adultery, affair, cheating, difficult personality, divorce, Dr. Craig Malkin, narcissism, Oprah, parenting, psychology, relationships, separation

The Secret Signs of Narcissism

I recently received, in my inbox, an email from Oprah.com with an article entitled “How to Spot the Hidden Narcissist in Your Life”.  I watched the video that teaches you how to protect yourself after identifying an narcissist by learning how to engage and when to walk away.

Beneficial to me was the coping mechanism of “catching the narcissist doing something good.”  This direction on how to approach the narcissist in your life suggests that you point out times they show caring, concern or empathy. Research shows that the more the narcissist sees they can rely on feeling good from relationships the less they turn to the addiction of needing to feel special or superior in other unhealthy ways.

I tried this.

I thanked Dave for selling the 3 coupon books that I gave him for our daughter’s dance program.  I also complimented him on selling the 10 raffle tickets I gave him to sell. I thanked him by text for getting the money back to me and then suggested that he might want to even look at buying some gift cards for places that he regularly frequents, through her dance program fundraiser, for himself and Christmas gifts. A specific percentage, depending on the company, goes back to our daughter directly. He got back to me a few days later and said he had money for the poinsettia fundraiser, too.  He gets all the fundraising emails but he has never raised funds for her before.  My response, “Wow, you did poinsettias. That is awesome. I hear they are beautiful for the price.” He asked what he had to do with the order forms and I told him that I would hand everything in for him. He mentioned that the order had to be in that day so I just asked him to email the rep and let her know it would come in the next day and make sure that was okay.  He did.

A couple of days later I asked him if he was interested in picking up our daughter from dance on a night that I had a conflict.  He didn’t respond for 3 days so I made other arrangements but then he did respond saying he would get her. The day after he picked her up I texted him saying, “Thank you for picking up (daughter’s name). I am sure she misses seeing her dad every day.”

The blurb under the video I watched has this message:

It’s not always easy to spot a narcissist, but knowing who they are can save you from heartbreak. Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, breaks down the hidden warning signs of a narcissist. Watch as he explains how they work—and how you can protect your own emotional health.

The video is only 6 minutes long and worth the view.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/own-show/How-to-Spot-the-Hidden-Narcissist-in-Your-Life#ixzz3sUMsqHFZ

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, marriage, other woman, separation

Another Nanny

When I returned to work full-time, after having my second child, we hired nannies.  My mother-in-law come to my home two days; a friend came for 2 days and another friend came for 1 day.  We also had my niece employed as a live-in nanny for 2 months during the summer.

My husband worked around the corner from where we lived and he would come home for lunch every day. Never did I think there was a chance he would come home and screw the nanny.

I often wonder how Dave and Janice feel when news breaks about a marriage or relationship ending because of an affair. I know how my daughters feel when we watch t.v. and something on the subject comes up.  I know they sometimes verbalize their disgust and disappointment or they go very quiet depending on the show and how the information unfolds. I have broken the ice with others if the mood is tense based on the cheating subject by saying something either genuine or mocking like–“been there, done that, got the T-shirt and lawyer bill as a souvenir.”  I wonder how much more awkward it would be for a husband and wife who have experienced infidelity in their marriage but stayed together. They must relive the pain all over again every time.  I know that Dave and Janice mocked the subject on Twitter. Like a Teflon frying pan, guilt and ownership just slides right off them.

I was thinking about this with the media attention surrounding Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s marriage that tore apart by Gavin’s relationship with their nanny.  I wondered if Dave and Janice think what shitty people Gavin and the nanny are?  Do they ever consider how devastating it must have been for Gwen to find out her husband had been sleeping with the nanny for 3 years, right under her nose, even while she was pregnant with one of their children? Do they think how disrespectful they were? Do they consider how sad it will be for 3 children now that their parents are divorcing because of the affair and how their lives are now set on completely different paths?

Or instead do they think, Gwen must not have been meeting her husband’s needs? They likely believe there was obviously something wrong in the marriage for Gavin to have done what he did.  Do they think how sad it is for the nanny to have her name, Mindy Mann, her face and image splashed around the media? Do they think how sad it is for the nanny and her family to have to deal with the public shaming? Do they feel badly for the nanny who went into hiding because she got found out?  Do they want to contact papers and entertainment shows to admonish them for reporting on such things screaming that, “Everyone needs to move on.” Do they think how terrible it was that another nanny ratted her out? Do they blame someone else that their sexting and the nude photos of Mindy were found on the family iPad and that the children had access to this information? Do they think it is love between Gavin and Mindy? Do they think that the affair “just happened” and that no one was looking for it? Do they see Gwen as acting like the victim when they feel she was likely the cause of it instead?

I wonder if they detach themselves from these situations and don’t see themselves in the same way that most view this ultimate betrayal.  I suspect they justify it saying things like, “Ethan Hawke married his kids’ nanny so it must be true love and meant to be.”  I bet they look on whatever positive they can muster up to justify themselves and spin it in their favour. They do , I am sure, because Dave has always excused and minimized their behaviour. They have even got their friends to rally behind them and support them on this blog. I bet they can’t even see themselves as acting exactly the way these people did.

Here is an Ethan Hawke quote, “To act all indignant that your world has been rocked because your lover wasn’t faithful to you is a little bit like acting rocked that your hair went grey.” Wow, guess the nanny shouldn’t be too comfortable in her role as his wife as he has given her fair warning what to expect along with grey hair. He has also given her a license to cheat.

When Chris Du Burgh got caught with his kid’s nanny he said, “I got caught up in something a bit like getting on a train. When I got on board it was stationary and it started moving a little faster and a little faster . . . By the time we were going at 80 mph, I realised I couldn’t jump off without getting badly hurt.”   Typical cheater mind-set.  Worried about their own hurt and using that as an excuse for the no-sense-stopping-now attitude instead of considering anyone else’s feelings and doing what is right over what feels better. To underscore this cheater’s selfishness, he fooled around on his wife (the one he wrote the song ‘Lady in Red’ for) while she was recovering from a broken neck. She probably deserved it for not being able to meet his needs at that time.

When Maria Shriver found out that her husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, fathered a child with their housekeeper and was paying the housekeeper child support (or shut-up money) she filed for divorce. Arnold said that, “A lot of people, no matter how successful or unsuccessful they are in life, make stupid choices involving sex.”

Nannies, housekeepers, coworkers–all just easy, convenient prey in the path of the lustful husband.  These women care more about what they are getting out of it than thinking of anyone else.  Do these women have such low self-worth they can’t say ‘no’ or do they have zero morals and values and feel entitled to have whatever they want or whoever is desperate enough to take them? Do they really think that they must be better than the wife and that it is love? Is it all just selfishness and greed? Ben Affleck’s nanny was seen driving a new Lexus after he and Jennifer Garner split because of her. Robin Williams’ marriage ended when he fooled around with his son’s nanny.  The nanny got promoted to be his personal assistant and then moved up the ranks to wife #2. Janice’s quality of life increased with my husband. Janice’s husband was even one of the people who told me that.

Jude Law was engaged to Sienna Miller when he got caught fooling around with the nanny for his kids from his first marriage. His response: “I am deeply ashamed and upset that I’ve hurt Sienna and the people most close to us.”  Really? He’s fathered a couple of kids with flings since. Interesting how woman are less cautious with birth control when their partner has more than they do. Probably why my ex was so anxious to get a vasectomy in the year before I know that he was having an affair. Wonder who was before Janice or at least who he was hoping was before Janice. I am convinced he just threw out the net and pulled in whatever he could.

These nannies do not love the children they are caring for otherwise these types of affairs would never happen. Who can say they love the kids and then go and sleep with one of their parents in secrecy and deception. The nannies may as well have cut the head off the family pet, too. They love themselves first and that is probably it. Dave likes to say that our children are fine with Janice. He thinks they are forgiving and get along great with her. He thinks they have a relationship. Janice will never love my children. You can’t love someone when the only reason they are in your life is because you chose to selfishly fuck them over. My kids do what they have to do in order to have some type of relationship with their dad. Janice does what she does in order to try and look good to Dave. She never bought my younger daughter anything until this Thanksgiving but she tried to win over my older daughter with gifts for her birthday the last 2 years and Christmas. She treats my older daughter noticeably better in front of my younger daughter and both my kids know this. It is all surface level interaction. Janice can’t even put aside her own feelings and insecurities to treat my children fairly and equally. She gave my older daughter a box of food to take to university. I ended up bringing most of it all back home and donating it to the food bank. My daughter hates cereal and nuts. The box was filled with the cereal bars, granola bars, chocolate bars with nuts and there were other things my daughter would never eat.  She wouldn’t even keep the food to give to her new dorm mates. If Janice really cared about even my older daughter she might have asked her what food she liked or actually would want to spend time getting to know her. The other woman’s focus is only on pleasing herself and making sure she has what she wants.  The cheating spouse thinks the focus is all on him.  Only because she is getting what she wants through him.

I have “No Doubt” that there will be another nanny.  And what makes them feel so secure?  If the husband is able to fool the wife for 3 years, why would the nanny, Janice or any other woman out there think they won’t get the same treatment in return? Take whatever you can selfishly grab now because there is unfortunately always another woman out there ready to spread her legs or open her mouth for the next promotion and there is always a man who will say what he needs to or spend what he has to for sex. And men, these woman will just as easily leave you when a bigger carrot is dangled in their face.

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, Energy, Healing, separation

My Own, Personal, Shaman

I experienced something quite unique and special.

I had been up since 3:15 a.m.  I had a very busy morning and was coming back from Land’s End into Sidney for a banking appointment. It was 1:00 p.m. and I suddenly needed to eat right away.  I went into one of my favourite, regular, cafes, ordered at the counter and then went to find a seat.  If you don’t arrive at Toast Café in Sidney before noon you are hard-pressed to find a seat, let alone a table. It was after the lunch rush so I was able to find space at a table with some other people.

While I was waiting for my food, a lady walked in and was looking around at my table.  She eyed the seat where I had set my purse and sweater.  There were other seats available including a full bank of stools along a counter looking outside to a gorgeous, sunny day.  She kept staring at the seat beside me so I asked her if she wanted to sit with me.  She said that she did.

She said she felt like she was back travelling when she shared space eating with strangers. I told her about a fond dining memory I had from university. I would visit my boyfriend in Montreal and we would go to this very busy, Jewish. deli with amazing food.  Part of the ambience included sitting at long picnic tables dining with everyone else. It was loud and at first I found it odd and uncomfortable and even annoying to hear other’s conversations and for them to hear mine. It turned out though to be a really fun and energetic way to dine and a great way to meet some interesting people and be part of something bigger than just 2 people eating together.

When our food arrived we had ordered the same thing–vegetarian chili. We talked about random things while enjoying our lunch.  She shared that she lived 50% in Victoria and 50% in Hawaii. She has businesses on both islands working as a spiritual healer.  I was very interested about her Hawaii experiences and her opinion of the best place to live and vacation.  She explained that she had to move back to Victoria because she suffered a serious automobile accident 3 years ago. Then she asked me if I had something traumatic happened to me 3 years ago.

I told her that my husband starting having an affair with another woman around that time. She said, “Yes.  He made you feel very inadequate about all you were doing and weren’t doing. When he got involved with this other woman he brought up her confidence level which in turn elevated his own confidence. It was just energy moving around but our minds interpret it differently.  He still loved you and he was able to live two lives for awhile but the more he focused his energy on her he was no longer able to vibrate any positive energy towards you. You reacted to what you were feeling and then he felt that he had no choice but to make a move. You were completed blind-sided.”

I stared at her dumb-founded.

She said, “I don’t mean to read your aura but you are continuing to be dragged down by him. You need to rid yourself of anything that you have still in your possession that you both shared together.  It all contains negative energy for you. When you do this you will shift to a different level and will realize you want all new things anyways. That includes blankets and towels.  Give that stuff away.”

I do have an excess of blankets and towels.  I gave away so many when I moved but my linen closet overflows.  I went from 4 bathrooms to 1 bathroom and my towels are all in very good condition.  The ones that are more worn I take to yoga with me. I love blankets and I use them all the time but some were my moms or gifts that I am holding on to that I never use. The ones I love and use regularly are on my couch but I have a pile sitting on top of a chair of ones that I might use and still more in a wardrobe just in case. Even my girls have plenty of their own blankets in their room.

She said, “You have daughters,…two.”  I paused to think if I had mentioned this to her. I hadn’t. While I was thinking she said, “The older daughter, she has had trouble.” I named both of my girls, still answering her first statement that I have two daughters. After I said their names she picked my older daughter’s name and said, “She is the one.”  She continued, “She is a lot like you.” After that, I have to say that I don’t remember what specifics she told me about my daughter.  I feel like it should be important for me to remember but I have to say that I was rather in shock she was reciting my life back to me and I wish now I had taken notes or turned on the recorder in my phone.

The other thing that I know she said was that she used to be a financial advisor before working full-time as a healer.  She told me this because she gave me financial advice but I cannot remember what she said. I know she did give me the name of a place to use as storage, Eddy’s,  that she said was cheaper than the locker that I have now to store things like Christmas decorations, sleeping bags, camping items, tools and other things that I don’t use on a daily basis and that I can’t keep stored where I am living.  I feel like she probably told me to just get rid of it all. I am sure she did because she said, “Start now, not a month from now.”

She then said to me, “Do you have sinus problems?” She started to sniff and clear her throat a bit and coughed while rubbing under her eyes.  I said, “I have allergies.” She said that she didn’t have a cold or any sinus issues but she was taking on my symptoms.  I swear I did not sniff once or blow my nose in her presence. She said that it had to do with me needing to rid myself of things.  It was congested energy that needed to be released.

She said that I was very cute.  She said this a couple of times and commented that because I am cute I can hide behind what is really going on.  She said that I don’t ask for help when I really need help. She said, “Because you are cute no one can see your stress.  You don’t show it in your face or with your weight.” I laughed and said, “Oh yes I do. I need to lose 40 lbs. I eat my emotions.” She said, “But you’re cute, you get away with it; however it can still turn into disease for you. Your personality is full of light but darkness is weighing you down. I have a gift and can read this.”

I have to say that I didn’t understand what she was meaning about me being cute and how I am hiding things with “cuteness” but I remembered a text my friend sent me in September that I didn’t understand at the time that read: “Your sweet defensiveness doesn’t fool me, nor do I think you’re aware you even do it. It’s all so natural for you. Years of systematic emotional abuse by Dave…I’m really sorry.”  I went and re-read that text after my encounter with this healer.  In our texting conversation preceding my friend’s remark, I was basically saying that I am fine and she didn’t need to worry about me.

The healer then told me I don’t drink enough water.  I told her I drink a ton of water but it never quenches my thirst. She said, “Stop drinking diet coke and you’ll lose 10 lbs.” That surprised me.  I was not drinking diet coke with my meal so there was no way for her to know that. I told her I crave it constantly. She asked me how many I drink a day and told me that it is my ego that wants diet coke and not to give in.  She said that she knows I eat really healthy and she can see I am trying. She told me to go for walks, give away my excess towels and blankets, go cold turkey on the diet coke and I will lose the weight.

My new friend told me when I start to think of my ex that I should move my eyes from side to side as though I am wiping a slate clean.  She said that will erase any memories.  She told me not to do it too quickly or I could have a nervous break down.

She told me that she oddly gave up a $200 appointment with a cancer patient she is working with in order to come into the café.  She spoke to her on the phone and gave her some advice but told her she sounded good, was making progress and didn’t really need the appointment anyway until after she worked on implementing some of the advice she was given over the phone. She said that she tries to get her clients first to do as much work on their own as they can and then she comes to help with the rest.  She told her cancer patient that she had to cancel their appointment because she really needed to eat something. She said that she didn’t think our meeting was just by chance. I believe that as well.

She told me that she is a First Nations shaman. Her name is Cheryl Dawn. She said that she has the gift of being able to read people and provide healing. She told me some of the different things that she does using Reiki and crystals. I asked if she had a card. She shared some of the events she had coming up and I thought one of her group activities might be something worth exploring. I will contact her again, however, I know I better get rid of towels and blankets before I do!

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adultery, affairs, cheating, children, divorce, separation, Sex, Swinging

Horror on the Hill

For the past 3 years, I have gone to my friend (M’s) Halloween party. It is his favourite time of year and this year coincided with the celebration of his 50th birthday party.

He lives on a hill that over looks the ocean and elaborately decorates his home like a haunted house, hence the title of his invitation, ‘Horror on the Hill’.  His bathroom has bloody foot prints on the floor; body parts and a knife in the tub with blood all over; a bloody shower curtain with bloody hand prints on it; a mirror behind the toilet with audible, laughing, scary, faces; and music playing creepy movie scenes like Psycho. It still unnerves me to hear the shower turn on and the stabbing music start. There is also a little, creepy girl voice saying, “I see you”.

Elsewhere around the upstairs is police tape around an area with a zombie like creature in a wheel chair wielding a knife, dancing skeletons projected on one of the walls, a guy you actually pull a breaker switch to watch violently riling back and forth as he is shocked to death in an electric chair, a 7-foot tall moving Frankenstein, skulls and spiders that move up and down the wall, mirrors with changing faces, a book that has a feather pen that talks and writes out a scary message, a cat that jumps at you, and a giant werewolf.

Outside, he has an incredible array of creepy decorations throughout his gardens.  On his lawn there are huge blow ups as well as large mummies in coffins standing up and lying down. On the front porch a young zombie girl moves back and forth on a swing with her head turning side to side and her eyes lit up singing very eerily, “La la la la la la”. The theme is carried through to the food, the dishes, glasses and every detail throughout the house.

M loves to dance and he is very good. He has mirrors on one wall of his living room and I joke that he probably just goes in and watches himself dance. He admits that he does. The best part of the party is that his tenant is a DJ and sets up an entire DJ booth with video player, strobe lights, a skeleton mirror disco ball hanging from the ceiling and the entire living room is turned into a giant dance floor.  This year, in honour of M’s 50th birthday, there was live music, too, with a reggae singer and hip hop artists.

M has always come across as very sexual to me. He has an amazing body.  He is over 6 feet tall and all muscle. He loves to wear Halloween costumes that show off his athletic physique and he is very comfortable in form fitting outfits, bare chest and legs. He changes his costumes throughout the night. We have a strictly platonic relationship but he is very teasing, playful, touchy and always asks specifics about my sex life.  We joke a lot but we also share deep, personal, painful, and honest emotions with one another.  His wife had an affair with his best friend. His wife lied to the police about him and when she was found out she lost custody of their children. My friend was awarded full custody but he is amazingly compassionate and forgiving and offered his wife a 50/50 split so their children had a chance of actually having a relationship with their mom. He is very generous to me. He has been my knight in shining armour rescuing me when my car got towed and taking me to lunches and dinners always finding ways to never let me pay.  He’s come to yoga with me. We both have a sweet tooth so find reasons to go for treats and laugh when we run into each other in local bakeries. He knows my lawyer and on the day I was walking over to court with her  M called her on her cell phone to tell her that he especially hoped she did well in court today for my sake. He even offered to call my ex to share with him his court experience, to offer any assistance and to even act as a mediator.  Whenever I am having a particularly difficult day with my ex I hear M’s words, “Dave is just being Dave” and it calms me in the storm that Dave is creating all around me.

This year, I went to his party with my girl friend, her boyfriend and another couple who are close friends of mine.  We are all fairly conservative and remarked that there was quite a lot of slutty costumes this year.  There were breasts hanging out, bare stomachs, fishnets, garters and stockings, bra tops, skirts that barely covered and even a man wearing a onesie with his butt hanging out the back. The party seemed even more crowded and as I was going into the kitchen I was stopped behind 3 people who were arranging a three-some. I shared with my friends what I had just overheard. The one girl involved with the arranging was dressed as a slutty police officer. She talked to me throughout the night with a sexy whisper, would wink at me from across the room and suggested to me that I check out Elvis because he was really sexy.

My friends and I all took a break from the dance floor and went into another room. I sat on one couch with my girlfriend and her husband and my other girlfriend and her boyfriend sat across from us.  When her boyfriend got up another man came and sat down beside her.  He was dressed as a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit. He was the husband of the slutty police officer. My girlfriend and he were quite chatty with each other. Then the slutty police officer came and sat down with them.  My friends beside me on the couch joked that they were going to invite my girlfriend for a 3-some.

Slutty police officer was now sitting across from me.  My girlfriend whispered, “I don’t mean to be vulgar but you are going to see pussy in a minute.”  Her skirt was that short. Her cleavage was so plentiful and revealing that my friend also whispered to me that she saw nipple.  By this point we are really entertaining ourselves people watching. A very drunk French maid decided to get down on her hands and knees in front of us and show us how she could balance on her hands with her knees on her elbows. While this was going on a very tiny girl came in with a man in a suit. We were told a contortionist/fire eater was coming but I already saw a girl carrying a hula hoop with places for the torches to be set on fire on the hoop.  Turns out this new girl was just one of 2 strippers that gifted my friend with quite the performance. He apologized to me afterwards saying that the grinding to his face was a bit much but what else could he do when everyone was there watching.  He had to act polite.  I joked with him that I could tell it was a terribly unpleasant experience for him. Then he showed my girlfriend’s husband photos of him and a girl on his phone that he wouldn’t show me.

I was back on the dance floor when my girlfriend and her boyfriend came to find me announcing, “We are at a swingers party.”  When my girlfriend was sitting with the slutty police officer’s husband on the couch he shared with her that his wife was making out with the host. He didn’t say the host’s name so my girlfriend said, “You don’t know M?” He told her that his wife met him on line and invited her to his party because there would be at least 10 swinging couples here. The prisoner-costumed guy received a text while he was talking to my friend and commented, “That was fast.” He told my friend his wife was able to arrange a hook up with the host. Then slutty police lady came back and sat on the couch pouting.  She was now in a bad mood because she said that she couldn’t hook up with the host because he wanted her to go to places she wouldn’t go. I wondered what places a girl like that wouldn’t go and then I wondered what the heck my friend was into that slutty police officer wouldn’t take part. My friend and her boyfriend ended up calling a cab for the slutty police officer and her prisoner husband. She was very upset that she didn’t think she was going to have sex (even though she had arranged the 3-some I overheard with mermaid girl and her husband). Prisoner husband decided they would leave saying, “Don’t worry Honey, we’ll go to the Sticky Wicket and we’ll get you laid.”

Once I was aware what was actually going on I saw things more clearly. Groups coming out of bedrooms, people going downstairs (my married friends dared me to go down), men and women fondling each other and grinding all over the dance floor, partners that I thought were together were now clearly with other people, too, people making eye contact with me maybe waiting for some  signal or for me to invite them over or for me to approach them.

When I went home I checked out the website where my friend apparently is a member. I remembered my husband telling me in the year before our separation about his friend and wife who shared partners and I remembered meeting friends of theirs where I was told later the husband is one of two men who got a girl pregnant that he cheated on his wife with and he was waiting for a paternity test to see if it was him. I remember telling my husband that he better not be on his friend’s boat without me. I wondered if he and Janice might now be apart of this group as I remembered finding the emails after my separation that he wanted to have 3-somes with my closest friends. Maybe that is why Janice sends my ex sexy photos of other women even publicly on Twitter. My husband shared with me different stories about the unhappiness in his friend’s marriage and about his friend waking up on their boat in one stateroom and looking across to the other stateroom seeing his friend groping his wife and her staring off blankly while this was going on. I asked what he did.  My husband said he just turned over and went back to bed. I told my husband that I didn’t know why he would feel anything about seeing that when he chose to introduce other partners into their sex life.  It is just a license to allow cheating.

I am having dinner with my friend, M, next week to celebrate his actual 50th birthday. We have spoke a couple of times since his party but I haven’t let him know yet that I learned he might be a swinger. I will when we go for dinner. No judgement. I want this man to continue to be a part of my life. I just have concerns that he is maybe being pulled in a direction that is taking him further away from what he is really looking for. Then again, this may just be another example in my life that you never really know who people are or what they really think, feel or want for their life.

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adultery, Betrayal, Bible, cheating, children, Christianity, deceit, divorce, God, infidelity, lies, other woman, separation

David and Bathsheba

The reason I think that commenter “Sally” is most likely my husband is because his (Sally’s) arguments for himself (Sally) are always skewed in the most narcissistic way showing himself favour and steering away from anything that points negatively in his direction.

He (Sally) commented October 26, 2015, under the “What are you trying to create” post:

   “King David was an adulterer. Even had the husband of the woman he desired killed for his own benefit. God still loved him and he was thought of as being a man after God’s own heart. One of Israel’s greatest Kings.”

My husband is trying to justify and defend his act of adultery by suggesting that God sees things differently than those of us who have been betrayed by the same act. He tries to minimize his infidelity and elevate himself higher than King David by pointing out that he at least didn’t kill Janice’s husband.  But what my husband chooses to ignore is how God really felt about David’s actions and the devastating resulting consequences of his adultery. Just as Satan and the Pharisees did before David Cherrie, he twists scripture to his benefit to build a case for arguing that cheating is no big deal.

King David and Bathsheba is a sad story showing how sin can start, the depths one will go to in order to deceive and hide their sin for their own protection and that the sinner can’t even recognize his own actions needing the help of others to point it out.

The story is found in 2 Samuel 11 – 12.

How did God really feel about David’s act of adultery?

“But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.” (2 Samuel 11:27)

“This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.” (2 Samuel 12: 7-9)

Consequences?

Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’”11 “This is what the Lord says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. 12 You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’”…because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.” (2 Samuel 12:10-12)

There are comparisons to be made between King David and David Cherrie.  In Samuel 11:1, we learn that King David was supposed to be off at war with his men, yet we find him instead in the comfort of his palace and bed.  When he saw Bathsheba bathing he didn’t turn away. Instead, he inquired about her and was told she was married yet sent for her and slept with her anyway.  In the same way, David Cherrie was supposed to be either working or home with his family. Yet he made up lies to go and be with Janice instead. He knew she was in a 12-year common-law relationship yet he pursued her anyways.  In the same way Janice can be compared to Bathsheba. They both did inappropriate things to get noticed by their pursuer. Both knowingly betrayed their husband and slept with each David then went back home to their spouse.  Both Davids were superiors in their lives taking advantage of their position, King and boss.

After King David found out Bathsheba was pregnant he tried to get her husband to go home and sleep with her so he would think the baby was his own. But Uriah was too loyal to King David and his men who were fighting in war and stayed with the servants at the palace gate instead of going to eat, drink and sleep with his wife. King David tried to get him drunk the next night for the same purpose but Uriah remained faithful to his King and his men. When that didn’t work King David sent him to the front line to fight and be killed. Other men went to help him fight so innocent lives in King David’s army were killed too. David Cherrie was equally as desperate to cover up his adultery in the lies he told and accusations he tried to place on me. He had no problem slaughtering innocent lives like his wife, children, family, friends, Janice’s husband and their family and friends just to keep up his life of sin and to keep his adultery hidden.

Both David Cherrie and King David were cold as stone afterwards.  King David’s response to the death of Uriah and the innocent men who were fighting for him is, “Don’t be upset. The sword devours one as well as another.”  David Cherrie’s response was “Everybody saw it coming. I’ve been unhappy for 8 years.” Both statements are just callous misrepresentations of the true motive to justify their selfish actions.

It took the prophet Nathan to come to King David to share a parable about another terribly selfish and cruel man for King David to understand how God viewed his adultery. King David was indignant by Nathan’s story and his response reveals what he thinks his own punishment should be for his act of adultery, “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” (2 Samuel 12:5-6)  Nathan’s response is, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:7)

God kept his word. Although David Cherrie will only see the good in King David and the blessings in his life and want to compare himself to King David suggesting all was well in his life post-affair, that is not true. God let the baby son of King David and Bathsheba die 7 days after he was born. God did not bless their sin. Amnon, David’s eldest son by Ahinoam (1 Chron. 3:1), raped his half-sister, Tamar. Two years afterward, Absalom, the king’s son by Maacah (2 Sam. 3:3), had Amnon murdered (2 Sam. 13). Then, later, Absalom “stole the hearts of the men of Israel,” rebelled against his father, and was ultimately killed by Joab (2 Sam. 18). Prior to being killed, Absalom rose up against King David causing him to have to flee the palace. Interestingly, Absalom pitched his tent on King David’s roof (the same place King David had watched Bathsheba bathe) and then took all of David’s concubine for his own in front of everyone. And even after David’s death, Adonijah, the king’s son by Haggith (2 Sam. 3:4), was slain by Solomon (1 Kgs. 2:24-25). A truly bloody price was paid for King David’s lust and violence.

Fast forward to the new testament when Matthew chronicles the genealogy of Christ.  Matthew 1:6 logs, “and Jesse the father of King David. David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife”. Centuries later it is recorded that Solomon was the product of adultery. Bathsheba’s name isn’t even mentioned as his mother because she rightfully belonged to someone else and we are reminded of this fact by her husband’s name appearing instead.

In summary, David Cherrie wants to gloss over his adultery and believe it is okay; that God will turn a blind eye. It is not acceptable in the eyes of God nor in the eyes of the majority of people who know what he did. David Cherrie may very well be the modern day King David. God certainly blessed him with everything he wanted and yet his ingratitude, greed, selfishness and lust led him away from God. There has never been any repentance by David Cherrie. I wonder what agonizing consequences will continue to follow David and Janice as a result of their adultery. Like it took the prophet Nathan to show King David who he really is especially in the eyes of God, it may take the comments of other people on this blog to be prophets in David Cherrie’s life by sharing their stories about the hurt of adultery and by continuing to comment on posts with their insights and truths. David and Janice are reading it. Maybe one day they will actually see themselves as they really are and take responsibility for their actions. Even if they don’t, it is recorded here for history.

*Thank you Wayne Jackson for helping me to easily summarize the consequences of David’s sin from the Christian Courier in your article, “Does the Case of David and Bathsheba Justify Adultery Today?”

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adultery, Betrayal, cheating, children, divorce, God, loss, Security, separation

Lacking

Two of my single, male friends spoke to me recently about their concern that I have “nothing” to my name.  They are both 4 and 5 years older than I am. One has never been married nor had children, has a $800,000 house fully paid and operates his own business. I am guessing he has some pension money from his previous employment as well as retirement savings.  The other has lost a lot financially through the divorce process, has 2 children, no consistent employment, and has medical issues that interfere with his earning potential. He relies on his father’s generosity and his financial plan is an inheritance. They both have entirely different financial situations and yet they both feel secure in their financial future and they both consider themselves better off than me.

Financial security was one of my biggest losses as a result of divorce and this loss terrified me the most.  When you have an ex who has already “moved on” before you are aware that divorce is even a possibility let alone a reality there is no time to weigh out and consider options. You are behind the eight ball and all you can do is act  to make the right decisions to protect you and your children.

Ellen DeGeneres said in a recent interview about the cost of publicly declaring she was gay on her sitcom: “It was hard but it was great because I lost my career for 3 years, I lost my money, I lost everything and I got to be stripped down of everything and start all over again. It was a wonderful gift to be able to start all over again and to realize I was strong enough and talented enough to come back…To lose it all and start over again, that was a good thing. I’m just saying it is all right now.  It wasn’t at the time. It was horrible at the time.”

I feel as though I have gained in other respects. I have no mortgage and I have no debt. I don’t have a home that I have to maintain with things that require repair or replacement. I don’t have property taxes. I have eliminated some of the bills that I had to worry about before like hydro, gas, water/sewage and garbage pick up as those utilities are included in my rent.  My insurance costs have dropped. I no longer have as many time consuming chores. I don’t have grass to water and cut, weeds to pull, bushes to trim, outside windows to clean, or as much space to clean inside.

At this point. I do have children and pets to consider, but if I chose, I am able to go where ever I want to go and do whatever I want to do. If I want to move, I can, very easily with little expense. Possessions to me now are only anchors. It is my goal to rid myself of anything that doesn’t hold significant meaning or bring me great joy. Minimalism, lightness, and space is my new goal.

Financial security can be a trap. It, like my marriage, can be an illusion of something that only exists in your mind or on paper. Any security I felt in my marriage and with my financial stability was false. One decision out of your control or even a poor decision within your control, a disaster, or country and world problems can leave you with nothing. The more you think you have, the more you feel the loss and the harder it is to recover.

The two friends who spoke to me are stuck staying in jobs they don’t love. One laments of the win fall financial position he would be in if he were still married yet he was miserable and unloved. Both my friends are tied to the cities they currently reside likely until they die. I have an opportunity now to really determine what I want, where I want to be, and what will bring me joy. I moved here for my husband. I have zero regrets but now I get to live for me.

I believe that everything I have is a gift from God.  If he wants me to have less, I will have less.  If he wants me to have more, I will have more. I am grateful for all he has given me and all that I do have right now. I am excited, though, to see what God has in store for me. There has been great change in my life and I believe there is a reason behind it. I am preparing for wherever he wants to take me next. I plan to be ready.

I have an abundance of what really matters to me in life. My children are healthy and doing well. I am healthy and doing well.  I have a body that is nourished, strong, pain free and mobile. I feel safe. I have a well of friends and family who I can draw from on a daily basis. I am able to give to the food bank, to charities, and donate items and my time and resources to help others. I feel joyful and happy despite my circumstances.  I laugh all the time.  I have hope. I have options.

There are great lessons to be learned from my experience.  Ellen Degeneres, in the same interview as above also said, ” Unfortunately, the bad things are the greatest teachers and you have to be grateful for them.” I am more mindful and live in the moment. What my future looked like in my mind before is completely different.  I can’t even picture my future anymore and that is maybe one lesson.  What I saw before never existed. Maybe even limiting. My future is a blank space. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have a future. I can still hope and dream. It only means that all that matters and is real is right now.

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cheating, children, divorce, infidelity, Love, separation, the other woman

Homecoming

I was very excited to pick up my daughter last Friday night for her first weekend home after leaving for university.  She took the ferry from Vancouver back to Victoria for the Thanksgiving long weekend.  Her roommate was supposed to come with her.  We had a lot of plans to show her roommate around Victoria for the first time but she had the stomach flu and wasn’t able to travel.

My daughter and I stayed up past 3:00 a.m. talking.  She was very emotional coming home. She cried when she saw her pets. She knows that my dog died when I was at university living away from home and her roommate just received the same sad news. It is one of my daughter’s biggest fears.  She asked me to please make sure I call her to come home and say goodbye if any of our pets needed to be put down.

She also cried about her past mistakes.  She says she has no regrets but I know her wounds run very deep and she has scars that will remain constant reminders.  She says she doesn’t feel the need to experiment with anything now and she thinks she will choose boyfriends more wisely.  I told her that I didn’t understand her choices to remain with people who were harming her on many levels or to make decisions with so little care for the well-being of her own body.

She said, “Mom, I clearly had daddy issues.”

I told her that I understood how terribly hurt she was by her dad’s behaviour but she only ended up hurting herself more.  Why did she choose to punish herself? I feel so remorseful over things she went through and don’t know if there was anything that I could have said or done differently to prevent it all.  I certainly tried.  I tried to get her in counseling, tried to involve her dad for help and support, was at her school regularly and on the phone with her home room advisor, counselors and even arranged a meeting with all of her teachers and dad to try to get her back focused on school. Living with her dad only allowed her to get into more trouble.  She liked being there because there was no parental involvement.  She said it was like having her own place; she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted.

She thinks she came out of it all okay. She thinks she has a better relationship with her dad and with me.  I don’t think she is okay. I think it is a child’s justification. I still see some concerning behaviour. I don’t see her relationship with either parent as “better”. The relationships are just more “real”. The parent/child lines blurred and disappeared. We all displayed and exposed human nature at it’s most real, flawed, frightening, vulnerable, ugly, wounded, hurt, sad, selfish, scared and out of control.  I wasn’t able to protect my daughter from anything. I couldn’t even protect myself from the decisions of my husband. She lost every bit of security she knew when her parents were no longer a solid, unified front and her family foundation crumbled.

Then she started to cry for her sister. She said that she is so afraid her sister is going to do what she did. She said she loves her sister so much and tells everyone how much she respects her.  She doesn’t want anything negative to happen to her. She mourned for her sister’s relationship with her dad.  She sobbed, “Mom, you did not deserve to have happen what dad did to you. Dad is such an asshole and you are so much better off without him.” Then she hugged her dog and said, “You hate Janice, don’t you, Bingo. You hate her, too.” Then she went on to cry, “But I am not sad for you, mom, and I am not sad for me.  I am sad for (sister’s name).” And she just cried.

She said that her sister hates her dad. I told her that wasn’t true.  She said that her sister is Team Robyn and lets Janice and her dad know it to their face.  I told her that her sister protects her dad to me, too.  However, I told my daughter that her dad has also let her sister down time and time again (which she nodded and said she knew) and that it is not her responsibility to fight for her dad and sister’s relationship.  I let her know that I had done that repeatedly to no avail and had to just let it go. It hurts me equally to see her dad ignore her and choose other people and things over our child but all I can do now is let her dad know he can see her whenever he wants and I am there when he choses not to see her.

Thanksgiving weekend was “his” weekend.  And yet, he played hockey Friday night instead of picking our youngest daughter up from dance and having dinner with her or getting our older daughter from the ferry. He had his own plans all day on Saturday.  He saw the girls for 4 hours on Sunday and then didn’t see them at all on the Monday holiday.  And that was “his” weekend.

I told my daughter that she could only be responsible for her relationship with her dad and her relationship with her sister. As an example I shared with her that I knew how she helped her sister when her dad did not. I told her how much her sister appreciated her staying with her during their kayaking excursion when their dad took them back to Ontario in the summer.  My younger daughter had never been kayaking before and yet her dad put her in a single kayak on a very choppy day on Lake Huron.  Dave and Janice went in a double kayak together.  My younger daughter told me she was crying, kept getting pushed back into shore, was last and very far behind everyone else.  She told me it was her sister that stayed with her the most and that her dad kept yelling at her what she was supposed to be doing instead of actually doing anything to help her or be with her.  Her cousin, who also went out with them, told her afterwards that she sucked. It was the worst experience. Her dad had no consideration at all for her needs or her safety and he was not in the least bit loving, patient, concerned or helpful. I told my older daughter that she can’t be there to protect her sister all the time but I was so grateful that she was there that day to help her.

Thanksgiving weekend made me so thankful for both of my children. On Saturday, we went out for breakfast and the waitress commented that we were having way too much fun for one table. We did a bit of shopping, watched a movie, ate together, played a board game together and all 3 of us stayed up until 1:30 a.m. We made breakfast on Sunday and lounged around all in the same room just hanging out talking and watching t.v. We made cookies, looked at old photographs and laughed so much. Sunday night they went out with their dad but got dropped off at my girlfriend’s house, where I went for dinner.  On Monday, again we spent the entire day together. We wanted to go to a new corn maze that a local farm just had designed this year but it was raining and windy. I took my younger daughter to her tap solo practice and then we made brunch, relaxed all day and spent the evening with another family for Thanksgiving dinner. I drove my daughter to the ferry Tuesday morning and she thanked me repeatedly for the weekend we shared.

My daughter is doing very well at university.  She has met many new friends, loves her roommate, loves her classes, has gone out with my nieces who live in Vancouver a couple of times, is trying new activities, loves her campus and school but most of all I think she loved coming home.

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