I attended my first wedding since separating from my husband.

It was the second wedding for both the bride and the groom. I wondered if I would be at all cynical for the exchanging of vows between 2 people promising to be faithful, for better or for worse, and until death parts them. After all, they likely spoke those same words to other people but never kept their promise.

Making it odder for me was the fact that I knew the bride’s previous husband and his new wife. There was talk by guests at the wedding, who didn’t know that I knew the bride’s ex-husband and his new wife, that he had an affair and that was what ended the marriage. I know that to be true.

I was reminded at the wedding that my husband actually stumbled over his vows during the part where he was asked to repeat, “I promise to be faithful.” Laughter came from the pews because of his stumble on our wedding day 21 years ago. My husband explained afterwards that he paused only because he thought the minister was not finished speaking. Now I wonder if he knew then that he had no intention of staying true to his vow and wonder if he cheated in the 4 years we lived together before getting married. I remember some very specific lies he told when we first started dating. Why was that not a huge red flag to me?

I had a lot of fun at the wedding. I was truly happy for the couple. They looked beautiful. They have rhyming names. They are both kind-hearted, fun, generous people who deserve a partnership full of love and respect. At this point they seem to have that in their relationship. I pray it continues for the rest of their lives.

As for me, I have no desire for that in my future. I will never trust anyone with my entire life again. I don’t feel sad thinking that way even though I know how much I valued and loved my marriage and my husband and how much it benefited the security, peace and well-being of our children. I think it is wisdom. Live and learn.

I want my freedom more than anything else.  When I am not doing everything for my children, I want to be doing everything for me. Selfish? I thought about that but usually what I want to do benefits other people. I have so many friends: married, single, divorced, separated, male, female, working, not working, parents, no kids, etc. and I am loving my time with all of them. I keep meeting more and more people and am getting to know others who were just acquaintances before on a deeper level.  My life is full. I don’t ever want my life to be about only one other person’s needs–a husband. That absolutely makes me cringe to think about it. I want to spend my life doing what I want, with who I want, when I want.

My friend said it well: “It takes a really, really great guy to be better than no guy.”