affairs, blogging, cheating, children, divorce, God, Identifying the other woman, Outing

The Purpose of My Blog

I started this blog in May 2013, 2 months after discovering that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker.

Reading their sexually explicit messages, reading them tell each other how much they couldn’t wait to be together and the future plans they were making, reading them telling each other “I love you”, reading about the things they had been doing together and piecing that into the way my husband was living his life with me and our children at the same time sends a lump to my throat even today as I think about it.

As if it wasn’t bad enough for me to have all of this information imprinted in my brain, it was imprinted in my 15-year old daughter’s brain as well. On top of my own grief I had a very angry teenager who would never see her dad the same way again.  I also had a 10-year old daughter who I was trying to protect from the bluntness of her angry, older sister; from the cold detachment of her father; and from my sadness for what was lost as well as my new fear for our future.

It was like a death.  Firstly, I knew it was permanent. What my children and I had was gone forever.  I knew I could never be with this man again. Secondly, when it happened, everyone was there for me and my children–visiting in person, travelling far to see us, sending or dropping off cards, letters, flowers, food; emails, phone calls, acts of service, etc. I knew how much I was loved by so many people. I felt strong, courageous and I was confident in my decision to end the marriage.  I was at peace, trusted in God’s plan and was hopeful for the future.

But like a death, everyone else goes on with their life and I was left with having to handle the grieving process in all of its stages; not just for me but for my children. I was left with still being responsible for taking care of bill payments, taking my kids to all of their activities and trying to find a way they could to do what they loved and to continue to keep that part of their life unchanged, all of the chores and maintenance (inside and out) that go along with 2 kids, 3 pets and a large home. I was literally a single parent with no support on any level.  Both my kids had a lot of difficulties but my older daughter suffered the most.

I actually only had 4 friends who had been divorced. Two involved infidelity. I have gained many more friends since who have undergone similar losses just through being open about our lives, but at the time I started my blog I felt very alone and very overwhelmed. The blog was just a way for me to journal.  I am a scrapbooker and I felt this was a life changing event that I needed to document. I was vulnerable, real, honest and writing from my heart. Very sad and difficult things were coming to light and the blog was a way for me to sort out my thoughts and to try and make sense of them.  I was reporting my observations and trying to understand my ex’s behaviour.

Although I was writing just for me, I soon realized that other people going through similar situations were reading my blog. Their offers of encouragement and support for me and my kids was so appreciated and helped me to keep moving forward. I was able to read other people’s experiences including that of trying to gain some insight from those who cheat. I hated that I was part of this community but I was so grateful for its existence. I was 100% authentic in everything that I shared and found that the more real and vulnerable I was with my thoughts, emotions and my situation that the more I benefited and the more I benefited others.

If you have never been betrayed by the person you love most and who you think loves you the most in the world, you will never understand the gut-wrenching feelings that exist when your heart is torn out.  Tears fill my eyes as I write and remember. I lost everything. I allowed our little family of 4 to be uprooted from our huge pool of friendships, our family and our church. Our entire support system was gone when we moved across the country. We knew nobody. We moved only so my husband could pursue his career aspirations. All I wanted was for him to be happy and for him to know that I would do anything for him and go anywhere with him .  I trusted that he loved me and our girls more than anything in the world.  I prayed specifically about our situation, sought advice and I have no regrets about the decision. I thought the experience actually knit us closer together.

I know people think it always takes 2 people for a marriage to disintegrate. In this case, it took 3 people. My husband never made me aware that he was unhappy. We rarely fought. We came together every evening as a family and spent weekends together doing family things. We always put our family first. My girlfriend just told me on the weekend that she had been jealous of my marriage. She said that we did so much together, had so much to talk about together and enjoyed spending time together. We never had marriage counseling because there didn’t seem to be anything seriously wrong. We were intimate together right up until 2 weeks before I discovered his sexting and the photos the other woman sent to him of herself. I was completely blindsided. We had been together 23 years and none of this made sense to me. I only felt my husband’s distance in October 2012 when he let me down in terrible ways and was inexplicably cruel.  He would apologize, we would make up, and then it would start again.

My post-separation experience was getting worse instead of stabilizing or resolving. I thought that my husband having had  the affair was the worst thing he could do to me and my kids but I was wrong.  He was being a selfish, neglectful father and a punishing ex-husband who was resisting efforts to reach a fair separation agreement. His obstinance continues.

In the past 28 months I have published 70 posts. I am hardly obsessed with talking about my situation. Many bloggers post daily or more. There were months I didn’t post at all.  As things happened that I felt were important in my journey, I reflected or reported in my blog. The other woman is part of my journey. I understand why she isn’t happy I posted her identity. Nobody wants to be exposed for shameful behaviour.  For me, it was important that I did.

I think by the entries I have published outlining the actions of my ex during this entire process and the comments  my ex recently made on my blog (under user name Happy) confirm that there is no reason that I would have any good will to extend to him. For my ex to then go to the extent that he did to try and bully me, shame me, harass me and lie about me all in the name of doing what is right for my children, only hardens my heart more against him. He came to my site to defend himself and the other woman and to cause chaos and attack anyone might have a differing opinion.

Why would I adhere to the request of unknown user names that were degrading and mocking me and pretending to be me and pretending to be friends supporting me? Lies and Deceit got us here in the first place. I don’t want anything to do with that type of behaviour and the people who carry it out.

The same is true for the other woman. If she had children, I never would have published that post. She certainly didn’t have my kids’ best interest in mind when she was pursuing their father and instrumental in the destruction of their family. To this day, she does not treat my children equally or put their needs above her own.  Perhaps if instead she came to me with some semblance of humility, acknowledging what she did and the hurt and the damage she caused me and my girls, and then sharing how me posting the information that I did has hurt her, I might have shown some compassion and deleted at least some part of it. Instead, she thinks by blaming me and putting me down that I will bow down to her. I don’t owe her anything. Yet, she feels justified in trying to hurt and damage me more?

I allowed them their say on my blog to be fair and for people who have been following since the beginning to understand and experience a little of what I have had to taste during this entire process. it is one thing to read about it from me but to experience it first hand makes the picture clearer. It is all part of showing the ugliness of divorce. This is my story and my experience. It is ugly. We were good people who I thought loved each other very much and now we don’t. I will leave up their comments. I didn’t edited any of them. But now I take back control and will delete any of their comments going forward.

There are so many lessons in real life underscoring the reasons to not cheat.  The possibility of getting caught may be part of the thrill but you never looked at the consequences of what could happen if you did get caught. You screwed around with my life and the life of my kids and at the same time you thought it was fun to screw around with my husband. Now you are exposed. I hope by me shining it under a light it may be a reminder to you to find your thrills in places that don’t ruin lives. If your life is ruined now too, as a result of my post, consider it your own doing. I never invited you into my life. You opened that door all on your own.

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74 thoughts on “The Purpose of My Blog

  1. Sally says:

    Once again, you choose you and not the well being of the children so you can have your say, whether it be right or wrong. Your delusional and your anger and bitterness continues to speak loud and clear through your most recent post. You can delete the comments all you want. We aren’t going away and will continue to visit you.

    When will you finally get this isn’t about you! It’s about your children and what you’re doing to them by subjecting them to this. Why can’t you see the harm you are doing. You chose to involve your then 15yr old daughter. You chose to say the things to them that you have. You chose to post a letter your daughter wrote at the time in confidence to her father when she was hurt. Did you ask her permission? Do you think she’d be proud of what you’ve posted now?

    Let me share something that you don’t have access too, that the same daughter wrote for your ex just a few short months ago.

    The names have been removed because I believe it’s important to protect the innocent.

    Happy father’s day Dad! Thank you for being the best dad that I could ask for. I’m so grateful to have a dad that is supportive of me and who is always there for me. Thank you for the little things that you do like squishing the spiders in the house, for going to get sushi with me even when you’re bored of it, for always making time for ——– and I, and so much more. —— and I are so lucky to have you. Hope you have a wonderful day, I love you!

    Get your head out of your ass and remove the identifying information. Blog all you want no one cares. This isn’t about the other woman, it’s for the sake of your children!!!!!!!

    • If the cheats don’t like the consequences of cheating then they shouldn’t have cheated in the first place. Do you tell a victim of any other attack they have to pretend it didn’t happen “for the sake of the children”? No, the responsibility for the effects on the children lie with those who chose to cheat, lie, gaslight and abuse.

      • Sally says:

        Necrophilia is back in the house!!

        Your comments actually amuse me, because it also speaks to you and if you’re a parent, I wonder what kind of a parent you are. Who said it didn’t happen? Who is trying to deny anything? Who is trying to pretend anything? The only thing that has been asked, is keep this anonymous for THE CHILDREN. What is it the blogger and people like you don’t get. The ex and the slut don’t give a shit what is written about them or anyone else. Just protect it so the kids don’t see this kind of stuff.

        I suppose you all are so wrapped up in your own heads that you can’t see the forest for the trees. But I encourage you, the blogger, or anyone else that supports it, to take a look into those woods……there’s children playing and they can see this.

      • Happy says:

        Omg you’re an idiot. Do you think because the father left the mother that the mother should then purposely harm her children and destroy her relationship with them? Apparently yes in your bizarre and freaky little world. 🙂

      • Sally says:

        Nephila

        I must say, you may be one of the stupidest people to have ever commented on this blog, and believe me that’s saying a lot.

        I can see why you were cheated on, because having a relationship with you would be akin to having a relationship with a bag of rocks.

        So you think because the “cheaters” are responsible for the break up of the family, that it’s ok to drag the kids further into the mud? That it should continue years later with no care for them? That there should be no protection by the mother, who has control of this blog, to protect them from further harm? What is it that you, and others on here, don’t understand about that very simple concept?

        How fucking dumb are you?

        The priority should always be the children. Not you and crying your tales of woe about how shitty a hand life has dealt you.

      • Perfectly sums you up. Thank you. I love it when people show who they really are, in this case all have to let cheats off the hook because supposedly it protects children. It doesn’t. The best protection for children is to see what cheats are like and learn to judge them lest they end up like that themselves. Cheats insult others and project. Cheats protect sluts. Honest people hold cheats and sluts to account. Naming your whore doesn’t harm the children at all. It protects them from thinking she’s a decent person. It protects them from a terrible role model. Your line of comments do that pretty well too. I hope they do read them one day.

      • Happy says:

        Nephilia..its unfortunate you don’t have the capacity to understand. In this case the “whore” and the children have a very good relationship. The children both know their mother has serious mental problems.

      • Alex says:

        All these folks trying to protect the children… From what? I’m not gonna try to figure out who these kids are and be all “hey. Your moms pretty upset and your dad really loves the new gal. Rad. I’m terribly dangerous and your my target because your life is already full of weird” … What’s the paper tiger the commenters are worried about? They know everything, so it doesn’t protect them from information. The idea that people who read blogs are dying to track down other folks, for whatever reason… I don’t get it.

  2. Happy says:

    Hi my name is bonbon. I am perfect and previously was in a perfect loving marriage that had no problems whatsoever. Suddenly one day an evil witch put a spell on my husband and he didn’t love me anymore! We had sex the prior month so I know that he did love me because everyone knows that sex is proof of love.

    • Happy says:

      Because my marriage ended strictly because of the actions of the evil witch, she must be punished. The marriage breakdown had absolutely nothing to do with the relationship between my husband and myself, which was perfect. My husband and I have no responsibility for the end of that relationship, and while he was a fantastic human being previously, the evil witch has turned him into a sociopath!

      • The person cheated on certainly has no responsibility for your cheating. And no slut you cheat with is worth a dime by definition if she would sleep with a married man. It’s really very clear and simple. And yes she deserves every consequence of her actions. What kind of woman sleeps with a married man? Not a nice one. What kind of man cheats? A pretty despicable one. Some of us have husbands or wives who are genuinely remorseful and have striven to be good people since but it doesn’t change that they were not when they cheated. No, your slut did not turn you into a cheat, you obviously had that in you already. But both of you show who you really are with this nonsense.

        Why should she be protected this woman who was happy to cheat with a married man and rip a child’s family apart? What’s her special privilege that she shouldn’t be judged for that?

      • Happy says:

        Nephilia, it’s as if you don’t actually read what was written..and don’t think before you write something. ????? Wtf are you talking about?????

  3. You are a very strong woman. And we all have a purpose for our blogging and I know that it has definitely helped me with my pain through the journey. A journey that I never wanted, but a journey that I face head on, chin up, every day. Even on those days when I feel like dying. And regardless of what’s going on, on your blog right now, just continue to be strong and keep your head up.

    • Sally says:

      Phoenix, no one is disputing she’s not a strong woman or doesn’t have a right to voice her opinions on her blog. All we’re asking is for the sake of her children, their identity, and not being subjected to reading what’s on the blog, remove the photo’s, names, places of employment so that it truly is anonymous. No one is trying to deny her that right. Just do it smartly, with the children’s well being taken into consideration.

      I think you and others would be better off supporting the wellbeing of the children, rather than cheerleading blogging at any cost.

  4. Sally says:

    I find it interesting this post includes “God” in the title. Do you the blogger, or anyone else out there who is a follower, think that this forum and the way it’s been run is any way shape or form appropriate? Do you think God would look at this and say. Hey I’m proud of what she’s doing? You can tell she’s a woman of God by what she writes and how she protects her children?

    If you think so, then I believe you are much closer to the dark side than your profess.

      • Wow she vandalised the whore’s car? And you think “poor whore did didn’t deserve it?” Oh my. SWB just make sure you stick within the law because these people are totally not worth *you* getting into trouble for something no matter how totally justified. But hey if you did ruin her car and get away with it woo hoo! Tart deserves worse, frankly.

      • You’re so welcome. Clearly not very worldly if they think “tart” is old fashioned, not where I come from. Even Dylan Moran says “tart” 🙂 Are they Americans? Well, whatever. I’m gratified at their abuse of me, it proves who they are very nicely. Have a laugh at their expense, you deserve it.

    • Sally says:

      Nephila….what can I say other you’re ignorant. Like back woods, redneck kind of ignorance. You really should stick to your own blog and continue to relive how the world has done you wrong.

  5. Sally says:

    The blogger states

    “I think by the entries I have published outlining the actions of my ex during this entire process and the comments my ex recently made on my blog (under user name Happy) confirm that there is no reason that I would have any good will to extend to him. For my ex to then go to the extent that he did to try and bully me, shame me, harass me and lie about me all in the name of doing what is right for my children, only hardens my heart more against him. He came to my site to defend himself and the other woman and to cause chaos and attack anyone might have a differing opinion.”

    So what you’re saying is the alleged ex(Happy), was trying to shame, bully, tell lies about you? Really? What have you done that is different? You started this blog with those very intentions and that’s what you’ve been doing for over two years. Somehow you’re allowed to carry on in this manner with no consequence, however they have consequences? Hmmm interesting thought process you have there.

    You also state that “he” came to this site to defend himself and the other woman. Really? Where do you see that? I haven’t read a single comment where anyone has tried to defend their actions? I see they seem to be trying to get you to see the light of day and protect the children, but you portray this as it’s all about you? Familiar theme going on here.

    • Salem says:

      Sally, telling the truth about a cheater isn’t criminal! This blogger has every right to tell her story and its a shame that trolls call her crazy and “Happy” is just condescending by referring to her as Bon Bon! Then spouting some new age sounding crap about happiness and cracked foundations and flowers! What a crack pot! What is this crack pot trying to accomplish? He is pissed cause he has lost his power to control the whole narrative and her! She exposed him for the coward he is and it makes him unhappy! Tough! Whoever his new victim…… ER, excuse me, girlfriend is had better take note! If the Twu Wuv dies then she won’t be allowed to tell anyone what a jerk he really is! He’ll go scorched earth on her too! He’s a loser and every word he posts proves it! Why are you backing this miserable fool anyways?

  6. Sally says:

    You know what….I’d like to here from Steve on all of this. Where is Steve and what does he think of his girlfriend of a year, obsessing so much over her ex and the slut? How does that make you feel Steve? Don’t you think her focus should be you, and your relationship and moving that forward? Integrating your children with her children. Looking to the future together?

    Steve how would you feel if your wife, she’s not your ex yet let’s be honest, was writing about you in this manner and exposing your two daughters to these kinds of rants? Would you be Ok with this?

  7. Ferry says:

    I have gone through and read all the blog posts over the last couple of days. I found your blog very entertaining and well written.
    The nasty comments you are now receiving are really juvenile. Are you sure that it is your ex and his affair partner? It seems like kids.

    • Thank you. Yes, they are my ex, the other woman and they had some other cohorts at one point acting as my friends and then also acting like supporters of the comments of my ex, all under several different user names. Who knew that their relationship is so wrapped up in me!

      • Happy says:

        Haha so funny…you just make yourself sound crazier and crazier to the people who actually know you and have posted. The anonymous strangers from the backwoods of kentucky might believe you but everyone else here knows what a total sham you are! 🙂

  8. Clearly, you made the right decision to get out of this marriage. Your ex proves it each and every time he makes a comment. Stay strong, and stay above engaging in his toxic and child-like behavior.

  9. Happy says:

    Tart: 1, an open pastry with filling. 2. A woman who wears the type of clothes and makeup that attract sexual attention. 3. A female prostitute. Nephilia, which is the relevant definition here? Omg I hope it’s the pastry!

  10. TheClip says:

    Omg Sally and Happy …. You guys really get a hard on being on yr ex wifes site. Its kinda funny in a sad pitiful way. Is there not something on TV? You guys do try to suck all the air outa the room. All about you guys huh?
    Why do u care what she says? If your love is so real and so strong and so right… Barf… Excuse me… So everything that your previous marriage was not … Why the hell are you wasting time on this blog? Cause you need your strokes. Ya gotta get in on the ride. And the tag team effort is hilarious.’ Right Sally? .. You got it Bonbon!! I got yr back! We will show that bitch… We will prove that she is bat shit crazy… See thats why you had to leave her Bonbon… She is batshit crazy. ‘
    Psssst… Sally and Happy your crazy is showing!

  11. TheClip says:

    Hey Salem… Ya know what makes me laugh…. Beside the fact that Happy and Sally have no new material… his ex wife quotes a great poem…. So Happy has to,go out and goggle a poem to one up her….its like frickin highschool. Nothing original.
    Oh…his choice of quotes…. See the way I look at it if he was truely becomeing something else and leaving his ex wife behind … Then he wouldnt be so preoccupied with her blog. Ya know? When you have moved on( as he claims he has) younreally dont care what other people think. But this fuck witt is the quintessential Narc who needs that constant afirmation. Sally must be slacking on Blow,jobs.

  12. Sally says:

    Salem and theclip…do you really need to pretend to be different people? We know you’re the same retard who spends her night using a vibrator wishing her ex would come back to her. Have fun responding to this in your dual personality.

  13. Alex says:

    You can conspiracy theorize all you want, but it’s terrible that you’re an adult using the R word as a bullying word. People who are disabled don’t deserve to have their medical diagnosis (mental or physical retardation) used as a slang word for someone who is unworthy in your eyes. Pick a different word. You don’t like the writer, that’s fine. You don’t need to be a prejudiced person on top of that. For shame.

    • Sally says:

      Alex…I like you. You seem like a nice person. But there have been far worse things said on this blog about everyone. So grow up or leave the blog.

      • Alex says:

        I am a grown up. Thats why I can identify that the act of hijacking the medical term for a disadvantaged group for name calling purposes is plebeian and infantile. You’re right, worse things have been said (mainly in the comments, but sometimes in the blog) and you and yours are essentially asking the same courtesy- pick a different word. For instance, instead of “homewrecker” someone could say … Girlfriend. The disassembling of the family unit implied by homewrecker is derogatory, you’re absolutely right. And reciprocally, the commenters who are so offended by this should also be willing to refrain from using terms like crazy, and delusional in a negative form towards the blogger. I’m pretty sure there’s even worse but I can’t be bothered to look through the history and find all the nasty names. I haven’t name called that I remember, so I will say the same thing- maybe everyone should pick better words. But don’t tell me to leave. This isn’t your space and I am being perfectly pleasant, which is more than I can say for most. I don’t apologize for telling people to not tear down the disadvantaged (again, I’m talking people with disabilities). Bigotry, prejudice, it all starts and ends with an internal choice.

      • Happy says:

        It sure would be great if everyone was nice, polite, there was no name-calling, people accepted responsibility for themselves, everyone could forgive. Move forward. Why can’t we all get along? Omg that would be so wonderful 🙂

      • Sally says:

        You make a good point Alex and I do apologize for the use of the R word.

        You seem like the only person on this blog that has any sensibilities.

      • Happy says:

        Oh Alex, all I can say is that you really have no idea. If you knew the people and the situation you would think differently.

  14. Alex says:

    I am close with plenty of disordered people. Doesn’t mean I have to be one of them. You too could just not contribute to the crazy.

  15. I started a blog writing about the experiences of people deeply hurt by betrayal of the one person they trusted the most. You might like to read some of it. The site is marriagetroublesite.com

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