affairs, blogging, cheating, children, divorce, God, Identifying the other woman, Outing

The Purpose of My Blog

I started this blog in May 2013, 2 months after discovering that my husband was having an affair with a co-worker.

Reading their sexually explicit messages, reading them tell each other how much they couldn’t wait to be together and the future plans they were making, reading them telling each other “I love you”, reading about the things they had been doing together and piecing that into the way my husband was living his life with me and our children at the same time sends a lump to my throat even today as I think about it.

As if it wasn’t bad enough for me to have all of this information imprinted in my brain, it was imprinted in my 15-year old daughter’s brain as well. On top of my own grief I had a very angry teenager who would never see her dad the same way again. I also had a 10-year old daughter who I was trying to protect from the bluntness of her angry, older sister; from the cold detachment of her father; and from my sadness for what was lost as well as my new fear for our future.

It was like a death. Firstly, I knew it was permanent. What my children and I had was gone forever. I knew I could never be with this man again. Secondly, when it happened, everyone was there for me and my children–visiting in person, travelling far to see us, sending or dropping off cards, letters, flowers, food; emails, phone calls, acts of service, etc. I knew how much I was loved by so many people. I felt strong, courageous and I was confident in my decision to end the marriage. I was at peace, trusted in God’s plan and was hopeful for the future.

But like a death, everyone else goes on with their life and I was left with having to handle the grieving process in all of its stages; not just for me but for my children. I was left with still being responsible for taking care of bill payments, taking my kids to all of their activities and trying to find a way they could to do what they loved and to continue to keep that part of their life unchanged, all of the chores and maintenance (inside and out) that go along with 2 kids, 3 pets and a large home. I was literally a single parent with no support on any level. Both my kids had a lot of difficulties but my older daughter suffered the most.

I actually only had 4 friends who had been divorced. Two involved infidelity. I have gained many more friends since who have undergone similar losses just through being open about our lives, but at the time I started my blog I felt very alone and very overwhelmed. The blog was just a way for me to journal. I am a scrapbooker and I felt this was a life changing event that I needed to document. I was vulnerable, real, honest and writing from my heart. Very sad and difficult things were coming to light and the blog was a way for me to sort out my thoughts and to try and make sense of them. I was reporting my observations and trying to understand my ex’s behaviour.

Although I was writing just for me, I soon realized that other people going through similar situations were reading my blog. Their offers of encouragement and support for me and my kids was so appreciated and helped me to keep moving forward. I was able to read other people’s experiences including that of trying to gain some insight from those who cheat. I hated that I was part of this community but I was so grateful for its existence. I was 100% authentic in everything that I shared and found that the more real and vulnerable I was with my thoughts, emotions and my situation that the more I benefited and the more I benefited others.

If you have never been betrayed by the person you love most and who you think loves you the most in the world, you will never understand the gut-wrenching feelings that exist when your heart is torn out. Tears fill my eyes as I write and remember. I lost everything. I allowed our little family of 4 to be uprooted from our huge pool of friendships, our family and our church. Our entire support system was gone when we moved across the country. We knew nobody. We moved only so my husband could pursue his career aspirations. All I wanted was for him to be happy and for him to know that I would do anything for him and go anywhere with him . I trusted that he loved me and our girls more than anything in the world. I prayed specifically about our situation, sought advice and I have no regrets about the decision. I thought the experience actually knit us closer together.

I know people think it always takes 2 people for a marriage to disintegrate. In this case, it took 3 people. My husband never made me aware that he was unhappy. We rarely fought. We came together every evening as a family and spent weekends together doing family things. We always put our family first. My girlfriend just told me on the weekend that she had been jealous of my marriage. She said that we did so much together, had so much to talk about together and enjoyed spending time together. We never had marriage counseling because there didn’t seem to be anything seriously wrong. We were intimate together right up until 2 weeks before I discovered his sexting and the photos the other woman sent to him of herself. I was completely blindsided. We had been together 23 years and none of this made sense to me. I only felt my husband’s distance in October 2012 when he let me down in terrible ways and was inexplicably cruel. He would apologize, we would make up, and then it would start again.

My post-separation experience was getting worse instead of stabilizing or resolving. I thought that my husband having had the affair was the worst thing he could do to me and my kids but I was wrong. He was being a selfish, neglectful father and a punishing ex-husband who was resisting efforts to reach a fair separation agreement. His obstinance continues.

In the past 28 months I have published 70 posts. I am hardly obsessed with talking about my situation. Many bloggers post daily or more. There were months I didn’t post at all. As things happened that I felt were important in my journey, I reflected or reported in my blog. The other woman is part of my journey. I understand why she isn’t happy I posted her identity. Nobody wants to be exposed for shameful behaviour. For me, it was important that I did.

I think by the entries I have published outlining the actions of my ex during this entire process and the comments my ex recently made on my blog (under user name Happy) confirm that there is no reason that I would have any good will to extend to him. For my ex to then go to the extent that he did to try and bully me, shame me, harass me and lie about me all in the name of doing what is right for my children, only hardens my heart more against him. He came to my site to defend himself and the other woman and to cause chaos and attack anyone might have a differing opinion.

Why would I adhere to the request of unknown user names that were degrading and mocking me and pretending to be me and pretending to be friends supporting me? Lies and Deceit got us here in the first place. I don’t want anything to do with that type of behaviour and the people who carry it out.

The same is true for the other woman. If she had children, I never would have published that post. She certainly didn’t have my kids’ best interest in mind when she was pursuing their father and instrumental in the destruction of their family. To this day, she does not treat my children equally or put their needs above her own. Perhaps if instead she came to me with some semblance of humility, acknowledging what she did and the hurt and the damage she caused me and my girls, and then sharing how me posting the information that I did has hurt her, I might have shown some compassion and deleted at least some part of it. Instead, she thinks by blaming me and putting me down that I will bow down to her. I don’t owe her anything. Yet, she feels justified in trying to hurt and damage me more?

I allowed them their say on my blog to be fair and for people who have been following since the beginning to understand and experience a little of what I have had to taste during this entire process. it is one thing to read about it from me but to experience it first hand makes the picture clearer. It is all part of showing the ugliness of divorce. This is my story and my experience. It is ugly. We were good people who I thought loved each other very much and now we don’t. I will leave up their comments. I didn’t edited any of them. But now I take back control and will delete any of their comments going forward.

There are so many lessons in real life underscoring the reasons to not cheat. The possibility of getting caught may be part of the thrill but you never looked at the consequences of what could happen if you did get caught. You screwed around with my life and the life of my kids and at the same time you thought it was fun to screw around with my husband. Now you are exposed. I hope by me shining it under a light it may be a reminder to you to find your thrills in places that don’t ruin lives. If your life is ruined now too, as a result of my post, consider it your own doing. I never invited you into my life. You opened that door all on your own.

affairs, cheating, divorce, harassment, narcissism, the other woman

I Don’t Negotiate with Terrorists

adultery, bullying, cheating, Criminal Code of Canada, Cyberbullying, Defamation, divorce, Fraud, Libel, Mobbing, Stalking

Criminal Code of Canada: Defamatory Libel, Publishing, Stalking, Criminal Harassment, Cyberbullying and Identity Fraud

Section 300 of the Criminal Code of Canada is the “Punishment of Libel Known to be False”. It states that: “Everyone who publishes a defamatory libel that he knows is false is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 5 years.”

Section 301 of the Criminal Code of Canada is the “Punishment of Defamatory Libel”. It states that: “Everyone who publishes a defamatory libel is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years.”

The definition of “publishes” is listed in section 299 of the Criminal Code of Canada and states:

“A person publishes a libel when he exhibits it in public; causes it to be read or seen; or shows or delivers it, or causes it to be shown or delivered, with intent that it should be read or seen by the person whom it defames or by any other person.”

As a result, I will be removing any comments made by my ex and his followers that are libelous and posted on my site.

Why anyone would state such things about me and encourage others to write such accusations that include criminal acts is incomprehensible. How someone could proclaim to care for the wellness of my children while dragging their mother through the mud is, to me, the equivalent of being an abuser of my children.

Section 403 of the Criminal Code of Canada, “Identity Fraud”, states that: “Everyone commits an offence who fraudulently personates another person, living or dead, with intent to gain advantage for themselves or another person; with intent to obtain any property or an interest in any property; with intent to cause disadvantage to the person being personated or another person.”

Personating a person includes pretending to be the person or using the person’s identity information”. Punishment for everyone who commits an offence under subsection (1) (a) is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term of not more than 10 years; or (b) is guilty of an offence punishable on summary conviction.

For stalking to be criminal harassment under section 264 of the Criminal Code of Canada, here is what my ex and his performers should be aware of:

“1. A person does one or more of the following things:

repeatedly follow you, or anyone you know.
repeatedly communicate with you, or anyone you know, directly or indirectly.
repeatedly watch you, or anyone you know, or lurk around your home, workplace, or any other place you happen to be.
engage in any threatening conduct directed at you or a member of your family.

2. The person knows that their conduct is harassing you or they are reckless about whether their conduct is harassing you. “Reckless” means they know their conduct may harass you, but they don’t care.

A person can be stalking even if they don’t physically hurt anyone or damage any property. The law is designed to protect psychological, emotional, and physical safety.

Stalking may start with conduct that seems more annoying than dangerous. Often, the conduct is legal and even socially acceptable, if it’s just an isolated incident. But when it’s repeated, it may scare the victim.

“Cyberbullying is a type of harassment using new technology. Whether it is criminal harassment depends on the facts of a case. Cyberbullies use social media (such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and YouTube), blogs, texting, instant messaging, and other internet avenues to engage in deliberate, repeated, and hostile conduct intended to harm, embarrass, or slander someone. Although their work is public, cyberbullies are often anonymous and it is often harder to identify and stop them.

Cyberbullying may also be defamation. The Criminal Code (section 300) outlaws publishing a defamatory libel – material published, without lawful justification or excuse, likely to injure the reputation of any person by exposing them to hatred, contempt or ridicule, or designed to insult the person.”

These perpetrators think they are hiding behind user names. What they may not realize is that every computer on a network has a unique number called an IP address. Routers also have an IP address that acts as a front man for a bunch of computers. Law enforcement can trace your IP address back to your exact physical address.

I have all of the perpetrators email addresses, IP addresses and internet service providers. For example, I can tell you that the person who posted comments under the user name Happy and Robyn Graham Cherrie (masquerading as me) is the same person, my ex. I can tell you that the people using user names Azif, Trouble Brewing, Silly Sally’s Sister, WTF and Devil’s Advocate were in the same location while they posted comments. They probably work together as the IP address is identical, indicating they all likely had separate computers running through the same router. Their service provider is Telus. WTF, Devil’s Advocate, Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right and Winner Winner Chicken Dinner are all the same person. Time to Move on and Awesome are the same person with Rogers as their service provider. Azif and Pot Calling Kettle are the same person. Time to Move on and NothingbutBS may be the same person or work together because although they used different email addresses they share the same IP address. I have 2 IP addresses for Sally so she may be working at 2 different places of employment or one is for her home service provider as one is Telus and the other Shaw.

I will not respond to any harassing messages and I am telling those involved in communicating with me in this manner to stop. I have been advised to provide all of your comments to the police. I have been advised to report your conduct to your internet service providers as most companies have policies on acceptable use of their services and can cancel the service of a customer who violates those policies. If you continue to contact me I can seek a civil protection order.

adultery, affairs, Betrayal, cheating, divorce, the other woman

“Out Damned Spot”

It is very fascinating to me that Dave is trying so hard to turn me into a guilty person.

He is specifically trying to shift blame off himself and accuse me of a variety of offences: I don’t shower, I don’t get out of bed, I don’t enjoy a beautiful day, I do yoga, I do expensive yoga, I go to Starbucks, I am a bad mother, I don’t work, I don’t unpack boxes, I expect him to pay my ferry fare, I am defrauding the government, I steel photos, I bully, and the list goes on and on including the bizarre claim that I have kitty litter all over my house.

What is especially interesting to me is that Dave is fabricating my involvement in an adulterous affair. He’s even trying to name names, describe vehicles and pull in other people and details to pad his lie. Then he takes it further and calls me a slut.

I came to the realization that he must be feeling so guilty of committing adultery on me that he is trying to get me to share in his guilt. He is trying to shed his own experience and deal it to me instead.

Guilt is described in Macbeth as “Life’s fitful fever”. When you look at the comments made by Dave and his underlings they are certainly exhibiting feverish fits. 2 1/2 years post my discovery of the affair, the fits rage on. They are consuming Dave’s life to the point that he can’t suppress them anymore. These are not new rants to me (except for the kitty litter). These are obviously not new rants to his henchman because they repeat the exact same accusations he has been trying to heap on me from the beginning. That ‘s why all of the 12 (yep, a new one appeared since I last counted) identities commenting on my blog lately seem like Dave himself. But now he has a new audience of blog followers to try to relieve himself on.

Like Lady Macbeth tried to assure Macbeth “what’s done is done”, Dave has tried repeatedly to convince me of the same thing. I am to “get over it” and “stop living in the past.” “Move on” is his modus operandi. The problem for Dave is that he can’t convince himself. The truth is that adultery is permanent and the guilt it casts on the perpetrator sticks to the conscience despite actions to try and feign otherwise. Like the wife Dave left, he can’t ignore his guilt either.

Macbeth got no peace from satisfying his ambition to take King Duncan’s throne. Dave is getting no peace either. He may have conquered Janice and tried to make her into a legitimate relationship but his life experience is miserable. He gives glimpses of his life by indicating he “isn’t living in the lap of luxury” and with his anger and nasty attacks on anyone who would dare support my side of events and his paranoia over my cause of anything that goes wrong in his and Janice’s life, his guilt is all-consuming. Probably because he feels he and Janice deserve to have bad things happen to them and deserve to have people stand against them.

Wikipedia describes guilt as “an emotion that occurs when a person believes that they have violated a moral standard that they themselves believe in.” I remember Dave’s indignation when we found out, shortly after attending our friend’s wedding, that her new husband was having an affair. The affair started before the wedding. Deceit has always been a huge moral faux pas for Dave. I now think it is because he lives with deceit in his character. He has difficulty with trust because he himself is untrustworthy and as happened with one of his business partners, if he catches you in a lie, watch out!

Well Dave, keep screaming and washing your hands. The blood, so to speak, isn’t coming out. Like the scarlet letter ‘A’ (was that what was spray-painted on Janice’s car?), your mark is permanent. It is going to follow you around for life. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t end well for Macbeth.

adultery, cheating, divorce, God

Jesus Cheaters

After Dave’s scripture quoting on August 27, look what I found! Since Dave “Happy” is begging for a new post, this one is for him.

Time again for Jesus Cheaters

August 28, 2015 by Chump Lady

With Josh Duggar in the news, what with his Ashley Madison accounts, and recent 6-month sentencing to the ~~Gulag~~sex addiction re-education camp, I thought it was time again to trot out my post on Jesus Cheaters.

(Originally, this column was a spinoff of “Don’t Date This Person” in which I had forgotten Jesus cheaters and thus had to devote a whole column to them.)

Here’s to you, Josh! — Tracy

—

Could anything be more narcissistic than thinking you speak for God?

I realize the other major world religions have their versions of Jesus Cheaters too. Christianity doesn’t have the market cornered on hypocritical douchebags. But that said, I do think the New Testament lends itself to a certain sort of spackle that the disordered love to exploit.

So — you asked for it — here are the Jesus cheaters!

Phillip Forgiveness — God has spoken to Phillip and forgiven him, so I think you should too. Phillip forgives himself! So what’s your problem? He prayed on this! We’re all good! I think you need to cast out the demons of bitterness and get over it. Jesus told Phillip that’s what Jesus would do.

Holier Than Holly — Holly has slept with half the choir and most of the finance committee. She doesn’t understand why God made you so ugly that you can’t keep your man. She’s just trying to sustain these men from the affliction of your inadequacies. Holly considers herself a saver of marriages, really. If it weren’t for the Wake Up Call of Infidelity to make you realize how much you suck, you never would’ve tried to improve. You can thank her. I think you should.

Deacon Dan — Don’t let the sweater vest fool you. Dan’s a pervert.

Martyre Martha — You weren’t meeting her emotional needs. But Bob on the liturgy committee, he understands. You have such a dirty mind! They went to that hotel for BIBLE STUDY. Martha is a SPIRITUAL person, unlike you. Of course you wouldn’t understand because you’ve never wanted her to be happy. You’re jealous of her relationship with God… and Bob.

Ezekiel Love Bunny — Ezekiel would like a hug. And another longer lingering one. Maybe a kiss? Hey, Ezekiel is just that kind of guy! Friendly! Would you begrudge someone FRIENDS? You’re so withholding. Can Ezekiel help it if people like him better than they like you? Maybe it’s because you’re so uptight. You should work on that. He’ll be sending you some scripture to meditate on while he’s out with his “friends.”

Amazing Grace — God saved a wretch like her. Was she stealing opiates from sick people? Did she lift your wallet? Well, that’s all in the past. Why won’t you put her on the finance committee? Are you going to hold those youthful embezzlement charges against her? That was THEN. Before God’s grace! Don’t you believe in Grace?

Willy We’re-All-Sinners! An emotional assassin whose weapon of choice is the false equivalency. Did Willy cheat? Well you don’t load the dishwasher right! We’re all sinners. Ye without sin cast the first stone. You make mistakes too and we’re all equal before the eyes of God. Did he mention how much you SUCK at loading the dishwasher? Because you do, but he was too much of a Christian to mention it before.

abuse, adultery, affair, bullying, cheating, deceit, divorce, fighting, lies, pack behaviour, pack mentality

Feeding Frenzy and Understanding Dave’s Pack of Wolves

The Two Wolves

A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, hatefulness, and lies.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, humbleness, kindness, friendship, generosity, faith, and truth.

This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too.”

The children thought about it for a minute. Then one child asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The Cherokee elder replied…

“The one you feed.””

The pack leaders are the alpha male and female. These two animals are dominant over all the other wolves in the pack. The beta wolf comes next acting as the second in command. The omega wolf is the weakest and least cared for in the pack. It tends to be bullied by other members and gets the brunt of aggression during inter-pack fighting. The omega instigates play among the pack as a way to ease tensions.

The alpha male and female get to eat first at kills. A pack usually consists of 6 wolves but can be anywhere from 2 – 36 wolves. The pack can consist of adult subordinates. They can hunt in packs or singly. To establish the dominant position they show superiority in their fighting. Wolves are intensely territorial.

Pack rankings are built on strength and the ability to win fights. I’ll let Dave, Janice and the rest of their pack figure out where they rank. If Dave isn’t creative enough to be organizing 11 different user names all trying to attack me and other bloggers or people who have made supportive comments on my site then it is likely Janice, the beta in the group or quite possibly the omega, trying to better themselves and prove their worth amongst the pack.

As they continue to stalk their pray, I will likely not respond and choose instead to let them starve. They can snarl all they want about me taking down my blog. They can bark all of the lies that Dave has fed them. They can bristle their fur and pounce. They will be the ones to whimper, running away with their tails between their legs. My tail is still wagging!

adultery, blogging, bullying, cheating, divorce, Falsehood, Fraud, Janice Andrews, lies, the other woman

Bullying, Mobbing and Heroes and Heroines

I have had more than 125 comments flood my inbox in the last 2 days, most of them over the last day. They are in response to my ex discovering my blog and using a posse of coercers to try and pressure me to shut it down.

Although it turns out he is only trying to make it look like a posse of coercers. He is in fact both Sally and Happy and it is the same person who is Devil’s Advocate, Winner Winner Chicken Dinner, Two Wrongs don’t make a right and WTF. Once a deceiver always a deceiver. Perhaps Azif, Troubles Brewing and Silly Sally’s Sister are separate coercers. Then there is Chris who is pro Janice but seems to be separate. He knows them but doesn’t seem to be exactly on side.

The comments range from being crude, offensive, mocking, coded with inside jokes and innuendos between the fake commentators, defamatory, baiting, and all of them for the most part identify me and where I live (I’ve never hidden where I lived).

The definition of bullying involves “using superior strength or influence to intimidate someone typically to force him or her to do what one wants.” Synonyms include: persecute, oppress, tyrannize, browbeat, harass, torment, intimidate, strong arm and dominate.

Wikipedia indicates that “Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power, which distinguishes bullying from conflict.[1] Behaviors used to assert such domination can include verbal harassment or threat, physical assault or coercion, and such acts may be directed repeatedly towards particular targets.

“If bullying is done by a group it is called Mobbing.”

“Bullying ranges from simple one-on-one bullying to more complex bullying in which the bully may have one or more ‘lieutenants’ who may seem to be willing to assist the primary bully in his or her bullying activities.”

I believe I am being accused of bullying by this posse because I posted the name of Janice Andrews and that she lives in Victoria, BC. There is no goal to intimidate her to do anything by that post. I was simply posting a fact. She cheated with my spouse and did so publicly. It is not even a private fact. She was not hiding her behaviour. She was using both of her work emails and work phone to engage in the affair. She used work functions and other social outings with my husband to display her behaviour.

I believe that my ex is however using bullying tactics in an effort to intimidate me to stop blogging. He has repeatedly stated my full name, maiden and married, along with where I live on every single post I have entered. He has attempted to contact me with false names under false pretences. He has encouraged other people to identify me and to contact me with false names and negative comments. He orchestrated an ambush of aggressive insults by several people over the course of an entire day. Or at least he tried to make me believe that was what was happening when it was possibly only 2 people the entire time pretending to be 6 different people. They both also attacked anyone who has ever supported me, encouraged me or sided with me on any of my posts.

Amongst all of this appear some heroes and heroines. No one that I asked to come to my defence. No one that I have any relationship with outside of this blog. Some who called out Dave even as they ridiculed or admonished me. None the less they let Dave know he was not held in high regard and put the blame solely on his shoulders. They commented he lied to both me and Janice. (They seemed very pro-Janice). It could be another fake personality but Dave went begging this person trying to plead his case. I am mostly proud of Nephila, KCRambles and Whoresnotwelcome. They stood their ground and showed no fear or intimidation or waiver in their point of view.

abuse, affair, anger, blogging, bullying, cheating, cruelty, divorce, the other woman, unfaithfulness

The ex finds my blogs and shares with his friends

I apologize for a bunch of nasty comments left by my ex, the other woman and their friends.

I deleted some horrific ones but I will just let them reveal themselves for who they are and then I think you will see that my experience as reported is on mark.

I think it is very low of them to be communicating with a 15-year old who’s parents are causing her a lot of emotional distress and who reached out to me for support. The lies they told her about my daughter being kicked out are very far from reality. I cannot control their actions but I will not let their bullying stop me from sharing my experience or trying to help someone else manoeuvre through their experience.

This is my journey, my experience and my truth. I am only reporting what is going on in my life as it relates to my experience with a cheating spouse and the legal system. This was never a blog about bashing my ex or the other woman. This was never a blog about trying to make me look good. I know I look very ugly with my responses and actions. This is the reality of a nasty divorce and being on a path I never expected to be on.

This was a forum where I could share my experience. I had never blogged before and had no idea how to do it or how many people I would meet going through similar experiences. Everyone has been so kind and generous with support, compassion and advice. These were private, vulnerable posts. These were never meant to be seen by my ex.

It was pointed out to me by several professionals and friends throughout the last 2 1/2 years that I was in an abusive relationship. I have never posted the emails that would likely confirm this. It might be very difficult for me to go back and read those. I am told I may still be protecting my ex and that I may even be in denial about the abuse as I defend him sometimes for the cruel things he said to me. I had a friend share that she was horrified when we went out to dinner as couples one night. She shared that the mean things he would criticize me about were not funny and yet I would laugh as though it was a joke. I would never want his children to see the things he wrote to me and I did share with a handful of my friends about my blog so I might be embarrassed for them to see that as well. Now that my ex has discovered the blog and started posting things one friend contacted me telling me that she is afraid for me as she always considered my ex to be “dangerous”. She feels like I should contact the police because these are clearly messages meant to harass me. She texted me this morning saying, “You have had years of systematic emotional abuse by Dave…I’m really sorry.” She went on to say, “I’m worried about you and the girls.” It is clear he is continuing to try and abuse me emotionally and trying to use my blog against me.

Her advise is for me to take the blog off line. I think this is again part of my journey with my ex and it is being documented as such. I hope that anyone who happens upon my blog will learn from it. Maybe both people going through the break up can read this and say, “We do not want to be these people.” “We want to make better decisions and hurt as few people as possible through this process as well as protect our children and our finances.”

Clearly by my ex and his friends posting my name, they do not care about my children being identified. As one blogger pointed out, they have now seen my Facebook page and photos of my children. I have no problem sharing my name and identity as I stand by what I write. I never exposed my ex’s identity as I never wanted my children to read these posts. Thank you Dave, Janice and friends for being so concerned about protecting children.

adultery, affair, cheating, deceit, divorce, office romance, separation

The Other Other Woman

In Feburary 2013, I suspected that my husband might be having an affair. This was less than 2 weeks before I found the evidence.

There was only one female adjuster working in his office with him. She is young, attractive, and probably in her late 20’s when I first met her. It was 2012. She had a baby and was only just starting back to work on a part-time basis after her maternity leave. There was an afternoon barbecue being held at one of the business partner’s home. She left her baby sleeping in the car in the driveway while she came in to visit. She left to go out on a claim about an hour later and then came back afterwards without the baby.

The second time I met her was at another function at the same partner’s home. Her husband was with her this time. She talked to me quite a bit. I remember thinking that she seemed like a good step mom to her husband’s first child based on everything she was telling me that she did for this child. I asked my husband after the party what he thought of her and his comment was odd. He said, “If we had children together they would have bad skin.” I never noticed her bad skin but my husband has a scarred face from acne. He obviously had given thought to having children with her.

After that, I found her to be a bit cocky. She called me by an incorrect name which was joke from a previous party when I told her that another adjuster in their office kept calling me Bonnie. She took it to the point of being disrespectful and she did it in front my husband. He laughed in support of her.

Then when I took cupcakes into their office in February 2013 for another adjuster who was just diagnosed with cancer (he had asked me specifically about these cupcakes before his diagnosis so when I was near this bakery I decided to go in and buy him some). The female adjuster saw me and called to me from her office, “I am just on the phone with your hubby.” He was on Salt Spring Island. I thought it odd that he was out on a claim and calling her. I was certain she was the one he was having the affair with and they might very well have been also.

Shortly after my separation I was told that she and her husband separated also. Then in July 2013 I learned that she had slept with one of my ex’s business partners. I told my ex that when he drove my daughter and me (a weird and rare gesture because I had a flat tire) to my girlfriend’s cabin for the day. My ex said matter-of-factly, “I didn’t know that.”

He didn’t ask me how I knew. He didn’t tell me it was bull-shit and he didn’t lambaste me as he usually does about fabricating some fantasy. He certainly wasn’t surprised or shocked. He must have suspected.

He actually told a mutual friend of ours that his office is like the t.v. series Mad Men where everyone sleeps with everyone. For all I know they all share each other (my ex did share details, shortly after he started to work there, of swinging that went out with one of the couples in his office).

I figured afterwards he was only with Janice because he was looking and she obviously showed interest. The big plus is that she doesn’t have kids. That is an important factor for him.

In October 2013, my daughter was at my ex’s office waiting for him to come back to take her around to sell a fundraising item for her dance. Another lady in the office kindly offered to take her around since my ex was late and I waited in the reception area. I saw that there was an incident occurring in front of this other woman adjuster’s office. The lady taking my daughter around looked at me apologetically. I was told after she was on the phone but she had done something to make my daughter feel very uncomfortable. I was told after by my ex that this female adjuster didn’t want me to come into their office again. I never even saw her. She shouldn’t have even know that I was there. I thought that if she was such a good mom and friend to my husband she would eagerly support my daughter in her fundraising efforts. I feel like her reaction to my daughter’s present was inexplicably over the top. My daughter made the decision then and there that she never wanted to go into my ex’s office again so I really don’t know what she saw this woman do.

After I switched lawyers because the Collaborative process was not working, I found out that my ex referred this other woman to my lawyer for representation. He confirmed that with me. He felt that my lawyer would be a good fit for her. This seemed so bizarre.

Since then my kids have mentioned the other adjuster’s name. My ex talks about her in random ways to them. He told my kids that she worked at Garage and didn’t like the job because she had to tell people they looked good in clothes when they didn’t.

My kids also told me that it was this adjuster who looked after my ex’s fish while he was in Ontario with Janice and our children. They said specifically that she would come by his place with her son to feed Waldo. I got to thinking that she must know what Janice drives since Janice works part-time in their office. She must have seen her vehicle parked on the street if it is was in fact there. She would have noticed if there was any vandalism.

Then I got to thinking that maybe she is the one who vandalized the vehicle if there is a little love triangle going on.

adultery, cheating, children, deceit, destruction, divorce, family, lying, other woman

The Boov

When my youngest daughter (13 years old) and I were on vacation this summer in Parksville, BC, we decided to go to an outdoor showing of the movie Home. She had already seen it with my ex and the other woman, Janice Andrews.

The movie started at dusk which happened to be 9:56 p.m. It was held at a huge park near the ocean. It was very busy with people and cars and there was a lot going on around the park including a sand castle/sculpture competition and a huge playground/water park area. We set up our chairs, blankets and snacks with friends of ours (another mom and her 2 kids, one who is my daughter’s best friend) who were also vacationing in Parksville.

Just before the movie was about to start my daughter decided she needed to go to the bathroom. I didn’t want her to go alone so I said I would come with her. Just when we were at the edge of the park the movie started to play. She said, “Mom, you need to see the beginning. You stay.” I looked around to see if there might be a bathroom closer, even a port-a-potty, as the bathrooms we went to before we set up were really far away and it was now dark. There was nothing. I hesitated and told her that I didn’t feel great about her going alone but she said, “Just wait here” and she ran off.

As soon as she left I regretted letting her go. She didn’t have her phone with her and I didn’t have mine with me. I was afraid she wouldn’t even be able to find the bathroom. I considered running after her but had a quick vision of her deciding not to go alone and coming back to find me not in my spot. Then while the minutes passed I contemplated going to meet her but didn’t want to miss her in case we took different paths. I tried to focus on what was happening at the start of the movie as my daughter obviously felt it was important but I kept turning to look for her. In probably less than 10 minutes she was back. I told her that I was so relieved to see her, regretted letting her go alone and that I was so grateful she was back safely. She said it was scary and she ran the entire way.

Interestingly enough, the movie ran 2 parallel themes of what I just experienced. One theme involved a young daughter, Tip, who had been separated from her mom after the Boov invaded Earth. Tip hated The Boov for taking her mom from her and did everything to hurt them, stop them and escape them. The Boov are selfish, lying, aliens who displaced all humans for their own self-interest. They were so self-absorbed they weren’t even kind to other Boov in their own species.

Then there is The Gorg. The Gorg was chasing The Boov because the leader of the Boov stole an egg containing the last of the Gorg species.

After the movie, I was reflecting on the commentary and wondered if my ex and Janice were at all uncomfortable with this theme as they watched with my daughter. After all, they destroyed family. My daughter and I talked about this as we walked back to our car. We talked about how she would do anything to track me down if we were separated from each other and I told her that I would be like the Gorg and would never stop searching for her. Then we discussed that Janice was like The Boov. It made no difference to her that my ex had a wife and kids. She was self-seeking and lied and schemed to her own husband to go after what she wanted.

This movie gave us a nickname for Janice Andrews. Now we just call her “The Boov”.

scornedwifeblog

A wife's personal experience of infidelity

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