I saw my ex last Sunday because our daughter had a dance competition. We sat on opposite sides of the theatre but stood with our daughter together when she was finished performing.
I looked at him while he was talking to her. There is nothing remotely attractive to me about my ex. He was dressed very nicely, all new clothes to me, but the expression about putting lipstick on a pig popped into my head. He is still a pig.
What was attractive to me previously about my ex was the fact that he was my husband. We were partners. He was committed to God, to me and to our children and I trusted that with those priorities my kids and I were well loved. I was committed to him and those same things and I never wavered in my attempt to be the giving, supportive and loving wife. I sacrificed for his career and to care for our children but I have no regrets because that was the best thing for our family. We had built a life together that I was very grateful we had and I had no reason to believe any of those priorities had changed for him. I thought we continued to have the same hopes and dreams and purpose.
What makes him particularly ugly to me now is way beyond him having an affair. It is how he has treated me and my children and even God since then. It is one thing to be someone who never had a relationship with God, but it is completely another thing for someone to have known God, committed his life to God and thanked God for everything God gave him and then to suddenly throw it all back in God’s face saying it wasn’t good enough. He is completely unrepentant. He is also ugly to me now in the way he continues to not take responsibility for his share of support and agreements he made in mediation. The distrust and failure to keep his word makes me scrunch my nose and turn my mouth up in distaste. He is especially awful to look at because he just missed seeing our daughter on the Sunday and Wednesday he was “scheduled” to see her because he was away and yet even though he returned, he never tried to see her outside of his next scheduled visit. Even when he picked her up at 6:30 p.m. this Wednesday she was home before 7:15 p.m. He took her to Subway and then dropped her off. He doesn’t have a deep, personal connection or relationship with our daughter and doesn’t seem to care to have that. I was attracted to a man who knew his children, did things with his kids and for his kids, a man who joined in and participated in quality and quantity time with them and made it special. I was attracted to a man who prayed and had a spiritual view and offered sound counsel to others including me and our children. My older daughter is going through a huge amount of difficulty right now and my ex’s response is basically, “She is 19, she needs to deal with it.” Our child needs financial, legal and a lot of emotional support, encouragement, as well as strong and sound advice right now but he has nothing to give.
It is interesting to me that the origin of the word “ugly” comes from words that mean ‘dreadful’, ‘fearful’, ‘apprehension’, ‘ill-tempered’. and ‘strife’. It is the root sense of ‘hate’ and ‘sorrow’ and the extended sense of ‘morally offensive’. It is his attitude that oozes out from within and emotes a negative energy that makes him “frightful or horrible in appearance” to me. I have never in my life criticized his physical appearance in any way. He has acne scars, large ears and a big head. I never saw those things. It is his hardened and cold heart that turns him into a grotesque figure.
There is not a single ounce of desire for this person who I simply no longer recognize as the man with who I once shared a life.