contacted his lawyer and he will do whatever is necessary to force me to turn over what he is requesting and will seek costs against me. He adds, “Hmm for someone who beckons she’s moved on and that I exhibit controlling behaviour you should think again. This reeks of the opposite.  Enjoy paying your lawyer today. Hope it’s worth it.”

Then he texted my daughter telling her to make me give her all the birth certificates.  I assured her that she did not have to get involved in any of daddy’s requests to me and that daddy can deal with mommy directly.  I assured her that she had her passport and that she did not need any other travel documents. She said that she had to respond back to her dad.  I told her to tell him that she had her passport and that mommy said anything else he wanted he could talk to mommy about.

He picked her up at 6:30 p.m. I waited outside with her for the hour that he was late.  He did let her know he was running late. My daughter was worried his girlfriend might be with him.  I assured her I had no such worries and she needn’t worry about that. When he arrived, my ex and I didn’t even look at each other and we exchanged no words.  My daughter and I hugged and kissed goodbye while he loaded her suitcase into his vehicle. I wished her an excellent vacation and truly meant it.  I am missing her so much and it has only been 2 days.

I scheduled an appointment with my lawyer to find a solution to be able to disengage with my ex completely as I decided enough is enough for me.  It is clear my ex will never be able to deal with me directly regardless of any agreements in place.

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10 thoughts on “The ex takes a vacation

  1. What a shitty person he is, as if you didn’t already know. I feel for you. My dad threatened my mother that if she ever asked for child support he would sue for custody and bankrupt her in the process. He drove a 2 year old Jaguar and she drove a second hand 2 door sedan. Some people are just awful. And I hope your daughters can see through him. It’s painful being the child who realises that about a parent but it sets you free too. Nothing he did mattered after I realised what he was. And eventually he was sorry (I was 30) but it was too late. I never returned that call. You take care and feel good about yourself.

    • I understand why people give up the fight to get what is legally their entitlement to receive. I have paid more than $40,000 in legal fees to get what is owed and it is only starting to appear 2 1/2 years later. I still have to fight for him to disclose his income, to pay expenses he signed a mediation agreement that he would pay and I have only received one month of spousal and child support based on his lowest income estimation doubting if the next payment will be there on August 1. I don’t know if financially it is worth it but I do know it is the right thing to do. I am trusting that very soon I will have the legal documentation in place to provide to the appropriate authorities to ensure my ex takes cares of his legal responsibilities. I would be doing my children and women in general a disservice by not holding my ex accountable. My ex is a bully too and constantly tells me how I am the one wasting resources in the legal process. He threatens restraining orders against me and tells me lies like all my friends have left me and my family is against me. If he just did the right thing and acted in a fair and equitable manner we could pay our children’s university tuition with what we have paid together in legal fees. Shame.

  2. I don’t know if they’re actually there… you might want to call your daughter. In 2009, the laws for US>Canada travel changed. By land or sea, for those 16 and under, only a birth certificate is required. Air travel between the US and Canada for ALL US citizens, regardless of age, now requires a passport or NEXUS card.

    (This is assuming that you’re in the US, of course. You may not have heard from your daughter because Dad effed it up, royally. With a birth cert., travel into Canada as a minor can only happen by land or sea, not via air travel.)

  3. Nevermind… through some verbage in other blog posts of yours, you’re Canadian?

    (I’m in NY and border issues used to be non-existent for most, making transitioning to the new rules difficult for many, still. People are still showing up for flights and at the border with their DL and then get hysterical when they can’t be let through. :/ )

    • Yes, we are Canadian. They were able to travel without incident. I am surprised my ex didn’t ask for a letter from me confirming he had my permission to take our kids with him but maybe that is also only needed when leaving the country. I had him complete this type of letter when I took our children to the States a couple of times.

  4. Kay says:

    The solution is simple , go to divorce court , get a settlement and child support.

    You’re letting him take the piss.

    It is within your rights. You should not have sold the house without a settlement.

    Speak to your lawyer about a divorce settlement, then he will have no choice but to comply. U owe it to yourself and ur children.

    • Ahh, if it was only that simple. We had a court date and a 5 day trial set up for the week of November 6, 2014. Instead we opted for a 2 day mediation which turned into a terribly long (10:00 a.m. – 11:00 p.m.) 1 day mediation. We opted, with legal advice from both our lawyers, to go this route to save in expenses. I don’t believe that happened as I just paid a $27,000 legal bill. I paid more than that in the 2 years prior. Selling the house was part of the mediation agreement. It was a joint asset that we had to liquidate. Unfortunately, you can’t make anyone do anything even when they’ve signed a legal document saying they are going to do something. I have to go to court now to get an order to get my ex to follow the mediation agreement he signed. He has agreed to pay spousal and child support but now has not provided documents to support his income on which support is to be based. It is a frustrating process when you are dealing with someone with the personality of my ex. My lawyer is frustrated; his lawyer is frustrated. I am getting closer (I hope) we have divided assets and received settlement payment (mine all went to pay legal bills). The ongoing issues with me receiving payment from my ex continue to exist. I continue to fight as it is absolutely not in my nature to let anyone piss all over me without them taking responsibility for it.

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