affairs, divorce

Happy Valentine’s Day!

While my husband was having an affair he brought me a dozen, red, long-stemmed roses and gave me a beautiful card for Valentine’s Day. He brought both of our daughters a rose as well. I had little gifts and cards for our girls from both of us. I made dinner for him and the kids and we had a lovely family meal although I felt that he wasn’t acting particular grateful or appreciative of my effort or fond of what I made. I baked a special dish I had never made before, horse radish encrusted salmon, that we always ordered from a restaurant we used to eat at together, Blues Bayou Café. We had wine. I bought a special decadent dessert for us all to enjoy. I gave him a sexy card and some fun flavoured lubricants. We enjoyed an intimate night in the bedroom afterwards.

Who knew he was buying his girlfriend a Valentine’s Day card at the same time he was buying me one. He bought her jewellery. Three days following Valentine’s Day we went to an art showing where our oldest daughter’s art work was being displayed. He met us there, left us there, and took his girlfriend out for dinner, wining and dining her with his gifts. He came home to us afterwards.

I found our anniversary card from 5 months before Valentine’s Day. He wrote in it: “Happy 18th wedding anniversary. Every year just keeps getting better and better.” He was in an affair within 3 months of writing that card. I shared that with him after discovering the affair and asked him why he said that when he was now telling people he hadn’t been happy for 8 years. He said, “You can only hope.”

So many falsehoods I’d later discover.

This Valentine’s Day, 2015, for me involves dinner with friends at a new restaurant. Drinks and a fun, getting to know you, card game with 2 other couples and my date, before dinner. Then the hot tub and cheesecake after dinner at one of the couple’s home.

Prior to the evening, I am going to be showing love to me. After having been so mistreated I am finding it important to take the time to do things that give me pleasure. Not the hedonistic, selfish kind of pleasure, but something that lets me know I care for and love me. If I wanted roses, I’d buy them for myself. If I wanted jewellery, I’d buy my own. None of that is important to me. Instead, I will be spending time doing what I love, eating foods I enjoy and treating myself to pampering.

All I can do is give love. I can’t control other people’s response back. I don’t know their motives, whether they are pretending or their true feelings. That is their issue, not mine. It is hurtful to feel that my husband didn’t want my love. What I think was more the problem was that he wanted my love, used my love, wanted more of my love but it was never enough. I could never give enough; I could never do enough; I could never be enough. He sought love and attention from any where else he could get it (as I discovered was more than just the affair with Janice) and in order to get that love he would be the person he needed to be. A double life for sure. That is the person I was not prepared to be married to any longer. That is the type of person I knew clearly I could never trust again.

It is nice to be shown love in special ways on February 14 by those who are closest to us and to get surprises from unexpected sources of love, too, but let’s remember to practice self-love. Let’s meet our own needs and reward and treat our self just for being instead of waiting for someone else to meet those needs for us. We are worthy. When I make myself feel great, I am much more mindful of how others make me feel and more likely to question whether they are people I really want in my life.

The Law of Attraction supports that what we put out into the universe comes back to us. Loving ourselves; loving others; is a great place to start. I am wishing for the feeling of love that one might want expressed to them on Valentine’s Day to be returned back to them every day of the year.

Standard
affairs, Betrayal, cheating, control, domestic abuse, God

Authentic Love

Prior to Katy Perry singing “By the Grace of God” at the 2015 Grammy Awards tonight, Brooke Axtell made a speech in reference to surviving domestic violence. This is an excerpt from what she shared:

“Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse. If you are in a relationship with someone who does not honour and respect you I want you to know that you are worthy of love. Please reach out for help. Your voice will save you. Let it extend into the night; part the darkness. Let it set you free to know who you truly are: valuable, beautiful, loved.”

I didn’t even know I was in an abusive relationship. It was verbal, mental and emotional torture. I know that I felt devalued and unloved many times but it has taken friends and professionals and the distance of separation to make it clear. I had friends say that I would laugh things off that were so mean, degrading and not funny at all and that their husbands would never say or do things like mine did.

Some of the things he has texted me recently are as follows:

‘You are sad and pathetic; you can’t move on and look pathetic for it; your older daughter already sees how pathetic you are and your younger one is not far off; even your friends are falling by the wayside; you’re an idiot; #crazylady; hypocrite; figure it out tubby; what a fat cunt you are; fuck you; spoiled bitch; fuck you and figure it out; mom of the year; take a look in the mirror Broom Hilda; you ain’t what its all cracked up to be; ole miss big mouth forgets how hypocritical she sounds; hey rockstar, learn how to use your phone; you’re such an awful example of not only a mother but a person; if anything happens to (our daughter) it will be all your fault; and how dumb are you; it’s no wonder the kids are damaged; you really have some mental issues; it’s no wonder the kid hates your guts; go put another cookie in your mouth; Waaaaaa! Waaaaaa! Waaaaaaaa!; keep your opinions to yourself because I don’t want or need to hear them. That’s why we’re divorcing…so I don’t have to hear them any longer; angry ex-wife; get the story straight before you beak off; my truth is fuck off; get the facts and shut the fuck up; you are a vindictive money grabbing angry sad sack of a being; you’re a joke; what a two-faced hypocrite you are; you’re delusional; don’t put your big nose in our daughter’s business; you aspire to do nothing with your life; the smartest thing I ever did was leaving you.”

I haven’t gone back and looked at emails but I remember him calling me a “waste of skin”, telling me I need to do something with my appearance, too bad I let myself go; have another slice of cheesecake; I needed to wear makeup; my life has no purpose; calling me Einstein, etc.

I know I started to push back in the months before I found out about the affair when he said my food “tastes like shit” in front of the kids.

There was no authentic love from my husband towards me. However, I have made the decision that I will not be shamed, silenced and abused by him any more. I told him by text on January 21, 2015, after a harassing phone call that had no purpose other than to abuse, that if he continues to call or text me I will get a restraining order against him. His response: “Hahaha”. I haven’t had any phone calls or texts since.

I am worthy of love. I am lovable. I am loved by God and see him working in my life showing me his love every day. I am loved by many, many people who show me love with their actions, words, gifts, service and affection every single day. I have tons of friends and I am a very good friend. I have value and I am beautiful inside and out. I know who I truly am. Authentic love does exist in my life; just not from my ex.

Standard
affairs, Betrayal, cheating, children, family, father/daughter, infidelity, loss, marriage breakdown, parenting, relationships, separation, single parent

The ex discovers I am dating

I’ve just taken out identifying names but here is a cut and paste from the email I received from my ex on January 20, 2015:

“I am concerned about (our older daughter who lives with my ex). But I’m also concerned about (our younger daughter who lives with me). You may be enthralled that someone is paying attention to you, but don’t forget your obligations to protect your daughters. Moving in with a guy you know nothing about after a few months is ridiculous. It again goes to show the lack of good judgment exhibited by you over the last two years. Get a grip on your emotions and start being a positive example rather than an embarrassment to your children. I’m happy that you’re dating someone, but keep a proper distance and allow yourself the time to get to know him before you introduce him to our children, let alone move in with him and tie yourself financially and emotionally. That’s all (our younger daughter) needs is for you to move in with someone and then 6 mths from now you realize he’s not all what you thought he was and you’re moving again.

He has his own issues to work out, such as his own divorce, so I’d like to think you’d consider that in your thought process before even contemplating things like this. It scares me to think that you’d even entertain this, let alone talk about it with the kids when our own situation is not resolved. You have no idea what the kids think of him, which as I understand it they are not over the moon about him. That should be your priority. Not having a companion to help with your bills and someone to sleep with.”

Wow, this coming from the guy who was lying to me and his kids while having an affair with a co-worker choosing to do things still with her or for himself instead of putting our children’s needs above his own. Is he really talking to me about “obligations”, “priorities”, being “an embarrassment” to my children, my need to be a “positive example”, “protection” and “lack of good judgement”?

Firstly, I have been seeing this man for 8 months. My ex is only getting wind of him now because I have not talked about him or introduced him to my children or had him even know where I live until recently. My older daughter has only met him 2 times and that is because she chose to come into the house to specifically meet him when she saw his vehicle in the driveway when she and her dad were dropping her sister off. They exchanged hello’s and that was it.

The man I am dating is so respectful of my situation and of me being a mom first. He has never slept at my house except when I was called that my older daughter was in emergency. He was the one who drove my younger daughter back home from visiting her sister in the hospital. He came and picked her up after midnight. My ex would not do that. In fact, my ex was more concerned that he was at the hospital when he had a 7:00 a.m. hockey game. I had girlfriend coming to the hospital to pick my younger daughter up but when the man I am dating offered to get my daughter and sleep on the couch until I came home she chose that instead. My ex raised zero concern about an unrelated male driving our daughter and staying alone with her. Instead he jealously said in front of both our children that I could go and get our younger daughter’s bag from his vehicle as he didn’t want to interrupt my “love fest”. When I arrived home at 2:00 a.m. he stayed on the couch with me for 1 1/2 hours and let me talk about the situation and calm down so I could go to sleep and then he left.

I have met his parents and his 20 year old daughter. I like them all very much. Both his daughter and his parents know that he is 100% reliable and I have witnessed all the things he does for them. He is the one who picks his daughter up if she is out with friends on the weekend to ensure she gets home safely and to ensure she is actually home. I have been to his beautiful home and have seen the house that he built with his own hands. He’s invited me to visit him at work. He’s taken me out with his best friend. He rarely drinks and doesn’t do drugs or smoke. He is a coach and runs and cycles regularly. I continue to ask all of the hard questions. I have introduced him to 3 of my friends and their husbands/boyfriends who also have been brutal at times looking for deep sincere answers to their questions. He told me after our Super Bowl party that one of my friends talked to him when I wasn’t around. He said he knows what a valuable friend I am and how much I am cared for because of how they have pressed him.

However, I am not interested in anything other than dating this kind, gentle man who respects me. I have no intention of moving in with him. He was kind enough to offer us a home he recently bought near my daughter’s school, that he plans to fix up and flip, if I haven’t found a suitable living option when my house sells. My daughter knows this because she is feeling very insecure about having to move. She is afraid we will have to give up our dog and 2 cats. Knowing we have options has given her more of a feeling of security. Her dad has taken all her security away. She has no positive male role models in her life and the counselor has impressed it is really important to surround her with men who do not behave badly. Unfortunately her best friend’s dad did the exact same thing that her dad did so having a man in her life who didn’t use an affair to end his marriage and who actually wants to be with his own children and my daughter, too, is a big deal.

To address my ex’s concerns: I think our children have suffered far more damage by their dad moving out after living with them for 15 and 10 years than if I were ever to move in with someone and move out after 6 months. They were far more tied emotionally and financially to a dad who no longer provides or meets those needs and worse has crippled us in both of those areas. I think our kids have suffered far more by realizing we are being forced to move because it is their own father who is not the person we thought he was.

Standard
affairs, Betrayal, cheating, control, desperation, ego, infidelity, marriage breakdown, other woman, promiscuity, Victoria British Columbia, wealthy men

Chicktoria

The population of Victoria, BC, Canada is 80,017.  The population of the metropolitan area of Greater Victoria is 344,615 making it the 15th most populous Canadian urban region. Victoria is situated on Vancouver Island, a 1 1/2 hour ferry ride from Vancouver.

Interestingly, Victoria is dubbed Chicktoria because of the gender imbalance of 4:1 women for every man.  The girl to guy ratio and nickname are compiled in the Urban Dictionary and there are articles speculating the causes of the man shortage in Victoria. I have heard it said that the imbalance is as high as 7:1.

The Times Colonist printed an article on October 14, 2012 citing statistics that Victoria’s wealthiest men are the most promiscuous in Canada and even in North America.  Victoria men are the most sexually active in Canada with 78% having at least 7 sexual partners a year.

When women are desperate, feeling that above all else they need to have a man for their security–emotional, financial, sexual, status, etc. they selfishly pursue a target.  Married men are not off limits to them. When men have so many “opportunities” (the word my husband used), it doesn’t take much for them to dispose of lives that were once important to them to instead chase whatever ego-stroking benefits these determined women satisfy.

By Victoria standards, my husband is a catch.  He is employed. He is a very small partner in his company but he never fails to mention that he is a partner to anyone he speaks to and women who know this think he has a lucrative employment future.  He has a vehicle.  He has vanity so he dresses nicely, spends a lot of time gelling and styling his hair and keeps a salon hair appointment every 4 weeks. He throws money around picking up dinner tabs, buying drinks and tipping. To Victoria women, he conveys wealth.  When he moved to Victoria and joined his company, he suddenly became a big fish in a small pond and he subscribed to the idea of his power on the job and as an interest to women.

He admired the way his boss flirted with and treated women and he began emulating that behaviour.  He shared daily examples with me of his boss’s outrageousness and always said to me, “I don’t know how he gets away with it.”  My girlfriend told me that she and her husband both felt that my husband put off the “I want to fuck you vibe.” He started to go out to more “work functions”.  He started to drink a lot, use drugs and had a driving service his work paid for to ensure he didn’t drive under the influence.  He was arrogant and self-important. When his grandmother died and he was not consulted about the date of the funeral, he called his uncle to ream him out and made him cry. When I was volunteering at my daughter’s school with another mom who worked in his industry he told me, “make sure you look hot.”

The changes in my husband’s behaviour, mood, absence from our family, increase in his ego became a repulsion to me. It obviously fueled the desires of other women or was it their interest in my husband that caused the behaviour change in him? I never stopped paying attention to my husband and we were having sex up until I found out about his affair but I was taking a stand against his chauvinistic treatment and uncaring attitude toward me and my girls. I was definitely aware that he was putting “work” before us and his attitude that everything else was my responsibility started to cause rifts.

Patti Stranger, founder and CEO of the Millionaire’s Club International Inc. and who stars in and produces The Millionaire Matchmaker reality show visited Victoria.  Two of my friends met with her.  Her advise to them for meeting a quality man in Victoria: “Get off the island.”

My other single friends started to share stories about men they dated.  Finding someone who didn’t smoke, had “a pot to piss in”, and had a job became their ideal.  Less than that, the best they could hope for. Some had flat out given up.

Victoria women, have we only perpetuated the problem by settling and accepting men who do not meet our needs in the first place?  Do we have such low self-esteem and self-worth that we don’t expect more and so impatient, fearful and lonely we can’t wait for more?  Do we latch on to whoever we can and then spend the rest of our relationship looking to trade up?

Any decision to pursue married men and men in committed relationships should never allow you to feel secure in your relationship.  It should always be in your subconscious that women like you are just waiting to strike and that you are in a relationship with a weak man. You do have control over your own actions.  Let’s chose self-respect and respect for others. Let’s have a higher moral standard for our behaviour and our men’s behaviour. By being the other type of woman you have said to men, “It is okay to screw around; it is okay to go after whatever you want for your own selfish gain.” Why would that type of man ever be satisfied with just you?  There is nothing you can do to keep that type of man faithful because you already set the standard that cheating is okay.

Men, how stupid are you?  If women are prepared to fool around with you, don’t you think there is a highly probable chance they will fool around on you?  There is always someone better than you around the corner–more hair, more money, better teeth, better skin, better athlete, better body, bigger penis, better work ethic, younger/older, blonder, darker, healthier, smarter, wiser, whatever the perceived “better” is, there is better than you.

Everyone reaps what they sow.

Women of Victoria, we are in control.  There are more of us than men. All of this poor behaviour of cheating on our partners and cheating with married men allows men to act like dicks.  Women should be less concerned about their sensed disadvantage living in Chicktoria and be more concerned about the long-term effect and disadvantage of living in Dicktoria.

 

 

 

 

 

Standard