When I returned to work full-time, after having my second child, we hired nannies. My mother-in-law come to my home two days; a friend came for 2 days and another friend came for 1 day. We also had my niece employed as a live-in nanny for 2 months during the summer.
My husband worked around the corner from where we lived and he would come home for lunch every day. Never did I think there was a chance he would come home and screw the nanny.
I often wonder how Dave and Janice feel when news breaks about a marriage or relationship ending because of an affair. I know how my daughters feel when we watch t.v. and something on the subject comes up. I know they sometimes verbalize their disgust and disappointment or they go very quiet depending on the show and how the information unfolds. I have broken the ice with others if the mood is tense based on the cheating subject by saying something either genuine or mocking like–“been there, done that, got the T-shirt and lawyer bill as a souvenir.” I wonder how much more awkward it would be for a husband and wife who have experienced infidelity in their marriage but stayed together. They must relive the pain all over again every time. I know that Dave and Janice mocked the subject on Twitter. Like a Teflon frying pan, guilt and ownership just slides right off them.
I was thinking about this with the media attention surrounding Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s marriage that tore apart by Gavin’s relationship with their nanny. I wondered if Dave and Janice think what shitty people Gavin and the nanny are? Do they ever consider how devastating it must have been for Gwen to find out her husband had been sleeping with the nanny for 3 years, right under her nose, even while she was pregnant with one of their children? Do they think how disrespectful they were? Do they consider how sad it will be for 3 children now that their parents are divorcing because of the affair and how their lives are now set on completely different paths?
Or instead do they think, Gwen must not have been meeting her husband’s needs? They likely believe there was obviously something wrong in the marriage for Gavin to have done what he did. Do they think how sad it is for the nanny to have her name, Mindy Mann, her face and image splashed around the media? Do they think how sad it is for the nanny and her family to have to deal with the public shaming? Do they feel badly for the nanny who went into hiding because she got found out? Do they want to contact papers and entertainment shows to admonish them for reporting on such things screaming that, “Everyone needs to move on.” Do they think how terrible it was that another nanny ratted her out? Do they blame someone else that their sexting and the nude photos of Mindy were found on the family iPad and that the children had access to this information? Do they think it is love between Gavin and Mindy? Do they think that the affair “just happened” and that no one was looking for it? Do they see Gwen as acting like the victim when they feel she was likely the cause of it instead?
I wonder if they detach themselves from these situations and don’t see themselves in the same way that most view this ultimate betrayal. I suspect they justify it saying things like, “Ethan Hawke married his kids’ nanny so it must be true love and meant to be.” I bet they look on whatever positive they can muster up to justify themselves and spin it in their favour. They do , I am sure, because Dave has always excused and minimized their behaviour. They have even got their friends to rally behind them and support them on this blog. I bet they can’t even see themselves as acting exactly the way these people did.
Here is an Ethan Hawke quote, “To act all indignant that your world has been rocked because your lover wasn’t faithful to you is a little bit like acting rocked that your hair went grey.” Wow, guess the nanny shouldn’t be too comfortable in her role as his wife as he has given her fair warning what to expect along with grey hair. He has also given her a license to cheat.
When Chris Du Burgh got caught with his kid’s nanny he said, “I got caught up in something a bit like getting on a train. When I got on board it was stationary and it started moving a little faster and a little faster . . . By the time we were going at 80 mph, I realised I couldn’t jump off without getting badly hurt.” Typical cheater mind-set. Worried about their own hurt and using that as an excuse for the no-sense-stopping-now attitude instead of considering anyone else’s feelings and doing what is right over what feels better. To underscore this cheater’s selfishness, he fooled around on his wife (the one he wrote the song ‘Lady in Red’ for) while she was recovering from a broken neck. She probably deserved it for not being able to meet his needs at that time.
When Maria Shriver found out that her husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, fathered a child with their housekeeper and was paying the housekeeper child support (or shut-up money) she filed for divorce. Arnold said that, “A lot of people, no matter how successful or unsuccessful they are in life, make stupid choices involving sex.”
Nannies, housekeepers, coworkers–all just easy, convenient prey in the path of the lustful husband. These women care more about what they are getting out of it than thinking of anyone else. Do these women have such low self-worth they can’t say ‘no’ or do they have zero morals and values and feel entitled to have whatever they want or whoever is desperate enough to take them? Do they really think that they must be better than the wife and that it is love? Is it all just selfishness and greed? Ben Affleck’s nanny was seen driving a new Lexus after he and Jennifer Garner split because of her. Robin Williams’ marriage ended when he fooled around with his son’s nanny. The nanny got promoted to be his personal assistant and then moved up the ranks to wife #2. Janice’s quality of life increased with my husband. Janice’s husband was even one of the people who told me that.
Jude Law was engaged to Sienna Miller when he got caught fooling around with the nanny for his kids from his first marriage. His response: “I am deeply ashamed and upset that I’ve hurt Sienna and the people most close to us.” Really? He’s fathered a couple of kids with flings since. Interesting how woman are less cautious with birth control when their partner has more than they do. Probably why my ex was so anxious to get a vasectomy in the year before I know that he was having an affair. Wonder who was before Janice or at least who he was hoping was before Janice. I am convinced he just threw out the net and pulled in whatever he could.
These nannies do not love the children they are caring for otherwise these types of affairs would never happen. Who can say they love the kids and then go and sleep with one of their parents in secrecy and deception. The nannies may as well have cut the head off the family pet, too. They love themselves first and that is probably it. Dave likes to say that our children are fine with Janice. He thinks they are forgiving and get along great with her. He thinks they have a relationship. Janice will never love my children. You can’t love someone when the only reason they are in your life is because you chose to selfishly fuck them over. My kids do what they have to do in order to have some type of relationship with their dad. Janice does what she does in order to try and look good to Dave. She never bought my younger daughter anything until this Thanksgiving but she tried to win over my older daughter with gifts for her birthday the last 2 years and Christmas. She treats my older daughter noticeably better in front of my younger daughter and both my kids know this. It is all surface level interaction. Janice can’t even put aside her own feelings and insecurities to treat my children fairly and equally. She gave my older daughter a box of food to take to university. I ended up bringing most of it all back home and donating it to the food bank. My daughter hates cereal and nuts. The box was filled with the cereal bars, granola bars, chocolate bars with nuts and there were other things my daughter would never eat. She wouldn’t even keep the food to give to her new dorm mates. If Janice really cared about even my older daughter she might have asked her what food she liked or actually would want to spend time getting to know her. The other woman’s focus is only on pleasing herself and making sure she has what she wants. The cheating spouse thinks the focus is all on him. Only because she is getting what she wants through him.
I have “No Doubt” that there will be another nanny. And what makes them feel so secure? If the husband is able to fool the wife for 3 years, why would the nanny, Janice or any other woman out there think they won’t get the same treatment in return? Take whatever you can selfishly grab now because there is unfortunately always another woman out there ready to spread her legs or open her mouth for the next promotion and there is always a man who will say what he needs to or spend what he has to for sex. And men, these woman will just as easily leave you when a bigger carrot is dangled in their face.
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scornedwifeblog 
Apparently someone spends their free time reading People Magazine and keeping up with the latest celebrity gossip. Maybe a little more time focused on the here and now, and less on what someone else is doing, and you might find some happiness.
Just a suggestion.
Yeah. Somebody’s’ spending too much time reading Peopke magazine. Who the Hell are you to make that kind of judgment? Go make your snide comments elsewhere.
It’s not a judgment, it’s a comment that this person is trying to equate celebrity break ups with her own. Maybe a little less time reading celebrity gossip and a little more time on you, your kids, maybe finding a job that kind of thing.
Right. You can’t possibly know what you’re talking about until you’ve been there and been her.
And who are you to judge me and say I haven’t?
I’m not going to get into a pissing contest with you. It’s not worth it.
Celebrity or not, we are all human. Betrayal is one of the worst things that could ever happen to a person and it effects you on every level. Reminders of the betrayal are available daily in the here and now. My children are effected in the here and now. This was yet another reminder that had me thinking that if we are reminded daily, are you?
Judas committed suicide because he was overcome by his actions of betrayal. Maybe you coming to my blog is a way for you to try and deal with the negative feelings that continue to haunt you over your affair. Your way of dealing with it though is to try to pass your feelings off onto me and others who have been betrayed and make us responsible for the negativity that I suspect is preventing your happiness.
It certainly doesn’t mean that I am not happy.
This is all stuff that’s covered on normal news, on the radio, it’s pervasive. I don’t think you could avoid this news if you tried.
And btw what ever happened to it’s the thought that counts? You’re so caught up in trying to denigrate everything the OW does, rather than recognizing a nice act by the person. Have you ever received something that maybe wasn’t quite to your liking? Do you then blog about how bad it was? Isn’t it nice that someone thought of you and gave you something? Would it have mattered if it was perfect in your eyes what she was given? I suspect not. You will always try to find the negative regardless of the situation.
It was just an observation. It was just a fact. Good thing my ex and his girlfriend aren’t reading and commenting on my blog or they might feel slighted and take my post personally.
Now you know our daughter better too. Maybe you’re defensive because you were with Janice picking out the items. I bet you don’t know your daughter’s likes and dislikes either. Too busy focused on getting to know women outside of the girls in your family and buying them gifts instead of the ones that really should matter to you.
Speaking of gifts, you should have told me at the time I gave you the iPad for your birthday that the day before you gave yourself “the best birthday gift you ever gave (yourself)” by fucking Janice. That might have been an appropriate time to give me back the iPad. Too polite to tell me the truth then? But you are still using the iPad. Oh ya, you are still using Janice too. Wonder which gift will last longer? You can always return the iPad to me and your children. That might be the right thing to do. I wonder if Janice’s husband would take her back if you returned her as well.
Is that why Steve left you? There was a “bigger carrot” out there for him? Maybe he left because you focus so much on the past, rather than what was your current life with him? Sounds like things repeat themselves. Robyn is always focused on the issues of the past and forgets what’s sitting right there under her nose. You lack gratitude for what you have and have been given. Instead you’re always the victim and always want more from someone. Lawsuits against people. Lawsuits against employers. Lawsuits against the ex. You’re always suing those to get what you’re owed. Always stuck on how someone has done you wrong.
Don’t forget what the Beatles sang about……Can’t buy me love!
Dave, in your last post you said that I was with Steve and you wanted details of our relationship. Now we are broken up and he left me. Which is it?
You change your story to suit your argument. Narcissism, brain tumour or drugs. Those are the only explanations that I have for your behaviour.
You are right, you can’t buy love. So what did you buy then?
You’re so spot on in so much.
As for the trolls- the thought that counts… Ok. “You were part of what broke up my family, and sent me food I don’t eat” What thought is that? Impossible to be positive- it’s either utterly thoughtless… Which isn’t awesome. OW doesn’t think. Or attach a “thought” to that – it was of malice if not total disregard. Not sure what your foes were saying by that, because thinking it through – there may have been thought- makes OW look worse….
You know, I don’t think that my ex and his sluf gf even think what they did was wrong to me and my kids and the family. And they are probably “appalled” when they hear about other ppl cheating and whatnot. Why? Because they don’t feel guilty. And his slut gf is more than likely under the impression that he’d never do what he did to us, to her. Because of course, she’s better than me and he’d never so it to her. Yeah… He hasn’t done anything yet. He hasn’t left yet. But Romans 12:19 tells me to wait and watch. Life and karma and God remembers.
No. CHeaters do not identify with homewrecker stories… If the story or event sheds negative light on the behavior or action then the cheater has no use for it. They blow off the story and it never happened. Now if the story promotes the cheater or offer validation for the behavior… You bet your sweet ass they are quoting it and or using it as a retort when having to justify their own behavior. A cheater will only identify with something that promotes them or sheds positive light on them… Everything else is dismissed.
In todays media frenzied world horrific stories of abuse, murder, school shootings and incest are posted and reported at alarming speeds. We are inundated with so much trauma that we have become polarized to it. There was a day and time when the news of a school shooting would bring people to tears. Now? Before the information can be processed there are teams deployed to the school to counsel and offer support … There is a web site posted to support the school and the names of the victims and shooter are posted before you can pour yr coffee. In 5 mins … By the time you put your ahoes on another story flashes and the previous one is done. We have moved on. Its been handled. thats how it works now a days. You move on.
The assumption is its been handled and their is support.
Problem is most cheaters have been living in two lives for a while. They have been slipping in at out attempting to be seamless. When they are discovered they news is a painful paralyzing shock to the spouse… The cheater then starts rewriting the couples history… Stating they have been unhappy for so long… Blah blah blah… And then they say ‘ move on. ‘ Thing is had the cheater been up front from the get go the spouse would have weighed their options and leveled the playing field. But no.the cowards that they are… They lie. And lie some more. Suddenly everything that you held to be true about yr life is rewritten. And they will stand by that rewritten history despite eveidence of the opposite.
So no. The dont feel bad when they hear stories about anyone fuckingntheir Nannies or Gardeners. Because if they stated they did it would mean that they identified that cheating was wrong. And if there is something that Narcs hate … Is being wrong.
I can tell you for a fact, coming from someone who was the ‘cheater” and the “OW” we do think about it. At least I do, every single day. When a story pops up about another celebrity getting their marriage torn apart, I think about it, i think about how people view me and I don’t blame people for their judgements. I never blamed his ex for her wrath, but I do blame her for other things and the way she has handled things with their kids. Anything I can say about it will get torn down, because once you cheat, it seems to trump all other wrong doings. Even if she is emotionally and even physically abusive to her husband throughout the marriage. Because in the end he cheated, all that gets discounted and everything in the broken marriage became his fault. No excuse.. but this is how it is. Once he cheated, it didn’t seem to matter how horrible of a person she was or is? Im not sure I get why these rules are the way they are, aren’t there more ways than just cheating to be a horrible person? Is being a ‘good person’ the absence of cheating? Is being a horrible person defined just by cheating? Or if we cheat, does that mean we are forever horrible? Im a good friend, a wonderful daughter, and sister I am a rape crisis counselor and most of the time, work for free, but I had laps in judgment during a very tough time in my own life. What I did was selfish, and it hurt others. For that I will always be so regretful. It has lead me to the love of my life, we have been through a warm together, facing all the collateral damage our bad choices lead to. It’s made us stronger in some ways. There will never be any good excuses for cheating, but sometimes there are reasons. Regardless of these reasons, I will never not feel the guilt over all the pain it caused. There is a woman out there, who will forever feel I’ve ruined her entire life. There will never be any words or anything I could do to make it up to her. And I will always ALWAYS think about it when I see another story pop up on the news. That is my cross to bare, for being selfish.
I was drawn to this blog in the first place to get the perspective of the scorned wife. It’s given me a lot of insight. So. Thank you for that.
It sounds like you have some remorse, so bravo, and you should continue to dig into that. Why did you pursue someone who was attached? Why did you want someone who was suffering abuse? Why did you risk being the rebound, or launching pad, for them? How stable is a relationship that started on a web of lies? All things I would worry about at least. Is that where your mind goes when you say you think about it, or just that you think on how you did a bad thing? Just guilt?
As for the – the other partner is good- I think you’re flipping the story. No ones marriage is ever perfect. The issue is- be a grown up. Talk about problems. Outline solutions. If they get fixed bravo. If there’s no fixing you have to leave. This is especially true of abuse. Physically, emotionally, whatever. I don’t care it’s not acceptable. It’s a cycle and it will continue until there is treatment or counselling. If thy did that and it still didn’t fix, the answer wasn’t – go find a person to diddle because I’m so gosh darn sad. It’s- FILE- a restraining order, and for separation then divorce. Not- let your dick fall into another vagina for comfort. The marriage- 50/50. Abuse- all on the abuser, and the affair is all on the affair haver. Affairs are abuse in their own way- they involve manipulation, justification, lies, monetary fraud within marriage…. And as such, I think you are talking about two scorpions. I actually fear that you are just a chump in training despite being the affair partner also. Sorry to say it. Be careful. You seem to have better intentions than your current choices.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I think it is interesting and valuable.
NOSP… Thanks for sharing. You are the OW. Not the cheater. It would be interesting to hear from your Cheater. Typically the Cheater will create or embellish their story … So now the wife is ‘ abusive’ and therefore he can justify the cheating. He had a choice. To leave an abusive marriage… If that is truely the case. Andlets say for shits and giggles you actually know the whole story… Of their life. My guess is you dont. You hear what has been rewritten and presented to you as truth. People cant turn of the lies. They lie to their spouse. They manipulate them. What makes you think you got the truth?
How long were you witness to his wifes crazy behavior? Was it when you arrived on the scene? Cause nothing makes a person more batshit crazy than wondering where their spouse is and knowing in their gut they are with someone else… Then the spouse lies bold face to them. And keep the lie alive. Gas lighting and blameshifting. That makes a person crazy. And the Ow or OM arrives on the scene and further endorses the batshit crazy behavior.
Nothing good comes from lies. Nothing. Never will. Your life or relationship starts as a lie… Its forever tainted. But if that is good enough for you… Then have at it.
I appreciate your perspectives as well. Thank you. I am not just the OW, I am also the cheater. We were both married. No matter what I say, or explain, it will never turn our actions to being right or justified, period. It was wrong of us to cross that line.
I was in a 20 year extremely emotional abusive marriage, we separated for almost 2 years 7 before the marriage ended, but his extreme neglect in parenting and very absent minded way of handling our kids at the time left me very afraid for them and their safety while in his care. It was after he allowed my youngest daughter, 9 at the time, to be alone with his 45 year old never married very odd friend “Bob” until 2am while he was passed out on the couch, and my 9 year old told me Bob was playing tickle games with her all night, I freaked out. When he refused to see the seriousness in this, and shrugged it off as ‘Oh Bobs harmless” I realized i needed to reel this back in until my girls were out of the house. I couldn’t risk having them in his care. We came back together for the next 7 years. The first year he was back, I discovered some kind of relationship happening with one of his clients. he always denied it was physical, but it definitely was behind my back and something was going on between them as there were 100s of texts and calls between them. So I also know what the other end of this stick feels like. However, even with more justified reasons to leave him were in place, it didn’t really matter. I wasn’t going to risk having my girls in his care half the time (or even every other weekend and a day during the week, which is what he’d have gotten anyway, there was no proving him as an ‘unfit” father as there was no direct physical abuse involved no drug use…etc..) t was still in the position I did not feel safe enough for my kids to be allowed in his care, so I truly felt I was stuck and knew I had to stay put until my girls were out of the house. I understand by your definition of us cheaters, this is my reconstructed story of my life. But I know, it isn’t. I have emails, and documentation and events that my kids remember to know 100% this is all truth. But I do understand and accept that there are plenty of us who do redesign our history to justify and rationalize. I feel it’s not entirely right to give that blanket statement however, because for those who truly did live in horrific abusive marriages, and didn’t feel there was a way out, or maybe were just afraid to do so may not fit the ‘rule of thumb. Still. No excuse. But as I said, perhaps there are reasons.
It was during the last year of our marriage (1 year before he moved out) that I crossed that line and became involved with my partner. This is this “cheaters story” and I understand you feel I probably have recreated my truth to justify. I don’t blame you for not trusting me, because after all, I lied, I cheated. But I do know my truth, and the truth my daughters have to deal with every day with their relationship with their father. There is no excuse for me having crossed the line. I can say I sought out comfort and affection, after not receiving any for years. I was lonely, I connected with a person who was going through similar experiences. I have been so close to his situation as well, and even as a skeptic (because those who lie, do not trust easily either) I have questioned but also witnessed things for years now (we were friends for years before any lines were crossed). There is too much direct evidence to line up with the fact his marriage was indeed verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. I understand nothing could push someone over the edge than finding out you’ve been betrayed, absolutely. But in his case, her reactions were very similar about things like ‘you didn’t take out the garbage!?” there was something wrong with her. I know, so cliche’ But again, there is too much supporting direct evidence (mostly with their kids). In hind sight, I believe he would have stayed in and stuck it out until his kids were grown, like I had. To protect. But as you said, there was no telling just how much worse things could get after she knew she had been betrayed. And the run off has been mostly to their children. The guilt in that alone, eats away at us every single day.
I would never expect this audience to trust or believe a word I type. I get it. It’s the role we take on when the path of betrayal is taken. I guess I only want to say that even with our mistakes, we can be good people, and in my case, as well as my partner. We have talked so much about our role in the hurt and pain caused. We have taken responsibility and it’s never taken lightly. We have been in therapy for a year now, figuring things out, why we chose the partners we did in the first place, why we chose to stay when we should have gone, what will keep us from repeating the same mistakes. We both want to be better people moving forward, we want to show our kids that even if someone makes the most horrible mistakes, it is still possible to move on from there and grow and learn from our mistakes. I want them to understand forgiveness too. I know the first step is to forgive ourselves. We are still working on that. It’s not easily going to happen, so I don’t expect to be forgiven by anyone else, but I will always hope.
Well maybe things would have been better for me if you were the type of ‘Other Woman’ I am dealing with. At least you have children and seem sympathetic to their needs and hurts. You might have actually encouraged my ex to see his kids, talk to them, get counseling with them and build his relationship with them. That is still the saddest part for me. My kids were the biggest victims of Dave and Janice’s affair on every level and they still suffer today.
It isn’t the other woman who is my problem at all. It is my ex and his ongoing inability to treat me with fairness, kindness and respect. I get that he doesn’t like my blog but he doesn’t have to follow it or respond, share it with his friends and encourage their involvement as well. It is another excuse for him to not meet his legal obligations or do what is right for me and his children. Maybe if he had someone like you in his life who encouraged counseling so he could really move forward and learn about why he did what he did then he could be more present in the lives of his children and work with me instead of against me for the sake of our children. I suspect my ex’s girlfriend wouldn’t want that because then the focus would be on Dave and examining his life. If he did that, she might find that he is able to put his kids before her and himself and it might change their relationship. I think she feels safe if Dave keeps his anger against me. She benefits by him not paying me what he owes me.
The fact that you and your partner are both seeking therapy trying to grow, learn from your mistakes and self-discover is encouraging. Have your ex’s at all been involved in the process and have you ever been able to apologize to both of them? What is the relationship like with your partner’s ex and your ex and what is your partner’s relationship like with both ex’s?
Sounds like you are taking ownership and responsibility. Your situation is entirely different from mine. We had no separation prior. We were still sexually active. I was completely trusting that when he said he was out with the guys after hockey I believed that he actually was where he said he was going to be. I had no reason to suspect otherwise because I was confident he loved God first, me and my children next and I loved him and was confident he knew that.
He refused to go to counseling after I found out about the affair even for the sake our kids. He wasn’t ready to look at what he did. He didn’t want to stop what he was doing. He certainly didn’t want to take ownership of it. He is still not ready today to deal with his actions and I don’t think, as the Clip points out, that his personality even feels remorseful. He justifies everything and has no regrets. I think we could still use counseling today in order to be effective parents together but he is not interested.
I was just cleaning out my junk email folder yesterday and oddly there was an old email in it from my ex. It was his explanation of why he cheated. He said that he felt unfulfilled and couldn’t go on the next 40 years living the way he was living. He said that he felt that I was uninterested in him and life.
He never would have left I suspect if someone else didn’t pay him back the attention he was putting out to her. I think we all go through feelings of “is this it for the rest of my life” and wondering about our purpose and how to feel fulfilled and joyful in the everyday mundane routine especially around kids, household responsibilities, bills and work. His mistake was going outside of our marriage to find it. He failed to look at himself for why he didn’t feel whole. It is not my responsibility to find fulfillment for him in his life and another woman is not the answer. I suspect he is finding that out especially by his presence on my blog. He also has left clues when talking to fellow posters. He flirts with them and makes comments like, “I am always looking.” I believe that to be true. I had access to his messages to other people until less than a year ago. While he is with Janice he has been flirting and making plans with other women. When I wrote about this his comment was to the effect that “we all write things we wouldn’t want other people to see.” I don’t. My husband and I shared an email address. He had his own work email that he could give to people but mine was his to use as well and always open. I am confident he makes Janice feel loved and better than she has in any relationship. He was trained well in the church and with me on how to please a woman. Because of that I’ll bet she is so sure of herself and their relationship. I can guarantee that Dave doesn’t feel fulfilled and he is searching outside of his relationship with Janice for fulfillment.
Made me think about how my ex & I were in therapy while he very actively cheated. II do love this entire thoughtful post, nice work
At least you have a conscience. Most people do not. I was the OW at one point in my life, and I just couldn’t handle the guilt of what I was doing. But some people don’t feel anything at all. They look at the situation like, “oh well. Snooze, you lose.” Or, “if she had been a better woman (or man) then he wouldn’t have turned to me,” or some other crap like that. They will put the blame on the other person real quick like my husband and his OW did to me. Trust me when I tell you they feel NO WRONG. I can tell by their words and actions. And it’s just sad…
I’m sorry for your pain. When you know someone has wronged you and they refuse to take any responsibility for the harm they caused, there aren’t many more hurtful things than that.
Abandon,
I think you are right. It’s the attention cheaters seek. It’s not about how they feel about the person, it’s how the person makes them feel about themselves. It’s a selfish act 100% and I do believe the lower the self esteem the more chance someone will seek out the attention they need to not feel so bad about themselves. I believe in my case I had been with a man who withheld love and emotion for so many years, I could have been a fly on the wall. It was either that or he was berating me and angry all the time. When he wanted something, he would be nice. When I became friends with my now partner, I was so taken by the way he listened and laughed at my jokes and actually would make eye contact with me when I spoke. I had not gotten any of these things in so many years, it was over whelming for me. Even until this day, when he says “good morning” to me, I think its a treat. That’s how low my expectations had become. I was greater every morning with a scowl for so long, I believed that must be how all marriages must be? Not so of course.
There would be no talking to his ex, or apologizing. First of all, I don’t think there would be anything I could say that would be accepted or welcomed. As you said, maybe things would be different if you were the kind of ex, however, she seems to be very different than you, not open to self reflection in the slightest, and even before she discovered any affair, she could never believe anything was her fault. They went through therapy a few years before he and I became involved, and it was then he felt it was hopeless. From that point on, he felt he was sticking in there so he could still be with his kids. He was always the main caregiver, always the one taking them to their appointments, cooking for them, and doing activities on the weekends. She chose mostly to be on the couch, or upstairs watching TV in her room when she was home, not a very engaged parent. When she discovered an email he had left on his iPad one day from me, she questioned him about me. It was not an email that was sexual, or even romantic, but it was the kind that was intimate enough to question. He didn’t lie to her, or try to get out of it (he could have, I knew which email she came upon). He told her everything. I asked him why? He said he was just so tired of living the lie. Not just the lie of having an affair, but the lie of the marriage. Trying to act like everything was ok, allowing her abuse of him and the marriage to continue. So he spilled the bean. He kicked him out, but by the days end, she called him and wanted him to come back and said she wanted to try to work things out. He went back and we stopped talking for months. My own situation was playing out at the time, my girls had had it with the negativity in the house, my oldest was going off to University and my youngest was dreading being left alone in a house where we had so much tension between us. One day in a therapy session with the whole family (it was with my daughters therapist, I had them start to see her the first time years ago when we split), she asked us to please separate once and for all.
I received a very angry message one day on FB. It was from my partners wife now ex. She was saying how I was a dirty home wrecking whore and was sure I was raising the next generation of home wrecking whore daughters. I was so shocked and it cut right through me. Of course I felt I deserved such venom, she had every right to spew her hatred for me. I never blamed her for a second for that. I didn’t respond. There were no words I could say that would make this wrong, right.
As it turned out, after another few months of therapy, he left her. It wasn’t about the affair, I knew this in my heart. Sometimes affairs happen as a symptom of the failing marriage. I know there are many many cases out there that this does not apply to and history is recreated, but I know in my heart and from experiencing it all first hand in our case it was two broken marriages that both of us should have gotten out of before any other relationship was started. That was our biggest and most hurtful mistake. We should have waited, we never should have crossed that line.
I would love to tell her how I feel, but I know she would never accept a word I say. I am the scum of the earth to her, and although she does not know me, knows nobody that knows me, she totally believes I am the worst person in the world possible I am sure she believes I don’t care about what I’ve done or have any remorse she makes comments by text to my ex about me all the time, saying she is sure I’m with him every night while neglecting my own kids. She has done what I believe most of us cheaters are said to do. Re create the history, or story to fit what they feel. what I did was horrible. There is no denying that. Her venom and hateful feelings for me I will never say are undeserving. What I am most sad about in all of this, is her treatment of the situation, has impacted her children way more than it ever had to. When I found out about my husband being involved with a client. I was enraged. I was so beyond angry and hurt this was right after coming back together again after our first split. I could have easily kicked him out and painted him as the cheater to my kids and that forever would have been his legacy. Instead, for right or wrong, I chose to keep them out of it 100% I knew one day when they were older, they would figure out what kind of man he was on their own. And that was exactly what happened. To this day, I have not bad mouthed him to my kids. They are always telling me how every single time they spend time with him (not often, as he is very similar to how you describe your ex to be) he says very negative things about me. They say it pushes them further from him, which is the opposite of what he feels he is doing. He moved into his new apartment about a mile away from the family house over a year and a half ago. Within 8 weeks, he had his new girlfriend there staying with him. My daughter showed up one day to spend the first or second night ever there, and there this woman was. He tried to lie about her at first, saying they were just friends and he was helping her out. But that soon became obviously not the truth. This woman’s personal items were everywhere, and he didn’t think twice that it would affect our daughter in any negative way to all of the sudden have a new woman in his life, let alone in his home that he was supposed to be making with my daughter.
My partner and I have handled things very different. My daughters didn’t even meet him for at least 6 or 7 months. And then only as he came to pick me up for a dinner out to say hello. I never have stayed out past 11pm when I have been out with him and never NEVER any over nights. We still keep our separate time with our own children, and even now since his kids have finally accepted me (his ex had said things about me to that no 11 and 13 year old should have to deal with, I understand why she was doing it, I just don’t agree that a child should be told these things his son hated me so much for over a year, his daughter was younger, and was more open minded and never held what he did against him, she always wanted to forgive and move on to have a more happy life, no matter what the family arrangement was)
I wish I could say something to her that would help. I wish I could ask her forgiveness, but I feel it would only make her more angry and rage against me even more. I think no matter what I would do, it would be the wrong thing because the wrong has already been done. She has told her kids outright, that she hates me, and will forever hate me. She is angry with them for giving me a chance, and when they have been out with me, she punishes them emotionally, and makes hurtful comments to them about their choices. IT’s gotten to the point, where the kids don’t tell her if they had seen me on any particular occasion.
Whew, I am so sorry this is long winded. I hope some of what I have said gives some kind of in sight into the cheaters view?
If Your ex’s girlfriend hasn’t said I’m sorry to you, maybe me saying it from the side of the cheater could help?
I am so sorry Abandon. I am sorry for the pain and the harm I have caused to your life. I am sorry for ever being part of something made you feel second best, this is far from the truth. You were the one in the same marriage, NOT crossing the line, not cheating. I am sorry for the hurt it caused your kids, even if part of it could have been helped by you, if I had not put you in the position in the first place, you wouldn’t have even had the chance to handle it well, or poorly. I am sorry for the lies and for the time I stole from your family life. I am sorry for the betrayal and the lack of trust you will surely feel moving forward and I will hope and pray for the healing of your broken heart. I am sorry. Please, find it in your heart to forgive me? If not, I would understand, sometimes the hurt goes too deep for forgiveness.
I should learn to edit BEFORE hitting send. A couple corrections:
“He kicked him out”,, was of course meant to be “SHE” kicked him out.
“she makes comments by text to my ex about me all the time, saying she is sure I’m with him every night while neglecting my own kids.” This was meant to say she makes comments to her ex (my now partner)
Thank you. You brought tears to my eyes. I do wish you love and happiness, wellness and forgiveness. I forgive you.
And thank you, this just brought tears to my eyes as well. Maybe there was a purpose for me having stumbled upon your blog. ((((hugs))))
NOSP
I dont read your post as anything but a bunch of excuses and wanting some validation or sympathy for your choices. So here is a saying for you’ dont judge me because I sin differently than you’
First, your husband cheated. That demonstrate his lack of character and moral compass. What was his excuse? Was it something that he blamed you for ? Would you say that you did anything that made your husband decided to cheat? You didnt love him enough? You burnt toast? You bought the wrong peanut butter? What did your spouse make you believe about yourself that gave him cart blanche to cheat?
Nothing. You may have sucked as a wife… Who knows … But he had a choice to fix it with you… Or leave. Instead he chose to do what he wanted to make himself feel better without a care in the world about your thoughts and feelings. Entitled ass.
Enter your affair… But its different cause???? Oh , cause you are in a loveless marriage and your affair partner is being abused. So know you are excused from holding secrets .. Lying … And continuing a pattern of abuse within your own family. You made eveybody go to therapy when your husband cheated…what did you do for your family when you decided to cheat? Probably nothing… Because in your brain it was justified.
Secondly… You claim the you and your affair partner did the ‘ right’ thing by holding off on introductions to the children. You waited six months! But he chose to move forward with his partner immediately and didnt hide it from your children( who are not kids, one attends University correct?) Why is your sin better? Exactly why?
You may have married a giant douche…and he could have been the worlds worst husband… But you did the same thing. Dont throw rocks… And dont ask for forgiveness. You have changed the story to suit yr situation and to make yourself feel better about this cluster of a marriage and affairs.
Your children are old enough to decided about their fathers behavior… They can come and go as they please. They can decided if they want to hold their father accountable for his sins or not. Its none of your business anymore. You started screwing someone else.
Thirdly, you hypocritically judge your partners ex wife. You say she is not looking out for the best interests of her children and paint you to be a back stabbing bitch. Yet you have plenty to say on how your ex handled the children and how you did it right.
You did wrong to both sets of children…and want to wave a sanctimonius finger at the ex wife… Oh and of course paint her up to be the crazy hag.
Your life and story reflect what happens when people are dishonest. The collateral damage that is inflicted. The innocent victims whose lives are forcably chnaged by the ‘ adults, cough , cough’ in their lives.
My guess is you realize a lot of this and live with guilt. Cant say I feel sorry for you. You look for forgiveness with strangers. You try to give the blogger some insite to how an OW can feel remorse. You filled your own empty life with another womans husband…and were not necessarily concerned with the fall out. Was it all worth it? Can you say your soul is at peace with it? You are looking for forgiveness you will never get from her. You are looking for justifications.
Was he really worth it? Was all of it reaaly worth it? 12 billion people on the planet… I am sure you coulda bumped into someone else… And started your own story… Instead of jumping into someone elses.
No excuses clip. And no reinvented stories.. The reason for his affair? Was probably his own low self esteem, mixed with our shitty marriage. Mine? Same reason. But as I said, still no excuse. I wasn’t stating there were any, I was explaining my situation. Im sorry if it offended your sense of justice within the world of cheating and lies and betrayal.
My kids were never put into therapy because of his ‘cheating” In fact when they went into therapy there was no cheating. There was simply a split up between their parents that I wanted to make sure they had outside support. They have still seen the same therapist all the way through. So no need to ‘re” sign them up.
You are right, I struggle within my soul every day about the choices I’ve made and will continue to until the day I die. Nothing was worth hurting others they way we did. Nothing.
I wonder if you feel because you haven’t cheated, you aren’t as big of a sinner as the liars and cheaters in the world? Sin is sin. Mine no greater or less than anyone else’s. But I did hope I could gain in site from the blogger, and hoped she may have gained from me as well.
I dont sin per se… Not religious. Have I made mistakes? Plenty. Did I lie, manipulate or omitt when I made those mistakes… No. I owned it. And I make every effort to remedy the mistake. When I made mistakes did I make the other person come to me and tell me…. No. I owned it. Did I shift blame? No. I owned it. Did I ever do anything that I thought would intentionally harm someone emotionally, spiritually or physically…. No. When you understand the harm and still do it… That is sorry ass lack of character. Like drinking way too much and jumping behind the wheel…ya know its wrong… Ya know it causes harm… And yet… U still do it… Until when? Until your busted or you wreck.
Cause cheating is a selfish act. It means I care more about how good this makes me feel and care less about how it harms others. The collateral damage is high.
So damage is done. Lives are disrupted. Children are divided like pizzas.
Thats not love. Love would not , could not support that. Love does not come from lies.
And my sense of justice does not come from a tit for tat framework. My moral code is not above a sincere apology nor true remorse. My experience has prepared me to hear the apology and wait for the ‘ but. ‘ there is always a ‘ but’
” I really regret having an affair. It was the most selfish thing I have ever done ‘ but ‘ if you had not x,y or z . I wouldnt have cheated.
Justifying anything related to your affair is not true remorse.
I do agree with everything you’ve said, and so wish I’d have lived by this all along.. You sound like a truly moral, grounded wonderful person. The people who have you in their lives, are lucky.
Everyone falls. I think you reached who you wanted to reach, coming here. I don’t have as much indignation as the clip, nor as much easy forgiveness as blogger. I don’t even know what to think. I’m heartened to see humanity on the other side. I understand fear causes a lot of terrible choices – (fear for children leads to staying with a terrible man. I think any police/social worker who interviewed your kid would attest that the’tickling’ story is not ok with weird bob stranger, and sign off on a custody order that these people can’t be with kids, and when dad continual broke that, he loses visitation… ) there were things you could have done better. But… You seem to be trying. Again… I don’t trust anything anymore. But I hope this new world goes better. And I think if the kids ask, you don’t excuse. You just admit- we lied and were wrong, and now we are trying to be better. ‘Situations’ will get back to exes as excuses. This truth will get back to them as – honest, and they may take that as an apology or at least not be able to do anything with it. Cheers. Bon chance
Thank you Creativerational for your perspective, I do appreciate all views. I only want to comment on one part here. I have been in the system for many years (I am a rape crisis counselor), I have worked cases with many minors before who have been physically/sexually abused within their own home. I have seen the system fail time and time again, placing those same children back into the same home in the care of the abuser. I understand the way things are supposed to work, but I have seen all too close up how they actually work. My ex husband would not have had his parental rights or time taken away for not keeping a close enough eye on my girls, and it would have been extremely difficult to prove that weird ‘bob” was grooming my girls. It possibly could have happened after the fact, if I was able to get my girls to admit to the abuse, or some how had video of him abusing (not likely). But there was no way I was going to wait for after the fact, and cause further harm in drawing them into the legal system. Sometimes, we stay in a situation we don’t want because it’s the lessor of the evils. I stayed, and I had them every day with me, watching and caring for them. And weird Bob, was not allowed into my home. That could not have happened if we stayed separated or divorced. AGAIN. Not an excuse, just explaining the situation of why I was staying in that marriage waiting for my kids to get old enough.