adultery, affair, childrent, divorce, family, in-laws, separation, travel

The ex takes a vacation

My ex, for the first time since our separation, took our girls on vacation.  He took them back to Ontario only because his parents paid for their flights with air miles and he was allowed to bring the other woman.

It will be interesting to see how that goes as both my ex’s mom was cheated on by my father-in-law and my ex’s brother was cheated on by his ex wife.  I know the feelings that were relived by both of them when I experienced the same thing and how devastated they were that it was their own son/brother causing the pain.  The other woman will always be judged by them and seen for what she did.  They loved me and she took that relationship away from them. She is a reminder to them of a very ugly period in their own lives. She is that symbol and she is the cause for the destruction of their son/brother’s family that they loved as it was part of them too. She is only with my ex because she found no issue with fooling around with a married man or tearing apart his family and they are strongly against that and what she stands for and represents.  The ripple effect of her actions did not miss my ex’s family and I suspect none of them will be too thrilled to spend a week with her.  I know my kids are not happy about it.  But I know everyone will pretend.  This is the first time my ex’s brother, his wife and their son will see my girls or my ex since our separation.

They were flying out very early on Thursday morning.  As such, my ex canceled taking my younger daughter to dinner on Tuesday and instead decided he would just take her Wednesday night and have her sleep over afterwards. On Tuesday night at 10:30 p.m. my ex texted me the following:  “Please have the girls birth certificates ready for when I pick up (our younger daughter’s name) at 5:30. Thank you.”

Firstly, I have to say that I asked my ex to provide me with their flight details and he said that he didn’t have that information with him to give me at the time I asked.  He never did get me that information.  Anything I ask him for he refuses, denies, and avoids.  I still haven’t been reimbursed the $197 he owes me and I have incurred further expenses that he owes now too.  He is aware of this. It has been more than 3 weeks since I have provided him with receipts that he tried desperately to make sure I couldn’t get to him. Now he wants me to give him birth certificates.  I have no idea why these are needed? They aren’t needed. They are flying in Canada so all they have to have is government issued photo ID.  My older daughter has her driver’s license and my younger daughter has her passport.

So my response was : “You can have them in exchange for the cheque you owe me.  No cheque, no certificates.”

His response:  “You can’t hold me and the girls hostage (my name). I’ll have (his lawyer’s name) call (my lawyer’s name) in the morning.”

I told him about the other receipts I had for his reimbursement and that he could review them when he picks up our daughter and leave a cheque for those as well. These are all expenses he agreed to pay as per our mediation agreement.

His response:  “You can’t demand anything. I can pay items agreed upon in a reasonable time period not when you demand it. You can’t withhold giving me their travel documents. Legally, you have no grounds. I will get an order if necessary tomorrow and will ask for costs because of your unreasonable nature.”

I reminded him again of who has been unreasonable for 2 1/2 years and that 3 weeks to review receipts he agreed to pay in mediation especially when it is a binding, legal agreement is unreasonable. I also told him I just went through a big move, had so many boxes to unpack still that I didn’t even know if I could find birth certificates.  This is true.  I kept out my daughter and my passports and put those in my purse but all other documents are boxed up together in my filing case.  My ex told me I would hear from my lawyer in the morning. He added that his demand of a birth certificate is not unreasonable and what a joke if I wouldn’t provide them. He added, “And you wonder why people don’t want to help you??”

I responded, “And reimbursing me for expenses you owe is so unreasonable.”

He texted back, “That has nothing to do with your responsibility to provide their travel documents. I’m not wasting time discussing with you. You can pay your lawyer $300/hour to tell you to provide them.” Then he went on to say that I have his birth certificate and social insurance number, too so for me to get those ready to give him along with another cheque for my lawyer.  I don’t have any of his documents.  I gave him all of his stuff 2 1/2 years ago.

I started to think that he let his passport expire.  I know he never renewed my older daughter’s passport.  I gave her an application to get this done as well as her expired passport.  I followed up with her to do it and she kept saying her dad was going to do it and fast track it but it never got done.  I knew my older daughter had her driver’s license and that my ex had travelled since our separation so he had to have documentation to do this. It is very typical of him to leave this all so last minute to make any requests. He never had to worry about travel documents in the past, especially for our children.  I handled every detail with respect to our trips.  He only packed his clothes for himself.

The next morning he texted saying he contacted his lawyer and he will do whatever is necessary to force me to turn over what he is requesting and will seek costs against me. He adds, “Hmm for someone who beckons she’s moved on and that I exhibit controlling behaviour you should think again. This reeks of the opposite.  Enjoy paying your lawyer today. Hope it’s worth it.”

Then he texted my daughter telling her to make me give her all the birth certificates.  I assured her that she did not have to get involved in any of daddy’s requests to me and that daddy can deal with mommy directly.  I assured her that she had her passport and that she did not need any other travel documents. She said that she had to respond back to her dad.  I told her to tell him that she had her passport and that mommy said anything else he wanted he could talk to mommy about.

He picked her up at 6:30 p.m. I waited outside with her for the hour that he was late.  He did let her know he was running late. My daughter was worried his girlfriend might be with him.  I assured her I had no such worries and she needn’t worry about that. When he arrived, my ex and I didn’t even look at each other and we exchanged no words.  My daughter and I hugged and kissed goodbye while he loaded her suitcase into his vehicle. I wished her an excellent vacation and truly meant it.  I am missing her so much and it has only been 2 days.

I scheduled an appointment with my lawyer to find a solution to be able to disengage with my ex completely as I decided enough is enough for me.  It is clear my ex will never be able to deal with me directly regardless of any agreements in place.

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abuse, adultery, affair, divorce

Day 2 of the Move, Glitches and Goodness

A few days before my move, I had a huge pile of items at the end of my driveway to be picked up for donation.  My neighbour had requested to take and sell everything in the retail store where he volunteers for the SPCA (The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). They came around 4:00 p.m. on Tuesday, June 23, but said their truck was full and would come back to get the items in the evening.  They never returned.  I called my neighbour the next morning and he said his wife was on her way to my place.  I  helped her load her van and she said she would be back for the rest.  Her husband called me shortly after saying their warehouse was full and couldn’t take anything further.  I was left scrambling.  I called a couple of other organizations but it was too late to get a truck to come and pick up everything.

My 62-year old girlfriend came over to help with last minute items.  She normally drives a tiny antique vehicle but foresight had her drive her pick up truck instead and she brought a flat dolly. We decided to work for a couple of hours around my house until my daughter got home from school.  Then we loaded her truck full to take to the Salvation Army. They informed us they didn’t accept donations past 4:00 p.m. They did us a favour and took some things but it was a common complaint that they didn’t have enough storage for all the donated items and were spending too much money to dump what didn’t sell.  We dropped other items in some donation boxes along the way but returned to my home with still a lot of things plus what remained at the foot of my driveway.  Furniture and a large commercial steel clothing rack included.

Another neighbour, who came by several times to see if I had found my 6-man tent to sell, came by again.  I told Kevin that if he would take everything at the end of my driveway away in his truck I would go into my garage right now and find the tent and he could have it for free.  He agreed! I found the tent and helped him load everything into his truck. It was a huge job and I was so grateful.  It was also a wasted day pulling me away from what I had planned and I started to panic as I had the movers coming the next morning.

The moving company was supposed to come to my place in advance to estimate the time, manpower required, vehicles needed and cost to move me.  They cancelled twice and called the day before to just say they would arrive at 8:30 for the move.  They had estimated 5 hours.  2 young guys showed up with a small trailer.

Complicating the move was my new place.  It had 23 stairs to climb to enter through the front.  The back entrance had a 9% grade climb and another 6 steps up with railings on both sides leading to a back deck.  There was also a heat wave.

My new landlord feared the deck was going to collapse with the weight of all the boxes and furniture the movers placed on it.

Towards the end of the first day the owner came with 2 more men to help but it became apparent at the end of Day 1 that my move was going to continue into the next day.  The problem was that this is the busiest move time of the year and their movers and trailers were already booked.

The movers didn’t show up until noon the next day and the owner came back with them.  The goal was just to get my stuff out of the house before 5:00 p.m., closing time.  My girlfriend arrived to help with her truck and horse trailer and we started to pile things in ourselves.  We had initially planned to take these items to consignment and auction but with the heat of the day and now the need to just move everything off the property I purchased a storage locker.  My girlfriends took everything to the storage locker but misread the lettering on the building.  They pulled up to the wrong building and unloaded everything before realizing they were in the wrong location.  They had to reload the trailer, move to the correct location and then unload again putting everything in the storage locker. My movers went to help them.

Two dance moms and 2 of my neighbour friends showed up to help move my stuff out and to clean up each room as the items left.  One of the dance moms called her dad to come over with his pick up truck to haul away all the garbage.  He loves red wine and I had just put 12 bottles that my ex had left behind into recycle liquor bags that had the bottle slots in them.  I handed them over to him as a thank you.  He said it was too generous, more than enough payment, and he was very happy to help me.

My friends emptied the contents of my fridge (one friend took everything over and put it in my new fridge). I let everyone take whatever they wanted in the way of food, alcohol, and contents.

My lawyer contacted me to say that the funds from the buyers hadn’t been transferred in time to make the payout of our mortgage to the bank so now we were going to incur 3 days of interest.

Even though the new owners told me directly they weren’t moving in the day of the close but instead were staying at a hotel and moving in the next morning, they still showed with their realtor and wanted to walk through the house. My realtor confirmed they had made other arrangements but that they were still going to come by even though she gave them a heads up that we were not moved out yet. Only their realtor walked through. I was in tears and she put her arm around me saying these things happen.

At 8:30 p.m. after the movers took the last load that would fit in their trailer, I just wanted to go and see my daughter dressed up for her grad dinner.  I knew a bus was picking them up at 11:00 p.m. to take them to a surprise location for the rest of their party.  I drove to her school where the dinner was being catered.  I hadn’t showered. My hair was in a half bun, half pony tail falling out in places and my clothes were sweaty, dirty and wet after I just dumped a cleaning bucket in the sink but most of the water fell on me instead.

I declined to attend the dinner. I wouldn’t have been able to make it anyway with the move continuing past our close time but my daughter had been quite rude, mean and disrespectful to me.  I heard her dad in everything she said.  I am at the stage in my life now that I do not allow anyone to treat me in this manner. It took counselors, lawyers, friends, family and even our arbitrator to point out to me that I was an abused woman and that my ex had and continues to treat me in an abusive manner that is not acceptable.  When I heard my daughter parrot her father in how he speaks to me and the content of her words to me, I recognized it immediately and said, “No, that is not okay.” 

My daughter could have apologized after knowing my position but she did not chose to do this. I still wanted to see her and wish her well. I found her and took a few photos. My ex had already left to take my younger daughter back to our house. He had picked her up to go to the grad dinner and he took the cheating co-worker to our daughter’s grad when I let him know I would not be attending.  He told me he was going to return the ticket for a refund.  He is still trying to cover up his affair and make like it isn’t continuing on. My younger daughter did tell me that she hit the adulteress in the face with a tree branch that she had pulled and let swing back while they were at my daughter’s grad photo session.

I returned back to the house that still had some boxes for the movers to take. Everything was in the garage so I was now able to ensure the whole house was clean before leaving. My younger daughter and I stayed until 12:45 a.m. We packed up the car and took the pets to our new home. It had been a very stressful 2 days for them being placed in a bedroom in our suite during the move. After I dropped off my daughter and the pets I returned for another load of items (pet items, cleaning products, etc.) By the time I got back with my last load the movers were at my new place setting up our beds. They left at 2:45 a.m. I went to bed at 3:00 a.m.

I woke up at 4:41 a.m. and was back at my old place by 5:00 a.m. I wanted to sweep out the garage and I had bags of garbage to load and stuff into my car. I drove to a garbage dump that I didn’t even know existed until the day before. It is very close to my house. It was 6:00 a.m. There was a guy walking outside the facility and when I saw the recycling sign I asked him if they only took recycle items. He said they took everything. I asked when it opened and he said, “8:00 a.m.” I sighed and said I guess I would come back at 8. It was hot and I had garbage containing food, cat litter, dog poop that I had just picked up from the yard, etc. Turns out he was the owner and he offered to open 2 hours early just so I could dump everything! I was so grateful. I told him my story when I went to pay and he was so kind. He said, “I wondered why a pretty girl in a sports car packed to the gills with garbage was looking for a dump at this hour in the morning.” I knew I looked anything but pretty!!!!!!

I was so stiff and sore. I was sunburned. I had blisters, splinters, callouses, cuts and bruises all over me. I had been operating on 2 -3 hours max of sleep every night for a week. I was emotionally drained too. Phase One was done though. I was out of my old house and so glad to have it out of my life. It held nothing for me any longer. I was right to hold onto it for as long as I did for the sake of my girls and we were rewarded with getting almost our full asking price as soon as it was listed but it became just another area where my ex had control over my life. It was just a house, not the home and memories I had once created there, and I was completely done with it.

My ex was happy to see me struggle through the move and to not lift a finger to help. I let him know we were going to be in breach of the contract and his text back to me was that it wasn’t his issue. He didn’t care that he left everything of his behind except for what he came back for when he initially left–golf clubs, hockey bag, his hockey card binder with what he said before had about $10,000 worth of cards in it, and a brand new, $280 bike rack with trailer hitch, he said he gave to his boss (I still had the receipt and could have returned it). His goal was to bury me under as much burden as he could.

But it backfired. It made me stronger. It confirmed that I can do anything on my own with God’s help. It confirmed that I have endless support from so many different people in my life including strangers (that is how God works to show you who is really in control). It confirmed that my life is way better off with my ex out of it. He did as little as possible to help me when he was in my life and even though the house closing was his legal obligation too and he had so much of his own stuff to move from the property and should have been responsible for moving family items that neither of us wanted or had room in our new places for as well but he was a no-show on every level. He even tried to sabotage my efforts and take the girls out to a movie instead of them helping me just 2 days before the move date.

I am so built up and freer than I have been in a very long time. My ex is becoming dust on the road of life that is my journey. This was just one stop along of the way that I won’t be returning to again.

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adultery, divorce, infidelity

Frustration!

I should be sleeping. But instead I am fuming over my ex’s need to fight, control, and to drag our dispute unnecessarily on and on wasting time, money and energy. For what? What is his pay off? It is interesting that his go to line to me is, “Move on.” Yet it is the one thing he simply can’t do.

I spent 2 1/2 hours with my lawyer today at $350/hour. She is equally frustrated with my ex’s refusal to follow through on any of our mediated agreements and it sounds like my ex’s lawyer is experiencing the same frustration with him. Bottom line: My ex doesn’t want to pay any money.

This is one of those cases that should have gone to court. My ex’s personality is not one of reason, fairness, justice or acceptance of responsibility. This should have been clear with the failed Collaborative process but I made the mistake of believing he really did want to put an end to this.

He knows a mistake was made in his favour saving him $35,000 in our mediated agreement. So you would think that he would very quickly ensure that all of the minor expenses he agreed to pay in mediation were handled to show he is following the agreement as set out to make it harder for me to repudiate it in court. But instead, he is fighting more and digging his heels in more.

He agreed to pay 50% of the pet expenses in mediation. He never has. He tried to fight the food expenses for the pets as though it were unreasonable for me to feed them. No vet bills, no boarding bills (these were agreed to in mediation as joint expenses) but all I incurred and submitted to him were their regular food bills and he said, “No.” Now his lawyer says he will pay the food bills but not after the house sale goes through on June 26. My lawyer lost it. She wanted to know then if I was supposed to euthanize the pets when the house sells.

He also agreed to pay 50% of anything the realtor wanted us to do to ready the house for sale. He did nothing that was required. When I told him some of the things that needed to be done and I needed help with he said in his texts to me on April 15, “Figure it out” and “Do what you have to do.” I did. Everything was itemized to him and now he is fighting most bills saying that I live in the house, it was regular maintenance, my responsibility. Yet, our house sold in 4 days because of everything I did. He was ready to accept $5000 less for the house yet he is fighting me on a gardening expense of $319. The realtor commented immediately on how great of a curb appeal difference she saw on just the first 4 hours of the gardener’s time. 3 large gardens at the front and 1 at the back were edged, weeded, bushes trimmed and composting all taken away with a dumping fee for that. Plus we have this horrible invasive weed known as horse tail that is brutal to pull out and very time consuming. He only has to pay 50%. The equivalent of 6 hours of hard work; around $150. He makes that in an hour. Plus, I was doing gardening as well to ensure we met the time crunch for listing yet I never charged him for my time.

I am getting sleepy now. Sorry for venting but I needed the release. So much more. So boring. Same old, same old. I am hoping we can just send these issues back to the mediator for an arbitration ruling as she wears both hats. We agreed in mediation but if any dispute arises over the agreement it should be able to be referred back to her and become binding arbitration on her decision. Otherwise, my lawyer is ready to go to court. It may save me thousands in the long run because my ex just can’t let go.

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