adultery, cheating, divorce, infidelity, marriage, separation, the other woman

Getting Remarried

I attended my first wedding since separating from my husband.

It was the second wedding for both the bride and the groom. I wondered if I would be at all cynical for the exchanging of vows between 2 people promising to be faithful, for better or for worse, and until death parts them. After all, they likely spoke those same words to other people but never kept their promise.

Making it odder for me was the fact that I knew the bride’s previous husband and his new wife. There was talk by guests at the wedding, who didn’t know that I knew the bride’s ex-husband and his new wife, that he had an affair and that was what ended the marriage. I know that to be true.

I was reminded at the wedding that my husband actually stumbled over his vows during the part where he was asked to repeat, “I promise to be faithful.” Laughter came from the pews because of his stumble on our wedding day 21 years ago. My husband explained afterwards that he paused only because he thought the minister was not finished speaking. Now I wonder if he knew then that he had no intention of staying true to his vow and wonder if he cheated in the 4 years we lived together before getting married. I remember some very specific lies he told when we first started dating. Why was that not a huge red flag to me?

I had a lot of fun at the wedding. I was truly happy for the couple. They looked beautiful. They have rhyming names. They are both kind-hearted, fun, generous people who deserve a partnership full of love and respect. At this point they seem to have that in their relationship. I pray it continues for the rest of their lives.

As for me, I have no desire for that in my future. I will never trust anyone with my entire life again. I don’t feel sad thinking that way even though I know how much I valued and loved my marriage and my husband and how much it benefited the security, peace and well-being of our children. I think it is wisdom. Live and learn.

I want my freedom more than anything else.  When I am not doing everything for my children, I want to be doing everything for me. Selfish? I thought about that but usually what I want to do benefits other people. I have so many friends: married, single, divorced, separated, male, female, working, not working, parents, no kids, etc. and I am loving my time with all of them. I keep meeting more and more people and am getting to know others who were just acquaintances before on a deeper level.  My life is full. I don’t ever want my life to be about only one other person’s needs–a husband. That absolutely makes me cringe to think about it. I want to spend my life doing what I want, with who I want, when I want.

My friend said it well: “It takes a really, really great guy to be better than no guy.”

adultery, affair, Betrayal, cheating, control, divorce

Spider Solitaire

When I need to relax and clear my mind or just escape from the heavy to-do-list, Spider Solitaire is my go to distraction.

It is a difficult game to win. There are a lot of moves to make. There are choices and options. I know I sometimes miss things because I am impatient and move too fast. Sometimes I am so unsure and so eager for a window of opportunity that I wait for the computer to cue me on whether a move is available or whether I do in fact need to draw more cards. I can get very tense when I am down to my last draw and then there are times I am filled with relief and gratitude when I think there are no more moves only to find out I still have cards left in my draw pile.

When I lose, I usually just play a new game with a whole new deck but lately I have been replaying the same game over, especially if I think I am close to being able to match the King through Ace all in the same suit in a single line, to see if I can change the outcome.

The replay of the same game does in fact end differently. Randomly, I just choose differently without remembering what I did in the game I just finished playing. Sometimes, I remember a specific choice I made and choose differently. I sometimes succeed in completing a set based on these different decisions. This sparks my optimism that I can in fact match 7 more lines. For the most part though, regardless of the changes, the final outcome remains the same. It still results as a loss in my statistics.

As in life, you are dealt your cards and you play them as best you can. If the cards you need are buried and you are not able to access them no matter how hard you try and no matter which decisions you make it seems futile. I think it is a worthwhile practice to see if you can make the deck work for you. I never fold and quit even if the end is inevitable. I may play quicker with less care and mindfulness but I see it through.

Why do I continue to play a game that is so difficult? The main reason is that I enjoy it. It is a challenge but it is fun. The more I play, the more I am learning that some moves are more wise and give me better odds than other moves. I also know that sometimes it doesn’t matter what I do. If the cards aren’t in my favour my effort doesn’t make a difference. I always have hope of a win. To be given a second, third, hundredth, thousandth chance with a brand new deck feels very good. Starting again feels very good. It is exciting and fortuitous to be dealt a brand new set of cards with a whole new set of possibilities. Every new deck signifies a fresh start to achieve the outcome we all want–a win! It gives me great pleasure to hear those fireworks go off when I accomplish success and match all 8 lines! And when that doesn’t happen, I try again.