I was very disappointed to learn that the wife of a couple, who my ex and I have known for about 20 years, cheated on her husband. They have 3 kids ages 16 to 22. Her husband had to drive to another city to find her and bring her home. They are separated and the husband lives with their youngest daughter. The other 2 children go to college. Their son wants nothing to do with his mother and refused to celebrate Christmas with her.
What was shocking and interesting at the same time to me was that the cheating wife said that there is no one that will ever love her like her husband does and she hopes that in 3 years they can remarry. That instantly flashed me back to a May 2013 phone conversation with my ex where he said, 2 1/2 months post separation, that he would need to be gone for a year and then he would come back. What fantasy land do these cheaters live in?
The betrayed husband of this couple had the same reaction that I did towards my ex. He wants nothing to do with her. And like most spouses of cheaters, he too was left to handle all the responsibilities of real life. He is still friendly with her and he pays her spousal support with no court order telling him to do so. He also is paying for all of the children’s expenses and taking care of the full needs of their youngest daughter. His expenses are about $6000 US/month and he will not be able to maintain this but this is the sad reality of these situations.
Cheaters possess a selfish, escape from reality need to seek some instant gratifying, ego-stroking attention that leads them to a place they think they can return from when they are ready and everyone will just wait and be thrilled they are back. They seek some band aid cover up to whatever they are too emotionally immature to communicate or comprehend on any deep level. To me, it mimics high school infatuation where kids jump from one relationship to the next based on feelings and hormones.
So in follow up to my blog post “How the Other Woman thinks Part I” I went to Janice Andrews Twitter account to share 10 recent retweets (because she has no original thought of her own) to learn how her thinking aligns with that of a cheater. It sounds exactly like she has the insight and life experience of a teenager where love is based in fantasy, not real life.
January 10, 2018:
“Real love doesn’t meet you at your best. It meets you in your mess.” J.S. Park
December 30, 2017: here’s your reminder list of cute things:
• also you
• hey look you
• and you
• wait wait wait
• you’re cute
December 3, 2017:
“I hope we last. I hope we do.
But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:
I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable – only for you though, only for you.
Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too.
If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.
Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew.”
November 20, 2017:
“Choose people who choose you.”
November 21, 2017:
“excuse me. I just wanted. to. remind you. that. this love I have. is for you.”
November 21, 2017:
“Magic is believing in yourself. If you can do that you can make anything happen.”–Goethe
November 21, 2017:
“Just be like a child. Embrace your ignorance. Love unconditionally. And don’t take anything too seriously. Especially yourself.”
November 22, 2017:
“Don’t get stuck in what might have been. It prevents you from going after what might become.”
November 22, 2017:
“You are a warrior and these are your weapons: kindness, gentleness, patience, presence, understanding, peace, love, restraint.”
November 15, 2017: “21 ways to keep her”
- Text her back as soon as you see her messages
- Don’t lie to her
- Don’t let her fall asleep without telling her you love her
- Don’t let her fall asleep mad
- Don’t make stupid mistakes
- Call her and say you love her at least once a week
- Make time for her
- Don’t get mad at her for dumb things
- If you have a reason to be mad at her then talk about it and work it through
- Listen to her, anything she says is important
- Remind her of how beautiful she looks when she smiles
- Don’t build walls between you two
- Trust her enough to tell her how you really feel
- Make her remember she is yours every time you kiss her
- Show her songs, poems, anything that reminds you of her
- Call her baby, babe, beautiful, etc. all the time
- Don’t break her heart
- Hold her hand in public no matter who is looking
- Don’t take her for granted
- Be spontaneous when you take her out
- Love her with every breath of your existence
8 thoughts on “How “The Other Woman” Thinks: Part II”
I guess when it gets right down to it it just seems sadly banal. Not much originality. Twitter and Facebook have devolved into hackneyed, vapid pablum for adults. All the kids I know are on Snapchat, Instagram and others. They don’t use Facebook anymore. They text.
Have your girls made peace with their father?
My girls and I don’t talk about their dad unless there is something specific he has done to negatively impact them right now. Then I just help them work through the best way to handle it. I do want to still post about one incident with my youngest daughter in September. It is incidents like this, (I need more space to share) that has to be a constant underline of their true relationship.
My youngest daughter goes with her dad pretty much every Wednesday night for dinner. He still misses “his” weekend when he wants and then skips over to his next weekend so he can go for 3 weekends in a row without seeing her sometimes. I have often suggested he just switch weekends with me but he never has. She seems content though to only have to go out with him during the weekend for a dinner on Friday, maybe lunch or dinner on Saturday (it all depends on what he has going on in his life as to when he will see her) and then on Sunday a lunch or dinner, They don’t necessarily see each other on every day during their weekend and she seems fine if he bails on her.
I send him all of her dance competition dates because I want her to have an audience there to support her and specifically I want her to have both parents cheering her on. There have been 2 competitions so far and 2 practice performance shows and he was at them all (maybe because his parents were in town for 3/4 events but they were all there). His parents probably got a sense though in the 3 weeks they were here how little he gets to see her and in turn how little they got to see her. When we were together they would stay with us for 6 weeks. They would get to be part of her life every day. It is difficult to truly build deep relationships with family you see very little.
My older daughter is in Vancouver. She is surprised to find out sometimes her dad has been there and has never called or made plans to see her. He did this weekend though. Sometimes my daughter comes home and doesn’t see her dad either. I wonder if he even knows she has been here but I think she texts him pretty regularly. My younger daughter does not initiate texts with him and doesn’t even want to have to do it when she needs to convey information to him. If it is his weekend to see my younger daughter and my older daughter is here they both usually go. It isn’t a priority for my older daughter and that is usually when my younger daughter begs her to come with them. If it interfered with my older daughter’s plans, she wouldn’t go. She learned priority in relationships from him and she would not choose going with her dad if socially there was something else she would prefer to do. She has a boyfriend here so if the boyfriend can come, then she goes.
Both girls seem pretty mindful when it comes to gift giving on his birthday, Christmas and Father’s Day. They do still ask me my opinion and I do offer advice on what I think he would like to receive from them and I have taken them to buy gifts for him as well.
I am not exactly sure what they think deep down but on the surface I would say that “peace” is presented.
Well… no wonder he needs a whole year to soak up as much of that wisdom as he can before he comes back.
If people actually said the things they tweet I think the world would be easier. The stupidity would be much more obvious.
My ex told me one time that she is very intelligent, otherwise he would not want anything to do with her. Okay, if he says so it must be true.
Some people’s children.
To me these seem like she’s trying to reassure herself, and prod him into realizing, all the destruction they’ve caused was worth it and can be minimized by living in the now, the innocent moment. Gag 🙄
I think you are right. One of the things that I was told is that Janice and my ex are very into horoscopes and their astrological signs. I laughed because my ex always thought that stuff was a joke. We might have read a horoscope if it landed on our lap for fun but never sought them out or placed any weight on their meaning. Janice printed out her sign information and his sign information I am sure in hopes that it would support how compatible they are and meant to be together. Again, her way of trying to reassure them both. I wonder if they printed out my sign too and what that would tell them.
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